Is anyone else watching The Hills: New Beginnings this season? Because it certainly feels like it’s just me and my one coworker talking about Justin Bobby’s eyeliner every Tuesday morning. And it certainly feels like I’m the only one who wakes up in the middle of the night gasping, “but where was Whitney?!” But surely, surely, MTV wouldn’t keep a show on the air solely for my enjoyment and nostalgia, would they? If they are, that’s like, so sweet, but I think they might need some extra drama to hook a few more viewers in order to keep season 2 afloat. Enter, the Pratt Family.
After this week’s episode, Stephanie Pratt took to Instagram to criticize her costars, and drag up the good old “Heidi and Spencer said LC made a sex tape,” rumor. Let’s take a look at the unabomber’s manifesto her post:
Normally I can’t be bothered to read a post this long, because my attention span has shrunk alarmingly since the invention of the iPhone (thanks, Steve!), but this is juicy, so I’ll break this down for you. Stephanie says she is back in London where evil siblings do not exist (ah yes, because that sh*t going on between William and Harry is because they’re being too nice to each other), and then goes on to say that Heidi is evil, only talks about her to get in magazines, and that yes, she is responsible for the sex tape rumor. Newsflash: no one cares anymore, Steph!!!
She also says she and Justin Bobby never slept together, and I’m sure that’s *technically* true, because Justin Bobby, a 37-year-old man who attends desert festivals clad entirely in leather, calls it “vibing.” Finally, she claims that Audrina knows that she didn’t sleep vibe with Justin, Audrina had a secret boyfriend outside of the show, and that this “attack on her character” was all done so Audrina could get more screen time.
As my therapist would say, this is something you should write in your diary and not put on the internet. And this is where I get suspicious. In the comments, Stephanie claims that she will not be returning for season 2. But why are you bringing up all this sh*t on Instagram, if not to push your dramatic storyline into the following season? I guarantee you she will eventually sign on, and we’ll get a million stories about how she’s reluctant to go on the show and confront Spencer and Heidi after this attack post. THUS GETTING HER MORE MEDIA ATTENTION AND AIRTIME!! Does anyone else agree with me, or have I just watched too many YouTube conspiracy theory videos in the middle of the night?
It also appears that Heidi responded to Stephanie’s vitriol on her own prayer and scripture-dedicated Instagram account (no, you didn’t just have a stroke, yes this is something that exists):
So Heidi just used Jesus to tell us she’s better than Stephanie. Just how He wanted his teachings to be implemented! He would be so proud! But just in case He’s not, I’d watch out for lightning strikes for the next few days, Heidi.
TBH I still don’t really understand what Spencer and Stephanie are fighting about. This season, Stephanie mentioned that Spencer and Heidi didn’t tell her when her nephew was born, but in my opinion they really saved her a lot of trouble. I have visited numerous newborn babies over the last few years, and they all look like blobs, and you can kill them very easily by holding them wrong. It’s terrifying. Count your blessings, Stephanie. This just seems like they’re rehashing the same old made up drama, only now Stephanie has an entirely new face, no?
I guess we will have to wait and see what happens with the rest of this season, and if Stephanie *shockingly* decides to show up for season two. In the meantime I’ll just be over here patiently waiting for Spencer to send me a Pratt Daddy Crystal (I’ll review it Spencer, I promise!).
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2); officialstephpratt, prattprayers/Instagram
For about five minutes yesterday, I thought the world was ending. Why, you ask? Well because Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and the woman who dragged him from a moving car his girlfriend Jen Harley announced they were having another baby. Sort of. They both shared pictures of a pregnant Jen, which she captioned “baby bump debut,” and he captioned simply with the pregnant woman emoji, which is something I find disturbing enough on its own, let alone in reference to someone who should have been sterilized. I thought we had hit our limit for terrible sh*t that could happen in 2018, but Ronnie and Jen having another baby would put us over the limit.
