Day drinking and going out at night are two activities that betches excel at compared to most, but even we’ll admit that doing both within the same 24 hour period is a daunting task. You start out the day with a few mimosas, maybe some wine and it feels all too natural with your hearty breakfast of ¼ of a scooped out bagel. The day is full of possibility, and by 4 P.M. you’re wasted and invincible. “We’re definitely making it out tonight!” says the entire group as everyone plots possible options, only to start falling apart within mere minutes. If you truly want to be one of the few still standing by the end of the night, you need to follow our advice:
Decide Early On That You’re Going Out, And Never Look Back.
In order for all of this to work, the golden rule is to commit to the fact that you’re embarking on a twelve-hour drinking bender and never question it at any point in time. Especially as the day goes on and your liver hates you more and more, you can’t so much as entertain the idea that staying in is an option, which is the immediate gateway to face-planting into your bed.
Stay Consistently Drunk.
This is difficult, but another essential for transitioning from day into nighttime drinking. The problem is that if you get too drunk before 5 P.M., you severely up the chances of getting sent home (unless you make the rare and impressive blackout comeback which will earn you literal cheers from anyone who’s crossed your path). On the other hand, if you get too sober at any point, you’ll start to get hungover, and TBH that’s significantly worse. Maintaining a mid-level buzz is the only way to make it through.
Don’t Nap, Or Even Sit Down For Too Long.
Despite your vodka-induced enthusiasm and desire for a “quick, twenty-minute power nap” in the middle of the day, we all know where that road ends. It’s you waking up at 4 A.M. covered in Cheetos and wondering what year it is, with 72 missed iMessages from everyone else having a blast at the club. Avoid this easy trap, because you know full well that once your eyes close they are not opening for a v v v long time.
If You Have To Go Home, Bring Friends With You. And Not Boring ones.
While we are banning naps on this list, we do understand that you may need to go home throughout the day, i.e. to change your outfit, pregame, etc. That’s acceptable as long as you’re accompanied by friends who will prevent you from napping (see above). It’s also extremely important that you don’t include any downers at this stage who will plant the seed of calling it quits at that point and potentially drag you down with them.
Eat, But Like Not That Much.
If you’re going to maintain a steady intake of alcohol for the entire time you’re awake, you should probs incorporate some solids into that mix as well. That being said, eating an entire pizza is going to take a lot out of you physically, emotionally and spiritually, and it will be very hard to bounce back from that.
Have Fun Fucking Plans.
This one cannot be understated. A lame house party or even a bar with too many fugly people isn’t going to sustain you for five minutes after a solid afternoon of dartying, nor should it. Don’t be afraid to change locations until you find a solid venue, since that will also prevent you from sinking into the nearest chair/ couch/ floor. Like this whole endeavor, it’s all about endurance and ignoring multiple red flags from your body in the name of a good time, which we truly believe you are all capable of.
Well, fam. We made it: The weekend has finally arrived. What does the weekend have in store? Will you sip on Coke and rum and be like “so what I’m drunk?” Hopefully whatever you’re getting into nothing to do with March Madness. Or peeing on underage girls. Too soon? Sry, blame it on our horoscope. Check out what the stars and The Betches have cooked up for the next few days.
Aries
After a week or two (or six) of non-stop hard work, it’s time to take a break. I promise that the world will keep turning without your valiant efforts, so spend the next few days indulging in some good old TLC (either the euphemism or the network, neither would be wrong). While it may be hard to ignore the siren calls of your friends asking for help with just one thing, or emails piling onto your already overlfowing work load, you truly deserve some time to yourself. Turn that phone off, that TV up, and relish in 48 hours of pure relaxation bliss. As Tom Haverford would say:
Taurus
It’s party time, Taurus. After nearly a month of playing the responsible friend, it’s time to let loose. Literally anything goes. This weekend is Vegas, meaning that nothing that happens will actually stay a secret but people will at least pretend to not know the horrific things you did after consuming an entire fifth of tequila. Come Sunday you consider resting in order to prep for Monday, but we say nay. Keep the party going as long as your body will tolerate. There’s always time to sleep when you’re dead (or during that Monday morning meeting).
