Since we’ve practically been able to walk, we’ve been tricked into some serious romance fuckery that modern-day love stories always pan out like the end of a Disney movie—as if Prince Charming would actually search every apartment up and down all of Brooklyn for the woman who perfectly fits into the shoe she left on a date. Umm… Pretty sure the chances of me seeing my left Aldo pump or my dignity after last weekend’s walk of shame are slim to good-fucking-luck. But that’s not what’s important here.
What I’m actually here to tell you is that, shocker alert, nothing is what it seems when it comes to romantic films. Hate to break it to you, but not every eligible bachelorette in the tri-state area also owns a spacious duplex with an interior design replica of Z Gallerie. Like, I’m still waiting on a rom com where Katherine Heigl lives on a strict diet of Top Ramen and Frosted Flakes in a dumpster studio after going broke from being forced to purchase 27 fugly bridesmaid dresses not even Sears would stand to carry. But thanks to my diligent Google research, I’m now well aware that
my poor career choice has forced me to become financially dependent on a rich male these bitches would prob be living in hole if not for this thing called skewed perception, or rent control for that matter. So here are the actual prices of their humble abodes IRL, and it’s literally just as un-shocking as it is annoying.
Carrie Bradshaw’s Apartment, Sex and the City
If you seriously thought that Carrie Bradshaw actually lived comfortably (and by comfortably, I mean living on an every day diet of brunch at the Plaza and weekly Chanel shopping binges) on a columnist’s salary, you’re out of your batshit mind. Her one-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side cost her a whopping $700 a month (good one, rent control), but in reality, the place would go for about $3,000. Actually, in REAL reality, the building is located in West Village, and is actually a 4,100-square-foot house with four stories, 10 rooms and six fireplaces. In 2012, it sold for $9.85 million aka Mr. Big’s slutty pocket change.
Carrie And Big’s Apartment, Sex And The City
Speaking of the devil, idk what the fuck Mr. Big even did for a living, but clearly money was all Carrie was after considering he’s an actual piece of shit (#TeamAidan). Literally the only reason she stayed with him was because she forgot her Manolos, and also that closet, but like, I get it. Their apartment was located on Fifth Avenue across from Central Park, but the interior was actually shot in a four-story walk-up on 62nd Street, costing $190,000 a month to rent, or $40–$50 million to buy. K fine, I guess this was worth settling for.
Beth And Neil’s Loft, He’s Just Not That Into You
Such a typical fuckboy Ben Affleck move (or just what I feel is something Ben would do) to have all the benefits of a marriage without the actual marriage itself, including the beautiful brick Baltimore loft on Federal Hill. Bless Jen’s heart for playing a character she actually had to live out in real life, but like, at least they were only paying $2,280 a month for a 2-bedroom. Steal.
Noah’s Waterfront House, The Notebook
Noah’s fairytale fixer-upper was actually built in 1772 as a 4-bedroom waterfront property on Wadmalaw Island in South Carolina. Its current monthly rental price goes for a whopping $12,000—again, that’s PER MONTH—which translates to about $695 a month back in 1940. Fat chance Noah’s carpentry salary could afford that, so idk maybe they offered him a sick 2-for-1 discount on wood panels. But tbh, that man could’ve built me a dumpster behind the house and I’d still be naked on his wrap-around balcony in record time.
Jenna Rink’s Apartment, 13 Going On 30
Jenna’s epic glow-up
and Regina George complex led her to become a big-time bitch magazine editor, so being able to afford an apartment on Fifth Avenue is semi-believable. On average, a one-bedroom in the building where she first stumbled out in lingerie goes for about $4,000 a month, or $1.3 million for purchase. Unfortunately, she traded her hot pro-hockey player boyfriend and his thingy for her formerly fat friend, so none for Jenna Rink bye.
Marisa’s Apartment, Maid In Manhattan
I don’t care what you say, Maid in Manhattan is the most underrated J.Lo film of all time, and this is not up for debate. Mostly because we got a real glimpse of actual “Jenny from the Block”, as seen by her 2-bedroom Bronx apartment on E. 175th Street, which would cost $1,300 a month today #gentrification. But also because if J.Lo can marry rich, then so can I. Speaking of hot wealthy men, the hotel suite rented by Christopher Marshall at the make-believe Beresford Hotel was actually filmed at the Roosevelt Hotel and the boujee Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, which would go for $12K a month. Tell me love don’t cost a thing now. I’ll wait.
