What’s the biggest scam you’ve fallen for lately, and why was it watching The Woman In The Window? The trailer for Netflix’s latest thriller starring Amy Adams makes it seem like a twisty thriller along the likes of The Girl on the Train (you thought I’d compare it to Gone Girl, didn’t you, but let me be clear that my expectations were not quite so high). Although the reviews were not good, I tuned in anyway, the nearly two-hour version of your S.O. handing the milk carton to you and saying, “smell this, I think it’s bad.” In any case, I hadn’t read the book, so I figured I’d at least be surprised by the ending.
While, like I said, I wasn’t expecting The Woman In The Window to be the next Gone Girl, I certainly wasn’t expecting… whatever it was. Truthfully, I started writing a listicle entitled “17 Things More Suspenseful Than ‘The Woman In The Window’” but felt that in order to do the ridiculousness of this movie justice, I needed to recap it. Yes, that means I watched this ill-conceived movie not once, but twice. They say all great artists suffer for their art, but even I found this (completely self-inflicted) punishment a bit extreme.
But, this will be good for me since I mostly texted through my first viewing (although I feel confident in stating that I didn’t miss much).
In any case, we open with Amy Adams, aka Dr. Anna Fox, waking up on the floor of what’s supposed to be a brownstone on West 121st St. in Manhattan, but, as anyone who’s ever stepped foot in a Manhattan apartment can tell you, is actually just a mansion the filmmakers have plunked into Harlem. I mean, even the main floor has multiple palatial rooms in it, and this brownstone has three floors and a basement apartment. Plus, the bedrooms can fit way more than a full-sized bed. I rest my case.
Realty deception aside, the film opens with Anna watching a family move in across the street—the Russells. She’s having a conversation with her husband and daughter, but even my first time watching this, I immediately knew they were both dead. Know how I know that? Because this woman repeatedly throughout the movie has conversations with disembodied voices. Come on. Twist one, ya blew it.
Already, we’re supposed to know that something is up with this family: Anna remarks, “who moves in after a one-day paint job?” And it’s like, um, every single renter in NYC. Most of us don’t have the luxury of waiting for the paint to dry before we can move in because we have to GTFO of our previous rentals.
Anna sees a patient, but it really seems like the patient is seeing her, since she’s updating him on her life and the neighborhood. This is giving me big Grace in The Undoing vibes, because both of them were terrible psychologists. This patient of Anna’s is very interested in the neighbors who just moved in across the street, and Anna knows from speaking to the broker that the husband is a banker and the family just moved from Boston. And again, another unrealistic plot point. I’ve lived in my apartment building for three years and couldn’t pick any of my neighbors out of a lineup. I literally just had someone move into the unit below me and the broker wouldn’t tell me sh*t about them. Anyway.
Just kidding, turns out the patient was actually Anna’s doctor making a house call. Apparently she’s not doing too great, which, yea, I could have guessed by how she’s having full conversations with dead people. Also, she’s taking a medication that you’re not supposed to drink on. But Anna treats that suggestion much like I treat any warning not to mix a medication with alcohol:
At night, the boy who just moved in across the street rings Anna’s bell to drop off a gift. She tells him she’s not letting in visitors and he says, “I’m not really a visitor, I’m more like, a neighbor.”
Me:
She lets him in, even after that criminally terrible line. Definitely not weird at all to go over to your neighbor’s in what appears to be the middle of the night…
Anna tells Ethan that she and her family are “separated”, and it’s like, yeah. Separated from this Earth. Don’t come for me, I really don’t think that’s a spoiler! Use your brain cells!
Ethan, who is supposedly just shy of 16 but looks about 25, is shocked that Anna is a child psychologist. He can’t fathom “why a kid would need a psychologist” and it’s like, dude, where have you been for the past five years? We’re de-stigmatizing mental health.
He does concede that being a child psychologist is “more interesting than like, working at Taco Bell” (bizarre observation) and automatically assumes Anna treats the kind of children who are plotting “school shootings or torturing someone,” which I feel should have been a red flag.
Already Ethan starts acting extremely weird, flinching when Anna tries to touch his shoulder and also, as I mentioned before, simply being over there at night? Then they go look over Anna’s movie collection—again, not at all a weird thing to do with a child (who is clearly an adult in a hoodie) that you just met.
After Ethan leaves, Anna falls asleep watching some old movie, cracking up on her couch. The movie in question does not seem at all funny.
The next day, we meet David, Anna’s tenant who’s apparently been living there for three months, but who we are just hearing of now. It’s also Halloween, and they fight over whether Anna will answer the door for trick-or-treaters (no) or leave a bowl of candy out (no, because “they’ll take all the candy, and then they’ll take the bowl”). Geez, what a grinch. Somebody tell this woman about disposable bowls!
Her reputation as a grinch must be preceding her, because the neighborhood kids egg her house. Anna opens her front door to confront those meddling kids, then promptly blacks out. When she comes to, Julianne Moore is in her house. At first I wondered how Julianne Moore could have seen Anna have a panic attack from insider her own home, but then I noticed it was because she was at the door right when Anna opened it to yell at the kids. See, it was worth watching twice!
Anna surmises, “you must be Jane Russell.” Julianne Moore replies, “what makes you say that?” and again, that should throw up a red flag! Like, the only reason I’d respond this way would be if I was a celebrity and trying to troll a fan. Maybe one day…
Why Anna and Jane strike up anything resembling a friendship is beyond me, because Jane acts like a huge c-word right out of the gate. When Anna reveals she’s agoraphobic, Jane replies, “You’re stuck inside this shitty house,” and then, if that weren’t clear enough, she reiterates, “Oh man. I’d hate to be stuck inside a house this shitty.” Ma’am! This is a mansion in the middle of New York City (well, not the middle—the top part. You get the point). The house is not, by any measure of the word, shitty! And also, how unbelievably rude!
Amping up the rudeness, Jane asks, “so what do you do all day? You work?” Damn, lady! Which pack of wolves taught you manners? Why Anna hasn’t kicked her out already is beyond me.
Anna again reiterates that she is separated from her husband and that her daughter Olivia is “with her father.” Ominous…
After trying to pry and ask Anna if she wants to go outside, Jane bursts into laughter when Anna curtly tells her she has a shrink of her own. I don’t know what kind of acting direction these people were given, but having taken one screenwriting course in college, I can confidently say this is not it. And next they’re talking about Anna’s pills, and what each of them do, and I can’t help but think this is all incredibly invasive. And I’m supposed to believe this is a sudden friendship these two struck up? I’ve been more polite to my enemies.
