Hey girl, wanna quarantine & chill? Welp, hope so, because you don’t have much choice. Trump has urged Americans to limit gatherings to 10 people or less. Quarantining ourselves will help keep COVID-19 from spreading, and it’s especially important for young people to take on this responsibility, as we are often carriers who can spread the virus unknowingly to elders or people with other health conditions, who are more likely to experience serious effects from the disease.
While some of us are working from home, and many of us are stuck without work or paid time off (send love and cash to any service workers/independent contractors you can!), most politicians are still out in these streets. I guess they have a duty to fulfill in these dark times…let’s see if they can rise to the occasion.
But since we’re home, we’ve decided to spend some time coming up with how some of our most beloved and most despised politicians would spend their quarantine & chill time. Let the games begin!
Bernie Sanders
Bernie is going to take this time to get set up on the Youtube so he can continue making videos once again asking for us for our financial support. His wife, Jane, will be his videographer, and they will go widely unseen since Bernie doesn’t realize it’s all about the TikTok at this point. He will ignore Hulu’s repeated recommendation that he stream “Hillary.”
Bernie will also, of course, take this time to really lean into his bedhead and socially distance himself from any type of hairbrush or comb. Jane supports him in this journey because their love is pure.
Elizabeth Warren
Liz will be damned if this quarantine stops her from being productive. She’s color-coding her closet, reorganizing the food pantry, doing her friend’s taxes, and making spreadsheets simply for the fun of it.
If she, her husband, and Bailey want to watch a movie? You bet your sweet ass Liz has made a PowerPoint presentation breaking down which options are best and why.
Liz will, of course, continue coming up with bulletproof political plans that will go underappreciated by the American public.
Mike Pence
Things are finally as God intended: Pence is at home with Mother, away from any other nasty woman’s presence.
Here, Mother can provide Pence with the 8 glasses of warm, whole milk he requires per day, while she reads him the Hyde Amendment (the legislative provision barring the use of federal funds to pay for abortion) out loud to soothe him. All is well.
Mitch McConnell
Mitch McConnell will treat social distancing the same way he treats his time on Capitol hill: by ignoring the many bills currently on his desk that could literally save lives. He and his wife, Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao, will further map their path to corrupt the federal entire government until McConnell is exposed to the virus, after which he will retreat back into his shell to self-quarantine for 14 days.
Joe Biden
Tbh who fucking knows, but I can confidently predict he would go on live TV and say something like, “I spent my quarantine time like I did every Christmas as a kid: riding my tractor down to the graveyard to have chicken fights with Ol’ Man Popsicle Stick, who, have you me, under many things, as they say, would not, on account of, you know, the thing.”
AOC
No amount of social distancing can stop this content queen from setting Twitter ablaze with her hot takes. Anyone with a bad take is getting retweeted WITH comment and dragged to clap back hell.
No internet troll is safe. No conservative commentator can hide. She’s coming for you.
Susan Collins
Hopefully sitting in a corner and thinking about what she’s done. And then regretting it.
That’s all I’ll say on that.
Brett Kavanaugh
Speaking of Susan Collins…
You just KNOW Brett is the guy who is going out to crowded bars and getting blackout, even after we’ve been told to socially distance ourselves.
Nothing can stop him from going out with his boys Tobin, Squi, and P.J.!!! Time to chug some beers and FSU because this is AMERICA and no one can tell him no (and if they do it will not compute).
RBG
A GoFundMe has been put together to provide RBG with a glass box, a la the one Joe locks his victims in in You, but obviously less creepy and fully equipped with everything Ruth needs for her daily workouts.
Food and water will be brought to RBG by a person in a hazmat suit, who will deliver it through a small opening in the box. Again, much like Joe from You, but with the intent to keep this woman tf alive, not to kill her. She is routinely let out so she can be measured for the top-secret, Bloomberg-funded RBG clone that we are definitely not making.
Cory Booker
Cory Booker gets to spend his quarantine time the way we all wish we could spend ours: with Rosario Dawson. The two are finally together without the distractions of his busy political life and her busy celebrity/being a perfect person life.
With this extra free time, Cory will of course continue to pursue his passion of tweeting out bad jokes about coffee. Fuck it, he might just turn it into a passion project and make a coffee table book full of lame coffee jokes. The perfect present for all of our dads.
