Happy 2019, everybody! While some people might set resolutions to lose weight or stop sh*t-talking their boss on gchat, the worst people to ever come out of the great state of NJ, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Jen Harley, decided to start their new year with new assault charges. That’s right, everyone’s favorite walking felonies are having a doozy of a 2019 so far, and it feels like a roller coaster ride. But not like, a fun roller coaster. Like the roller coaster you wait on line for for 4 hours, then goes upside down more times than you expected, and instead of it being awesome you throw up on your crush next to you. (Not that that’s ever happened to me, right SIX FLAGS?!). Since it’s such a wild ride, I’m here to breakdown WTF is going on with Ronnie and Jen. But please know that by the time this article is published, they could have already gotten back together and conceived another oops baby.

Let’s begin our beautiful tale on New Year’s Eve. While I was insisting that people take pictures of me with “my date,” aka a stranger’s Westie named Toby at the all-couples party I attended, Ronnie and Jen were out finding new ways to make a nine-month-old baby learn the meaning of shame. According to E!, “they got in a huge fight and she threw something at his head.” Please make a mental note, as this will play into the story later. The article doesn’t say if their daughter Ariana Sky was present for this fight, but I can only imagine she was, because Ronnie will want a witness to testify on his behalf. Even if he has to subpoena her.

She certainly can throw things, huh?

Next, TMZ reported that Ronnie is a person of interest in an alleged burglary at Jen’s house. Apparently Jen returned home after their altercation to find that her house had been ransacked, and the flat screen TV was smashed. Oh no! How will they watch themselves verbally abuse each other on Thursday nights? Tbh I’m a little suspicious of this break-in, considering Jen called Ronnie saying she had been burglarized earlier this season on Jersey Shore. How many fake times can one person’s house be broken into before they learn to dump their toxic relationship lock their doors?!

And finally, last night, People reported that Ronnie filed a police report alleging that Jen threw an ashtray at his head. She was mad about something she saw on his phone (obviously some other girl’s nudes), lunged at him, and as he left, she threw an ashtray that busted his nose and lip. And of course, this all happened at a strip club! This location reveal doesn’t change my earlier assertion that Ariana was there, because these are the kind of people that would definitely bring their baby to a strip club.  Teach ‘em early! But seriously, who would start their year off at a strip club? You have a small child! Just order Postmates and stay in with your kid! If Ronnie really didn’t want to start a fight, perhaps they should have had a family-friendly dinner at IHOP instead. At the very least they probably have less ashtrays there.

There you have it! It looks like 2019 is already looking bleak for the Ortiz-Magro-Harley clan. But hey, I’m sure 2020 will be Ronnie and Jen’s year!

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (2)

Christmas came a little early this year people because the new season of MTV’s Ex on the Beach premiers TONIGHT at 8pm ET and it’s about to be more lit than my Aunt Alice at Christmas dinner. If you’re new to the show then I’m here to publicly shame you here’s the premise: a bunch of unsuspecting singles show up to get trashed on a beach for a few weeks because that’s the broken world we live in and is apparently the only way we can meet anyone these days. The “unsuspecting singles” are all former reality dating rejects (think some of your favorites from The Bachelorette, Are You The One?, Big Brother, and more) who just “want to find love” and a new Instagram branding partnership. Just when they start to open up to someone and prove that they’re not the emotionally stunted circus animals we’ve come to know and love, surprise! The craziest ex MTV’s budget could track down shows up to literally and metaphorically take a blowtorch to whatever scraps of happiness they’ve managed to find. It’s like what I do on a Saturday night, but these people are actually getting paid for it. Fun!

And in honor of the premiere, we spoke with the man, the myth, the meathead Chad Johnson from ABC’s The Bachelorette because—brace yourselves, betches—he’s back on reality TV and DATING AGAIN. God help us all. In the interview we talked about his return to TV with Ex on a Beach, which Bachelor girls are sliding into his DMs, and if he’s still using meats as a coping mechanism. So, let’s see what he had to say!

So we all watched you on The Bachelorette and The Bachelor in Paradise. Did you always want to be on reality TV?
No, not really. It was never so much a plan of mine. I mean I had acted and modeled before, back in 2006, and so I kind of always had it in the back of my mind. I always thought that I would end up having done something from becoming really, really, really wealthy off of some business move and I then I would just be some crazy personality of some rich guy living out in LA or something and I’d get known that way. I didn’t know that it would be through reality TV before I made my millions, you know what I mean?

Yeah, so I’m guessing you never thought you’d find love on reality TV then?
Right, no. Um, that all came about because I had just got done taking care of my mom who had passed away from cancer and reality TV came about because that was the first time I really had the opportunity to date since I had been taking care of her. You know, she had just recently passed away right before I started filming The Bachelorette.

Speaking of The Bachelorette, I know you took a little break from reality dating after Bachelor in Paradise, but now you’re back! So tell us about your new show, Ex on the Beach.
Ex on the Beach was super fun. It’s a totally different world than being on The Bachelor. It’s wild, it’s crazy, but I loved the realness of it and I loved the realness of the people. I made some awesome friends. I mean, even with my friends I had some crazy fights. So you’ll see that for sure.

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Ex On The Beach is coming, just a little over a week away. Tune in Thursday December 20th on MTV (5pm pst, 7pm central, 8pm eastern time) #exonthebeach #eotb

A post shared by Chad Johnson (@realchadjohnson) on Dec 11, 2018 at 11:13am PST

So, wait, how did you not know that your ex would end up on the beach? Like, how did they get you out there?
Yeah, I had no idea. The way I thought it was supposed to go was, I was just told that it was going to be an untitled dating project. So I thought, “okay, it’s something where I’m gonna be having drinks on a beach somewhere at a mansion, hanging out, and maybe just hooking up and having fun.” And then, they dropped the ex bomb on us, and from there we knew that they had done some research on us. You know, they must have found some way to track down the girls I’d been dating over the last couple years after the shows.

Is JoJo one of the exes who will show up? Please say yes.
Ha. JoJo is not one of the exes. I haven’t talked to that girl since the reunion actually.