Anna tries to change the subject—again, because this woman is prying like she’s a human crowbar—and Jane goes, “oh wow. Subject change,” and then mimes a neck injury, like she’s getting whiplash. Again, weird acting direction. Would anyone ever do this IRL? It seems terribly corny.
Anna compliments Jane’s earrings, and Jane remarks that they were from an old boyfriend. Anna asks if her husband knows, and like, why is that information your husband would need to know? He keeps track of where every single one of your belongings comes from? You’ve never heard of just saying they’re from TJ Maxx? I mean, I just claim most of my clothing and accessories are from Macy’s because there’s a 99% chance that’s true. Anyway, Jane says her husband has trust issues and they both laugh about it, and I’m sitting here, not a psychologist, but even I know that if your husband is so jealous that he can’t stand you wearing earrings you got from an ex, that’s a problem!!
Anna asks, “why is your family complicated?” and Jane plops down a sketch she apparently just drew of Anna, even though she’s had the notepad in her hand for approximately three seconds. Oh what, so only you can be invasive, rude, and call out when people are trying to change the subject? Ok, Jane. Ok.
After Jane leaves, Alistair Russell is at Anna’s door to ask “if any of my family has come around to see you this evening.” What a weirdly vague way of putting that. Also, have these people never heard of a phone? Anna says no, for reasons unknown, which catches Alistair off-guard. Probably because he knows she’s lying. But then why not just ask directly…
After he leaves, Anna hears some movement in her kitchen and immediately calls 911 to tell them she thinks there’s someone in her house. Except it’s just her tenant, rummaging around in the kitchen he pays to use. Why would that be your first reaction when you know someone else lives in your house…?
David is another asshole, because after he pokes around on Anna’s skylight when he notices there’s mold on it and Anna yells at him to come back inside (because it’s not sturdy, this will be important later), he scares her by jumping out of a corner and yelling “Boo!” you did it, bro. You cured her agoraphobia with your sick prank.
Maybe the next night, or later that night (I can’t tell because time elapses like molasses in this movie), someone apparently screams at the apartment across the street. I say “apparently” because this is a main plot driver, yet I did not hear the scream when my TV volume was on loud; I’m only aware of it because my closed captions said . This woman has got to have some bionic ears for knowing precisely which apartment the screams are coming from. When I hear people scream or make a noise from my apartment, I can barely tell if it’s coming from the apartments to my front or the ones behind me. And yet, she’s located the precise building and unit from whence these screams originated? Ok.
So naturally Anna calls Ethan to ask if everything is ok. She then sees Jane leave the apartment, looking over her shoulder. Alistair calls back Anna’s number being like, “hello, you just called here?” which is another thing that would never happen because Ethan picked up the phone; it wasn’t like there was a missed call. Who goes through their call log to call back every number you accepted a call from??
Anna then calls David out of his room to ask if he heard the scream across the street. Damn, this lady is an annoying landlord. It’s New York City, who isn’t screaming?
Then she grabs a camera just in time to see Ethan headed over to her place. He basically says that his dad is abusing him, and Anna gives him her number and assures him her house is a safe place. And yet, does she call CPS? No. She justifies it by saying that it’s just her word against the dad’s, but I’m sorry, is this woman not a mandated reporter? Isn’t this literally her job to call CPS?? Nah, just gonna call the police on my tenant for being in his kitchen instead.
Well, that ethical dilemma is not met with another thought, as we next see Anna learning French for some reason. An apple twirls on the screen while she repeats the French word for apple. This Duolingo lesson is not significant to the plot in any way. I want to personally ask why this was kept in instead of, oh I don’t know, any character development or detail.
Anna falls asleep in front of the TV again, this time, to some 1940s-era doctor being like, “I’m going to freeze your face” and honestly I know it’s supposed to be scary, but it just feels like when Derek Zoolander went to that Daiye Spa. Anna wakes up in a panic because she can’t find her phone and keeps repeating to herself, “backtrack.” Like, ma’am, backtrack to what? I know it’s a big brownstone, but you don’t leave the house. Just search your home. It’s not like when I lose my credit card and I have to backtrack to brunch, then the after-brunch bar, then my ex’s apartment…
Anyway, at this moment Anna notices something strange happening across the street, so she grabs her DSLR camera. She sees Jane getting shoved backward, then stumbling forward with a knife in her stomach and falling over. And what does this woman do? She snaps a picture of it with the camera she’s holding in her hands for something exactly like this moment. Just kidding! She fucking drops the camera and rushes to the landline, which is mysteriously not working. Useless. Useless.
Then she goes bothering David again, and finds her phone under his bed.
Anna calls 911 and tells the operator that she watched her neighbor get stabbed. The 911 operator is extremely unhelpful and just asks if she stabbed her neighbor. Um, is that how 911 calls go? We’re going by the “whoever smelt it, dealt it” rule?
Anna tries to rush across the street to help Jane and falls on her way down the steps, ultimately not making it. At least she tried!
When Anna gets back, there’s an NYPD detective INSIDE HER HOUSE, which has got to be illegal. She didn’t give them permission to enter, and last I checked, she called to report a crime in progress across the street. Where’s the probable cause?? Alistair is also there. Again, that’s gotta be breaking all kinds of laws. Finally, a realistic portrayal of life in New York!
Alistair is only there to insist that Anna has never met his wife. The cops are extremely antagonistic, insisting that nothing happened and berating Anna for not having taken a picture. Helpful.
Anna then asks what we’re all thinking: then where’s Jane? Enter, a totally different woman, insisting she is Jane Russell. Ethan, too, insists Anna has never met his mother. Rather than asking a single follow-up question about what Anna did see, the cops just inform her that making a false police report is a crime. Solid police work, boys, thank you for your service!
The next morning, Anna tries to stalk Jane Russell online. She comes up empty-handed, but she does find Alistair’s LinkedIn. She starts calling up his workplace (totally normal) and learns that he no longer works at his old company. She finds this strange, but like, people change jobs all the time? Especially considering they just moved from out of state?
In her Facebook stalking, Anna also comes across a woman named Pam Nazin, who worked with Alistair. Pam died. A Google search brings up the headline, “Woman Found Dead In Brookline” which is really not as ominous as the over-the-top suspenseful music wants us to believe it is. People can be found dead for all sorts of reasons. The fact that she was an exec at Alistair’s company at the time seems like a tenuous thread.
