On a scale of 1 to Jennifer Aniston’s nipples in every episode of Friends, how excited are you for season 7 of Vanderpump Rules? The show hasn’t even aired a trailer for the upcoming season, but they’re clearly filming their juiciest episodes yet. How do we know this? Their social media drama, of course! Social media is an echo chamber of narcissism, debauchery, and bullsh*t, so obviously it’s where attention whores who have no other creative outlet or means to find contentment or validation reign king. Here’s the lowdown on the juiciest Vanderpump Rules social media drama this summer.
Lala Kent’s Following List
Lala Kent is the realest b*tch on the show. Well, not externally, because she’s pumped full of silicone and fillers. But as your middle school guidance counselor said, “It’s what’s on the inside that counts.” Not that you listened to her, because she wore adult braces and bought clothes from Talbots, but it totally applies here. Anyway, Lala is very selective with who she follows, so her following list on Instagram is always a good go-to to see what’s up. Who is she following? Logan Noh, who spread rumors that he had a gay affair with James Kennedy, with whom Lala is not on good terms at the moment. The enemy of your enemy is your ride-or-die, right?
But who isn’t she following? First off, her own fiancé. And he doesn’t follow her back. How very Justin Bieber of him. But she legit did that to keep him under wraps and the cat’s kinda out of the bag because he proposed to her and gave her an engagement ring so big you can see it from the 405. Even more interesting, though? She’s not following Billie Lee anymore, who she was buddy-buddy with last season. We’ll get to that in a moment.
Chrissy Teigen’s Tweets
Chrissy Teigen is known for being pretty candid on Twitter as much as she’s known for being obsessed with Vanderpump Rules, so it was juicy AF when she told all 10 million of her followers that there’s a couple of “Vanderpumpers” she does NOT like.
For the record, any interaction I’ve had with kim or nene has been delightful. And hilarious. All the housewives, really. There was only one vanderpumper that needed a good push back down to earth
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 24, 2018
Who could that “Vanderpumper” be? My money’s on Scheana because…well, I’m mature enough to admit I’m immature enough to be biased and I just do not like her. But whatever. No personal questions, please.
Jax Taylor’s Instagram Freakout
Jax Taylor is prone to a lot of social media hate, and he is quicker with the block button than Jonathan Cheban is. But he rarely goes on social media rants. For example, he could’ve easily stuck up for his now-fiancée Brittany when she was being body-shamed, but he didn’t. He could’ve stuck up for James Kennedy after he threw James under the bus and made up a rumor that he cheated on Raquel with Kristen, but he didn’t. So he decided to pick a really weird hill to die on: when someone told him that they hoped his dog gets run over by a car. Whoa. Way harsh, Tai.
Look, as any sorority girl would tweet, “I honestly love dogs more than boys,” and that’s true. Dogs being better than humans is an incontrovertible truth. But Jax throwing a sorority girl level fit on social media is just kinda weird. Like, you’ll let people insult you and your friends on the regular, but this is where you draw the line? I guess Lisa’s Vanderpump Dogs foundation has been really making an impact on Jax.
Billie Lee’s Feud With The Entire ‘VPR’ Cast
Okay, so last season was one big competition to see who could be the most vocal about how inspiring and wonderful Billie Lee is. And it’s true—her journey is incredible. But this summer the claws finally came out on social media. And it’s about damn time, because science shows that the amount of inspirational quotes you post on social media is directly proportional to how ridiculous you are in real life. Okay, that study hasn’t happened yet, but I’m currently crowdsourcing the funding for it, so hit me up in the comments. But for real, science has already proven that those gym selfies you take may make you a narcissist, so it’s only a matter of time before Harvard gets on studying inspirational quotes too.
Anyway, Billie Lee first caught our eye on Instagram when she called everyone out about being excluded in the planning of SUR ladies’ night, and wasn’t tagged in a picture promoting the event. Stassi and Tom called her melodramatic, and since it’s Vanderpump Rules, this was only the beginning. A few weeks later, Billie posted an Instagram about hosting a brunch with James Kennedy and threw some shade at some of her SUR family, most of whom were off partying in Mexico.