What about Lace?
No, no. Nah, I’m done with Bachelor girls. If I want to date a Miss America pageant girl I’ll go to a Miss America pageant. Or I’ll just get on my Instagram DMs.

So who do you have your eye on this season?
So, I mean this season I tried to basically be open to anything. The first day, every girl was good looking so I talked to every girl there. I think you can kind of quickly tell who’s cool and who’s really not. The first few hours there it’s like you don’t want to hit on anybody because you want to figure out whether anybody’s cool or not.

So, like, I talked to Farrah and quickly realized that I, uh, did not want to talk to Farrah. Then I talked to Morgan, and I’ve navigated those waters before. A pretty blonde, white chick is easy for me to get to know her, what to say and do, and it’s just kind of typical for me. That’s what I know and that’s what was easiest at the time, to do what you know. So, like, if you eat chicken every day and then you go to an unfamiliar place then you’re gonna eat chicken.

So I talked to her and then I talked to Nicole—she was beautiful. I knew she was gonna take a little bit more work to get to know because she’s more closed off in terms of initially meeting people and I could tell that. So I knew I wanted to get to know her a little bit but I knew it would take more time.

So let’s get to the drama because I’m a messy bitch and live for that sh*t. You’ve mentioned flirting with Farrah and a few other girls, and I watched the trailer and it looks like you’re already playing two girls. Can you give us any hookup details?
Um I mean you’ll just to watch. So some stuff happens and I think it’s pretty abrupt and I think you’ll see that when you watch it. It’s drama and it’s messy, but it’s messy in a very, like, “Oh sh*t! Okay!” type of way.  

So would you say you’ve changed your ways after your Bachelor days or are you back on your bullsh*t?
Am I back on my bullsh*t? Uh, I mean, ever since The Bachelor, I’m older now. It’s been like two and a half, three years, and I’m in a different head space now, you know? My mother didn’t just pass away. I’m not in that angry, grieving stage like I was. I went through a period of three years just dating a lot, you know? So I’m not really in that stage anymore.

I think the show did actually help me learn a bit about myself. I learned to take people’s emotions seriously whereas, you know, before I was just hopping around from Instagram girl to Instagram girl for the last few years. And I think I actually grew with the show and now I’m just focused on my businesses—my health and fitness company, my podcast—and then maybe I’m dating somebody. So you’ll just have to wait and see that on the show.

So speaking of the show, what else can we expect from you this season? You talked about hooking up, but will there be any more fights? Or any bromances over meat?
Oh there’s definitely some meat involved. I think I punted some meat, I stole some meat, so, ah, that was fun. The ex girlfriend situation was unpredictable and that ex comes in and she’s not quite who I thought she was so that’s kind of interesting. There was a lot of fights, there was a lot of arguing but it was, like, in good fun. Even when people were mad we were still having fun, you know what I mean? Everybody was always fighting and I didn’t understand what they were fighting about because 99 percent of their fights were so stupid and, like, petty so I would just run in and just watch and laugh and try and figure out what dumb sh*t they were fighting over now.

So you are back on your bullsh*t, you just weren’t the instigator this time.
Nah. See that’s my thing I’m never the instigator. I’m a reactor. You know you mess with me, sure, I’ll mess with you back. You come at me, I’ll come at you back harder. In this show it didn’t happen to me too much where people were really coming at me. I mean, don’t get me wrong—there were some instances where people do come at me wrong, and I come at them, but for the most part it wasn’t like The Bachelor where every day I’m being attacked by people. And where I feel like I’m fighting for my life basically.    

Interesting. So is there any other tea you can spill for us?
Just be on the watch for Nicole’s, ahem, untapped crazy. 

And lastly—and most importantly—what is your favorite meat?
I’m gonna have to say, like, steak. I mean, I eat chicken every day but a good steak at the end of every week has got to be the best. Hard to find in a deli meat, but by far the most delicious.

So I guess some things never change. Well we can’t wait to see you bring the drama this season.
Yeah, but I think people are gonna see a different side of me and they’ll see that really I’m, like, a lighthearted, fun guy who does have emotions. I’m not an angry jerk. I think it’ll be a lot of laughs and a lot of fun and people will get to see a totally different side of me than they’ve ever seen before.

So there you have it, people, Hell has frozen over The Chad has changed! Don’t forget, Ex on the Beach premiers tonight on MTV at 8pm ET, but you can also catch Chad recapping and talking sh*t after each episode on his new podcast “Chad’s World”. 

Images: Giphy (1); @realchadjohnson /Instagram (1)

Well, fellow hostages, it seems my gleeful goodbyes last week were premature. There is a reunion. OF COURSE THERE’S A REUNION. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that we would need to hear about what happened immediately after watching what happened. So instead of binge watching the last three episodes of Bodyguard tonight, I will sit here and watch perfect matches systematically rip each other to bits by using their biggest insecurities against them. Oh wait. Now that I put it that way, this sounds like a blast. Shall we dive right in?

Papa T welcomes us to the reunion with clips from the season WE JUST WATCHED. Oh Papa T, you don’t need to remind me how terrifying Bria was. I see her vacant stare in my nightmares. Apparently this reunion was held in New York, and now I am fuming since I didn’t get an invite. What’s a girl gotta do to get a ticket to something around here? Not talk sh*t about the show and everyone who worked on it for 12 weeks in a row or something? As if!  

As the perfect matches walk in, I make a few observations. Morgan invested in a new weave with her prize money and girl it was money WELL SPENT. And it appears all of our contestants time traveled back to 2001, got their outfits at Wet Seal, and were told the aesthetic was “trying to get laid at your junior prom after-party.”

Right off the bat, Terry asks Maria and Shamoy how their time in the honeymoon suite was. Nutsa swoops in to tell everyone that right after they got to the honeymoon suite, Shamoy told Maria he had a girlfriend back home. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Who vets these people, MTV? Lol sorry, my mistake. I didn’t mean to assume you put any effort into this casting at all.

