‘Are You The One?’ Reunion Recap: Zak is Canceled

Well, fellow hostages, it seems my gleeful goodbyes last week were premature. There is a reunion. OF COURSE THERE’S A REUNION. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that we would need to hear about what happened immediately after watching what happened. So instead of binge watching the last three episodes of Bodyguard tonight, I will sit here and watch perfect matches systematically rip each other to bits by using their biggest insecurities against them. Oh wait. Now that I put it that way, this sounds like a blast. Shall we dive right in?

Papa T welcomes us to the reunion with clips from the season WE JUST WATCHED. Oh Papa T, you don’t need to remind me how terrifying Bria was. I see her vacant stare in my nightmares. Apparently this reunion was held in New York, and now I am fuming since I didn’t get an invite. What’s a girl gotta do to get a ticket to something around here? Not talk sh*t about the show and everyone who worked on it for 12 weeks in a row or something? As if!  

As the perfect matches walk in, I make a few observations. Morgan invested in a new weave with her prize money and girl it was money WELL SPENT. And it appears all of our contestants time traveled back to 2001, got their outfits at Wet Seal, and were told the aesthetic was “trying to get laid at your junior prom after-party.”

Right off the bat, Terry asks Maria and Shamoy how their time in the honeymoon suite was. Nutsa swoops in to tell everyone that right after they got to the honeymoon suite, Shamoy told Maria he had a girlfriend back home. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Who vets these people, MTV? Lol sorry, my mistake. I didn’t mean to assume you put any effort into this casting at all.

Papa T to Shamoy:

Terry then moves on to the “taking questions from social media” portion of the evening. Sure. Why prepare for your job when you can rely on the questions strangers came up with on the toilet?

The cast is asked who the most surprising match was (Asia and Tomas), which then leads Daniel to say that Sam was too possessive of him over the season and he would have liked to talk to more girls. As if he wasn’t willing to let her suck his d*ck all season. Sure, Jan.

And that’s it for that portion of the reunion. I guess they could only find one intelligible question from Twitter for this whole segment, which actually sounds about right.

We return from the commercial break and Terry has Brett, Nutsa, Cali, Andrew, and Tomas on the couch with him. Delightful.

Tomas and Cali announce that they’re dating now. Poor Andrew, lost his perfect match and he looks like a total nerd tonight. I preferred him with the sunburn.

Terry sets his sights on Nutsa and Brett, and before she can get a word out he’s contradicting her. Terry has immediately lost control of the room. And then Zak starts to attack Nutsa on Brett’s behalf and winks at Brett like he’s doing him a favor. Dude, nooooo. Literally no one wants your help. Satan would turn you down. Nutsa threatens to personally sh*t on Zak and once again I thank her for her service.

Now the whole cast is saying that Nutsa is mean for going on social media and making fun of Morgan’s wig. Oh, whoops. Y’all aren’t going to like this recap I don’t think.

I’m glad to see everyone is drinking out of Solo cups during the commercial break. I feel like MTV thinks these people are like cars, and they won’t perform unless you fill them up with $20 of regular unleaded Malibu rum. Which is probably not far from the truth.

Tevin, Kenya, and Jasmine have now made their way to the hot seat. Kenya made a flattering color change to her hair, but I’m not into whatever is going on on Tevin’s head.

Kenya and Jasmine go at it a little, but admit they’re cool now. Apparently they even drunkenly made out.

Terry:

You guys, Tevin is smizing so hard into this camera right now he’s giving Tyra a run for her money. He might as well be holding up a sign that says, “Agents! Available for bookings! Will do nudes! Call me at 555-555-5555.”

And there sure is a scandal here. When Terry asks why Kenya and Tevin are not together, Jasmine shouts “DIANDRA.” You all might remember her from last season. God this cast is as incestuous as a CW show, they are all sleeping together and then one day someone will give birth to twin babies that fly.

A refresher:

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This is Diandra. (Also, you’re welcome for finding this, Diandra decided to make her Insta private this morning just to piss me off). Perhaps you should picture her with whipped cream in her mouth though, because apparently Tevin “ate some out of her mouth.” Dude, just spray it right from the can like the rest of us and then maybe your girlfriend won’t cut off your balls. Just a suggestion!!

Okay, Papa T actually has some even more inspiring advice for Jasmine than Nutsa had all season. He makes her repeat to the camera that she is “dope as f*ck” which is so dorky and only convinces me more that Papa T will be a very caring father with a ridiculous wardrobe and stupid job.

Now on the couch we have Samantha and Daniel, and it appears that even Sam’s disturbing obsession with Daniel’s sweat glands couldn’t keep them together.

We start off hot when Sam says Daniel wasn’t good at sex. He says she was spiteful and she asks him how she is spiteful. I would like to point to the part of this reunion where he said they weren’t good together so she said he wasn’t good at sex. THAT’S SPITE, SAMMY.

Apparently Sam is back with her douchey ex who I can’t remember that much about but like I think he was really blonde? The only reason that sticks out to me is because I find grown men with naturally very blonde hair to be unsettling. It’s a personal problem, I know.

Terry then turns to Asia and Lewis and asks if she feels bad that she made up a rumor about Daniel to get Sam to not pick him at the match up.

Asia:

Literally everyone applauds her. I put down my cheese plate to do the same.  

Now they’re taking questions from the audience. God, TERRENCE. You really just rolled out of bed and came to do this show, didn’t you? How would YOU feel if instead of writing this recap I just copied and pasted tweets about the reunion into WordPress? Hold up—can I do that? Editor?

Apparently I cannot. Anyways. Crystal from Long Island, that lucky b*tch that did get a ticket to the reunion, asks Asia how Lewis’ rejection affected her confidence and her ability to move on. Asia was like “I knew he wasn’t my match.” I am impressed by how well she handled this because if someone said that to me I would turn my apartment into a dark cave of sadness, never leaving my bed again except to tell the Seamless delivery man that he can just leave my food outside the door.

Now on the hot seat we have Cam, Kayla, Moe, Kwasi, and Lauren. We are shown clips of the whole Cam/Kayla saga in case anyone sustained brain damage between this week and last week. Terry asks them their relationship status, like he is a 14-year-old girl filling out her first Facebook profile. They are not in a relationship but are still two perfectly lovely people, one definitely on uppers, and one a future president of his frat.

Papa T tells Moe that even though everyone on his season of the show thought he was a disgusting troll, ladies on the internet were really into him. Hey! Are you talking about me, T? Moe says thank you and I also notice that he got a haircut and looks fine. HOW’S THAT FOR INTERNET FANS?!

Okay so now they are getting into the Kwasi/Cam fight. Apparently Cam got mad because Kwasi used the word “bag” but it was just a misunderstanding because in West Virginia it apparently means “to get to know,” but in Jersey it means “to have intercourse.” Look I’m from Jersey too and I have never once used the word “bag”. Should I have been doing that all along? TBH though everything I say is intended to mean “to have intercourse,” so why not throw another word into my lexicon?

Papa T moves the convo over to Lauren, who apparently is also back with her ex. But seriously, can I hire a research company or something to crunch some numbers for me? How many people get back with their ex after being on Are You The One? And how many hook up with a cast member from another season? How many end up on another MTV reality show? And how many spend their money responsibly? Spoiler alert: That last answer is zero.

Oh no. We’ve returned and it’s time to talk about Zak. Could we just spare ourselves the horror and go to the gynecologist or something else more pleasant?

Bria, Morgan, and Zak are on the couch and Papa T delicately asks Bria if she thinks she overreacted at all during the season. Then he motions for security to come stand in front of him. She blames her behavior on caring too much. Mmmkay. I think there’s a line between “caring too much,” and “intricately plotting someone else’s death” that got crossed this season, but maybe that’s just me.

Morgan says that Zak treated her terribly but at least he’s self-aware. LOL. I wonder if she thinks self-aware means sanctimonious prick? I hope she spent some of her winnings on a dictionary.

