The only exciting part of March is the hope for a warm day and your potential drinking plans for St. Patrick’s Day (even though you aren’t even Irish). It’s kinda easy to hate March—it’s really just a filler month. Like, it’s not exactly spring yet, but everyone is so over winter (as if we were we ever into it). Sure, there’s March Madness, but that doesn’t even start until mid-March, and anyway, we know you’ll forget to check your bracket like, the day after you fill it out, and you only chose UCLA to win because you hooked up with a guy who went there one time.
But here’s something we can truly celebrate this March: binging all the new shows and movies on Netflix. From classic rom-coms to new seasons of our faves, there’s a lot in store for us this month on Netflix. Grab your weighted blanket, a bottle of wine, and your bag of SkinnyPop, and get ready to spend countless hours on your living room couch.
‘He’s Just Not That Into You’
Every woman is aware of the basic concept that if a man is not showing interest in you, he really, genuinely, does not have any interest in you. Seems easy in theory, but in practice, we’ve all been through the mental gymnastics that is trying to convince ourselves otherwise. I blame this disconnect on society and movies like this one, that claim to present a realistic take on how relationships actually work, when in reality, they just feed us more of the same bullsh*t like “you’re the exception, not the rule”. But whatever, still a good movie to watch on your couch with a bottle of red.
‘Life As We Know It’
This romantic comedy is the perfect lighthearted movie to watch while texting, even though the premise is slightly grim. Basically, rom-com royalty Katherine Heigl (Holly) and Josh Dumahel (Messer) are set up on a blind date by their married friends (which goes horribly). However, when their friends die in a car accident, Messer and Holly are named the guardians of their toddler and have to co-parent. Even though Messer is the stereotypical frat boy you hooked up with once in the Sig Chi basement and you wonder why he never calls, he ends up being Prince Charming, and we forget the douchey side of him even existed. Spoiler Alert: This doesn’t happen in real life.
‘Sleepover’
No slumber party of any kind can ever live up to this. Four best friends on a scavenger hunt, which involves stealing a guy’s underwear, breaking into nightclubs, and—perhaps the most radical one of all, considering the girls in this movie are supposed to be in EIGHTH GRADE—hijacking one of their dads’ cars to finish all their tasks. All to secure the ever-coveted lunchroom spot next to the water fountain once they reach high school. Anyone who’s seen this movie can try and try, but your slumber “party” will always end up being you and a friend eating way too many chocolate chip cookies, crying to a rom-com, and passing out by 11pm. If you manage to replicate this movie in real life, please give me a call.
‘The Shawshank Redemption’
Without giving away too much, The Shawshank Redemption is about banker Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins), who was sentenced to life in prison after being wrongfully convicted for the murder of his wife and her lover. While in prison, he befriends Red (Morgan Freeman), who teaches him about life and prison. Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins? Like are you kidding me? It cannot get better. If you haven’t seen it, make sure you have nothing planned besides the movie for the day. You will need 24 hours to absorb it all.
‘Valentine’s Day’
This is one of those movies that follows like a million different storylines, and they’re all sort of connected at the end and your mind is blown. Valentine’s Day compiles the stories of a bunch of different couples and how they celebrate the day, from planning a proposal to planning to lose their virginity to planning an “I Hate Valentine’s Day” party. Mark me as attending for that one. Okay, so I love this movie, mostly because every beautiful person at the end of the 2000s is in it, and also Taylor Swift for some reason.
‘The Interview’
Anything directed by Seth Rogen is bound to be hysterical, so you def won’t be disappointed watching this. The Interview is about two guys who run a celebrity tabloid show—and the show’s biggest fan is North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. The CIA hears of their plans to travel to North Korea to interview him, and recruits the two to assassinate him instead. Remember when real-life Kim Jong-Un was pissed about this movie? Lol, good times.
‘Ghosts of Girlfriends Past’
Serial womanizer Connor Mead (Matthew McConaughey) attends his brother’s wedding and basically convinces his brother not to get married. But after he is visited by his dead uncle, who tells him that he is wrong about women and relationships, Connor has a transformation and has to save the wedding. Not before he is haunted by all his ex-girlfriends, who come to teach him a lesson, of course. Wow, that’s literally like my dream. *Presses play*
‘Ugly Delicious’: Season 2
Chef David Chang (who runs the Momofuku restaurants) travels around the world tasting the best, but maybe not best-looking, food from different cultures and explores how it evolves. Think cooking show-meets-history-meets-mouthwatering meals. Chang usually brings some celebrities along with him, and season 2 features some of my faves, Nick Kroll and Padma Lakshmi. Make sure you have your delivery ready before diving in.
