I feel like the only reason anyone says they looove summer is because temperatures are finally decent enough to emerge from our six month hibernation and day drink excessively. No one in their right mind actually enjoys the sweltering heat and ditching their all-black attire just so people don’t think they’re emo weirdos. By now, we’ve thankfully retired our rompers, wedges, and obnoxious bright nail polish. It’s my fave time of year where I can step into a nail salon anxiety-free and choose my go-to color without any hesitation because when in doubt, always go black. I swear, I’m like, positive my manicurist said a prayer last week when I chose a color within 30 seconds. I mean, maybe with the exception of matte black, a basic black manicure is honestly so 2000s. Although you’re too lame to try new things or you forget that 10 million other colors exist, fall def offers us a plethora of gothy polish options that are just as cute as black. They’re just as smart as black. People totally like these colors just as much as black. We should all just totally stab black!

Uh, anyway, it’s time to change it up so, here are the really effing cute neutral alternatives to step up your basic black manicure game.

1. Christian Louboutin ‘The Noirs’ Nail Colour In Daffodile

Did anyone else know Christian Louboutin had a nail polish line? Yeah, me neither, but it’s as dramatic and eye-catching as you’d expect. I mean, look at the fucking spike for a cap—amazing. This “daffodile” gray is the complete opposite of the cheery yellow flower (fucking obviously), making it the perfect cool neutral shade that looks good with any skin tone. The nail lacquer applies better than any nail polish you’ve ever tried (bible!) for glossy, long-lasting, chip-resistant results.

2. OPI Nail Lacquer In Coconut Over OPI

A summery light brown still works as the weather cools down because it’s such an edgy nude that honestly works for any time of the year. The toasty taupe is a combo of light gray and beige, making it a light shade that takes on a cooler hue. We all know that OPI is life, otherwise our local nail salon wouldn’t be stocked with it, so your nails will obviously look effortlessly chic regardless of if you DIY or treat yourself to ANC.

3. Nails Inc Nailpure Polish In Prince Arthur Road

Deep navy is like the nicer, less aggressive version of black. It actually has a pigment of color that doesn’t make you look seriously anti-social, but it’s dark enough to claw someone’s eyes out if they eat your leftovers get on your bad side. It’s neutral and dark enough to *almost* become the new black this fall, so it’ll def go with all the black ankle booties you wear this season.

4. NARS Nail Polish In Chinatown

Honestly, nothing is more betchy than a gorg red manicure. It’s classy, sophisticated, and IDK why, but it just makes you look like a boss-ass bitch. There’s just something about a deep merlot nail in the fall that makes me drink wine more than usual feel like I have my shit together. It looks fab with every single one of my generic black leggings and Adidas Superstars (persecute me), and yet, it still channels my inner homicidal persona.

5. Jin Soon Nail Polish In Tila

The description literally says “moody” so that’s how you know you’re in the right place. The cross of deep ocean and forest green is seriously v unique if you’re looking for something to spice up your life, and it’s totally not basic yet so you may as well cop this while you can. Jin Soon’s collection is pretty clutch because it dries in like, five seconds and lasts forever compared to the shit you probs buy at Duane Reade.

6. Essie Nail Polish In Sole Mate

Dark purple is my go-to on days I feel like being the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet. A dark plum is a neutral deep purple you can match with surprisingly everything and easily take from fall into the upcoming winter. Essie’s 10/10 nail polish slays the game and will make your next dark mani look just as #flawless as this color.

With summer coming to an end, we don’t need any more reminders about how depressing it is. We don’t care about your dumb excitement for sweater weather or your so-called “PSL SZN.” Our rosé is officially on sale and our favorite rooftop bar is now just a bar. What a literal buzzkill. Before your skin gets dry AF and your social life becomes obsolete, treat yourself to an expensive manicure to make yourself feel better. You’ll be seeing these nail art trends all over NYFW this Fall, so why not get ahead of the trend and make it look like everyone copied you?

1. Metallic Mosaics

This trend is all about goth glam, so if you’re the type of person to let someone go in front of you at Starbucks, it’s probably not your thing. If you can’t really envision metallics and mosaics going together, think rock ‘n’ roll meets random designs with some gold accents. We’re actually really feeling this trend because it’s allowing you to wear glitter on your nails without being a 12-year-old girl at her Lady Gaga themed bat mitzvah. These nails are dark enough for the fall, and the shimmer is pretty dope if you wear enough black.

