Celebrities are really just not like us, a fact they continue to prove every day in their little interviews and their little Insta stories showing their not-at-all-little mansions. This week’s weird celebrity trend? Not bathing, apparently.
On Thursday, Jake Gyllenhaal’s interview with Vanity Fair came out. He spoke with the outlet about many things, including his new Michael Bay movie and fragrance campaign. Oh yeah, and washing himself. Or, more accurately, not washing himself.
It began when the interviewer asked Gyllenhaal about his “defining water experiences” in “aquatic New York”—basically, his experiences in and around the water surrounding Manhattan. Gyllenhaal, despite being a celebrity and having an estimated net worth of $80 million, doesn’t spend much of his time, say, doing bougie sh*t on boats (or so he claims). He says most of his aquatic interactions with the city are “through showering” (same). Which is all fine and good, except in a follow-up question, the actor revealed he actually doesn’t shower all that much.
“More and more I find bathing to be less necessary, at times,” Jake replied, when asked about his showering routine. To his credit, he did say he believes “that good manners and bad breath get you nowhere.” So the man brushes his teeth, at least. But then, and here’s where it took an eyebrow-raising turn, he added, “But I do also think that there’s a whole world of not bathing that is also really helpful for skin maintenance, and we naturally clean ourselves.”
(The interview immediately moved on to a discussion of Gyllenhaal’s collaboration with Russ & Daughters, so we didn’t get much more on his views of skin maintenance.)
This revelation came just days after Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard went on The View and admitted they can go “sometimes five, six days” between bathing their kids. Bell explained that once the kiddos start to smell, then the couple knows it’s bath time. And before ye judge, let he who has not lost track of the days during the pandemic cast the first stone.
And they’re not the only celebrities to publicly eschew daily showers or baths. Late last month, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher appeared on Shepard’s podcast, Armchair Expert, where they again talked about bathing. Kutcher said the couple’s philosophy on bathing their children goes as follows: “If you can see the dirt on them, clean them. Otherwise, there’s no point”. I mean, that is the philosophy I use with respect to cleaning my kitchen floor, but for the human body??
Kutcher also said that as far as his own showers go, he’ll wash his “armpits and my crotch daily and nothing else ever,” although he will, as he described, “throw some water on my face after a workout to get all the salts out.” But how is his skin better than mine???
Even though I personally find showering to be a chore, I shudder at the thought of not doing it regularly. But are the celebrities onto something? Healthline boldly declares, “soap is pretty much unnecessary”, and says, “All you absolutely need, bare bones, to stay clean is water. Just water.” The reason? Water rinses away dirt without stripping important oils from your skin the way conventional soaps can, since they often have a high pH. And according to Bustle, your arms and legs don’t need to be soaped down every day since they don’t produce that much oil. Today noted in 2014 that, since soap is designed to strip oils from the skin, it can cause over-drying, and isn’t necessary on the chest or back, either.
While that may be true, people on social media were quick to point out the inherent privilege in these celebs’ statements. Jemele Hill tweeted that while these white celebrities brazenly discussed their lax showering philosophies, “Black folks don’t have that luxury.” She added, “*Most* of us were raised to be obsessively clean because we always have to ‘present well’ for white folks.”
Though I will be second-guessing any desire to get within smelling distance of the aforementioned famous people, there is at least one celebrity crush we can keep. On Friday, The Rock took to Twitter to assure fans that he does, in fact, shower.
“Nope, I’m the opposite of a ‘not washing themselves’ celeb,” the former Sexiest Man Alive tweeted. And, in fact, his routine might put yours to shame: “Shower (cold) when I roll outta bed to get my day rollin’,” he wrote. “Shower (warm) after my workout before work. Shower (hot) after I get home from work. Face wash, body wash, exfoliate and I sing (off key) in the shower”.
And a final note to influencers: nobody is asking about your showering routine, so please don’t even go there.
Images: C Flanigan/FilmMagic; Cindy Ord/Getty Images; lev radin / Shutterstock.com
Human beings contain multitudes. And even though celebrities are much prettier and richer than we can ever dream to be, they’re still human beings. So, celebrities may be vain, photogenic, calculating, and insecure creatures, but they are also so much more than that. They are also quick to throw around their name for personal gain, incredibly stupid, and bad at following rules. Wow, should we stop worshipping these people, or what? *wakes up from blackout* Sorry, I didn’t mean that, I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ll never stop worshipping you, Keanu! Anyway, because celebrities are so bad at following rules, they tend to get sued a lot. We just saw it happen with Amanda Stanton (I’m obviously using the term “celebrity” very liberally here), and she’s not the only one that’s run outside the bounds of the law—right, Felicity? So, let’s take a look at some of the most ridiculous celebrity lawsuits, because it’s not like you were actually going to do any real work at work today, sorry Karen!