So I started figuring out what I would write in this article other than “those f*cking morons” over and over again (I tried, but my editor said I couldn’t!), when it turns out the whole thing is a hoax! These are OLD pictures from the LAST time their unprotected sex resulted in an accidental child that they will irreparably damage and then not pay to send to a therapist. Jen adjusted her caption to clarify the whole thing.
Are you really sorry, though? Because if you didn’t want to confuse people, I’m pretty sure you would have said from the start that these pictures were from last year. Don’t play coy with me, tt_kittymeow. I see right through you. So what was the point of this? Did they want people to question their intelligence all over the internet? Perhaps they weren’t getting enough attention because it’s been a minute since they physically assaulted each other, and a pregnancy hoax was the only thing their little pea-sized brains could think of?
So, since they’re not pregnant (praise Jesus!), I’m going to use this article to BEG of them to never have another child. Just last week Ronnie was referring to a woman that he was willingly flirting with as a “Jewish Rag Doll.” I don’t even know what that means or how it is insulting, but I am OFFENDED. So sorry she tempted you into doing embarrassing things on TV when you have a girlfriend and a child, and no free will of your own, right? Always blame the woman!
And let’s be real, should the inventor of Ron-Ron Juice and a woman who was banned from Planet Hollywood really be rolling the dice by mixing their genes into another person? Ariana Sky will be lucky if she’s able to dodge the rage issues and alcoholism inherent in her DNA, but lightning doesn’t strike twice. To put it lightly, a second child would be… screwed.
Not only should these two not have another child, but they shouldn’t even be together as a couple. They should be separated by the law and many, many states. Maybe one of them should even move to Asia? I’m pretty sure they’ve only been dating like a year and a half and he’s managed to call her a hoe and threaten to show her sex tape to her 11-year-old son, and she’s accused him of being addicted to cocaine and then dragged him with a car while their child was in it. He had to get a sling! Those don’t look good on guidos! Normally these are things I would make up about people to make a story funnier, but sadly, every incident I’ve reported here is true. I’m actually glad I wrote this article because it’s reminded me that I’ve been meaning to call Child Services on them for a while. Brb.
So in summation, it is NOT true that Ronnie and Jen are having another baby right now, but I’m sure we’ll be reassessing next year. The holidays + lots of alcohol + hate sex = bundle of joy. So let’s all cherish this second child-free time while we can.
Images: @realronniemagro, @tt_kittymeow/Instagram; Giphy
Hello, friends! Welcome back. You know what time it is! Time for me to spend hours finding creative ways to say “and then they got black out and hooked up.” Let’s see what I come up with this week, shall we?!
We immediately return to the truth booth, scanning Tevin and Kenya for STD’s to see if they’re a match. And they’re a perfect match! The crowd goes wild! Kenya climbs Tevin like a tree! The heavens sob and say “we didn’t mean for this to happen.” True love is dead.
Okay serious question though. Kenya went on this show because she is bad at finding love, right? She needed matchmakers to help her find her perfect man. And the man they picked out for her…looks exactly like her ex-boyfriend? How does this make sense?
In honor of their second perfect match of the season, the gang decides to party. Kayla declares that “love is in the air! It’s everywhere!” No, honey. I think that’s someone’s bodily fluids.
All the girls are asking Kenya the secret to love, as she is now an all-knowing love guru who definitely didn’t suck someone else’s d*ck while dating her perfect match. Kenya tells Sam the key is to “be vulnerable” and Sam is skeptical. Remain skeptical, Sam. Do not trust Kenya. She is a fugly slut.
The next morning, Kwasi sets up a picnic for Jasmine to show her how much he wants to bang her cares about her. And by sets up a picnic, I mean throws some producer-paid-for champagne in a basket to loosen Jasmine up. Kwasi asks her “so, will you be my girlfriend?” which was mildly cute but follows that up by saying he “still has the beast in him” and I’d like to nope right out of this conversation.
In the kitchen, Sam is making food for Daniel. I’m sorry, but is she cooking frozen french fries in a skillet? Is that a thing? I wouldn’t know because I haven’t touched a pan since Seamless was invented years ago, but it still feels wrong. Chefs, hit me up in the comments pls.