"Sleep" and I broke up a few nights ago. I'm dating "Coffee" now. She's Hot!
— Cory Booker (@CoryBooker) May 29, 2009
Maxine Waters
Maxine Walters will be reclaiming her time, tyvm.
Donald Trump
Social distancing as president is what Trump had always thought this job would be like. He’s locking himself in his room, ordering all the McDonald’s fish fillets in the greater D.C. area, stockpiling Diet Coke, and watching Fox News.
Melania is pretending to have COVID-19 as an excuse to not be near him.
At long last, peace, quiet, and a lack of total responsibility. America is finally great again.
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Teens, they’re just like us! And by that I mean they’re also sick of our government’s shit. Tbh teens have been killing it lately, from leading and participating in protests against gun violence to just generally letting their voices be heard in the political conversations happening in this country. It’s really inspiring, seeing as when I was a teen the only things I cared about were if my mom would give me a ride to the mall and if Kyle from my Earth Science class was going to be on AIM later. Anyway, the latest star teen is 18-year-old Erin Bailey of Columbus, Indiana, who is organizing a pride festival as part of her senior project. That’s right, she’s throwing a full on gay rave in the hometown of Mike Pence, who famously thinks if he looks into the eyes of a gay person he will turn to stone.
Erin Bailey was worried that the city wouldn’t be down for her queer fest, because, you know, Indiana. But to her delight, they have been supes supportive. Okay, Indiana, we see you. I guess it’s true, one should never judge a book by it’s homophobic, abortion hating, skim milk chugging ex-governor.
And here is the wildest part: Erin Bailey is a big enough person to publicly say that this event is not about Mike Pence or about her, it’s about the community. She’s selfless enough to not make this about the enemy or herself and, may I remind you, she is a teen. Again, when I was a teen I made sure going to visit grandma at the nursing home was somehow made about me. I’ve brought myself up continuously in this very article in attempt to make it about me, and I’m a 26-year-old functioning alcoholic grown ass woman. Also, can we just appreciate the boss move of doing something that will clearly upset Mike Pence and then not even giving him the satisfaction of saying it’s about him.
Actual footage of Erin Bailey facing off with Mike Pence:
Pence is claiming to be fine with the whole thing, even going as far as having a spokesperson release a statement in support of the festival saying he commends young people getting involved in politics. Okay, honey, tell that to the time you openly opposed gay marriage. Let’s see if he truly shows support by showing up to the festival, where Bailey says there will be vendors, food, educational booths, entertainment, and to Pence’s dismay – gay people. The festival will take place on April 14th, so mark your cals, Indiana. K, I’m going to go reflect on my teen years and feel bad about myself. Bye!
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Ah yes, our favorite reality-television-star-turned-White-House-aide-turned-fired-White-House-aide-turned-reality-television-star. That’s right, it’s our girl, Omarosa!
As we know, Omarosa has been spilling the damn tea on Celebrity Big Brother. Lucky for us, the tea just keeps on spilling. She recently discussed DACA with her fellow cast members and explained how the Trump administration plans to get more and more aggressive. She noted that Trump is a “numbers guy” and he “wants to outdo his predecessors.” You say “numbers guy”, I say “deteriorating old yam in a toupee.”
After setting the scene, Omarosa dropped a bomb by telling everyone “We’d be begging for days of Trump back if Pence became president, that’s all I’m saying.” Okurr. She went as far as saying that Pence thinks Jesus tells him things, and implied that he was a bit off his rocker. Not breaking news to me, but sure. She also said, “So everybody that’s wishing for impeachment, might want to reconsider their life.” Sorry Omarosa, but I’m not sure we need to be taking life advice from you. We will take this piping hot goss on Pence though.
In short, Omarosa can concur that Mike Pence is a weirdo who thinks calling his wife “Mother” is okay, but homosexuals loving each other is not. Great. Adam Rippon for President.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
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Olympics season is the best because the games are always on at weird hours, which means you get to watch gorgeous, graceful figure skating routines by Adam Rippon on a dive bar TV while you chug vodka cranberries and imagine that the Cardi B song bumping in the background is the actual track he’s skating to. No? That’s just me? Well, I highly recommend trying it sometime, it’s v entertaining.
