The 1990s and 2000s are BACK, everybody. Pretty much everyone and everything you loved as a preteen is back in style, and music is no exception. Ja Rule and Ashanti are working on an album, for one. For another, Ashlee Simpson is back in a big way. This time she’s not a solo act (so sadly we won’t get a “Pieces of Me” reprise), but she’s teamed up with her husband Evan Ross for a sound that’s a little more bluesy. For what it’s worth, I think Ashlee and Evan work better as a team (don’t @ me, 90s kids). Ashlee and Evan have released a new music video for their acoustic track, “I Do”, and you can check it out here at Betches basically before you can see it anywhere else. It’s a simple video, with just Ashlee and Evan singing. I know, groundbreaking, right? No storyline that makes no sense, no cheesy special effects, just musicians playing music in their music video. Mind. Blown.

Ashlee and Evan recently released an EP together, called Ashlee + Evan, consisting of six tracks in total. With the release of the “I Do” acoustic video, the husband and wife duo also announced they are going on a North American tour. It’s kicking off on January 7, 2019 and it will hit Washington DC, Atlanta, Nashville, Chicago, Dallas, San Francisco, and Los Angeles. Tickets are on sale now, and trust me, even though January 2019 seems like, years away, it’s going to come up sooner than you think.

Check out the video for “I Do” below and start blowing up your group chat to tell them Ashlee Simpson is going on tour.

Image courtesy of High Rise PR

Remember last week, when we talked about how Taylor Swift had been prancing around London shooting a music video and generally being the worst? Scratch that. Well, not completely, but file it away somewhere for now, because Taylor’s next music video is actually going to be much, much worse different than we expected.

Taylor teased a few seconds of the “…Ready For It?” video on Instagram, and our minds are melting. The girl has gone wild. The preview is only a few brief shots, but there’s already so much to talk shit about discuss.

First of all, we see her name in some Transformers type font with lightning bolts going across it. It’s basically what a sixth grade boy would design for himself if he knew how to do animation, so it’s a major vibe for Taylor.

 

…Ready For It? Official Music Video out Thursday night. #ReadyForItMusicVideo

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

Oct 23, 2017 at 7:00am PDT

The actual shots of the video are giving strong sci-fi dystopian imagery, which I guess is the logical next move for her career. We briefly see her as some sort of naked cyborg, which is honestly a very big deal because up until this point, Taylor has made (what I assume to be) a conscious decision to never show herself naked. And when Kanye infamously portrayed her naked figure in the “Famous” music video, Taylor lost her shit. So this decision is actually, dare I say, huge. Does it mean Taylor has finally said “fuck it” and embraced the new Taylor (whoever she is)? I guess we’ll have to wait to find out.

A lot of people are comparing this video clip to Scarlett Johansson in the movie Ghost in the Shell, which would be cool except that movie bombed at the box office and got tons of criticism for white-washing the main character. Good thing Taylor is super exotic looking and definitely not white!!

We also get little glimpses of Taylor in a cape with a hood, as well as controlling lightning with her fingertip like she’s about to introduce a Disney Channel Original Movie. Basically, Taylor is going for some high-concept shit with this video, and we’re very curious to see how this turns out. Can’t wait for Thursday!

Another weekend has come and gone, and I for one am convinced we’re living in a time warp. There’s literally no other logical explanation for why the weekends fly by and yet I age approximately 80 years in the span of one work day. Fortunately, we’ve got just the thing to make you temporarily forget that it’s Monday and you still have a full week of work ahead: new music from Tritonal. Tritonal, in case you’re out of the loop, is an electronic duo who’s been around since 2008. Remember that song “Now Or Never” that you heard in like, every NFL broadcast in 2015? Yeah, that was them. Now they’re back with a fire new song called “Good Thing” featuring Laurell.

But that’s not all. We’re exclusively premiering the music video for Tritonal’s “Good Thing”. It features Sierra Skye, who’s almost as famous on Instagram as us. The video was directed by Jordan Taylor Wright, who’s also directed “Closer” by (who else?) The Chainsmokers, “There For You” by Martin Garrix & Troye Sivan, and many more. This video features lots of summery vibes that will either make you depressed that the weather is growing colder by the day, OR it just might make you think back to happier times when drinking on boats and rooftops was socially acceptable and didn’t put you at risk for developing frostbite.

Watch the video below.

Listen to Tritonal on Spotify and follow them on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

The late 90s was a weird time. Nobody really had a cell phone. We were all legitimately worried that the world would explode or whatever the fuck when the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2000. Mean Girls didn’t exist yet. Weirdest of all was the music at the time, and none of it was weirder than 1999’s “The Thong Song” by Sisqo. The music video is, unequivocally, the most 1999 thing to ever exist—the quaint idea that guys secretly talk about underwear, the hotdog-as-a-dick visual metaphor, the vaguely Asian iconography, the censoring of the word “breasts,” etc.—and it was all delivered by a strange little man with platinum hair and Air Force Ones doing gymnastics at the beach. And it worked! It was a legitimate, nation-wide phenomenon. Your mom probably hummed it while she folded laundry. I knew every fucking move in that dance break (I was, and remain, almost cripplingly cool).