Now it’s time for the matchup ceremony. Papa T and his bird shirt welcome us and remind us that they are here to find love and sell their souls to the reality TV devil to win one million dollars. It’s the ladies’ week to pick.
- Asia picks Daniel. She knows he doesn’t want pan-fried french fries for the rest of his life. His sweaty ass deserves oven baked. Sam is obviously not pleased.
- Lauren picks Cam
- Bria grabs Lewis by the balls—excuse me, I mean picks Lewis
- Sam picks Andrew
- Kayla picks Moe
- Cali picks Zak. Zak uses this time to apologize to Morgan for his behavior and its like different day, same sh*t. SIT. DOWN.
- Morgan picks Tomas
- Nutsa, looking like the adorable Minnie Mouse that she is, picks Brett. Brett, looking like the douchebag he’s proven himself to be, says he thinks Nutsa likes him more than he likes her. SIT. DOWN.
- Jasmine picks Kwasi.
And the gang gets four beams! The two perfect matches that they already know, and two new matches. They all hang their heads in shame. Papa Terry is upset, and he reminds them they only have 2 more weeks to get it right. Papa T won’t yell at them, though, he will just stand solemnly by and let Maria ream them out. Things sure must look easy from that honeymoon suite at the motel six, huh Maria? After that light verbal abuse, Papa T sends them back to the house to do work.
The entire gang wants to strategize when they get back, in hopes of salvaging what is left of this sinking season.
Cali during this whole interaction:
After some drinks, Morgan decides that even though Zak has treated her like the dirt stuck to the gum stuck to his shoe, she wants to have sex with him because she’s horny. Jasmine lectures Morgan about self-respect while lounging in her Spanx catsuit, which is lightly accentuating the lines of her labia. In this same conversation, Jasmine also reveals that she uses her vibrator every night before she goes to bed. Exsqueeze me? This is NOT an environment conducive to vibrators! They’re all on mattresses on the ground up against one another. Why do I have a feeling that poor sweet Moe is the one that has to listen to her moaning “Oh, Tevin” every night?
And then Morgan goes and bangs Zak in the boom boom room. I swear, Zak is the luckiest man alive.
In the morning, everyone finds out and they’re all pissed and claim Zak’s ruining the game. Asia is also pissed at Morgan and is screaming at her for banging someone who she thinks isn’t her match. Alright Asia, can you stop bullying people for like A SEC and maybe find your own match? Mind. Your. Business.
Papa T shows up and reminds them about the fate button with a giggle. At this point in the season even he can’t say it with a straight face, and he spent many years training at Juilliard for this very moment. That’s how dumb it is. Fate picks Jasmine, Samantha, Cam, and Tomas to go on the group date.
Tomas is already a negative Nancy, convinced neither of these girls are his match. What lucky ladies to be on a date with this charmer!
Sam and Cam get to talking and they realize they could be each other’s match. And I hope they are, because there’s nothing I love more than a rhyming couple. Just ask my best friend Devon and her husband Kevin. It’s precious.
Now Cam is talking to Jasmine, and I actually think these ladies are lucky to be on this date because they got Cam. So you can go shave your back now, Tomas.
They all get back together in the house and Papa T wants to hear about the dates. Cam admits that he and Jasmine did kiss and now the Kwasi beast is roaring. Papa Terry doesn’t care because he’s just so happy people are opening their hearts!
The group voted Sam and Cam into the truth booth. Every time I type this I want to write trooth booth so my apologies for any typos you’ve noticed over the course of this season. Sam and Cam head on into the booth and they want to see perfect match because duh, MONEY. They know no love they find with a fellow trash bag on MTV will ever be worth more than the couple grand in their pocket if they win.
And they’re not a match! Truth Booth: 1, Rhyming Couples: 0. Everyone is ready to black out again!
Lewis: “Aren’t y’all sick of drinking?”