Celebrities Who Were Sued For Using Paparazzi Shots Of Themselves
In addition to all the qualities I enumerated above, celebrities are also hypocrites. They say they don’t want the paparazzi to take their pictures, but *spoiler alert* they often call the paparazzi on themselves. You didn’t think the paps got those close-up photos of a celebrity couple’s romantic Rhode Island beach stroll because they just happened to be hanging out there, did you? Ohhh, you did? That’s so cute. Celebs also like to use those pap photos they’re so against on their own social media, for the times when I guess the 3,000 selfies on their camera roll just won’t suffice. Unfortunately this is actually illegal, because the celebrities don’t own those photos.
Over the past few years, this has gotten Ariana Grande, Khloé Kardashian, and Gigi Hadid into trouble.
Gigi was most recently sued for posting a picture last October that she was eventually forced to take down. She addressed the controversy on, what else, Instagram.
This post was way too long for me to read to the end (when I got to the “poor me, poor me, people take my picture outside my house” stuff I started wanting to take a bleach bath), but I believe the gist of it was that Gigi does not understand why she cannot post a picture of herself that someone else already got paid for. Well, Gigi, let me introduce you to a little thing called THE LAW that perhaps you would have learned about had you not been busy yachting in Cannes instead of attending the 9th grade. Just because you’re in a picture does not mean you own a picture. Copyright law protects photographers, and infringement could cost celebrities up to $150,000 a photo. I guess the moral of the story is that we should all just stick to posting heavily-edited photos our Instagram husbands took of us, mmmkay?
Most people would love to look like a celebrity. For instance, I would sacrifice both of my brothers and my mother’s new puppy to look like Margot Robbie. It turns out for some people that is not the case. Way back in 2006, when Kim’s sex tape was just a twinkle in Kris Jenner’s eye, a man named Allen Ray Heckard sued Michael Jordan and Nike for $832 million. He sued them for defamation, permanent injury, and emotional pain and suffering because, GET THIS: he is “constantly accused of looking like Michael” and it’s “very uncomfortable.” And how did he get this exorbitant number, you ask? He says, “Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and, ah, then I turn around and, ah, I figure that’s what it all boils down to.”
Heckard eventually dropped the suit because he realized that being mistaken for one of the world’s greatest athletes is just his cross to bear in this life (and also kind of a good thing?). Either that, or someone finally smacked some sense into him.
The Kunis/Kutcher clan is having a rough go this week, but not quite as rough as it was for Mila back in 2015 when she was sued for stealing a chicken. No, you did not just lose your grasp on the English language, yes, that did say she was sued for stealing a chicken. Let me explain.
When Mila was in first grade and living in the Ukraine, she was best friends with a girl named Kristina Karo. Kristina had a chicken named Doggie, because she was clearly a sociopath. One day, according to Kristina, Doggie disappeared and Mila confessed to taking him. Kristina claims this caused her emotional distress and drove her to therapy. Guys, was this the most explosive story to come out of Ukraine until the phone call? I think yes. Anyways, Mila got real famous, made a ton of money, and Kristina decided it was time for Mila to pay the piper. And the price? Five grand. Sorry, Doggie. I guess your life is only worth the price of a pair of sneakers Mila would buy her 2-year-old. Eventually the lawsuit was dropped because Kristina got the publicity she wanted “found it in her heart to forgive,” and decided “only God can judge.”
And finally, we’ll end with Lindsay Lohan, who has been sued multiple times, for multiple bizarre reasons. In 2007, Lindsay was sued for engaging in a “high-speed chase”. According to the suit, Lindsay commandeered another man’s car to chase her former assistant! And then! When she lost her assistant’s car, she decided to chase a different car! She eventually settled the case because this absolutely sounds like something 2007-era Lindsay would do and any judge would obviously convict.
In 2009, Lindsay was sued by Jennifer Sunday, her former business partner, for stealing the formula for Sevin Nyne tanning spray. Jennifer, are we sure we want to take any credit for this blight on humanity? It’s not even spelled correctly! Was that intentional? Or was Lindsay just tutored by a dog on the set of The Parent Trap? Plus, Lindsay’s shade of tan always ranges from Oompa Loompa to “I’m dressed like candy corn for Halloween,” so I think it would be best for anyone to keep their name off that.
