Happy 2019, everybody! While some people might set resolutions to lose weight or stop sh*t-talking their boss on gchat, the worst people to ever come out of the great state of NJ, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Jen Harley, decided to start their new year with new assault charges. That’s right, everyone’s favorite walking felonies are having a doozy of a 2019 so far, and it feels like a roller coaster ride. But not like, a fun roller coaster. Like the roller coaster you wait on line for for 4 hours, then goes upside down more times than you expected, and instead of it being awesome you throw up on your crush next to you. (Not that that’s ever happened to me, right SIX FLAGS?!). Since it’s such a wild ride, I’m here to breakdown WTF is going on with Ronnie and Jen. But please know that by the time this article is published, they could have already gotten back together and conceived another oops baby.
Let’s begin our beautiful tale on New Year’s Eve. While I was insisting that people take pictures of me with “my date,” aka a stranger’s Westie named Toby at the all-couples party I attended, Ronnie and Jen were out finding new ways to make a nine-month-old baby learn the meaning of shame. According to E!, “they got in a huge fight and she threw something at his head.” Please make a mental note, as this will play into the story later. The article doesn’t say if their daughter Ariana Sky was present for this fight, but I can only imagine she was, because Ronnie will want a witness to testify on his behalf. Even if he has to subpoena her.
She certainly can throw things, huh?
Next, TMZ reported that Ronnie is a person of interest in an alleged burglary at Jen’s house. Apparently Jen returned home after their altercation to find that her house had been ransacked, and the flat screen TV was smashed. Oh no! How will they watch themselves verbally abuse each other on Thursday nights? Tbh I’m a little suspicious of this break-in, considering Jen called Ronnie saying she had been burglarized earlier this season on Jersey Shore. How many fake times can one person’s house be broken into before they learn to dump their toxic relationship lock their doors?!
And finally, last night, People reported that Ronnie filed a police report alleging that Jen threw an ashtray at his head. She was mad about something she saw on his phone (obviously some other girl’s nudes), lunged at him, and as he left, she threw an ashtray that busted his nose and lip. And of course, this all happened at a strip club! This location reveal doesn’t change my earlier assertion that Ariana was there, because these are the kind of people that would definitely bring their baby to a strip club. Teach ‘em early! But seriously, who would start their year off at a strip club? You have a small child! Just order Postmates and stay in with your kid! If Ronnie really didn’t want to start a fight, perhaps they should have had a family-friendly dinner at IHOP instead. At the very least they probably have less ashtrays there.
There you have it! It looks like 2019 is already looking bleak for the Ortiz-Magro-Harley clan. But hey, I’m sure 2020 will be Ronnie and Jen’s year!
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)
Well friends, we’re back for the last Are You The One of the year! I thought the finale would be last week, what with how time works and everything, but I guess MTV skipped Halloween because they know their audience and figured everyone would be blacking out while dressed as slutty nuns. So that’s how we find ourselves here today! It’s been so long since the last episode I had to reread my last recap to remember what happened. Still funny.
Let’s do a brief recap here: Men are trash, the gang sucks at this game, everybody’s a drunk, and Nutsa and Brett are headed into the truth booth. So, shall we dive right in? I’m confident they will utterly f*ck this up on the edge of my seat waiting to see what will happen!
We pick up with Brett and his peach Nutsa as they head into the truth booth. Naturally they are nervous because they’re basically the last hope with a million dollars on the line. And they’re a perfect match! Congrats you two crazy kids, you finally got something right! I’m excited for you to have one night of celebratory passion and break up a week after returning home. Enjoy it while it lasts!
The crew starts chanting “Saucy Seven!” and did we agree this was what we were calling this season? Because I was thinking more of like “Sloshed Seven,” but sure. I’m gonna be super nice and let them have this one since they’re for sure about to lose a large chunk of change.
Lol okay guys it’s morning and Cali just casually strolls up to Andrew and asks him the most awkward af question.
Cali: Are you not a sexual person?
Andrew: I love sex. I have a red room of pain. I’m a dominant. Banana.
Me thinks thou doth protest too much. OMG this is so cringey. Y’all know when a guy says they’re into 50 Shades of Grey stuff that they got that from reading the book in their mom’s basement and have never had sex, right?