Me:
After the truth booth, Jasmine apologizes for hurting Kwasi’s feelings, but she does not apologize for playing the game. She starts crying and says she didn’t want to put “all her pebbles in the same f*cking thing,” which is DEFINITELY the correct phrase. Kwasi can not forgive her because he has a myriad of issues, especially ANGER. He leaves Jasmine there crying, and Nutsa, the brightest light in a lacy bralette, comes to give her a hug and cheer her up.
Kwasi ends the night screaming and losing his sh*t, sobbing outside into the lap of a producer wearing bunny ears (?). Guys, did I just accidentally take shrooms or is this something that actually happened? I guess we’ll find out next week!
Images: Giphy (3)
We begin this episode mourning last week’s elimination results. Ashley, Sylvia, and I pour one out for our homie Amanda, while Tony shares a love note Zach left him with John. With Zach and all of John’s other bros in Redemption, Bananas realizes he’s going to have a tough time moving forward. Considering nobody likes him. Fortunately or unfortunately (depending on the day for me), he isn’t fully out of luck. Cara reminds us while playing with a green boa alone in the background that nobody likes her either. Losers unite!
I feel slightly embarrassed as I watch Devin and Cory take a house tour. It was much cleaner six weeks ago when the rest of us moved in. As they celebrate their win, we get another ridiculously adorable picture of Cory’s daughter, Ryder. I want to babysit her forever. The audience then learns that Devin was meant to have a place in this house from the start. After flying 24 hours to South Africa, Devin was made aware that his father had passed away. My heart breaks for him now as it broke for him then.
Devin, If you ever need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, a hug, a kiss, late night booty call, girlfriend, future wife, or whatever you want—call me. Jokes (or truth) aside, I’m so happy he decided to come back. He’s the only person that can make John angry solely by breathing. Would’ve loved seeing them forced to work together. Now you know why fruity didn’t have a partner in the beginning.
Outside, The Lavender Ladies and their “groupie” (me) are chatting by the pool. Now that Jozea and Da’Vonne are at Redemption, there are only two teams left for the LL’s to target before self-destructing: Banony and #TeamCaraMarie. While I haven’t always been tight with the Lavender Ladies, I was close with Sylvia, a fellow “Dolphin”. During Vendettas last season, Sylvia, Kam, Kailah, and I formed an equally, if not more obnoxiously named, girlfriend alliance, The Dolphins. Don’t ask. Nonetheless, Sylvia and I had a real, and very recent, relationship going into this house.
I understand why she might want to go against me in this game, as I’m aligned by default with two people that I formerly hated as well. There’s a reason you see Johnny and Tony vote for Ashley and Hunter later in the episode during nominations. The goal of speaking to Sylvia was for her and me to regroup and take advantage of the new numbers (and teams) in the main house.
I can’t say if Sylvia would have agreed with my plan because she never gave me the opportunity to pitch it, but I can say I’m a ridiculously good saleswoman and would have closed the deal on the spot. Ashley thinks I’m delusional and I think Sylvia, along with everybody else, needs new jokes when it comes to my numerous personalities. They’re called moods. Okurrrr?
At the Redemption house, Paulie is sad to see his Big Brother friends walk in while Zach seems happy, for the first time ever, as he runs inside the house with open arms. Zach lets everyone know why he’s blessed them with his presence and how much of a better person he is than Amanda for doing the exact same thing—being stubborn. You’re both great humans and I appreciate the decisions you made in last week’s elimination. Love you both.
It’s Challenge day and we’re playing “what goes up must come down”. TJ explains that a two hundred foot building and weird floor puzzle are the only things standing between us and a win today. He lied. That’s not the only obstacle for #TeamCaraMarie; we’re also rewarded with the disadvantage we took home last challenge after losing. For us, the door to that 200 ft building will be locked until we find the key to open it. Good.
Devin and Cory are up first and Devin is excited. This challenge seems like it’s right in his wheelhouse: “little cardio, big puzzle.” He gets me. TJ blows the horn and they’re off. Down below Hunter chants “TYB” for the 29299483209th time since Cory entered the house last night. I think Nelson might actually have a hard-on. They cruise past the puzzle portion with great communication and make their way down. I begrudgingly laugh out loud as John says that Devin looks like a geriatric patient as he slowly makes his way. Anxiously, I wait for TJ to tell them that they “set the bar low” like he’s told Cara and me every single Challenge so I can let out a “haha” and point like Nelson from The Simpsons. I don’t get my chance.
