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I literally never thought I’d see the day where I’d be saying this, but I think I’ve officially been converted to a press-on nail person.
For pretty much the entirety of my childhood, the only reason I ever thought about press-on nails was because I was always on the lookout for them in my great-aunt’s lasagna (talk about disgusting). Seriously, she would be cooking and then all of a sudden one of her nails would be missing and she would say, “whoever finds it gets dessert first.” I could literally vomit thinking about it. From that day forward, I vowed that I would never wear press-on nails.
Cut-to 3 months ago when I was a bridesmaid in a wedding and I had such a busy work week that there was a zero percent chance I was going to make it to the nail salon. And, TBH, I didn’t really want to spend 2 hours in a chair and my hard-earned cash because my friend (the queen of bridezillas) wanted a uniform French manicure. This might be a hot-take, but no one is looking at our hands, Susan… NO ONE.
When I showed up to the rehearsal dinner, naked nails and all, one of the other bridesmaids came to my rescue with a little circular pack of press-ons. I adamantly resisted these nails at first, suggesting that I could paint my own French manicure that night. But, in the end the chic packaging and near-perfect designs piqued my interest—and frankly, a pre-schooler could paint my nails better than I could.
Later that night, I trudged back to my hotel room feeling resentful that I needed to spend another minute thinking about my f*cking nails. But I did it. I opened the little package and began glueing. I don’t know how to explain this, but something literally comes over you when your nails are long, done up with designs, and look, dare I say, expensive? I tried on these ManiMuse nails and suddenly I was Carrie Bradshaw sitting at a bar, cosmopolitan in hand.
First of all, they come with everything you need to make your hands look presentable. Somehow in this miniscule package, they included a dual-sided buffer and file, non-toxic nail glue, and over 24 different nails to find your perfect size. And, I really don’t care what other people say, size does matter.
I am not kidding you when I say these nails last for at least 2 weeks after the wedding. So, I went home and stalked the website so hard, Sherlock Holmes would have been embarrassed. There were countless chic AF designs that honestly look like you paid for a $100 manicure sans the 2 hour appointment. So, naturally, I ordered one in every color. To say I’ve been hooked ever since is an understatement. Even my great-aunt was impressed.
Little White Lies Press-On Gel Manicure
Shop it: ManiMuse Little White Lies Press-On Gel Manicure, $16, ManiMuse
I feel like the only reason anyone says they looove summer is because temperatures are finally decent enough to emerge from our six month hibernation and day drink excessively. No one in their right mind actually enjoys the sweltering heat and ditching their all-black attire just so people don’t think they’re emo weirdos. By now, we’ve thankfully retired our rompers, wedges, and obnoxious bright nail polish. It’s my fave time of year where I can step into a nail salon anxiety-free and choose my go-to color without any hesitation because when in doubt, always go black. I swear, I’m like, positive my manicurist said a prayer last week when I chose a color within 30 seconds. I mean, maybe with the exception of matte black, a basic black manicure is honestly so 2000s. Although you’re too lame to try new things or you forget that 10 million other colors exist, fall def offers us a plethora of gothy polish options that are just as cute as black. They’re just as smart as black. People totally like these colors just as much as black. We should all just totally stab black!
Uh, anyway, it’s time to change it up so, here are the really effing cute neutral alternatives to step up your basic black manicure game.
1. Christian Louboutin ‘The Noirs’ Nail Colour In Daffodile
Did anyone else know Christian Louboutin had a nail polish line? Yeah, me neither, but it’s as dramatic and eye-catching as you’d expect. I mean, look at the fucking spike for a cap—amazing. This “daffodile” gray is the complete opposite of the cheery yellow flower (fucking obviously), making it the perfect cool neutral shade that looks good with any skin tone. The nail lacquer applies better than any nail polish you’ve ever tried (bible!) for glossy, long-lasting, chip-resistant results.
2. OPI Nail Lacquer In Coconut Over OPI
A summery light brown still works as the weather cools down because it’s such an edgy nude that honestly works for any time of the year. The toasty taupe is a combo of light gray and beige, making it a light shade that takes on a cooler hue. We all know that OPI is life, otherwise our local nail salon wouldn’t be stocked with it, so your nails will obviously look effortlessly chic regardless of if you DIY or treat yourself to ANC.
3. Nails Inc Nailpure Polish In Prince Arthur Road
Deep navy is like the nicer, less aggressive version of black. It actually has a pigment of color that doesn’t make you look seriously anti-social, but it’s dark enough to claw someone’s eyes out if they
eat your leftovers get on your bad side. It’s neutral and dark enough to *almost* become the new black this fall, so it’ll def go with all the black ankle booties you wear this season.
4. NARS Nail Polish In Chinatown
Honestly, nothing is more betchy than a gorg red manicure. It’s classy, sophisticated, and IDK why, but it just makes you look like a boss-ass bitch. There’s just something about a deep merlot nail in the fall that makes me
drink wine more than usual feel like I have my shit together. It looks fab with every single one of my generic black leggings and Adidas Superstars (persecute me), and yet, it still channels my inner homicidal persona.
5. Jin Soon Nail Polish In Tila
The description literally says “moody” so that’s how you know you’re in the right place. The cross of deep ocean and forest green is seriously v unique if you’re looking for something to spice up your life, and it’s totally not basic yet so you may as well cop this while you can. Jin Soon’s collection is pretty clutch because it dries in like, five seconds and lasts forever compared to the shit you probs buy at Duane Reade.
6. Essie Nail Polish In Sole Mate
Dark purple is my go-to on days I feel like being the sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet. A dark plum is a neutral deep purple you can match with surprisingly everything and easily take from fall into the upcoming winter. Essie’s 10/10 nail polish slays the game and will make your next dark mani look just as #flawless as this color.