Honest Reviews Of Isolation Movies, Watched In Isolation

Ever watched a movie on a plane and deemed it moving and brilliant and recommended it to everyone who’d listen, and then rewatched it later and realized it was… just fine? Something weird happens when you’re in that tin-can tube in the sky, some combination of elevation and cabin pressure and confined space and truly nowhere else to be. A flight is, in effect, a brief and voluntary quarantine.

Well, a plane ride is, what, 16 hours, max? So imagine what’s become of my movie-watching brain during four (4) consecutive weeks of self-isolation. I’m slowly growing feral alone in my 350-square-foot studio apartment, from which I haven’t had a face-to-face conversation since early March, which feels about as long ago as 1992. So, like the carefree Plane Me (only that smug bitch was free as a bird and zooming instead of Zooming), I’m sitting on my ass and watching movies galore. And for some reason, I can’t stop gravitating toward films that prominently feature isolation. 

Health advisory: Don’t be like me and decide to watch quarantine movies during quarantine. This has been your daily COVID briefing. 

‘I Am Legend’

The long shots of Will Smith, convincingly playing a virologist (why aren’t we hearing more from the virology community right now?), traipsing around the empty streets of Manhattan hit awfully close to home. By far the most unrealistic thing about this movie is that the immune humans he eventually encounters don’t know the Bob Marley classic, “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright.”   

‘Dawn of the Dead’

A mall would actually be a pretty sick spot to be holed up during the apocalypse (she thinks while glancing around at the four white walls pressing in around her). You’ve got an arcade, clothing, supplies…and who knows what wonders await when you bust open the walk-in freezer behind the Cinnabon? Also, decently sharp scissors in the Supercuts for when you inevitably get bored and decide to trim your own bags. As for me, I went at it with my kitchen scissors.

‘The Hunger Games’

I sh*t you not, I had the windows open while I was watching this and what wafted in was not airborne coronavirus molecules (when did we all become virologists?) but the dystopian sound of a police car circling the streets of my Brooklyn neighborhood, reminding everyone to stay six feet away from each other. If the Capitol ultimately decides to send a bunch of people into a biodome to fight to the death, can they please keep in mind that Glenn Beck quite literally volunteered as tribute


The scene with the flash flooding serves as a helpful reminder that natural disaster season is coming soon, whether we beat corona or not. 🙃


Sooo does anyone know of any Swedish cults living far enough away from civilization that they’re unaffected by COVID-19, and if so, where can I send the video application I already made? I like flowers and bright colors and dancing and open space, and it looks like they could really stand to up their diversity quotient. (See, I’m a hazel-eyed brunette.) 

‘The Lighthouse’

This movie is strong evidence against the live-streamed yoga and barre and Pilates classes people keep pushing on me. Whenever he’s not eating or masturbating, Robert Pattinson (along with the vermin glued below his nose) is carrying oil drums up the stairs or pushing a heavy wheelbarrow uphill or hauling up lobster traps and generally engaging in the kind of functional fitness regimen that would make Ryan Lochte nod approvingly. (Remember him? Douchebag swimmer best known for flipping tires in promotional videos and swiping right on you on Tinder but then refusing to reply to your message? #Olympics2020) Honestly, even R.Pat’s masturbation looks rather aerobic. And he still loses his mind during self-isolation—take THAT, suggested donation of $10-20 per class, MindBodyOnline.

‘A Quiet Place’

YOU HAVE AN ENTIRE FARMHOUSE AND NIGHTLY CAMPFIRE CIRCLES WITH THE NEIGHBORS? And yet you’re so lonely and isolated you’re having another child?! But also…why don’t you live behind the waterfall where you can shout? Why don’t you set a bunch of firecrackers off in a field and rush up into your lookout tower and shoot the monsters with assault rifles? Why doesn’t your baby cry? Where did you get the teeny-tiny baby-sized oxygen mask it’s so cute I want one too!


I mean, at least she had someone in there with her.

Images: Diego Cervo/Shutterstock.com; Giphy

Male Awards Voters Are Reportedly Skipping “Little Women”

The phrase “Dream Team” gets thrown around a little too often. Whether it’s someone referring to a bagel and iced coffee combo or when your coworkers talk about their trivia team that came in third, it’s been a little overused. The only time in recent history that it was beyond appropriate, perhaps even understated? When referring to the new Little Women film adaptation.

Directed and written by Greta Gerwig, actual genius and force behind Lady Bird and Frances Ha, this film was immediately considered to be a Film Du Jour. On top of that, you have top female producers behind it and… a cast that is essentially Fantasy Football but for the Oscars: Saoirse Ronan, Emma Watson, Laura Dern, Timothee Chalamet and yeah, Meryl Streep. An aggressively white period piece with quirky mainstream talent is usually the definition of Oscar bait. Which is why so many people are confused as to why it’s barely making any buzz in the award circuit this for? Oh yeah, men. 

The film’s big name producer Amy Pascal told Vanity Fair that male critics and awards voters don’t appear interested in a female-fronted film that tells the dynamic coming-of-age stories of a brilliant case of women.

According to Vanity Fair: “RSVPs for the first screening in October, as well as many others that Sony Pictures hosted around Los Angeles in recent weeks, were skewed about two to one in favor of women.”

“I don’t think that came to the screenings in droves, let me put it that way,” Pascal told the outlet. “And I’m not sure when they got their DVDs that they watched them.” She also noted she believes the skewed audience is more “unconscious bias” than “a malicious rejection,”

While women are mainly showing up for the screenings, men still dominate voting membership for major awards, though organizations are making progress towards gender parity.

It’s unfortunately not shocking that men aren’t flocking to this “coming-of-age period drama” because unfortunately John Wick is in zero scenes. Additionally, the title is a combination of two of their least favorite words: Little (unlike their penis, they swear) and Women. And no, this isn’t an Elizabeth Banks defending Charlies Angels like reasoning, but it sounds like they quite literally just aren’t showing up.

The snubbing has already begun with the Screen Actors Guild Awards COMPLETELY shutting out the film, which has a 97% Rotten Tomatoes score. (Don’t worry, they of course nominated The Irishman five times). The Golden Globes only gave the film two noms: Best Original Score and Best Actress for Saoirse. Naturally, when you see Saoirse’s name you immediately just write “Award Nominee” (which makes it very awkward for her at Starbucks) so her recognition was a given, but for the rest of this team to be snubbed is a bad sign for the Oscars—and just a harsh reality check about women-driven films. 

Pascal also noted that “Queen & Slim” which was directed by Melina Matsoukas and features police violence against an African American couple, has also been ignored by the awards.