The most talked about skater on the US team this year is Margot Robbie Adam Rippon, who is competing as the first openly gay American man in the Winter Games. Just this weekend, Skate Bae – as I shall now refer to him – placed third in the Men’s Free Skate and helped propel the US Figure Skating Team to a Bronze medal. Rippon is just as popular for his insane skating skills as he is for his hilarious social media presence, and eyebrows that put Cara Delevingne’s to shame.
When the White House decided to give possessed-orphan-porcelain-doll Mike Pence the honor of leading the US delegation to the opening ceremony, Rippon threw some major shade at the idea of meeting with him before the Games. “You mean Mike Pence,” he scoffed, “the same Mike Pence that funded gay conversion therapy? I’m not buying it.”
Conversion therapy is the completely fucked up idea that homosexuality is an “illness” that can be cured with psychological treatment and, in the most extreme cases, electroshock therapy. Pence has been linked to these ideas for years, especially after a statement was posted on his campaign website calling for funding and resources “directed toward those institutions which provide assistance to those seeking to change their sexual behavior.” Um, newsflash, there’s no such thing as “changing your sexual behavior.” Have you never heard Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way?” Oh wait, you obviously haven’t because you only listen to cassette tapes of Christian Rock until 8pm when Mother* tells you it’s time for bed.
*Casual reminder that Mike Pence calls his wife “Mother” and it’s fucking weird as shit.
Last week, USA Today reported that Pence’s office was so worried about Rippon’s beef with him that they attempted to arrange a private meeting to hash it out. Rippon allegedly kept his word and declined any offer to sit face to face with a man who thinks his gay can be prayed away. Meanwhile, Pence shot down the rumors as “fake news” and said he never reached out to meet with Rippon in the first place.
Pence @ Adam: 
Rippon said he has no interest in meeting with Pence after the Olympics or attending the White House’s official celebration for the athletes after they return home, since competing is his top priority, and trying to convince old white men that gay people are people too is not exactly high on the agenda.
In an interview with ABC News, he remarked, “I personally don’t have anything to say to Mike Pence. I’m very lucky because legislation that he’s pushed hasn’t affected my life at all. I spoke out because there are people out there whose lives have been affected by change that he’s tried to make. I spoke out for them because right now I have a voice and I think it’s really important for me to use it. That’s a conversation for them.” *Rainbow flags wave dramatically. “Fight Song” plays in the distance. Our new hero rises from the rink like an icy gay phoenix*
In the same interview, when asked how he would celebrate his super impressive performances in Pyeongchang, he responded, “I’m going to go to Target and I’m going to get a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, Oyster Bay, with the twist top, immediately.” He also said that after his routine this weekend, he wanted to ask the judges for a Xanax, so basically this man is all of us, and we must protect him at all costs.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
The State of the Union was last night and over 33 million people tuned in to hear our president speak. As with anything Trump-related, the big question of the night was, “Will he do something totally fucking crazy?” and the answer, fortunately, was no. I mean, as long as you’re not counting the fact that a thrice-divorced reality TV star who has sex with porn stars and eats McDonalds in bed is the president, it was all p. normal.
The event started at 9pm and lasted over and hour and twenty minutes (RIP to all those who died while playing our SOTU drinking game – your contributions to the War On Sobriety will not be forgotten) so for those of you who turned it off at the 40 minute mark, here’s everything you need to know to pretend you’re an engaged citizen
The Hype Portion
The craziest part of the night came two seconds in, when some rando announced the President of the United States, and Donald Trump came out.
RANDO: Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States!
ME: I am not drunk enough for this.
Lol Paul Ryan had one line tonight and he blew it. You know what they say – being the most unpopular politician in America is a 24/7 job.
Trump starts out the speech employing a tactic that I often use at work meetings: shouting out people who are good at their job to deflect how bad you are at your own. He shouted out Coast Guard officers that helped with hurricane relief, firefighters, and Congressman Steve Scalise – aka the Congressman who was shot by a rogue crazy during a bipartisan Congressional baseball game. Hard not to get applause on any of these.
TRUMP: A new tide of optimism is sweeping across our land…
ME:
We got a “Make America Great Again” within the first 5 minutes, meaning that was when I took my first shot. Casual reminder the speech was an hour and twenty minutes long.
TRUMP: …Melania is here
MELANIA (in Slovenian): Keep my name outcha mouth.
