Some days you wake up, and you dream of doing good for the world. Volunteering at an animal shelter, donating canned goods to a local food bank, or giving a pity like to that girl who posts inspirational quotes. You just feel like doing the right thing. And other days? Well, other days you just kinda wanna f*ck sh*t up. What can I say? Life can get dull. Drama is fun. Sue me (actually, don’t. I’m in no way capable of entering a courtroom without quoting Legally Blonde and shouting “YOU BITCH,” and I feel like it just won’t go well for any of us).
Anyway, while adding more drama to your wedding (which is sure to be an already drama-filled day) might seem like a Nightmare Dressed Like A Daydream, it’s your day, dammit! And by God, if you want drama, There. Will. Be. Drama. So, sit back, relax, and add the following guests to your invite list. We’re sure you have the extra space in your venue, seating chart, and budget.
The Person He Used To Sleep With
Whether she was a one-night stand, a FWB situation, or a fling, everyone knew the two of them weren’t “studying” for finals together in the library. While they were never officially official, they were official enough to know what each other’s genitals look like, and that’s good enough for you. Whether you’re anxious for her to see the body you’ve been working on since saying “yes” in your custom gown, or you’re eager to watch her face fall during the first dance, drama is sure to surround her from her seat at the sh*ttiest reception table near the bathrooms and beyond.
The Person You *Think* He Used To Sleep With
It’s never been confirmed, but something about the chemistry they have has always made you wonder, and that kinda makes it even more infuriating. The hat stealing. The beer pong pairing. The big bear hugs that used to linger just a second too long. Whether you’ve asked and he’s denied (red flag), or you’ve accepted that you might never know the answer, you still have this feeling. So, if you’re looking for a dose of drama along with what could potentially be the most stressful day of your life, invite the wild card! Odds are she’ll show up in a bright red, low-cut, mermaid gown which was 100% made for the sole intention of stealing the spotlight. Should be fun!
The Person Who Will Always Be In Love With You For No Reason
The one you always kept on the backburner. The one who would pick you up from the airport at 1am and bring you soup when you were sick even though you never came close to even kissing him. Chances are you never even talked about his borderline obsessive feelings toward you, and you just reaped the rewards of being idolized. What? No one said you were perfect. While his/her heart will literally break into a zillion shards as you say “I do,” they’ll give you a bomb-ass gift, so there’s that. Plus, if your marriage goes to sh*t anytime in the next 50 or so years, you-know-who will be there to pick up the pieces, support you financially, and never ask for anything in return, God bless ‘em.
The Random Person Who Wanted To End Up With Him
Whether or not they dated doesn’t matter. In fact, whether or not they ever made physical contact doesn’t even matter. All that matters is that as soon as that bitch sees your man, her face lights up like the rest of us do when Kylie’s Lip Kits go on sale. For her, it was love at first sight. For him? He still can’t remember if her name is LaurA or LaurEN. While she’ll hover around the dance floor and insist on getting as many selfies with him as possible, she’s a silly, mostly harmless choice for a drama invite. If anything, seeing someone drool over your man while he’s completely oblivious might just make the coveted and mythical Wedding Night Sex that much better.
A Bonafide Ex From Either Side
These two didn’t just mess around every once in a while after one too many tequila shots when they were 19. They were the real deal. The hand-holding, Instagram posting, “considered getting matching tattoos before one of them realized that they obviously weren’t going to end up together and made some bullsh*t excuse like ‘my mom’s gonna kill me if she finds out’ because they didn’t want that permanent reminder on their skin for the rest of their lives” real deal. While they might not have been forever, they were “for a while,” and that’s enough to cause some good old-fashioned friction. There’s no way she, at some point, didn’t kinda-sorta-maybe picture walking down the aisle to your future hubby. Give her a good seat for the show and graciously thank her for coming. In the end, she’ll give you the best gift of all: Her cold, hard jealousy.
The One Who Got Away (On Either Side)
She’s not like, a regular ex. She’s THE ex. The one who, even after that sparkly brilliant cut landed on your freshly manicured fingers, you can’t help but occasionally compare yourself to after you’ve had 2.5 glasses of rosé. Or stalk her Facebook back to 2008. Or passive-aggressively like all of her sh*t from your burner IG account. I’m not saying you’re the consolation prize. Or second best. Or not quite as good as the girl he dated all through high school and the first half of college before she moved away and broke his heart. Of course not. Chill. But uh, now that you mention it, I’m also not not saying that either.
