The Situation Got Released From Prison

The Jersey Shore family is finally complete again, as Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino was released from prison this morning. His release comes at the end of an eight-month sentence for tax evasion, which he began serving in January. Many of his Jersey Shore castmates were on hand for the release, which will conveniently be a storyline on an upcoming season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation.

The Situation was released at 8:30 this morning, and per TMZ, he and his wife wasted no time making a statement to the press. “We are elated to finally close this chapter of our life. Thank you to our family, friends and fans for the continuous love and support during this time, it brought us so much peace and comfort. We look forward to continuing our life as husband and wife and working on baby situations!”

Wow, I love a post-prison statement. I especially like the referent to “this chapter of our life,” as though Mike was just gone on an especially long business trip or something. I’m also chilled to the bone by the thought of baby Situations running around, but I expect that his wife Lauren will be pregnant by the time I finish writing this sentence.

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Funfetti cake for everyone because The Situation just got the G-T-HELL out of prison. Link in bio for this morning's big release. (?: @anthony.serrantonio)

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We don’t yet have any footage of The Situation post-prison, and we don’t know exactly which Jersey Shore people were there, but TMZ’s sources said that most of the cast took flights on Wednesday to be there.

Even though The Situation isn’t behind bars anymore, this is far from the end of his legal journey. He’ll spend the next two years under supervised probation, and is also expected to complete 500 hours of community service. I look forward to the next season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, which will hopefully include lots of footage of Mike wearing a neon vest while picking up trash on the side of the Jersey Turnpike. Truly giving a new meaning to trash TV, and I’m here for it.

Regardless of Mike’s probation situation, it seems like he’s doing a lot better than Joe Giudice, another Jersey reality star who spent time behind bars.  Joe, the husband of RHONJ star Teresa Giudice, was released from prison this spring, and has remained in custody while fighting his expected deportation to Italy. This week, there were new reports that his fight is about to come to an end, as a final decision about his deportation will be made very soon. Clearly, I’m going to have a lot of Jersey reality TV to watch in the next few months, because I’m not about to miss any of this drama.

Images: enews / Instagram; Giphy

4 Tips To Make Wedding Dress Shopping Less Stressful

In November 2018, I married my college sweetheart, Mike Sorrentino. One of the most memorable and surreal moments of the entire experience was my first time trying on wedding gowns. I planned our entire wedding start to finish in roughly two months, so I didn’t have time to waste on decisions, especially when it came to wedding dress shopping. I decided on both my wedding gowns in just 30 minutes. I swear, it’s true! But that’s because I went in prepared. Right off the bat, I had in mind a few dresses I liked and wanted to use as inspiration for my gown. I had Pronovias, Ines di Santo, Marchesa, and Zuhair Murad bookmarked as my favorite bridal designers while researching before my appointment. I went into the store with a mission, and really didn’t consider the possibility of not finding a dress I loved. Plus, I made sure the place I was going to carried my preferred designers ahead of time, which was a big help to stay ahead of the game.

Here were some of my top picks for inspiration.

Obviously, I’m not saying you need to choose dresses like these, as they should be to your personal taste. But I am saying you should have a few options either printed out, saved to your phone, or bookmarked in your brain, and concrete reasons why you like them. That way, you know what elements to look for in other gowns. For example, I chose the Zuhair Murad dress on the left because I love the fuller skirt and heavy embellishment; I like the Marchesa one in the middle because the feathery light detail at the bottom of this dress is dreamy and ethereal; and I also love the Zuhair Murad dress on the right because I’m obsessed with the 20s feel of this gown and the embellished cape.

When it comes to wedding dress shopping, it is possible to get a dress on your first appointment and not spend hours in the store and have it be a miserable experience. Here are a few wedding dress shopping tips you should keep in mind, based on my personal experience, to make the whole wedding dress shopping process less stressful (and, dare I say, actually fun).