She calls up the New York office and finds out that Pamela was not an executive, but Alistair’s executive assistant. And then she immediately tips her hand by asking suspicious questions to which she already knows the answers. Yikes, she is not good at this. Apparently Pam fell off a balcony. Still not really seeing the connection.
Then this lady goes to bother David AGAIN (however below market value the rent she’s charging may be, it’s still too high). When she doesn’t hear an answer, she goes to his room and starts looking at his mail. Not a good look, considering David opens the door right at that moment, and he is pissed.
No one:
Literally no one:
Seriously, I did not notice this even though they zoomed in on his mail:
David: Ok yeah! You caught me! I’m in violation of my parole! I’m supposed to be in Springfield, Massachusetts.
Anna: Ok.
David: NO! NOT OK! It was a stupid bar fight, I got jumped and I reacted.
Uhh dude, she was saying it’s fine that you’re violating parole by living in her apartment. Maybe just take the W and shut up?
Anna continues taking photos of the Russells’ apartment and manages to capture an argument at the dinner table, only to get a voicemail from the real Jane Russell saying, “stop watching our house or I’ll call the police.”
The next morning, Anna can’t find her cat (probably went the way of the mysterious missing cell phone). Damn, I’m literally right because the cat is also under David’s bed. These two need to draw up some serious boundaries, because this is getting creepy on both sides.
Just then, Anna notices something: Jane (first Jane)’s earring on David’s nightstand. That’s odd.
While having another conversation with her dead husband in her head, Anna breaks a glass in her sink. Then she spots Ethan walking across the street, and opens out her window and yells, “Ethan, where’s your mother!” So then Ethan runs over, understandably, to be like “ummm you can’t just yell at me while I’m on the street!” they get into an argument that goes like this:
Anna: I know what I saw!
Ethan: You don’t, you’re just wrong!
Anna: But I know what I saw!
Ethan: You don’t, you’re just wrong!
No, I did not hit ctrl+V too many times. They literally repeat the same lines of dialogue. And by “repeat” I mean scream, because nobody actually acts in this movie, they just yell. I feel like I could have auditioned.
Anna yells, “why are you lying for him?” Ethan whispers, “I can’t tell you” (ooh, range) and Alistair then storms in, clocking Ethan in the face and then yelling at Anna. He calls their relationship inappropriate (true) since Ethan’s 15-and-a-half and Anna is a mature woman (I don’t know about mature, but, true).
Alistair gets all up in Anna’s face like he’s going to kiss her but instead hollers, “Stay away from my son! Please!” while Anna snivels in between his arms. God, this acting. Put me out of my misery.
The next day, Anna witnesses Ethan walk out of the apartment and get into a black van. Not at all sketch. She then decides to go through her photos on her computer and an email comes in from the cleverly named address, [email protected]. Inside the email is a picture of Anna sleeping, which seems to have been taken from inside the house.
Anna freaks out and calls the cops, who’d look about as thrilled to undergo a colonoscopy as they do to respond to this report. Actually, they would much rather prefer the colonoscopy, you can just tell. These cops are so actively mean to her that, again, it’s almost a satire. Maybe this whole movie is meant to be a scathing indictment on the NYPD?
Take this exchange, for example.
Anna: Can you track it?
Cop Played By Paper Boi From Atlanta: Track it?
Anna: Or… trace it?
Paper Boi: You can’t track a Gmail account.
First of all, bro, you knew what she meant. We all knew she meant trace. It’s the same thing. We know you know she didn’t mean track as in an Amazon shipment. Second of all, one Google search told me that you can find someone’s IP address even if they use Gmail. Then again, cops being too lazy to click one link in Gmail? Sounds about right. Instead, the lady cop just victim-blames, telling Anna, “you could’ve sent this to yourself.” They really don’t even try to hide their disdain.
And just then, Alistair comes storming in, clamoring on about how Anna called his office and how she’s a drunk and a drug addict. Again… who gave this man permission to enter her home?
Anna pulls out what she thinks is a trump card, the drawing “Jane” drew at her apartment. I’m sorry, but this doodle doesn’t prove shit. Just then, David walks in (this is a clusterfuck) and Anna snitches on him! Talk about disloyal. She knows full well why David would want to lay low around the police right now, and when the cops ask David if he has a last name, he tries to be slick like, “no. It’s just David. Like Sting.” And this narc goes, “It’s Winters. David Winters.” Anna! Why would you do that?
Even worse is that she doesn’t even get his last name right, it’s apparently Winter, singular. Nosy and wrong, name a worse combination.
David says he’s never met Jane Russell, and Anna says, in front of everybody, “her earring was on your nightstand.” Instead of being like, “oh damn, this is a revelation,” the lady cop immediately goes, “what were you doing in your tenant’s bedroom?” I’m sorry, is that illegal? She could have been fixing something…
David reveals the earring belongs to a woman named Katherine who “spent the night” with him the other week. Then Anna goes FULL RAT on David and tells the cops that he borrowed a box cutter from her (not sure what that has to do with anything, we all saw the woman get stabbed with a knife) and then tells the cops that he’s violating his parole by being in New York!! You really should get that boxcutter back, Anna, because we all know what happens to snitches.
Now Anna’s just taking shots at everybody, literally pointing fingers: “he’s been to prison and borrowed a knife from me (way to be prejudicial, and also, a box cutter ≠ a knife); he’s abusive and was fired from his job and his assistant died; I saw Alistair slap Ethan in my home yesterday.”
She’s spiraling on a monologue about how someone needs to help Ethan, and let me say this is poorly written and also bizarre. “If my husband were here,” she says, “he would help.”
“Dr. Fox, your family is dead,” the lady cop says. Again, this is like, apparently supposed to be some huge twist but seemed very clear to me from the get-go. Know how I know? She was having conversations with her husband the whole movie, but they weren’t in person… or on the phone… so there really was only one explanation.
Anna says, “I don’t know how you can live with yourself if you let something happen to a child,” and then we cut to: Christmas, the year prior, and Anna and her family are driving somewhere. They’re getting into an argument because they’re sick of pretending, because (gasp) Anna cheated and guess who happens to be calling her cell phone at that moment! Yep, her side bro. Mister? IDK what you call a male affair partner. Anna drops her phone and tries to reach for it, then ends up swerving off the road and crashing into a tree, killing her husband and daughter.
Damn. The lady doth project too much.
Anyway, this was supposed to be a bombshell but was about as explosive as a fart.