Whether it was your first love or his, walking down the aisle and seeing the face that could have easily been one of your ~forevers~ sitting in the audience (if guests at your wedding don’t feel like an audience, you’re doing it wrong) is a sure-fire way to cause an emotional sh*t-show. My money’s on the fact that before the cake is cut, you’ll be dreaming of going back on those “forsaking all others” vows and making out with Mr. Right Guy, Wrong Time. SO GLAD HE COULD MAKE IT THOUGH, RIGHT?!
His Mother
From the HELPFUL comments about your cooking, the SWEET way she reminds your future-husband that she came first, and the WISE AND FASHIONABLE suggestions she has about your clothing choices, there are few people you’d rather run into car trouble on the day of. While you can’t imagine your day without her, sometimes you like to, just for fun. All of the other bitches above are just women you sometimes hate-stalk when you’re bored and occasionally dream about the joy you’d feel if their lives fell about. Your FMIL, however, is the one you truly hate to love. And the best part? She’s in it (and by “it” I mean alllll of your biz-niz) for the long haul. While the fact that she asked to wear cream to the wedding and attempted to go into the changing room with you during your bridal appointments makes your skin crawl, this is the one who, no matter how much you detest it, will end up with an invite. Whether or not that invite gets lost in the mail, of course, is entirely up to you.
Images: Shutterstock
Dear Betches
I love my boyfriend to death but I also love my family, I put a lot of effort into knowing and having a relationship with his family also (buying presents, taking his grandmother places, always inviting all of them where ever we go) but he hasn’t put any effort into mine save a couple of holidays. We have been together for 3 years and a pretty comfortable but he says he is just not a family person.
Now here’s when it gets shitty because he came to a family event and my family (who is big on respect) talked a little crap. I talked to him about it and talked to my family and it won’t happen again but the second he got home he went and told his mom about it and she (who had told him he should go in the first place!) said to me that she wanted to call my family and yell at them, insulted my family and said that she doesn’t think he should ever go again! It took me months of begging to get him to go, and in that time he missed 2 weddings so my family was understandably kinda iffy about him. They are blunt people and the men gave the whole “you hurt her, you’re gonna have to deal with me, we gotta lot of land” crap. Nothing I thought was that big of deal, kind of rude but I talked to them about it and I wanted to keep it between us, but the second I get there, his mom starts yelling at me, talking shit about my family. I didn’t say anything for fear of going off completely but before this me and her were close and now I refuse to spend any amount of time with her at all. So since he (thanks to her meddling) no longer wants to spend time with my family, I longer wish to spend time with his.
My mom thinks I should tell him that maybe we both no longer spends time with either of our family since that’s the way his mom feels but I don’t think that’s what either of us wants. His mom is always meddling where she doesn’t belong and it has gone to far this time, what should I do?
Signed,
What else can I do?
Dear Readers,
Please insert your own paragraph breaks next time so I don’t have to deal with a wall of text. Now. Onto the real issue. First of all, I would hardly consider making a few “If you hurt her we’re gonna kill you” jokes from the men in your family “talking crap” about your boyfriend. To me that’s pretty standard and kind of expected when you’re the boyfriend meeting your girlfriend’s family. Maybe I just read too much r/relationships and am a general pessimist, but I get the impression that your boyfriend doesn’t really give that much of a shit, about you or your family. I think he doesn’t want to put in that much effort into this relationship—like you said, this is “comfortable”—and he’s using your family’s light ribbing as an excuse to preemptively get himself out of all future family duties.
Like I told a girl with a similar issue, you don’t have a future MIL problem—you have a boyfriend problem. If your boyfriend is so willing to run crying to his mom over, again, what I perceive to be a very common and obvious joke, I don’t know what to tell you, fam. If you’re not acting completely unreasonably and like a psycho (which I don’t think you are but the run-on sentences are definitely a red flag), he should be defending you to his mom.
Maybe you should just spend some time without each other’s families, but I don’t think you need to make a whole big production about it and basically tell his mom you’re punishing her for her behavior by refusing to see her. Just like… don’t hang out with the fams for a while until you guys can come to some sort of mature compromise or agreement.
Honestly, though, unless your families are abusive and/or toxic it’s like, not a good sign that you guys can’t get along. “You don’t marry the person, you marry the family” and all that.
Did I ever give advice, or just a series of my opinions? Oh well. You can take it or leave it.
Dear Betches,
For over a year now I’ve had a male best friend- that I met via the internet We’ve always been somewhat flirty, we’ve sexted and exchanged explicit images.
