Well, fam. We made it: The weekend has finally arrived. What does the weekend have in store? Will you sip on Coke and rum and be like “so what I’m drunk?” Hopefully whatever you’re getting into nothing to do with March Madness. Or peeing on underage girls. Too soon? Sry, blame it on our horoscope. Check out what the stars and The Betches have cooked up for the next few days.
Aries
After a week or two (or six) of non-stop hard work, it’s time to take a break. I promise that the world will keep turning without your valiant efforts, so spend the next few days indulging in some good old TLC (either the euphemism or the network, neither would be wrong). While it may be hard to ignore the siren calls of your friends asking for help with just one thing, or emails piling onto your already overlfowing work load, you truly deserve some time to yourself. Turn that phone off, that TV up, and relish in 48 hours of pure relaxation bliss. As Tom Haverford would say:
Taurus
It’s party time, Taurus. After nearly a month of playing the responsible friend, it’s time to let loose. Literally anything goes. This weekend is Vegas, meaning that nothing that happens will actually stay a secret but people will at least pretend to not know the horrific things you did after consuming an entire fifth of tequila. Come Sunday you consider resting in order to prep for Monday, but we say nay. Keep the party going as long as your body will tolerate. There’s always time to sleep when you’re dead (or during that Monday morning meeting).
Gemini
Tread with caution this weekend, Gemini. Not saying that the universe has it out for you or anything, but uh, don’t test it. If there comes a time to make a risky decision, opt for the safer choice. If you’re asked to take on something with high stakes, kindly decline. If you are ever in a situation that could feasibly end in police involvement, bail. Sorry to sound bleak, but sometimes it’s better to play it safe rather than sorry.
Cancer
I know things seem rough right now, Cancer, but I’m going to need you to chill. Unless you are in a plane plummeting to the surface of the Earth with no hopes of survival, nothing is every truly as bad as it seems. Sometimes all it takes is removing yourself from a situation in order to gain that much-needed perspective. This weekend, try it out. See if you can get enough distance from your problems to see them for what they are. If you come back and are still miserable, it’s probably time to address them. Otherwise, let things slide and see how much less stressed you’ll be in general.
Leo
Lucky in love, Leo? Whether or not you’ve had any success up to this point, the next two days have some serious matchmaking vibes coming your way. Make sure to looking banging at all times, because the odds of you meeting Mr. Right are very high. This means breaking out of your shell and being open to new people, otherwise you may just scare your true love away. I find that the best way to make yourself open and appealing is to get stupid drunk. No one is nervous after six shots of something regrettable. Go out with an open heart, an open mind, and an open bar tab. You’ll be surprised what may come of it.
Virgo
After months of flying under the radar as the unsung hero, this weekend is your time to SHINE, Virgo. Honestly, you’ve been killing it for a while now and haven’t received nearly as much attention as you’ve deserved. Make the most of your time in the sun, because these moments don’t come around too often. No matter what move you make, it’s going to be the right one. That kind of power could go to someone’s head, but in your stable hands it’s only going to be used for good. But if you do end up using it for bad, we promise not to tell.
Libra
Rarely are we the type to dole out financial advice, but when the stars send a message we must abide. This is a time for saving, Libra. We know you’re really popular and it’s hard to not go out with your friends and drop $50 on vodka sodas every Friday, but think to the future. All those amazing trips you have planned? They slip farther and farther away with every Postmates order. This weekend, do yourself a favor and live a little bit of the frugal life. You’ll be thanking us when you’re chilling on a beach in Turks and Caicos a year from now.
Scorpio
It seems like all anyone ever says about Scorpios is how crazy they are. “Don’t cross a Scorpio, they’ll kill you in your sleep”—a sentence literally just said to me 10 minutes ago by a coworker who saw me writing horoscopes. But you know what this weekend has in store for you, Scorpio? A whole lot of feelings. Even the toughest of us need some time to break down and collect ourselves. Let the next two days be a time of healing, Scorpio. Watch some rom coms. Eat some shitty food. Cry for no reason. You’ve earned it! Don’t let astrology culture run your life any longer; it’s time to take yourself back.