YOU GUYS. Listen to this! After the show, Zak sent Nutsa a one-way ticket to Texas, told her to quit her job, and convinced her to move in with him. AND SHE DID. NUTSA! I had so much faith in you! And guess what, he f*cked her over! I’ve never been less shocked about something in my life.

Then Papa T asked Zak if he hooked up with women from other seasons, because he’s a kind, kind man who wants me to have as much material as possible with which to mock the preeminent man-whore of our time. WHAT! You guys!! He hooked up with Geles from last season, and with Nilsa! One of my girls from Floribama Shore! NILSA! What about Gus? Gus is a diamond in the rough and Zak is an empty Doritos bag on the hot concrete. You foolish, foolish girl.

And Zak hooked up with Shanley from Season 1! How much time was in between their season and this reunion? Because I don’t think I’ve hooked up with this many people in like years, let alone in a few weeks’ time. And turns out he did the same thing to Shanley that he did to Nutsa! Exsqueeze me? Did Zak just spend all his winnings on flying girls out to Texas and then ripping their hearts out with his bare hands?

Okay so Shanley shows up and tells us that it’s over with Zak but says she wants to give us some context as to why she is there. Oh god. I’m scared. PLEASE DO NOT LET THE SPAWN OF ZAK BE IN HER WOMB.

Holy sh*t, she says Zak threatened to leak revenge porn of her. But he says he didn’t actually record anything he just told her that “as a threat” to scare her.

Me RN:

Okay Sam and Bria are kind of defending him right now and I have to put a stop to this right here. To the very small number of ladies reading this right now, NO. Do not defend a dude who threatened to release revenge porn of another woman! Who cares that he didn’t actually have it! (Which I don’t believe anyways.) I honestly can’t even think of something mean enough to say about Zak. He’s not even worth the time it would take for me to come up with a creative way to say he’s worse than the trash floating in the suspicious puddle I saw on a seat on the subway this morning. F*ck you Zak. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Nutsa calls Zak a sociopath and I am with her. I compared him to Ted Bundy last week and I stand by that and I think Nutsa would agree.

Now Terry gives Zak the chance to talk because we’re all just DYING to hear this manipulative prick explain why HE was wronged by the girl he threatened to release revenge porn of. Papa T asks Zak if he will ever change.

(Joey, I’m sorry I compared you to this loser but I couldn’t find a gif of the devil shrugging.)

On the commercial break, Zak is gleeful about how sh*tty he is. Seriously MTV, if I see him on a show again I will at the very least send your office multiple glitter bombs. Try cleaning that up, assholes.

We have finally made it to the conclusion, let me briefly summarize what is said:

And that’s all folks! This was all fun and games until someone threatened to release revenge porn, huh? I hope you all enjoyed the drama as much as I did, and as Terrence J says, we’re all going to die alone never give up on love!

Images: MTV; Giphy (5); @anthonymartin9 / Instagram

‘Are You The One?’ Finale Recap: Saucy Seven Comes To An End

Well friends, we’re back for the last Are You The One of the year! I thought the finale would be last week, what with how time works and everything, but I guess MTV skipped Halloween because they know their audience and figured everyone would be blacking out while dressed as slutty nuns. So that’s how we find ourselves here today! It’s been so long since the last episode I had to reread my last recap to remember what happened. Still funny.

Let’s do a brief recap here: Men are trash, the gang sucks at this game, everybody’s a drunk, and Nutsa and Brett are headed into the truth booth. So, shall we dive right in? I’m confident they will utterly f*ck this up on the edge of my seat waiting to see what will happen!

We pick up with Brett and his peach Nutsa as they head into the truth booth. Naturally they are nervous because they’re basically the last hope with a million dollars on the line. And they’re a perfect match! Congrats you two crazy kids, you finally got something right! I’m excited for you to have one night of celebratory passion and break up a week after returning home. Enjoy it while it lasts!

The crew starts chanting “Saucy Seven!” and did we agree this was what we were calling this season? Because I was thinking more of like “Sloshed Seven,” but sure. I’m gonna be super nice and let them have this one since they’re for sure about to lose a large chunk of change.

Lol okay guys it’s morning and Cali just casually strolls up to Andrew and asks him the most awkward af question.

Cali: Are you not a sexual person?

Andrew: I love sex. I have a red room of pain. I’m a dominant. Banana.

Me thinks thou doth protest too much. OMG this is so cringey. Y’all know when a guy says they’re into 50 Shades of Grey stuff that they got that from reading the book in their mom’s basement and have never had sex, right?

The guys are sitting around talking about who their perfect matches are. Zak says, “I think it’s for sure Morgan. Or if not it’s Cali. Or maybe that piece of cardboard over there. Who can say.”

With Zak still in the room, Cam speaks for all Americans and the majority of Martians when he says that if he was a girl he would never get in a relationship with Zak because he is the worst person to ever try to date. PREACH. Can some rich billionaire just pay Cam to follow Zak around and warn off every girl for the rest of his life? I’m sure it would be a tax write off because that’s charity for all the single women in the world.

The group decides to do a speed dating sesh because after like 10 weeks of living together they don’t know anything about each other. That’s what happens when you blackout every night dummies! Drink responsibly! Oh wait, they’re drinking now. Good luck remembering this sh*t when it comes time for the last matchup ceremony.

During Bria and Cam’s speed date she says God is really important to her. And Bria is really important to God. Because he really loves sending people to hell. Bria also tells Cam that she agrees with some of Trump’s policies and he immediately gets hard. Oh boy.

They have now come up with some sort of plan that I don’t understand, and frankly neither do they. Everyone is trying to pressure Sam into picking Lewis, but she’s standing by her sweaty man.

Asia knows that Sam won’t pick Lewis during the matching ceremony so she comes up with an evil plot. She wants to start a rumor that Daniel kissed Cali, forcing a huge fight and making Sam pick Lewis at the matching ceremony. TBH I love this. Asia has been kind of a bully this season but I admire scheming as much as the next girl.

Asia starts the rumor by running to innocent little Kayla and tells her that Danny kissed Cali at the party and of course Kayla is SCANDALIZED. And now they get perfectly sweet Moe involved, who valiantly volunteers as tribute to tell Sam. Damn, Asia knows what she is doing. These two adorable dummies were the perfect marks.

Moe pulls Sam aside and tells her that about the rumor going around and suggests she pick Lewis at the matchup ceremony. So wait, did he actually know about the evil plan? Because that wasn’t subtle.

And it’s already time for the matchup ceremony! But there’s still like 30 minutes left? Dear God how long will they make us wait between beams? The dudes show up looking dapper af. Kidding, they’re in ripped skinny jeans. I would like to say that the girls make up for it but Sam’s in a Victoria’s Secret bargain bucket bra, soooooooooo.

Papa T comes out and can barely contain his joy as he announces that this is the final matchup ceremony. Soon he can check out of the Motel 6 that MTV put him up in and return home to his quiet existence not dealing with this nonsense.

Papa T reminds us we already have the three “perfect” matches, Maria & Shamoy, Tevin & Kenya, and now Brett & Nutsa. And now it’s time to f*ck up eternally! Let’s do this.

Cali picks Andrew. Okurrrrrr.

Kayla picks Moe. I hope these two innocent sweethearts make it. I really do.

Morgan picks Zak. Papa T can’t help himself and asks our resident philanderer if he feels bad about what he put Morgan through. He says he does. Lol, K.

Sam gets called up. She says her heart is leading her to Daniel and his overactive sweat glands, but strategy is leading her to Lewis and his occasionally funny jokes. Even though she basically says the heart wants what it wants, she ends up picking Lewis. I guess the heart really wants MONEY.

Jasmine picks Daniel. She describes him as sweet and says he loves taking care of others, and she didn’t once mention how much he sweats so consider me a believer.

Lauren chooses Kwasi. She says she is (B)ad (B)ossy and (C)lassy so since she’s BBC she needs a dude with a BBC. I wish I were dead. Kenya’s face rn is all of us.

Kwasi likes Lauren because his mom is a teacher and so is she. I’M SORRY. A girl that just said she likes BBC on TV is teaching the youth of America. WE ARE DOOMED. This is even worse than when I see my teacher friends make grammatical errors on Facebook.