Papa T to Shamoy:

Terry then moves on to the “taking questions from social media” portion of the evening. Sure. Why prepare for your job when you can rely on the questions strangers came up with on the toilet?

The cast is asked who the most surprising match was (Asia and Tomas), which then leads Daniel to say that Sam was too possessive of him over the season and he would have liked to talk to more girls. As if he wasn’t willing to let her suck his d*ck all season. Sure, Jan.

And that’s it for that portion of the reunion. I guess they could only find one intelligible question from Twitter for this whole segment, which actually sounds about right.

We return from the commercial break and Terry has Brett, Nutsa, Cali, Andrew, and Tomas on the couch with him. Delightful.

Tomas and Cali announce that they’re dating now. Poor Andrew, lost his perfect match and he looks like a total nerd tonight. I preferred him with the sunburn.

Terry sets his sights on Nutsa and Brett, and before she can get a word out he’s contradicting her. Terry has immediately lost control of the room. And then Zak starts to attack Nutsa on Brett’s behalf and winks at Brett like he’s doing him a favor. Dude, nooooo. Literally no one wants your help. Satan would turn you down. Nutsa threatens to personally sh*t on Zak and once again I thank her for her service.

Now the whole cast is saying that Nutsa is mean for going on social media and making fun of Morgan’s wig. Oh, whoops. Y’all aren’t going to like this recap I don’t think.

I’m glad to see everyone is drinking out of Solo cups during the commercial break. I feel like MTV thinks these people are like cars, and they won’t perform unless you fill them up with $20 of regular unleaded Malibu rum. Which is probably not far from the truth.

Tevin, Kenya, and Jasmine have now made their way to the hot seat. Kenya made a flattering color change to her hair, but I’m not into whatever is going on on Tevin’s head.

Kenya and Jasmine go at it a little, but admit they’re cool now. Apparently they even drunkenly made out.

Terry:

You guys, Tevin is smizing so hard into this camera right now he’s giving Tyra a run for her money. He might as well be holding up a sign that says, “Agents! Available for bookings! Will do nudes! Call me at 555-555-5555.”

And there sure is a scandal here. When Terry asks why Kenya and Tevin are not together, Jasmine shouts “DIANDRA.” You all might remember her from last season. God this cast is as incestuous as a CW show, they are all sleeping together and then one day someone will give birth to twin babies that fly.

A refresher:

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Holaaa????????????????????????????

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This is Diandra. (Also, you’re welcome for finding this, Diandra decided to make her Insta private this morning just to piss me off). Perhaps you should picture her with whipped cream in her mouth though, because apparently Tevin “ate some out of her mouth.” Dude, just spray it right from the can like the rest of us and then maybe your girlfriend won’t cut off your balls. Just a suggestion!!

Okay, Papa T actually has some even more inspiring advice for Jasmine than Nutsa had all season. He makes her repeat to the camera that she is “dope as f*ck” which is so dorky and only convinces me more that Papa T will be a very caring father with a ridiculous wardrobe and stupid job.

Now on the couch we have Samantha and Daniel, and it appears that even Sam’s disturbing obsession with Daniel’s sweat glands couldn’t keep them together.

We start off hot when Sam says Daniel wasn’t good at sex. He says she was spiteful and she asks him how she is spiteful. I would like to point to the part of this reunion where he said they weren’t good together so she said he wasn’t good at sex. THAT’S SPITE, SAMMY.

Apparently Sam is back with her douchey ex who I can’t remember that much about but like I think he was really blonde? The only reason that sticks out to me is because I find grown men with naturally very blonde hair to be unsettling. It’s a personal problem, I know.

Terry then turns to Asia and Lewis and asks if she feels bad that she made up a rumor about Daniel to get Sam to not pick him at the match up.

Asia:

Literally everyone applauds her. I put down my cheese plate to do the same.  

Now they’re taking questions from the audience. God, TERRENCE. You really just rolled out of bed and came to do this show, didn’t you? How would YOU feel if instead of writing this recap I just copied and pasted tweets about the reunion into WordPress? Hold up—can I do that? Editor?

Apparently I cannot. Anyways. Crystal from Long Island, that lucky b*tch that did get a ticket to the reunion, asks Asia how Lewis’ rejection affected her confidence and her ability to move on. Asia was like “I knew he wasn’t my match.” I am impressed by how well she handled this because if someone said that to me I would turn my apartment into a dark cave of sadness, never leaving my bed again except to tell the Seamless delivery man that he can just leave my food outside the door.

Now on the hot seat we have Cam, Kayla, Moe, Kwasi, and Lauren. We are shown clips of the whole Cam/Kayla saga in case anyone sustained brain damage between this week and last week. Terry asks them their relationship status, like he is a 14-year-old girl filling out her first Facebook profile. They are not in a relationship but are still two perfectly lovely people, one definitely on uppers, and one a future president of his frat.

Papa T tells Moe that even though everyone on his season of the show thought he was a disgusting troll, ladies on the internet were really into him. Hey! Are you talking about me, T? Moe says thank you and I also notice that he got a haircut and looks fine. HOW’S THAT FOR INTERNET FANS?!

Okay so now they are getting into the Kwasi/Cam fight. Apparently Cam got mad because Kwasi used the word “bag” but it was just a misunderstanding because in West Virginia it apparently means “to get to know,” but in Jersey it means “to have intercourse.” Look I’m from Jersey too and I have never once used the word “bag”. Should I have been doing that all along? TBH though everything I say is intended to mean “to have intercourse,” so why not throw another word into my lexicon?

Papa T moves the convo over to Lauren, who apparently is also back with her ex. But seriously, can I hire a research company or something to crunch some numbers for me? How many people get back with their ex after being on Are You The One? And how many hook up with a cast member from another season? How many end up on another MTV reality show? And how many spend their money responsibly? Spoiler alert: That last answer is zero.

Oh no. We’ve returned and it’s time to talk about Zak. Could we just spare ourselves the horror and go to the gynecologist or something else more pleasant?