^^do not trust her. She is a fugly slut.
And those are some of the most ridiculous celebrity lawsuits! I will keep you all updated on my personal lawsuits, now that I’m sure they’ll be suing me for all the harsh words I have written here today. Fingers crossed they only ask for $5,000!
Images: Shutterstock.com; Giphy (3), gigihadid/Instagram
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have been divorced since 2013, but the drama of their marriage is once again making headlines. Sh*t hit the fan with the release of Demi’s new book, Inside Out, but the details of the couple’s drama aren’t juicy and fun in a Bachelor/reality-show-mess kind of way, but rather in an invasive-and-left-me-feeling-like-I-eavesdropped-on-something-that-I-shouldn’t-have kind of way. Demi Moore’s memoir, which was released on September 24th, details Moore’s very tumultuous childhood. In her prime (a phrase steeped in ageism and misogyny, but whatever), Moore was the highest paid actress in Hollywood and nicknamed “Gimme Moore” by men who should just go shave their backs.
Basically, all this stuff has been coming out because Demi revealed a lot in her memoir, and in her media appearances promoting the memoir. In an interview with Good Morning America’s Diane Sawyer about why she wrote the memoir, Demi opened up about all the gritty details of her childhood before she got into the drama in her adult life, first during a 10-year marriage with Bruce Willis and then in her marriage with Ashton. She and Ashton met at a dinner party in 2003 and were married by 2005. It was a big deal at the time because she was 15 years his senior, something she mentioned would never be a big deal if it were the other way around—her ex-husband Bruce Willis married a woman 23 years younger than him, and nobody so much as batted an eye. At the time of her marriage to Ashton she was also pregnant, miscarrying six months into the pregnancy. She then spent years trying to conceive through in-vitro fertilization, to no avail.
She eventually talked about how she and Ashton separated in 2011 after he cheated on her. She explained to Diane Sawyer how she was getting ready to walk the red carpet for a new movie and got a Google alert on her phone saying, “Ashton Kutcher caught cheating.” (Imagine finding out your husband cheated on you via a Google alert while you’re getting glammed for a f*cking red carpet…) She immediately called him: “I asked if it was true and he admitted it right away. I think my response was, are you f*cking kidding me?” She explained this is also around the time she broke her sobriety and started taking Vicodin, up to 12 pills a day, her ex-husband-turned-friend (-turned-I-guess-not-friend?) Bruce was no longer speaking to her, and neither were any of her three daughters. Eventually her disordered eating resurfaced, and in 2012 she ended up passing out and having a seizure at a party after smoking synthetic weed and inhaling nitrous oxide, or what I like to refer to as a typical high school Saturday night, which resulted in her journey back to sobriety and to mending the relationships with her daughters.
So basically, Demi Moore’s memoir is pretty explosive, and it’s dredged up sh*t with Ashton Kutcher in particular. It makes sense, since they were together for so long, but Ashton doesn’t come out looking great in the way Demi tells it. Demi explains in the book how she and Ashton started having threesomes because she thought it would help save their marriage and how she “went into contortions to try to fit the mold of the woman he wanted his wife to be.” She writes, “So when he expressed his fantasy of bringing a third person into our bed, I didn’t say no. I wanted to show him how great and fun I could be.” Which like…is understandable. Love makes you do crazy things that you may not otherwise, and I know I can connect with the feeling of going out my comfort zone to try and hang onto someone that I was never meant to hang on to. On the other hand, I’ve read enough r/relationships to know that men (and women too, probably) often will use a threesome as a way to get permission to cheat on their significant others. LOL, bleak, I know, but people are trash.
In an interview with Ellen DeGeneres on Tuesday, Demi said that her ex-husbands were all given copies of the memoir prior to the release, but mentioned in The Wall Street Journal that they hadn’t read it all yet. According to a recent New York Times profile, Demi “felt strongly that she had the right to share stories that involved her famous ex-husbands if these episodes were principally about her, and she was confident that her portrayals of them did not make them into villains or her into a victim.” She went on to say that she hoped nobody was upset with their portrayals in the book and mentioned how everyone remembers things differently, and this is her story. And according to Ashton’s Twitter he’s salty but sort of….fine?
With all the headlines on the “Demi and Ashton drama”, I assumed I was going to be digging through a ton of sh*t and that I’d find all these terrible bombshells of information, but it seems like Ashton is trying to stay away from any sort of messy situation, even if part of him wants to say his piece.
