On Sunday evening, Fergie hit the high note heard around the world, and to put it nicely almost everyone wished they were hearing impaired. Fergie got the message that her rendition of the Star Spangled Banner at the NBA All-Star game was indeed not Fergalicious. It was actually atrocious. It was so bad that she actually had to apologize. Like she couldn’t just quietly take the L. She had to Hillary-Clinton-style make a concession speech.
She not only apologized but made herself incredibly vulnerable. “I love this country and honestly tried my best,” she told TMZ. Fergie sounds like me going up to a professor in college trying to raise my grade. Like, I actually think physics is incredibly interesting and I tried really hard so could you make participation worth 200% of my grade and just ignore how well I actually did on any of the assignments?
Fergie also let TMZ know that she is a “risk taker, artistically” and that’s a very beautiful way of saying she is a bad singer. I am technically a risk taker when it comes to healthy eating in that I don’t eat very healthy at all. But because Fergie and I have the gumption to admit these things you must respect us. Thank you and no more questions at this time.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Good news: some racist asshole is stepping down from his position because everyone hates him. Bad news: I’m not talking about Trump. I’m talking about John Schnatter, or as I like to call him: Who? Schnatter is the CEO of Papa John’s, and will be stepping down in the new year after receiving backlash for talking shit about the NFL for not stopping their players from kneeling during the national anthem. Bye, bitch.
Papa John’s is the official pizza sponsor for the NFL, which I did not know, because who fucking cares. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Papa John’s when I’m in a full blackout…but I also love everyone in my Uber Pool when I’m in a full blackout. Anyway, the pizza chain was having some serious declines in sales, so Schnatter took it upon himself to comment on the social movement of NFL players silently protesting by kneeling during the Star Spangled Banner. He stated, “The NFL has been a long and valued partner over the years. But we’re certainly disappointed that the NFL and its leadership did not resolve the ongoing situation to the satisfaction of all parties long ago.This should’ve been nipped in the bud a year-and-a-half ago.” He also implied that the protests were the reason for poor sales at Papa John’s, because apparently blaming PoC for all your problems is white men in power’s fav activity. Also, lol to a peaceful protest against racial injustice in this country being referred to as an “ongoing situation” that “should’ve been nipped in the bud.” GTFO of here, Daddy Johnny.
People were hella pissed about what Schnatter said, you know, because it was offensive AF. So, Schnatt Daddy had to apologize on Twitter. He said, “The statements made on our earnings call were describing the factors that impact our business and we sincerely apologize to anyone that thought they were divisive.” Please note that he doesn’t really say sorry, but apologizes to anyone who “thought” his comments were “divisive.” Nothing like an apology that actually blames who you’re apologizing to.
THE PUBLIC: Wow, John Schnatter’s comments were racist AF.
JOHN SCHNATTER: I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.
Anyway, Schnatter will be officially getting fired stepping down on January 1st, so I guess count that as the first gift of 2018. I suggest celebrating by ordering Domino’s and eating it in the streets while you’re still too drunk to care, like the messy bitch you are.
Oh, and don’t worry, Lil Jon has already offered his services to become the new Papa John, and a Papa John’s rep responded “OKAAYYY!” so the company should be back on track in no time.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