1. Do Your Homework

Like I said above, don’t show up to a boutique expecting people to read your mind. Have a Pinterest board ready to show your stylist. Even if you can’t verbalize what details you like, the stylist will be able to identify the common thread between the photos to make sure you’re happy with what she pulls for you to try on. (But it’s way easier if you do verbalize the details you like, as I did in my example above.)

2. Don’t Bring Too Many People

If you’re going wedding dress shopping, I’d advise you limit your guest count to 4-5 max if you have a hard time making decisions. The more people you bring, the more opinions you have that may sway you away from your vision. If you’re like me and don’t care what anyone else thinks, then bring your whole bridal party! I picked my dresses (yes, two) in 45 minutes TOPS. It can be done. 

3. Don’t Make The Process More Stressful Than It Needs To Be

Enjoy yourself! You’re getting married! This is fun! It can be a stressful time with all the detailed decisions and lifetime commitment and all, but make sure to enjoy this special bonding moment with your friends and the amazing multi-generational women in your family if you’re lucky enough to have them around!

4. Trust Your Gut

The best piece of advice I could give any future bride is to stick to your gut instinct. A women’s intuition is everything, so take a moment (or a day or a week) to decompress after your first time wedding gown shopping experience (if you need it), but don’t second guess your first instinct! Don’t doubt yourself. As sure as you know you want to marry your soon-to-be husband, you’ll know what the right dress for you is as soon as you see yourself in it!

And because I’m sure you’re all super curious about which dresses I went with, I’ve included them below.

Dress 1

Dress: Pronovias

I knew I wanted long sleeve lace for my main gown, meaning the gown I’d be married in and wear for our formal photos and first dance.

I love long sleeves on a bridal gown. To me, it’s just super chic, and the lace combination really added a romantic feel. Plus, there’s a traditional aspect to long sleeves on a wedding gown.  I didn’t want too much sheerness or anything corseted. I wanted to stick to a semi-traditional silhouette in that sense. 

Tip: What I didn’t realize was that even though I had a fall wedding, I definitely worked up a sweat taking photos and socializing the whole day. Had we gotten married in spring or summer, I probably would’ve gone the strapless route or worn an off the shoulder look.

Dress 2

Dress: Stephen Yearick

For the second dress, I went with the mermaid and fit and flare look. When going for a more fitted look like I did, I think as long as it’s done tastefully it can be as beautiful and timeless as a traditional bridal look. 

Tip: Balance is key! You don’t want to do fitted, sheer, cleavage, corsets, etc.—it’s just too much! As someone with big boobs, I didn’t want them to be exposed in either dress or to have too much sheerness along with a more fitted look so I went with a higher neckline.

Whether you’re buying one dress or two or five (hey, no judgment), it’s important to go into your appointment with a clear idea of what you like and don’t like. But above all, enjoy the process! You’ll only wear the dress once, so have fun with it.

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Images: Charisse Kenion / Unsplash; Michael Romeo Creations (2); Zuhair Murad (2); Marchesa

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Finale Recap: Did Jenn Fake A Robbery?

Hello all, it is officially our LAST Jerzday for a while because it is the Jersey Shore Family Vacation FINALE. This season has gone on so long, I can’t even believe it. What did I used to do on Thursdays? Did I have hopes, dreams perhaps? Did I have friends? I will find out next week when I’m no longer enslaved to MTV.

I wonder if this season has gone on so long because pretty much nothing interesting has happened. We open this episode in the middle of a crazy-ass fight between that one Fat Shamer guy that told Ronnie he has more money than him and his stripper girlfriend who hates Angelina. It’s like producers were like, “Oh finally, something happened! We can end the show now!”

Angelina is trying to attack the other girl, Jenni threw a drink on her, there is screaming, chairs being thrown, pregnant Deena ran away, it is total chaos. The stripper and the guy are outside of the bar after security moved them out and the girl starts attacking the guy! Ronnie is like, “oh I totally would have punched him, oh well,” as the guy’s own gf punched him in the face.

Ron: She had a great right hook!

Snooki is so pleased with herself, she’s like stuffing her face with chips and is like, “We can still throw down, don’t f*ck with us.” Pretty sure she hid behind Jenni for the whole fight but okay. Ronnie is also patting himself on the back for doing nothing, in fact he compares himself to Moses.