“I think it’s kind of the same thing. It’s a different bias,” Pascal told Vanity Fair. “, These kinds of stories are important to me, and these kinds of stories are less important to me.”

Tracy Letts, one of the actors in Little Women, is tired of this (rightfully so), telling Vanity Fair that he “can’t believe we’re still having this f*cking discussion where movies by men, and about men, and for men are considered default movies. And women’s movies fall into this separate and unequal category It’s absurd.”

See, men, it’s not hard to make us swoon for you, just say that you believe things should be equally respected And I mean, Oscar nominations haven’t been released yet, and on top of that the film hasn’t even come out for the public, so hopefully the Oscar’s end up making up for these snubs (which, is an lol considering their history) or at least public opinion can sway people’s minds about this movie about a beautiful, important story. 

‘Grease’ Is Getting A Spin-Off & Here’s What We Know

It seems like everything we once loved is coming back in some new form, and I am so for it. You know, The Lion King, Charlie’s Angels, Beverly Hills, 90210, and the newest classic from our childhood to get the reboot treatment is Grease. Even though it’s set in the 1950s, Grease is a timeless movie that every generation can love and relate to. I grew up singing and dancing to “Summer Nights” and “Greased Lighting” in my basement and continue to sing scream both songs at Karaoke night every chance I get. That’s why it is so exciting that a new live-action musical series is coming out on HBO Max (HBO’s upcoming streaming service) that will reimagine the original iconic movie. There are not any specific dates for the series to be released, but I know for sure I’ll keep my eye out for it. 

Seriously, Tell Me More.

HBO Max’s description states, “It’s still the 1950s, a world that rocks with big musical numbers from the period combined with new original songs as well. It’s the peer pressures of high school, the horrors of puberty, and the rollercoaster of life in middle America with a modern sensibility that will bring it to life for today’s musical lovers.”

The Grease spin-off is going to be called Grease: Rydell High, and it will still take place in the 1950s (just as it did in the original movie) and revolve around the world of Rydell High where Danny and Sandy attended. It will feature big musical numbers from the era as well as incorporate new ones. It will also spotlight some characters in the original 1978 film and introduce many new ones. I’d be surprised if some of the original actors didn’t come back and sneak into new roles. I need Frenchy to make a return. 

Sarah Aubrey, head of content at HBO Max says, “It’s ‘Grease’ 2.0 but with the same spirit, energy and excitement you immediately think of when you hear any of these iconic songs.”

As great as the thought of this is, will they be able to recreate the magic? I hope so, but most classic films and shows are better left as they are. Will the Grease reboot be the one that we want? Stay tuned.

Images: Getty Images; GIPHY

Tina Fey, Amy Poehler & Maya Rudolph Teamed Up For A Hilarious New Movie

The devil works hard, but Netflix works harder. After dropping enough true crime documentaries to entertain me into the next century, and a new thirst trap movie starring none other than everyone’s favorite internet boyfriend, Noah Centineo, they have done one better and made a movie starring our favorite female comedy trio: Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Maya Rudolph. That’s right. The gang is back together again in a new movie called Wine Country, out May 8 in select theaters and May 10 on Netflix. Wow, so rude that Netflix would make all my dreams come true by putting three of my favorite women together in one movie, and then crush all those aforementioned dreams by making me wait a whole month to see it. I feel scammed, hustled, hoodwinked, led astray!!

Wine Country is one of those comedies about longtime best friends—think Bridesmaids or Girls Trip. In it, Amy Poehler’s character, Abby, plans a 50th birthday Napa getaway for her friend Rebecca (played by hilarious SNL alum Rachel Dratch). Along for the ride are the rest of their crew: workaholic Catherine (Ana Gasteyer), post-op Val (Paula Pell), homebody Jenny (Emily Spivey), and weary mom Naomi (Maya Rudolph). As you can imagine from your own encounters with wine, once these ladies get a few glasses deep, things get out of control. I mean, the last time I went on a wine tasting, I went from zero to “so I don’t think I’m capable of love” real quick, so I can only imagine what’s going to happen in a comedy directed by Amy Poehler.

I’m not saying Wine Country is going to be the next best thing since Mean Girls, but I will say that with this cast, I’m probably going to watch it. (That’s saying a lot coming from me—I don’t tend to watch movies on Netflix because I have commitment issues picking one.) I just hope that with this star-studded cast, Netflix doesn’t bamboozle us and give us a bad movie. Only time will tell! Wine Country drops on Netflix May 10, so I’m going to stock up on my favorite sauvignon blanc just in time for the occasion.

Lala Kent Is In A New WWII Movie, And Here’s Everything We Know

If you know Lala Kent at all (which I clearly do on a close personal level after watching her on my TV screen for the past three-ish years), you probably know her as the Vanderpump Rules hostess with an affinity for private jets and a special relationship with Tupac. There’s no denying that Lala has had a very successful few years: she launched a makeup line, cracked 1M Instagram followers, and got engaged to her super-rich producer boyfriend, Randall Emmett. One perk of dating Randall is the boost he’s apparently offered Lala’s acting career. In 2018, Lala starred in The Row, a 2018 sorority-horror movie that Randall produced, and which is already green-lit for a sequel. Recently, Lala has been posting on Instagram that she’s acting in a new movie, but it’s not another horror flic. Lala Kent’s new movie is a WWII drama set in Weimar Germany called Axis Sally. And yes, it’s produced by Randall. Oh boy. Here’s what we know about Lala Kent’s new movie.

It’s Based On A True Story

Honestly, I have no idea why Randall or Lala were drawn to this particular story, but here we go. Axis Sally is based on the story of a woman called Mildred Gillars, an American broadcaster who disseminated German propaganda from Berlin during WWII. After the war, (spoilers) Mildred is captured by the U.S., convicted of treason, and sentenced to “ten to thirty” years imprisonment (which is incidentally the same amount of time I will remain in grad school). Mildred’s story is definitely not the “brave gentile saves and hides endangered Jews” heroic tale we’ve come to expect from WWII movies and literature, that’s for sure.

Now, before you freak out, Lala isn’t playing the lead—she’s playing the assistant to one of the prosecutors in Gillars’ case. Mildred Gillars (aka Axis Sally) is played by Meadow Williams. I’d never heard of Meadow Williams before researching this, so I gave her a quick Google. Her personal website describes her as a “remarkable young actress from the farmlands of Tennessee,” which sounds to me like the set-up for a porno, but okay. There’s also some fascinating information about her legal troubles with her late husband’s family. (TL;DR his kids think she faked his will to get more money, which honestly sounds like a more interesting story than Axis Sally.) The meanest best description I could find for Meadow Williams is from the Daily Mail, and it labels her a “D-list actress branded a gold digger.” So, a WWII drama about a distributor of Nazi propaganda, in which both of the cast members we know of so far are known for reality TV and (allegedly) gold-digging. What could go wrong?