So then this woman comes to in a That’s So Raven-esque way:
And everyone is staring at her like bitch, you good?
She’s clearly not good, because she looks out into the other room where her car is bottoms-up in the snow and then we’re back at the accident scene. God, I hate the way they did just about everything with this movie.
At this moment, Anna thinks maybe she’s just hallucinating from her meds and apologizes to the Russells.
The next day, she has a talk with her psychiatrist in what might be the only good scene in the movie. It’s a frank discussion about how badly Anna’s mental health has deteriorated. Although I didn’t love the psychiatrist laughing at her when Anna remarked that the Elevan might not be good for her. He chuckled like, “no shit, not if you’re hallucinating.” Felt a little dickish. But whatever!
Then, Anna’s crushing up all her pills into a powder and starts filming a suicide note. Damn, this took a dark turn. Does this woman even have any living relatives at all? The purpose of the video seems to just be so that David isn’t implicated in her death, which is nice of her now that she likely got the guy sent back to jail.
But then, as she does a pre-death scroll through her photos (don’t we all?) Anna notices something: the reflection of the woman she thought was Jane in her wine glass, in a picture she took. It’s then that she hears some thumping around in the basement, and David is back.
This bitch is literally giddy, showing David the face in the wine glass. He’s really not amused. He’s just like… “yes, the woman I told you I slept with does, in fact, exist. So?” This is kind of sad.
David explains that the woman’s name is Katie, she’s Ethan’s birth mother, and they had a one-night stand on Wednesday. He says she was basically, completely insane, and “I spent a night on a couch in Astoria just so I could get away from her.” I mean, ouch, no need to bring Astoria into this. What did our Greek food ever do to you?
Apparently Katie ran away when she was 8 months pregnant and Alistair found her in some meth commune and she went to jail. (Are meth communes… a thing?) Then she got out and stalked the family, basically. This is a pretty wild story, and yet Anna is treating it with as much surprise as you would when you realize the grocery store is out of the brand of yogurt you prefer to buy. Hello??? Meth commune??? Prison??? Why is nobody reacting to this??? Twist 3, ya botched it.
Even though David does acknowledge that yes, Katie is a real person, he has no desire to find out if this woman is alive or dead. I know she was a stage 5, but damn that’s harsh. The woman was maybe stabbed!
And while she’s yelling at David to go to the police with her (when will she learn that the police actively do not want to help her), this fool drops her laptop and shatters the screen. I’m sure that pic is still up on the iCloud, but still.
And then from a corner, someone sneezes. ACHOO! It’s Ethan, since he’s allergic to cats! (Sorry, seemed like a random detail earlier). And he’s holding a knife! Note, Anna, how different it looks from a box cutter! He evil villain monologues about how he has an alibi since everyone thinks he’s in New Hampshire in a “wilderness program” which is really a juvenile prison facility. He also monologues that he killed David with Anna’s knife and intends to frame her for the murder, and implies that he set a fire to the prison before escaping. Is this really the same guy who couldn’t fathom why a child would need to see a psychiatrist?
He then reveals that he watched Anna make the suicide video and that he’s been in the house all week and continues to evil villain monologue about how he’s a budding serial killer whose M.O. is to kill unfit mothers, he just doesn’t have a method of choice nailed down yet. He literally says, “I don’t have a pattern yet. There’s so many choices. Who do I wanna be when I grow up?” this line of dialogue sounds like it’s ripped from the career counseling office of a liberal arts college, not a pre-murder speech.
Ethan says, “I just wanna watch you go” as if he simply enjoys seeing people die and not the act of murdering them. I just feel like there are a few lines of work you could go into if you simply are desensitized to death. You obviously like the killing part, so just say it! So Anna dumps all her crushed-up meds into her wine and is like, “fine, you wanna watch me die? Watch me.” Then at the last second she hits him over the face with her wine bottle.
Thus begins a mad and drawn-out chase all around the house (ugh, why is this house so big?). First Ethan stabs David (who was, up until that point, still alive). Then Ethan and Anna end up on the roof (yes, Anna actually went outside! To probably the worst location possible, because now she’s trapped on a roof with a murderer instead of just being trapped in a house with a murderer!), and of course it’s raining. It’s always raining in these things.
Ethan yells, “STOP FIGHTING ME!” and keeps reiterating shit like, “you don’t even want to live anymore!” like this is supposed to be some kindness, brutally stabbing someone in their own home with a rake to the face because they were struggling with their mental health. What a little asshole.
Obviously, at the last minute, Anna maneuvers Ethan on top of the skylight and sends him crashing through it, killing him. See, I told you that would be important.
Afterwards, the same fucking cops show up to the hospital where Anna’s at (they have some nerve). The first thing out of Paper Boi’s mouth? “Don’t stay on the painkillers too long because that shit feels good.” Oh, NOWWW you’re concerned about this woman’s mental health? GTFO. The SECOND thing is “I’m sorry.” Way to have your priorities on straight.
Then Paper Boi reveals he saw her video and does the one nice thing he’s done this whole movie and covers so she can delete the video before her phone goes into evidence and everyone else sees it.
She’s like, “really?” and he’s like, “look I messed up this case so badly i don’t think one more thing’s gonna hurt me, alright?” He’s not wrong.
His last words are, “I’m not gonna have to worry about you, right?” and he doesn’t even wait for an answer, just a faint smile, before he walks out of the room. Hahah tell me you don’t give a shit without actually telling me.
Nine months later, Anna is selling the brownstone. She says one last goodbye to the spirit of her dead husband in a scene that lasts like five full minutes, and we all get the point. I still don’t really get what was with the dead assistant. I guess Ethan killed her, but why? Was she having an affair with his dad? I suppose it doesn’t matter. Anna gets into a cab and drives off, and that’s the end.
All in all, this movie was really not worth my hour and a half. For a thriller, the one moment that made me jump was a fake-out when, right before Anna bent down to pick up David’s mail, a piece of clothing fell down from the ceiling (which, by the way, was never explained). None of the twists were dramatic or altogether surprising. And for all the yelling the characters did, none of them acted surprised in any way when the twists were revealed. I can’t believe I got through this movie once, let alone twice. If you endured it even once, I hope you enjoyed this recap.
Images: Melinda Sue Gordon / Netflix; Giphy (3)
Ever watched a movie on a plane and deemed it moving and brilliant and recommended it to everyone who’d listen, and then rewatched it later and realized it was… just fine? Something weird happens when you’re in that tin-can tube in the sky, some combination of elevation and cabin pressure and confined space and truly nowhere else to be. A flight is, in effect, a brief and voluntary quarantine.