Ron: Yeah, everyone just followed me outside.
Snooki: Didn’t Moses break the water?
Ron: I’m very religious.
Angelina: Moses had all the animals on the boat.
Ron: That was Noah.
Angelina: Nicole, Moses wasn’t the one with the animals, he’s the one with the-
Snooki: That’s Adam and Eve.
Ron: Moses parted the Red Sea, but I’m 95% sure that Jesus came first. Well Adam and Eve came, then Jesus-
Snooki: I love Jesus.

This has been Bible Study, Jerzday edition. I just lost a few brain cells. Vinny has had enough. It’s 4am and the Spiral Squad has irritated him to the point of getting out of bed.

Angelina: Adam and Eve banged to make more people, then Moses parted the sea, so Noah built the ark for animals, and Jesus rode on the boat.

Oh my God, you think this can’t get any dumber, but this is when Snooki informs Ang that Jesus flew in. Probably on Spirit Airlines, according to Ron. Oh hey, I just got that. Angelina is now describing how she loves to use the bathroom on airplanes and she’s pretty sure that her, um, excrement, flies off the plane and hits pedestrians in the face. I swear to God, I’m getting dumber watching this show. RIP to my last two brain cells. It’s been nice knowing ya.

“The gang is going to some kind of blood foundation fundraiser thing with Deena and her family since her dad died of leukemia. They’re all like, “what a perfect end to our trip,” and I’m over here like, “huh that sounds super f*cking boring to watch.” I’m all for charity but like, they could have done this on their own time. I want to watch them get hammered and fight—that’s all I expect from these people.

They’re all talking about who’s coming to the charity event and it leads to how Angelina’s sex life is garbage, which naturally leads to chanting “Angelina Hasn’t Gotten Plowed In A Long Time” in a cult-like fashion. This causes Vinny to get all riled up and he jumps on top of Angelina and begins to hump her. Wtf, Vinny, this might be why she thinks you want to f*ck her. Someone hose him off! He’s like one of my mom’s Yorkies. Calm yourself, man!

Ang is concerned the roommates will sing their fun new song to Chris (aka Thumb Thumb), but like, maybe don’t sh*t on your sex life to other people (and hi, on TV) if you don’t want it to get back to him?

Ronnie gets on his phone and rushes outside. What happened now? Who did Jen f*ck? Oh sh*t, Jen was robbed. I also learned via subtitles saying that Jen is on the phone that Jen is really “Jenn”. Of course that’s how she spells it. Okay, sorry, I won’t make fun of her rn, she was robbed!

Some guy came in through the back door while she and the baby were home and ransacked the place. That is soooo scary. This is why people need dogs. Well like, one of a million reasons. It’s like, reason one: cute, reason two: cuddly, reason three: break-ins.

Pauly thinks Jen, sorry, JENN is lying to talk to Ronnie. Jenn is staying in the house despite the break-in and Ron is like, “that makes no sense,” which fair point. Then Ron says that Jenn found a bag of bullets in the backyard? Ooookay, that is sounding pretty fake. Why would the robber just leave those? Also don’t most robbers watch the house first? Like, they know if someone is home. I watch a lot of true crime, I’m basically an expert here. So we have to ask ourselves: is Jenn that crazy? And you know what? She totally is!

Mike: I’m befuddled if that’s a word.

It’s totally a word. I’m mildly impressed he knows that. Okay wait. Here’s the tea. So Jenn moved out of Ronnie’s house. Then a DAY LATER she gets robbed at her house. The robber left a box of bullets on the Jacuzzi. Is he the worst robber ever? This house has been abandoned for months, and now is the time to rob it, when they’re clearly back living in it? So Ronnie told Jen to please go back to his house so she’s *safe*.