Bria, Morgan, and Zak are on the couch and Papa T delicately asks Bria if she thinks she overreacted at all during the season. Then he motions for security to come stand in front of him. She blames her behavior on caring too much. Mmmkay. I think there’s a line between “caring too much,” and “intricately plotting someone else’s death” that got crossed this season, but maybe that’s just me.

Morgan says that Zak treated her terribly but at least he’s self-aware. LOL. I wonder if she thinks self-aware means sanctimonious prick? I hope she spent some of her winnings on a dictionary.

YOU GUYS. Listen to this! After the show, Zak sent Nutsa a one-way ticket to Texas, told her to quit her job, and convinced her to move in with him. AND SHE DID. NUTSA! I had so much faith in you! And guess what, he f*cked her over! I’ve never been less shocked about something in my life.

Then Papa T asked Zak if he hooked up with women from other seasons, because he’s a kind, kind man who wants me to have as much material as possible with which to mock the preeminent man-whore of our time. WHAT! You guys!! He hooked up with Geles from last season, and with Nilsa! One of my girls from Floribama Shore! NILSA! What about Gus? Gus is a diamond in the rough and Zak is an empty Doritos bag on the hot concrete. You foolish, foolish girl.

And Zak hooked up with Shanley from Season 1! How much time was in between their season and this reunion? Because I don’t think I’ve hooked up with this many people in like years, let alone in a few weeks’ time. And turns out he did the same thing to Shanley that he did to Nutsa! Exsqueeze me? Did Zak just spend all his winnings on flying girls out to Texas and then ripping their hearts out with his bare hands?

Okay so Shanley shows up and tells us that it’s over with Zak but says she wants to give us some context as to why she is there. Oh god. I’m scared. PLEASE DO NOT LET THE SPAWN OF ZAK BE IN HER WOMB.

Holy sh*t, she says Zak threatened to leak revenge porn of her. But he says he didn’t actually record anything he just told her that “as a threat” to scare her.

Me RN:

Okay Sam and Bria are kind of defending him right now and I have to put a stop to this right here. To the very small number of ladies reading this right now, NO. Do not defend a dude who threatened to release revenge porn of another woman! Who cares that he didn’t actually have it! (Which I don’t believe anyways.) I honestly can’t even think of something mean enough to say about Zak. He’s not even worth the time it would take for me to come up with a creative way to say he’s worse than the trash floating in the suspicious puddle I saw on a seat on the subway this morning. F*ck you Zak. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Nutsa calls Zak a sociopath and I am with her. I compared him to Ted Bundy last week and I stand by that and I think Nutsa would agree.

Now Terry gives Zak the chance to talk because we’re all just DYING to hear this manipulative prick explain why HE was wronged by the girl he threatened to release revenge porn of. Papa T asks Zak if he will ever change.

(Joey, I’m sorry I compared you to this loser but I couldn’t find a gif of the devil shrugging.)

On the commercial break, Zak is gleeful about how sh*tty he is. Seriously MTV, if I see him on a show again I will at the very least send your office multiple glitter bombs. Try cleaning that up, assholes.

We have finally made it to the conclusion, let me briefly summarize what is said:

• Everyone agrees Bria and Zak were the worst fight in the house
• Sam and Cali made up in the airport
• Everyone would do it again even without the money (probs because the alcohol is free)

And that’s all folks! This was all fun and games until someone threatened to release revenge porn, huh? I hope you all enjoyed the drama as much as I did, and as Terrence J says, we’re all going to die alone never give up on love!

Images: MTV; Giphy (5); @anthonymartin9 / Instagram

Hello, friends! Welcome back. You know what time it is! Time for me to spend hours finding creative ways to say “and then they got black out and hooked up.” Let’s see what I come up with this week, shall we?!

We immediately return to the truth booth, scanning Tevin and Kenya for STD’s to see if they’re a match. And they’re a perfect match! The crowd goes wild! Kenya climbs Tevin like a tree! The heavens sob and say “we didn’t mean for this to happen.” True love is dead.

Okay serious question though. Kenya went on this show because she is bad at finding love, right? She needed matchmakers to help her find her perfect man. And the man they picked out for her…looks exactly like her ex-boyfriend? How does this make sense?

In honor of their second perfect match of the season, the gang decides to party. Kayla declares that “love is in the air! It’s everywhere!” No, honey. I think that’s someone’s bodily fluids.

All the girls are asking Kenya the secret to love, as she is now an all-knowing love guru who definitely didn’t suck someone else’s d*ck while dating her perfect match. Kenya tells Sam the key is to “be vulnerable” and Sam is skeptical. Remain skeptical, Sam. Do not trust Kenya. She is a fugly slut.

The next morning, Kwasi sets up a picnic for Jasmine to show her how much he wants to bang her cares about her. And by sets up a picnic, I mean throws some producer-paid-for champagne in a basket to loosen Jasmine up. Kwasi asks her “so, will you be my girlfriend?” which was mildly cute but follows that up by saying he “still has the beast in him” and I’d like to nope right out of this conversation.

In the kitchen, Sam is making food for Daniel. I’m sorry, but is she cooking frozen french fries in a skillet? Is that a thing? I wouldn’t know because I haven’t touched a pan since Seamless was invented years ago, but it still feels wrong. Chefs, hit me up in the comments pls.

Now it’s time for the matchup ceremony. Papa T and his bird shirt welcome us and remind us that they are here to find love and sell their souls to the reality TV devil to win one million dollars. It’s the ladies’ week to pick.

• Asia picks Daniel. She knows he doesn’t want pan-fried french fries for the rest of his life. His sweaty ass deserves oven baked. Sam is obviously not pleased.
• Lauren picks Cam
• Bria grabs Lewis by the balls—excuse me, I mean picks Lewis
• Sam picks Andrew
• Kayla picks Moe
• Cali picks Zak. Zak uses this time to apologize to Morgan for his behavior and its like different day, same sh*t. SIT. DOWN.
• Morgan picks Tomas
• Nutsa, looking like the adorable Minnie Mouse that she is, picks Brett. Brett, looking like the douchebag he’s proven himself to be, says he thinks Nutsa likes him more than he likes her. SIT. DOWN.
• Jasmine picks Kwasi.