Ashley and Hunter are up and we see exactly why their love never blossomed. I feel like I’m watching my grandmother scream at my grandfather because he hears nothing. It is at this exact moment, while Ashley is screaming out orders to Hunter, that I realize who she reminds me of! Ruth Langmore, the badass hillbilly from the Netflix series Ozark. If you don’t know what I’m talking about and have access to Netflix, close this recap immediately and go watch it right now. Ashley struggles to get down the building and Cara yells that there’s a Gucci bag at the bottom for some game time inspiration. Where’s that kind of motivation when I’m doing something Cara? GUCCI GETS ME GOING!
Cara and I are up next, and I’m pissed off. Cara takes longer than expected to unlock the door and I’ve managed to memorize nothing while she was doing so. We make it to the top, without stopping might I add, and we get a stomach-turning POV shot from Cara as she looks down at the puzzle. I hate heights. Cara begins reading off colors but I, in all my glory considering I am still alive after that stair run, do not realize there are TWO buckets of puzzle pieces by the board, not one.
We actually communicated extremely well once someone from production tapped my shoulder and made me aware of the issue (another box of puzzle pieces) at hand. We strap in and head down the wall and I am literally in shock at my own performance. I’m in even MORE shock when I turn to tell Cara “Look what I can do!” and realized she’s way behind me. While we probably won’t win today, I felt as if I did. No offense taken, Tony.
Up next is Shanelly and I’M SCREAMING at their team interview. Nelson has my brain on overdrive. He’s giving me way too much material to roast with him with. It’s time to go night-night!
My takeaway: At first Nelson wanted to strangle Shane but now he wants to straddle him. They speed up the steps and are clearly the team to beat at this point. With Shane’s help, Nelson completes his first puzzle in his life and probably last ever too. I have to say, while I currently don’t like Nelson because he tried to get mad at me over Kayleigh drama, I do love watching him. The guy is literally THE GOOFIEST. The sexual puns he’s unknowingly feeding the audience right now are the highlight of the episode for me thus far.
Sylvia and Joss go, and I actually forgot about this dynamic duo. They race up the stairs, yada yada yada, John sends another lame joke Amanda’s way and they finish. Sylvia makes a good joke about not working out when she gets to the top, but clearly, I’m feeling a type of way tonight as I write this. It’s hard not to go back to a feeling when you’re watching it back. I love you, Sylvia. I’ll try harder.
Banony is the last pair to go. They are well aware that if they can’t beat Shane’s time, Nelson is gonna put the power vote on dat ass. As everyone screams different colors from the ground below in hopes to mess up John, I chose to remain silent and pray. I know that if Banony wins, Cara and I are definitely going into elimination. Spoiler Alert: Banony wins. Crazy how John could go from world’s biggest bully in Challenge history to the victim in only 14 episodes. I bet you’re rooting for them, aren’t you? He’s really embracing the victim role well. I guess that’s what happens when you get on basic television.
ANYWAY, as a self-described realist, I’ll be the first to say that the performance of #TeamCaraMarie thus far in Challenges deserves an elimination appearance. However, I’ll also be a complete hypocrite and say how the f*ck is this season fair? Whoever created this “Final Reckoning” theme definitely had their sights set on two new male champions to add to their short list of alumni under 60 who’d accept a Champs Vs. Stars call. I’m pissed.
During what should be a friendly game of cards in my and Shane’s room, I think it’s a good time to try to talk game. Again. Persistence breaks down resistance! I won’t go down without a fight. BET. LOL. Sylvia doesn’t want to chat because she’s having fun knowing she’s not going in, and I find out that my bestie Shane plans on saying my name as well. If ANYONE has had a real alliance here, it was me and Shane. We shared that cozy little room you see us sitting in, we burned votes on each other numerous times, and even Cara knew well enough to tell John last week that I’d never say his name. Even if every team still planned to say my name, why couldn’t you just vote rogue? It’s not like anyone expects that we’d chose to go against you. That’s crazy talk.