In case you’re curious, here’s a picture of Meadow Williams in her full Weimar Germany-era getup, sitting in a courtroom that I have seen no less than one thousand times on Lala’s Instagram story in the past week. (I would think that violates some sort of NDA or waiver they would have signed, but apparently not?)

View this post on Instagram

Happy birthday to this pretty lady. Meadow, you have beauty and a heart and soul to match. I’m so thankful for your friendship. Have the best day ever♥️ @meadow.williams Ps. She is slaying it as Axis Sally. Game Over.

A post shared by Give Them Lala (@lalakent) on

Very Random Celebs Are Involved

First, as you already know, Lala’s fiancé, Randall Emmett, is producing the movie. He posted a kind-of cute Instagram about it recently, featuring Lala in the outfit I now suspect she wears for the entire movie, given the number of Instagram stories and pictures I’ve seen it in. (I say the Instagram is kind of cute because there are TWO typos. It’s not even a long caption.)

View this post on Instagram

@lalakent proud of you and this role that your crushing from the 1940s they all going to be blown away!!

A post shared by Randall Emmett (@randallemmettfilms) on

Also, can we discuss how Lala looks like Jaime Lannister here??

Jaime Lannister

Tell me I’m wrong. I’ll wait.

While I’d always thought Randall just kind of threw money behind different productions and that’s how he earned his “producer” title, it turns out he actually has a production company: MoviePass Films. Yep, like the app. IMO, this explains why Randall’s movies keep tanking (Gotti, anyone?)these people are not good at business!!

Also involved in this movie: Kate Bosworth, who you should know as the girl everyone had a crush on in the ‘90s. (If you don’t know who she is, you’re too young and I hate you.) Her main and/or only involvement seems to be the fact that her husband, Michael Polish, is the director, but that hasn’t stopped her from accompanying them to every set location and Instagramming the sh*t out of the whole thing.

First Khloé Kardashian, now Kate Bosworth… people in Hollywood really like Lala.

On the bright side, it’s nice to see Lala diversifying her friend group. The list of random celebs involved with this movie continues with Al Pacino, a very serious A-list actor, and then someone named Alexa Dellanos. Dellanos has 1.1M Instagram followers, but I can find out literally zero information about her other than the fact that she was once spotted with boyfriend and graffiti artist Alec Monopoly, who I’ve also never heard of. If anyone can tell me what she does, how her waist is so small, and why she’s in a movie with Al Pacino, I am eagerly accepting suggestions.

This Isn’t Lala’s Only Dramatic Role

While Lala’s not exactly known for her serious genre work, it turns out Axis Sally isn’t the only drama she’s filmed this year. She’s also appearing in Vault, a 2019 crime drama set in the ‘70s.
How I’m picturing Lala’s role in Vault:

In case you were wondering, I trawled extensively and could not find Randall’s name in connection to Vault, so it’s nice to know she’s not exclusively working on his sets. While I personally didn’t love The Row (you can read my review here), I have to assume the fact that it’s getting a sequel means enough people did like it (or at least watched it). And while I would’ve expected Lala to go in a more “designing handbags” direction with her 30s, I guess I’m here for her “attempt at an Oscar” years instead. Truly, the year we see Lala Kent get nominated for an acting award is the year we know we’ve entered the sunken place.

What did I miss about Axis Sally? The movie has a $25 million budget (that’s a lot of PJ rides!), and is shooting in Puerto Rico. So when you see Lala posting incessantly from Puerto Rico for the next few weeks, you’ll know why. (JK, you’d know why anyway—she mentions in every single IG Story that she’s on her way to set. It’s almost like…she really, really wants people to know she’s in a movie??) So, if we all survive 2019, we can look forward to watching Lala Kent confer with Al Pacino, Instagram models, and background actors dressed in Nazi gear in 2020. Or, you know, not watch it. No one will judge you.

Images: Instagram; Instagram; Instagram; Giphy (1)

‘The Santa Clause’ Recap: This Is Darker Than I Remember

Hello fellow Christmas movie lovers! I am sincerely so excited to recap The Santa Clause for you today. The Santa Clause is the best Christmas movie of all time, and I can definitively say that now that I’ve finally seen Die Hard and can confirm without a question that that is not a Christmas movie. Don’t @ me. Anyway, you all seemed to like the recap of The Princess Switch, so we’re back at it with this one! I hope you all enjoy this recap as much as I enjoy this movie and as much as Scott Calvin enjoys the cookie dispenser in his sleigh. Let’s begin!

We start out at Scott Calvin’s office Christmas party, where they are celebrating the success of the Do-It-All-For-You Dolly. Excuse me? What exactly does Dolly do for you, Scott? 

This party appears to be catered, so it’s already 1000% nicer that the “party” my office throws every year, where I can help myself to a Solo cup of kosher wine and watch rich people fight over who gets the airpods during the white elephant. This party lets us know right off the bat that Scotty is a real jerk, since he immediately interrupts his female colleague. TBH this could be set in 2018.

Scott leaves the party and is late to meet his son and ex-wife for the Christmas Eve drop off. Scott’s son, Charlie, is doubtful Santa exists, because his stepdad Neil told him that there was no Santa. A+ parenting, Neil. What kind of an asshole tells a kid that Santa is a “state of mind”? That sounds like the type of sh*t an Instagram influencer would say. My parents still haven’t told me Santa isn’t real, which I sincerely appreciate. And once my cousin Marisa told me Santa wasn’t real and I laughed it off, told her that was impossible, and have not respected her since. As it should be.

Charlie really doesn’t want to stay at his dad’s tonight and tells his mom to pick him up: “We’re talking sunup, you’re here?” 

Me rn:

Scott starts a fire while trying cook a turkey (same), so they end up at Denny’s. We’re about five minutes in, and Scott has already insulted Neil in about 100 different ways. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

They get back to the house and Scott reads Charlie The Night Before Christmas. Charlie starts asking logistical questions about Santa and everyone knows you don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to, Charlie! Just shut up and go to sleep! Tomorrow you get free stuff!

Charlie wakes up in the middle of the night and hears something on the roof and goes to wake up his dad. This is not good, Charlie, not good. This is how every murder movie starts. Scott goes outside in his boxers, scares the daylights out of Santa, who falls off the roof! They should make those boots with better treads, am I right? Scott takes a card out of SC’s pocket, revealing what he should do next.

