Welcome back to another very exciting episode of The Bachelorette! I’m calling this episode “very exciting” because this is the moment in the season when Michelle becomes the reason the guidance counselor at her school has to work overtime come fall. That’s right, people: fantasy suite dates are here! Unlike the past few seasons of The Bachelor/ette, Michelle and her men are actually allowed to travel beyond the property line of whatever hotel ABC has been holding them hostage in these last few weeks. Fun! Truly, I think it is so much fun that ABC deemed it too unsafe for Michelle to travel for hometowns, but a Mexican Marriott for fantasy suites is totally fine. It really gives a whole new meaning to that phrase “risking it for the biscuit.” 

All jokes aside, fantasy suites are an important stage of these producer-manipulated relationships. For one, it’s the first time that Michelle is allowed to spend complete alone time with any of the men. It’s during that alone time that she can gauge how strong her emotional connections are with each of them—or at least gauge how strong her aversions are to finger-blasting as foreplay. Only time will tell!

Brandon’s Fantasy Suite Date

First up this week is Brandon, who looks like his idea of foreplay includes gentle eye contact and a Spotify mashup of Hallmark Christmas movie soundtracks. My feelings are only reinforced during the day portion of their date when they go on a romantic horseback ride through the jungle. At one point Brandon says he can’t ride horses, and I feel like this is a metaphor for his bedroom habits. In fact, the anxious “yeehaw” he lets out as they ride off into the jungle is probably the fun new “kink” he lists on his Bumble profile when this is all over. 

I think my problem with Brandon is that he cannot be taken seriously. His emotional angst ranks right up there with one of my diary entries from sophomore year and it’s unsettling to watch, let alone root for. Case in point is this little exchange:

BRANDON: I can’t wait to literally rip my heart out, throw it on the table, and just say, do what you want with it, because it only beats for you at this point.
ME:

Brandon! You can’t just go around telling people how you feel! What are you, eight? Grow up. 

Later, Brandon tells Michelle that he loves her and is this the part where he asks her to wear his letterman? Are they going steady now? I’m not shocked at all that Brandon is the type to make bold proclamations before sex. In fact, I think his climax absolutely depends on it. What I am shocked about is how into it Michelle seems. In fact, every single time she hangs out with Brandon she seems taken aback by her response to him. It’s like she knows he’s fully embarrassing but can’t stop herself from being into it. 

I will say that I’m not convinced any fantasies were actually enacted in that hotel suite. Though they do spend the night together, the next morning they both sit suspiciously clothed and with a healthy amount of distance between their bodies. It’s not immediately clear that they’ve done anything other than wear Korean face masks and binge watch HGTV. I suppose only time will tell…

Joe’s Fantasy Suite Date

I’m worried about Joe this week. It seems like Mexico—and having to listen to his girlfriend fake an orgasm with other guys through the adjoining wall—has not been good for his mental health. Wild. Out of all of the guys, he’s struggling the most with the idea of fantasy suites and, I’ll admit, I’m getting some sick satisfaction out of his reaction. I love that the guy WHO GHOSTED HER is the most torn up about this. I guess emotional sabotage is only a turn on when he’s the one in control of it. 

Overall, their date isn’t super impressive to me. I’ve never really understood Michelle’s connection to Joe beyond his physical attractiveness and this date in paradise continues to perplex me. They go ziplining and it’s maybe the first time I’ve heard Joe speak above the lowest decibel a human ear can hear. Michelle interprets the screams he emits from ziplining as Joe “opening up” to her and not Joe’s anxiety completely taking control of his bodily reactions. Tomato, tahmato. 

Michelle is really trying her damnedest to pull an intimate, emotional connection out of Joe and the best Joe can give her is this:

Christ. 

My problem with Joe is that their whole connection seems to hinge on basketball and their physical attraction to one another. Take basketball out of the equation and the two are struggling to engage in ways that aren’t single syllable grunts. I mean, I think I have more free-flowing conversations with my dog, for god’s sake. 