Well, a plane ride is, what, 16 hours, max? So imagine what’s become of my movie-watching brain during four (4) consecutive weeks of self-isolation. I’m slowly growing feral alone in my 350-square-foot studio apartment, from which I haven’t had a face-to-face conversation since early March, which feels about as long ago as 1992. So, like the carefree Plane Me (only that smug bitch was free as a bird and zooming instead of Zooming), I’m sitting on my ass and watching movies galore. And for some reason, I can’t stop gravitating toward films that prominently feature isolation.
Health advisory: Don’t be like me and decide to watch quarantine movies during quarantine. This has been your daily COVID briefing.
‘I Am Legend’
The long shots of Will Smith, convincingly playing a virologist (why aren’t we hearing more from the virology community right now?), traipsing around the empty streets of Manhattan hit awfully close to home. By far the most unrealistic thing about this movie is that the immune humans he eventually encounters don’t know the Bob Marley classic, “Everything’s Gonna Be Alright.”
‘Dawn of the Dead’
A mall would actually be a pretty sick spot to be holed up during the apocalypse (she thinks while glancing around at the four white walls pressing in around her). You’ve got an arcade, clothing, supplies…and who knows what wonders await when you bust open the walk-in freezer behind the Cinnabon? Also, decently sharp scissors in the Supercuts for when you inevitably get bored and decide to trim your own bags. As for me, I went at it with my kitchen scissors.
‘The Hunger Games’
I sh*t you not, I had the windows open while I was watching this and what wafted in was not airborne coronavirus molecules (when did we all become virologists?) but the dystopian sound of a police car circling the streets of my Brooklyn neighborhood, reminding everyone to stay six feet away from each other. If the Capitol ultimately decides to send a bunch of people into a biodome to fight to the death, can they please keep in mind that Glenn Beck quite literally volunteered as tribute?
‘Parasite’
The scene with the flash flooding serves as a helpful reminder that natural disaster season is coming soon, whether we beat corona or not. 🙃
‘Midsommar’
Sooo does anyone know of any Swedish cults living far enough away from civilization that they’re unaffected by COVID-19, and if so, where can I send the video application I already made? I like flowers and bright colors and dancing and open space, and it looks like they could really stand to up their diversity quotient. (See, I’m a hazel-eyed brunette.)
‘The Lighthouse’
This movie is strong evidence against the live-streamed yoga and barre and Pilates classes people keep pushing on me. Whenever he’s not eating or masturbating, Robert Pattinson (along with the vermin glued below his nose) is carrying oil drums up the stairs or pushing a heavy wheelbarrow uphill or hauling up lobster traps and generally engaging in the kind of functional fitness regimen that would make Ryan Lochte nod approvingly. (Remember him? Douchebag swimmer best known for flipping tires in promotional videos and swiping right on you on Tinder but then refusing to reply to your message? #Olympics2020) Honestly, even R.Pat’s masturbation looks rather aerobic. And he still loses his mind during self-isolation—take THAT, suggested donation of $10-20 per class, MindBodyOnline.
‘A Quiet Place’
YOU HAVE AN ENTIRE FARMHOUSE AND NIGHTLY CAMPFIRE CIRCLES WITH THE NEIGHBORS? And yet you’re so lonely and isolated you’re having another child?! But also…why don’t you live behind the waterfall where you can shout? Why don’t you set a bunch of firecrackers off in a field and rush up into your lookout tower and shoot the monsters with assault rifles? Why doesn’t your baby cry? Where did you get the teeny-tiny baby-sized oxygen mask it’s so cute I want one too!
‘Room’
I mean, at least she had someone in there with her.
Images: Diego Cervo/Shutterstock.com; Giphy
When I received an email on Friday asking if I’d be willing to see and review Fifty Shades Freed in the interest of entertaining Betches’ readers, I reluctantly said “k.” On Sunday, February 11, I dragged my husband to see this absolute abortion of a movie with me. It’s so bad that I don’t even feel bad about using abortion as an adjective. Here we go.
A quick look at the other reviews of this movie circling the internet should let you know that you’re in for a bumpy ride. Full disclosure: I brought a full pint of artisan cider (sry I’m so fancy) into the theater with me. I was done with it in 15 minutes. My husband assured the cashier that we were only going to see this so I could write a scathing review, our marriage needed no spark, and, yes, he required Twizzlers, a large popcorn, Raisinettes, and a large Coke to get through this. He looked upset as we entered.
The Background
I’m going to ASSUME everyone already knows the background of this movie, but if not:
Anastasia Steele was a virgin college student who, through some trick of mommy-porn writing the universe, ended up interviewing Christian Grey, a 30-something billionaire. They fall in love thanks to her SOMEHOW AMAZING BLOW JOB SKILLS, Ana signs a contract with Christian to be a submissive and play in his red sex dungeon (sans butt play, at least in the first movie). He goes too far, she gets mad, they get back together, they get engaged, and are now locked and loaded in the world’s healthiest marriage. That’s literally the plot—throw in some jilted ex-lovers and weird mommy issues and boom, 50 Shades trilogy. I want to note that I could literally shit a better storyline than what follows.
Act I: Ana And Christian Get Married And Go On A V Expensive Honeymoon
We open on Ana and Christian saying their “I do’s” and enjoying what is clearly a daytime wedding. They leave literally in the middle of it because world’s best and not-at-all-controlling husband, Mr. Grey, insists he’s “tired of sharing” Ana with everyone else. It’s just her wedding. No biggie. I’m sure her parents and great aunt who flew in for this v special occasion understand. Fuck em, amirite? Anyway.
Christian brings Ana to a jet and she’s all “WOAH YOU OWN THIS?!” Bitch, he spent the last two movies getting you new cars, having his personal security follow you, taking you on helicopter rides, and literally jizzing money. OF COURSE HE HAS A FUCKING JET.
What follows is a honeymoon in Paris and Nice. How PEDESTRIAN, Christian. He’s a billionaire and they’re in Paris? Yawn. We get a glimpse of Christian’s weird control issues when he freaks out about Ana showing her titties on A NUDE BEACH. To punish her, he handcuffs her hands to her feet in what looks like prime cramp territory and bangs her. I assume the other couples in the theater will use this as spank bank material to spice up their marriages later.