It’s the kind of thing that doesn’t age well, and isn’t really something you can explain to subsequent generations—it’s you, sitting in the backseat while your dad belts out Billy Joel classics, and saying “ew dad, people actually liked this when you were young?” I don’t hate it even 18 years later, but it’s not a “good” song. It’s a relic best left in its era, only to be dusted off for get togethers with my old-ass friends and 90s/2000s-themed frat parties.

That’s why it’s weird as all hell that, for whatever reason, someone named JCY decided now was the time to “bring back” “The Thong Song,” only with a KEWL NEW VIBE for the MILLENNIULZ:

This, objectively, is a piece of shit. It rips out everything that gave the original what modicum of charm it had (the strings, Sisqo’s vocals) and kept everything that made it stupid (the verses are still identical, Sisqo is old and can’t sing or dance anymore). The women in the video don’t even have good thong butts!

As far as the new track, Buzzfeed (because they are and will forever be the most stupid goddamn destination on the internet) says it “feels VERY 2017,” which almost made me spit out my cold brew. This is terrible EDM, so bad it makes the Chainsmokers sound like fucking Bob Dylan by comparison. On top of that, I can think of, oh, a dozen songs right now that better exemplify today’s sound than this transistor radio recording of wet fart sounds. The only thing that’s “VERY 2017” about it is that, versus the 1999 version, everyone in the video is whiter.

Don’t let people do this shit. We all have things from our childhoods we remember, probably a little more fondly than they merit—and it’s best to keep it that way. I’m gonna go watch those kids dance to “Despacito” for half an hour and pretend this never happened.

Selena Gomez, our favorite oversexualized adult baby and most-followed person on Instagram, is back with a new single, and the accompanying video clip honestly makes us cringe more than a little bit. Here’s some background: the new song is called Fetish. Yeah. RIP Selena Gomez the Disney star. She is dead and buried. In the lyrics, the fetish is just actually for some dude’s love (lame), but it’s clear the message she’s trying to get across is a little more Fifty Shades. Dating The Weeknd has definitely been giving her some ideas. The song features Gucci Mane, who definitely went to prison at some point, but Selena is a Mature Adult™️ who does whatever she wants. I mean, the two were in ‘Spring Breakers’ together, so I guess it’s nice to see them collab again. The first one was soooo successful.

Like ya do, Selena dropped a music video to accompnay her so and it is definitely in line with her new sex kitten brand. The audio/video/porno is 3 minutes and 4 seconds of only her lips, mouthing the words to the song and then just kind of hanging out for the rest of the time. The highlight is definitely during Gucci’s verse, when she decides to just suck on her finger for a bit. The video itself is bizarrely labeled “Fetish (Audio)” on YouTube, but it’s literally a video so who knows wtf that is about. Maybe there is another, even more explicit video to come? Who knows what body part that will be focused on. I vote elbow. 

I guess we’ll all just have to sit around and wait for the full version of the video to come out, which it definitely will. There’s no way the most followed person on Instagram is cool with having only part of her face in a video. There’s also no doubt whatever Selena is cooking up next will be just as sexual but probably involve like seven more outfit changes. Homegirl is trying to make it very clear that she’s not a child anymore. Like girl, we believe you, you’ve been singing about sex for a solid three years now.

Check out the video for yourself if you’re dying to figure out what kind of lip balm Ms. Gomez is using, but other than that you can probably just listen to the song on Spotify.

We all thought it was pretty silly that Corinne had a minor role in some rap guys’ music video. Then we all thought it was pretty silly Corinne was in an awkward mascara commercial that also starred Vinny from Jersey Shore for some reason. But like, it’s Corinne, you know? It wasn’t exactly surprising that someone who made a name for herself by spraying whipped cream on her boobs also previously made a name for herself by acting strung-out in a rap video.

Related: Corinne Was In A 2 Chainz & Juicy J Video

But the real sneaky video vixen might not be Corinne at all. Dun dun dunnnnnn. In fact, our dear, sweet Danielle M. has been in not one, but two semi-popular music videos. I say semi-popular because they got a ton of views, but at the end of the day they’re country music videos. So, you know.

Anyway, in 2013, Danielle starred in Jake Owen’s “Beachin”. Of course, she has much longer hair in the video, but it’s still pretty fucking obvious that it’s Danielle. That video has over 18 million YouTube views, by the way—not bad for a compilation of every summer cliché cleverly disguised as a song.