Asia picks Tomas.

Bria and Cam are the last two. Tevin appears v concerned and is whispering feverishly to Kenya. Dude. Same.

Papa T: Tevin and Kenya what do you think?

Tevin & Kenya: 

And now it is time for the beams!! Prepare yourselves for 15 minutes of waiting for flood lights to turn on! God this is so stressful, my tummy hurts. The crew screams for the first beam like they just won the World Series for the first time in 108 years. You guys have no chill. Then they get five beams for the first time all season! I forgot how bad at this they were. Six beams! Seven beams! Papa T thinks they are all getting too excited. He uses his best monotone to convey that this don’t impress him much. Eight beams! Nine beams! Brett is so nervous he has Nutsa in a headlock. I have lived ten million lives since the ninth beam. Time is meaningless. Time is Jeremy Bearimy. What is HAPPENING. Ten beams! Eleven beams!

WHAT. This was definitely rigged but fine. Have your celebration with your confetti and your alcohol and your unprotected sex. I will be conducting a FULL investigation.

Lewis is as surprised as I am. YEAH LEWIS THAT’S BECAUSE BRIA THREATENED THE PRODUCERS.

Papa T is so proud of them, he’s not evicting them from the house immediately after the ceremony, which is what usually happens. He’s giving them one final night to “turn up” and “connect with their perfect match.” Oh they’ll be connecting all right, Terry.

They head back to the house and I am #blessed that I get to recap one final sh*tshow.

Daniel and Samantha waste no time and immediately bring their love into the confessional for us all to see, Cali and Andrew take their decidedly NOT 50 Shades-esque love making to the floor mattresses, and Maria finally breaks free of her perfect match prison to flirt with Kwasi on the ping pong table.

Later in the night, Lewis comes into the confessional to tell us all that he and Asia “enjoyed each other’s company.” They just “had a pillow fight.” LOL sure. Why does everyone on this show use euphemisms? We know you had sex. Roll the tape!

We make it to the morning and Zak and Morgan are having a tense conversation. Zak says that having Morgan be his perfect match makes him look like an ass. No sweetie, you make you look like an ass. He apologizes and says he ruined it. Don’t pretend you’re sorry Zak, we all know you’re just trying to get laid one last time before you leave.

Nutsa saying goodbye to her friends: “I love you and remember don’t say one more mean thing about yourself or I will come into your dreams and haunt you.”

Oh Nutsa. I’ll miss you most of all.

And that’s all, friends! I hope you all loved this season as much as I did! (what, did I seem like I didn’t or something?). I hope our gang enjoys their money, and that they remember the taxes are a b*tch!

Images: MTV (2); Giphy (4)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Some People Just Don’t Like Peaches

Hello and welcome back to the few of you that have stuck around this long! Since it’s the penultimate episode (I pray), here’s a quick refresher of what’s happened so far this season in case you’ve been blacking out during the episodes: two couples have found their perfect match, Bria has put a curse on any girl who thought about Zak, Zak continues to bang anything in front of him, no one else knows what they’re doing, and I had a better chance at winning Mega Millions than they do of figuring this out in two weeks. Oh yeah, and last week we ended with Kwasi having a meltdown in the lap of a producer/bunny rabbit. Let’s begin!

It seems Kwasi survived, because we open on the morning, everyone tucked into their floor mattresses snug as a bug in a rug. Bria says that Jasmine kissing Cam “set Kwasi back a few steps.” By that does she mean he became a violent psychopath over one minor indiscretion? Because then I’d have to agree. Meanwhile, Kwasi has decided he’s done with Jasmine, and that Nutsa is really his match. While I don’t blame him for being into Nutsa, God’s gift to Are You The One, does he really think that after last night’s absolute emotional and physical meltdown she’s gonna be into it?

Outside, Andrew has pulled Cali aside because he’s actually trying hard to make new connections, but is still not trying hard enough with his sunscreen application. They seem to like each other fine, but I guess we’ll really know how much Cali likes him if she grinds on him at the next luau.

Then Brett pulls Bria aside, I guess because he’s always wondered what it would be like to have his liver cut out with the sharpened end of a toothbrush. Our poor, precious Nutsa is watching from afar, wondering what she did wrong. Nothing, Nutsa! You are perfect just as you are!

Inside, Daniel tells Sam he doesn’t think they are a perfect match because he has exes just like her. I’m sorry Daniel, but did you not see that Kenya’s perfect match and her ex were actually identical twins separated as babies, sent to live with different parents, only to discover each other’s existence years later at summer camp? So I don’t think you can rule anyone out just because they’re like your ex. MTV is not working that hard, bro.

Brett tells Nutsa he’s going to sit with Bria at the match up ceremony “not because she’s ahead,” but to switch it up.

It’s time for the match-up ceremony, so the boys have pulled out their best skinny jeans and they’re ready to start picking.

It’s at this point that Maria, who has not been in the house since like WEEK 2, decides to call out the random couples. Um hi, but do you even know what’s going on in the house? Aren’t you busy plotting ways to get away from Shamoy by now? And then OF COURSE, Zak takes it upon himself to call out the “double standard” that he claims makes him out to be a villain, but when Jasmine kisses someone else on a date she’s just “playing the game.” Well first of all, how dare you. Second of all, you did that like 80 times this season Zak so it’s just a weeee bit different. And third of all, Ted Bundy also claimed he was unfairly accused and we all know how that ended. Look, I’m not saying Zak reminds me of one of the most prolific serial killers of all time, but I’m not not saying that, ya know?

AND THEN Zak says, “Kwasi just thinks Nutsa’s the better version of Jasmine.” Because he hasn’t made enough girls in this house cry yet. You’ve got one more week Zak, can you collect them all?!

It’s at this point Papa T and his floral shirt tells the gang he is disappointed in everyone beefing with each other, but after seeing their faces fall, he reminds them that they can still win! All they need is a little encouragement and to cheat as much as humanly possible. (Okay that last part was me).

It’s time for the beams. Let’s see if these dummies can light it up! Lol and they can light it up but only dimly, because once again they only get four beams. When they don’t win this million dollars, can MTV throw me some of their leftover cash? I think I deserve it for watching this entire dumpster fire of a season.

Back at the house, people are not pleased.

Kwasi and Andrew rn:

Yes, that’s the way to find your perfect match. Terrify everyone so much that they don’t want to be near you.

After the rage portion of the evening has passed, our gang gets in a kumbaya circle and starts talking about everything that’s wrong with them. Hi guys! I’ve been doing that for you all season! Y’all should’ve learned to read and then I could have really saved you a lot of trouble.

Okay actually this circle is a little bit sad, and I don’t appreciate MTV serving me this realness rn. It’s not as fun to mock someone when you know they were abused as a child. THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR ME, PRODUCERS. Brb, I’m about to go do some emotional eating about other people’s problems. Who knew I was so empathetic?

Papa T shows up overjoyed that he’s almost made it to the end of his time introducing a big red button to a group of 20-something alcoholics. It’s time to figure out who’s going on the dates. This week, fate has decided to send Moe, Brett, Nutsa, and Lauren on a date so magically Hawaiian, it will be a real authentic experience they could have nowhere else.

Oh wait, they’re going jet skiing. I’m concerned for Nutsa’s safety, and rightfully so since she injures herself almost immediately. Like the f*ckboy gentleman he is, Brett gives her a ride on his jet ski. Not a euphemism.

During the hangout portion of the date, Brett promises Nutsa that he’s not going to hold back anymore. So now I’m obviously convinced they’re not a match. Anyone wanna bet?

Back at the house, the crew reconvenes to find out who is going in the truth booth. Papa T tells them “time is officially beginning to run out,” which is also what my OBGYN says to me everytime I visit her and it leaves me totally not stressed at all. Not even a little bit panicked. Completely fine. So I’m sure our gang feels the same.

And the crew has voted Brett and Nutsa into the truth booth! Jasmine says if they’re not a match it will really make her lose faith in that million dollars. Oh honey, you should have lost faith in that money the second Zak walked in the door, swinging his d*ck at anything that was remotely human-shaped. That’s on you.