2. Clean Lines

Symmetrical lines and color blocking will always be in style, but this season, clean lines are the go-to, and we approve. We were getting pretty sick of the half moons and french tips, so some clean lines are actually refreshing. Some designers are calling this look “industrial design,” but like, all we see are lines. Horizontal and vertical are both being done, so it just depends if you’re feeling more of a referee vibe or a lined paper vibe. Either way, you can’t really go wrong with stripes on your nails. We did it at sleepovers in the third grade, so we can get with it again.

3. Pierced Nails

If candy crush existed in manicure form, it would be this. Pierced nails might be the least practical trend right now, but if you don’t cook or clean or write or do any sort of exercise that involves your hands, this mani is ideal for you. We admit this look is extra AF, but you don’t have to have a shit ton of piercings to pull it off. I mean, people are literally getting graduation cap tassels hanging off their nails. Then again, you could also get Jersey Shore hoops on your pinky. It sounds trashy and inconvenient, but then again, we’re talking about a $90 manicure here. Let’s not question anyone’s values.

4. Dry-Brush

This look is inspired by modern art, and it’s all about creating streaky effects by dipping the brush into a bit of color and swiping it onto the nail. Basically, think of it as one of those paintings you see at the MoMA and think “WTF is this,” but then you find out its $10 million and you’re like, “This is amazing.” The dry-brush trend is a multi-colored look, so if you’re strictly into neutrals and pale pinks, it may not be your style, but if you’ve ever owned a Harajuku perfume bottle, you’ll appreciate this look.

5. Colored Tips

We haven’t gotten a French manicure since we were 14, but it’s making somewhat of a comeback with colored tips this season. This trend is best done with two colors, but people are also doing it with just a clean nail and then a colored tip, so like, it just depends on how many colors you’re willing to commit to. This trend is perfect for the girl who panics when the manicurist says “pick your color” like it’s the most important decision you’ll have to make that day. Now you can pick more than one and not have to Snapchat your friends all of your options for a group vote. 

Every summer, we put on the longest disguise to force ourselves into wearing bright colors and having pastel manicures so no one knows our hearts are as cold as a frozen marg all year round. Obviously, this summer was no different. Even if you were still stuck on wearing all black everything during the hottest months of the year, you probs couldn’t resist giving in to subtle blonde highlights or a millennial pink manicure at some point. Since autumn is approaching v quickly, soon enough we’ll put this masquerade of ours away to show our true colors—until next summer, that is, and I mean this both literally and metaphorically. It’s something about the colder temperatures and dying nature that makes us feel as though wearing gothy sophisticated lipstick and edgy clothing that basically resembles our MySpace pictures in 2006 is totally fitting for our soul the occasion. Whether you’re holding a PSL, throwing back spiked cider, or happily content on your couch sobbing over This Is Us (Just me?), here are the best nail polish shades to ask for this fall so your manicure goes perfectly with your temperamental personality.

1. Essie Nail Polish In Knee-High Life

Essie’s fall 2017 collection is inspired by rebellious spirits of the 90’s so like, a collection perfectly made for all of us and our moody selves. Swap out your bright summer red for a shade that resembles your fave wine—a Merlot grape. It’s a dark wine with purple undertones and since it says it all in the name, it’ll look phenom with an oversized cardigan and knee-high socks.

2. OPI Classic Nail Lacquer in Turn On The Northern Lights

This fall, OPI wants you to travel to Iceland to see cool shit like volcanoes and glaciers. Thanks for the offer, but I can’t even deal with east coast winters so I’m gonna pass. However, I will vacay there vicariously through their new Iceland collection, especially with this shade of shimmery blue and purple. Its sparkly cool tone and deep hue says sophisticated AF for a work-focused attitude you probs won’t have for more than a week come next season.