Our girl Danielle first appears at around the 50 second mark, laughing and holding hands with some guy who’s decidedly not current Bachelor, Nick Viall. Danielle, how could you?!

Here she is “sexily” eating mint chocolate chip ice cream. 

This has got to be the least efficient way to eat ice cream ever. How much mint chip can you really scoop up with your index finger? Why would you want to eat ice cream off some dude’s finger when you’re holding the fucking cone?

And in case you still don’t believe me, here’s our beloved Danielle M. walking down the beach in a bikini, looking lovingly at the male frat star of this video.

Is that underboob tattoo real? God, I hope not. There’s way more to this video, but I won’t go through all the major points because A) I think you get the idea, and B) this song is fucking terrible. It’s like, some country dude trying to rap about the beach, punctuated by some short moments of singing. It’s not pretty. But in case you want to subject yourself to the torture, you can watch the whole video below.

But that’s not all! Last year, Danielle appeared as the love interest in Cole Swindell’s “Middle of a Memory”. She’s more identifiable with her signature short locks and girl-next-door beauty. It’s actually a pretty popular song if you’re into that kind of thing. It has over 14 million views on YouTube atm. Let’s take a look.

Danielle M. is in the video right away—you go, girl. Good for you. She’s at what appears to be a party scene, sporting some unfortunate eye makeup and a slightly dazed expression.

SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.

And here she is romancing singer Cole Swindell, who is definitely not hot enough to be talking to her, but whatever.

K I’m going to stop now because you get the point (and because I’m finding myself actually liking this song). There’s a surprise twist at the end, so I low-key recommend watching it (but you didn’t hear it from me).

Now onto the real issue here. There is no way this woman is a neonatal nurse! When would she have had the time, in between nursing school and like, delivering babies, to casually star in a bunch of country videos? I got a B.A. in Creative Writing because I’m a lazy piece of shit with no ambition, but my friends in the nursing profession tell me that shit is like, really hard. Not only is nursing school difficult—you have to actually study for tests, rather than taking an Adderall and busting out a literary analysis in two hours—but being a nurse is no picnic, either. When you’re on your feet all day dodging baby vomit, how do you find the time and energy to go pretend to be some redneck’s love interest? It’s just not adding up.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Well maybe those songs are super old and this was before her neonatal career.” Nope. That Jake Owen song came out in 2013, and the Cole Swindell song came out in 2016. So she would have been well into her nursing career for at least one of these videos—that is, if she is really a nurse. I am no longer convinced. How is it that Corinne being a multimillion-dollar business owner is the most plausible career on The Bachelor?

Related: What Multimillion-Dollar Company Does Corinne Run? An Investigation

Now that I think about it, Danielle is weirdly really good in front of a camera and always rocks her best angles. We should have known something was up. 

I was kind of rooting for Danielle M. because she seems genuinely sweet and “here for the right reasons”, but now that we know she’s a little hungry for screen time, my opinion might change. MMM maybe not. Anybody but Corrine, right? 

The video for the song no one asked for is finally here! I’m talking about the moody rollercoaster from the Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack, “I Don’t Want To Live Forever.” A song that supposedly took only a week to make now has an accompanying video that looks like it was put together in 30 minutes. Makes sense.

If for some reason you want to copy faux underdog-turned-model-hoarder-turned-reptile,Taylor Alison Swift, or are just interested in emanating the same desperate kind of vibe, then today’s your lucky day. Because much like her response to that leaked Kanye footage (which she copied and pasted directly from her publicist) Tay’s makeup is really not hard to replicate at all. 

Lips:

According to makeup artist Pat McGrath’s Instagram, the specific lip color combo on Taylor’s lips is Pat McGrath’s Lab Lust in 004. Unfortunately, it’s sold out. But, you can still get the look.

Start with a liquid lipstick in dark red, like Anastasia Beverly Hills Liquid Lipstick in Vamp.

Then, mix an adhesive like this one with some glitter. MAC Reflects Blackened Red Glitter should do the trick. Then, put it on your lips. Then, call all of your ex boyfriends and ask if they want to get back together with you and when they say no, burst into flames.

Eyes:

Really all you need for this is a shit ton of eyeliner and false lashes and a false sense of superiority. Try the classic style from Huda Beauty to get a similar effect:

If you’re feeling wild and like you might want to date a man who would wear a tank top with your initials on it, you can dust a taupe matte in your creases. Bobbi Brown’s shadow in Taupe is legit.

As for how to replicate the rest of her psycho vibe?

And whatever TF this hair twirl thing is? Is it supposed to be sexy and/or sexual? TBD.

I have no idea. But, I do want to point out that in this video, Taylor’s plucking white roses. Guess who else once gave her a ton of white roses.

She might not want to live forever, but she sure as fuck will hold a grudge until the day she dies.