Billie Lee and the whole gang still follow each other after the tiff over ladies’ night, but interestingly enough, she and Lala don’t follow each other. Could she be the rotten egg Billie Lee was throwing shade at?
Kristen Doute Calling Corinne Olympios Satanic
Look, in terms of star quality, Doute’s gone downhill. She’s no longer Crazy Kristen, and she doesn’t deliver when it comes to quotes that I can use in reaction gifs, my Hinge bio, or on my tombstone. And Corinne hasn’t really been delivering either in those departments since her Bachelor days. A Doute vs. Olympios brawl is very interesting me to me, and also very necessary for their careers. So it was deliciously dramatic when Kristen dropped this gem on her Instagram story:
Corinne has yet to respond, but I have been waiting with bated breath for the story behind this. Kristen, please deliver!
Adam Firing Shots At “Haters”
Okay, so we were wrong: Scheana and Robby Hayes weren’t dating. It was probably just a publicity stunt. But we were right about Adam and Scheana hooking up! Looks like Scheana has a type: guys that are so vain that they probably FaceTune their own d*ck pics. Much like Billie Lee, Adam really didn’t deliver on the drama last season. He was literally used as a prop. So Adam followed in Billie Lee’s footsteps and decided to start sh*t on Instagram. And he decided to do it with a pic of Scheana with a caption that was a sophomoric attempt at shade.
Adam is really taking a page out of Taylor Swift’s playbook here, thinking that acknowledging that you know the criticisms people are leveling at you amounts to any sort of real response or ownership of your actions. It doesn’t, so take your fingers off the caps lock, k?
Shay Firing Shots At Scheana
Finally! Some fire from Shay! It’s always fun to get some new blood in the mix. You probably remember Shay from the first few seasons of Pump Rules. If you don’t remember him, I forgive you because he was pretty forgettable. His silent demeanor was often eclipsed by Scheana being…well, Scheana. During the reunion, Scheana was weirdly singing Shay’s praises after airing him and his personal problems out for ratings (and attention). She said Rob was quick to break up with her because of the show, while Shay stuck by her. Aww, so sweet. Does that mean they’ve kissed and made up?
Oops, guess not.
Long story short, this season is going to be amazing. Buckle up, betches.
We start the reunion with Andy asking Stassi if she’s dating anyone, of fucking course. Is there like a clause in Stassi’s contract that she has to talk about her relationship status for a minimum of 1,500 times on camera or something?
Andy brings up Katie basically blaming Tom and Ariana for all her fights with Schwartz.
Katie: I just wanted harmony. I didn’t want to be a tyrant or a bridezilla.
That’s funny, I also get blackout and insult people when I’m trying to have harmony and not be a bridezilla.
They also bring up Jax’s apology to Stassi because if we don’t mention Jax and Stassi’s past relationship at least 46 times per season there will be a problem. Jax says he’s “a better person since he’s been dating Brittany”—classic fuckboy move. Guess I’ll have to believe it when I see it—so like, when their spinoff airs.
Sandoval is like to the girls “the entire summer you were coddling Katie and literally licking her asshole” and the group is like “c’mon dude.” Because I guess rim job imagery is where we draw the line.
Andy is like “and the bachelor/bachelorette party was where Kristen decided it would be the perfect place to confront a wasted Schwartz about the cheating in Vegas rumors.” And Kristen’s like “Yeah well they were forced to talk about it, so clearly it was a great plan.”
Oh god we’re still on this Vegas Girl thing. Schwartz is like “well conveniently for me I don’t remember but I can say with 100% confidence that we didn’t have sex.” So basically, we’ll never get to the bottom of this. Honestly, you all gotta take it to the grave and find something new to fight about for season six. #OverIt
Andy brings up the $51K wedding and he’s like “Katie, don’t you think you knew the wedding was going to cost a million dollars and you should have told Schwartz?” Katie’s like “Well he told me just to hand him the bill at the end and not say anything.” Which goes against literally every time we saw Schwartz on camera being like “How much is this gonna cost? $31,000 and my left nut? Bubbaaaaa!”
