The year 2017 will go down in history as the year we’ve all officially given up. It’s happening across the board, from our politicians to my will to keep up a semi-decent physique to TV executives who
are sexually harassing women left and right can’t be bothered to think of a fucking new concept for a TV show. 2017 was the year of revivals, not counting the Celebrity Apprentice revival that’s currently taking place in the White House. We got Fuller House, Gilmore Girls, Will and Grace, and now, reports have surfaced that NBC is in talks to bring back The Office. If that news fills you with any sentiment other than dread and white-hot rage, you are wrong. Happy? Wrong. Excited? Wrong. Cautious optimism? WRONG. The Office was perfect, and there is literally zero good reason to bring back a perfect thing, only to inevitably ruin it. I won’t have it.
My anger aside, thinking about The Office again reminded me of one of TV’s betchiest characters, Kelly Kapoor. Kelly took pettiness and attention-grabbing to a whole new level. She’s like, the patron saint of delusional daters and a BSCB who taught us that no matter how insane and borderline abusive you are, there’s still always a chance you’ll end up with your man (who is equally insane and borderline abusive). So to honor Kelly and help distract me from the possibility of the one pure thing in this world being sullied forever, here are some of my favorite moments, lessons, and quotes from the immortal Kelly Kapoor.
1. That Time She Wore White To Phyllis’ Wedding
Kelly is an expert in making everything about herself, and it’s truly an inspiration to betches everywhere. Would I wear white at a wedding? No, probably not. Would I wear off-white to a frenemy’s wedding just to be petty? Still probably no, but it’s fun to imagine.
2. The Time She Taught Us How To React In Every Situation
Me every time I see a dog.
Honestly I think about how kids these days are too young to have been taught by Gwen Stefani how to spell bananas on an almost daily basis.
This is me so much of the time that I’m actually starting to wonder if it’s a bit concerning…
3. When She Showed Us How To Make An Entrance That Is Both Confident And Professional
^That’s on my business card.
4. When She Taught Us The Important Distinction Between Talking Trash, And Talking Smack
I guess they couldn’t say “talking shit” on TV back then? Regardless, the lesson (and the burn) have stood the test of time.
5. When She Showed Us The Only Acceptable Response To Running Into Your Ex.
Tbh my ex recently asked me to dinner to “catch up” and I may just send him back this picture… good idea/bad idea? Leave your vote in the comments. Or not. IDC.
6. When She Made Us All Feel Better About Our Obsessive Knowledge Of Texting Etiquette.
The one good thing to come out of a The Office revival would be to hear Kelly’s thoughts on “lol” vs. “ha” vs. “haha” vs. “hahaha” and anything further than that.
7. And Shared This Universal Truth:
Thank you, Kelly. She was so ahead of her time. Now tell me how you feel about people who leave voicemails.
8. She Taught Us How To Recognize Our Strengths…
…And Our Weaknesses.
9. There Was Also The Time She Perfectly Embodied What It’s Like To Be On A Juice Cleanse.
P.S. This is called the Master Cleanse, and we tried it once. It did not go well.
10. And Finally, When She Taught Us The Ultimate Comeback To Any Attempted Breakup.
In Kelly’s defense, Ryan was a total fuckboy. Would truly love to see what this couple is up to now. Honestly, if they haven’t gotten married and divorced at least three times with an adopted baby named Usher, then any potential reunion would not be worth it. In fact, is it too late to call for a Kelly Kapoor spin-off series? Maybe one where she moves to New York and narrates her life through her fictional sex and lifestyle column in The New York Star? I get that that’s the plot of Sex And The City, but I think it could work.
Whether we ever see Kelly again or not, we all owe her a debt of gratitude. You may not have taught us how to be a good person, but you did teach us how to get lots and lots of attention, and for that we are all forever grateful.
We’ve all made fun of New Jersey for as long as we can remember. The smelly armpit of the tristate area is a notoriously easy target—not to mention it gave us our #1 source of trashy television, Jersey Shore—and that’s why we wouldn’t have thought much of it when Mindy Kaling’s character on The Mindy Project made a standard joke about Newark. Actually, we’re like four seasons behind on The Mindy Project, so we literally wouldn’t have known, but then it blew up on Twitter, as most moderately humorous interactions do these days.
The joke was that Mindy was having a party and New Jersey Senator Cory Booker shows up. Mindy says that he’s probably only at the party because he’s desperate to get out of Newark, which sounds about right tbh. Like, raise your hand if you thought the only thing in Newark was the airport.
So fast forward to last Thursday, when Cory used the joke as an excuse to slide into Mindy’s Twitter mentions. He sent her the link to an article about how awesome Newark is (but is it?) and said that he still loves her even after the NJ shade. She then tweeted back at him about how it was just a joke on the show and that she loves him too.
Ouch! @MindyKaling, heard Dr. Lahiri dissed Newark last night … @VogueMagazine & I disagree ✌: https://t.co/2wP7ZqJKQd (I still ❤️U!) pic.twitter.com/FSwfkxenQJ
— Cory Booker (@CoryBooker) March 23, 2017
Senator, if Mindy Lahiri shades it, it means we know it’s cool. Thanks for the ❤. It’s mutual! https://t.co/KW2ibviREc
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) March 23, 2017
Then the magic happened. Cory replied asking Mindy to have dinner with him in Newark and SHE SAID YES. Despite the fact that our icy heart doesn’t love people getting cute on Twitter—or like, ever—words cannot describe how much we need this to happen. Cory is easily one of the five hottest Senators and Mindy is smart and cute and very very funny. They would make an amazing power couple, and we’re so here for it.
After Mindy made a joke about looking up the train schedule, Cory said that he would send a Lyft to pick her up instead, which means senators must not make that much if he can’t even send her a black car. No word yet on when this magical date will happen, but judging by how much we’ve shaded New Jersey in this article alone, we should be getting our very own date with Cory any second now.