As we get on into the scary shit that is adulthood, there are certain skills every betch should possess. Knowing how to fold fitted sheets (still unsure if this can be done), submit taxes, unload a dishwasher, book appointments, and even take care of an animal are all on the list. Feeding, and more importantly, drinking like a king are also up there. Knowing how to make classic drinks without consulting the internet so as to keep yourself and your friends drunk is super fucking important. Here is our definitive list of the drinks you need to memorize and know how to create for whoever walks through your door.
1. Gin & Tonic
It’s two goddamn ingredients, and if you can’t figure it out you don’t deserve to share space with those who do. Add about 2 oz. of gin to a tall glass filled with ice. Squeeze in 2-3 lime wedges, then add them to the glass. Add 3-4 oz. of tonic water and stir.
Ah, the margarita: a great and terrible decision, all wrapped into one. Luckily for you, making one isn’t really that difficult, since we’re going the classic route and not the blueberry burnt orange top shelf tequila dusted with fair trade sugar route. Run a lime wedge around two glasses and dip the rims in salt (or sugar if you’re a lil bitch). Set aside. In a cocktail shaker filled with ice, combine 4 oz. white tequila (NOT Jose Cuervo), 2 oz. Cointreau, and 1 ½ oz. fresh lime juice. Shake that shit for about 15 seconds. Fill the rimmed glasses with ice and strain the margarita into the glasses. Garnish with lime wedges and serve.
A real martini is made with gin, which, while making you a psychopath for drinking it, isn’t all that bad when added to a simple concoction like the motherfucking classic dry martini. Combine 2 oz. of dry gin with 1 oz. dry vermouth and 1 dash of orange bitters (optional) in a cocktail glass that’s been chilled. Stir well and twist a piece of lemon peel over—then use as garnish. Olives are a faux pas, BY THE WAY.
4. Old Fashioned
Since this is like, probs the OG cocktail, you better know how to make it. Classic recipes abound and it’s not all that difficult. Put 1 tsp sugar in a glass, douse with 2-3 dashes of bitters and a few drops of water. Add whiskey and stir until the sugar is dissolved. Add ice, stir to chill, and garnish with an orange slice.
We admit Sarah Jessica Horseface ruined this one for us, but it actually isn’t that bad of a cocktail. I mean, it’s kinda sweet, kinda tart, and kinda really fucking easy to make. Fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add 1 ½ oz of citrus vodka, ½ oz. Cointreau, ½ oz. cranberry juice, and ¼ oz. fresh lime juice. Shake that shit well and strain into a cold cocktail glass.
6. Mint Julep
So this may be the most difficult of the bunch, and that isn’t saying much. If you live in the dirty south or raise horses/make bank on horses in Kentucky, you better know how to make this recipe as well as you can stalk an ex’s girlfriend’s mother’s brother within 30 seconds of finding out their middle initial. Place 2 tsp. simple syrup in a tall glass and add about 10 fresh mint leaves. Muddle that shit until they’re bruised, but not totally destroyed. Half fill the glass with crushed ice and add 3 oz. of good bourbon, stirring to combine. Add more crushed ice and add a few sprigs of fresh mint on top. Serve with a short straw.
Congratulations, and welcome to society, ya filthy animal.
Looking for a good mint jubilee recipe that doesn’t taste like straight up dick aka whisky. I want to look classy look the part you know when you think of mint you think it would taste like a mojito but is actually a mint jubilee?? Please help a sista out by Saturday so I can still be classy hosting and toasting a Derb party. Also maybe an article on what not to wear, caption so you don’t look basic..(talk derby to me Insta caption once more…)
I am looking for a mint julep recipe, but I do not know that’s what it is called. I would prefer it taste good, and not like a penis, which is what I think whiskey tastes like. Please help me, your fellow woman, to acquire such a recipe in time for my Kentucky Derby party this Saturday. Please also tell me what to wear, and what to post on social media so that people think I am cute, funny, and know the correct names for drinks. I do not have Google.
Dear Lizzie P,
You’re lucky we’re feeling so generous today and kudos to you for celebrating the whitest, richest sporting event there is. To reward you, your mint julep (what the fuck is a mint jubilee? Get your shit together) recipe is below. As far as it tasting like whiskey—well, it’s a fucking whiskey cocktail, so aside from watering it down with ice and mint there’s not a whole lot you can do. Suck it up. Also, I assume you may actually be from Kentucky based on your poor sentence structure. Good luck with that by Saturday. We’ve also listed out a few things to wear so you like, fit in.
Mint Julep Ingredients
· Handful of fresh mint
· 1 tsp. sugar (I guess more if you’re trying to drown out the whiskey)
· 3-4 oz. bourbon
Grab your pre-chilled old-fashioned glass or pewter cup and place 7-8 mint leaves in the bottom. Add the sugar over top, then start crushing with a muddler. Don’t go too crazy—just enough to really bruise the mint and smash some of the sugar.
Pack some finely cracked ice over top, then pour the bourbon over the top. Stir quickly until the whole glass gets super cold and frosts. Add a little mint on top and bam, mint julep.
What To Wear
Giant cute sunhats or classy fascinators: Go for something Kate Middleton wouldn’t be embarrassed of.
Classy sundresses: Banana Republic, Lily Pulitzer, Club Monaco, J.Crew, etc. all have some basic AND awesome shit, so choose wisely. Vineyard Vines is the official style of the Kentucky Derby. Check out their line here.
Banana Republic bow-neck dress
Strappy, cutesy heels: The key is being graceful—try these J. Crew satin sandals with ankle wraps which go with literally everything.
J.Crew satin sandals with ankle wraps
An outfit in which hat and dress work together: If one is loud and colorful, the other should be subdued, fucking duh.
Feathers: They’re allowed on cute hats.
What Not To Wear
Think of me as your personal Clinton Kelly, except I’m obviously not giving away a $5,000 Visa giftcard.
Denim anything: It’s social suicide.
Fugly wedges, gladiator heels, or sneakers: Just no.
Sequins: They’re unacceptable on anything for this event.
Shorts or a T-shirt in ANY fashion: The derby is a classy fucking event. Leave your garbage clothes at home.
Anything with a logo that isn’t associated with rich people: You know what we mean.
What To Put For Your Captions
Download Capgenius. You’re welcome.