The guys are sitting around talking about who their perfect matches are. Zak says, “I think it’s for sure Morgan. Or if not it’s Cali. Or maybe that piece of cardboard over there. Who can say.”
With Zak still in the room, Cam speaks for all Americans and the majority of Martians when he says that if he was a girl he would never get in a relationship with Zak because he is the worst person to ever try to date. PREACH. Can some rich billionaire just pay Cam to follow Zak around and warn off every girl for the rest of his life? I’m sure it would be a tax write off because that’s charity for all the single women in the world.
The group decides to do a speed dating sesh because after like 10 weeks of living together they don’t know anything about each other. That’s what happens when you blackout every night dummies! Drink responsibly! Oh wait, they’re drinking now. Good luck remembering this sh*t when it comes time for the last matchup ceremony.
During Bria and Cam’s speed date she says God is really important to her. And Bria is really important to God. Because he really loves sending people to hell. Bria also tells Cam that she agrees with some of Trump’s policies and he immediately gets hard. Oh boy.
They have now come up with some sort of plan that I don’t understand, and frankly neither do they. Everyone is trying to pressure Sam into picking Lewis, but she’s standing by her sweaty man.
Asia knows that Sam won’t pick Lewis during the matching ceremony so she comes up with an evil plot. She wants to start a rumor that Daniel kissed Cali, forcing a huge fight and making Sam pick Lewis at the matching ceremony. TBH I love this. Asia has been kind of a bully this season but I admire scheming as much as the next girl.
Asia starts the rumor by running to innocent little Kayla and tells her that Danny kissed Cali at the party and of course Kayla is SCANDALIZED. And now they get perfectly sweet Moe involved, who valiantly volunteers as tribute to tell Sam. Damn, Asia knows what she is doing. These two adorable dummies were the perfect marks.
Moe pulls Sam aside and tells her that about the rumor going around and suggests she pick Lewis at the matchup ceremony. So wait, did he actually know about the evil plan? Because that wasn’t subtle.
And it’s already time for the matchup ceremony! But there’s still like 30 minutes left? Dear God how long will they make us wait between beams? The dudes show up looking dapper af. Kidding, they’re in ripped skinny jeans. I would like to say that the girls make up for it but Sam’s in a Victoria’s Secret bargain bucket bra, soooooooooo.
Papa T comes out and can barely contain his joy as he announces that this is the final matchup ceremony. Soon he can check out of the Motel 6 that MTV put him up in and return home to his quiet existence not dealing with this nonsense.
Papa T reminds us we already have the three “perfect” matches, Maria & Shamoy, Tevin & Kenya, and now Brett & Nutsa. And now it’s time to f*ck up eternally! Let’s do this.
Cali picks Andrew. Okurrrrrr.
Kayla picks Moe. I hope these two innocent sweethearts make it. I really do.
Morgan picks Zak. Papa T can’t help himself and asks our resident philanderer if he feels bad about what he put Morgan through. He says he does. Lol, K.
Sam gets called up. She says her heart is leading her to Daniel and his overactive sweat glands, but strategy is leading her to Lewis and his occasionally funny jokes. Even though she basically says the heart wants what it wants, she ends up picking Lewis. I guess the heart really wants MONEY.
Jasmine picks Daniel. She describes him as sweet and says he loves taking care of others, and she didn’t once mention how much he sweats so consider me a believer.
Lauren chooses Kwasi. She says she is (B)ad (B)ossy and (C)lassy so since she’s BBC she needs a dude with a BBC. I wish I were dead. Kenya’s face rn is all of us.
Kwasi likes Lauren because his mom is a teacher and so is she. I’M SORRY. A girl that just said she likes BBC on TV is teaching the youth of America. WE ARE DOOMED. This is even worse than when I see my teacher friends make grammatical errors on Facebook.
Asia picks Tomas.
Bria and Cam are the last two. Tevin appears v concerned and is whispering feverishly to Kenya. Dude. Same.
Papa T: Tevin and Kenya what do you think?