And once again, we’re left on a cliff hanger! It’s like MTV is DARING ME to burn down their headquarters in a white rage. Next week is it you guys, so we’ll find out if Brett and Nutsa are a match, and if the whole damn crew can manage to come up with their perfect matches with money on the line. Or maybe we’ll get lucky and the hellmouth will finally swallow them up. See you all next week!

Images: MTV; Giphy (2)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: No One Has Any Idea What They’re Doing

Hello, friends! Welcome back. You know what time it is! Time for me to spend hours finding creative ways to say “and then they got black out and hooked up.” Let’s see what I come up with this week, shall we?!

We immediately return to the truth booth, scanning Tevin and Kenya for STD’s to see if they’re a match. And they’re a perfect match! The crowd goes wild! Kenya climbs Tevin like a tree! The heavens sob and say “we didn’t mean for this to happen.” True love is dead.

Okay serious question though. Kenya went on this show because she is bad at finding love, right? She needed matchmakers to help her find her perfect man. And the man they picked out for her…looks exactly like her ex-boyfriend? How does this make sense?

In honor of their second perfect match of the season, the gang decides to party. Kayla declares that “love is in the air! It’s everywhere!” No, honey. I think that’s someone’s bodily fluids.

All the girls are asking Kenya the secret to love, as she is now an all-knowing love guru who definitely didn’t suck someone else’s d*ck while dating her perfect match. Kenya tells Sam the key is to “be vulnerable” and Sam is skeptical. Remain skeptical, Sam. Do not trust Kenya. She is a fugly slut.

The next morning, Kwasi sets up a picnic for Jasmine to show her how much he wants to bang her cares about her. And by sets up a picnic, I mean throws some producer-paid-for champagne in a basket to loosen Jasmine up. Kwasi asks her “so, will you be my girlfriend?” which was mildly cute but follows that up by saying he “still has the beast in him” and I’d like to nope right out of this conversation.

In the kitchen, Sam is making food for Daniel. I’m sorry, but is she cooking frozen french fries in a skillet? Is that a thing? I wouldn’t know because I haven’t touched a pan since Seamless was invented years ago, but it still feels wrong. Chefs, hit me up in the comments pls.

Now it’s time for the matchup ceremony. Papa T and his bird shirt welcome us and remind us that they are here to find love and sell their souls to the reality TV devil to win one million dollars. It’s the ladies’ week to pick.

And the gang gets four beams! The two perfect matches that they already know, and two new matches. They all hang their heads in shame. Papa Terry is upset, and he reminds them they only have 2 more weeks to get it right. Papa T won’t yell at them, though, he will just stand solemnly by and let Maria ream them out. Things sure must look easy from that honeymoon suite at the motel six, huh Maria? After that light verbal abuse, Papa T sends them back to the house to do work.

The entire gang wants to strategize when they get back, in hopes of salvaging what is left of this sinking season.

Cali during this whole interaction:

After some drinks, Morgan decides that even though Zak has treated her like the dirt stuck to the gum stuck to his shoe, she wants to have sex with him because she’s horny. Jasmine lectures Morgan about self-respect while lounging in her Spanx catsuit, which is lightly accentuating the lines of her labia. In this same conversation, Jasmine also reveals that she uses her vibrator every night before she goes to bed. Exsqueeze me? This is NOT an environment conducive to vibrators! They’re all on mattresses on the ground up against one another. Why do I have a feeling that poor sweet Moe is the one that has to listen to her moaning “Oh, Tevin” every night?

And then Morgan goes and bangs Zak in the boom boom room. I swear, Zak is the luckiest man alive.

In the morning, everyone finds out and they’re all pissed and claim Zak’s ruining the game. Asia is also pissed at Morgan and is screaming at her for banging someone who she thinks isn’t her match. Alright Asia, can you stop bullying people for like A SEC and maybe find your own match? Mind. Your. Business.

Papa T shows up and reminds them about the fate button with a giggle. At this point in the season even he can’t say it with a straight face, and he spent many years training at Juilliard for this very moment. That’s how dumb it is. Fate picks Jasmine, Samantha, Cam, and Tomas to go on the group date.

Tomas is already a negative Nancy, convinced neither of these girls are his match. What lucky ladies to be on a date with this charmer!

Sam and Cam get to talking and they realize they could be each other’s match. And I hope they are, because there’s nothing I love more than a rhyming couple. Just ask my best friend Devon and her husband Kevin. It’s precious.

Now Cam is talking to Jasmine, and I actually think these ladies are lucky to be on this date because they got Cam. So you can go shave your back now, Tomas.

They all get back together in the house and Papa T wants to hear about the dates. Cam admits that he and Jasmine did kiss and now the Kwasi beast is roaring. Papa Terry doesn’t care because he’s just so happy people are opening their hearts!

The group voted Sam and Cam into the truth booth. Every time I type this I want to write trooth booth so my apologies for any typos you’ve noticed over the course of this season. Sam and Cam head on into the booth and they want to see perfect match because duh, MONEY. They know no love they find with a fellow trash bag on MTV will ever be worth more than the couple grand in their pocket if they win.

And they’re not a match! Truth Booth: 1, Rhyming Couples: 0. Everyone is ready to black out again!

Lewis: “Aren’t y’all sick of drinking?”
Me: 

After the truth booth, Jasmine apologizes for hurting Kwasi’s feelings, but she does not apologize for playing the game. She starts crying and says she didn’t want to put “all her pebbles in the same f*cking thing,” which is DEFINITELY the correct phrase. Kwasi can not forgive her because he has a myriad of issues, especially ANGER.  He leaves Jasmine there crying, and Nutsa, the brightest light in a lacy bralette, comes to give her a hug and cheer her up.

Kwasi ends the night screaming and losing his sh*t, sobbing outside into the lap of a producer wearing bunny ears (?). Guys, did I just accidentally take shrooms or is this something that actually happened? I guess we’ll find out next week!

Images: Giphy (3)

Marie Roda’s ‘Challenge: Final Reckoning’ Recap: I’M PETTY

We begin this episode mourning last week’s elimination results. Ashley, Sylvia, and I pour one out for our homie Amanda, while Tony shares a love note Zach left him with John. With Zach and all of John’s other bros in Redemption, Bananas realizes he’s going to have a tough time moving forward. Considering nobody likes him. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on the day for me), he isn’t fully out of luck. Cara reminds us while playing with a green boa alone in the background that nobody likes her either. Losers unite!

Cara Maria

I feel slightly embarrassed as I watch Devin and Cory take a house tour. It was much cleaner six weeks ago when the rest of us moved in. As they celebrate their win, we get another ridiculously adorable picture of Cory’s daughter, Ryder. I want to babysit her forever. The audience then learns that Devin was meant to have a place in this house from the start. After flying 24 hours to South Africa, Devin was made aware that his father had passed away. My heart breaks for him now as it broke for him then.

Devin, If you ever need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, a kiss, late night booty call, girlfriend, future wife, or whatever you want—call me. Jokes (or truth) aside, I’m so happy he decided to come back. He’s the only person that can make John angry solely by breathing. Would’ve loved seeing them forced to work together. Now you know why fruity didn’t have a partner in the beginning.

Outside, The Lavender Ladies and their “groupie” (me) are chatting by the pool. Now that Jozea and Da’Vonne are at Redemption, there are only two teams left for the LL’s to target before self-destructing: Banony and #TeamCaraMarie. While I haven’t always been tight with the Lavender Ladies, I was close with Sylvia, a fellow “Dolphin”. During Vendettas last season, Sylvia, Kam, Kailah, and I formed an equally, if not more obnoxiously named, girlfriend alliance, The Dolphins. Don’t ask. Nonetheless, Sylvia and I had a real, and very recent, relationship going into this house.

I understand why she might want to go against me in this game, as I’m aligned by default with two people that I formerly hated as well. There’s a reason you see Johnny and Tony vote for Ashley and Hunter later in the episode during nominations. The goal of speaking to Sylvia was for her and me to regroup and take advantage of the new numbers (and teams) in the main house.