‘On My Block’: Season 3
It might be just another show navigating the horrors of high school, but On My Block is one of our faves for its diverse cast and its ability to make us laugh and cry in the same episode. And it’s back for season 3. If you’re into teen drama and danger, get started catching up before starting season 3. If you’ve already binged, then I know you’re just as excited as I am to find out who kidnapped Jamal, Ruby, Cesar, and Monse in the literal last second of season 2. I have been on the edge of my seat for an entire year.
‘Elite’: Season 3
Guess what? Another teen drama series. Elite is like the Gossip Girl of Madrid, Spain, and it is just as scandalous and unbelievable. High schoolers wear cute uniforms and designer dresses to parties and clubs, which they attend on weekdays like it’s NBD. There’s a murder. A pregnancy scandal. Drug dealers. Steamy hookups. Elite has it all. If you want to brush up on your high school Spanish, this is the one for you (and you will learn all the slang, too). Even if you don’t know Spanish, there are subtitles, and I promise you will be obsessed.
‘Greenhouse Academy’: Season 4
After their mother dies in an astronaut accident (as one does), siblings Alex and Hayley Woods enroll at a private boarding school for gifted future leaders. The siblings become rivals when they join two competing houses at the school, which gives me major Harry Potter vibes. However, when they discover a plot to destroy the world, the two houses have to work together. Let’s not forget that these heroes still have to deal with the trials and tribulations of high school. What could go wrong?
‘Ozark’: Season 3
Jason Bateman (Martin “Marty” Byrde) stars in this crime series, which begins when Marty has to move his family from the suburbs in Chicago to the Ozarks in Missouri in order to grow his money-laundering scheme, but soon gets involved with local crime groups there. Ok, yes please. This is everything you’re looking for in a suspenseful show. The show is fiction, but I know all you true crime fans will be all for this. I’m sure the third season will include just as many deaths and shady characters as the first two, and I’m already binging.
‘Self-Made: Inspired by the Life of Madam C.J. Walker’ 
This new series is about to be epic. Self-Made is based on the novel On Her Own Ground, by A’Lelia Bundles, and tells the story of Madam C. J. Walker. She rose from poverty to become the first American woman to be a self-made millionaire by creating specialized hair products for African American hair care. This is the perfect watch during Women’s History Month, and I can’t wait to watch Octavia Spencer kill this role.
Now, here comes the sad part. Here are the movies and shows leaving Netflix this month: The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers , P.S. I Love You ,The Dark Knight, New York Minute, Hairspray, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, Charlie’s Angels, A Wrinkle in Time, Eat Pray Love, Men in Black, Men in Black 2, and Black Panther (which is now on Disney+). Sad!
Images: GIPHY (12); Tumblr (1)
Hellooooo 2020. Not only are we celebrating this new decade, but Netflix is too. This decade flew by. I mean, don’t you remember good old 2010? I was wearing braces and watching Hannah Montana every night and worrying about what I would be wearing for #BatMitzvahSzn, what were you doing? Though I still watch Hannah Montana on Disney+ today, Netflix has brought in the new decade with some new (and old) amazing shows and movies. Since we’re all going to be deathly hungover and not moving from our beds on New Year’s Day, I thought I’d round up what’s going to be new on Netflix in January. Forget about those resolutions, grab some SkinnyPop and let’s get started.
‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’
Bueller?… Bueller?… Bueller? You’ve probably seen this movie a million times at sleepaway camp and can quote every line, making it great background noise while you scroll through Instagram.
‘A Cinderella Story’
Can we just talk about how Hilary Duff (Sam Montgomery) wore a wedding dress to her High School Halloween party? Like um, what? And also how her entire identity is obscured just by covering the skin around her eyes? Plot holes aside, this movie is a classic and Hilary Duff deserves the world.
‘Monster-in-Law’
J.Lo stars in this feel-good funny movie to watch on a boring day. If you have ever met, dated, or even married a “Mama’s Boy,” you can totally relate to their horrible challenging mothers.
