In this special edition of Dear Betch, we hear from two readers who hate their boyfriends’ moms. If you have a problem only The Betches can solve, email us at [email protected] and you just might get a response.

Dear Betch,

I’ve been dating this guy a year to be soon I am 17 his mom found out we have sex. Then she was upset cause I made fun of her weight I weigh about 170 she weighs 552. I’m one of those people that think you should make your body healthy. I’m very nice I’ve cleaned her house even done dishes on multiple occasions. Helped her celebrate Mother’s Day too. But she f no one wants to deal with his little sister Jessie which weighs more than me and is in 6th grade all they eat is fast food. His mom has caused him to lose many girlfriends in the past I think his mom’s just freaking out, this is a long relationship showing he is growing up. She wants him to live home till after college. The mother can not do anything for herself she makes him do all house stuff even if he is up stairs he comes down stairs to put a disk in the DVD player. When I’m there we don’t get time together since his mom needs him 24/7. My family loves him they support everything.  His mom uses my crappy mom against me saying she knows I’ve grown up in a house where the mom don’t make the rules but I grew up in a dad’s house and that’s more rules I love my dad he’s taken care of me she can not use my mother against me I didn’t ask for a mom like yea… I will stop ranting down to basics how do I deal with the helicopter mom reading his texts looking through photos everyday she acted nice at first but now she don’t like me.

Dear Youth,

Jesus, this was a fucking lot to push myself through when I’m dealing with a music festival hangover. Anyway, like, my first piece of advice WOULD be to study some English textbooks but I’m trying to be a better person and the fault really lies in the American education system *breathes deeply*. Okay so really, I don’t have a lot of advice here. I know you’re 17 and teenagers are stupid, but to say you shouldn’t have made fun of your boyfriend’s mom’s weight is a huge understatement. Like, what is wrong with you? I don’t care if she weighs 10,000 pounds—you don’t fucking do that, especially if this is someone you’re trying to impress. I have a feeling your boyfriend’s mom doesn’t like you because you show open disdain for her lifestyle and parenting choices—not saying they’re stellar, but I probably wouldn’t be thrilled if some teenager was trying to criticize how I live my life. 

Really, all you can do is just lay low and try not to interact with your boyfriend’s mom that much. When you do interact with her, play nice. It’s just not worth it. Get out of the house. Go to Applebee’s. Hang out in a parking lot. IDK what else teenagers do. Just do what I do with most of my problems: ignore them, and then when you come face to face with them, pretend they don’t exist.

You’re probably not going to stay together through college anyway,

The Betches

Dear Betch,

33 weeks into my pregnancy, hormonal and honestly ready to pop this baby out already ! I’m so excited and so happy…..ONE MAJOR PROBLEM.

My boyfriend’s bitch mother who is way too involved in his life and way too clingy like a 16-year-old jealous ex-girlfriend. Seriously.

When I first got pregnant we were both pretty freaked out and I ended up moving out of our house because we were fighting and I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I ended up obviously deciding to have the baby.

His mom was harassing me and my family and telling me she hopes the baby miscarries and when I have this baby she will make my life a living hell. She even had the nerve to try to call my work and harass me !!!

My boyfriend and I didn’t speak for 3 months and agreed NO contact and I would have the baby alone and my family would support me, on the condition he stayed away….Well, three months later he came crawling back crying and saying he wants to be involved and wants to be in the baby’s life.

Like an idiot I did let him back, then  three months ago she had the nerve to tell my boyfriend SHE EXPECTED A CALL FROM ME !!!! FROM ME?! Which started a HUGE fight…. She has not called me, or apologized to me or my family for what happened in the beginning of the pregnancy, and has the audacity to give my boyfriend Name suggestions and tell him her ideas and try to over step decorate my baby’s nursery, LOL Buying I <3 my Grandma shirts. I am beyond heated and livid how shes trying to play victim and acting like shes done nothing wrong.

As an olive branch from my parents…. They told me to send her an invitation to the baby shower, so I gave one to my boyfriend and she texted me to RSVP….STILL NOT SAYING A WORD OR A SORRY!!! This lady really has balls thinking shes going to show up with out an apology….

Now 8 months pregnant, my boyfriend gets offended every time I try to tell him he needs to tell her not to overstep or there is going to be major issues! Literally all we fight about is her and to make things worse she really asked him if she can be there when I deliver !!! I do not want this lady there in one of my most precious moments in life giving birth to my son. I have no idea how to handle this situation any longer.

What do I do? How do i not kill this lady ? Please help !

Love,

You friendly neighborhood pregnant girl

Dear Pregnant Gal,

Sorry I took like a month to get back to you, you might have even had the baby by now in which case, congrats. Unlike the first girl, you have a real issue on your hands and the issue is that your boyfriend’s mother sounds like a fucking nightmare. Unfortunately the solution isn’t really up to you—it’s on your boyfriend to fix things. He’s the father of your damn child; he needs to start standing up to his mom and not letting her treat you like shit. If he doesn’t do that, she’s never going to change. So it’s time to have a come-to-Jesus talk: either he grows a backbone, or you cut all contact with his mother (and frankly, maybe even your boyfriend too if he refuses to support you). I would also check out two subreddits: JustNoMIL (it’s for people who have terrible mothers-in-law) and RaisedByNarcissists (it is what it sounds like). Not to play armchair psychologist, but it sounds like your boyfriend’s situation might apply to the second one. Those people can probably give you way better, concrete advice since I am single and my parents are embarrassing, yes, but not narcissists.