I can’t say if Sylvia would have agreed with my plan because she never gave me the opportunity to pitch it, but I can say I’m a ridiculously good saleswoman and would have closed the deal on the spot. Ashley thinks I’m delusional and I think Sylvia, along with everybody else, needs new jokes when it comes to my numerous personalities. They’re called moods. Okurrrr?

At the Redemption house, Paulie is sad to see his Big Brother friends walk in while Zach seems happy, for the first time ever, as he runs inside the house with open arms. Zach lets everyone know why he’s blessed them with his presence and how much of a better person he is than Amanda for doing the exact same thing—being stubborn. You’re both great humans and I appreciate the decisions you made in last week’s elimination. Love you both.

It’s Challenge day and we’re playing “what goes up must come down”. TJ explains that a two hundred foot building and weird floor puzzle are the only things standing between us and a win today. He lied. That’s not the only obstacle for #TeamCaraMarie; we’re also rewarded with the disadvantage we took home last challenge after losing. For us, the door to that 200 ft building will be locked until we find the key to open it. Good.

Devin and Cory are up first and Devin is excited. This challenge seems like it’s right in his wheelhouse: “little cardio, big puzzle.” He gets me. TJ blows the horn and they’re off. Down below Hunter chants “TYB” for the 29299483209th time since Cory entered the house last night. I think Nelson might actually have a hard-on. They cruise past the puzzle portion with great communication and make their way down. I begrudgingly laugh out loud as John says that Devin looks like a geriatric patient as he slowly makes his way. Anxiously, I wait for TJ to tell them that they “set the bar low” like he’s told Cara and me every single Challenge so I can let out a “haha” and point like Nelson from The Simpsons. I don’t get my chance.

Ashley and Hunter are up and we see exactly why their love never blossomed. I feel like I’m watching my grandmother scream at my grandfather because he hears nothing. It is at this exact moment, while Ashley is screaming out orders to Hunter, that I realize who she reminds me of! Ruth Langmore, the badass hillbilly from the Netflix series Ozark. If you don’t know what I’m talking about and have access to Netflix, close this recap immediately and go watch it right now. Ashley struggles to get down the building and Cara yells that there’s a Gucci bag at the bottom for some game time inspiration. Where’s that kind of motivation when I’m doing something Cara? GUCCI GETS ME GOING!

Cara and I are up next, and I’m pissed off. Cara takes longer than expected to unlock the door and I’ve managed to memorize nothing while she was doing so. We make it to the top, without stopping might I add, and we get a stomach-turning POV shot from Cara as she looks down at the puzzle. I hate heights. Cara begins reading off colors but I, in all my glory considering I am still alive after that stair run, do not realize there are TWO buckets of puzzle pieces by the board, not one.

We actually communicated extremely well once someone from production tapped my shoulder and made me aware of the issue (another box of puzzle pieces) at hand. We strap in and head down the wall and I am literally in shock at my own performance. I’m in even MORE shock when I turn to tell Cara “Look what I can do!” and realized she’s way behind me. While we probably won’t win today, I felt as if I did. No offense taken, Tony.

Up next is Shanelly and I’M SCREAMING at their team interview. Nelson has my brain on overdrive. He’s giving me way too much material to roast with him with. It’s time to go night-night!

My takeaway: At first Nelson wanted to strangle Shane but now he wants to straddle him. They speed up the steps and are clearly the team to beat at this point. With Shane’s help, Nelson completes his first puzzle in his life and probably last ever too. I have to say, while I currently don’t like Nelson because he tried to get mad at me over Kayleigh drama, I do love watching him. The guy is literally THE GOOFIEST. The sexual puns he’s unknowingly feeding the audience right now are the highlight of the episode for me thus far.

Sylvia and Joss go, and I actually forgot about this dynamic duo. They race up the stairs, yada yada yada, John sends another lame joke Amanda’s way and they finish. Sylvia makes a good joke about not working out when she gets to the top, but clearly, I’m feeling a type of way tonight as I write this. It’s hard not to go back to a feeling when you’re watching it back. I love you, Sylvia. I’ll try harder.

Banony is the last pair to go. They are well aware that if they can’t beat Shane’s time, Nelson is gonna put the power vote on dat ass. As everyone screams different colors from the ground below in hopes to mess up John, I chose to remain silent and pray. I know that if Banony wins, Cara and I are definitely going into elimination. Spoiler Alert: Banony wins. Crazy how John could go from world’s biggest bully in Challenge history to the victim in only 14 episodes. I bet you’re rooting for them, aren’t you? He’s really embracing the victim role well. I guess that’s what happens when you get on basic television.

ANYWAY, as a self-described realist, I’ll be the first to say that the performance of #TeamCaraMarie thus far in Challenges deserves an elimination appearance. However, I’ll also be a complete hypocrite and say how the f*ck is this season fair? Whoever created this “Final Reckoning” theme definitely had their sights set on two new male champions to add to their short list of alumni under 60 who’d accept a Champs Vs. Stars call. I’m pissed.

During what should be a friendly game of cards in my and Shane’s room, I think it’s a good time to try to talk game. Again. Persistence breaks down resistance! I won’t go down without a fight. BET. LOL. Sylvia doesn’t want to chat because she’s having fun knowing she’s not going in, and I find out that my bestie Shane plans on saying my name as well. If ANYONE has had a real alliance here, it was me and Shane. We shared that cozy little room you see us sitting in, we burned votes on each other numerous times, and even Cara knew well enough to tell John last week that I’d never say his name. Even if every team still planned to say my name, why couldn’t you just vote rogue? It’s not like anyone expects that we’d chose to go against you. That’s crazy talk.

Cara feels bad for me but she shouldn’t. I’m never a victim because I don’t allow myself to be. I’ve known where I stood with this group all along. I’m just in a dark, angry place right now as production forces me to get dressed for a night out. The bar is completely empty because we’re not allowed to speak to strangers and it’s just adding insult to injury as I have to listen to “TYB” chants after every fruity shot of Triple Sec they take. Like, Can you even? Triple. Sec.

Ashley decides to join me in the corner and asks why I’m upset. I don’t know, maybe every single team in the house is voting me in tomorrow. It’s pretty reasonable that I don’t want to be around them. I know eliminations are part of the challenge. I also know that I don’t f*ck with anyone right now, so let me live. Ashley lets me know she’s won one of these before, just like she lets anyone know within five minutes of meeting them. She says I need to accept elimination and that I shouldn’t light fires. Alexa, play every time Ash has started a fire on a Challenge. The New Yorker in me is starting to show.

Oh god. Now I’m crying? I’m an emotional drunk. Kidding. I’m always emotional. Big f*ck you to Shane who says a million dollars can buy him friends who are less crazy than me. Drinks are on YOU motherf*cker at the reunion this week. I hate that it seems like I’m desperate, but all I ever wanted was a conversation because I’m desperate. I wasn’t frustrated so much about going in as I expected my time was running short, I was frustrated that Sylvia (my friend who I talked to every day prior to the show, and even went on weekend getaways with) wouldn’t give me the time of day.

As I pull Sylvia aside again for the second time that night, I laugh as I watch myself transform into Marnie, my alter ego. Part of me feels as if I secretly enjoy being denied. Would totally make sense considering my lifelong list of unavailable crushes and men who will never be interested in me. On a positive note, my hair looks great here.

Back at the house, Cara’s making pizza, and that’s never a good sign for me. Sylvia tells me that I’m the only person freaking out while simultaneously freaking out herself. We do the chest bump thing that everyone does in this house and I hope that she hits me. I’ll take a bruise over an elimination ANY DAY. If it gets physical someone goes home, right Kailah? Seeing this footage makes me understand why it didn’t happen. I was clearly an antagonist in this situation and the headbutt, while a great throwback WWE move, really was weak AF.

“Did you just headbutt my partner?” “Noooo never.” I AM DEAD. I wish I would’ve fallen to the floor screaming like I used to back when I played soccer many, many, many, years ago. I am cracking up at how unbothered I am as I storm around like Dora The Explorer in my backpack. *shrugs* “Fine. f*ck you” *middle finger high* exits. The next day they made us film TJ warning us about physical altercations, so the “that’s my warning” line was in response to his. Is it weird that I’m my own biggest fan?