Then the body of Santa LITERALLY DISAPPEARS and Scott is most concerned that the man is running around naked somewhere. Lol that’d be just another Tuesday night in New York City, pal. Also, is anyone else concerned about the fact that Charlie is not scarred over the fact his dad just murdered Santa?? Sociopath much, Chuck?

Charlie and Scott go up to the roof using the mysterious ladder that just appeared (?) and get into Santa’s sleigh. Sure, why not. The reindeer take that as their cue to GTFO and they fly their crazy selves and the Calvins to some richie rich’s house. I forgot how heavily featured Tim Allen’s thighs were in this film. I don’t hate it.

Scott doesn’t want to put on Santa’s suit and go down a chimney, but Charlie uses the oldest trick in the book and guilts him into it. That kid is annoying af, but boy, is he a master of manipulation. I tip my hat to you, young sir.

This is a niceeeee house. Now’s your chance to change the meaning of Christmas, Scott. Santa grabs what he can carry and makes a run for it! A tale we’ll tell your children for years to come! But instead of making out with the good china, Scott sets off the alarm and a very aggressive Pitbull, but manages to escape with his life. When the reindeer fly to the next house, Scott realizes the kind of long night he’s looking at. Man, I remember staying up all night staring down the barrel of an 11-page essay I hadn’t started; I can only imagine the horror that must set in when you realize you have to visit ALL THE HOUSES IN THE WORLD. Because let’s be real, even the people I know that aren’t Christian usually celebrate. I SEE YOU.

In the second house, Scott starts threatening a child, and I feel like that makes sense. It’s hard to be magnanimous when you’re in ill-fitting clothes. 

At some point in the evening there is a precious yellow lab puppy that appears and it better be coming to my house. I’m in love like I never have been before. I’ve got a dog bed with your name on it, Bosco.

After making all their deliveries, the reindeer drop Scott and Charlie off at the most magical looking snow heaven. A precious little elf lowers them into the factory. Inside there are reindeer that are most definitely not wearing fake antlers, giant candy canes, and lots of toys.


They are greeted by the grumpiest motherf*cker in the North Pole, Bernard, and I can understand why he would be so hostile since he basically has to do all the work for Santa but get none of the glory. Middle management sucks. Charlie and Bernard hit it off because they’re both whiney little b*tches, and I’m happy they each have a friend now since they ain’t never gonna find another one. Bernard gives Charlie a snow globe that will, SPOILER ALERT, factor into the story later.

It’s at this point that Bernard explains the Santa “Clause” that says that because Scott put on the suit, he is now Santa Claus. If only other jobs worked like that, like Victoria’s Secret Angel wings. The places I could go in this life. Also. Can we take a moment to talk about this little play on words here? Because how is a small child to know that this title was not, in fact, the correct spelling of Santa Claus, and that she shouldn’t spell Santa Claus with an e deep into her 20’s until someone finally laughs at her and the shame she feels is unbearable? HOW SHOULD SHE KNOW??

Scott refuses to accept that he is Santa, and Bernard, being the d*ck he is, yells at him that he better get used to it. A lovely elf named Judy shows him to his room and I want to live in it so badly I’ve already began researching ways to kill Santa Claus this year. FBI, if you’re reading this, that was just a joke! (It was not a joke.) There is also a weird interaction here where Scott accidentally hits on a child elf who reveals she’s over 1,200 years old. I’m sorry if your boss made you uncomfortable, Judy. I’d love to tell you it’s a brave new world out here in 2018, but I’d be lying. Maybe in another 1,200 years!

Scott goes to sleep and Charlie wakes him up on Christmas morning with a lovely physical assault. This kid is the worst. Scott is still wearing those baller monogrammed jammies that he got at the North Pole and he’s got a real bad feeling. Okay I have a major problem with this scene. It’s Christmas morning, why is Charlie already in jeans? Jeans are not leisurewear. I’m not even changing out of my PJ’s at all between Christmas and New Years—not even when I have to go to work—and this kid puts on jeans first thing Christmas morning? I’m calling the cops.

Charlie’s mom comes to pick him up and he’s already spilling all the deets about last night. BE COOL, CHARLIE. The first rule of fight club: You do not talk about fight club. Scott is still convinced it was a dream or some sort of psychotic episode (I imagine).

Okay all of a sudden it’s career day at school and Charlie announces that his dad is Santa Claus. God, Charlie! The second rule of fight club: You do not talk about fight club. How many rules is this kid going to break?!

Naturally Charlie’s mom Laura and that condescending bowl of whole wheat spaghetti that she’s with, Neil, are concerned about Charlie’s mental health. Scott takes Charlie on an outing to convince him that he’s not actually Santa and it seems his efforts may be in vain because they are being followed by a line of reindeer. I hate when that happens.

Neil starts asking Charlie tough questions about Santa and Charlie tells him, “just because you haven’t seen something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.” Coincidentally, that’s also the line I use when people ask me why I didn’t bring a boyfriend to yet another family event.

Okay one day Scott wakes up and he has grown a beard and gained a ton of weight. He has nothing to wear and runs into work late and wearing a sweatsuit. It’s sad and pathetic and exactly the outfit I want to wear to work every day.

Scott’s coworkers are very concerned about his weight and I think it’s very rude to bring up someone’s food issues at the office, OKAY SUSAN? Scott goes to the doctor and aside from the fact that he’s gained 45 pounds all in the tummy in a WEEK, he seems perfectly healthy. But he does tell the doctor he’s been eating a diet of milk and cookies, and doesn’t he know that it’s always in your best interest to lie to the doctor? That’s why I always just check off the box that says “social drinker.” They can’t make you change what they don’t know about!

I’m not sure the timeline we’re on here now, but Scott’s at Charlie’s soccer game looking an awful lot like Santa, and the children are lining up to sit on his lap and list their Christmas present demands. Just a tip here Scotty, maybe ditch the red hoodie for a gray one?? Laura and Neil are once again not pleased and threatening Scott with taking away Charlie.

Laura and Neil take Charlie to see a psychiatrist and talk about when they stopped believing in Santa. Neil reveals that he stopped believing when he was THREE because he did not get an Oscar Mayer weenie whistle. WOW. I don’t think I was even conscious of being alive at age three, let alone capable of not believing in Santa. As our President would say, SAD!