Lisa: There’s nothing about the wedding that was conventional.
…She says about your average hipster rustic woods wedding.
Honestly I’m just not recapping any of the wedding talk. I will not participate in this circle-jerk to give Katie’s wedding more publicity than it already has gotten. We all saw it like, three weeks ago—there is literally no need to rehash the same shit.
Andy noticed Sandoval crying into the dog though. I’m glad we all noticed that. LMAO.
Andy: Sandoval you basically proposed to Ariana at the wedding.
Ariana: So tacky.
Ouch. Someone get Sandoval some aloe vera.
Andy: You know what I like about you? You have so many feelings.
Sandoval:
Ariana is me, freaking tf out when anyone expresses love or emotion towards her.
Andy: Kristen did you have good intentions about coming to James’ performance?
Kristen: Oh heelllll no.
Seriously, why does anybody put up with Kristen? At least when I do shit just to stir the pot I act like I had other intentions. I’m not convinced Carter is a real person.
James: You don’t come up to the one and only James Kennedy at my performance.
“The one and only James Kennedy”.
James: Kristen when we were together all you would do is praise my performances!
Yeah because that’s what girlfriends do… they praise your shitty performances and act like your Soundcloud page is the greatest thing to happen to music.
The moment we’ve all been waiting three weeks for… Scheana and Shay’s reunion is about to happen. God, I am such a terrible person.
Scheana doesn’t even have Shay’s phone number. A level of savage to which I aspire.
Andy announced that Shay is coming and look I’m living for the drama but also this is so fucked and I feel guilty. Like, it’s really twisted to exploit this couple’s divorce for ratings. Will I give them those desired ratings? Hell yes.
Scheana: I’m too sober for this.
Same, girl.
Scheana sees Shay walk in and the first thing out of her mouth is “he got a haircut, finally.” Real nice.
Andy: We’re back at the VPR reunion and Mike Shay has joined us.
Audience: *crickets*
Andy: Scheana, all season long you said “Shay’s at the studio”… our tests have determined that to be a lie.
Shay explains his multi-day absence like “Scheana went from texting me asking if I was ok to accusing me of going on a binge” aka “I couldn’t come home because Scheana was onto me.”
Scheana: So there wasn’t a friend you were texting to and buying pills from?
Shay: *long pause* You’re crazy.
FUCK SHAY 2K17. Gaslighting in action, so fun!
Shay claims he was withdrawing money for “his business.”
Everyone with half a brain:
Shay says Scheana never listens to him and Andy’s like “Ya that’s true he’s said it on the show a bunch of times.”
Andy: BTW what is your business?
Shay: Dat Dope Group it’s a music group we’re official we have a studio and everything.
Dat. Dope. Group. I’m gonna let that sink in while I contemplate my will to live. He claims they are opening for Bone Thugs-N-Harmony but they only have 169 followers on Twitter… seems suspect. I know Bone Thugs have been around for a minute but I don’t think they’re at the point where they let anybody with a reality show gig and a Soundcloud roll through. Or am I wrong?
Ariana’s like “Shay, why don’t you ever speak, tell us what was wrong.”
Shay: *5 minutes of silence*
Me:
Shay: We definitely grew apart, I couldn’t do the lifestyle anymore. I quit drinking for a year but you still expected me to go out. And you just chose going out over me.
Well that’s real, and I’m gonna be honest, accurate.
Andy: Scheana when did the relationship start to go south?
Scheana: 3 months into the marriage.
Well.
Ok so Shay was texting another girl and apparently she lived across the country and she was texting him shit like about him being on top of her. In other words: cheating.
Shay is like “Maybe the texts were inappropriate”… no dude. We crossed the line from “inappropriate” into “Emotional Cheatingville” the second the words “you on top of me” happened.
Scheana while all this is going on: *doing her hair and makeup obsessively*
Andy and Lisa: Girl WTF are you doing, stop doing your hair rn.