3. Chanel Le Vernis Longwear Nail Colour in Roubachka

Any shade of purple usually suggests you’re into like, mysterious men solely for the reason that they use pickup lines you only hear in movies without showing any depth of character. Sounds about right, so it only makes sense to draw them in with a darker chic manicure. A deep purple such as this captivating shade complements every skin tone and gives off an intense secretive effect. Boys love that shit. I’d assume “roubachka” backs me up on this but I literally can’t find any other translation other than “Russian blouse” so I’m rolling with it. Side note: Every time I use a polish from the Le Vernis line, my nails never chip and they last longer than my pedicures, which is unheard of, so I promise this one is worth the splurge.

4. NARS Nail Polish in Blow-Up

Nothing says basic bitch fall like a pure orange to remind us of literally everything fall represents: Halloween, pumpkins, leaves, more pumpkins…etc. Most would stray away from an orange nail because well, it’s orange and not really anyone’s first choice, but with the weather getting cooler and skies getting darker, the bright shade will enhance your skin tone for a subtle warm glow and provide a nice pop to your depressing neutral wardrobe.

5. Marc Jacobs Beauty Enamored Hi-Shine Nail Polish in Baby Jane

A combo of gray and that neutral beige we’ll be wearing too much of is this gorg color. It’s the new nude to hold you over during the next few months with brown hues and cool smokey undertones. Wear for a clean classy look to perk up your mood in the bland office or let it complement any bold outfit you choose to blackout in Labor Day weekend.

It’s basically summer, which means that you’ll be wearing sandals and taking pictures holding fruity drinks in the air like, all of the time for the next few months. You should probably stock up on some summer nail polish so you’re not rocking a ratchet chipped mani or pedi. And yes, you should probably also buy some even if your nail girl is currently the most solid relationship in your life. I don’t really have a reason for this, I just feel like having lots of nail polish is generally important. Here are a few shades you should def get for summer, so you’re not permanently rocking that Lincoln Park After Dark your mom slipped into your Christmas stocking last year.

1. Essie Topless & Barefoot

Besides the fact that this totally sounds like the name of a trashy country song, Essie Topless and Barefoot is the most popular nail polish on Pinterest at the moment. Say what you want about the Pinterest bitches and their chevron-covered boards; if there’s one thing they know, it’s nail polish.

2. Ciaté Mani Marker

This shit is literally amazing. Remember that one emo girl in middle school who always “painted” her nails with highlighter? Well obviously, she got a boujee job in product development at Ciaté London and came up with this genius idea. Why have we even been painting our nails with brushes for all these years? Are we cavemen? Markers are obviously the move.

3. OPI Fiji Nail Lacquer Collection

Even if you’re not into painting your own nails (I mean, is anyone actually into having their dominant hand look like you let a child try to paint it for you? Besides those girls who are always like “I’m actually so good at painting my own nails.” Congratulations, did I ask?), I’d highly advise at least rooting through this collection at Ulta for Instagram caption inspiration. Do You Sea What I Sea? and Exotic Birds Don’t Tweet are def the strongest contenders.

4. NAILS INC. NAILKALE Illuminator

This nail polish has everything. (If you didn’t read that in Stefan’s voice from SNL, you have some serious soul searching to do.) Anyway, it’s basically a highlighter for your nails, and I know you’re obsessed with highlighter because like, the number one question asked by drunk girls in bathrooms is “Oh my godddddd what highliiiighter is thattt?!”

5. NCLA 7 Free Pressed Nail Lacquer Low Cal-So Cal-Red

The description for this nail polish sounds like a long-ass caption from a health and fitness blogger, so I’ll save you the pain and sum it up for you. Basically, this nail polish was designed to act as a juice cleanse… but for your nails? I don’t know, I totally don’t get it. But if painting my nails red means I’m kind of participating in a detox without actually have to do anything, I’m down. This is a perfect out for those of you (me) who didn’t do anything to get ready for bikini season, and aren’t really trying to make any significant moves, either. 

For all my New York betches, I know you’re just as excited as me to know that Thursday is supposed to have perfect day drinking temperature (high 80’s) so Mother Nature, please don’t be psycho. For those of you somewhere on the west coast, you probably don’t care because this is your average weather but like, let us rejoice in this moment. The first solid week where it’s warm enough to go to a rooftop bar without a jacket basically means summer has officially arrived. You may think all you need is an artsy backdrop, pretty face with oversized sunglasses, and a colorful drink (that probably tastes like shit) to get 100,000 likes on Insta. Wrong. You are so wrong. You also need a fresh as fuck summer manicure holding that drink. Having sucky nail beds, bare nails, chipped nail polish—or worse: yellow nail polish—is honestly social suicide. This summer’s manicure trends are all about bright red shades, natural nudes, negative space nail art, and “cuticle jewelry” (yes, I swear this is a thing). These go a little beyond just “picking a color.”