Time is moving fast now and we’re getting closer to Christmas so naturally the Grinch Neil gets Scott’s parental rights taken away, and damn, this is darker than I remember. Scott goes to see Charlie at his house, and I swear even though Charlie is the most annoying kid on Earth, I feel bad that his parents are gaslighting him. He’s too young to know that’s the oldest trick in the book. 

Okay so time moved really fast and it’s actually Christmas Eve. Laura and Neil report Scott for kidnapping Charlie (when he goes with him to deliver presents) and the police are officially involved. But Scott ain’t got time for this because he’s got work to do.

This year’s sleigh has gotten some upgrades, most notably a cookie and cocoa dispenser. Hi Honda, pls include in next year’s Civic model. K, thanks!

Okay so these two morons decide that they’re going to go to Laura and Neil’s house to deliver presents. HI HELLO IDIOT SANTA AND YOUR DUMDUM SPAWN! You just kidnapped their kid! You’re gonna go back to the scene of the crime? Do you think this is the way the Golden State Killer evaded capture for decades? NO! Get the hell outta there.

Naturally Santa Scott gets arrested, so it’s time to deploy E.L.F.S., elves with attitude! My favorite part of the movie. Just because we are small does not mean we aren’t mighty! Pop Quiz: would you guys prefer flying via reindeer and sleigh, or by jet pack? For me it’s a toss-up, but I think the cookie dispenser puts me firmly in sleigh territory.

The elves with attitude tie up the policeman and rescue Santa Scott using tinsel! Is tinsel officially the most underrated prison escape tool of all time? If only Andy Dufresne knew about it!

After the prison break, Charlie returns home to tell his mom and Neil that he’s fine. Neil is wearing another heinous sweater. Santa Scott tells Charlie that he has to stay home while he delivers presents. Damn, prison changed him.

All of a sudden Laura believes that Scott is Santa, and so does Neil. And it appears we are all officially onboard with this then! Okay! 

Bernard shows up at the house to tell Charlie that any time he wants to see his dad, he just needs to shake his snow globe. Better not drop that thing, butterfingers.

Before Santa flies off he leaves Neil with that weenie whistle he wanted so badly. I hope that helps you with your trust issues, Neil! Of course, immediately after Santa leaves, Charlie shakes the snow globe like the annoying son of a b*tch he’s always been. Your privileges are revoked, Charlie. Scott comes back of course, and takes the kiddo for a ride to deliver presents, drink cocoa, and talk about how Neil’s head comes to a point.  And they fly off into the night!

The end! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. And when I wake up, I’m getting a CAT scan!

Images: Giphy (8)

The Best TV Shows & Moves To Binge On Netflix This December

You made it through Thanksgiving, but there’s like, so much more holiday season to endure. That means more family, more spending money, more office parties, and more blizzards. What a joyous season. The only good part about December is that it means 2018 is slowly coming to an end. That’s a good thing at least. So to close out the year, here are some of our top movies and TV shows for you to watch on Netflix this December.

Dec 1: ‘The Big Lebowski’

My ex-boyfriend’s Instagram bio was “I don’t roll on Shabbos” and I thought that was a reference to rolling joints. Turns out it’s from this movie, which is about bowling. Basically, these two guys share the same name, Jeffrey Lebowski. But like, one’s an avid bowler and one’s a millionaire whose wife gets kidnapped. Millionaire Jeff doesn’t want to get his hands dirty, so he hires bowling star Jeff to go pay his wife’s ransom. Obviously, sh*t goes wrong because you trusted a guy who spends his time in rented shoes with your money and wife’s life. This movie is apparently a “cult favorite” and my ex-boyfriend’s, so go watch it.

Dec 1: ‘Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs’

This movie is pure nostalgia. Remember the book we all read and loved in like, elementary school or whatever? This is that, but with a twist. Flint Lockwood sucks at inventing things, but one day makes a food machine that flies up into the atmosphere and actually works. His town is f*cking thrilled (as one would be) but end up getting too greedy and fat making the machine go haywire. IDK about you, but this movie f*cking scared me when it originally came out in 2009. People were legit getting squashed by cheeseburgers and spaghetti tornados coming from the sky. Now thinking about it, that sounds like a pretty good way to go.

Dec 1: ‘8 Mile’

Once you’ve binged Lady Gaga and Demi Lovato’s documentaries, you can move on to this. It’s not really a documentary, but more ~based on a true story~. Eminem plays Jimmy, a guy from Detroit who hates his life working at a car factory and want to be a rapper. Brittany Murphy (RIP) plays Jimmy’s love interest and has sex with him in the car factory cause she finds it hot that he stands up for his gay co-worker, Paul, who was getting insulted via rap battle. If that’s not reason enough to watch this, here’s another: Mom’s spaghetti.

Dec 7: ‘Free Rein: The 12 Neighs of Christmas’

If you’ve already watched The Princess Switch and are still in need of your terribly wonderful cheesy Christmas movie, look no further. This movie is based on the show Free Rein, a British TV series with major horse-girl energy. Zoe drops a Christmas ornament and somehow discovers a ~family secret~. Who TF hides family secrets inside Christmas ornaments? How did you even get it in there anyways? This movie includes a Mistletoe Ball, evil b*tch boss, hot elf man, and some sort of Santa in a shack—I like it already.

Dec 7: ‘Dumplin’

This movie is what would happen if Toddlers & Tiaras suddenly became woke. The movie stars plus-size teen Willowdean Dickson (find a more southern name, I actually dare you), who signs up for her mom’s pageant because she wants to start a “revolution in heels”. This is the feminist, body-loving movie I’ve been waiting for. I feel like this is a role Rachel Green would’ve died for had she taken up an acting career. I’m just praying it doesn’t turn out like Sierra Burgees Is A Loser because that was an abomination. Besides, how could something with Jen Aniston AND Dolly Parton SINGING be bad? The answer is simple, it cannot.

Dec 7: ‘The American Meme’

Be #cultured and spend your time watching a documentary starring the likes of Paris Hilton, The Fat Jewish, Emily Ratajkowski, Hailey Baldwin, and more. Watch how these influencers with literally no talent other than posting photos make a sh*t ton more money than you. After showing at the Tribeca Film Festival earlier this year, Netflix jumped to purchase this work of art. Any movie where Paris Hilton and The Fat Jewish are quoted as experts is one I want to see. This documentary may or may not be educational, but either way, it’s going to be entertaining.

Dec 16: ‘Baby Mama’

This movie is one of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s best works. Kate, played by Tina Fey, is a single businesswoman who put her career before her personal life and forgets to have a baby. The struggle is f*cking real. She can’t get pregnant or adopt, so she hires Angie, played by Amy Poehler, as the surrogate. Angie fakes her pregnancy for a little while thinking she could just steal Kate’s money and peace. But then she ends up actually being pregnant with her own baby.