TJ shows up for the secret vote, but it’s no secret, Cara and I are 100% going in. Nelson knows that it’s down to the “needy greedy” and everyone votes for us as predicted. OUR TURN! Sorry about the turtle comment, Sylvia. No idea. Cara calls me her friend and what follows is my favorite moment from Final Reckoning… and that says A LOT. Now that NOBODY LIKES ME too, Cara can finally like me. Sylvia head butting me was just what the doctor ordered. Is it just me or does Cara seem fired up for the first time this season? Gotta be top five cutest challenge moments ever. Don’t @ me.

Cara and I have nothing to lose going into this elimination. We’re both fired up over recent events and even more fired up over our recent friendship. The board lights up and Cara is excited we finally won something. Let’s keep this momentum going! TJ tells me I’m a far cry from cigarettes and sadness and I blink twice with no expression and say “Thank you, TJ?” It’s time to see who our options are when a song I’ve never heard before (but will totally jam to) turns on and so does the board.

Everyone is worried about getting picked. And everyone has good reason to be. Cory and Devin just got here, Hunter’s been a b*tch aggressively coming for Cara (Not John) all season as he pretends, Sylvia, because the head thing, and Shane because he’s right when he says I’M PETTY.

Without discussing our options we look at each other and call down Shane and Nelson. Nelson’s final interview of the episode erases all the good he did earlier and I dislike him again. Here’s hoping we get those equalizers. GIRL POWER!

What’d you think of tonight’s episode? Best one yet?

#TeamCaraMARIE

Images: Giphy (3); MTV (5)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: He’s Just Not That Into You

Welcome back, fellow masochists! We’ve survived to see another week of Are You The One?, but has Cam survived Kwasi’s attack? Let’s check back in with our favorite semi-lovable losers!

We figuratively jump right back in to Kwasi literally jumping on Cam. The guys break up the fight, and Cam’s body thankfully remains unharmed, but unfortunately it appears at some point the sleeve monster did get to his shirt. Bria, always the voice of reason, walks Kwasi out of the room while the men continue to scream at each other.

Kayla is upset because Kwasi was basically saying he just wants to bang her. Oh honey, it’s 2018. If a man hasn’t degraded you to the point of tears, are you even alive?

GUYS. Bria telling Kwasi to calm down and that his mom wouldn’t want to see him acting like this is making me lol. Am I taking crazy pills?!

Me rn:

WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOM, BRIA?! Perhaps you should have thought of this little tidbit before you screamed at Morgan, nearly beat the door down of the confessional, verbally assaulted Zak, stared maniacally at Morgan while vowing revenge, etc, etc, etc. I could go on but they actually do expect me to do work at my day job.

Cam comes back into the house and tells Kayla he just couldn’t stand for the way Kwasi was talking about her. Is it just me or is the Trump supporter turning out to be the most decent guy in the house? Of course by “decent” I mean “doesn’t treat women his own personal sex toy,” but still. 

It’s the next morning. Samantha and Asia go out to the water to talk about Lewis, on whom Asia is still crushing from back in the “Kenya topped him off” days.

Sam to Asia: You guys are clicking
Sam to the camera:

In the glam room, Moe is blow-drying his beard and telling Lauren he just doesn’t think he’s connecting with anyone in the house, but he is learning how women want to be treated. Oh, Moe. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. Go show off that freshly blow-dried beard and get yourself a girl! Lauren, clearly having drank the fate Kool-Aid, says it will happen if it’s meant to be. FYI Lauren, MTV doesn’t pay you more for agreeing with their dumb ideas.

Sidenote: Maybe next year they should get a therapist or relationship expert into the house to help these morons out? Because I don’t think telling people who are bad at love to try harder is working. I would know, it’s only what every single person I turn to for advice says.

Tomas takes Cali outside for a little picnic, and if he thinks that’s going to make her forget that he couldn’t get it up, he’s going to need a lot more alcohol.

In the hot tub, a bunch of the cast is hanging out and Tevin and his soulful eyes ask Brett who he thinks his match is. He thinks it could be Nutsa. But he admits he’s not over Cali, and the camera pans to him longingly gazing at Tomas cupping Cali’s ass in the outdoor shower. Dun dun dun.

suspense

Outside playing cornhole (not a euphemism), Asia straight-up asks Lewis if he sees her just as a friend. He says “I’m trying to find a word other than friend.” I believe the word you are searching for is “girl I’m stringing along until someone better offers to suck my d*ck.” You’re welcome.

Terry strolls on into the family room because it’s time to push that big red fate button. But! Papa T is so proud of the work they did last week, he has a surprise for them. Fate only gets to choose the guys for the date. Then the guys get to choose the girls they want to take. TBH I think “Fate” might do a better job, but okay Papa T, let’s try it your way.

Fate chooses Brett and Moe. Moe chooses Kayla, and I’m praying all the “tips” Lauren gave him help his game on this date. Brett picks Cali because he wants another chance to try and bang her to see if they’re a match.

For today’s date our motley crew is going out on a catamaran. So basically they just took their binge drinking out on the water. They see some dolphins and now I feel even sadder for Nutsa that Brett didn’t pick her because it seems she speaks their language. I think we’ve figured out the origin of Nutsa’s annoying voice. She’s clearly half dolphin.

On the date, Moe is really heaping the praise on Kayla and when she tells him she’s serious about Cam and isn’t interested in him he doesn’t even say “You’re fat anyways. I never really even liked you, b*tch,” which is a refreshing change from the usual way some men respond to rejection. Totally hypothetical!

After the date, Terry comes back and asks them how it went and Kayla has an orgasm when describing what it was like seeing dolphins. Moe mentions that Kayla has her heart set on Cam, and he respects that. Lewis says that Moe is just a body and isn’t making any attempt to get to know anyone. Um, exsqueeze me? Is that not the pot calling the kettle just a body? It’s like this guy gets one blow job and he acts like he’s gonna single-handedly win them a million dollars. Lewis, my opinion of you is falling fast. It’s then revealed that the group picked Brett and Cali to go into the truth booth.

And they’re not a match! Damn, these people are as bad at this game as I am at actually starting my diet on Monday.

Now it’s time for the match-up ceremony, and it’s a week for the girls to pick. As Bria kindly reminds us, they did a sh*t job of it last time.

Papa T calls Asia up. She’s pissed because Lewis lays next to her every night, which stops other guys from hitting on her, but he doesn’t actually do anything with her.

Asia, let me repeat it a little louder for the people in the back:

Papa Terry calls up Jasmine and Moe and tells them to “step into his office.” Such a dad joke.

And it’s time for the beams of light. The group gets four beams, the same as they did last week. Papa Terry is not mad, he’s just disappointed. It’s time for them to buckle down and find the rest of these matches. He sends them back to the house to really think about what they’re doing here.

Back at the house, Brett and Kenya are telling Lewis he needs to sh*t or get off the pot with Asia. Asia decides she needs a straight answer and pulls him aside.

Asia: Do you like me or nah
Lewis: 

Well, we all saw that coming, but Lewis, you suck. Asia, you are more beautiful than Cinderella, you smell like pine needles, and your face is like sunshine. And you’re only a little bit of a bully. Don’t let this d-bag get you down.

And that’s all for this week, folks! I’ll see you again this time next week to talk more sh*t on people I don’t know!

Images: Giphy (4)

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: A Match Made in Hell

We’re back this week with another episode of Are You The One: When Will Bria Make Her Kill, and it’s a double episode! Lucky for those of us who watch this show to feel better about our own bad decisions, more work for those of us who have to recap this show. Can’t wait! Let’s dive in to the Are You The One recap.

The episode begins as our unlucky in love-rs traipse back to the house to dramatic and depressing music, their two pathetic beams looming heavy behind them and on their hearts. The group calls for a “family meeting” and I’m not sure if you should call the group of people you’re banging family. That’s only legal in a few states, and I don’t think Hawaii is one of them.