Cara feels bad for me but she shouldn’t. I’m never a victim because I don’t allow myself to be. I’ve known where I stood with this group all along. I’m just in a dark, angry place right now as production forces me to get dressed for a night out. The bar is completely empty because we’re not allowed to speak to strangers and it’s just adding insult to injury as I have to listen to “TYB” chants after every fruity shot of Triple Sec they take. Like, Can you even? Triple. Sec.
Ashley decides to join me in the corner and asks why I’m upset. I don’t know, maybe every single team in the house is voting me in tomorrow. It’s pretty reasonable that I don’t want to be around them. I know eliminations are part of the challenge. I also know that I don’t f*ck with anyone right now, so let me live. Ashley lets me know she’s won one of these before, just like she lets anyone know within five minutes of meeting them. She says I need to accept elimination and that I shouldn’t light fires. Alexa, play every time Ash has started a fire on a Challenge. The New Yorker in me is starting to show.
Oh god. Now I’m crying? I’m an emotional drunk. Kidding. I’m always emotional. Big f*ck you to Shane who says a million dollars can buy him friends who are less crazy than me. Drinks are on YOU motherf*cker at the reunion this week. I hate that it seems like I’m desperate, but all I ever wanted was a conversation because I’m desperate. I wasn’t frustrated so much about going in as I expected my time was running short, I was frustrated that Sylvia (my friend who I talked to every day prior to the show, and even went on weekend getaways with) wouldn’t give me the time of day.
As I pull Sylvia aside again for the second time that night, I laugh as I watch myself transform into Marnie, my alter ego. Part of me feels as if I secretly enjoy being denied. Would totally make sense considering my lifelong list of unavailable crushes and men who will never be interested in me. On a positive note, my hair looks great here.
Back at the house, Cara’s making pizza, and that’s never a good sign for me. Sylvia tells me that I’m the only person freaking out while simultaneously freaking out herself. We do the chest bump thing that everyone does in this house and I hope that she hits me. I’ll take a bruise over an elimination ANY DAY. If it gets physical someone goes home, right Kailah? Seeing this footage makes me understand why it didn’t happen. I was clearly an antagonist in this situation and the headbutt, while a great throwback WWE move, really was weak AF.
“Did you just headbutt my partner?” “Noooo never.” I AM DEAD. I wish I would’ve fallen to the floor screaming like I used to back when I played soccer many, many, many, years ago. I am cracking up at how unbothered I am as I storm around like Dora The Explorer in my backpack. *shrugs* “Fine. f*ck you” *middle finger high* exits. The next day they made us film TJ warning us about physical altercations, so the “that’s my warning” line was in response to his. Is it weird that I’m my own biggest fan?
TJ shows up for the secret vote, but it’s no secret, Cara and I are 100% going in. Nelson knows that it’s down to the “needy greedy” and everyone votes for us as predicted. OUR TURN! Sorry about the turtle comment, Sylvia. No idea. Cara calls me her friend and what follows is my favorite moment from Final Reckoning… and that says A LOT. Now that NOBODY LIKES ME too, Cara can finally like me. Sylvia head butting me was just what the doctor ordered. Is it just me or does Cara seem fired up for the first time this season? Gotta be top five cutest challenge moments ever. Don’t @ me.
Cara and I have nothing to lose going into this elimination. We’re both fired up over recent events and even more fired up over our recent friendship. The board lights up and Cara is excited we finally won something. Let’s keep this momentum going! TJ tells me I’m a far cry from cigarettes and sadness and I blink twice with no expression and say “Thank you, TJ?” It’s time to see who our options are when a song I’ve never heard before (but will totally jam to) turns on and so does the board.
Everyone is worried about getting picked. And everyone has good reason to be. Cory and Devin just got here, Hunter’s been a b*tch aggressively coming for Cara (Not John) all season as he pretends, Sylvia, because the head thing, and Shane because he’s right when he says I’M PETTY.