Dec 14: ‘Fuller House’ Season 4

This show is absolute garbage yet I find myself binge watching it with a half-empty bottle of wine more often than not. Nothing will ever live up to the original Full House, but this show has made it four seasons, so I guess it has to be kind of good? Mary-Kate and/or Ashley have still not returned as Michelle and that’s thoroughly disappointing. But there’s a Christmas episode included in this season, so it’s totally festive. Joey dresses up as Santa so like, that might be charming or scary depending on who you are. And we get to find out the fate of Danny Tanner’s love life after Vicky made a return at the end of season three. Thrilling.

Dec 14: ‘Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina: A Midwinter’s Tale’

Even though it only came out a month ago, you’ve probably already binged the entire season of the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. If you aren’t scared sh*tless of this show by now, get ready for their holiday special. Christmas time means that the Church of Night (a totally not suspicious name) celebrates the Winter Solstice, the longest night of the year. They all sit around a fire and tell ghost stories. Sounds cute and harmless until you remember that they all literally worship the devil. This is def not your traditional Hallmark holiday special, but if you’re a spooky b*tch, you’ll enjoy it.

Dec 14: ‘The Fix’

Does reading about the state of our crumbling world make you want to hide in a cave for the rest of existence? Yes? Then this is the show for you. Netflix’s latest panel show hosts top comedians and poses them with questions about how to solve some of the world’s greatest conundrums. Will they solve anything? Probably not. Will they be a hell of a lot closer than our current government is to solving anything? Definitely.

Dec 21: ‘Back With The Ex’

The title of this show is also known as the worst possible text message you could ever send to or receive from your best friend. This Australian reality show takes four singles and reconnects them with their exes. I think I would rather tweeze every hair on my body than partake in this, but I’m totally down to watch other people try. The only thing that would make this show better is if there was a Bachelor(ette) spin-off where they put former couples back in the mansion together. I want a full Jake and Vienna breakup meltdown all over again.

Dec 25: ‘Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown’ Season 11

The second last season of Anthony Bourdain’s show is coming to Netflix to on Christmas, how pleasant. *Wipes tears*. As a world-famous chef and travel documentarian, Bourdain explores unusual foods and fascinating places around the world. This season takes us through West Virginia, Uruguay, Newfoundland, Armenia, Hong Kong, Berlin, Louisiana, and Bhutan.

 Dec 26: ‘YOU’

Just in case you needed to hate Dan Humphrey a little more, here it is. Penn Badgley plays Joe Goldberg, a bookstore owner (classic Dan) who develops a crush on an aspiring writer, Beck. Aw, cute. Until it’s not. Turns out, Beck has sh*t privacy settings and Joe knows a thing or two about stalking people (perhaps from his days as Gossip Girl?). In true Dan Humphrey fashion, what starts out as an innocent crush on Serena Beck eventually turns like, criminal. Explore the blurred lines between love-struck or dangerously obsessed with this feel-good show that reminds us all that men are trash.

Images: JESHOOTS.com/Pexels Giphy (6)

An Honest Recap Of ‘The Princess Switch’

It’s officially after Thanksgiving, which means that, like it or not, Christian or not, we are now in full-on Christmas mode. So I decided I would lean into the holiday spirit this year and watch one of the hundreds of Christmas movies Netflix has pumped out this holiday season. There were so many to choose from, but I decided to go with The Princess Switch. Why? Because I wanted to see what Vanessa Hudgens has been up to, and I always find it funny when actors play their own twins in movies, as if we don’t have eyes. So without further ado, let’s get into my honest and not-at-all-salty The Princess Switch recap.

The movie opens in Chicago (I thought it was New York, tbh, but later found out the entire movie—including the Chicago scenes—was actually filmed in Romania), and we see Vanessa Hudgens working at a bakery, that she presumably owns. Isn’t she a little young? Meh, whatever. Vanssa has a hot sous chef, and I didn’t realize bakeries had sous chefs, so I’ve already learned two things less than one and a half minutes into this movie. An hour and 41 minutes well spent.

Hot Sous Chef has a daughter (zaddy), and Vanessa is her godmother. There’s apparently some big Christmas baking show in a place called Belgravia (is that like, the sister country to Genovia?) that Vanessa Hudgens has been wanting to enter in forever, but never did, presumably because she never thought she was good enough, or never had enough time. Just Christmas movie things! For once, I’d like to see the lead in a Christmas movie have high self-esteem and enjoy hoeing.

However, back to this baking contest. Now, this is not any cookie making contest. This is a ROYAL baking contest, with a formal invitation and everything. Enclosed with the invitation is a photo of a hot prince. You don’t need to have eyes to see where this is going.

Vanessa is like “We can’t close the bakery right before Christmas!” and Hot Sous Chef is like “B*tch you haven’t done sh*t since your last boyfriend dumped you, it’s time to live a little.” This will be a recurring theme throughout the movie.

Vanessa exits the store and gives what appears to be a Salvation Army man some money, at which point they have an entire conversation about how she wishes she had someone to spend Christmas with (thirstyyyy). He says “Christmas wishes have been known to come true.” And that’s how I know some fantastical sh*t is going down in this movie—I don’t even talk to my own therapist this intimately. This girl opened up about her innermost thoughts to a random dude collecting charity money? K.

Vanessa then runs right into her ex, some dude named Paul. Right as he says he’s been thinking about her (lie), some girl comes up, makes out with him on the street, and they do the whole “Who are you?” “I’m Stacey , I’m sure Paul has mentioned me” thing. The gf is like:

I Don't Know Her

Way harsh, Paul.

Vanessa basically decides to go to Belgravia out of spite, just to one-up Paul and his new gf, who are meeting Paul’s parents over Christmas. Honestly, I can relate. Why do I get the feeling that in the entire fictional 3 years Vanessa and Paul dated, she never got to meet his parents? It’s possible I’m just projecting my past traumas here. But I could be right.

She arrives in what’s basically Santa’s Village with Hot Sous Chef and his daughter, and who do you know is there? Salvation Army guy! He explains there’s a royal wedding about to happen. And here I am, watching movies to escape royal wedding bullsh*t. I will never escape Meghan Markle, even in fictional kingdoms. This is my life now.

Salvation Army guy says to Vanessa, totally out of context, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” He’s now the second person to use this cliche so far in this movie. Oh boy, I sense a moral coming on.

