This week, the stars are here to wreak havoc on your plans. With Mars in retrograde, Mercury in retrograde, and Venus in Virgo, this can only mean one thing: slow tf down. Now is not the time for rash decisions, major moves, or overly aggressive Instagram stories. Take this as a sign from the stars to hold back, chill out, and continue main-lining reality television per usual.
With 2021 fast approaching, you’re itching to cross more of your end-of-year goals off. Unfortunately, with Mars retrograding in your sign, now is not the time to try to speed up your timeline to hit some arbitrary “completed by” goal. As they say, slow and steady wins the race. It’s okay if you don’t do everything you planned to do this year. There’s kind of been other shit going on.
We all know you pride yourself on being chill, but there is such a thing as being too chill and you’re dangerously approaching that this week. Your go with the flow attitude might lead you down a path you don’t actually want to follow. Check in with yourself and make sure you’re headed in a direction you actually want to go. You can hit the vape pen and resume maximum chillage the moment you’re back on track.
You’re not normally afraid of a little TMI, but this week you might want to keep your cards a little closer to your chest. With so many planets retrograding the line between “quirky overshare” and “creeping everyone the fuck out” might be a little blurred. No need to give yourself a reason to look back on the night before and wish you hadn’t said half this shit you said (though TBH you’ll be doing that anyway).
A plan you’re dying to hatch might actually need a little more time to incubate this week, Cancer. Sure you might *feel* like it’s time to launch your big idea, but as we in astrology like to say, the stars are not aligned. Continue to tweak around the edges, do another proofread, and hold off on the big day until every planet isn’t conspiring to fuck you up.
The world has set an impossible task for you this week, Leo: stay humble. With the planets all out of whack, your self confidence can veer into overconfidence, which can veer into annoying the shit out of everyone which can veer into screwing yourself over. Basically, it’s a check-yourself-before-you-wreck-yourself-type scenario. You’ve been warned.
Your usual ability to keep your cool goes out the window this week. Given all the astrological shakeups going on, you’re due for an emotional overload. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing! You may find yourself ready to take the plunge with your current on-again-off-again thing, or give your current partner a little extra lovin’. That should help them get through the cold, long winter sleeping next to your cold, dead heart.
Get ready for your least favorite thing: conflict. Your diplomatic sign usually prefers to handle things like adults, but there’s no use in that when everyone else is acting like they’re on the playground. Yes, Michelle Obama says to go high when they go low, but might I suggest going… medium? No need to go full real housewife, but you don’t have to hold back all your sick burns either. It’s not your fault the person you’re arguing with is a virgin who can’t drive.
Time to turn down the sarcasm, Scorpio. Yes, you are smarter than everyone, but nobody likes hearing that and it’s not helpful. Especially if you’re trying to convince them of anything election-related. Tone down the superiority for a minute and treat people with respect. Then you’ll actually be the badass genius you imagine yourself to be.
To spend or not to spend? That is the eternal question. This week you might find yourself caught between the desire to buy yourself a shiny new toy, and the desire to continue to pay rent in a pandemic. Why not split the difference? There has to be a way to treat yourself without draining your entire checking account.
Your mission this week: conserve, conserve, conserve. Energy, water, f*cks to give, whatever you can. You might be tempted to overextend yourself this week thinking it’ll help get you over the finish line, but it’ll actually set you back (and f*ck up your skin). Nobody wants that.
That juicy piece of gossip you’re dying to share? Be sure to check, and double check, that you’re sharing it with the right people. Impulsive Mars might push you to shit talk in mixed company this week, and it could cause you some unnecessary drama. Remember the golden rule: if you don’t have anything nice to say, wait a little bit, then put it in the group chat.
Is there a relationship in your life where you’ve been doing all the heavy lifting? Time to let that sh*t go, Pisces. All the energy you’ve been putting in to try to make things work with this lover/friend/coworker could be put towards literally anything else. Seriously. Anything. (Like finally cleaning up that pile of clothes that’s been accumulating on a random chair since the start of the pandemic.)