After their handcuff sex sesh, the honeymoon is cut short by a call from Christian’s assistant saying that someone broke into Grey Enterprises (still unsure what Grey Enterprises DOES) and stole some personal files. After a super tech-savvy zoom-in with the security cam, Ana discovers the thief is Jack Hyde—her old pervy former boss from the last movie that no one saw. Could it be he’s still mad about Ana spurning his love and Christian firing him?! THE PLOT THICKENS.
Act II: Back In Fucking Seattle
Christian and Ana come home from the honeymoon and Ana is totally aghast at the idea of “running the household” since she’s, like, a quasi-billionaire, now, too, and has all kinds of slaves servants to boss around. In no mood to deal with the help, she cooks dinner, makes a comment about being preg one day, and Christian recoils as if someone stole his special sex jeans. “Don’t you wanna have kids some day?” Ana asks. Apparently, this conversation was NOT had before they got married, which, I guess considering they once had a contract specifying what kind of things Christian was allowed to stick into her butt, is neither surprising nor a priority for this happy couple.
Ana gets back to her job and is SHOCKED that her office is totally different. Like, where’s all her shit? Her weird assistant, Liz, informs her that it’s been redecorated for the new boss? WHO TF IS THE NEW BOSS? SURPRISE! ANA, IT’S YOU! Apparently promotions are handed out like Molly at a club and Ana has been promoted through her SHEER business savvy and not at all because her controlling husband bought her company. So blessed, so moved. I hope someday my husband buys my company because, only then, can I aspire to get that juicy promotion. #glassceiling
It’s at this point that Christian storms into Ana’s office while she’s meeting with the v important author of a book (which probably has a better plotline than this film) and begins berating her about the fact that she hasn’t changed her last name on her email yet. From what I understand about the timeline of this movie, this is her first day back. I’ve been married since October 2016—ask me if I’ve changed my work email from my maiden name yet. But, again, butt sex contracts and the BDSM universe make for an interesting set of priorities, apparently.
After their spat over last names, Christian whisks Ana away to a dilapidated mansion that he bought without telling her. She’s instantly smitten and doesn’t at all question the amount of money he just spent on this piece of shit which will clearly need more than 10 Joanna Gaines’ to up its rustic chic aesthetic. Enter the porn star of architects—Gia—who clearly became an architect based on her mastery of math and not on her phenomenal boobies. She gets a lil too close to Christian, Ana tells her to fuck off, and we literally never see her again, oh wait yes we do for a super important plot point. STAY TUNED.
As they pull away from the new BDSM palace, it appears someone is following the Greys’ car. Ana takes the wheel, drives like me when I’m back on the Jersey turnpike, and loses them. The crazy driving was apparently so sexy, that Ana climbs on top of Christian and has an orgasm in five seconds. I don’t even have a joke for that last line. It has gotten almost Michael Bay bad at this point, but with less explosions and more mommy issues.
It was at about this point in the movie that I looked over to see my husband covering his face with his hands, and I truly felt sorry for him.
Act III: The Plot Thickens But Not Really
After the mansion adventure and v exciting car chase, the newlyweds are back home. Christian announces that he has to go to New York for meetings and Ana is obv coming because she is a woman with a small brain will be in total danger from the car maniac and Jack. Ana is like, lol, I work hard for the money, bitch, and then segues into Christian needing a haircut. Cut to a sexy hair washing scene. Wondering where the scissors are, Ana looks in Christian’s office drawer and finds GASP A GUN OMFG. She asks Christian why he has it, and he’s all whatever about it. End scene. “Did he ever get his hair cut?” my husband asks, v concerned. I don’t know. No one knows.
Apparently the sexy haircut or not-haircut convinced Christian to allow his wife to keep working and stay home while he goes to New York. During this time, Ana goes drinking with her friend Kate instead of going home, which is so diabolical of her. When she does finally get back to the apartment, Jack is waiting with a knife. How he got in, we don’t know. How he got past a doorman, security system, I assume lasers, and bolted doors is incredible. Maybe Christian firing him was the best thing that’s ever happened to Jack. Maybe he’s meant to be a master criminal. He’s quickly subdued by Ana’s security team. This scene led to the best line(s) in this whole fucking movie:
Security person 1: “You better restrain him.”
Security person 2: “I don’t have anything.”
Ana: “We do!”
No one laughs. Everyone in the theater is already dead.
Christian comes back and tortures Ana in the dungeon room with a vibrator because she “continues to defy him” and it makes Christian sad. Ana says her safe word because this is mean, then the two sit and wonder why Jack is such a bully. Remember that time you all got him fired? No? Just me? K.
At this point the couple takes a break in Aspen (ASSSSPPEEEEENNNNNN) with Kate, Elliot (Christian’s brother who is conveniently dating Kate), Christian’s sister (played by Rita Ora), and Rita Ora’s bf. They get to an Aspen mega-mansion and Christian plays the piano and literally sings. It was at this point I was praying for more alcohol. None came.
Christian and Ana have sex on a kitchen table during the Aspen times. There’s ice cream involved. I was concerned about infections. My husband was concerned about everyone else’s breakfast. I think that’s all I need to say.
The next day, Christian’s security team tells Christian that Jack, the Rhodes Scholar of criminals (Princeton Summa Cum Laude ’99), was in and out of foster homes in Detroit. “So was I,” muses Christian. Get ready—this is what screenwriters call foreshadowing. Elliot proposes to Kate (with a ring picked out by none other than… dun dun dunnnn… that architect bitch, Gia, from before), then apparently everyone just goes back to Seattle. Christian and Ana use a butt plug in the red room and Ana later reminiscences about it at work. Same.
Act IV: Babies, Boobs, and Bullets
Because we didn’t have enough story lines going on what with sexy car chases and genius criminals, Ana goes to see a gynecologist and finds out she’s pregnant since she missed her contraceptive shots which were clearly outlined in her contract with Christian. How dare she. When she tells Christian, he freaks out, not ready to “share” Ana with anyone. This seems like a v healthy and normal conversation.
Furious, he goes out drinking with his old mistress, Elena, played by Kim Basinger in the last movie but who clearly wasn’t budgeted for in the third installment. Ana finds out and angrily showers, ignores Christian, then argues with him while PUTTING HER STOCKINGS AND BOOTS ON BEFORE HER BRA LIKE A FUCKING MANIAC. I am an adult woman, and I can tell you that when I argue with my husband, boob privileges—including viewing them whatsoever—are out the window. Anyway, she storms out and goes to work.