No matter, Michelle decides to give him another chance and invites him to spend the night with her. I’m sure that decision had everything to do with her very real feelings for him and nothing at all to do with the very real feelings his DMs made her feel in her vagina all those months ago. Yep. There’s no way this can go wrong. 

Nayte’s Fantasy Suite Date

Even though Nayte’s date is last this week, he seems the most unconcerned about the fantasy suites situation. While the rest of the guys agonized over if their girlfriend had given a half-hearted handy to another guy in the room, Nayte seemed more concerned that this conversation might cut into the hotel’s continental breakfast time. 

BRANDON AND JOE: I’m sick to my stomach thinking this girl I’m in love with is possibly falling more in love with someone else right now.
NAYTE, ALREADY ONE MOJITO DEEP: 

If anything Nayte seems more inclined to torture those around him than to feel any sort of torment regarding the situation himself. He’s like “hey, Brandon! What do you think Michelle and Joe are doing on their date? Soaking up that Vitamin D? Haha! Get it?!” Never mind that Brandon was already sitting there looking absolutely haunted. After that comment he’s going to spend the rest of the day actively trying not to imagine what else the guy who can spin a basketball on his finger might be doing with said fingers. 

When the guys try to rattle Nayte by asking why he’s not more upset, he says that he’s just that confident in his connection with Michelle. And here’s the thing: Nayte has every right to feel confident in their relationship. Their chemistry is palpable. My god, their yachting date?? I have not seen a couple this attractive on the open seas since I grew out of my Pirates of the Caribbean phase. Have mercy. 

You know who isn’t quite as confident in their connection? Michelle. She says that she’s worried she has stronger feelings for him than he has for her. Lol. Well of course you do, honey! It took the man 20 years to say the “L” word to the people who raised him. He probably doesn’t even sign his coworkers’ birthday cards, lest they get the wrong idea about their relationship and think they’re actually chummy.

MICHELLE: Is there anything on your mind you want to say to me before I read the fantasy suite date card?
NAYTE: 

I will say Michelle is persistent about getting the answer she wants to hear. When it becomes clear that they will sit outside in their own stink and perspiration until he says he loves her, then and only then does he break down and say he loves her, now please can they just go have sex now? Absolutely swoon.  

If I had doubts about what Michelle was doing with Brandon and Joe in the fantasy suites, I have no such qualms about her activities with Nayte. The morning after footage shows clothes askew, her makeup is half on his face, some of Nayte’s body jewelry is still caught up in her hair. There is no mistaking what went down here tonight (spoiler: it was Nayte).

And fuck, if the two of them don’t look so in love! But while Michelle is saying in her confessional that Nayte is her soul mate, Nayte is still throwing out words “might” and “possible”, as in: it might work out between them or there’s a possibility for real love. Though nothing can be worse than his response to the other men when they ask how his date went and he said they “vibed out” and really “kicked it.” Nathan! These are things I said about the CBD products a sorority sister conned me into purchasing as a part of her mommy group’s pyramid scheme. These are not things you say after spending an intimate night with your future wife!

Going into the rose ceremony, Nayte’s shine cannot be dulled. While the rest of the dudes look like they would rather have spoiled fruit thrown at them in the town square than be in this room where they might get romantically rejected after spending the night with a woman, Nayte is practically giddy to get his rose. He’s 6’6, what does he have to be worried about?

And what do you know? True love Height and inconsistent romantic feelings reign victorious once again! Nayte scores the first of the roses and, after a moment of wavering, Brandon lands the second rose. This means that Mr. Basketball is going home. As Joe exits he dead-pan mumbles “I just want to go home” and it’s a sentiment that reverberates through my bones. We all just want to go home, Joe.

We’ll have to wait until next week for the three (kill me) hour season finale. Until next week, betches!

Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4)

It’s the most wonderful time of the yearrrrrr! And, no, I’m not referring to those unhinged enough to already be dousing their homes in holiday cheer. I’m talking about the most wonderful time of The Bachelor year: Hometowns. It’s a pivotal time in the men’s relationship with Michelle, a time when she can look around at her four remaining boyfriends and judge for herself who is ready for marriage and who is still letting mommy cut his meat for him. Fun for the whole family, really!

Last week, Michelle whittled her men down to four: Brandon, Nayte, Joe, and Rodney. I had high hopes that this season might allow for Hometowns to exist again in places like a home or a town, but alas, for the fifth season in a row we’re going to be watching families interact in a sea of beige conference rooms. Boooooo. 

I cannot emphasize this enough: the Bachelorette needs proper Hometown dates if she’s going to make an educated decision about her future. The Bachelor? Not so much. He just needs to see which of his girlfriends has the best-aging mom and the least psychotic brothers and he’s good to go. But the Bachelorette? This date is crucial to seeing how the sausage gets made. Literally. And without a childhood home to fact-check if she’s been dating an actual human being and not just a pile of loose-leaf garbage masquerading as a human being, that likelihood gets slimmer and slimmer. I mean, how else is she supposed to find out which of these guys still masturbates to their high school yearbook quote if we don’t get a decent look at the house that built them? Hmm? How?!

Brandon’s Hometown

Speaking of Hometowns, Brandon’s is up first. We’re told he is allowed to bring his mother, father, and brother into the hostage situation. I say “hostage situation” because I’m not convinced Brandon’s family came of their own free will. My god, in order for the brother to be able to attend this sad little event he had to delay going into the Navy. The Navy! Imagine telling the Navy that you’re too busy to report for duty, you’ve got to support your brother on The Bachelorette. He’s either set himself up for a lifetime of mockery or his  presence on my TV isn’t of his own volition. Watch his hands, people. See if his fingers start quietly tapping out Morse code for “help me.” 

Before Michelle gets to meet the family, Brandon takes her to a place that feels like home to him: the skate park. Okay, how old is this guy? Aren’t skate parks for, like, the shitty kid you babysit and guys in their 20s who think living in a van is a personality trait?

I think my problem with Brandon, and what makes it impossible to root for him, is that he looks too fresh-faced to be taken seriously. He’s got poreless skin, good intentions, and a positive outlook on life. That would exhaust me. In fact, I know I would look absolutely haggard standing next to him at all times. 

MY COMPLEXION DATING BRANDON:

When we finally meet Brandon’s family they are just as poreless and good-intentioned as their offspring. The star of the show, though, is not Brandon or even his parents—the people who instilled Disney Channel-level ethics into him—but his brother. I just can’t stop thinking about the fact that his existence on my television screen came about because he told the US freaking Navy that his start date wasn’t sitting right with his energy. And what a lewk he has about him! Like, are we sure he’s in the armed forces? Or does he just have a TikTok account that references the US Navy in its handle? I’m gonna need some clarification here. 

Right off the bat, the brother grabs Michelle to “talk.” It’s less of a civilized conversation and more of a verbal assault of questions. He wants to know why Brandon is different than the other guys she’s dating and I do hope she mentions Brandon’s willingness to be semi-erect whilst wearing her father’s intimates. If that’s not a complete display of devotion, I don’t know what is. 

As the brother keeps relentlessly quizzing Michelle, I just keep thinking about all the questions I have for him. Like, how long are you allowed to ghost something like the Navy? Do you already get a demerit for ditching basic training to participate in the saddest part of humanity, reality television? And will you be able to wear that chain during basic training? These are the things that keep me up at night. 

Brandon’s dad also seems like a fun guy. He certainly seems to have more chemistry with Michelle than his son does. They’re both talking about drinking beers and Sunday Funday and I’m like, okay, should we get these two a room?? I mean the tension is practically palpable. 

Overall, Brandon’s family has a good showing. It’s really too bad that she’ll likely dump them all for someone taller and with more commitment issues. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles, kids!  