I was about to push the button on a really snarky tweet. Then I saw my son, daughter, and wife and I deleted it. ❤️
— ashton kutcher (@aplusk) September 25, 2019
He followed it up with a tweet saying “‘Life is good.’-Larry Kutcher,” quoting his father, before bizarrely posting:
For truth text me. +1 (319) 519-0576
— ashton kutcher (@aplusk) September 25, 2019
Naturally at first I thought “HOLY SH*T LET’S TEXT ASHTON!” Assuming he had an Aaron Carter style breakdown and was ready to spill all the piping hot tea to the first person who called him, but a quick browse through Twitter shows he first posted the number back in July as a way to communicate directly with him, and to no surprise, it sends back an auto-response to a link.
— Ijeoma (@pajamagirl) September 25, 2019
I know...what a goddamn tease. Regardless, it seems the Ashton and Demi drama, like most, is fleeting. Hopefully Demi’s book does well and she once again resurfaces as the most powerful and highest paid woman in Hollywood, because frankly, she’s been through the f*cking ringer and deserves it.
images: Bruce Glikas / Getty Images; Shutterstock; Giphy; aplusk / Twitter (3)
Unless you’re a homeschooled jungle freak with no access to the Internet, you know that last week Beyonce announced the names of
our new saviors her newborn twins as Sir & Rumi Carter respectively. Tbh I’m not that impressed. I know she’s a queen and a visionary and blah, blah, blah, but I just expected more from the woman who made an entire fucking album roasting THE HUSBAND SHE’S STILL MARRIED TO. I, mean, Rumi? What’s next, Yahtzee? Trouble? Wait, I’m actually on board with that last one. Trouble Carter. Iconic. Are there any take-backs with birth certificates? Because if so, Bey, have your people call my people 3-4 loyal readers and we can work on trademarking that shit. That said, I do love a good celebrity baby name. And what better way to celebrate the birth of the Beybies than by ranking other celebrity babies based on the names their parents gave them when they were 100 percent hopped up on Xanax? I’ll leave Sir and Rumi off the list… for now. Because I have to draw a line somewhere so I guess I’ll draw it at skewering newborns barely out of the womb. But get ready kids, because one day soon when it’s socially acceptable to make fun of infants, I’ll be coming for ya. As for the rest of you, good fucking luck. Now onto the betchiest baby names in Hollywood:
10. Dusty Rose (Behati Prinsloo & Adam Levine)
I shouldn’t have expected much from the child of a Victoria’s Secret model and a former-boy-band-star-turned-desperate-reality-TV-vocal-coach, but I one hundred percent did not expect that they’d name their firstborn child after Behati’s right nipple (I assume). And this is why I have trust issues right here. Behati, let’s blame this one on the language barrier, shall we? Perhaps you didn’t realize that “dusty” and “rose” are two descriptors usually used to describe shitty bridesmaid dresses or, as I demonstrated earlier, a woman’s nipple. Adam, you get no such fucking excuses. I have a feeling childhood won’t be fun for this one, you know, aside from the model good looks and millions of dollars she’ll inherit. I’m not bitter, you’re bitter. Last place for you,
Areola Dusty Rose.
9. Boomer Phelps (Michael Phelps & Nicole Johnson)
I don’t know what’s worse, naming your child after the shade of your wife’s right nipple or naming your child after the family dog that died when you were 12. When I first heard that the son of the world’s greatest athlete was named Boomer I thought it was a literal joke. Like that one time someone started a rumor that Michael’s girlfriend had a penis. Btw that was v creative, Ryan Lochte, v creative. But apparently, the name Boomer is not a joke but rather a well-thought out decision made by
two adults one adult and someone who’s clearly been poisoned by chlorine.
^ How I imagine Boomer’s going to feel when he gets to middle school and realizes that daddy did indeed name him after a household pet.
8. Kal-El Cage (Nicolas Cage & Alice Kim)
Wait. I know what’s worse now, naming your child after fucking Superman. Seriously, Nicolas Cage? Seriously? I saw every shitty spinoff of National Treasure and this is how you repay me? BYE. I’m giving little Kal-El here eighth place because I have a feeling he’s going to have a hard enough time in life dealing with all the Internet trolls (hi) and Nicolas Cage memes out there, so I’ll give him a pass here. That said:
7. Dream Kardashian (Blac Chyna & Rob Kardashian)
Rumor has it that Rob Kardashian came up with the idea for Dream’s name based off of—get this—a dream he’s always had of having a child. God damn, we have a visionary on our hands here people. Real talk though, how pissed do we think Kris is that she has to not only spin revenge porn but also the name “Dream” into some sort of dynamic branding plan?