Vinny is like, “I don’t want to be insensitive, but it sounds weird,” and Pauly shuts that down and is like, “none of this sh*t happened, it’s a big fat lie, Jenn’s a lying liar.” And Vin is all, “oh cool, I didn’t have to say it.” And Pauly’s like, “no robber would leave a box of bullets, like I rob houses for a living.” The girls want to know what was taken. Apparently all that is stolen is a phone and a laptop. To which they’re like, “why would anyone break into a house to steal a phone?” Solid point. Also phones can be tracked.

The guys think this is so on brand for Jenn that they can’t even react seriously about it and are more concerned with whether Ron wants to come with them for a haircut. This doesn’t even make the list of Jenn’s Greatest Hits, which according to the guys, are as follows:

The girls think it either is a complete lie or she had one of her friends do it. It’s only a matter of time before Ron gets sucked back into this sham of a relationship.

Vin: There was Taken 1. Then Taken 2. Then Taken 3. Now there is… Taken Ronnie.

Ronnie thinks the robbers stole her phone so she couldn’t call for help… but that’s like, the only thing they took. Deena tells him his life is a bad movie, and Ron is like, “no, it’s a television show. “Then he breaks the fourth wall and looks directly into the camera. I don’t appreciate Ron looking at me, make him stop it. And Deena is like, “NO RON, it’s a BAD movie.”

The guys go to lunch with Ron and try to tell him that this robbery is clearly a lie. Mike tells him it’s just very unlikely to have a home invasion and get run over by a car in the same month. I don’t know the stats on that, but I cannot believe this has only been a month in Jersey time. So we’ve seen like their every waking moment then for a month for this season? Pauly straight-up tells him that this a story “conjured up”. Ronnie is like, “Jenn wouldn’t do that.”

Anyone who’s witnessed even 10 seconds of Jenn’s actions:

Are you serious

Vinny: I dated this girl who had asthma and every time I tried to break up with her she’d give herself an asthma attack and send herself to the hospital.

I feel personally attacked rn. Ronnie doesn’t think she’d make that up with the baby around, but I think that’s all the more reason she would do it. She’s holding it over him to really freak him out and make him obsess over her and the baby.

Deena thinks if it was her, she would immediately fly home and make sure her kid is okay, which like, good point. But also this is Jenn’s plan! Like in normal circumstances, that is 100% what he should do, but she is doing this to get him to freak out and go home.

They all get ready and go to the fundraiser. They arrange conga line style and Pauly orchestrates them with his megaphone to chant their Angelina song while they fist pump out the door. Except now it sounds like Angelina-Ain’t-Got-Pounded-Out-In-A-Long-Time. Is that what they were always saying? Did I accidentally correct their grammar in my head because my poor, fragile ears could not take it? Angelina is joyously chanting along, because “it’s true”.

The back of Vin’s shirt says Keto Guido, which makes this maybe his 11th shirt that is Keto-related. Pauly’s says Prank War Champion. I can’t see anyone else’s yet. The event is for Be The Match and they encourage people to donate cash and sign up to see if they’re a possible donor for the database, which is pretty cool. Danny shows up and made all the shirts for the event. Everyone’s families show up. Ron’s giving away Won Won Juice. Then Ang’s fiancé shows up and Vinny gets super jealous and is all, “no it’s not awkward, everything’s cool,” and then decides to organize everyone to do the Angelina chant on stage in front of  said fiancé. That’s just cruel.

Yeah Vin, you’re definitely not trying to ruin their relationship. Pauly starts DJ-ing.  Vin is hosting the live auction and gets everyone up on stage. Ron’s shirt says Spiral Squad. The first auction item: Touch Pauly D’s blowout. Some chick straightup pays $875 to touch his hair. Where do these thots get so much spending money?

Next item: Take a shot with Snooki. Are they aware they can just hang around any bar in Jersey and do this for free? According to Snooks, she’s now a “floor-amplithist”. So many people bid on this that Snooki has to take like 9 shots which is 100% how she will die of alcohol poisoning. She’s a tiny thing, she weighs like 11 pounds. Vinny calls her a work of art (but when I take 9 shots in a row I’m “bordering on alcoholism”… ok). Snooks does it and raises $2,400.