And the gang gets four beams! The two perfect matches that they already know, and two new matches. They all hang their heads in shame. Papa Terry is upset, and he reminds them they only have 2 more weeks to get it right. Papa T won’t yell at them, though, he will just stand solemnly by and let Maria ream them out. Things sure must look easy from that honeymoon suite at the motel six, huh Maria? After that light verbal abuse, Papa T sends them back to the house to do work.

The entire gang wants to strategize when they get back, in hopes of salvaging what is left of this sinking season.

Cali during this whole interaction:

After some drinks, Morgan decides that even though Zak has treated her like the dirt stuck to the gum stuck to his shoe, she wants to have sex with him because she’s horny. Jasmine lectures Morgan about self-respect while lounging in her Spanx catsuit, which is lightly accentuating the lines of her labia. In this same conversation, Jasmine also reveals that she uses her vibrator every night before she goes to bed. Exsqueeze me? This is NOT an environment conducive to vibrators! They’re all on mattresses on the ground up against one another. Why do I have a feeling that poor sweet Moe is the one that has to listen to her moaning “Oh, Tevin” every night?

And then Morgan goes and bangs Zak in the boom boom room. I swear, Zak is the luckiest man alive.

In the morning, everyone finds out and they’re all pissed and claim Zak’s ruining the game. Asia is also pissed at Morgan and is screaming at her for banging someone who she thinks isn’t her match. Alright Asia, can you stop bullying people for like A SEC and maybe find your own match? Mind. Your. Business.

Papa T shows up and reminds them about the fate button with a giggle. At this point in the season even he can’t say it with a straight face, and he spent many years training at Juilliard for this very moment. That’s how dumb it is. Fate picks Jasmine, Samantha, Cam, and Tomas to go on the group date.

Tomas is already a negative Nancy, convinced neither of these girls are his match. What lucky ladies to be on a date with this charmer!

Sam and Cam get to talking and they realize they could be each other’s match. And I hope they are, because there’s nothing I love more than a rhyming couple. Just ask my best friend Devon and her husband Kevin. It’s precious.

Now Cam is talking to Jasmine, and I actually think these ladies are lucky to be on this date because they got Cam. So you can go shave your back now, Tomas.

They all get back together in the house and Papa T wants to hear about the dates. Cam admits that he and Jasmine did kiss and now the Kwasi beast is roaring. Papa Terry doesn’t care because he’s just so happy people are opening their hearts!

The group voted Sam and Cam into the truth booth. Every time I type this I want to write trooth booth so my apologies for any typos you’ve noticed over the course of this season. Sam and Cam head on into the booth and they want to see perfect match because duh, MONEY. They know no love they find with a fellow trash bag on MTV will ever be worth more than the couple grand in their pocket if they win.

And they’re not a match! Truth Booth: 1, Rhyming Couples: 0. Everyone is ready to black out again!

Lewis: “Aren’t y’all sick of drinking?”
Me: 

After the truth booth, Jasmine apologizes for hurting Kwasi’s feelings, but she does not apologize for playing the game. She starts crying and says she didn’t want to put “all her pebbles in the same f*cking thing,” which is DEFINITELY the correct phrase. Kwasi can not forgive her because he has a myriad of issues, especially ANGER.  He leaves Jasmine there crying, and Nutsa, the brightest light in a lacy bralette, comes to give her a hug and cheer her up.

Kwasi ends the night screaming and losing his sh*t, sobbing outside into the lap of a producer wearing bunny ears (?). Guys, did I just accidentally take shrooms or is this something that actually happened? I guess we’ll find out next week!

Images: Giphy (3)

All right people, we’re back at it for another week! And by back at it, I mean our gang of lovable losers is blacking out and hooking up, and I’m trying not to get any potato chips on my computer. Thus far I’ve been successful, but the keys are greasy. Let’s begin!

Oh yes!! The “previously on” segment reminds me that we were left hanging last week. We’re waiting to see if the strategy devised by a girl who called Brett by the name of Zak for an entire argument worked. Needless to say, I don’t have a lot of faith.

And the gang gets four beams! Which means that Cali’s strategy did actually kind of work. But it also proved that she picked the wrong person as her perfect match, so I stand by my earlier statement that implied she was a dummy. So let’s break down what this actually tells us: Cam and Kayla are not a match, and Cali and Tomas are not a match. And Tevin and Kenya might still be. I’m not sure what else it tells us, though, because I guess I’m a dummy too.

Kenya and Tevin are feeling real smug about this outcome right now, and it’s making them about 900% more annoying than they usually are. Fun!

Cam and Kayla go outside to figure out what this means for them. They are sad. Cam says he told Kayla things he never told anyone else, and I’m betting it’s definitely about what happened in the basement during rush. They decide they’re going to stay together as a couple but also play this game. So like, what does that mean? Can he get a blowie or nah?

Back inside, Morgan is pissed at Zak. He promises not to kiss other people anymore. LOL his promises are worth about as much as Morgan’s hair extensions. 

Outside, Cali and Tomas are talking about how they’re not a match. Here’s how it goes.

Tomas: I’m so sad I don’t know how I can carry on
Cali: 

Kwasi, Daniel, and Lewis decide to pull Moe aside and tell him he needs to start stepping up and looking for his match. Okay, but collectively between these guys, we have one that’s hooked up with Samantha and one that got his d*ck sucked by Kenya and THAT’S IT. So we’re not really talking to the love experts over here. Moe decides he’ll pursue Kayla, and I’m already worried for him because she’s over in the corner, breasts being peppered with kisses from Cam, undeterred by the fact they’re not a match. Sweet, sweet Moe. I fear you’re about to get your heart broken.

Sam sets up a scavenger hunt for Daniel and it’s flashing me back to my sorority days when I would show up at chapter, make fun of everyone, and then not participate in dumbass activities like these! Enjoy, Daniel!