I don’t have a snarky sign-off so I’m just going to say best of luck to you,

The Betches

What greater holiday is there than a day that celebrates the strong, beautiful women who raised us? Go ahead, try to think of one, I’ll wait. 4th of July you say? Okay. Anyway, Mother’s Day really does serve as a reminder that we should be really really nice to all the moms in our lives because we too may be mothers some day and we don’t want a bitchy daughter who doesn’t appreciate us.  So it’s good karma to get them a gift, right?  A betch’s mom is the most important lady in her life. She’s given us endless words of wisdom on fuckboys, she’s reluctantly allowed us to borrow steal her clothes, and she always picked us up from school when we were feeling “sick”.  She’s molded us into the betch we are today, and for that we are forever grateful.  To show her how much you love her, we’re giving you a list of all our favorite brands/gift ideas that are perfect for every type of mom in your life. Welcome to the Betches Mother’s Day Gift Guide 2017.

FOR THE MOM WHO STILL GRABS CANDY FOR HERSELF AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER

Hats off to this mom, she still answers to her sugar cravings and DGAF. Elevate her candy standards with Sugarfina’s Sweetest Mom Candy Bento Box and watch it disappear within 20 minutes of her opening it. If she’s into the juicing craze like any betchy mom, feel free to gift her a bottle of Pressed Juicery x Sugarfina’s green juice gummy bears. It’s the perfect candy she can eat while convincing herself that she’s healthy AF. These are the chicest and yummiest candies ever, and I’m sure this mom won’t mind if you steal a few for yourself…maybe…

FOR THE ZEN AF MOM YOU CAN ALWAYS VENT TO

This mom is amazing because she has the patience to listen to us talk shit about irrelevant shit for hours and somehow make us feel 10 times better in the end. Philosophy is a fave brand of ours, not just because of their amazing products, but also because of their values. It’s the wellness brand version of the mom who always sends you inspirational articles and makes sure you never leave the house without food in your stomach. To reward this woman for putting up with your crazy ass, give her the Moments of Grace box—the perfect set of shower, fragrance, and moisturizing products.

FOR THE MOM WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A HOUSE A HOME (AND WON’T LET YOU EAT ON THE COUCH)

This mom might have come off as a little strict and slightly neurotic due to her strict house rules you lived under as a young betch, but you now understand it was all worth it for the image of a perfect home. She’s classy, she’s elegant, and she’s not afraid to tell you to fuck off when you deserve it. Giving her a Venus Et Fleur box is not just giving her cliché flowers for Mother’s Day, it’s giving her a centerpiece for her precious home. These are the most beautiful flowers and they last for an entire year. There are several colors to choose from so you can def find one to match the living room couch. PS, they’re having a pop-up shop at Saks specifically for Mother’s Day, so go with your siblings and get her the most Instagrammable flowers ever.

FOR THE MOM WHO WANTS TO BE INA GARTEN’S BEST FRIEND

This mom spends half her life watching the Food Network and the other half begging her husband to agree to redoing the kitchen. As such, she takes great pride in all her kitchen essentials, and each time you come home there’s a new blender or toaster. Although you have barely any space for a wooden spoon in your apartment’s kitchen and deem it acceptable to microwave water for your tea, this mom would rather be caught dead than without at least 25 different spatula options. Cuisinart is the perfect place to find the best and newest kitchen products that this mom will die over, like the QuicKettle and the PrepExpress. If you get her any of their products, I foresee massive amounts of free food in your future.

FOR THE MOM WHO’S NOT AFRAID TO BLACK OUT AT FAMILY DINNERS

This mom is always invited to hang with you and your friends whenever she’s in town. As a betch who can single-handedly create a party out of thin air, her Mother’s Day gift needs to suit her hostess needs. Kim Crawford Wine is the perfect bottle to whip out on any given occasion, and with summer around the corner, it is officially rosé season. Their website has tons of amazing recipes, including frosé, so…this mom will def exploit a bottle of Kim Crawford rosé for all it’s worth. If she also happens to be an Insta whore, we’re sorry in advance.

FOR THE MOM WHO GIFTED YOU YOUR WITTY SENSE OF HUMOR

This mom has passed on her good genes of having no filter and always has the entire family in tears at Thanksgiving dinner (like, the good kind). We were always afraid of what kind of backhanded bitchy comment she might make at our frenemies when we were younger, but we loved her anyway and secretly enjoyed it. If she’s begging you not to get her anything this year, at least get her the perfect card from Shop Betches.