He’s always been there for me and I for him. Over this past Winter, I think I started to develop feelings. My heart would race, and I’d light up every time we talked. We finally met in May. And honestly, when he hugged me I felt at home.
He’s still friends with his ex, and he actually introduced us and now her and I are close. Recently, I went with them and a lot of other people on a vacation up North to a cabin. While we were there, I gave him head twice, but because of my period, we didn’t do anything else except grind on each other. When I gave him head, he said “You certainly aren’t the first to give me head, and you won’t be the last… Well, maybe.” We passed out, and snuggled the whole night.
My problem is that he has implied in the past he would date me. And I do want to date him. But was it a bad decision to give him head before being in a relationship? I don’t want to get taken advantage of, and this boy means a whole lot to me. I just don’t know if my decision resulted in the chance of us dating is out the window. And what the hell did he mean by “Maybe I won’t be the last.”
Please send help!!
Thank you,
Ugh, here we fucking go again with this shit.
Look, you never had a “friend”, you had a guy who was trying to get in your pants. Blah blah blah, y’all know the drill. I’m going to keep this short and sweet because I just don’t have the desire to literally act out the definition of madness. OKAY SO.
1. “You certainly aren’t the first to give me head, and you won’t be the last” … what a fucking weird thing to say! He sounds like a douche bag. Cut him loose. And stop trying to make male friends on the internet.
2. He’s still friends with his ex — some may disagree, but that’s an automatic disqualification in my book. Either they’re extremely mature or somebody is still (actively or subconsciously) tryna fuck somebody.
3. (Just imagine I’m saying this and clapping in between every word) Giving a guy head over having sex does not make you seem like less of a slut. You kind of are missing the point. It’s not like once you have sex with a guy over doing other, similar sexual shit, it flips a switch in his brain to go from “wifey material” to “slut”. “Yeah I totally wanted to date that girl until she agreed to have sex with me” — said no guy ever.
I don’t think you’re getting taken advantage of because you gave a guy a blow job before monogamy (I’m not Patti Stanger), but I DO think you *might* be getting taken advantage of because this “boy means a whole lot” to you (vom) and he’s probably acutely aware of that. But it’s too soon to call. Watch his next moves—that will tell you everything. Does he get weird and evasive? Does he try to downplay what happened? Or does he use your hookup as an opportunity to say “Hey it’s obvious we are both attracted to each other, let’s explore something further?” If it’s anything other than the third option, I’m sorry, but you don’t mean as much to him as he does to you.
I say, for now, you sit back and see how he handles things. If he gets squirrelly, call him out.
In this special edition of Dear Betch, we hear from two readers who hate their boyfriends’ moms. If you have a problem only The Betches can solve, email us at [email protected] and you just might get a response.
Dear Betch,
I’ve been dating this guy a year to be soon I am 17 his mom found out we have sex. Then she was upset cause I made fun of her weight I weigh about 170 she weighs 552. I’m one of those people that think you should make your body healthy. I’m very nice I’ve cleaned her house even done dishes on multiple occasions. Helped her celebrate Mother’s Day too. But she f no one wants to deal with his little sister Jessie which weighs more than me and is in 6th grade all they eat is fast food. His mom has caused him to lose many girlfriends in the past I think his mom’s just freaking out, this is a long relationship showing he is growing up. She wants him to live home till after college. The mother can not do anything for herself she makes him do all house stuff even if he is up stairs he comes down stairs to put a disk in the DVD player. When I’m there we don’t get time together since his mom needs him 24/7. My family loves him they support everything. His mom uses my crappy mom against me saying she knows I’ve grown up in a house where the mom don’t make the rules but I grew up in a dad’s house and that’s more rules I love my dad he’s taken care of me she can not use my mother against me I didn’t ask for a mom like yea… I will stop ranting down to basics how do I deal with the helicopter mom reading his texts looking through photos everyday she acted nice at first but now she don’t like me.
Dear Youth,
Jesus, this was a fucking lot to push myself through when I’m dealing with a music festival hangover. Anyway, like, my first piece of advice WOULD be to study some English textbooks but I’m trying to be a better person and the fault really lies in the American education system *breathes deeply*. Okay so really, I don’t have a lot of advice here. I know you’re 17 and teenagers are stupid, but to say you shouldn’t have made fun of your boyfriend’s mom’s weight is a huge understatement. Like, what is wrong with you? I don’t care if she weighs 10,000 pounds—you don’t fucking do that, especially if this is someone you’re trying to impress. I have a feeling your boyfriend’s mom doesn’t like you because you show open disdain for her lifestyle and parenting choices—not saying they’re stellar, but I probably wouldn’t be thrilled if some teenager was trying to criticize how I live my life.