Daniel is getting a little thrown off since the cameraman is following him. Yes, Daniel. That’s what’s been happening for the last few weeks, ARE YOU ONLY JUST NOW NOTICING?! How much has he been drinking? This scavenger hunt shockingly leads Daniel to the bedroom where Sam is waiting for him, dressed as a dominatrix who is attracted to sweaty, smelly men.

Papa T shows up, so you know what time it is. No, not time for a stern lecture about getting their grades up, but time for fate to f*ck some more sh*t up. Fate chooses Tevin and Kwasi and to everyone’s SURPRISE, Kenya and Morgan. How LUCKY! She always lands on the couples they want! If this is how fate works, I’m taking her to Vegas and treating her to the penny slots. Mama needs a new car!

Papa T announces that they will be ATV’ing for the date but then announces a surprise that he’s throwing the crew A PARTY! Wait, was this not a party all along? Was this a medical conference? Why do they pretend that something they do every night is special? Oh I’m sorry, now that I see them getting ready I realize that a party means more glitter. I’d also say maybe they oil themselves up, but I’m looking at Daniel, and we all know from Sam he is a SWEATY MAN so perhaps it’s just his natural juices.

Okay things are getting very soft-core porn-y at this party. Is this what Papa T intended? I would think he’d be very disappointed in all the genital-to-genital contact going on here.

Kwasi and Jasmine, with an assist from tequila, are starting to really get along.

Cam is a hot commodity at his party, apparently his dance moves are really turning the ladies on. Also he’s very sweaty so everybody keep Samantha away!

Cali is also getting her freak on and attracting the attention of, you guessed it, ZAK!! That motherf*cker who just promised Morgan he wouldn’t make out with anyone else. THAT VERY SAME ONE. He starts telling Cali she could be his match and trying to get her to make out with him!!! Morgan overhears all of this and has finally decided to stop being Zak’s doormat in and confronts him saying “So you’re saying Cali’s what you need, not me?!”

Me rn:

And guys, it gets BETTER!! Nutsa is cracking me up right now! Yelling “Morgan! Love yourself b*tch! Nobody else is going to do it for you!” all the while grinding up on some dude. Multi-tasking! I’m legit recording that and playing it for myself any time I’m feeling down. And you know what, Nutsa’s voice is actually growing on me. It’s kind of endearing.

Morgan is done with Zak, and I am SO GLAD. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Zak will f*ck whatever is in front of him. Hide your dogs! Hide your sandwiches!

Guys, I appreciate Moe so much. He is really trying! And he’s been so nice to Kayla.

Daniel and Cali start dry humping on the dance floor, so I’m sure Sam’s earrings are gonna be coming off soon for a fight. Oh! No they’re not. She’s crying! Now I feel bad. How dare that sweaty man treat her like this?!

Oh WAIT! The earrings have come off! Sam is confronting Cali and poses the age-old question: “Do you think it’s okay to rub your vagina on my guy’s d*ck?!” Unfortunately Sam, I think the answer to that is yes, because she was just doing it. For a while, actually.

Okay I’m starting to think Papa T threw this party and he knew just what would happen. Perhaps he’s less wholesome than he lets on. Because DAMN people are freaking out left and right. Now Tevin is flirting with Jasmine. Did they spike all the drinks with Viagra or something?? Because all the dudes be thinking with their d*cks tonight. And now Kenya is upset.

We’ve finally made it to morning and the glitter survived, but dignity, livers, and relationships did not. But it’s time for our daters to ATV! Hopefully none of them have the spins!

On the date, Tevin and Kenya establish they still like each other. Great. Moving on. It’s time to decide who’s going in the truth booth. And it’s Tevin and Kenya! Why do I get the very bad no good terrible feeling that they are going to leave me on cliffhanger? Don’t do me like that, Terry!

Annnnnnd I was right! I’m boycotting! I’m never watching this show again. GET A NEW RECAPPER. Okay fine, I’m being dramatic but oh hey hi MTV publicist that sends me these episodes early, can I get next week’s real quick?

Well that was a wild ride, and a really fun episode. See all you peeps next time, and I hope that you all remember this week to love yourself, b*tch!

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Welcome back, fellow masochists! We’ve survived to see another week of Are You The One?, but has Cam survived Kwasi’s attack? Let’s check back in with our favorite semi-lovable losers!

We figuratively jump right back in to Kwasi literally jumping on Cam. The guys break up the fight, and Cam’s body thankfully remains unharmed, but unfortunately it appears at some point the sleeve monster did get to his shirt. Bria, always the voice of reason, walks Kwasi out of the room while the men continue to scream at each other.

Kayla is upset because Kwasi was basically saying he just wants to bang her. Oh honey, it’s 2018. If a man hasn’t degraded you to the point of tears, are you even alive?

GUYS. Bria telling Kwasi to calm down and that his mom wouldn’t want to see him acting like this is making me lol. Am I taking crazy pills?!

Me rn:

WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOM, BRIA?! Perhaps you should have thought of this little tidbit before you screamed at Morgan, nearly beat the door down of the confessional, verbally assaulted Zak, stared maniacally at Morgan while vowing revenge, etc, etc, etc. I could go on but they actually do expect me to do work at my day job.

Cam comes back into the house and tells Kayla he just couldn’t stand for the way Kwasi was talking about her. Is it just me or is the Trump supporter turning out to be the most decent guy in the house? Of course by “decent” I mean “doesn’t treat women his own personal sex toy,” but still. 

It’s the next morning. Samantha and Asia go out to the water to talk about Lewis, on whom Asia is still crushing from back in the “Kenya topped him off” days.

Sam to Asia: You guys are clicking
Sam to the camera:

In the glam room, Moe is blow-drying his beard and telling Lauren he just doesn’t think he’s connecting with anyone in the house, but he is learning how women want to be treated. Oh, Moe. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. Go show off that freshly blow-dried beard and get yourself a girl! Lauren, clearly having drank the fate Kool-Aid, says it will happen if it’s meant to be. FYI Lauren, MTV doesn’t pay you more for agreeing with their dumb ideas.

