I’ll be the first person to admit that I know next to nothing about fashion. All I wear are variations of crop tops and high waisted bottoms (quarantine looks notwithstanding), and I basically never sign onto a trend until I’ve seen it at every music festival (RIP) and I can no longer pretend it’s too impractical to be worn. So maybe I’m not the right person to be writing this article, or maybe I’m the exact perfect person to write it. In any case, I’m here to comment on an extremely puzzling choice by Lululemon, so that’s that. While I may not be on the cutting edge of the latest fashion trends, I’m not the only person who was straight-up bewildered by this Lululemon dress, that looks sort of like something you might find in the halls of Hogwarts or on a Handmaid, because it’s getting absolutely clowned in the reviews.
The Face Forward dress, a collar between Lululemon and London-based designer Roksanda, features black and navy color blocking, secured zipper pockets (pockets!), an interior card pocket (sure, why not), mesh ventilation, and a whole slew of other features, including a weird cord tie situation in the front. I’ve never looked at my mom’s 30-year-old bungee cords and thought to myself that they would look great plastered on my hips, but I guess that’s why I’m not a fashion designer. I never thought I would hate on a dress with pockets, but then I never thought that I would be confronted with… whatever this is:
My first thought was that this looks less like a dress and more like a graduation robe. All it needs is one of those puffy funny-shaped hats the professors wear, a sash, and we’d be set. I guess I could see why you’d purchase this, if you were supposed to walk with the Class of 2020 and had your commencement ceremony reduced to a Zoom call? With the maroon-and-gold sweatshirt draped over the model’s shoulders (why? the dress already has long sleeves), I was getting serious Hogwarts vibes.
And according to the online reviews, I was not the only person who found the vibe of this dress oddly familiar, though a few people thought it would be more fitting for a certain Hun-fighting Disney character than a member of the Ravenclaw house.
Others just picked up on the general warrior aesthetic.
One reviewer pointed out how truly versatile this dress is for the fashion-forward time traveler. Talk about an investment!
Finally, another theme that emerged amongst the reviews was how perfectly the Face Forward Dress would fit in with an authoritarian regime. (So maybe we should all stock up now?)
Yet, despite its perplexing aesthetic and hefty price tag (at $248, I wouldn’t pay that, even for the most realistic Hunger Games costume in the world), the dress is sold out in four sizes. So it seems that people are really buying this! One earnest reviewer wrote the following glowing praise:
If it really is snug in the shoulders, it may not be so useful on a battlefield after all. Buyer beware!
Okay, after Googling “Celine Dion wig”, I’m inclined to think this was a joke. Moving on.
There was only one negative review, which, if you can believe it, is even more perplexing than the fake positive ones.
Why would you leave a review for something your friend bought? Why would you buy a dress, only to turn around and try to sell it to a friend? And most of all, why would you defame the good monkey name? Those creatures had nothing to do with this.
The Lululemon x Roksanda Face Forward dress also comes in a shade called “Caliente/Rustic Coral”, that is really just red, if you want to dive all the way into the Handmaid vibes. And, even better, it’s on sale, for an affordable $179!
Much like watching any given episode of Project Runway, examining this dress has made me realize that I know absolutely nothing about fashion—but at least I’m not alone. I know that some of us have money to blow after receiving our stimulus checks, but there are way better things to spend it on than a bougie athleisure company’s answer to Hogwarts/Mulan/medieval cosplay.
In case you haven’t been keeping up with the Betches Sup Newsletter (for shame!), sh*t is going down in Hong Kong. Thousands of protestors have taken to the streets and airports, initially to protest a bill that would extradite people from Hong Kong to China. But, much like your lewk in college, the protests have evolved into something more complex as time has gone on. Now, protestors are fighting for greater democracy, for China to loosen its grip, for their leader (Carrie Lam) to step down, and for the police to stop using excessive force. V reasonable.
Unfortunately, things have gotten violent, with the Hong Kong police using tear gas, rubber bullets, and other acts of brutality. Videos across social media highlight the excessive police force and injuries its caused, with some even showing police pulling guns on protesters. Not good.
And now Mulan is involved. God, the news refuses to be anything but normal these days.
Actress Liu Yifei, who is starring in the upcoming live-action version of Mulan, made a controversial statement in solidarity with the Hong Kong police yesterday, which created a wave of backlash for her online.
Liu posted, “I support the Hong Kong police. You can all attack me now. What a shame for Hong Kong,” on Weibo, which is China’s version of Twitter. Many took her support of Hong Kong police as her tolerance of the excess force they have been using against protesters, and naturally were not happy about this. People began posting #BoycottMuan on Twitter, and it was trending in both Hong Kong and America within hours. This is peak 2019 news.
The actress was born in China but is now an American citizen, so people were quick to point out her lack of legitimacy in the argument, as she’s not someone currently enduring what the people of Hong Kong are.
Disney’s Mulan actress, Liu Yifei, supports police brutality and oppression in Hong Kong.