Without discussing our options we look at each other and call down Shane and Nelson. Nelson’s final interview of the episode erases all the good he did earlier and I dislike him again. Here’s hoping we get those equalizers. GIRL POWER!
What’d you think of tonight’s episode? Best one yet?
#TeamCaraMARIE
Images: Giphy (3); MTV (5)
How do you do, fellow kids? Welcome back for another beautiful week of watching degenerates that MTV found passed out on a public bathroom floor make fools of themselves on TV. Look, I know I’m hard on these guys, but I will say that it is nice to break up my string of Dick Wolf shows with this train wreck. There’s only so much child murder I can watch before I need a little drunken debauchery palette cleanser, am I right? And on that note, let’s begin!
Right away we are reminded that Lewis told Asia that he’s not attracted to her. She declares she’s done with him, but she hadn’t previously gotten any of his not-so-subtle hints (aka having another girl suck his d*ck) that he wasn’t that into her, so who can say if this will stick, really?
In all seriousness though, I feel bad for both of them. Asia obviously liked Lewis so it sucks to hear that someone isn’t attracted to you, NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW. And Lewis was actually pretty straight-up with Asia AND was still trying to get to know her in case she was his match, even though she physically makes him about as excited as stale rye bread. Damn, if there weren’t nine other people still there for each of them to bang, I’d be feeling real depressed right about now.
Okay Cali calling herself a “power couple” right now with a dude that couldn’t even get it up for her and is wearing the same ripped skinny jeans I got at Anthropologie last week is KILLING ME. This is apparently enough for us, ladies. I swear 2018 gave us all lobotomies.
Over in the pool, Brett is still mourning the loss of what could have been with Cali.
Brett: I’m so sad about Cali
Brett to Nutsa:
Back on the couch, Zak, Morgan, and Morgan’s rogue weave are making out. But apparently this is too “boring” for Zak, who prefers drama in a relationship. You know what, let the boy have his drama, I say! Let him be verbally assaulted. Let him get 175 drunken late night phone calls. Let him be strangled slowly in what Bria will later claim was a consensual sexual encounter. It’s what he deserves. And then at least this dumbass will finally be out of my face.
And like the bottom-feeding leech she is, Bria notices Zak’s “boredom” and decides to stir the pot. TBH I would think this was all pretty hilarious if I wasn’t so sure that this was going to turn into an episode of Snapped. It’s all fun and games until someone’s house gets burned to the ground.
Over on the floor full of mattresses, Nutsa and Brett decide to finally relieve the sexual tension by hooking up next to Jasmine’s head. Which is the most action she’s gotten since that Tevin paint night, so I’m sure she’s not complaining.
We’ve made it to morning and Asia is making what looks like delicious cinnamon rolls. Lewis! Get her back while you can! Do you really need to be sexually attracted to someone, or can you take the good stuff from a relationship and ignore the rest? If Melania can do it, so can you!
In the bathroom, Nutsa reveals to Jasmine that she sucked Brett’s d*ck last night and like, duh she already knows, Nutsa. You got a little spit in her hair. Nutsa is very proud of herself and thinks that they should all be sucking more d*ck on this show. I’m sure the men would not disagree.
Papa T enters the building and reminds our contestants that they are about as good at this game as my CEO is at not commenting on female employees’ “figures”. He has decided that they’re going to switch up they way they pick dates YET AGAIN because no one at MTV thought out how terribly f*cking insane this fate button idea was and now they’re trying to backtrack as much as possible without admitting they were doing lines of coke during the pre-show meetings. So today fate will choose the women, and then the women will choose the men. Can they choose mozzarella sticks instead? Asking for a friend.
Fate chooses Nutsa and Bria, and somehow Bria convinces everyone that Brett and Zak should go on the date with them. Damn! The devil works hard, but Bria works harder. Meanwhile, Brett is freaking out and telling Asia he doesn’t think Nutsa is his match and to “get the house under control.” GREAT, BRETT. That’s Information that would have been useful to them YESTERDAY.