‘New York Minute’
2004 Mary-Kate and Ashley star as two teenage girls who find themselves dealing with many problems while adventuring through Manhattan on a school day. Which sounds like every other Mary-Kate and Ashley movie, just with the city switched out, and that’s because it is. My favorite part is Eugene Levy (Max Lomax), the school’s obsessive truant officer, following their every footstep to try and catch them.
‘Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory’ and ‘Charlie And The Chocolate Factory’
The classic Gene Wilder and new(ish) Johnny Depp films will both be available for you to watch in January while you binge eat chocolate. Not gonna lie, swimming in a pool of chocolate like Augustus Gloop did is still a dream of mine… if I drown, so be it.
‘Big Fat Liar’
Throwback to when Amanda Bynes was doing well and Frankie Muniz was relevant. Ah, the good old days. Big Fat Liar is such a classic. When Jason Shepherd’s (Frankie Muniz) class paper gets stolen by Hollywood producer Marty Wolf (Paul Giamatti) to turn into a movie, he travels to LA with his best friend Kaylee (Amanda Bynes), and tries to break into show business—literally.
‘Mamma Mia’
Need I say more? Well, I will. Meryl Streep and Amanda Seyfried are on Netflix in one of our favorite movies to sing along with. Enjoy these songs being stuck in your head for days…
‘The Post’
Netflix can’t get enough of Meryl Streep, obviously. But seriously, this movie is fantastic and depicts the true story of efforts made by The Washington Post journalists to publish the Pentagon Papers. Learn your history, betches.
‘Inception’
I’ve seen Inception. You’ve seen Inception. Every guy who thinks he’s deep has seen Inception and claims it’s his favorite movie. Still, it’s got Leo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon Levitt, so I don’t know what else you really need. Plus you can get high and debate if it really was ~all a dream~
‘Spinning Out’: Netflix Original Series
This new series is about Kat Baker, a competitive figure skater who dreams about making it to the Olympics. After she takes a disastrous fall, she is taken out of the competition and her dream. But then, a boy appears (as always) and helps Kat continue her career in skating as a duo. Together, they face challenges, injuries, and some emotional breakdowns. Get your tissues prepared.
‘Grace and Frankie’: Season 6
After a long wait, one of our favorite pairs are back on Netflix with a new season. There isn’t too much info on what’s going to happen in this season just yet, but we do know that Grace’s marriage to Nick at the end of last season will def carry some tension in the episodes to come.
‘The Ranch’: Final Season
So, I am in love with Ashton Kutcher and that is the main reason I have watched this show, NGL. The show is about Colt Bennett (Kutcher) who returns home to his family’s ranch in Colorado after a failed semi-pro football career to run the family ranching. business. And no, human trash bag Danny Masterson isn’t in the final episodes, so you don’t have to worry about supporting him.
‘Next in Fashion’
Hosted by Queer Eye’s Tan France and fashion it-girl Alexa Chung, this new fashion design competition is about to be epic. Over 10 episodes, 18 designers compete in rounds based on design trends and styles that influence what people wear worldwide. Can I say make it work??
‘AJ and the Queen’: Season 1
This is the first original comedy series by world-famous drag queen RuPaul. In the series, Ruby Red, a penniless drag queen, travels across America to hit different clubs while developing an unlikely sidekick named AJ—an 11-year old orphan. This new series is expected to have a lot of glitz and glam, so be excited.
‘Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’: Part 3
This series is the much darker and edgier reboot of Sabrina the Teenage Witch from our childhood. It follows the magical story of secret witch Sabrina Spellman (Kiernan Shipka). The new season will be thrilling, as Sabrina recovers from defeating her father Lucifer. Damn, and you thought your dad was evil because he cut you off from his credit card…
‘Good Girls’: Season 2
This crime-comedy series is about three suburban moms who enter a life of crime after robbing a grocery store. It’s a great show that stars Christina Hendricks, Mae Whitman, and Retta (Donna Meagle from Parks and Rec). Think Breaking Bad, but female and funny.
Usually, this would be the point where I would say, “It’s fine that some shows and movies are leaving because others will take their place!” but I can’t say that this month. I’m sad. Super sad. Friends will be leaving Netflix, and I can honestly say that I’m hurt and might not be okay. No one told me life was gonna be this way. Movies leaving Netflix this month are: Grease, Becoming Jane, Something’s Gotta Give, Good Luck Chuck, Zombieland, and Revolutionary Road. At least I can binge away my sorrows with all the new stuff, but it won’t be the same.