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Strap in everybody, because Gemini season is upon us. The good news? Every sign is about to see major changes in their love, social, career, and family lives. The bad news? Every sign is about to see major changes in their love, social, career, and family lives. The next few weeks are going be all about taking the good with the bad, and staying calm when everything feels like an absolute disaster. We’ll get through it, I promise.
You know that sh*t you’ve been procrastinating since the end of 2018? Yeah, it’s time to get that done. Once you do, the stars are aligned for you to sprout wings and become the social butterfly of your dreams. But no butterfly can fly if it’s dragging a bunch of unfinished baggage around. Is that how butterflies work? Does this metaphor make sense?
Taurus season is coming to an end, which could put you in kind of a funk, but only if you let it! Spend the first half of the week honoring Taurus season by pampering the f*ck out of yourself, then ring in the Gemini by letting yourself get a little messy. Depending on what type of Taurus you are, that could mean anything from not checking off one of your eleven daily goals to stealing a boat and waking up in international waters married to a billionaire. Either/or.
Welcome to your season, b*tch! Get ready for everyone to start acting a little more like you, aka fun as f*ck but low-key psycho. You’ve got one more day to harness that Taurus energy and get your sh*t in order before your Gemini side takes over and then…well…what happens in Gemini season stays in Gemini season. I’m pretty sure that argument will hold up in court.
Get ready for some serious self-reflection, Cancer. The start of Gemini season has you looking critically at your life, which means now is the perfect time for you to start thinking about all the stuff in your life that’s holding you back. Fair-weather friends, hookups that aren’t going anywhere, and yes, even those outfits from college that do not fit anymore. You’ll be better off without ‘em.
Your communication skills are through the roof right now, so if there are any awkward conversations you’ve been avoiding, this is a good week to bite the bullet. Need a raise? Ask now. Need to define a relationship? Send the preliminary “can we talk?” text. You’ll find that this week, you miraculously have all the words to explain why you need all the money/love/freedom your heart desires.
It’s time to do something that you literally hate but will help you in the long run—ask for help. The stars are aligned for all your wildest bullet journal dreams to come true, but you’re going to need a little extra push to get over the edge. Think of someone who can help you with one of your goals and send them a “can I pick your brain over coffee?” request. Just try not to put too many exclamation points in the email.
Taurus season turned you into a literal Instagram detective, but it’s time to wrap up your investigations and figure out what to do with all of the information you have gathered. You don’t need to follow up on every lead, and there’s definitely a difference between “keeping it real” and “being a giant bitch.” Choose carefully.
You are in a glass case of emotion rn Scorpio, and that’s okay. Gemini season is hard on everybody. The only thing you should absolutely *not* do right now is try to sweep those emotions under the rug for the sake of seeming chill. That is a recipe for a drunken brunch outburst if I’ve ever heard one. Being honest and gentle with yourself will help you feel better faster, and “chill” people are all secretly psycho anyway.
Time to check in with your old friends, Sagittarius! You know, the people who knew you when you had bad eyebrows (but also knew never to bring it up). Rekindling some of your OG friendships will help you reconnect with your roots, and maybe even help you rediscover some lost hobbies you can start up again. Do people still make mix CDs?
The time to lock down your summer romance is now, Capricorn. But in order to do that, you’re going to have to put yourself out there. Make some plans off the beaten path this week in hopes of meeting someone you wouldn’t normally run into. They could be The One! Or at the very least, The One Who Is Buying You A Drink Right Now.
You’re another sign whose love life is heating up, Aquarius! But that doesn’t mean you feel like settling down. Play the field this week and see if anyone gives you the feeling they could be a more lasting thing. Not that they have to. It’s 2019, after all.
You’re f*cking tired, Pisces, and that’s okay. Taurus season took a lot out of you and now it’s time to chill. Go ahead and cancel all your evening plans (let’s be real, you always knew you were going to) and spend this week regaining your strength. Also, canceling plans feels amazing, 10/10 would recommend.
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