Sam’s Houseboat, Sleepless In Seattle
This giant houseboat shacking it on Lake Union in Seattle is the reason I have trust issues. If I was never forced to sit through the already mystifying plot of this movie, I’d think this thing was straight out of some lakeside horror film. The houseboat has four bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a lakeside dock and was last sold for $2 million in 2014, so it’s a nice setup. Still, something about taking a woman you literally don’t know back to a floating house on a dark lake just screams R.I.P.
Vivian’s Apartment, Pretty Woman
I’m not sure how a hooker can’t afford a little nicer of a place, but Viv’s rates were apparently not cut out for big city income. Her apartment in LA’s Las Palmas hotel went for a whopping $185 a month, although average room prices per night are now $300. This was yet another classic case of damsel in distress saved by fuckboy and his wallet, seeing as Edward’s 2-bed, 3-bath penthouse suite at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel went for $38,500 per week. No wonder I’m so fucked up.
Growing up there was literally no better time to be alive because the teen dramas were fire during those days. Any show that involved hot half-brothers duking it out on the basketball court or hot vampire brothers brooding over high school girls was my freaking catnip. I learned some v important lessons from those shows too. Like, if you gave your virginity to your vampire boyfriend he might lose his soul, terrorize your friends and family, and try to end the world. Subtle abstinence messages are fun. I also learned that 16-year-olds living in the Upper East Side have more money, sex, and better taste in clothes than I do as an adult. See? V important lessons here. But if there’s anything I’ve learned from avoiding human interaction in favor of watching trash television, it’s how to spot a heartthrob. Spoiler: he’s probably blond, in tune with your emotions, and wearing enough hair gel to grease a Slip ‘N Slide. Your high school self swooned over these losers, but now as
someone who has been on Tinder an adult you see things more clearly because more often than not, the self-proclaimed heartthrob is actually the fucking worst. And because I have nothing better to do with my time than to analyze fictional people, I’ve taken it upon myself to list out every TV heartthrob you totally crushed on but who was really Satan disguised as a Tiger Beat cover model.
Side note: if it feels like I’m coming for every show The CW has ever produced that’s because I absolutely am. Now, let’s bring on the
men society deems sexually desirable for young women heartthrobs.
1. Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill
I should have known I would hate Lucas Scott the second they cast Chad Michael Murray to play his character but I was deluded for two or three seasons and actually thought he was a good guy at first. I mean I was, like, 10 when the show first aired so give me a fucking break. My first point of contention with Lucas is that he said “I love you” to legit anyone with two working legs and a vagina. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time Lucas told some emotionally fragile girl that he loved her I would have enough money to fund my own Clothes Over Bros clothing line. And, Lucas, consider yourself lucky that I was not one of those girls because I would have set you on fire if I found you sucking face with Peyton during the school shooting two episodes after professing your love for me. NOPE. Second, if we strip away his good looks and his basketball skills (did he have any?), he’s just a weirdo who writes in a sad, handwritten book. Like, we get it, you’re an artist trying to get laid. Honestly, he’d probs do well on Tinder. His talents were def wasted at Tree Hill.
^100 percent an excerpt from his Tinder bio, also what does this even mean
2. Nate Archibald, Gossip Girl
Tbh I was never a huge fan of Nate. I was into Dan because he was a writer living in Brooklyn and I’ll always have a soft spot for
dudes who are probably unemployed artists, and also Chuck Bass because he looked like he would fuck you up emotionally and I’m here for it. But Nate was just kind of there. He wasn’t particularly misunderstood or a giant piece of shit that kinda turned you on and made you reconsider whether you have daddy issues. He was just a really pretty face. I mean, really pretty. Plus all he ever did was hook up the wrong girl at the wrong time and fuck up everyone’s shit. Whatever. I guess if this were real life I’d totally give his trust fund him a chance.
I, mean, that head nod says it ALL.
3. Dawson Leery, Dawson’s Creek
Before there was Lucas Scott there was
the reason I suffer from rage blackouts Dawson and his fucking creek. I never really liked this show, but my best friend was obsessed with Dawson because he was cute, had zero control over his emotions, and was more sensitive than me on my period. In hindsight, perhaps I should have given him more of a chance? Whatever. Dawson was v dramatic and always crying about something and everyone knows I can’t with feelings. If Dawson were a real human he’d be the guy who texts you only in emojis and cries after the first time you have sex. Yeah, that’s a hard pass for me.