Scheana: I can’t!
Also me.
Scheana is still bringing up the Brandi thing to try and get sympathy, which I am not having. You chose that life. You don’t get to bring it up like what, three years later to try and get pity points? Scheana also went and told Lisa about the pills on camera just to fuck Shay over. That’s fucked. (*whispers* says the girl who regularly calls out guys who wrong her on dating apps via articles written on this site…)
Shay: You labeled me and now I’m a druggie.
Scheana: Yeah and I’m a homewrecking whore.
Yeah but honestly Scheana…too fucking bad. You chose that life. As far as I can tell there isn’t a gene that makes you more susceptible to fucking other people’s husbands.
Andy: Shay when you read online Scheana has a new bf what does that do to your heart?
Shay: It’s unfortunate, you having a new bf is very quick. IDK who he is.
Scheana: You follow him on Instagram.
Shay: Who?
Scheana: Rob.
Shay: That’s the guy you’re dating?
Scheana: Yep.
Shay: Hm. Interesting. *makes mental note to add name to his To Kill list*
Me watching this exchange go down:
Shay: I’ll always love you, if you ever needed something I’d be there, but at this point I’m over our relationship and coming here was a lot harder than I thought it would be but I’m glad I did.
Andy: Scheana, does it give you any closure or peace to hear him say that?
Scheana: Yeah … From what I hear from other people you seem to be very happy and I’m in a very happy place so I’m happy for you.
Inner Scheana, probably: I hope you fucking choke.
Schwartz: It’s an incredible tragedy but I feel like you guys are gonna be way happier individually than you were together.
Like, I would not call their doomed marriage ending in divorce an “incredible tragedy” but sure, if you wanna be melodramatic.
Ending on a less horrible note, Andy brings up the Tom Tom thing which I honestly forgot even happened. Sandoval starts crying, of fucking course.
So nothing happened even though Schwartz doesn’t want to do it because he’s being a pussy. Will this restaurant ever see the light of day? Will they get their own spin-off? Holy fuck. I think I’m onto something.
And Peter gets to make his final appearance of the season by serving everyone cocktails. Well that was fun, see you all next season. Hoping there is a next season. Ugh and I guess over the summer for Jax and Brittany’s spin-off? I can pretend like I’m too good for that show but we all know I’ll be back.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. That’s what lame cliché people say on the last night of camp, right? Well that’s how I felt on Monday watching the Vanderpump Rules finale. That is, until I remembered that season finales mean it’s reunion time, which is the greatest addition to reality TV since the dawn of fucking time. It’s pretty much just rehashing the same shit you got over months ago—except now, you get to see all the shit they talked behind each others’ backs all season. Bravo, Andy Cohen. Pun intended. Anyway, because we’re impatient af and ready for this shit show to get going already, we made some predictions for what’s going to go down. Bet you my trust fund we’re right about everything.
1. Tom & Katie Will Act Like Everything Is Perfect
Tom and Katie will do whatever it takes to try and convince us they’re living in marital bliss. This will also be complete and total bullshit. They’ll talk about how they’re soul mates and how after the wedding the stress was just washed away and they’ve been eating Maggiano’s and watching Netfix as husband and wife Bubbas ever since. But in reality Katie still thinks Tom cheated on her Vegas and thinks his dick doesn’t work (except in Vegas I guess), while he still refuses to get a job and resents Katie for spending $50 grand on a wedding when they’re like, kinda povo.
2. Scheana Will Have A Full-On Meltdown When Shay Comes In
It’s no secret that I think Scheana is the fucking worst. Anyone who won’t take a green tea shot on a girls’ trip to the Hamptons because she’s got a big workout in the morning is gonna get a no from me, dawg. Everyone knows green tea has a shit ton of antioxidants, therefore it’s healthy even in shot form. But anyway, because of Scheana’s being terrible, I’m convinced there’s more to this breakup than just “Shay sucks and Scheana is a victim.” I mean, she did try and force feed him 10 cocktails at their anniversary dinner after she found out he had an addiction problem. She’s terrible. We know Shay is making an appearance, which (hopefully) means that he’s actually going to speak for once. I’m planning on Shay serving up some truth tea.
