I’m not a morning person by any means, so waking up anytime before
1pm 11am honestly crushes my soul. Not sure what asshole made 9-5’s a thing, but I’d like to change that please. Until those dreams become a reality, I still have to go to work and wake up at soul-crushing hours, but if I can afford an extra minute of sleep, I’m def going to hit the snooze button five consecutive times maybe once or twice. This means rushing out the door yet still looking like a functioning member of society who gets more than six hours of sleep and doesn’t “forget” to wash her hair a couple times a week. Since half-assing my makeup makes me look like I got ready while drunk and I’d rather have a Starbucks barista fuck up my coffee than finish my makeup on the subway, I’ve learned how to condense my routine and find shortcuts to perfecting my contour without wasting 30 minutes. Here are the tricks I have up my sleeve to help you get ready much faster.
1. Make Dry Shampoo Your BFF
Yes, it’s true. By Friday, my hair is approximately 68% dry shampoo. If you know what’s good for you, then you know a good dry shampoo will save your life, one spray at a time. If you wake up early enough for a morning shower—first of all, you’re already winning—skip the whole shampoo-conditioner-blow dry thing, and use some dry shampoo to soak up any oily, greasy shit in your hair. Comb your fingers through and give it a good shake for extra volume and body. Blowout or just good dry shampoo? No one will tell the difference.
2. Contour Using A Kabuki Or All-In-One Brush
Unless you’re a makeup artist or an
Instagram thot aspiring beauty vlogger, nobody has the fucking time to use 100 brushes for contouring when you’re on a time crunch. It’s just not possible and it’s too time-consuming for anyone’s good. Instead, opt for a simple kabuki brush (my fave is the E.L.F Ultimate Kabuki Brush) or a multi-purpose brush like the BECCA The One Perfecting Brush. Rub it in your bronzer and starting at your hairline, work it onto your face by making a “3” on both sides. Don’t forget to blend in entirely or you’ll look like a fucking idiot with 3’s on your face. When I hit my rock bottom started following Kim K on Snapchat, she shared this beauty secret and I’ve used it ever since. And people say she doesn’t have a talent.
3. Skip Highlighter, Use Lighter Concealer
Applying highlighter doesn’t even really take up that much time, but it’s still an extra step you don’t really need. Instead of making a glittery mess, get a concealer that’s at least a shade lighter than your usual color. Apply it before foundation to hide those corpse-looking bags under your eyes and along your cheekbones to really make them glow. The light contrast will give you the same wide-awake, refreshed look you need to look like a human at work.
4. Ain’t Nobody Got Time For Mistakes AKA Liquid Eyeliner
In the time of a crisis, aka missing the last possible train before running late (again), we’ll need to forfeit a winged eye. This is only acceptable during Monday-Thursday because Fridays are when we take the office glow to happy hour hoe and with that, we’ll need winged eyeliner. But for the rest of the week, skip that shit. In place of liquid eyeliner because that’s just too much of a risk, use a nude eyeshadow as your base. After that, make a thin line where you’d use eyeliner with a dark eyeshadow shade. Or, honestly, just skip eyeliner altogether if
it’s unnecessary there’s no cute guys in your office.
5. Use Mascara For Both Your Eyebrows And Your Lashes
If you haven’t made a trip to your eyebrow lady and you also know filling them in takes 2,000 years, buy a colored mascara (brown, brown-black, whatever) to fix this struggle. Shade in your eyebrows with the mascara brush, which gets the job done and still makes them look natural. Then, load up on your lashes to kill two birds with one stone.
6. Put On Some Lipstick And You’re Good To Go, Betch
Lastly, to really complete your look and fool everyone into thinking you woke up extra early to slave over your makeup for hours, put on a bright red lipstick or your fave nude pink to finish it off. A red lip is perf for a boss-ass bitch going into work and it looks good on everyone, so honestly so you can’t go wrong. For something more subtle, apply a natural-looking nude pink as you head out the door and you’ll look as put-together as you ever will for the next 8 hours. See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?