Jenni’s contribution is to dance with someone. She raises $840. Angelina has a trash bag race and gets $725. Ronnie arm wrestles for $900, Mike has a meatball eating contest for $1,200. Like wtf Mike, you could have paid your taxes if you knew this was what the people wanted.

You might think that Vinny is so involved with raising money for a great cause that he forgets he’s a petty, petty bitch. You would be wrong. Because that’s when Vinny decides to broadcast via microphone to everyone that Angelina’s sex life sucks.

Jenni:  might as well go on to her fourth engagement because this isn’t going to last after that song.

Vinny then coerces the crowd into a chant directly to Chris that ANGELINA-AIN’T-GOT-POUNDED-OUT-IN-A-LONG-TIME. Chris looks humiliated and Vinny is super pleased with himself. They raised $40,145, which is crazy but also awesome.

They’re all like, everything is sunshine and rainbows, we’re ending on a high note, blah blah blah. This is boring af. And then it just ends. They finish the episode with “in memory of” Deena’s father and Vin’s uncle and it’s all just a bit too WHOLESOME for me. But like, good for you guys.

And just like that we’re free of the horrors of the Jersey Shore for probably like three weeks before it starts again because MTV does not want us to be free. Let me know what you thought of this season in the comments, and if you’ll be back for season 3! Now if you need me I’m going to pound shots.

Images: Giphy; MTV

Mike The Situation Is Going To Prison

Gym, tan… do you do your own laundry in prison? Guess Mike The Situation is about to find out, because he was sentenced to 8 months in prison on Friday afternoon. This comes after he plead guilty for tax fraud in January. Following his eight months in prison, he will also be on two years of supervised release.

Honestly, eight months in prison doesn’t even sound that bad, and it seems like Mike The Situation got off relatively easy—at least compared to his brother Marc, who was sentenced to two years. Honestly, that’s STILL not even that bad, considering the two were charged with multiple tax offenses related to $9 million in income. NINE. MILLION. DOLLARS. IN INCOME. That they just didn’t pay taxes on?? That’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see how it plays out fo—oh, wait. It clearly didn’t play out too well for either of them. Consider this a friendly PSA to pay your taxes.

Luckily for Mike, the second season of Jersey Shore Family Vacation already finished filming, and in fact, is almost done airing, so this shouldn’t really affect his rigorous schedule of eating 16 full meals a day on camera. I mean, at least prison food and mandated exercise time should help him lose weight before the wedding?

I personally can’t wait to see how the third season of Jersey Shore handles this. I would so love a Scared Straight crossover with Mike The Situation. And like, I would die to see Pauly D roll up to a prison yelling “YEAAAAA BUDDY! AW YEA CAVITY SEARCH YEA!!”

Suddenly, I have never wanted anything more in my entire life. MTV, make it happen.

Image: MTV

I Hung Out With The ‘Jersey Shore’ Cast & They Spilled The Tea

I was lucky enough to go hangout with the cast of Jersey Shore last week at the premiere party for their new show Jersey Shore: Family Vacation. The red carpet was actually a leopard carpet, which let’s be real, it was a leopard rug. But the stars of the evening were the most surprising of all—only about half the cast had the same face as they did 10 years ago. Guys, Botox is not for the weak.

Snooki showed up wearing what I assumed were children’s pajamas, and when asked about her outfit she legit went, “It’s PAJAMAS!”

Snooki Jersey Shore Family Reunion

Snooks said they partied super hard in this show, regardless of them being parents and older. Being away from your kids is definitely a reason to celebrate, but Snooki said that both she and Jenni had “mom guilt” from leaving their kids for so long. The main difference in their partying now, however, is that while they drink just as much as before, their hangovers are now three-day events. Same.

Snooki also that she was getting worried about her kids knowing ~things~ about her. Just that day, she went to the grocery store and someone screamed out “Snooki!” at her. Her son asked what a Snooki was, and she replied, “That’s mommy’s job.” I mean, she’s not wrong. She decided that she was going to tell her kids that she’s an actress, “which I’m not,” and that the show is scripted, “which it’s not,” until they figure out it’s true for themselves. I guarantee her kids will be exactly like her, so I doubt they will be surprised.