Tevin & Kenya:
And now it is time for the beams!! Prepare yourselves for 15 minutes of waiting for flood lights to turn on! God this is so stressful, my tummy hurts. The crew screams for the first beam like they just won the World Series for the first time in 108 years. You guys have no chill. Then they get five beams for the first time all season! I forgot how bad at this they were. Six beams! Seven beams! Papa T thinks they are all getting too excited. He uses his best monotone to convey that this don’t impress him much. Eight beams! Nine beams! Brett is so nervous he has Nutsa in a headlock. I have lived ten million lives since the ninth beam. Time is meaningless. Time is Jeremy Bearimy. What is HAPPENING. Ten beams! Eleven beams!
WHAT. This was definitely rigged but fine. Have your celebration with your confetti and your alcohol and your unprotected sex. I will be conducting a FULL investigation.
Lewis is as surprised as I am. YEAH LEWIS THAT’S BECAUSE BRIA THREATENED THE PRODUCERS.
Papa T is so proud of them, he’s not evicting them from the house immediately after the ceremony, which is what usually happens. He’s giving them one final night to “turn up” and “connect with their perfect match.” Oh they’ll be connecting all right, Terry.
They head back to the house and I am #blessed that I get to recap one final sh*tshow.
Daniel and Samantha waste no time and immediately bring their love into the confessional for us all to see, Cali and Andrew take their decidedly NOT 50 Shades-esque love making to the floor mattresses, and Maria finally breaks free of her perfect match prison to flirt with Kwasi on the ping pong table.
Later in the night, Lewis comes into the confessional to tell us all that he and Asia “enjoyed each other’s company.” They just “had a pillow fight.” LOL sure. Why does everyone on this show use euphemisms? We know you had sex. Roll the tape!
We make it to the morning and Zak and Morgan are having a tense conversation. Zak says that having Morgan be his perfect match makes him look like an ass. No sweetie, you make you look like an ass. He apologizes and says he ruined it. Don’t pretend you’re sorry Zak, we all know you’re just trying to get laid one last time before you leave.
Nutsa saying goodbye to her friends: “I love you and remember don’t say one more mean thing about yourself or I will come into your dreams and haunt you.”
Oh Nutsa. I’ll miss you most of all.
And that’s all, friends! I hope you all loved this season as much as I did! (what, did I seem like I didn’t or something?). I hope our gang enjoys their money, and that they remember the taxes are a b*tch!
Images: MTV (2); Giphy (4)
Hello, friends! Welcome back. You know what time it is! Time for me to spend hours finding creative ways to say “and then they got black out and hooked up.” Let’s see what I come up with this week, shall we?!
We immediately return to the truth booth, scanning Tevin and Kenya for STD’s to see if they’re a match. And they’re a perfect match! The crowd goes wild! Kenya climbs Tevin like a tree! The heavens sob and say “we didn’t mean for this to happen.” True love is dead.
Okay serious question though. Kenya went on this show because she is bad at finding love, right? She needed matchmakers to help her find her perfect man. And the man they picked out for her…looks exactly like her ex-boyfriend? How does this make sense?
In honor of their second perfect match of the season, the gang decides to party. Kayla declares that “love is in the air! It’s everywhere!” No, honey. I think that’s someone’s bodily fluids.
All the girls are asking Kenya the secret to love, as she is now an all-knowing love guru who definitely didn’t suck someone else’s d*ck while dating her perfect match. Kenya tells Sam the key is to “be vulnerable” and Sam is skeptical. Remain skeptical, Sam. Do not trust Kenya. She is a fugly slut.
The next morning, Kwasi sets up a picnic for Jasmine to show her how much he wants to bang her cares about her. And by sets up a picnic, I mean throws some producer-paid-for champagne in a basket to loosen Jasmine up. Kwasi asks her “so, will you be my girlfriend?” which was mildly cute but follows that up by saying he “still has the beast in him” and I’d like to nope right out of this conversation.
In the kitchen, Sam is making food for Daniel. I’m sorry, but is she cooking frozen french fries in a skillet? Is that a thing? I wouldn’t know because I haven’t touched a pan since Seamless was invented years ago, but it still feels wrong. Chefs, hit me up in the comments pls.
Now it’s time for the matchup ceremony. Papa T and his bird shirt welcome us and remind us that they are here to find love and sell their souls to the reality TV devil to win one million dollars. It’s the ladies’ week to pick.
- Asia picks Daniel. She knows he doesn’t want pan-fried french fries for the rest of his life. His sweaty ass deserves oven baked. Sam is obviously not pleased.