Okay so at the place where the contest is being held, some redhead named Brianna Michael comes up to Vanessa, and we learn 3 things: 1) she’s a b*tch. 2) she’s Vanessa’s mortal enemy. 3) she probably slept her way through cooking school. Is slut-shaming really in the Christmas spirit? Brianna purposefully spills some sh*t on Vanessa, because she’s in third grade presumably, and when Vanessa goes to clean up, she literally bumps right into….

HER TWIN. Aka Lady Margaret Delacourt, one half of the couple getting married during the aforementioned royal wedding. For someone claiming to be from a fictional land called “Montenaro”, she’s speaking with a weird British accent. Vanessa Hudgens is no Lindsay Lohan, I’ll say that. But seriously, it’s like Vanessa Hudgens studied Lindsay Lohan’s British accent as her barometer for what constitutes a good British accent.

Lady Delacourt asks Stacey (I can’t keep using Vanessa because now there are two) for her help with her wedding cake. Sure, totally normal to ask of someone you’ve known for 10 seconds. Don’t you have royal bakers for this??

Stacey runs off, and Hot Sous Chef’s kid is all, “I wish you and Stacey were dating.” Hot Sous Chef is all, “nah, she’s just a friend.”

Sure Jan

Okay so this wedding cake meeting is actually a ruse. Lady Delacourt doesn’t need help with her cake, but what she does want is to switch places with Stacey for two days. So this is really a Parent Trap/Lizzie McGuire situation. What could go wrong? Umm, the baking contest for one?? Ugh, these two are gonna “switch back at midnight” the night before the competition. Why do you have to go all Cinderella with this sh*t? Why can’t you just switch at like, 5pm, like work shifts?

British Vanessa: So you’ll do it?
American Vanessa: Well, why not? Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans!

F*cking kill me with this sh*t.

So now we’re treated to a makeover and royal lesson montage. Let me just say, British Vanessa is no Julie Andrews, and whoever gave her this sh*tty lob is no Paolo.

While all this is happening, there’s some random red headed lady creepily watching in the corner. Is she like, an aide? TBD.

The Prince or whoever shows up, so the real British Vanessa hides behind a couch. It goes about as well as you’d expect. Honestly this whole movie is a lot of “don’t look over there while I dramatically gesture and keep glancing in the exact place I don’t want you to look!” 

Real British Vanessa sets off to sight-see with Hot Sous Chef and his daughter, while Fake British Vanessa goes off to attend meetings. Gotta say, this feels like the worst trade deal in history, possibly ever.

Okay so the redheaded aide has basically been looking after The Duchess since she was a child. She seems weirdly invested in this plan, though. Like, why are you so down with a random woman impersonating your boss for a few days? Am I alone in this?

Once alone, American Vanessa immediately goes to the Duchess’s closet to try on her fancy hats, as ya do. The Prince shows up and quotes The Little Prince, you know that book you read in middle school French class? And American Vanessa acts like he just wrote her a personalized poem. It’s a very famous book! That’s not impressive! Also, there are way better quotes from The Little Prince! I would know—I almost got one tattooed on me, before realizing my dad is disappointed me enough as it is already and I didn’t need to add another reason. Moving on.

Vanessa shows up to breakfast with the King and Queen in the same outfit as the day before. Aren’t there some royal rules about this? And…surprise!!! The Prince canceled his meeting with Spain to spend more time with his fiancée. This means they’re going horseback riding ($10 say American Vanessa has never ridden a horse). Meanwhile, King What’s His Name has noticed the Duchess has been acting weird and tells one of his butlers or someone, who just looks evil, to keep an eye on her. Dramaaaa!


The horseback riding, predictably, goes horribly. The Prince at one point wipes something away from Vanessa’s eye, and she practically jumps his bones right then and there. I mean, like, damn I haven’t had sex in 357 days, but even I wouldn’t orgasm at a guy wiping away an eyelash. Then Vanessa decides to go all Women’s March on the Prince when he suggests she plan their wedding instead of getting involved in international politics. Like, number one, isn’t the wedding in a week? What’s left to plan? Number two, should you really be like, f*cking up international relations when you’re supposed to be out of the picture a day from now? I’m all for women getting involved in politics, but this does not seem like the time or place.

British Vanessa, Hot Sous Chef, and the daughter go to paint ornaments or some sh*t, when Salvation Army dude walks up to be like, “Hey, Hot Sous Chef, you should date Vanessa.” Sounding like my dad on Thanksgiving. Mind your own business, old man!

Back at the palace, the Prince apologizes to Vanessa for being an ass. He’s like, “you’re gonna be my wife, if you have political opinions I want to know them.” And just like that, we brought about gender equality! Good work, everybody. Let’s pack it in.

No seriously, can we pack it in? I’m already regretting committing to this movie. It’s why I don’t usually watch movies—I have commitment issues.

Vanessa and the prince go to some charity ball, and this hoe is SMITTEN. Like, what? You don’t even know this dude! Don’t go all Meghan Markle on me and give up your whole life and career for a dude you don’t even know. That’s not what Christmas is about!

Immediately upon arriving at the charity ball, Vanessa grills the King and Queen about the details of the homeless shelter this charity is supposedly for. SMH, she has no manners. But also, the King and Queen being like “we don’t concern ourselves with the details of the charities we donate to” is very #richpeoplethings. In retaliation, the king and queen are like “Hey aren’t you an awesome piano player? Go play something for us!” LOL and that’s why you don’t shade the king and queen. The Prince bails her ass out and they do a duet, and everybody claps and nobody notices he just had to teach her how to play two chords. TWO.

The Prince goes looking for the Duchess, and who does he run into? Salvation Army man and his meddling ass, telling him they make a good couple. The Prince finds Vanessa in the gazebo, where they proceed to dance. Christ, it’s like they took the most cliche part of every existing holiday movie and just shoddily sewed it together.

I’ve just been alerted that Hot Sous Chef’s name is Kevin, and he is a hottie WITH. A. BODY. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be stalking his Instagram and sliding into his DMs. His name is Nick Sagar and his handle is @nickdsagar. That is my charitable contribution for the year. You’re welcome.

Oprah Shrug

I’m skipping a lot in the middle because it’s just dumb sh*t. American Vanessa (while pretending to be British Vanessa) gets way too excited to bake cookies for some orphans, and this is apparently a huge royal scandal. You’re not supposed to actually care about the peasants, you’re only supposed to pretend to care! Then she and Real British Vanessa almost run into each other at a toy store. They narrowly miss each other because British Vanessa pretends to drop an earring, and the redheaded aide fakes the worst fainting spell I’ve ever seen.