TBH every time they cut to Melania she appears to hate him more. Like this is the exact face I make when my boyfriend says some dumb shit in public that I can’t wait to roast him for when we get home:
ME every time the first lady is on screen: Girl, blink twice if you need help. Blink three times if you need edibles. I gotchu on both.
Okay can Paul Ryan maybe lean over and tell the president to stop clapping so loudly into the mic? Also to stop clapping *for himself*? You’re a reality star dude, you should actually know this stuff.
The look on the Congressional Black Cacus’ faces when Trump shouted out the African American unemployment rate is literally a renewable energy source. Like, it could fuel the Earth for the next 100 years.
TRUMP: African American unemployment…amiright?
CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CACUS:
Trump shouts out the tax cuts and the Republicans in the house start going crazy like they’re frat bros who just won a low-stakes game of beer pong.
TRUMP: Tax Cuts
REPUBLICANS:
Omg Preston
The best part of the night, obviously, was the introduction of Preston, a 12-year-old boy who everyone low-key thought was Barron until we saw him close up.
ME: Wait, but where *is* Barron tho?
TRUMP: Here tonight is Preston Sharp, a 12-year-old boy from Redding California who noticed that veterans’ graves were not marked with flags on Veterans Day. He decided to change that and started a movement that has now placed 40,000 flags at the graves of our great heroes. Preston” a job well done.
ME: …so like can Preston be president then?
The Real Shit
Ah, we’re at the part of the night where he’s going to talk about his policy proposals. *takes three shots in anticipation*
TRUMP: We have ended the war on beautiful clean coal!
AMERICA:
TRUMP: Let’s make prescription drugs cheaper for all!
TRUMP 10 minutes later: Let’s make it harder for people to get addicted to prescription drugs!!!!!
Every time they cut to Ted Cruz clapping I think about how Trump straight up called his wife ugly and accused his dad of killing JFK, but like now they’re cool because tax cuts.
I wish I loved anything the way Republicans love tax cuts, TBH. I’d have a much richer (literally) life.
Did anybody else notice that every time Trump got applause he turned to Paul Ryan, who would whisper “good job” or some shit? It’s like he’s a child at a recital whose surprised everyone by not peeing himself yet.
“Trade relationships should be RECIPROCAL!” – Donald Trump, a man who has 100% never reciprocated oral in his life.
TRUMP: Tonight I am calling on Congress to produce a bill that generates at least $1.5 trillion for new infrastructure investment we need.
EVERYONE: Wait hmm that actually sounds like a good idea.
ME: omg omg does this mean he’s going to fix the Subway???
What the actual proposal is: The Trump Administration wants to put $1.5 trillion into infrastructure (aka streets and transportation and shit), and would include Congress redirecting $200 billion of federal funds to Amtrak and transit programs over the next 10 years, while also looking for hundreds of millions more from cities, states, and the private sector.
The pros: America actually really needs this – half of our mass transit systems have gotten a ‘D’ or more and that also includes schools, roads, and drinking water systems. A ‘D’ might be okay for passing your freshman math requirement – it’s not so great when we’re talking about drinking water.
The cons: It’s hard to see how we can actually pay for this with the tax cut and Trump’s whole obsession with building a wall. Also, public-private sector partnerships like the one being proposed here tend to work better in urban areas.
Immigration
Aaaaaand it’s crazy time. Shout out to all my bad hombres out there – it’s time to chug your drinks.
Trump spend the first half of his immigration talk shouting out families in the audience who were the victims of violent crimes by immigrants. He’s like a racist DJ Khaled.
*Family of fallen teenager senselessly lost to gang violence stands for applause*
TRUMP:
Casual reminder that there is literally no political party who says it’s cool for MS-13 gang members to come into the country. Sadly feel like it’s necessary to point that out right now. Also, if you’re mad about gang violence, wait til you hear about gun violence – it’s like gang violence’s older, meaner cousin.
TRUMP: and here we have Special Agent Celestino Martinez. He goes by DJ. Or CJ. He said I can call him both. I’m going to call him CJ.
ME: Who the f goes by both CJ and DJ?
TRUMP: The first pillar of our framework offers a path to citizenship for 1.8 million illegal immigrants who were brought here by their parents at a young age…
DEMOCRATS: Omg yay!
TRUMP: …AND IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR PRECIOUS DREAMERS, OUR SECOND PILLAR REQUIRES THE BLOOD OF EVERY FIRST BORN MEXICAN BABY
DEMS: Wait, what?