Sidenote: Maybe next year they should get a therapist or relationship expert into the house to help these morons out? Because I don’t think telling people who are bad at love to try harder is working. I would know, it’s only what every single person I turn to for advice says.

Tomas takes Cali outside for a little picnic, and if he thinks that’s going to make her forget that he couldn’t get it up, he’s going to need a lot more alcohol.

In the hot tub, a bunch of the cast is hanging out and Tevin and his soulful eyes ask Brett who he thinks his match is. He thinks it could be Nutsa. But he admits he’s not over Cali, and the camera pans to him longingly gazing at Tomas cupping Cali’s ass in the outdoor shower. Dun dun dun.

Outside playing cornhole (not a euphemism), Asia straight-up asks Lewis if he sees her just as a friend. He says “I’m trying to find a word other than friend.” I believe the word you are searching for is “girl I’m stringing along until someone better offers to suck my d*ck.” You’re welcome.

Terry strolls on into the family room because it’s time to push that big red fate button. But! Papa T is so proud of the work they did last week, he has a surprise for them. Fate only gets to choose the guys for the date. Then the guys get to choose the girls they want to take. TBH I think “Fate” might do a better job, but okay Papa T, let’s try it your way.

Fate chooses Brett and Moe. Moe chooses Kayla, and I’m praying all the “tips” Lauren gave him help his game on this date. Brett picks Cali because he wants another chance to try and bang her to see if they’re a match.

For today’s date our motley crew is going out on a catamaran. So basically they just took their binge drinking out on the water. They see some dolphins and now I feel even sadder for Nutsa that Brett didn’t pick her because it seems she speaks their language. I think we’ve figured out the origin of Nutsa’s annoying voice. She’s clearly half dolphin.

On the date, Moe is really heaping the praise on Kayla and when she tells him she’s serious about Cam and isn’t interested in him he doesn’t even say “You’re fat anyways. I never really even liked you, b*tch,” which is a refreshing change from the usual way some men respond to rejection. Totally hypothetical!

After the date, Terry comes back and asks them how it went and Kayla has an orgasm when describing what it was like seeing dolphins. Moe mentions that Kayla has her heart set on Cam, and he respects that. Lewis says that Moe is just a body and isn’t making any attempt to get to know anyone. Um, exsqueeze me? Is that not the pot calling the kettle just a body? It’s like this guy gets one blow job and he acts like he’s gonna single-handedly win them a million dollars. Lewis, my opinion of you is falling fast. It’s then revealed that the group picked Brett and Cali to go into the truth booth.

And they’re not a match! Damn, these people are as bad at this game as I am at actually starting my diet on Monday.

Now it’s time for the match-up ceremony, and it’s a week for the girls to pick. As Bria kindly reminds us, they did a sh*t job of it last time.

• Lauren picks Andrew.
• Nutsa picks Brett.
• Kayla picks Cam.
• Samantha picks Daniel.
• Kenya picks Tevin.
• Morgan picks Zak.
• Bria picks Lewis.

Papa T calls Asia up. She’s pissed because Lewis lays next to her every night, which stops other guys from hitting on her, but he doesn’t actually do anything with her.

Asia, let me repeat it a little louder for the people in the back:

• Asia picks Kwasi. She must have heard that he actually wants to bang girls.
• Cali picks Tomas.

Papa Terry calls up Jasmine and Moe and tells them to “step into his office.” Such a dad joke.

And it’s time for the beams of light. The group gets four beams, the same as they did last week. Papa Terry is not mad, he’s just disappointed. It’s time for them to buckle down and find the rest of these matches. He sends them back to the house to really think about what they’re doing here.

Back at the house, Brett and Kenya are telling Lewis he needs to sh*t or get off the pot with Asia. Asia decides she needs a straight answer and pulls him aside.

Asia: Do you like me or nah
Lewis: 

Well, we all saw that coming, but Lewis, you suck. Asia, you are more beautiful than Cinderella, you smell like pine needles, and your face is like sunshine. And you’re only a little bit of a bully. Don’t let this d-bag get you down.

And that’s all for this week, folks! I’ll see you again this time next week to talk more sh*t on people I don’t know!

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Hello, Are You the One? Nation! Huh, that wasn’t quite as catchy as Bachelor Nation. Plus, way less people watch this show. Hello, Are You the One? Borough! Yes, yes, that’s right. We’ve made it to another week of our beloved show, and as you’ll recall, last week we were left on a cliffhanger. Will Tevin, Jasmine, and a vat of neon paint seal the deal? Let’s dive right in!

We open on a rainy morning, and honestly the weather for this retreat is not doing a whole hell of a lot to help out the Hawaii tourism bureau. I thought the weather there was always supposed to be sunny with a chance of piña coladas? Is that not right?

A bunch of the cast is sitting around in one tent talking about their exes. Cam is talking about how Kayla’s ex was a piece of woman-hating trash on steroids (I paraphrase) and that reminds me that last week in the comments someone mentioned I forgot to say how sweet Cam was to Kayla during that whole situation. And he was! I’m sorry I didn’t say it, sometimes I get so focused on writing mean things about idiots that I don’t write about the people that display general human decency. Snaps for Cam! And Cam, if you don’t find your perfect match, my girl It’s Britney, Betch is very into your fratty vibe so you might want to hit her up. There! My good deed for today. Moving on.

This is a nice supportive moment in the tent, and everyone is very sweet to one another and they are committed to working together and figuring this thing out. Obviously, Bria is not there.

Cut to Tevin and Asia doing yoga and talking about Kenya’s behavior with her ex. And by behavior, I mean supergluing her ass to his lap. Tevin says he’s afraid that Kenya will find out what happened between him and Jasmine, and I think that statement, along with the graphic footage from last week, pretty much confirms that the neon paint was used as lube last night. Tevin is set on separating from Kenya and I’m feeling very doubtful that will happen.

Back inside the tent, Bria, possessed by the devil and the souls of all the scorned women that came before her, is plotting her revenge on Morgan. She says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do yet, but it’s coming. I’m just going to take a wild guess and say it’s going to involve a meat cleaver, rope, duct tape, and bleach.  