- Lauren picks Cam
- Bria grabs Lewis by the balls—excuse me, I mean picks Lewis
- Sam picks Andrew
- Kayla picks Moe
- Cali picks Zak. Zak uses this time to apologize to Morgan for his behavior and its like different day, same sh*t. SIT. DOWN.
- Morgan picks Tomas
- Nutsa, looking like the adorable Minnie Mouse that she is, picks Brett. Brett, looking like the douchebag he’s proven himself to be, says he thinks Nutsa likes him more than he likes her. SIT. DOWN.
- Jasmine picks Kwasi.
And the gang gets four beams! The two perfect matches that they already know, and two new matches. They all hang their heads in shame. Papa Terry is upset, and he reminds them they only have 2 more weeks to get it right. Papa T won’t yell at them, though, he will just stand solemnly by and let Maria ream them out. Things sure must look easy from that honeymoon suite at the motel six, huh Maria? After that light verbal abuse, Papa T sends them back to the house to do work.
The entire gang wants to strategize when they get back, in hopes of salvaging what is left of this sinking season.
Cali during this whole interaction:
After some drinks, Morgan decides that even though Zak has treated her like the dirt stuck to the gum stuck to his shoe, she wants to have sex with him because she’s horny. Jasmine lectures Morgan about self-respect while lounging in her Spanx catsuit, which is lightly accentuating the lines of her labia. In this same conversation, Jasmine also reveals that she uses her vibrator every night before she goes to bed. Exsqueeze me? This is NOT an environment conducive to vibrators! They’re all on mattresses on the ground up against one another. Why do I have a feeling that poor sweet Moe is the one that has to listen to her moaning “Oh, Tevin” every night?
And then Morgan goes and bangs Zak in the boom boom room. I swear, Zak is the luckiest man alive.
In the morning, everyone finds out and they’re all pissed and claim Zak’s ruining the game. Asia is also pissed at Morgan and is screaming at her for banging someone who she thinks isn’t her match. Alright Asia, can you stop bullying people for like A SEC and maybe find your own match? Mind. Your. Business.
Papa T shows up and reminds them about the fate button with a giggle. At this point in the season even he can’t say it with a straight face, and he spent many years training at Juilliard for this very moment. That’s how dumb it is. Fate picks Jasmine, Samantha, Cam, and Tomas to go on the group date.
Tomas is already a negative Nancy, convinced neither of these girls are his match. What lucky ladies to be on a date with this charmer!
Sam and Cam get to talking and they realize they could be each other’s match. And I hope they are, because there’s nothing I love more than a rhyming couple. Just ask my best friend Devon and her husband Kevin. It’s precious.
Now Cam is talking to Jasmine, and I actually think these ladies are lucky to be on this date because they got Cam. So you can go shave your back now, Tomas.
They all get back together in the house and Papa T wants to hear about the dates. Cam admits that he and Jasmine did kiss and now the Kwasi beast is roaring. Papa Terry doesn’t care because he’s just so happy people are opening their hearts!
The group voted Sam and Cam into the truth booth. Every time I type this I want to write trooth booth so my apologies for any typos you’ve noticed over the course of this season. Sam and Cam head on into the booth and they want to see perfect match because duh, MONEY. They know no love they find with a fellow trash bag on MTV will ever be worth more than the couple grand in their pocket if they win.
And they’re not a match! Truth Booth: 1, Rhyming Couples: 0. Everyone is ready to black out again!
Lewis: “Aren’t y’all sick of drinking?”
After the truth booth, Jasmine apologizes for hurting Kwasi’s feelings, but she does not apologize for playing the game. She starts crying and says she didn’t want to put “all her pebbles in the same f*cking thing,” which is DEFINITELY the correct phrase. Kwasi can not forgive her because he has a myriad of issues, especially ANGER. He leaves Jasmine there crying, and Nutsa, the brightest light in a lacy bralette, comes to give her a hug and cheer her up.
Kwasi ends the night screaming and losing his sh*t, sobbing outside into the lap of a producer wearing bunny ears (?). Guys, did I just accidentally take shrooms or is this something that actually happened? I guess we’ll find out next week!
Images: Giphy (3)