Liu is a naturalized American citizen. it must be nice. meanwhile she pisses on people fighting for democracy.
retweet please. HK doesn’t get enough support. #BoycottMulan @Disney pic.twitter.com/FpECIdutH2
— sean norton ? (@sdnorton) August 15, 2019
She lives in America, her family is in America, she's a citizen who enjoys all the protection and privileges of any American. That includes freedom of speech. If she wanted to, she could be a powerful voice for justice but instead, she supports this brutality #boycottMulan
— Ally (@Ally50225919) August 16, 2019
Others in China have shown support for the actress. Still, there’s a general consensus of who the villain is in this story, and unfortunately for Liu, it’s not the Hong Kong protesters.
As young betches, after we realized boys don’t really have cooties, but before we realized that they’re actually all just fuckboys who will ruin our lives, we enjoyed fantasizing about being whisked away by a certain type of bro. This group of bros provided us constant entertainment and were easy on the eyes—yes, I’m talking about the Disney princes. Every Disney movie had one, and they were all hot. Ah, the good old days. Because it’s totally normal to judge the physical attractiveness of a bunch of animated drawings, I’m here to rank the Disney princes according to their hotness level. I’m sure you’ll all have an opinion, so be sure to leave it in the comments section, which I definitely read.
10. The Prince
The Prince is the nameless prince in Snow White. He hardly speaks except for when he sings some lame-ass song about wishing for the woman he loves to come find him. Yeah, if love worked that way I’d be married with Shemar Moore’s kid by now. Talk about a delusional dater. Throughout the movie, he doesn’t do shit besides kiss Snow White and wake her up from a death-like sleep. Uhh, can you not? I was taking a nap. His presence in the movie is largely unnecessary, which is probably why they don’t even bother to give him a name. Last place.
P.S. Are you wearing fucking makeup, dude? Ultimate last place.
I’m sorry, Kristoff is not hot. What’s up with that goofy smile? And that vest? That vest is hideous. He has good hair and is like, a decent person, otherwise he’d be in last.
8. Prince Charming
Prince Charming is okay looking but he’s a fucking Nice Guy. Bruh, how low is your self-esteem that you spend all night dancing with a betch and don’t even ask her her fucking name?? Also, you definitely took the hard route finding Cinderella. You could have, like, asked a bunch of people if they knew anyone with her physical description, JUST SAYING. Also minus points for the probably foot fetish. Boy bye.
7. John Smith
YES I KNOW John Smith isn’t *technically* a prince, but he’s Pocahontas’ love interest so he fucking counts. Here’s the deal. He’s handsome, he’s got great hair, and he’s fucking British. That should be all the info you need. Except for the fact that Pocahontas wouldn’t even come with him back to England at the end of the movie, so he obviously has no game. So close, but not close enough. Seventh.
6. The Beast
He gets hot points because he’s rich, has a sick house, and is objectively attractive once you get rid of all the fur and stuff. But minus points because he’s a raging asshole—probably because he spent his entire adult life alone locked up in a fucking castle with only his kitchenware to talk to. I’d imagine that would take a toll on anybody’s personality. Regardless, that’s gonna point to some communication problems later on, I’m sure. Also he spends most of the movie as an actual beast, which certainly raises some bestiality questions to say the least.
5. Flynn Rider
Aka Eugene Fitzherbert, which incidentally is my accountant’s name. Flynn is like, a less hot and slightly more thug version of Aladdin, except he has a better pet. He’s fine, so he is precisely in the middle.
Aladdin is basically that guy with a shady past you dated for a while to scare your dad, but you’d never let him wife you. He hangs out with a literal monkey, FFS. However, Aladdin cleaned up well and showed Jasmine a whole new world, so you know he’s dynamite in bed. Solid fourth.
3. Prince Naveen
Naveen is definitely a regulation hottie. Tall, dark, and handsome with light-colored eyes? Swoon. Naveen is that confident, funny, attractive guy that every girl thinks is in love with them but really he’s just flirty with everyone. It wasn’t cute that he was content living as a frog with Tiana for a hot second, which is the only reason he’s not in first or second place. But since he got changed back into a human at the end so we’re all good here.
2. Li Shang
Shang is a hotshot army captain, and betches love a man in uniform. Plus, he’s fucking ripped underneath all that armor. Check out those abs! Shang doesn’t take shit and tbh, we need that. Even Mulan’s grandma thinks he’s sexy.
1. Prince Eric
Prince Eric is OBVIOUSLY the hottest out of all the Disney princes. The black hair/blue eyes combo sure is a winning one. And that smile, man. Is it weird to be attracted to a cartoon character? He may be kind of an asshole for almost marrying another betch like, one day after he met Ariel. Like, why were you in such a rush to settle down, Eric? Could you not just have waited it out? However, gotta give credit where credit is due. That was some solid game-playing, Eric. Major SAB move. For those reasons, but mostly because he’s fucking hot af, Eric takes the top spot.