TRUMP: THIS IS GENEROUS!!!!!
What the actual proposal is: The White House proposal backs a 12-year path to citizenship for 1.8 million Dreamers, in exchange for yuuuuuge changes to the legal immigration system, and $25 billion for the border wall.
The pros: I mean, citizenship for 1.8 million Dreamers is pretty legit.
The cons: First of all, pretty sure Mexico was supposed to pay for the wall. Second of all, the changes proposed would restrict legal immigration to the lowest levels since the 1920s. It prevents people from sponsoring parents, adult children, or siblings for U.S. citizenship and ends the diversity visa lottery in favor of a merit-based replacement. In Trump terms, this basically means less people from so-called ‘shithole’ countries, and more white people “skilled workers”.
TRUMP: We want to put an end to chain migration
DEMOCRATS: Boo!
ME: WOOOOORRRRRLLLLLDDDSTAR
Seriously, you could see in that moment when Trump got booed that he was like, about to lose it. Is it weird that I’m low-key proud of him for not immediately going rogue, cursing out Chuck Shumer and throwing burger patties into the crowd? Baby steps…
Mood At this Point:
North Korea
Told; North Korea is bad. No new info here. The President didn’t call Kim Jong Un fat or anything which is good.
TRUMP: I’d like to introduce you to Ji Seong-Ho, who bravely escaped North Korea, on crutches, with one leg. He now has a new leg, though I hear he still keeps his old —
ME (drunk): LEG!?? OMG DOES HE KEEP THE LEG?!?
TRUMP: Crutches
ME: Oh that…makes a lot more sense
The Big Finale
TRUMP: Atop the dome of the capital stands the Statue of Freedom. She stands tall and dignified among the monuments…monuments to Washington and Jefferson…and freedom stands tall over one more monument: This Capitol. This living monument…
ME: Say monument again.
Trump: Thank you and God Bless America
Me: Omg. We did it. We survived.
Only three more of these to go. Unless – IDK – the president is removed from office for some crazy reason.
Accurate Depiction Of Me For The Rest Of The Trump Presidency:
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
It’s Presidents Day, which calls for a very special broast of our one, the only, Supreme Leader President Donald J. Trump. For the first time since Ronald Reagan, we finally have a real bro in the White House. Let’s take a look at everything The Donald has done right.
Probably the most important key to Donald’s bro identity is his hair. There’s something so intriguing about a guy with a silky flow, and The Donald’s windswept look is fucking legendary. There are rumors going around that he uses drugs to make his hair grow, but that’s obviously just fake news. Sad! Also worth admiring is his tan—it’s so natural looking. Obama may have been the first black president, but the true testiment to how far we as a nation have come in achieving a post-racial society is the fact that we elected an orange-skinned president.
Dude is also a fucking wordsmith. Like, his speeches use sentence structures so complex they haven’t even been invented yet. Just wait, 100 years from now this shit will be the new Shakespeare, bigly. Donny is known for not using a teleprompter, which is super impressive considering his speeches are always so concise and logical.
A crucial part of Trump’s whole image is the hot wife. Donald is on hot wife #3, which is honestly a modest number for a guy like him. Ideally, he would be on wife 6 or 7, but somehow he’s stayed with Melania into her mid-40s, which is probably very tough for him. Somewhere in central Europe, there’s probably a support group for aging models who really thought they would be married to Donald Trump by now.
Speaking of groups, every bro also has to have a solid crew, and Trump’s crew is next level. You’ve got pantydroppers like Mike Pence, Sean Spicer, and especially Steve Bannon—I just love a man who doubts my own humanity. Donald also hangs out with cool girls like Kellyanne Conway—every bro needs a hot blonde friend who may or may not have a meth hookup.
Trump is a true SAB with a capital S. Know how when your fuck buddy tries to tell you he stayed in last night when you physically saw him making out with another girl at the bar only makes you want him more? Exactly.
The best part about Trump is that if you hang out with him for long enough, he’ll give you a cool nickname, like “Lyin’ Ted Cruz,” or “Little Marco Rubio.” If you’re tryna chill with Donald, you can likely find him having important policy meetings with a foreign leader on an unsecure phone line and thinking of fun, inventive ways to restrict your rights.
Happy Presidents Day, Donald. We can’t wait to see what the next four years bring.