The group immediately starts ganging up on Zak and Morgan; apparently no one believes they’re a match. Bria’s mind control is working! What kind of sorcery is this? The group disperses, having come to no real conclusion other than the fact that Lewis needs some Gatorade.

Out back, Kenya and Lewis are talking to Bria and trying to convince her to get Zak back. Damn, Lewis, you are shady. “Just as fast as she got him, you can get him right back.” Not saying I didn’t say this same thing to my distraught friend when convincing her to crash her ex’s wedding, but still.

Kayla and Cam sit down and he starts telling her he has reservations. CAM! Am I going to have to take back all of the nice things I said about you last week? I’ll do it. I will. Okay, let’s see why he thinks they aren’t a match. She doesn’t like the ocean and he does. LOL. She gets motion sickness easily, and he likes to drive. LOL. She doesn’t like Donald Trump and he does. Oh. Okay. So that one could legit cause some big problems. HUGE.

Over in the kitchen, Andrew and Lauren seem to be getting along. He tells her he only wants one wife. And also a motocross bike. Okay Andrew, this isn’t a f*cking Christmas list. Take that one up with Santa at a later date. He should also add sunscreen to that list because he still hasn’t figured out how not to get burnt. SPF 50 pls, Santy!

OMG Lauren just asked Andrew if he could go for a blonde and he told her “absolutely, my mom is blonde.”

Lauren and all of America:

It is literally still nighttime, and now the crew has moved to the pool and is playing a friendly game of truth or dare. Cali dares Nutsa to play “nervous” which apparently is a game where you grab a guy’s d*ck? I don’t get the point. Do I need to call HR? Anyway, she chooses to grab Daniel’s. Samantha is not pleased. She starts yelling at Daniel and telling him it was disrespectful for him to let another girl grab his d*ck in front of her. I mean that’s fair, but like, you’re on an MTV reality show where you basically have to hook up with multiple people to win, so the normal rules of etiquette don’t really apply.

We have finally made it to morning and the cast is hanging out in the water. I guess Lewis can’t swim, since he’s wearing a life preserver. Maybe they should have given that to Kwasi last week for his surfing date? Unless they wanted him to drown?

Nutsa seems to have decided that her voice is not annoying enough, so she decides to physically assault her crush Brett with a pillow and with her body. Then she decides to chase him. It’s like watching a hamster finally get free from its cage.

Cam and Cali are openly flirting, and it’s causing Kayla enough distress that she has to go talk to herself in the mirror and cry in her bed. Dramatic much? I call that a Tuesday night.

Terry shows up and reminds everyone of his girlfriend, the beautiful fate button. It’s time to choose some people for dates! Fate chooses Zak, Daniel, Bria, and Asia and I guess Bria’s mind control extends to the fate button as well. The house breaks out into applause because they are afraid Bria will hurt them if they don’t clap want to find out if Zak and Bria are a match.

Kayla and Kwasi start vibing and I’m happy for her because I don’t want to see her crying in her bed again. Put yourself out there, Kayla! There are 9 other men in this house that will eventually dump you the second someone hotter comes along.

Okay, Samantha sits down with Daniel and I just had to listen to like, a solid three minutes of her saying she doesn’t trust him and he hasn’t earned her trust and affection for her to then go into the boom boom room with him. Next time spare me the bullsh*t foreplay and let’s get right to it.

Moving on to the date, our couples are going dune buggy-ing. Zak decides to take the wheel instead of Bria, which I think is the safest choice for all involved. They’re taking them on a road, though—I thought these were for off-roading? Does one often encounter dunes on the highway? Our daters pull their buggys up to the coffee shop for the rest of date. So their date is literally a pit stop I made before work this morning. MTV is really forking over the big bucks this season.

Over their lattes, Zak tells Bria that he’s surprised that they were able to pick it right back up and he could see why they might be a match. DUDE! Never before in my life have I seen someone so easily distracted by what’s in front of them. Wait, I lied.

Distracted

Zac and Bria make out. I’M CALLING THE POLICE. If this isn’t a case of thinking-with-your-d*ck-itis, I don’t know what is.

Back at the house, Terry shows up to earn that minimum wage paycheck. Zak and Bria tell the house that they kissed and Morgan is sad. Don’t worry, Morgan! Once he sees you and remembers you he’ll make out with you too!

Samantha calls out Zak for being a d*ck in front of Morgan. In the interview room she says this about Zak and Bria, “They literally both don’t care how other people feel so maybe they are a match made in heaven. Or a match made in hell.” Truer words have never been spoken, Sam. We applaud you and we thank you.

As expected, Zak and Bria were voted into the truth booth. They both are confident that they’re a match. They should be as confident in their relationship as I am in the MTA’s ability to get me anywhere on time except into an early grave.

And LOL they’re no match. Literally I’ve never been happier to see two people so upset. You would murder each other, you f*cking morons!! Not even the devil would match you up because he doesn’t want to see Bria in hell any earlier than he has to!

Morgan rn:

Told You

Bria is sobbing and Zak tells the camera he needs to move on. LOL what a douche. I’m going to set his house on fire.

Naturally, Bria comes back looking for a fight. I’m sorry, a debate. She was on the debate team, y’all remember? Immediately she moves on Kwasi, who told them that they suck when they returned from the truth booth. Zak immediately ditches. LOL what a douche. Bria is screaming at Kwasi, so naturally he gets heated. God, Bria, have you heard of a joke? Did they not teach you about those in the hellmouth you crawled out of?

Now Asia is jealous that Bria gets to do all the debating so she decides to start sh*t with Nutsa when our poor little hamster friend just wanted to get some food! I literally do not even know what this fight is about. GOD where does MTV find these people?? I honestly think that they go to the trashiest bar in Tampa, find the girl that just punched another girl, walk right up to her and say “hey, wanna be on our dating show?” Bria, let me know if I’m right.

Moe is turned on by Asia’s bullying, so he follows her outside to tell her he’ll always be there for her. You say that now, Moe, but just you wait until one day you are just walking to the kitchen to get food and she jumps down YOUR throat.

SHOCKER! Zak wants Morgan back. He pulls her aside and says he doesn’t want to be with Bria and he’s actually into Morgan.

Zak: So what are we?
Morgan: 

Zak! You’re the worst!

Bria sees them talking and strolls out hand in hand with Kwasi. I guess they’ve made up. Kwasi finally calls Zak out in front of both Bria and Morgan and asks him who he would want to pursue a relationship with outside the house. He panics. Might I remind you, he LITERALLY JUST TOLD MORGAN HE DIDN’T WANT TO DATE BRIA.

Zak finally decides that since he already knows he’s not a match with Bria, he’ll say Morgan. Bria loses her sh*t and gives them all a lecture, telling them they’re not better than her. Oh, Bria. Honey. I know a cockroach that’s better than you.

Zak and Morgan take it to the boom boom room for one last f*ck before Bria kills them. Morgan! For shame. Missionary with the lights off is not worth your dignity.

Inside, Cali and Cam are talking. He tells her he likes her because she’s “nature girl” and he’s “nature boy.” OH REALLY. Why do I get the sense that Cam’s idea of exploring nature is drinking a Natty Light in his backyard with his bros?

We’ve finally made it to the matchup ceremony and it’s a guys night to pick. They decide to go with their hearts instead of with strategy because last week strategy didn’t work. I wonder if anyone took a minute to think perhaps they just came up with a bad strategy? No? So just me then? Cool.

Okay am I missing something? Where’s Daniel? And Bria? They’re sitting next to each other but they never showed him picking her. Why didn’t he pick Sam? I’M SO CONFUSED. It’s like he wants his d*ck cut off.

The group gets four beams! Papa Terry is proud and this week he tells them to go take a shot for him. Oh they will Terry, they’ll each take nine of them.

Back at the house, Cali reminds everyone that only two couples repeated tonight and it was her and Tomas and Morgan and Zak, which means that only one of them is a perfect match. Cali and Tomas are convinced it’s them and that’s enough to get them to the boom boom room, but apparently not enough for Tomas to get it up.

