2019 is obviously supposed to be the year I die. On Friday, my gay brain almost exploded when Lana Del Rey, Ariana Grande, and Miley Cyrus dropped their new song “Don’t Call Me Angel” and video, from the soundtrack of the upcoming Charlie’s Angels reboot. Let me repeat: Lana. Ariana. Miley. All in the same place. Wearing Victoria’s Secret Angel costumes. It’s really too much to handle, but after a few minutes of deep breathing exercises, I’ve formed some thoughts.
“Don’t Call Me Angel” is a chaotic mess. But don’t come for me in the comments, because that’s exactly what it needed to be. I mean, you have three icons with completely different vibes in a heavily themed music video that’s glorified promo for a movie that none of them are actually in, so there’s no way this wasn’t going to be a little messy. Ariana Grande looks completely at home in her baby prostitute outfit, but Lana Del Rey seems confused why she’s not riding down the freeway in a car from the 70s. Miley seems right at home with her entire torso exposed, because I don’t think she’s worn a full shirt since 2016.
But before I dive deeper into the music video, let’s talk about the song. It’s super catchy, which makes sense, because it was written and produced by some of Ariana’s favorite collaborators, Max Martin, ILYA, and Savan Kotecha. The beat that pounds throughout the entire song kind of sounds like church bells on speed, which is a vibe. Really, it sounds like an Ariana Grande song that Miley Cyrus hopped on, and then Lana Del Rey just Airdropped them a verse from something else she had already recorded. Lana Del Rey is literally my queen, but her part of the song sounds like it was recorded on a different planet. Whatever, it’s a mood.
I don’t think the song is a masterpiece, but I like it enough that I’ll probably mindlessly listen to it on repeat for my whole commute today. It is, as the kids say, a bop. Good job, ladies. But let’s get back to the video.
I would love to know the budget for this, because it was definitely more than I will make in the next 40 years. They got helicopters and everything!! While I already kind of addressed their parts together, we need to talk about their separate segments.
Ariana’s scenes could honestly just be outtakes from her video for “Boyfriend,” which I already forgot existed, oops! She doesn’t really have a storyline here, and is mostly just twirling around in her angel costume. That’s mostly what she does anyway, so this is not really a change.
For her parts, Miley gets to be in a cool boxing ring wearing a bunch of gold chain, fighting with a guy who is the hottest man I’ve ever seen. It seems dangerous to fight with so many necklaces on, but that’s not my problem. I don’t know if this was filmed pre- or post-divorce news, but Miley really looks incredible here. Like, she’s glowing, and it’s not just the sweat from her boxing match. Maybe she’s imagining that the guy she’s beating up is Liam? Just a thought.
Lana Del Rey gets my favorite storyline, as a stealthy assassin who loves looking at hidden camera footage and throwing knives into outlines of a dude’s crotch. This is THE mood. And when she’s in her den of fire in that little red dress, OH MY GOD. I have never been more turned on, honestly.
By the time the three ladies prance into a banquet hall and start ripping grapes off a vine, the strategy here has become clear: throw absolutely everything at the wall and hope that people lose their minds. And honestly? Here I am writing an article about it, and I’ve already seen it memed approximately 500 times. I guess the strategy worked! Will this song be winning Grammys a year from now? Probs not, but I’ve streamed it 12 times this morning, so who really cares?
Images: Ariana Grande / YouTube; Giphy (2)