Sagittarius
You know what you need to do this weekend, Sagittarius? Take some bitches down. There’s been rolling tension in your life for a few weeks now, and its time to shut it down. Make a list, check it twice, and then head out on your one-woman missing of reckoning. Will it be kind of awkward? Probably. But the sweet, sweet sleep you’ll experience? Priceless. Plus, people will know that crossing you in the future is something to avoid. A win/win.
Capricorn
After a few weeks (maybe months) of living large, it’s time to get down to business, Capricorn. Remember that old thing called school? It’s time to get back at it. We’re all for celebrating—more than most, probably—but even we know that you can’t play hard unless you work hard. Your next adventure will be all the sweeter knowing you really earned it.
Aquarius
You have one job this weekend, Aquarius: to go MIA. You have been stretching yourself far too thing for anyone’s liking, and it’s time to take a break. Turn off your phone, turn off your mind, and turn off the world around you. You may be tempted to tend to a friend in need, but sometimes it’s more important to put yourself first. You can’t other until you help yourself. Zen, right?
Pisces
This is a weekend for going back to basics. Let’s be real, nothing is more basic than you your family, in every sense of the word. It’s time to head home and let mom take care of you for a few days. This means pj’s, comfort food, and wine that you would never actually buy for yourself. Literally, none of that sounds bad. When you’ve had your fill of questions about non-existent grandchildren, it’s time to head home.
It goes without saying that Corinne Olympios was the sleeper hit of this season of The Bachelor. Like, at first, nobody liked her and thought she would get sent home shortly after napping/not napping through a rose ceremony. But by the Women Tell All special, Bach Nation was like, totally team Corn. She grows on you like a desire for cheesy pasta after a long night of drinking even though you just swore you were cutting out carbs.
Needless to say, some of this crazy drama surrounding Corinne coming out post-Bachelor is keeping her on our radar, mostly because it could affect the probability that she’ll be on the next season on Bachelor in Paradise.
A little bit ago, some fame-whoring rando named Nick Viall Keith Berman started calling gossip mags, telling everyone that Corinne was engaged to some dude she’s been dating for three years. Which, if you can’t put two and two together, would mean that she was on The Bachelor for the wrong reasons (gasp!), which as we all know never happens because everyone is on there for love and never has ulterior motives. Anyway, Corinne then had to go on the defensive and defend whatever honor she has. Corn went on E! News and said she’s totally not engaged and she’s actually considering legal action to get Keith to shut his damn mouth. Her exact words may or may not have been “he doesn’t even go here!”
While she assured E! that she’s not engaged, she did say she is “talking to someone new period.” She added, “It’s really early but I really like the guy.” Could this mean she likes this new guy too much to go on BiP? I’m not here to speculate, but I’m going to speculate anyway because it’s my job.
Here’s what I think: Corinne is almost for sure going to take the producers up on their offer to appear on the show. There’s only so much money you can make off of promoting shitty sunglasses on Instagram, so I have a hard time believing Corinne would choose some dude she’s “talking to” over the chance to make more money, come up with new viral catch phrases, and spray more whipped cream on her boobs on national television. Verdict: Don’t get too comfortable, new guy, because your days are numbered.
Also, does no one find it weird that Chad told Life&Style a few weeks ago that he and Corinne had “texted a bit” and then Corinne turns around and says she’s “talking to someone”? Seems like they’re both being intentionally shady about their relationship. Are they conspiring to create the first Bachelor in Paradise superbaby? God, I hope so. If it’s a boy, they can name it after Chris Harrison (either Chris or Harrison would work, TBH) and if it’s a girl, Raquel, obvs.
If Corinne doesn’t get her time on Bachelor in Paradise, ABC better give her her own spinoff. I’m talking a Flavor of Love-style dating show where Corinne gets to make all the rules. They could call it Nap of Love. Or Cheese Pasta Of Love. Or Platinum Vagine of Love. Or really, any of Corinne’s catchphrases plus “of love” at the end. And instead of giving out roses, she could give out cucumber slices or glasses of Champagne. Honestly, somebody needs to make this happen. Just try and tell me this wouldn’t be the greatest thing to ever happen to television.