Images: @charlesdeluvio / Unsplash; GIPHY (16)
December. What a beautiful month. Though the cold weather is not my favorite, December still has a lot to offer. These quick 31 days are filled with ugly sweaters, dreidels, Mariah Carey’s soul-filled voice, office holiday parties, latkes, and lots and lots of presents (hopefully). Oh, and a bunch of new movies and TV shows to binge and cuddle up to during the dreadfully cold days. Grab your newly cuffed bae and let’s get started. Here’s all the best stuff coming to a Netflix device near you this December.
‘6 Underground’
Ryan Reynolds stars in this action-packed Netflix original movie about six people from all around the world who fake their deaths in order to take down well-known criminals…obviously, as one does. This sounds interesting to me for multiple reasons—the top being that Ryan Reynolds may be my favorite male actor to watch. He. Is. Beautiful. F*ck wait… Dave Franco will also be featured. I will be confused with which man to watch but I guess that’s a pretty good issue to have *wink wink*. This movie sounds crazy, in the best way.
‘Burlesque’
Yeahhhhh you heard that right! Christina Aguilera and Cher make their way back to our computer screens in this 2010 cult classic. I know you all still sing “Show Me How You Burlesque” in the shower and maybe even try to dance to it. Okay so that’s just me, you caught me. But seriously, I’m so excited to rewatch this movie.
‘A Cinderella Story: Christmas Wish’
Soooo, Gregg Sulkin is the romantic interest in this cheesy film, and I am so for it. I hope you all know who Gregg is, but if not, let me remind you. 2010. Wizards of Waverly Place. Mason, the Werewolf. Ok, he was also on Pretty Little Liars, but who’s counting. Anyway, this movie is a classic Cinderella tale, which we all pretend we’re over with, but really aren’t.
The ‘Austin Powers’ Trilogy
Get ready for all three Austin Powers movies to make their Netflix debut. Produced, written by, and starring Mike Myers as both Powers and Dr. Evil, Austin Powers is the perfect family movie night comedy to watch when home for the holidays.
‘A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby’
The threequel to the 2017 film A Christmas Prince and the 2018 film The Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding, you guessed it—this one involves a baby! If you haven’t seen the other films in this trilogy, I would suggest doing so before this one. Basically, they’re complete classics, and I’m just confused why these movies aren’t winning all the Oscars.
‘Marriage Story’
Scarlett Johansson and Adam Driver star in this film about a stage director and his actor wife who struggle through a coast-to-coast divorce that pushes them to their extremes. The story is personal, captivating, and has connections to any family. This is definitely a great movie to watch during the winter season, and it’s already getting major Oscar buzz.
‘Soundtrack’ – Season 1
This new series is about music that connects the lives of random people throughout Los Angeles. This new High School Musical-esque show is coming to Netflix, and I couldn’t be more excited to watch while avoiding all my responsibilities. I have been waiting for the day to love a show as much as 10-year-old me loved High School Musical and this is finally it (I hope).
‘YOU’ – Season 2
Warning: Spoiler Alert
After the dramatic events of last season that saw Joe Goldberg (played by Penn Badgley—or Gossip Girl, as I still like to call him) murder his obsession Guinevere Beck, fans were left on a huge cliffhanger. In season 2, Joe has already moved on from Beck and has his eyes set on a brand-new victim. This thrilling series will have you at the edge of your seats…not gonna lie, way too scary for me. So, you all enjoy it and have fun with your nightmares! I’ll be sleeping like a baby, don’t mind me.
‘Fuller House’ – Season 5
Unlike the original show, Fuller House is centered around the next generation of Tanneritos: D.J., Stephanie, and D.J.’s quirky best friend, Kimmy Gibbler. Unfortunately, still no Olsen twins, which is pretty upsetting. But Fuller House‘s fifth and final season will welcome back several beloved Full House characters, including Bob Saget, Dave Coulier, and John Stamos. It doesn’t look like Aunt Becky (Lori Loughlin), will be coming back due to her, um, legal situation, but I’m excited for the other characters to make their appearances. After this season, the Full House journey is officially coming to a close. Enjoy the Tanners while you can!
‘Glow Up’ – Season 1
This show is for you makeup lovers out there! On this new show, aspiring makeup artists battle to be named Britain’s next makeup star. According to Netflix, “they navigate colorful challenges to win a career-making opportunity in the beauty industry”. This intense competition will reveal the amazing things makeup can do and its ability to transform you, and probably has some amazing British accents to make it even better.