Gemini
Tread with caution this weekend, Gemini. Not saying that the universe has it out for you or anything, but uh, don’t test it. If there comes a time to make a risky decision, opt for the safer choice. If you’re asked to take on something with high stakes, kindly decline. If you are ever in a situation that could feasibly end in police involvement, bail. Sorry to sound bleak, but sometimes it’s better to play it safe rather than sorry.
Cancer
I know things seem rough right now, Cancer, but I’m going to need you to chill. Unless you are in a plane plummeting to the surface of the Earth with no hopes of survival, nothing is every truly as bad as it seems. Sometimes all it takes is removing yourself from a situation in order to gain that much-needed perspective. This weekend, try it out. See if you can get enough distance from your problems to see them for what they are. If you come back and are still miserable, it’s probably time to address them. Otherwise, let things slide and see how much less stressed you’ll be in general.
Leo
Lucky in love, Leo? Whether or not you’ve had any success up to this point, the next two days have some serious matchmaking vibes coming your way. Make sure to looking banging at all times, because the odds of you meeting Mr. Right are very high. This means breaking out of your shell and being open to new people, otherwise you may just scare your true love away. I find that the best way to make yourself open and appealing is to get stupid drunk. No one is nervous after six shots of something regrettable. Go out with an open heart, an open mind, and an open bar tab. You’ll be surprised what may come of it.
Virgo
After months of flying under the radar as the unsung hero, this weekend is your time to SHINE, Virgo. Honestly, you’ve been killing it for a while now and haven’t received nearly as much attention as you’ve deserved. Make the most of your time in the sun, because these moments don’t come around too often. No matter what move you make, it’s going to be the right one. That kind of power could go to someone’s head, but in your stable hands it’s only going to be used for good. But if you do end up using it for bad, we promise not to tell.
Libra
Rarely are we the type to dole out financial advice, but when the stars send a message we must abide. This is a time for saving, Libra. We know you’re really popular and it’s hard to not go out with your friends and drop $50 on vodka sodas every Friday, but think to the future. All those amazing trips you have planned? They slip farther and farther away with every Postmates order. This weekend, do yourself a favor and live a little bit of the frugal life. You’ll be thanking us when you’re chilling on a beach in Turks and Caicos a year from now.
Scorpio
It seems like all anyone ever says about Scorpios is how crazy they are. “Don’t cross a Scorpio, they’ll kill you in your sleep”—a sentence literally just said to me 10 minutes ago by a coworker who saw me writing horoscopes. But you know what this weekend has in store for you, Scorpio? A whole lot of feelings. Even the toughest of us need some time to break down and collect ourselves. Let the next two days be a time of healing, Scorpio. Watch some rom coms. Eat some shitty food. Cry for no reason. You’ve earned it! Don’t let astrology culture run your life any longer; it’s time to take yourself back.
Sagittarius
You know what you need to do this weekend, Sagittarius? Take some bitches down. There’s been rolling tension in your life for a few weeks now, and its time to shut it down. Make a list, check it twice, and then head out on your one-woman missing of reckoning. Will it be kind of awkward? Probably. But the sweet, sweet sleep you’ll experience? Priceless. Plus, people will know that crossing you in the future is something to avoid. A win/win.
Capricorn
After a few weeks (maybe months) of living large, it’s time to get down to business, Capricorn. Remember that old thing called school? It’s time to get back at it. We’re all for celebrating—more than most, probably—but even we know that you can’t play hard unless you work hard. Your next adventure will be all the sweeter knowing you really earned it.
Aquarius
You have one job this weekend, Aquarius: to go MIA. You have been stretching yourself far too thing for anyone’s liking, and it’s time to take a break. Turn off your phone, turn off your mind, and turn off the world around you. You may be tempted to tend to a friend in need, but sometimes it’s more important to put yourself first. You can’t other until you help yourself. Zen, right?
Pisces
This is a weekend for going back to basics. Let’s be real, nothing is more basic than you your family, in every sense of the word. It’s time to head home and let mom take care of you for a few days. This means pj’s, comfort food, and wine that you would never actually buy for yourself. Literally, none of that sounds bad. When you’ve had your fill of questions about non-existent grandchildren, it’s time to head home.