The cast seems to have done pretty well for themselves since the OG Jersey Shore ended 6(!) years ago. And that even includes Mike “The Situation”, who they all absolutely raved about.

Mike told me that he’s been sober for 28 months now and works at a rehab facility in Jersey as a speaker and does events with them. He also said that he’ll find out what’s going to happen with his potential prison sentence in the next month or so. He was so nice I actually felt bad for him, which is saying A LOT, considering what a tool he was on the original show. But, according to the rest of the cast, Mike has done a total turnaround since being sober and made up for his past. JWoww (who is so fucking skinny and has boobs bigger than my face) even said they now call him The Inspiration instead of The Situation, which she said so sweetly, I almost gagged.

Mike The Situation Sorrentino

Ronnie kinda hid from us, but we asked the rest of the cast about Sammi not coming for Family Vacation, and they all had the same answer: they want her back so badly, but she said no. Honestly, I can’t blame her. Her relationship with Ronnie was borderline abusive, and I’d be over that shit too.

The new show is already renewed for season 2, and it hasn’t even premiered yet—that should tell you how good Jersey Shore: Family Vacation will be. The entire cast seemed so excited to be back in the limelight, and I can’t blame them because really, what are any of them going to do outside of this?

The actual party to celebrate the premiere was fun with an open bar and a whole slew of Bachelor rejects. The Chad himself was there with a tiny blonde girl dressed like Britney in a music video. He was hanging out with Ronnie quite a bit, and like, of COURSE they would get along.

I talked to Ashley I. and Jared for a while, and they were both super cool, still best friends, and assured me that neither of them were going to Paradise this year. Boooooooooo. Is it even Bachelor in Paradise without Ashley I.’s tears?

Ashley also said she’s totally over Kevin and when I said, “fuck that guy,” she was like, “no he’s fine, it just didn’t work out,” which was v mature, Ash.

Alexis and DLo were hanging out, also both dating people, also no-go’s for Paradise. If this season doesn’t have someone doing hilarious commentary, I will personally blame Alexis for this.

The Jersey Shore cast had a great time drinking Champagne and dancing like we were all back at Karma. You can catch the premiere of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation tonight on MTV at 8pm/7pm central. Aww yea!

Images: Courtesy of MTV (2) Author (1); Giphy (2)

Mike ‘The Situation’ Could Be Going To Prison

You might not think your 2018 is off to a great start, but it could be worse. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will plead guilty to tax fraud today, which means he could face up to 15 years in prison. Damn, guess we’re not chillin’ at the shore anymore, shit just got real.

Mike and his brother Marc (those names are too similar for brothers, but whatever) are both pleading guilty for failing to pay correct taxes on $8.9 million of income between 2010 and 2012. That indictment came in 2014, and then last year they were additionally charged with tax evasion, as well as structuring and falsifying records. Sounds like it’s not a great…situation. I’m so sorry, I had to do it.

We have to admit, the idea that a guy who gets famous on an MTV reality show where he calls himself “The Situation” would do some shady illegal shit is really 0% surprising. Vinny and the rest of the gang always just seemed too dumb to do any real harm, but Mike had just enough brain cells to think he could mastermind some big tax evasion scheme. Too bad he wasn’t smart enough to actually pull it off.

Mike is still saying he plans to be a part of the upcoming Jersey Shore Family Vacation reboot, which doesn’t have an air date yet but is supposed to be coming out sometime this year. We’re sure he would bring some great drama to the reunion, but we’re less sure that his judge is going to be cool with him leaving prison to go film a reality show.

We’re not sure how Mike is going to do in prison, but honestly none of the other inmates will probably know who he is. He’ll probably get to do lots of laundry, and there might be a gym, but he definitely won’t be able to keep up with his strict tanning regimen. Send him some positive vibes in this tough time, because the world really isn’t ready for a pale Situation.

Read: The 12 Best Things To Ever Happen On ‘Jersey Shore’