I hope you’re as excited about these movies and shows as I am. I am very ready for some new stuff in my Netflix queue, and I’m assuming the same goes for you. But when one door opens, another one closes, and there are a bunch of great movies and shows leaving Netflix this month too, including: Daddy Day Care, all the Rocky movies, The Pink Panther, Wet Hot American Summer, Billy Elliot, Frasier, About A Boy, Christmas with the Kranks, Get Santa, Leap Year, Mona Lisa Smile, and Schindler’s List. Sad! Binge these babies before time is up! Starting…now. Good luck!
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (10)
Guys, I know it feels like all I write about on this website are Hollywood’s favorite barely legal thirst traps and Bella Thorne, but the heart wants what it wants, and I won’t apologize for that! Speaking of my limited interests, a few weeks ago I was over here hyping my boyfriend Noah Centineo’s new movie The Perfect Date. I may have alluded to it being the next To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before on the rom-com scale of one to I WOULD DIE FOR PETER KAVINSKY, and, y’all, I may have spoken too soon on this one. I know what you’re thinking: how can the guy whose big acting break involved playing “Jose #2” on a network that does nothing but cater to the whims of 8th grade girls (and myself) ever do any wrong? Well, Sierra Burgess was strike one, not responding to my thinly veiled come-ons in his DMs was strike two, and Brooks Rattigan is goddamn strike three.
Even though I did call out sick from work to watch this movie the minute it dropped on Netflix (and, no, HR apparently doesn’t consider looking at Noah Centineo’s abs a proper mental health day. This means war, Melissa!), I had, like, so many emotions after watching it, and most of them weren’t great. So, to spare you from the same fate I suffered, here’s my cautionary tale recap of the movie.
The movie opens with us immediately being introduced to Noah’s character: Brooks Rattigan. We learn that Brooks is both smart and hunky, but was born on the wrong side of the tracks. Being poor means that of course Brooks can’t get laid to save his life )despite the fact that he has that face and presumably people in this movie have working eyes) or get into college (despite the fact that it is established that he is a smarty pants). K. And I thought his character’s name was going to be the hardest pill to swallow. Sighs. Nevertheless, I shall persist.
We quickly find out that it’s not that Brooks can’t get into any college; it’s that he can’t get into Yale. I guess his dad’s professor pension wouldn’t cover much of a bribe. He wants to go to an Ivy League school because, just like every f*ckboy I’ve ever matched with on a dating app, his idols are Steve Jobs and Elon Musk. If he did even one simple Google search on his idols he would have learned that neither of his idols actually attended an Ivy League, but fine.
DAD: Why don’t you want to go to UConn? I teach there so the tuition is virtually free. You’d have no debt and get a great education!
BROOKS:
Actually his exact words were “UConn is like that girl down the street who eats food in bed and smells like it,” which I take personal offense to because I am that girl and THOSE ARE FIGHTING WORDS, BROOKS.
To hammer this “I’m poor” point home, we find out that Brooks works at an off-brand Subway in the hopes of paying for college, one five-dollar footlong at a time. Just as he’s losing hope, a rich guy from his high school shows up complaining about having to take his cousin, whom he all but describes as Quasimodo, to her school dance.
RANDOM RICH GUY: I have to take my cousin to her school dance tonight even though Madison said I could put just the tip in later tonight!!
BROOKS:
I’ve seen the trailer for this movie so I knew this was coming, but I’m still so alarmed. Brooks, a virtual stranger to this guy, immediately asks to step in so long as he can drive his nice car and get paid AND THE GUY SAYS YES. This is your flesh and blood, and you’re willing to foist her off to the first guy who offers just so Madison can give you a half-hearted blow job later?? I’m disgusted.
Enter the sad girl aka Celia Lieberman. We find out that the reason Celia is sad and undateable is because she’s a feminist and hates wearing strappy heels! Her family not only doesn’t question that a stranger is picking her up instead of her cousin, but they actually seem grateful to get this shrew off their hands for an evening. The life lessons I’m taking away from this movie are… astounding.