It also seems they got one over on Papa Terry who I expected to be VERY disappointed in this manipulation, but he seems to have no idea what’s going on. The showrunners must have passed him some of their drugs.
Our crew is canoeing on the date, and Nutsa likes it because it was so beautiful and romantic in The Notebook. You know, the movie where they both die in the end. Oh sorry, was that a spoiler?!
Just leaving this here to remind you that NONE of these dudes will ever be Ryan Gosling. And don’t you forget it, Zak.
On the date, Nutsa and Zak break off on their own to chat, but then SOMEHOW Bria and Zak get to hang out as well. Where did Brett go? Did they make him stay in the canoe and think about what he’s done? Bria and Zak start making out. Ya know, I used to wonder what Zak saw in Bria, but now I don’t anymore. I’ve decided I don’t think Zak sees anything in anyone. I think if a wall tried to make out with him he would do it. Until he decided that wall was too drama-free for him and the other wall started giving him the eye so he went to make out with that one. AND SO ON AND SO ON UNTIL WE ALL DIE.
Finally Brett gets some time to hang out with Nutsa and he uses it to tell her he thinks she’s hot but not deep. Maybe you just weren’t listening while you sprayed champagne on her tits, huh Brett? Anyways, Nutsa decides to open up to Brett a lot and tells him that her parents came over when she was 12 and sacrificed everything for her. She doesn’t say where they came from, but I can only imagine it was Whoville.
Back at the house Papa T asks how the date was. Brett and Nutsa are glowing and now everyone at the house is pissed because he told them not to put them in the truth booth together. And it looks like his subterfuge worked, because the house picked Nutsa and Zak to go in the truth booth.
Zak and Nutsa are not a match! How long until the mob kills Brett? 30 seconds, you think?
Okay so it has officially become the week in the show where someone decides they need to go week by week and figure out who sat together. A tip for next season’s cast: why don’t you start this strategy as soon as you get there? Just spitballing ideas here!
The next day Cali gathers the crew around and tells them her strategy. She basically suggests splitting up the “power couples” to see who the beams really were. Again, I love that they continue to call themselves “power couples” as if they are Beyoncé and Ja- Z and not just two drunks from Florida with GED’s.
We’ve made it to the match-up ceremony and it’s the guys’ week to choose. Let’s see how this one goes.
- Brett chooses Nutsa
- Daniel chooses Samantha
- Tevin chooses Kenya
- Andrew chooses Lauren
Papa T calls Zak down and asks him how the date went with Bria. Zak, you might as well just cut off your own balls now, because if you answer this question someone’s gonna do it. Like the dummy he is, Zak admits he made out with Bria and honestly he’s just lucky that Morgan doesn’t carry around a rusty spoon in that crop top. Because then he picks her as his match. Such a lucky girl!!
It’s at this point in the match-up ceremony that Cali proudly declares there’s a strategy to this madness, and Terry is not pleased. He doesn’t want them to use strategy, he wants them to play with their hearts! I don’t know why he keeps saying this. They are playing with their hearts! They’re just at a disadvantage because their hearts are weighed down by tequila. Tequila hearts are dumb hearts.
- Lewis picks Bria
- Moe picks Jasmine
- Kwasi picks Asia
- Cam picks Cali
- Tomas picks Kayla
Now it’s time to see how many beams they get and Papa Terry reminds them if they’re right they could win One! Million! Dollars! That’s cute, T. But they won’t get this right and they’re never winning a million dollars. And if they do, it’s actually a million dollars divided by 22 divided by taxes divided by whatever they owe their drug dealers. They’ll have enough left for a pack of gum. Moving on!
And the crew gets one beam! And then they leave us on that cliffhanger, because it’s not bad enough that I just ate all the chocolate chip cookies left in my cabinet on what my enemies are calling national boyfriend day, but now I have to wait to see if Cam and Kayla will get to be together forever. Papa Terry, can you PLEASE give MTV a stern lecture for me? See you all next week!
Images: Giphy (3)