6. North West (Kim Kardashian & Kanye West)
We get it, it’s a direction and a play on the last name West. You’re so fucking creative, Kim. But little Northie is barely mid-list for me. I can’t give my exact reasoning for the placement of North West’s name on this highly esteemed list, but I have a feeling it’s the same reasoning that went into my decision not to follow Kim on Instagram (even though I check her feed 5-7 times a day)—I just don’t want to give her the satisfaction, ya know?
5. Saylor James Cutler (Jay Cutler & Kristin Cavallari)
SaYlor Cutler (not Sailor because Kristin is still extra AF) is the daughter of Jay Cutler, a football player (?), and Kristin Cavallari, aka the star Laguna Beach and reason I rocked a short, chunky haircut from the age 18 through 20. It’s also the reason every photo from those years has been untagged on Facebook. Once again, Kristin must insist on taking normal words and names and butchering their pronunciation. Is this why we never saw her at actual school on Laguna Beach? I’m worried that perhaps she never went and now her daughter is paying the price. MTV, can we please confirm? Whatever. Saylor is one of the better, more creative names I’ve heard this year so I guess congrats, Kristin, like my haircut, I’ll keep this name on my Pinterest board for the next 2-5 years.
4. Wyatt Kutcher (Mila Kunis & Ashton Kutcher)
As someone whose mother also wanted to punish her by giving her a boy’s name to walk around life with, I’d just like to say to little Wyatt: good fucking luck with it. And spoiler: my real name is not actually It’s Britney, Betch—shocking, I know. My actual, legal given name is loads of fun because it’s a traditional boy’s name and it’s spelled weird and watching my Bumble dates try and process that information is more of a train wreck than watching them process the words “what are we?” Thanks for that, mom! But back to Wyatt, she’s number four on my list because I feel a sense of camaraderie with the kid. Like, we’re both in this together, except she’s a toddler that hit the genetic jackpot of good looks, personality, and money, and I’m just a girl with an Internet pseudonym and savage jokes. You know, similar but different.
3. Liam James Tell (Lauren Conrad & William Tell)
A normal name, imagine fucking that. Once again, LC wins at life by giving her child a classic fuckboy name and we’re into it. This kid is going to be a player, I can already see it. Picture the year 2034, the location is Cabo, and little Liam James is calling Saylor a slut for dancing on the bar. MTV, if you’re reading this, I can’t wait for Laguna Beach: The Next Generation.
2. Penelope Disick (Kourtney Kardashian & Scott Disick)
Leave it to Kourtney to come up with a name I’d be obsessed with. I was skeptical when she named Mason (it sounded too similar to a fuckboy I dated in college, in the sense that it is same name as the fuckboy I dated in college) and I can’t even with the name Reign. Clearly, Scott was blackout when he got to name that one. But I’m obsessed with Penelope. It’s unique but still adorably normal. It’s nice that she has a good, strong name to get her through life because reading about how daddy fucked a washed up Disney star Bella Thorne while she was home with Khloe is going to be a tough pill to swallow in middle school. Good luck, girl!
1. Jack Pratt (Anna Faris & Chris Pratt)
I know what you’re thinking, “Jack? But it’s so basic, so common, and it’s not even, like, spelled with an X.” And thank fucking god for that. I’m so over celebrities and their batshit baby names. Just think about it: there’s going to be an entire generation of children named Apple and Bear. APPLE AND BEAR. Seriously, during
my research for this article the 3-5 hours I spend a night googling useless information, I discovered that in the past few years there have been FOUR celebrity children named Bear. And in my opinion, that’s four too many. I, mean, what’s next? Offred? Ofglen? Wait, nvm, I don’t like playing this game anymore.
Yep, I stand by my decision with Jack. Plus, any offspring of Andy Dwyer’s is someone I’ll stalk on social media a winner in my book. And if you don’t believe me, go check out Chris Pratt’s Instagram account–but only if you want your ovaries to melt from the cuteness.
Chris Pratt: *casually mentions son on social media*
READ: The Definitive Ranking Of La Croix Flavors
Catch up on last week’s ‘Bachelorette’ recap here!
This week on The Bachelorette, Rachel proved to be one of the betchiest Bachelorettes in history. She looked amazing, she gave zero fucks or tears about telling DeMario to GTFO, and she even used her date with Peter to get out of paying a dog sitter. She is a true class act.