You poor, stupid fool. 

Joe’s Hometown

Joe is the only guy actually able to bring Michelle to his hometown as he’s the only one actually from Minneapolis. It almost feels like production withheld normal Hometowns not for safety reasons, but so that this front-runner could have a clear home court advantage… 

Whatever the case is, Joe needs all the help he can get. Instead of taking Michelle someplace special, he takes her on a tour of his old high school. WHY?? Not only is this an essential regifting of Michelle’s date idea from last week, but what is attractive about a high school exactly? Is it the stench of disinfectant and Axe body spray? Or the irrational fear that a 15-year-old in Uggs might verbally assault you if you even cross the threshold? Hmm?

The date gets even worse when he plans a two-person prom in the school’s gym that has all of the creative vision of a Party City clearance section. This is an absolute no from me. If a guy led me into an abandoned high school and surprised me with this manifestation of my nightmares, I would not only suspect the date to end in a Josie Grossie moment that involved me at the receiving end of an egging, but also, possibly, an untimely death. I’m telling you, nothing good can come of a prom! 

THE COUPLE:

ME TO MY DOG: Mark my words, something wicked this way comes…

Despite the foreboding energy of this date (read: me screaming “the call is coming from inside of the house!!” and other melodramatic horror movie warnings as Michelle has a perfectly normal time), Michelle eats it up. I can tell that the idea of Joe manifests from some sort of high school wet dream that she’s been harboring for the last 15 years. It’s the only explanation, really, for how attached she is to him. I mean the man takes the trope of “strong and silent” to an unheard of level. Seriously, I cannot hear him at all. He never speaks. (Why won’t you speak?!)

It’s only after we meet his family that I understand exactly where Joe gets his quiet demeanor from. Michelle meets his mom, dad, brother, and sister-in-law and, in that meeting, it becomes abundantly clear that the men in the family use mumbled single-syllable words and strategic eye glances as their primary mode of communication. 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by tvgoldtweets 🌹 (@tvgoldtweets)

The real star of the family is the brother’s wife. She is milking this experience for all it’s worth. I don’t think her husband, you know, the guy WHO’S BLOOD RELATED TO THE REASON WHY THEY’RE ALL THERE, has said more than two words all evening. Meanwhile the wife is like, “I don’t want to have to see her in the grocery store if this doesn’t work out.” Forget the rest of the guys, can we get a hometown date with the wife? I would watch two hours of  Michelle trailing behind her in a grocery store, watching her passive-aggressively terrorize her enemies in the produce aisle. This is the content the people want!

Nayte’s Hometown

Nayte is definitely the date production wants to hype as the shit show. There’s always one. One family that is so aggressively embarrassed to be on this franchise that they would launch verbal nuclear bombs at the family meet-and-greet so as to sabotage any chance of their offspring embarrassing them further by actually, like, legally binding themselves to someone who supports this marital farce masquerading as a show. Nayte’s family is not that. Seriously, if these are the biggest, baddest monsters production could dig up, no one is getting that Christmas bonus this year. 

The worst that can be said about Nayte’s family is that they seem hesitant about his relationship with Michelle. Mostly because he’s never introduced a girl to them before. And they aren’t even dramatic about their hesitancy! They’re very calm, cool, and collected about it all.

MICHELLE: Do you think Nayte is ready for marriage?
THE STEP DAD:

Production would also like us to feel weird about the fact that Nayte doesn’t talk about his emotions with his parents, but sorry! I don’t think that’s weird. Who talks honestly and openly to their family about topics that aren’t what we want for dinner? I mean, my family expresses themselves entirely in movie quotes and passive-aggressive requests. In fact, if someone even discusses something remotely intimate, at least one of us makes an excuse about needing something from the fridge so that we can leave the room. What is weird about that? 