While “working” and def not fantasizing about butt plugs, Ana gets a call from Jack, who has somehow gotten out on bail despite recently breaking, entering, and holding a knife to someone’s throat. Again, criminal mastermind. He has Rita Ora and is totally going to kill her unless Ana gives him $5 MILLION NOW IMMEDIATELY. Oh, and she isn’t allowed to tell anyone because of course this guy is a fucking genius.
Through some really Oscar-worthy screenwriting, Ana gets the money and is met outside the bank by NONE OTHER THAN LIZ THE WEIRD OFFICE ASSISTANT. She’s working with Jack because he blackmailed her with a sex tape, which, sad.
Jack is all totally about to kill Ana, and tries punting her baby through her ass, but, SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKERS! She brought the gun from the desk that you’ll remember from the sexy not-haircut scene! She shoots Jack, then passes out after sustaining some bruises. Christian gets her to the hospital and the baby is totally fine (head’s possibly a lil dented like an old Cabbage Patch Kid, but fine). Everyone is happy.
Once home, it’s revealed that Jack and Christian were actually together in the same Detroit foster home. Somehow Christian has blocked this out … kinda like how I hope to block out this two hour experience.
Christian was adopted by a rich family, Jack wasn’t. Christian feels bad now. Ana reminds Christian he’s a great and respectable man who “treats people well.” Guess she kinda glazed over the whole “I have to beat people/handcuff people I love/wear the same pair of dirty jeans to get off” thing.
We end with a montage of all the romantic moments the couple has shared. Ana, naturally, goes into the dungeon and waits for Christian to do stuff which, I assume, involves ice cream, butt plugs, whips, vibrators, or some combination of all four. I breathe a sigh of relief. My husband, clearly emotionally distraught, returns home to watch the same curling play on repeat for four to six hours. We don’t speak about what has transpired. We never will. We throw away all of our ice cream.
Images: Universal Pictures; Giphy (10)
The live action Beauty and The Beast opened last week and has already made over $392 million worldwide. Not bad for a story about a woman who falls in love with a giant ram-cat. For the past year and a half, Beauty and The Beast has been fucking everywhere. Like, you can barely browse Twitter on the toilet these days without running into a video of Emma Watson talking about how kidnapping is actually feminist now or a Medium post about what Disney’s “exclusively gay moment” could mean for trans candelabras. All this talk about Emma Watson’s tits and gay Lefou got us thinking, when was the last time we checked in with the OG 1991 animated version? Like, no offense to Emma and co but this new one is basically a shot-for-shot remake but with bad autotune and one scene where two men men make eye contact. Also Belle is like, an inventor or some shit. Very progressive.
And let’s face it, while Emma Watson’s transformation from ugly duckling who loves books to hot person who loves books is fascinating, she’ll never hold a candle (or a tune – my dad) to the animated Belle whose face was stamped on our backpacks, lunchboxes, and birthday decorations for basically all of elementary school.
So how does OG BATB hold up now that we can like, read and count and shit? Let’s investigate:
We open on a flashback. The narrator, who we never hear from again, starts going in on The Beast. He calls him “spoiled, selfish, and unkind,” and tells us all about how he once didn’t let a random homeless lady into his house. Turns out the homeless lady was really a beautiful enchantress who is totally pissed The Not-Yet-Beast didn’t let her into his house. She turns him into a beast, and in a dick move, she includes all his servants and shit in the curse as well. Then she hands him a magic mirror and a rose, tells him he’d better find love before his 21st birthday, and GTFOs.
Sidebar: If The Beast is only 20 at the end, and Lumiere says they’ve been in the castle for eleven years, then does that mean The Beast is like 10 years old when this happened? Eternal life as a monster seems like kind of a harsh punishment for a kid who didn’t want to talk to strangers. Isn’t this what we tell 10-year-olds to do? It’s stranger danger, not stranger danger unless you think the stranger is secretly an enchantress. Come on, Disney.
Cut to Belle’s shitty college town. Belle kicks off the movie with a musical number where she walks around talking shit on everyone in her immediate area. “The baker always has the same bread,” “This town is poor and provincial,” “Marie’s baguettes are tacky AF,” that kind of thing.
But as much shit as Belle talks about the town, the town talks equal amounts of shit about her. Mainly because she likes to read, which is strange for women in this town, who spend most of their time wandering around buying food and screaming “I NEED SIX EGGS” at anyone who will listen.
Cue Gaston shooting a goose out of the sky. Gaston tells LeFou (who is gay, I guess) that he’s going to marry Belle because she’s the hottest person in town and despite the presence of three identical boob sisters. Gaston never addresses why he does not find the Tit Triplets as acceptable wives. They’re probably from a lower tier sorority or something like that.
Belle and Gaston have a conversation that is literally cringeworthy. Like, if it was a Tinder message, it would have gone like this:
GASTON: Hey girl what’s up?
BELLE: Nothing. Just reading.
GASTON: Howabout you read this DICK tho?
BELLE: I’m not interested.
GASTON: Bitch ur fat anyway.
Then LeFou makes shit worse by calling Belle’s dad crazy, probably as some kind of a distraction from his own sexuality.
Now we meet Belle’s dad, who actually does seem kind of crazy. He’s building some kind of wooden steam car that honestly looks like a pile of shit. He announces that he’ll be dragging his his monstrous invention to a “convention” and then promptly gets himself, and his horse Felipe, lost in the damn woods because literally all the men in Belle’s life are fully incompetent.
Crazy-Ass Maurice: This can’t be right! Where have you taken us Felipe?
Felipe: Um I’m a fucking horse dude it’s not my job to know the directions.
Felipe then says “fuck this I’m not paid enough for this” and bolts, leaving Belle’s dad to be eaten by wolves. To avoid being eaten, Maurice breaks into The Beast’s castle and raises absolutely 0 red flags when all the appliances start talking to him and settling him into a nice seat by the fire. Because, again, men are fully incompetent. The Beast flips the fuck out when he sees Belle’s dad getting all pampered and shit.
Beast: You’re here to look at the hideous Beast!!!
Crazy-Ass Maurice: Chill dude I didn’t even know you were here.
Beast: See you in the dungeon bitch byeeeeeeeee!!!
Cut back to Belle, who is so disgusted by the fact that Gaston just planned a literal wedding without her that she makes like any woman who just got hit on by any gross guy at the club and runs the fuck into the woods, where she finds Felipe.
Belle: Felipe? Where is my dad? He’s too crazy to be out alone!
Felipe: Your dad was actually a huge dick to me so I bounced.