Really, all you can do is just lay low and try not to interact with your boyfriend’s mom that much. When you do interact with her, play nice. It’s just not worth it. Get out of the house. Go to Applebee’s. Hang out in a parking lot. IDK what else teenagers do. Just do what I do with most of my problems: ignore them, and then when you come face to face with them, pretend they don’t exist.
You’re probably not going to stay together through college anyway,
The Betches
Dear Betch,
33 weeks into my pregnancy, hormonal and honestly ready to pop this baby out already ! I’m so excited and so happy…..ONE MAJOR PROBLEM.
My boyfriend’s bitch mother who is way too involved in his life and way too clingy like a 16-year-old jealous ex-girlfriend. Seriously.
When I first got pregnant we were both pretty freaked out and I ended up moving out of our house because we were fighting and I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I ended up obviously deciding to have the baby.
His mom was harassing me and my family and telling me she hopes the baby miscarries and when I have this baby she will make my life a living hell. She even had the nerve to try to call my work and harass me !!!
My boyfriend and I didn’t speak for 3 months and agreed NO contact and I would have the baby alone and my family would support me, on the condition he stayed away….Well, three months later he came crawling back crying and saying he wants to be involved and wants to be in the baby’s life.
Like an idiot I did let him back, then three months ago she had the nerve to tell my boyfriend SHE EXPECTED A CALL FROM ME !!!! FROM ME?! Which started a HUGE fight…. She has not called me, or apologized to me or my family for what happened in the beginning of the pregnancy, and has the audacity to give my boyfriend Name suggestions and tell him her ideas and try to over step decorate my baby’s nursery, LOL Buying I <3 my Grandma shirts. I am beyond heated and livid how shes trying to play victim and acting like shes done nothing wrong.
As an olive branch from my parents…. They told me to send her an invitation to the baby shower, so I gave one to my boyfriend and she texted me to RSVP….STILL NOT SAYING A WORD OR A SORRY!!! This lady really has balls thinking shes going to show up with out an apology….
Now 8 months pregnant, my boyfriend gets offended every time I try to tell him he needs to tell her not to overstep or there is going to be major issues! Literally all we fight about is her and to make things worse she really asked him if she can be there when I deliver !!! I do not want this lady there in one of my most precious moments in life giving birth to my son. I have no idea how to handle this situation any longer.
What do I do? How do i not kill this lady ? Please help !
Love,
You friendly neighborhood pregnant girl
Dear Pregnant Gal,
Sorry I took like a month to get back to you, you might have even had the baby by now in which case, congrats. Unlike the first girl, you have a real issue on your hands and the issue is that your boyfriend’s mother sounds like a fucking nightmare. Unfortunately the solution isn’t really up to you—it’s on your boyfriend to fix things. He’s the father of your damn child; he needs to start standing up to his mom and not letting her treat you like shit. If he doesn’t do that, she’s never going to change. So it’s time to have a come-to-Jesus talk: either he grows a backbone, or you cut all contact with his mother (and frankly, maybe even your boyfriend too if he refuses to support you). I would also check out two subreddits: JustNoMIL (it’s for people who have terrible mothers-in-law) and RaisedByNarcissists (it is what it sounds like). Not to play armchair psychologist, but it sounds like your boyfriend’s situation might apply to the second one. Those people can probably give you way better, concrete advice since I am single and my parents are embarrassing, yes, but not narcissists.
I don’t have a snarky sign-off so I’m just going to say best of luck to you,
The Betches
Got a fucked-up problem only The Betches can solve? Email us at [email protected] and you just might get a response.
Dear Betch
So I cannot stand my boyfriends mom. Like at all. I have never disrespected her, I’ve always been super polite and super nice because it’s just the way I was raised. I’ve always bit my tongue when it comes to her. It’s getting to the point where I think I might lose my mind. I live with my boyfriend and his mom. I moved here because of some family issues and my boyfriend just thought I’d be safer and better off with him. Well I’m a super clean person. I’m always cleaning and picking up stuff around my house. Well… when I moved in I was shocked as all hell to see the FILTH in his house. His mother is hoarder. And it’s so bad. The house is full of clutter and dirt and it reaks the smell of dog. Now majority of the time she’s gone. She’s a teacher and tutors after school so she gets home kinda late. When I first moved in I fell into a pretty bad depression. I wouldn’t talk to anyone, I wouldn’t really go out and I slept majority of the time. Being in her house just made me so sick. Hell it still does but I’m working now and it’s getting better.