My favorite is when Nayte gets emotional and tells his stepdad that he loves him for the first time and we’re all supposed to clap and feel things about this. If it took him this long to say “I love you” to a man who has been an emotional constant for almost the entirety of his life, I hate to see what that timeline looks like for Michelle. Perhaps he’ll be ready to drop the “L word” when their first born goes off to college! 

You can tell ABC is desperately trying to sow the seeds of discord by using Nayte’s small amount of Hometown family drama to emphasize that Nayte isn’t ready for marriage and that Michelle won’t know who to pick at the rose ceremony. To that I say, no shit, he isn’t ready for marriage. But who cares! Commitment issues are female kryptonite. We’ve been conditioned from a young age to “fix” men, so OF COURSE his failure to drop the L word is getting her hot. Intimacy issues are better than foreplay. At the very least, she would like to see how this energy translates in the fantasy suites. Let the girl live!

Rodney’s Hometown

Finally, let’s talk about Rodney. I, personally, am very interested to see the kind of stock he hails from. It would not surprise me, for example, to learn that Rodney is actually related to the Charmin Ultra Soft bears. He’s just got that kind of vibe about him. 

RODNEY’S FAMILY, PROBABLY:

Look, let me say this. Rodeny is a cinnamon roll of a human, but you also don’t want to fuck a cinnamon roll. I’m getting big friend energy between the two of them, and it’s making me uneasy. I’m having the conflicting urge of both desperately wanting to meet the Charmin bears who raised this sweet specimen of a human and desperately not wanting Michelle to meet them at all, lest she crumble their son like a snickerdoodle cookie. 

My initial suspicions about Rodney’s family are proven correct. No, they aren’t Charmin bears. Yes, they’re actual human beings (or at the very least, full-grown marshmallows wearing human skin suits). His family seems so fucking tender I might actually have to look away from my screen. They are way too sweet. 

Knowing that his family is cute as shit does nothing to ease my dread. Michelle did say earlier in their date that Rodney is “definitely my best friend” which is how I know for sure that he’s going home this week. Look at the way they even describe their relationship to his parents:

RODNEY: She makes me happy. She’s perfect, she’s beautiful, she’s the future mother of my children.
MICHELLE: Yeah… it’s been fun. 

It’s been fun?! I’ve seen more heartfelt emotion in my yearbook from a high school acquaintance’s half scribbled “HAGS.”

In the end, no amount of family cuteness can save Rodney’s fate. Michelle sends him home with a smile and a promise to stay pen pals (as all summer friendships end). Until next week, betches!

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (2); @tvgoldtweets /Instagram (1)

Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! So regularly scheduled, in fact, that ABC is going to air footage regardless of little things like nationwide travel schedules or annual holidays. GOBBLE GOBBLE BITCHES, The Bachelorette schedule waits for no woman! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d still be watching regardless of where Michelle’s journey fell on my Thanksgiving plans, but I’d rather be watching to actively ignore my drunk aunt humble-bragging about her son’s eight-year college track (“it just takes boys longer!!”), not because I have to. It’s the principle of the thing. 

Speaking of Thanksgiving, though ABC has “blessed” us with a new episode (I’m using that term loosely, obviously), we have very little to actually be grateful for. Much like the rest of this season, this week’s episode was the visual equivalent of an Ambien. You would think that whittling her group of eight down to a final four for Hometowns would have inspired some sort of frenzy for camera time Michelle’s affections, but alas even that couldn’t rouse the men into formation. I worry that at this point they’re just trying to coast by on their good looks and loud body jewelry. Look, all I’m saying is that nose rings do not a personality make, mmkay!

Count Your Blessings: The Kids Are Back

Did you guys know that Michelle’s a teacher? Did you?! It appears that whenever production reviews their footage and realizes that they casted a bunch of well-adjusted duds they turn to a tried-and-true method for producing grade-A television: kids. There’s nothing America loves more than watching a bunch of sweet but sassy children verbally spar with grown men whose IQ levels hover slightly below their own—and honestly, neither do I. At this point the kids are the only thing making this season interesting. 