Belle arrives at The Beast’s castle, where Cogsworth is going off on Lumiere for being nice to Belle’s dad in the first place. All the servant appliances realize that Belle is there, and commence flipping the fuck out.
Lumiere: Shes the one! The girl to break the spell!
Cogsworth: Well let’s hold up just one second we literally know nothing about this person.
Belle finds her dad in The Beast’s dungeon, where The Beast promptly shows up. Belle is not at all bothered by The Beast’s presence, and is like “Have you seen the other dudes I deal with on a daily basis? This is nothing. Take me instead.”
The Beast, realizing that learning to love will probably be much easier with Belle than her dad, decides that’s a pretty good option, as long as she promises to stay forever (because that might be how long it takes for an attractive human woman to fall in love with an enormous horned cat).
And so Belle and The Beast’s romance begins. Their Tinder convo would go something like…
The Beast: Hey girl, you wanna get dinner later?
Belle: Sorry. Not interested. You kidnapped my dad.
The Beast: YOU WILL JOIN ME FOR DINNER THAT’S NOT A REQUEST!!!!!!!
Cut back to Gaston, who is literally furious about Belle refusing his proposal and about two seconds away from starting a men’s rights group on Reddit.
LeFou then sings a whole song about how hot Gaston is, referencing his thick “neck” and the cleft in his chin and how “not a bit of him’s scraggly or scrawny” and how “nobody spits like Gaston” and a bunch of other things that we all now know were some pretty clear signs that LeFou wanted to be more than just Gaston’s gap-toothed sidekick.
The pride parade gets broken up by Crazy-Ass Maurice who tells everyone at the bar that The Beast has Belle. Gaston begins to form a plan, and LeFou goes home to do some deep Googling and consider moving to a less provincial, more liberal town where nobody knows him.
Cut back to Belle doing the very Disney thing of crying dramatically on the bed. Mrs. Potts and the wardrobe show up and Belle is like “omg thank god some fucking women. Can one of you tell me wtf is going on?”
Belle ghosts The Beast for dinner, sending him into a full fuckboy rage spiral.
The Beast: Dinner is ready!
Belle: I already told you I’m not interested.
The Beast: HAHAHA YOU THOUGHT I WAS INTERESTED IN YOU? LOL NO WAY WHAT GAVE YOU THAT IDEA UR UGLY ANYWAY!! BLOCKED!!!
Belle waits a bit, and then sneaks out for some late night cold pizza and then “Be Our Guest” happens, and if every second of “Be Our Guest” isn’t already burned into your memory for all time then maybe go to the doctor because you might be dealing with a Still Alice type situation.
Moving on…
Belle is feeling better after eating and decides its time to break into The Beast’s bedroom and see what his fucking deal is.
The Beast: What are you doing in here? GET OUT! GO!
Belle: I mean, okay sure, I was only staying here because you kidnapped me anyway.
Felipe, who has apparently just been chilling at the castle the whole time, does what Felipe always does and rides their asses into a big old swarm of wolves. The Beast saves Belle from the wolves, but he still brings her back to his castle where she’s a literal captive so how “saved” is she really?
Cut to shady-ass Gaston and closeted LeFou talking to the owner of the insane asylum, who appears to be an actual corpse. We find out that Gaston’s big plan is to get Maurice thrown into the asylum unless she agrees to marry him. Gaston appears to not have noticed that Belle is like, not in town right now because she’s been kidnapped. He leaves LeFou to watch the house for Belle and contemplate whether or not the life he’s living now is really serving who he is inside.
Cut back to The Beast’s castle, where he and Belle are friends now. The Beast shows her his big-ass library, and Belle gets horny as hell. The Beast’s bullshit is working. They sing a song about it. The song includes a line “when we touched she didn’t shudder at my paw,” which is fucking horrible.
Things are going well, which is good because it’s almost the beast’s 21st birthday and he’s definitely not getting into any of the good bars in his current state. Like, homeboy looks nothing like his ID.
The servants now plan a romantic evening for the two of them, where they’ll be able to literally dance like nobody (except your enchanted servants) is watching. Belle appears in her signature yellow dress and a thousand years of halloween costumes are born. Everybody goes to bed happy in the certainty that the woman they’ve kidnapped is going to fuck their non-human master.
But of course, The Beast has caught feelings by now, and any time someone catches feelings is right about the time they fucking blow it. The Beast shows Belle her father and lo and behold, he’s right in the middle of a cough. This is enough for The Beast to release her. Belle GTFOs immediately, fully ruining The Beast’s 21st birthday plans.
Cogsworth: Where is Belle?
The Beast: I let her go. I love her.
Cogsworth: You selfish fuck this isn’t just about you!! What about all of us?!? Chip is a CHILD for gods sake!!!
Belle shows up at her father’s house and LeFou wakes up from daydreaming about a weekend on Fire Island to alert Gaston. The Insane Asylum man arrives pretty fast for an era in which there were no cellphones and Belle has to show them The Beast is real in order to save her dad from going to rehab.
Belle: My father isn’t crazy! Look! I can show you The Beast right here in this magic mirror!
Gaston: Wait, The Beast is real? We should definitely kill him!
Belle: Oh fuck…
The battle begins, and somehow a group of humans with guns are totally unable to beat an army of kitchen appliances with tomatoes. Lefou threatens to melt Lumiere, probably because he is jealous of Lumiere’s free wheeling and sexually liberated lifestyle, but ultimately there are no casualties.
Belle and motherfucking Felipe show up just in time to see Gaston and The Beast fighting in the rain on the roof. Gaston keeps screaming about how he’s going to kill The Beast and make Belle his wife, but then the beast comes back hard like “dude I am a mythical creature and you’re just a regular human, plus even if you kill me Belle will still say no to marrying you soooo….”
The Beast is about to kill Gaston, but then he sees Belle’s face and lets him go, which is a pretty bad move because Gaston straight-up stabs him and falls of the roof like a minute later.
Now Gaston is gone and The Beast is dying. Belle is finally rid of all these corny-ass dudes who have been bothering her. Unfortunately for feminism, Belle has actually caught feelings for her captor, and love is powerful enough to turn him hot again. Just in time for half-off shots.
Everyone is restored to their former hottness, and we know Belle is def really in love with The Beast because she doesn’t even leave him when she finds out he’s a ginger.
The movie ends with Chip, the only one of these people who will actually get to live a full life as a human, talking to his mom.
Chip: Will they live happily ever after mama?
Mrs. Potts: Of course they will, baby. This is fucking Disney.