Well anyway. Aside from her being a filthy, lazy, slob… she’s the BIGGEST hypocrite I have ever met. My boyfriend and I both smoke cannabis. She use to smoke cannabis as a teenager. My boyfriend and I both use to smoke cigarettes. Well I managed to quit and I also managed to get him to quit which she has never been able to do. She wears to god that we’re ruining our lives. My boyfriend is a manager at a local sonic and he’s working to become a GM and he wants to work his way up to the top. And he’s doing so good but she’s constantly telling him he’s a failure and he’s going nowhere. She doesn’t see how that affects him. It kills me that she puts him down like that. I spend so much time trying to cheer him up because of the things she says. She swears that cannabis is making us sick. I’ve always been able to ignore her until one day she really crossed the line. She came in and just started bitching about us and said that we’re losers and that we need to stop smoking pot and she looked me dead in the eyes and said that I was a drug addict and that I’m ruining her son. FIRST OF ALL my boyfriend was smoking before we even met. SECOND since we’ve been together, he’s quit smoking cigarettes, he’s gotten a car, and we’re saving up to move into an apartment within the next two months. If anything I’ve helped him. I haven’t ruined her son. I have tried to be nice to her and I’ve tried making friends but I know she doesn’t like me. And I know it’s only because I smoke. She doesn’t want her son with me because she wants him to be with someone who doesn’t smoke and will make him quit. But what she doesn’t realize is that he won’t be with anyone who doesn’t smoke because cannabis is a big part of his life. We both struggled with depression as young teens and we both use cannabis to self medicate. I honestly hate this woman. It’s to the point where just hearing her come home makes my blood boil and I just wanna scream all these nasty things to her and tell her how bad of a mother she is. I don’t know what to do. Please help me before I screw something up
Sent from my iPhone
K so I know this email is a month old and IDK how relevant my advice is anymore, but I’m going to give it anyway. Y’all have more issues than Vogue tbh. Your first step is to MOVE TF OUT OF YOUR BF’S MOM’S HOUSE. There really is no other solution here. You can’t talk to her about cleaning since it’s her house, you can’t clean her shit for her since if she’s a hoarder she’s probs got attachment issues to all her shit—so you’ve gotta go.
As far as the other shit… She may have smoked weed when she was a teenager, but like, are you smoking in her house? IDK why but I got that impression and that’s not cool at all. Why does your boyfriend’s mom even know you smoke in the first place? Your boyfriend’s mom, along with all parents in your life, should think you’re a virginal angel who’s never done anything bad in her life—not that you self-medicate with weed (a whole separate issue; consider therapy). Nothing you can do about it now because the cat’s out of the bag, but for future reference don’t talk to your SO’s parents about your copious drug use, no matter how “big a part of your life” it is.
Just play nice with your boyfriend’s mom because this is not a battle you’re ever going to win, and keep supporting your boyfriend when she puts him down. And for the record, who says “cannabis”? Just say “weed” like a normal fucking person.
Dear Betch,
Last falI I transferred from a small private college to a large state school because of my major. At my old college, I was popular, outgoing, on the cheerleading team, etc. Here at my new school, i’m feeling a little out of place. I’ve been here for months and while I have a small group of friends, I’ve developed a reputation of being more quiet and reserved than the life of the party, like I used to be. I want to start over but don’t know how to suddenly do so without making everyone think I have two personalities or something. Any advice on how to ditch my new rep and start over as the confident Betch I once was?
Sincerely,
Not Wanting To Be Kevin Wendell Crumb
K so I have no idea who Kevin Wendell Crumb is, so maybe your first issue is you make obscure references? Second, you’re making a way bigger deal out of this than it is. Nobody’s going to think “Wow, the new girl was shy at first and now that she’s warmed up to things she’s acting more confident—she’s totally got multiple personalities!” No. That’s a normal progression that happens to people when they’re outside of their comfort zone. If you want to be more confident and fun, just fucking do it. “Fake it til you make it,” as they say. Join some new clubs, maybe consider rushing a sorority (those tend to be big in large state schools), try out for cheerleading—basically anything that doesn’t involve sitting alone in your dorm room and overthinking things.
Everything you’re going through is normal and to be expected for someone who went from being a big fish in a little pond to a little fish in a big pond. So like, don’t stress. I get why you would, but it’s not productive (aka what I tell myself everytime I go into a stress spiral about something minute).
Got a fucked-up problem only The Betches can solve? Email us at [email protected] and you just might get a response.