We’re told that Michelle’s students will be planning this week’s dates and will be choosing who deserves to go on her first one-on-one date. Wait a minute. Is this how kids are spending their summer vacations now?? What happened to reading logs and math worksheets? Instead ABC has them entertaining a room full of strange men unsupervised (!!!) and plotting story arcs that even the executive creative team couldn’t come up with. Someone get these twerps on payroll!

As the kids descend upon the men in a plume of Hawaiian Punch and pre-puberty funk, I’ve never seen grown adults look so alarmed. I have a feeling they would take that g-force simulator from week three over this babysitting gig. But babysit they must, because the kids hold their fate with Michelle in their grubby little hands. How will the kids come to their decision? Through a series of nonsensical questions that range from “what’s your dream wedding” to “do you shave your nipples?” The questions serve the dual purpose of scaring the men right into an abstinence pact and entertaining the hell out of me (a tough feat, let me tell you).

Martin especially looks uncomfortable under their line of questioning, though that could be because he’s probably not allowed to be within 200 feet of children. Not for like, legal reasons, but because his personality sucks so much. While the rest of the guys bond with the kids by making fart noises with their hands, Martin entertains little Kelsey with a detailed breakdown of how to gaslight women. Meanwhile, Kelsey is looking at him like he’s the walking talking DARE ad her elementary school counselor warned her about. Run, Melissa, run!

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by bachelor nation (@bachelorettewindmill)

Out of the mouths of babes!

That Turkey Is Cooked: Clayton’s One-On-One

Though I trust these kids more than Michelle to find a suitable husband for her, I do question their pick for the first one-on-one date of the week: Clayton. Week after week I say I’m going to add a “Bachelor Watch” section to my recap, and week after week I write exactly one bullet note about Clayton that’s usually a variation of “boring,” “idiot,” “nothingburger,” or “why would they do this to us?” Ostensibly this should be the moment we’ve been waiting for all season, the moment where Clayton finally shows us why ABC chose him to be our next Bachelor—and yet, he falls short. Again. 

Even Michelle seems disappointed that the kids would choose him over, say, Nayte or Joe or the potted plant in the lobby. She sucks it up for date, though, a Home Alone-esque fantasy in which Ms. Michelle and Clayton are set loose in a museum after hours. What should be a romantic night between two beautiful looking people instead gives off heavy teacher-student field trip vibes. I kept waiting for Clayton to ask if he had permission to open his packed lunch yet. The only thing Clayton gave us at all during this date was the distinct feeling that he has an inner child. And by that I mean an actual child was wearing him like a man suit. Like, I would not be surprised if little Luke Freaky Friday’d him before this date. 

Later, Clayton says that he just wants to be vulnerable with Michelle and it’s as if he’s reading straight off some sort of script. Seriously, HOW is this guy become our next Bachelor?? Stock images have more life to them than he does.

Ultimately, Michelle feels the same way. She says that she doesn’t feel like she’s able to “get there” with Clayton before Homewtowns and it’s a sentiment that reverberates through Bachelor Nation. After all, Clayton is the only guy who managed to get sent home after a one-on-one date this season (even Martin finagled his way into receiving a rose and he insulted Michelle right to her face!). 

It appears that—just like the kids’ reasoning!—ABC went with Clayton because he has big muscles and can build a really huge fort. Stunning. Production does show us some mediocre footage of Clayton post-breakup discovering some hand-written notes from the children in his hotel room, but it all feels too little too late. I’m sure ABC saw those kid-induced tears and thought they’d hit PR gold. Here’s a grown man who shows emotions! About kids! And he’s not even ashamed about it! Everybody give this big, strong man a clap for his bravery. The problem that ABC doesn’t seem to understand is that we as an audience are asking for more than an emotionally stunted white guy who needed to have fifth graders validate his emotions for him so he could realize that commitment might be a thing he’s into, maybe. Come on. Do better. 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by tvgoldtweets 🌹 (@tvgoldtweets)

Hateful & Ungrateful: Martin’s Big Exit Moment

Now onto things I’m even less grateful for: Martin. This week, once again, Martin proved that he’s unfit to exist in public spaces or be around people who don’t have the same life goals as a Scooby Doo villain. I have this theory that Martin is actually a barn animal masquerading as a human man and finally, finally, Michelle is starting to see that as well. 