3. Stassi Will Bitch & Moan About Being The Only Single One
Katie’s married, Lala is probs still “banging” that married dude, then there’s Ariana and Sandoval, Brittany and Jax, Kristen and Carter. Sheana who JUST got fucking divorced is dating someone already. Hell, even James “Fuckboy of the Century” Kennedy has a girlfriend rn. All this to say, there’s going to be at least three awkward jokes, two legit sobs and one therapy session starring little bro Nicolai regarding Stassi’s singleness. Stassi, you’ve been single for like, what, 21 weeks? Talk to me in 2 years.
4. Scheana Will Swear She Hasn’t Gotten Any Plastic Surgery
She’ll claim that she just lost weight and completely changed the structure of the bones in her face through exercise and diet. This too is complete and total bullshit. I’m sorry, but your face doesn’t morph into a legit spear from hitting the treadmill a few times a week. It just doesn’t. If that were possible, Kylie Jenner would have been all over it long ago. This part of the reunion will also be the part where I, and I highly recommend you as well, fast forward take a break to refill your wine.
5. Andy Cohen & Lisa Vanderpump Will Judge The Shit Out Of Everyone (And We Will Be Living For It)
This is a given. When you put a television genius and a legendary betch in the same room with morally corrupt, 30-something-year-old people who pretend to waitress and bartend for a living, there’s bound to be some shade thrown. Here’s hoping it results in some fire LVP gifs because my arsenal is running a little low these days. My money is that Andy will give some appropriately directed side-eye and Lisa will call Jax a dog at least three times before the reunion is over.
6. Ariana & Tom Will Get Badgered About Getting Married
She’s going to awkwardly dodge the question and he is going to pretend he doesn’t care when in reality he cares a lot. We will probably see a few (hundred) tears from the Sandoval camp. Now that one VPR couple is married (Scheana and Shay never counted because he’s not a real cast member) there’s gonna be a big push for another one to get married in the next couple seasons so the show can stay on the air. Jax is a no-go, and the entire planet couldn’t give less fucks about Kristen and Carter so the only viable option is Sandoval and Ariana. She doesn’t want to AT ALL, but he is thirsty af to marry her so expect it to get weird.
7. Scheana Will Try To Convince Us That It Was Totally Different When She Fucked A Married Guy
Tbh, I’m not 100% sure this will happen but I’m hoping to will it into existence by writing it down. Every time I watched Scheana talk shit about Lala allegedly dating a married guy I wanted to fucking scream. “That was only okay when I did it” — Janis Ian re: calling Damian “too gay to function” and Scheana Shay when justifying her affair with a married man, probably. Like, how is no one gonna point out the obvious here, except the writer who does our recaps? Scheana did the exact same fucking thing. I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS. I would have thought that if anything, Lala and Scheana would be BFF’s and swap like, tips on keeping secrets from people’s wives. I’m banking on some bored middle-aged woman from Oklahoma sending in a question about this or else I’m fucking done. Until next season, obv.
8. Brittany Will Trip Over Her Words
What will it be this time? “Misogyny”? “More Worse?” “Emotional Intelligence”? I know watching Brittany attempt to master the English language will give me a much-needed ego boost, I’m just not sure how exactly.
9. Lala Will Bring Up Her Anxiety
Again. And try to throw herself a little pity party onstage. I have a feeling she’ll try to justify her shady relationship with her anxiety. “You guys just don’t know what it’s like,” she’ll probably screech. Predictably, nobody will buy it.
10. Lala Will Continue To Deny That She’s Fucking A Married Guy
Despite the fact that literally all of us know that Lala’s fucking a married guy and we even know what his name is, she’ll probably continue to deny this no matter how much evidence points to the contrary. Like, Andy could play her sex tape at the reunion and she’d still sit there and deny it. I’m looking forward to the mental gymnastics she’ll try to pull in order to get out of this.