Cut to the dance, where we get a lot of forced banter and lukewarm chemistry from the two of them. It’s like the writers are trying too hard to make Celia quirky and Brooks charming and it’s just not working for me. After coercing Celia onto the dance floor even though she says she doesn’t want to dance and she’s the paying customer here (Haven’t you heard, Brooks? The customer is always right!) he all but hobbles Celia with his sh*tty footwork as he tries to spy on beautiful, rich girl Shelby, who’s taking shameless selfies in the corner.
So, let me get this straight. He steps on his date’s foot while BLATANTLY checking out another girl right in front of her and this is supposed to be a perfect date? I mean, this is a date that I’ve been on before, but I wouldn’t call it perfect by any means.
Brooks, despite all of his actions proving otherwise and Celia even saying she did not have a good time, decides he’s so good at being a date that he will create an app to turn this stand-in thing into his side hustle! First of all, he makes creating an app sound about as easy as creating a Gmail account. Second of all, THIS IS TEENAGE PROSTITUTION. He is essentially pimping himself out for money! If the roles were reversed and a girl was playing Brooke Rattigan, the movie would end with her death!
Brooks gets his tech wizard of a best friend to help him create the app. To convince him to help he implies that this app will look great to colleges. As if an app that promotes the prostitution of a minor is the equivalent of joining the drama club. K. They fondly refer to the app as Grubhub but with a human trafficking twist. I paraphrase.
Cut to a montage of him going on various dates with women. I know it’s several dates based off of all the costumes. Why does this town have more themed events than my sorority did in the entire 4 years I was in college?
Celia ends up calling him because she needs his services for a second date to make her crush, Franklin, jealous and Brooks shameless drops the name of his app. Again, he sounds like every f*ckboy I’ve matched with on a dating app. Celia does not look appropriately enough disgusted by this info.
They show up at Shelby’s party where Brooks immediately tries to ditch Celia so he can shamelessly flirt with Shelby EVEN THOUGH HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE CELIA’S DATE. Celia, sweetie, I’d be taking that out of his tips if I were you.
They both separate to flirt with their intended targets: Shelby and Franklin. Both conversations feel about as painful as listening to a recording of your own voice. I’m cringing. Brooks finds Celia after he’s done hitting on another woman (remember, ladies, he’s the perfect date!), but it’s all good because he found ice cream. Celia compares Brooks to her favorite flavor of ice cream, vanilla, and it’s the most I’ve appreciated her wit all movie.
Brooks and Celia’s weird pimp/hoe relationship continues to blossom. Celia gets Brooks an interview at Yale, Brooks tells Celia she’s weird and confident and someone might find that attractive eventually, and Celia learns that Brooks has mommy issues. This is the real turning point here. She goes from “you’re a cocky asshole I would never date” to “you’re a cocky asshole because your mom abandoned you and now I’m wet.” See, Brooks, she is just like all the other girls!
Celia tries to deny her feelings by going on a date with Franklin. Remember, this is her crush, the guy she was into because she thought he was artistic and real. She quickly finds out that he’s got about as much artistic integrity as a bride-to-be trying to defend her farmhouse chic aesthetic. Ain’t that the way the cookie always crumbles, Celia?
FRANKLIN: You and Brooks remind me of a couple of dung beetles.
Honestly, I couldn’t have phrased it better myself, Frankie.
Moving on to the scheduled breakup. Celia wears strappy heels for the evening letting us know that she’s ready to compromise her sense of self for a dude who has commitment issues. Honestly, so relatable. During the very public breakup he throws her private insecurities that she divulged to him in secret in her face in front of the entire school. While Celia is getting emotionally eviscerated, Shelby is trying (and failing) to look like the whole thing isn’t getting her wet.
SHELBY: I heard you just verbally assault your girlfriend back there…
ALSO SHELBY:
Like, am I taking crazy pills here? Why does everyone think this guy is a catch? Is being the “perfect date” synonymous with being a perfect d*ck? Because I do not understand why all of these girls are into him. Shelby and Brooks immediately start making out while I question my entire gender.
Fast forward to Shelby and Brooks’ date, and it’s not going well. Shelby is starting to find out what we’ve known for the past 60 minutes of this godforsaken movie: that Brooks has no personality and zero ambition other than getting into Yale. He’s really lucky he has that great smirk tbh.
Upon entering yet another high school dance (how many can this school possibly have in the span of a few weeks?) Shelby finds out about Brooksie’s little side hustle. Okay, I know she’s supposed to be the big shallow bitch here, but she is the only one in this entire movie who has an appropriate reaction to finding out Brooks is a teenage gigolo. THE ONLY ONE.