Martin landed a spot on the farm themed group date where the only high points included watching the men assault cow udders and Nayte feigning a back injury to get out of shoveling poop. The real show came later in the evening when Martin started running his mouth off again about Michelle. He tells the other men that Michelle often “misunderstands” him and that this shows her immaturity. This is a bold proclamation from a guy whose style aesthetic can only be described as the floor of a Forever21. 

I think his way of feeling in control of the situation (i.e. being one of eight boyfriends) is to make Michelle seem less appealing to the other guys. That way if she rejects him, well, that bitch was ugly anyway. Martin’s dating strategy is to basically internet troll an attractive woman into complacency, and it’s time for him to go. 

Ulo, being the earth angel that he is, takes it upon himself to warn Michelle that Martin is a walking, talking red flag. Ulo tells her that when Michelle read her poem a few weeks back, Martin called her insecure for not being able to get over a little thing like the systemic trauma of growing up as a Black woman in America. 

MICHELLE: Did you call me insecure?
MARTIN: There’s a difference between being insecure and having insecurities, my love.
ME:

Michelle’s like, “you haven’t been honest about the fact that you’re a dick.” Well, I think he’s been pretty up front about it. He does look like a visual representation of an Urban Dictionary explanation of a TikTok insult.  

Whatever doubts we may have had about Martin’s character are immediately alleviated when he starts railing on Michelle after his elimination. He says that a girl like that doesn’t deserve his attention and it’s just sad, he feels so sad for her, and it’s like has Martin completely lost all control of the demon inside him? If he thinks Michelle’s denouncement of his character was bad, just wait until he finds out what the internet thinks of him!

More Blessings: Brandon Gets Busted

I’ll end on a high note, the final blessed moment ABC grants us: watching Brandon try and hide a chubby in a pair of Michelle’s dad’s waterlogged swim trunks. If that camera work doesn’t win ABC an Emmy, I don’t know what will. 

Michelle brings Brandon to her childhood home for their one-on-one date. Tbh Brandon seems a little much for me. I know people will swoon over him after this episode, but he’s so over-the-top about his affections for her it’s almost unbelievable. At one point he’s like, “Michelle is literally walking me through her heart” and it’s like, dude, chill. She’s walking you down a hallway. 

Once again I’m reminded that Michelle was an undesirable growing up because she’s way too excited about living out this high school fantasy of having a boy alone in her parent’s home. 

MICHELLE: You know what would be so hot? If you wore my dad’s intimates and dry humped me in the family hot tub.
BRANDON:

Brandon looks appropriately horrified by the suggestion—as if he knows this adventure can only end in his humiliation. And you know what? He’s not wrong! Seconds after Michelle straddles him and starts getting intimately acquainted with the back of his throat, who should walk in on them but the actual owners of the house: Michelle’s parents. Imagine that! You can tell first impressions mean a lot to Brandon and he was not expecting to meet his maybe future in-laws whilst trying to hide a wet spot. Well, think about it this way, buddy: you can only go up from here.

And that’s a wrap on the recap! Next week we’re headed to Hometowns where Nayte, Brandon, Joe, and Rodney will introduce Michelle to the human embodiments of their intimacy issues. Until then!

Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin; Giphy (2); @bachelorettewindmill /Instagram (1); @tvgoldtweets /Instagram (1)

Welcome back, Bachelorette fans, to another week in paradise Minnesota…? This week, Michelle and her men are off to the Midwest to learn what kind of corn-fed, homestead folk Michelle hails from. This is rich. Can you imagine waking up in beautiful, sunny Palm Springs only to have to try and feign excitement about vacationing to a city that’s covered in snow and rock salt nine months out of the year? But the men do try their best. You can tell they’re all racking their brains for any factoids about this place off of which they can build a sufficient knowledge base. I fear they got as far as watching the opening credits of The Mighty Ducks before calling it a day.