FOR THE MOM WHO’S PUTTING OFF BOTOX FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE

This mom has had perfect skin her entire life and is now in overdrive doing everything she can to keep it that way.  Washing her face isn’t just something she does a couple times a day, it’s now an insane obsession. To make sure this mom is getting the most out of her incessant face cleansing, get her the Soniclear brush from Michael Todd Beauty. The antimicrobial brush stays cleaner and fresher for longer, and cleans deep into your pores.  Let’s be real, you’re probs going to get one for yourself as well. Also, since she’s probs big into blending, you should get her the Sonicblend brush to apply her makeup flawlessly.

FOR THE MOM WHO WON’T LET YOU ANYWHERE NEAR HER KITCHEN

This mom has a panic attack whenever there’s too many people in the kitchen (which for the most part means if there’s anyone in there besides her). She’s a firm believer in “a place for everything and everything in its place”, which as a betch you can only relate to on the level of your apartment’s bar cart.  Joseph Joseph has the perfect modern organizational kitchen shit that will perfectly encourage this mom’s obsessive compulsive habits, but at least the kitchen will look sleek AF so who cares. We love their Nesting Bowl Sets and their super chic Worktop Savers.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS FALLS ASLEEP WITH HER IPAD ON HER FACE

This mom can’t get enough of her Facebook feed and loves to send you videos of dogs at all hours of the night. She probably thinks she’s squinting at all her screens because she’s old, but really it’s because no one’s eyes should not be staring at this shit all day. Felix Gray glasses are v trendy-looking and protect your eyes from the blue light emitted from all our electronics’ screens, so mom won’t have to fight through the headaches to continue scrolling through Insta anymore. Our office’s fan favorites are the Turing and Nash frames.

FOR THE MOM WHO JUICED BEFORE IT WAS COOL

This mom has been a juice drinking yoga freak since before you were born, and she’s always looking for new ways to show the world that she’s healthier and has more of her shit together than anyone else. Daily Harvest delivers fresh soups, smoothies, chia parfaits and overnight oats to your door on your schedule. This way, mom can get her fav smoothies delivered at 3pm just in time for her to consume before her 5pm spin class. If you didn’t think eating healthy could be convenient, neither did we, but here we are.

FOR THE MOM WHO HAS EVERYTHING YOU NEVER KNEW YOU NEEDED

This mom may seem like a hoarder, but in reality she’s just a collector of random shit that will impress people. Totally different. Also, we are not ones to talk about hoarding as evidenced by our closets. Anyway, Tovolo is the perfect place to shop for this mom because while it’s super fun for us to look through all the fun kitchen gadgets they have, it will be that much more fun for her because she’ll know exactly what to do with whatever you get her. “OMG, skull ice molds?! This will be perfect for Debbie’s divorce party!”  We love their Clear Ice System and Stainless Steel Cocktail Shaker.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS LOSES SHIT

As a young mom, this one relied on her children to remind her of her dentist appointments or whenever she accidentally left the stove on. Though she’s the most scatter-brained person you know, she’s so lovable you’ve never (really) faulted her for it. Plus, her lack of having her shit together taught you how to be a proactive, multitasking betch. To make this mom’s life a little easier as her brain is only getting worse with age (sorry but it’s true), get her Tile for Mother’s Day so you never have to get another phone call about her missing keys again. All she has to do is attach the little Tile to whatever it is she loses every day and connect it to her phone through Bluetooth and voilà, when she needs to find either thing she can make ‘em ring (I did not do that on purpose but I apologize).

FOR THE MOM WHO REALLY WANTS TO LOSE 3 POUNDS BUT HATES THE GYM

This mom might sound very familiar because she is all of us. She would much rather spend an hour at book club talking shit than hitting the gym, but the thought of showing up to Southampton for the summer in her current state is freaking her out. Do her a favor and buy her HUM Nutrition’s Skinny Bird, a natural weight loss supplement. If you’re feeling really generous, they also have a “Turn Back Time” supplement that helps with skin cell protection. Time to pop some pills!

FOR THE BRAND NEW MOM

This mom has been MIA because she is now with child and a real human and also struggling to get more than 4 hours of sleep at night. Brighten up her day by getting her little Betch In Training a baby onesie from Shop Betches.

FOR THE MOM WHO IS ALWAYS ON THE GO

This mom has always been your business betch inspiration, as you’ve admired her for balancing her work and home life so well. Despite being super important at her company, she somehow found the time to proofread all your high school papers and prepped you for every job interview you’ve ever had.  Soap & Glory is the perfect cheeky and empowering cosmetic brand that this mom absolutely NEEDS in her life. Since she’s always running from mandatory family breakfast to business meeting, get her some of our favorites like their Rushower Dry Shampoo and their Hand Food hydrating hand cream.

FOR THE MOM WHO ALWAYS KEEPS IT SIMPLE

This mom is a woman of few words, but always knows what to say. You can find her in the yoga studio in the morning and hosting a charity dinner party by night. She’s the one who taught you that doing things for others is like, important. Not one for flashy things but a lover of the arts, this mom would love a piece from Adam Marc Jewelry. Our favorite pieces are the Kim Star Choker and the Rafaeli 14k Gold Bar Necklace. Use code BETCHES20 for 20% off—your mom will never have to know you didn’t pay full price.