It’s only after Shelby dumps his ass out of sheer disgust that Brooks crawls on back to weird but confident Celia (his words, not mine).
CELIA: It turns out I’m more into oblivious, self-absorbed pricks.
BROOKS:
God! She’s insulting you, Brooks! Could you just this once not look like a smug piece of sh*t?
After two different girls dump Brooks, he starts to realize that maybe pimping himself out for money isn’t the desirable of a quality to have. I’m slightly alarmed that there’e only eleven minutes left in this movie and he’s only just figuring this out. I’m even more alarmed that upon telling his dad he’s a male gigolo all his dad says is “I was wondering what those late nights were about.” That’s it, I’m calling child services.
BROOKS: I just feel like you gave up on life. You’re a loser, dad.
BROOKS’ DAD: Um, I’m actually a tenured professor and we live in a modest home and I can afford to send you to college for virtually nothing so why don’t you get off my hump?
THANK YOU, SIR. I’ve only been yelling this at my TV for the last 90 minutes.
Brooks realizes there’s only one girl he wants and it’s Celia the one with self-esteem issues who might take him back. He lures her to a coffee shop under the pretenses that he wants her to read his college essay, when really, it’s a letter of his intent to be with her. It’s the only cute thing he’s done all movie. She takes him back, and, let’s face it, I would too. The end.
Despite the fact that I have done nothing but sh*t on this movie for the entirety of this post, I didn’t completely hate it. But the reason I watch these rom-coms is to find a little of that rom-com hero magic we got from Peter Kavinsky, and Brooks Rattigan was no such hero. If you were on the fence about watching this one, I’d say maybe wait and hold out until Noah actually reprises his role as Peter Kavinsky because this one left me with more feelings of rage than that absurd excuse for a Mueller report.
Images: Giphy (6)
I think we can all agree that while Netflix has been bringing it with the murder and scam documentaries lately, they’ve been sorely lacking in their monthly rom-com quotas. Look, don’t get it twisted. I love watching the fall of humanity one bingeable documentary at a time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate watching a bunch of very attractive twenty-somethings pretend to be very awkward high schoolers and somehow inspire my spiteful ass to believe in love again. That being said, brace yourselves, because Noah Centineo, aka Peter Kavinsky, aka the man who put his hand in Lara Jean’s back pocket (!!!), has a new movie coming out, and it is happening so so soon.
That’s right. This is not a drill, people. Our favorite barely legal Instagram thirst trap is gracing our screens once again, and I’m already making a note in my planner to call out sick when the movie drops on April 12th.
NETFLIX: Noah Centineo has a new moving coming out in two weeks.
ME:
Noah’s new movie is called The Perfect Date, and after having watched the trailer I just have, like, a lot of feelings. So let’s take a look at said trailer, shall we?
Let’s start with the opening scenes from the trailer. In a voiceover, Noah declares, “I’ve always wanted to date the most popular girl in school, drive the fanciest car, and go to the most prestigious school, but I can’t afford any of that.” I hate to break it to you, buddy, but if you think HIGH SCHOOL is too expensive for you, just wait until you find out it costs approximately $1,200 a month just to breath air as an adult.
Noah Centineo plays Brooks Rattigan, a poor nerd who, apparently, can only get a date if someone pays him. Lol, k. Are we really to believe, Netflix, that this face…
…can only get a date if it’s paid for?! If that’s true, then I think Noah can quit acting and start taking Venmo requests. I’ve got $168 in my savings account with his name on it. We’ll all set you up for life, bb.
But back to the premise. So Brooks Rattigan is poor and unpopular, despite looking like a goddamn snack in every scene he’s in. He’s working as a sandwich boy at an off-brand Subway, when one day he overhears two dudes talking about needing to pay someone to date their sister, and Noah is like “I volunteer as tribute, but only if I get to drive your car.” And the random dude SAYS YES. I take it back, this is starting to sound more and more like one of Netflix’s murder documentaries…
Brooks gets set up with a moody rich girl, Celia Lieberman, who I can already tell will be friend-zoned three seconds into this trailer because she has a personality and wears combat boots. Jesus. After his date with Celia, he decides that actually he’s pretty good at being a f*ckboy “stand-in date,” and decides to make a living at it by making his own app WHERE HE SELLS HIMSELF AS A PLUS ONE. I’m sorry, but is Netflix encouraging the prostitution of a minor rn?? Because this sounds less like a fun side hustle, and more like something Olivia Benson will try and prosecute in this season’s finale of Law & Order SVU. My favorite is that Brooks looks so proud of himself for thinking he’s pioneered the sex trade industry.