4. Riley Finn, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
You probs don’t remember Riley because he was
a waste of space Buffy’s college boyfriend and she only made it to, like, sophomore year before she died over the summer and decided not to go back to college when she was resurrected so she could hate-fuck Spike instead. Happens to the best of us, Buff! But Riley was the fucking worst. To this day I will never understand what Buffy saw in him. I mean, he looked like a Dillard’s catalogue model and had the personality of the department store clothing. The only thing interesting that ever happened to him was when he got addicted to vampires biting him and that was really more sad and pathetic than interesting. People loved him because he was human and Buffy had, like, a healthy and mature relationship with him (gross), but I hated him and his fugly turtlenecks with every fiber of my being. He was clearly a rebound after Buffy’s platinum vagine made Angel lose his damn mind and try to destroy the world. And I’m sorry but, Riley, would you risk your soul to be with Buffy? Would you get a soul to be with Buffy? No? Then get in line behind peroxide boy and the reason I have unrealistic expectations of love Angel. BYE.
Do you think YOU have a shot with her? Get outta here!
5. Logan Huntzberger, Gilmore Girls
I kind of hate myself for saying this because if Rory can’t be with Jess then I am 100 percent Team Logan, but Logan kind of sucks. He’s like every rich frat bro I’ve ever dated. One second he’s inviting you on his dad’s boat and the next second he’s taking some no-name freshman to his formal instead of you. Like, what? I have whiplash. I didn’t mind him so much when Rory dated him in college. I, mean, sure he kind of derailed her life and made her contemplate dropping out of college for a minute there, but what college fuckboy hasn’t done that a time or two?? Where he really lost points with me was in the revival. He was hooking up with Rory but also engaged to some other girl and flying Rory out TO LONDON whenever his dick started to get hard and that just did not sit right with me. Like, that shit was cute in college similar to how drinking Natty Lite out of a semi-warm keg and slurping alcohol from a frozen structure was also cute in college. Grow up, kid.
6. Stefan Salvatore, The Vampire Diaries
The Vampire Diaries was one of my favorite shows in high school because there’s nothing I love more than to turn up on a Thursday and watch an hour of broody vampire teen drama. Clearly I have a lot going on in my life. Clearly. Anyway, it starred Nina Dobrev, aka Degrassi’s 13-year-old-teen-mom-turned-fashion-model Mia Jones, who played boring nice girl Elena and was about the two ridiculously attractive vampires who had nothing better to do with their immortal lives than to fight over some small-town high school girl. Tbh I was all for Stefan for about two episodes. He was the right amount of broody, mysterious, and cocky. And then they brought Damon out, a character who mind-controlled high school cheerleaders into having crazy sex with him but like, you were kinda into it, and you wanted to laugh at Stefan and his overly coiffed hair. The first three seasons Stefan acted like he was hot shit while Elena tried not to eye-fuck his brother at the dinner table. Like, Stefan, you’ve been alive for 200 years, seen the rise and fall of multiple societies, but you can’t see when a girl would rather fuck your brother? Come onnn. Sorry, Stefan, go back to brooding in your fitted tees.
7. Max Evans, Roswell
First, if you haven’t watched Roswell yet, then you absolutely can’t sit with me. That show is the reason I know where Arizona is on a map and also why I pray there’s life on other planets. As long as alien life forms look like Max Evans and Michael Guerin then I will gladly let them invade
my bedroom Earth. Plus it features Katherine Heigl before she became the bitchiest actress in Hollywood and Shiri Appleby before she started ruining people’s lives on UnReal. ANYWAY, Max Evans, a teenage alien with permanent sad eyes and a penchant for cargo pants, was the star of this show and also the resident fuckboy heartthrob. And while many would argue that Max was brooding and mysterious and selfless, I would argue that he was the fucking worst. Season one he was fine, just a little too moody and “I hold the fate of the galaxy in my hands” for my taste but, whatever, he gave Shiri Appleby an orgasm “visions of constellations” (lol) by just, like, breathing on her so I was into it. But then he fucked the new girl in season two and got her pregnant with his alien spawn and it all went downhill from there. I don’t stand for cheaters, even if you were tricked into it by an alien seductress. I was rooting for you, Max. We were all rooting for you!