Terry shows up and praises the cast for surviving this relationship rehab. I think he’s using the word “survive” very liberally but k, whatever. The good news is that he’s springing them from this monsoon and allowing them to return to the house. I bet they’ve never been so happy to return to their bare mattresses on the floor!

The crew gets home, and everybody immediately needs a shower, and then they have a taco party. I think this is what OJ did the first night he was released from prison, too. Nutsa keeps yelling “guys it’s taco Tuesday!” and now her voice has ruined tacos for me forever. I’m beginning to understand why she has not found love.

Kwasi eats his taco and then decides to stir up some sh*t. And not like Cali’s spicy poops kind of sh*t. He pulls Kenya aside to talk to her.

Kwasi: I don’t want to be a snitch…
Kenya: Tell me
Kwasi: Well since you twisted my arm, Jasmine sucked Tevin’s d*ck last night
Me: 

Kenya is “disgusted” but seems to forget that the reason she didn’t know this happened was because she was temporarily indisposed cuddling up to Tevin’s doppelgänger! She straight-up asks Jasmine if she hooked up with Tevin last night and to her credit, Jasmine admits it right away. Then Kenya takes off to castrate Tevin. She finds him, and Lewis is lingering. She yells, “everyone get the f*ck away” and Lewis says, “I’m bored!” National. Treasure. If anyone deserves to get their d*ck sucked it’s this guy. Oh wait, Kenya already did that…

Tevin admits that he was hurt by the way Kenya was acting with her ex, and that’s why he hooked up with Jasmine. Kenya forgives him and now I just feel bad for Jasmine, who quickly became a pawn in the sick game of two people who will ultimately have multiple pregnancy scares and then break up, perhaps with police intervention.

We switch over to Zak and Morgan, who are sitting outside and listing the things they know about each other. Apparently both of them work for marketing agencies. I’m sure these marketing agencies are very proud of the talent they’ve churned out. Please say the company’s names so I never apply they can get credit. Zak and Morgan are so turned on by all this marketing talk they hightail it to the boom boom room.

The next morning, Terry shows up and reminds us of the fate button. Fate is feeling very left out after a week just sitting in the living room, not being able to ruin lives and pretend to make matches. So fate has taken revenge on the group and chosen Morgan, Kenya, Brett, and Kwasi. At least it spared us all from an extra five minutes of Nutsa’s voice. This week the group date is surfing. In Hawaii.

Kwasi does not know how to swim, and now I’m worried fate was intervening to cause his death do something else. That sneaky b*tch.

Kwasi is really into Morgan and tells her she’s beautiful. She doesn’t like him because he’s superficial. Well, he did spend significant amount of time on this date describing her “yummy physique,” so that’s a fair assessment.

Kenya and Brett think that they could be a match, but they don’t think they have a romantic spark. They also think they’re both hilarious, and to that I say, TELL ME A JOKE. Prove it! No one here has shown me any hilarity other than Lewis. I’m waiting.

Terry gathers the crew in the living room, and decides there isn’t enough blood on the carpet tonight, so he immediately asks Zak if he’s made any new connections. Zak starts gushing over Morgan, as Bria’s smile over in the corner chills me to the bone.

Terry then moves on to see who was voted into the truth booth, and the group has voted in Brett and Kenya. They head to the truth booth and we cut to commercial as our cast screams bloody murder, like they do every week. It means nothing. Well, it means nothing until the week Bria eventually decapitates Morgan.

And they are not a match! Kenya is crying tears of joy because this means she gets to go back to her man. You know, the one who got his d*ck sucked by another girl last night. She’s so lucky!

Me, interviewing Jasmine: How are you feeling right now Jaz?
Jasmine:

After taking a few shots, Bria decides to confront Morgan. Personally, if I was going to commit murder, I’d want to be sober as to make sure I got away with it, but to each their stupid own. Instead of killing her, though, Bria decides to sit Morgan down and just tell her in her very best Liam Neeson revenge-thriller voice that she’s better than Morgan. Morgan says “k, cool, can I go now?” She is allowed to leave. This time…

The next day, Asia decides that she is the Rain Man of the house and is doing some serious strategizing ahead of the match up ceremony. I love the part of the season when people start trying to do math. It very rarely works, and more often than not, their heads explode.

Terry welcomes the crew to the match up ceremony and checks in with our only perfect match thus far, Maria and Shamoy. Shamoy says things are going well but other people need to find their matches so they can have “other people to kick it with.” AKA they f*cking hate each other already. No word on whether anyone has spilled on that white couch yet, unfortunately.

Terry calls up the ladies to choose.

• Kayla picks Brett, and I see they decided to go with strategy this round. Brett and his bandana are happy, but Cam, his comforting arms, and his hat are sad.
• Asia picks Cam. His hat perks up.
• Samantha picks Moe.

Terry calls Morgan up. He asks her about Zak and then decides there’s not enough blood on his podium, so he asks Bria her thoughts. She calls Morgan a liar. Screaming commences. I drink wine and tune it out. I’ve had enough of this girl.  

• Morgan picks Zak.
• Nutsa picks Andrew.
• Lauren picks Daniel.
• Cali picks Tomas.
• Jasmine picks Tevin. Certain people are pissed *cough* Kenya *cough* and Asia claims Tevin doesn’t even like Jasmine. Well, Asia, I’m sure he liked her at least a little when he let her put his d*ck in her mouth, k?
• Kenya picks Lewis.
• Bria picks Kwasi.

Everyone is “locked in.” Words I’m sure they’ve all heard before while drying up in their local drunk tank. We wait an interminable amount of time for the beams. They don’t black out on beams, but I’m sure they’ll be able to accomplish that later with alcohol. The group only gets one additional beam, and Papa Terry is very upset. He tells them that tonight was trash. Hey! That’s my line!

Everyone walks away hanging their heads in shame. TBH they should be hanging their heads in shame more often on this show. That should be their default position. As the episode ends they all are headed to their timeout chairs that Papa Terry set up for them in the house as punishment for being stupid idiots that are dumb. See you next week!

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