am i really going to sit thru a third netflix movie for an audience demo 15yrs younger than me just bc it stars noah centineo? u betcha https://t.co/hjigtWKDM8
— ? (@oneofthosefaces) March 27, 2019
As you can imagine, with a face like that, Brooks is absolutely thriving in his career as an underage escort and even gets a date with the hottest, most popular girl in school, Shelby Pace (aka Camila Mendes). We know Shelby is the most popular girl in school because she wears an inordinate amount of fur and barely speaks, and apparently that is enough to qualify her as Brooks’ “dream girl.” K. After getting everything he wants though, Brooks realizes maybe he’s actually into Celia, despite her having a personality of her own. Who will he choose? Well, it’s a real Sophie’s Choice there…
As I said, this trailer left me with a lot of thoughts and feelings, but mostly I’m extremely hype for this thing to release. The cast is, like, the perfect mashup of The CW and Freeform’s most beautiful rejects, and there’s truly nothing I love more than watching adults pretending to be teenagers dry hump in a janitor’s closet.
The Perfect Date drops Friday, April 12th, so feel free to cancel your plans right f*cking now.
Images: Giphy (1); YouTube (1); @ncentineo /Instagram (1); @oneofthosefaces / Twitter
Finally. The best time of the year is approaching and it is only then that we truly live our very *best* lives. Sure, day drinking and documenting your entire weekend at yet another music festival is cool and all, but have you ever binged an entire TV series while eating your weight in pasta? I guarantee you the latter is when we thrive—all in the comfort of our own home with a bottle of cheap Target wine, fall-themed candles, and a ton of blankets. As September kicks off this weekend, so does new Netflix content, reminding us how to get back into the swing of things. Unsurprisingly, this upcoming month is full of feel-good classics, corny shows we never cared for when they aired in real time, and of course, my favorite, good ol’ scary flicks. Here is the best sh*t coming to Netflix in September.
Scarface
To be fair, I’ve never seen this. Or, I should say, I haven’t seen this yet. I assume there’s a reason why it goes down in history as a classic and why it is also one of the most quotable films of all time. Betches love to quote sh*t. If you feel like watching the story of America’s OG gangsta, Tony Montana played by Al Pacino, and learning just where these young so-called rappers (i.e. Lil Xan) probably get their inspo from, virtually enjoy the cocaine-filled ride in Miami on September 1st.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
I. love. scary. movies. As a fangirl of many horror films, I can confidently say this is one to watch to get you totally psyched for fall. Sure, it has its share of gore and cliché sexualized female versus male scenes, but that only means it has the perfect excuse to grab your latest fling and call for an overdue Netflix & chill sesh.
American Horror Story: Cult
The witch is back, betches. Emma Roberts, terrifying demonic non-human creatures, and a show with a bunch of seasons to make your time worthwhile? Count me in. The seventh season of this binge-worthy miniseries is coming to Netflix next month, so now’s the time to start catching up with wtf is happening if you don’t already know.
The Breakfast Club
If you’re not ready to accept the fact that Starbucks has already brought back the PSL, you can continue to live in denial with a few classics that don’t resemble anything fall related—one being The Breakfast Club. Our parents probably saw this in theaters when it first came out, so yeah, it’s pretty old, but it still holds reign for being a true classic. Five high school students from different cliques (outcast, jock, nerd, etc.) take us through a much-needed comedic journey of their Saturday spent in high school detention. Molly Ringwald (who is always a #mood in every movie, tbh) and a handful of 80s heartthrobs are more than enough reasons to make you want to (re)watch.
Black Panther
This literally just came out in theaters and it’s already coming to Netflix. I guess they’re really stepping their game up this year (and it’s about time). Even if you have no idea what Marvel Comics is or you’ve yet to watch a single Avengers movie, it is absolutely fine to watch this one. Not only does it have a hot AF cast and is groundbreaking in various political aspects, but it has an action-packed storyline that will get you obsessed and wanting to follow the lives of the rest of the Avengers crew asap.
Photos: Freestocks.org / Unsplash; Giphy (5)