First Group Date
The group date has the guys doing some bizarre whipped AF “husband material” obstacle course featuring Rachel’s “friends” Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. This household chores event is impressive in its ability to be so unrealistic and so retro at once.
Where is the cunnilingus station in the husband material relay race?
I love how none of these black guys give a shit about Ashton Kutcher. Are we being Punk’d? Why do Ashton and Mila have to resort to this? Someone’s agents need to work a little harder.
How did Ashton know that Mila was “the one” at first sight when he met her before he was married to Demi Moore for like, 10 years? Asking for a friend. Ashton does not see Rachel’s husband in this group but TBH I can’t seem to find his acting career here either.
Lucas/Whaboom definitely won because he’s on like 50mg of Adderall. They totally had Lucas win the obstacle course to guarantee him one more week on the show without Rachel having to actually pick him.
Blake the aspiring drummer needs to drum his way out of here. He literally will not stop talking shit about Lucas and watching this dumb shit unfold must be how men feel when they watch Real Housewives.
Blake: Lucas is garbage. Rachel is looking for a husband and Lucas is here to be on television. Unlike me, Blake, who is here
for everlasting love to be famous on Instagram.
Blake to Lucas: I know Lucas from a previous e
ncounter reality show. I KNOW HE’S JUST HERE TO FURTHER YOUR WHABOOM! HE’S A WHAFAKE!
What does it mean to “further your Whaboom?” Is this the new Scientology? Whaboom is not a brand, and we know that because if it was abc would be charging it for this ad space.
Rachel feels like she’s not getting the romantic aspect that she needs from this group date. Maybe it’s because she just had these guys wipe imaginary shit off fake babies for the past three hours?
Date With Peter
Peter is super hot.
Rachel: A friend of mine was in an accident, so he’s going to come on our date today if that’s okay?
Peter: *internally screams* yeah omg no prob
Peter gets to go to Coachella for losers aka doggiefest.
Rachel: Peter loves dogs, which is so important to me
Peter: I really love dogs
Meanwhile, Rachel’s dog runs around a pool party unsupervised wearing a plaster cast.
How you know this show isn’t on Bravo: entire dog-based sequence happens without anyone chanting STOP YULIN FOREVER.
Rachel and Peter are part of a long line of gap toothed bitches as they discover in their very boring heart to heart.
Second Group Date
Why does Rachel continuously refer to the celebrity guest spots as her “friends”
All the guys are like so fucking excited Ashton Kutcher isn’t in their group date guys and it’s a basketball player.
ABC is seriously springing for the celeb appearances this season. Finally, they can get some basketball legends because you know Kareem Abdul Jabbar was not coming out for fucking Nick Viall.
Pretty much everyone in America’s reaction to the idea that Kareem Abdul Jabbar is going to give Rachel advice on love and relationships. ^
The white guys are like shitting themselves over this basketball game. Where is white privilege when you need it?
DeMario’s girlfriend shows up at the basketball game and said he disappeared for a couple of days and the next time she saw him was after the final rose. This is like a serial ghoster’s worst nightmare.
Literally every fuckboy’s body language when you confront him about the shady shit he’s done. ^
Anyone who is not marginally delusional can tell that DeMario’s ex was definitely never actually his girlfriend but that DeMario was also definitely a fuckboy who kept their relationship vague and purely sexual. Also, minus five for DeMario for interacting with anyone for six months who has uttered the sentences below on national television.
“On my kitten’s graves he never came to my house and broke up with me.”
“The last time he came to my apartment he was fucking me.”
Demario’s ex had to take a flight for this fight. She took work days off. Who’s crazy in that situation? #TheBachelorette
— Jared Freid (@jtrain56) May 30, 2017
MORE LIKE DEMARI-NO
And that’s what a strong independent 31-year-old woman does.
Rachel: You’re not being honest so you can get the fuck out.
You tell him, Rachel. Never seen someone side step a waiting Chris B. Harrison like that.
I love how the guys act so surprised that someone would come on this show with a
girlfriend fuck buddy, that only happens at least once EVERY OTHER SEASON.
Alex: Here’s an old Russian folk song about dark eyes. Okay, Alexander Petrovsky that’s enough.
DeMario then returns, waiting with security and Rachel agrees to go speak to him at the beginning of episode three because The Bachelorette refuses to end one single fucking episode of this show with an actual rose ceremony in attempt to claw their way to impeccable ratings.