1. Bright Red

This timeless color is going to be everywhere this summer. A perfect bright red such as Butter LONDON’s Come to Bed Red is just glamorous and sexual as its name suggests. This will add just the right amount of sass to any outfit in the summer. 

Butter LONDON Come to Bed Red

2. Playful Pastels

Essie is loved by anyone who’s anyone, including many of the celebrities you follow on Instagram. The brand’s collections are highly anticipated and usually fly off shelves anywhere they’re sold. Essie’s summer 2017 collection is apparently so good, stores have already been selling the colors a month earlier than they were supposed to. The light-colored and metallic shades were inspired by the city of love/lights (whatever you want to call it): the one and only Paris. With names such as Éclaire My Love and S’il Vous Play, even if you don’t have a life travel the world this summer, these colors will look gorg with any calorie-loaded doughnut you’re holding. Au revoir, bitches.

3. Rose Gold

You love rosé just as much as the basic bitch next to you and you’re probably wearing a Michael Kors rose gold watch as we speak. So why wouldn’t you let your basic-ness hang out, loud and proud, with a rose gold mani? This is essential for all the rosé you’ll obvs be drinking at bottomless brunches.

Mark Jacobs Enamored Hi-Shine Nail Polish in Gatsby

4. Holographic Nails

If you think you’ve seen the last of the fucking unicorn trend, you have another thing coming to you. I’m saying this as if I didn’t just a buy a choker with a unicorn on it, but anyway, really let your unicorn guilty pleasure shine with a trippy af holographic nail. Try Urban Outfitters Hologram nail polish in silver. I’ve seen this mesmerizing color in person and it looks ah-maze.

5. Negative Space Nail Art

This one is a little out there, but apparently it’s cool nowadays to rock a chipped nail design, as long as it looks fashionable and artsy. This is ideal if you’re trying to channel your inner hipster. If you are the Martha Stewart of nails, you can probably do this at home. However, if you’re like me and have the artistic ability of drawing stick figures, then ask a manicurist instead. This nail art consists of using nail tape to create minimalist images and painting in between the lines to create designs that end up looking like this:

6. Cuticle Jewelry

I can’t even with this term, honestly. The idea is supposed to create an illusion that your cuticles are wearing jewelry such as a gold necklace or a fucking choker if you must. The pictures are pretty self-explanatory so if this is your thing, you do you, boo.

7. Au Naturale Nudes

For a clean, professional look, get a basic mani with a nude color. This is perfect if you only feel like doing the bare minimum (which is all the time), but still want to look classy and chic. Deborah Lippmann’s Undressed set comes with six colors that are great for any skin tone, whether it be trying a fair pink nude or a sable nude. Also, the next time you get a “send nudes” text, they obviously are talking about your nails.

Deborah Lippmann Undressed Nail Polish Set

8. Not A Regular Black, A Cool Black

If you still get unnecessary anxiety when you’re asked to pick a color, it’s okay to go for your usual black. But only if you spice it up a little by opting for a matte black or a shade of black with a color underlay, such as OPI’s Black Cherry Chutney.

This year one in five betches will be afflicted with Nail Regret. It’ll happen when they least expect it: before a wedding, on the way to a first date, after an especially good paycheck. They’ll look down at the manicure they just spent 12 whole wine bottle buying dollars on and think to themselves: “WTF I asked for peach not fucking PUMPKIN.” Tragic.

For those of you who aren’t aware, Nail Regret is the term used for when a betch fucks up regrets her nail color after a manicure. Emotionally, this ranks right up there with trying to respond to a fuckboy’s text message and coming to terms with the fact that cookie dough will give you salmonella. It can be hard to accept that it’s not Sasha your nail technician’s fault and that actually pastels just aren’t in your color wheel. But the first step towards acceptance is admitting you’re in the wrong—LOL, psych. As if.