Legit worse than this:

it takes two

Ugh, now the orphans are singing “We Wish You A Merry Christmas”. Jesus Christ. Everyone is acting so shocked that the Duchess would dare give a sh*t about some poor orphans she doesn’t know, calling it “undignified”. Like damn, how savage is the royal family normally that you can’t bother to care about CHILDREN?

For the second time this movie, the Prince and Duchess are standing under mistletoe. I think the best part about this is how someone always has to point it out. They’re like “excuse me, I don’t mean to bother you, but you’re standing under the mistletoe.” Like this is some national f*cking emergency and not a made-up Christmas tradition.

Kevin’s daughter says to the real Duchess, “I wish you could stay.” Damn, that’s cold! Stacey’s known you your whole life, she’s your GODMOTHER, and you’re just gonna sell her out like that? Smh, these kids ain’t loyal.

While Fake American Vanessa and Kevin watch A Christmas Prince (lol nice job Netflix, I see what you did there), the Prince gives the other Vanessa his family crest. It’s supposed to be meaningful or whatever; to me it kind of reads like when Pete Davidson gave Ariana Grande his dad’s pendant. Meanwhile, Kevin gives his Vanessa a picture of him, his daughter, Vanessa, and Santa in a locket. Kevin puts the necklace on her and SHOOTS HIS SHOT. He confesses his love to Vanessa, and oh god, this is going to get messy when the real Vanessa comes back and isn’t into him at all.

So both Vanessas meet up to make the switch back, and they both gush about their respective dudes. Okay but really, how in love with someone can you be after three days?? I know this is a movie and all, but come tf on. I can’t with this. Y’all can just go back to your lives as normal and find other dudes to date because YOU DO NOT FALL PERMANENTLY IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE AFTER TWO DAYS!! This isn’t How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. Actually, lol, it’s worse.

Also are we not gonna talk about how Vanessa and Kevin’s kid legit ripped off the handshake from The Parent Trap? Plagiarism!

Oh yeah while all this is going on, creepy butler dude took a few pictures of both Vanessas together and then tries to bring it to the king to like, blackmail them I guess.

So when the real Duchess gets back, she’s hemming and hawing about having to go back to her old royal life and she’s like “ugh I don’t wanna marry this guy but it’s my duty.” The redheaded aid gives her that sh*tty crest thing that legit has rhinestones all over it.

Aid: What does it say?
Duchess: Honor. Nobility. Loyalty. (Or whatever the f*ck.)
Aid: But notice how it doesn’t say duty? See what I did there??

OHhHHH snap, y’all are idiots. What’s your long-term plan? Having this b*tch fake an accent for the REST OF HER LIFE?

Meanwhile the baking competition started, and this sh*t ain’t no Great British Baking Show, I’ll just say that much.

So the queen finds out about our Parent Trap situation and sets Margaret tf up. She’s like “Hey Margaret, why don’t you go to the baking competition where your twin will definitely be?” The Queen is a messy b*tch who lives for drama, and I am HERE FOR IT.

At the baking competition, Brianna (the evil redhead, not the aide) has cut Stacey’s mixing line, meaning she has to do all the mixing by hand. And suddenly, we’re in an episode of Cutthroat Kitchen in this b*tch. Also like, wtf is up with the security in this so-called “royal” baking competition? Like nobody noticed that this girl’s station has been sabotaged? Can she not get another mixer? I’m sorry, I’m going to need Noel and Sandi to come out and explain the parameters of this contest before moving forward.

Also, you’re putting a raspberry filling in your holiday cake? RASPBERRY?? Paul and Prue would not be down with this. That’s not a holiday flavor. You’re not gonna give me like, gingerbread? Nutmeg? Allspice? What is this???

In any case, Brianna comes in second place, and our girl Stacey obviously wins, inappropriate filling or not. And here we go, the Prince and Duchess are going to present the award. Uh oh. Here we go. All of Belgravia is shooketh, and Kevin does the worst surprise face I’ve ever seen. But he’s pretty, so I’ll allow it.

Nobody else is concerned, and somehow it’s chill for them all to go backstage to be like “lol ya we switched places, isn’t it funny?”

Margaret is like “but, there’s more”.


Lol sadly no, Margaret is like “we should actually switch places permanently.” And wtf, how is Kevin gonna legit swap out the girl he’s been in love with for his whole life for her lookalike? He’s no Drake, Drake said if his girl had a twin he would still choose her. THESE HOES AIN’T LOYAL!!!!

This is legit such trash. All the dudes were like “lol k, sounds good.” FINALLY real American Vanessa has the common sense to be like “yeah I can’t just f*ck up three people’s lives because we had a good kiss the other night.”


Michael Scott Thank You

Oh and here we have this b*tch being like “loving me isn’t according to plan”. Ok so who’s gonna be the one to say “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans”? Do I say it??? What a missed opportunity. Stacey is like to the prince, “I’ve loved you more than I’ve loved anyone my whole life.” Wow, how does Paul, her ex of THREE YEARS, factor into this? Nobody is f*cking loyal in this movie.

L-O-FREAKIN-LLLL the prince gets down on one knee to…. Ask Stacey if she would marry him in a year if she still loves him. What kind of Jonas Brother promise ring B.S. is this? And everyone in the crowd is like “lol, amazing!” and breaks into applause. But like, what? Y’all haven’t even been briefed on the situation. Even snotty redhead is begrudgingly clapping. I guess it’s the power of true love??

Cut to, presumably the next year at Christmas, where Edward (that is the Prince’s name, took me all movie to get it right) and Stacey are married. Kevin and Margaret are still together. A random little girl (I think she was one of the orphans, how tf did she score a coveted wedding invite?) runs up to be like, “you’re a real princess now, aren’t you?” and Stacey is like “I guess Christmas wishes do come true.” I’ve got to ask, what is it about Christmas in particular that supposedly makes wishes come true? Does this work for other holidays? Can I be making Passover wishes? Just asking.

Stacey throws the bouquet, and I don’t even need to tell y’all who caught it. You don’t need to be psychic to figure it out. Goodbye. I’m f*ckin out of here. Kevin, call me.

After Kevin is like “hold onto that bouquet, you might need it on New Year’s” (hasn’t anyone told him not to basically propose at someone else’s wedding??) there’s a montage of everyone giving each other the thumbs up (why?), and American Vanessa Hudgens giggling crazily at her prince.

Andddd that’s it! Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. Let me know if you want a recap of other Christmas movies, or other movies in general, and I’ll try to get over my commitment issues. Happy holidays!

Images: Netflix; Giphy (6)