Back outside, Kwasi and Kayla are talking and Cam is shocked. YOU TOLD HER YOU DIDN’T THINK YOU WERE A MATCH! Of course she is talking to someone else! And now you’re jealous? That’s not how it works.

Cam pulls Kayla aside and he tells her he doesn’t want to be made a fool of. This conversation basically goes nowhere and Cam goes back into the house to confront Kwasi, who quickly turns into Kwasi Beast and throws himself across the room to attack Cam. We end the episode with the guys holding Kwasi back and me imagining the tongue lashing they’re going to get from Papa T.

See you all next week!

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‘Are You The One?’ Recap: It’s Time To Get Morgan Some Security

Hello, Are You the One? Nation! Huh, that wasn’t quite as catchy as Bachelor Nation. Plus, way less people watch this show. Hello, Are You the One? Borough! Yes, yes, that’s right. We’ve made it to another week of our beloved show, and as you’ll recall, last week we were left on a cliffhanger. Will Tevin, Jasmine, and a vat of neon paint seal the deal? Let’s dive right in!

We open on a rainy morning, and honestly the weather for this retreat is not doing a whole hell of a lot to help out the Hawaii tourism bureau. I thought the weather there was always supposed to be sunny with a chance of piña coladas? Is that not right?

A bunch of the cast is sitting around in one tent talking about their exes. Cam is talking about how Kayla’s ex was a piece of woman-hating trash on steroids (I paraphrase) and that reminds me that last week in the comments someone mentioned I forgot to say how sweet Cam was to Kayla during that whole situation. And he was! I’m sorry I didn’t say it, sometimes I get so focused on writing mean things about idiots that I don’t write about the people that display general human decency. Snaps for Cam! And Cam, if you don’t find your perfect match, my girl It’s Britney, Betch is very into your fratty vibe so you might want to hit her up. There! My good deed for today. Moving on.

This is a nice supportive moment in the tent, and everyone is very sweet to one another and they are committed to working together and figuring this thing out. Obviously, Bria is not there.

Cut to Tevin and Asia doing yoga and talking about Kenya’s behavior with her ex. And by behavior, I mean supergluing her ass to his lap. Tevin says he’s afraid that Kenya will find out what happened between him and Jasmine, and I think that statement, along with the graphic footage from last week, pretty much confirms that the neon paint was used as lube last night. Tevin is set on separating from Kenya and I’m feeling very doubtful that will happen.

Back inside the tent, Bria, possessed by the devil and the souls of all the scorned women that came before her, is plotting her revenge on Morgan. She says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do yet, but it’s coming. I’m just going to take a wild guess and say it’s going to involve a meat cleaver, rope, duct tape, and bleach.  

Terry shows up and praises the cast for surviving this relationship rehab. I think he’s using the word “survive” very liberally but k, whatever. The good news is that he’s springing them from this monsoon and allowing them to return to the house. I bet they’ve never been so happy to return to their bare mattresses on the floor!

The crew gets home, and everybody immediately needs a shower, and then they have a taco party. I think this is what OJ did the first night he was released from prison, too. Nutsa keeps yelling “guys it’s taco Tuesday!” and now her voice has ruined tacos for me forever. I’m beginning to understand why she has not found love.

Kwasi eats his taco and then decides to stir up some sh*t. And not like Cali’s spicy poops kind of sh*t. He pulls Kenya aside to talk to her.

Kwasi: I don’t want to be a snitch…
Kenya: Tell me
Kwasi: Well since you twisted my arm, Jasmine sucked Tevin’s d*ck last night
Me: 

Kenya is “disgusted” but seems to forget that the reason she didn’t know this happened was because she was temporarily indisposed cuddling up to Tevin’s doppelgänger! She straight-up asks Jasmine if she hooked up with Tevin last night and to her credit, Jasmine admits it right away. Then Kenya takes off to castrate Tevin. She finds him, and Lewis is lingering. She yells, “everyone get the f*ck away” and Lewis says, “I’m bored!” National. Treasure. If anyone deserves to get their d*ck sucked it’s this guy. Oh wait, Kenya already did that…

Tevin admits that he was hurt by the way Kenya was acting with her ex, and that’s why he hooked up with Jasmine. Kenya forgives him and now I just feel bad for Jasmine, who quickly became a pawn in the sick game of two people who will ultimately have multiple pregnancy scares and then break up, perhaps with police intervention.

We switch over to Zak and Morgan, who are sitting outside and listing the things they know about each other. Apparently both of them work for marketing agencies. I’m sure these marketing agencies are very proud of the talent they’ve churned out. Please say the company’s names so I never apply they can get credit. Zak and Morgan are so turned on by all this marketing talk they hightail it to the boom boom room.

The next morning, Terry shows up and reminds us of the fate button. Fate is feeling very left out after a week just sitting in the living room, not being able to ruin lives and pretend to make matches. So fate has taken revenge on the group and chosen Morgan, Kenya, Brett, and Kwasi. At least it spared us all from an extra five minutes of Nutsa’s voice. This week the group date is surfing. In Hawaii.

Kwasi does not know how to swim, and now I’m worried fate was intervening to cause his death do something else. That sneaky b*tch.

Kwasi is really into Morgan and tells her she’s beautiful. She doesn’t like him because he’s superficial. Well, he did spend significant amount of time on this date describing her “yummy physique,” so that’s a fair assessment.

Kenya and Brett think that they could be a match, but they don’t think they have a romantic spark. They also think they’re both hilarious, and to that I say, TELL ME A JOKE. Prove it! No one here has shown me any hilarity other than Lewis. I’m waiting.

Terry gathers the crew in the living room, and decides there isn’t enough blood on the carpet tonight, so he immediately asks Zak if he’s made any new connections. Zak starts gushing over Morgan, as Bria’s smile over in the corner chills me to the bone.

Terry then moves on to see who was voted into the truth booth, and the group has voted in Brett and Kenya. They head to the truth booth and we cut to commercial as our cast screams bloody murder, like they do every week. It means nothing. Well, it means nothing until the week Bria eventually decapitates Morgan.

And they are not a match! Kenya is crying tears of joy because this means she gets to go back to her man. You know, the one who got his d*ck sucked by another girl last night. She’s so lucky!

Me, interviewing Jasmine: How are you feeling right now Jaz?
Jasmine:

After taking a few shots, Bria decides to confront Morgan. Personally, if I was going to commit murder, I’d want to be sober as to make sure I got away with it, but to each their stupid own. Instead of killing her, though, Bria decides to sit Morgan down and just tell her in her very best Liam Neeson revenge-thriller voice that she’s better than Morgan. Morgan says “k, cool, can I go now?” She is allowed to leave. This time…

The next day, Asia decides that she is the Rain Man of the house and is doing some serious strategizing ahead of the match up ceremony. I love the part of the season when people start trying to do math. It very rarely works, and more often than not, their heads explode.

Terry welcomes the crew to the match up ceremony and checks in with our only perfect match thus far, Maria and Shamoy. Shamoy says things are going well but other people need to find their matches so they can have “other people to kick it with.” AKA they f*cking hate each other already. No word on whether anyone has spilled on that white couch yet, unfortunately.

Terry calls up the ladies to choose.

Terry calls Morgan up. He asks her about Zak and then decides there’s not enough blood on his podium, so he asks Bria her thoughts. She calls Morgan a liar. Screaming commences. I drink wine and tune it out. I’ve had enough of this girl.  

Everyone is “locked in.” Words I’m sure they’ve all heard before while drying up in their local drunk tank. We wait an interminable amount of time for the beams. They don’t black out on beams, but I’m sure they’ll be able to accomplish that later with alcohol. The group only gets one additional beam, and Papa Terry is very upset. He tells them that tonight was trash. Hey! That’s my line!

Everyone walks away hanging their heads in shame. TBH they should be hanging their heads in shame more often on this show. That should be their default position. As the episode ends they all are headed to their timeout chairs that Papa Terry set up for them in the house as punishment for being stupid idiots that are dumb. See you next week!

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