I would rather stab myself in the eye with a blunt fork then say “you’re right” to Sasha about not being able to pull off orange PEACH. And because I’m assuming you, like me, would rather cause yourself bodily harm than admit you’re wrong, I’ve gone ahead and listed 5 stages in which to deal with your regret:

1. Shock/Denial

You know the moment it happens, usually around the time that Sasha is just finishing up the second coat of color and working on the top coat, and you’re just like fuuuuckkk. Suddenly the fun, chic color you were going to premier at your sister’s wedding to show her that you are 1000% okay with her getting married before you looks less fun and chic and more orange. Fuck.

2. Bartering/Anger

Once the shock has worn off you’ll do the logical thing and start making deals with the powers that be. Like, are you there god? It’s me, Margaret and could you cut me some fucking slack please? It’s one thing to send me on a Tinder date with someone who lied about their height in their bio but leave my mani out of this, thanks.

Then comes the rage blackouts anger. Tbh I can’t be held accountable for what I do when my nails look like shit. My first instinct when I’m feeling insecure is to ruin lives (or so my therapist says) and if the FIRE in the RBF I’m sending to Sasha isn’t enough of a warning not to test me rn then she cannot be helped. Just wait until you read my Yelp review, bitch. 

3. Guilt

Here is where you start saying crazy shit like, maybe you shouldn’t have made a scene with Sasha back there about how she sabotaged you with a fugly nail color. Also, maybe you shouldn’t have actually slept with the hobbit from that Tinder date. Wait, holy shit is this why you can’t have nice things?!

4. Depression

We all handle this stage differently. Some people would make a mental note of their mistake and work to correct it in the future. I am not friends with those people. I’d say the below image is a good representation of how I handle all my problems ranging from “my ex-boyfriend just sent me a ‘U up?’ text” to, say, trying out the color orange for the first time as a gel manicure:

^^ Actual footage of me handling my problems.

5. Acceptance

It can be hard to admit you’re wrong so I’d recommend that you don’t. Instead spend the next two weeks internally screaming at yourself until eventually the nail polish starts to chip your anger starts to fade. Healthy, right?

So there you have it. Do these stages resemble the 5 stages of grief as determined by the Kübler-Ross model? Yes. But does regretting your nail color slightly resemble the loss of a family member close friend girl you met in line for the bathroom? It’s really a close call.

Unnecessary beauty combinations are literally the bane of my existence. If I see one more Lisa Frank-inspired makeup look or hair color that looks like a unicorn puked on someone’s head, I’m going to do something drastic like delete my Instagram for at least 30 seconds. That being said, I don’t know how to deal with prosecco flavored nail polish. It definitely falls into the “useless beauty trend” category, but it also combines my two true passions: glitter and bubbly wine. Do you see my problem?

Oddly enough, the nail polish was created by Groupon to celebrate Mother’s Day. I guess the company finally caught on to the Wine Mom meme two years too late? Anyway, Groupon claims it’s the world’s first prosecco flavored nail polish, which is probably true because I can’t imagine anyone would have put those two things together before.

The polish is your basic gold and glittery color, which is actually pretty cute. The cool/weird part is that it’s made with actual, literal prosecco, and it’s edible, as in you can lick it off your nails if you want to look like an escaped lunatic. In fact, the polish has enough alcohol that it’s apparently super flammable??

Groupon claims it “tastes like the real thing,” in case you want to enjoy the taste of prosecco without the fun of getting drunk for some pointless reason. (Why would anyone do that to themselves?) But the part that kinda-sorta won my approval is that the polish is also supposed to smell like prosecco, so everyone would think you’re drunk anyway if you wore it. You’d basically be free to chug all the wine you can get your hands on this Mother’s Day and blame it on the nail polish if anyone asks. That, in my opinion, is a winning quality.

Tragically, or not-so-tragically if you’re still unconvinced, the nail polish isn’t actually for sale; it’s part of a Groupon UK contest. Are you fucking kidding me? After everything we just went through, you can’t even buy this shit? God, Groupon, I fucking hate you. You just wasted my time and sent me on an emotional rollercoaster (albeit, one that was coherent and whose points were very well-articulated, thank you very much), all over something I can’t even have?! You’re truly a fuckboy. You can take your reasonably priced spa packages because we are through.