While the men look indifferent at best about having to fly coach to the crockpot capital of the world, Michelle seems absolutely jazzed about dragging 11 dudes in skinny jeans to her hometown. You can tell this is a real gag for her. The last guy she wanted to bring home to mom ghosted her on the apps, only to reappear randomly when he ran into her while she was vacationing in Palm Spring—oh wait…

MICHELLE: This is the perfect place to show these guys what I stand for
THE PLACE:

Ah, yes. Outlet malls and movie theaters. You can practically smell the Auntie Anne’s and Axe body spray. I wasn’t aware that her values so closely aligned with the clientele at a Chili’s happy hour, but it’s good that we’re finally getting to meet the real Michelle. 

Minnesota Joe

I’ll start with some of the highlights from this episode, which include Minnesota Joe scoring the first one-on-one date of the week. This pick was confusing for me. She chose him so she can show him around the town he’s actually from? What sights could he possibly be introduced to? The view from her cousin’s basement where he plays 18 hours of Call of Duty every day? 

I see my intuition was not far off. Michelle spends most of their date giving Joe a tour of her old high school. Again I ask… why? The only way I would willingly set foot in my high school again is if I was bound to some sort of centuries-old witch’s curse that required it of me—and even then I might take my chances. What would I even say to a suitor about high school? “Here’s where my crush asked out another girl right in front of my face because he didn’t know I existed, and over there is where I almost failed remedial math!”

But Michelle is definitely living out some sort of high school horn dog fantasy. While I don’t think she was dating Joe pre-filming, I do think she knew of him (perhaps from his Mr. Basketball days) and had a massive crush on him. It’s the only explanation for how gaga she is when he’s given us nothing but soft-spoken, single-word answers for weeks. For example, I’ve seen them reenact this Love & Basketball-esque  pickup game at least once an episode, but I’ve yet to see them actually have a meaningful conversation that wasn’t about him ghosting her.

Eventually Joe does open up to Michelle. During the evening portion of the date, he reveals how harmful the title “Mr. Basketball” was to his psyche, especially when he left his high school glory days behind to play college ball. He says that the transition left him feeling anxious and depressed and (trigger warning) even alludes to being suicidal. I think before this date Michelle was thinking he was just a hot jock, but this conversation cements Joe as a Real Person with Actual Feelings and Human Emotions that exist outside of her Love & Basketball fantasies. You never know, it might just work for these two crazy kids!

Nayte The Great

Despite being at the center of the drama last week, Nayte redeemed himself during his one-on-one date this week with Michelle. I’m not surprised Michelle chose Nayte, one of her favorite boyfriends, to take on a date to one of her favorite places: Lake Minnetonka.

Look, I know that little hobgoblin Chris S. complained about Nayte thinking he “has this in the bag” but that’s because he absolutely does. Nayte has been my one to watch since week one. He became the frontrunner after scoring both the first impression rose and the first kiss. The next step for Michelle? Introducing him to the gals! 

After a day of boating, Michelle wants Nayte to meet her two best friends, both of whom look like a walking ad for a Francesca’s jewelry sale. I will say that I’m living for Michelle’s bitchy friend, because I am this friend. While Michelle and Nayte are draped in white linen (appropriate attire for a lake day) the friend is sitting there in her slinkiest black bodysuit ready to wreak absolute havoc. The first words out of her mouth to her bestie’s new BF? “Do you have enemies?” I may have screamed. Cut to Nayte, who looks like he would rather not answer that question until his lawyer is present. I don’t blame him! This crowd is tough. 

But eventually Nayte wins them over the way he won Michelle over—and probably every other woman on planet Earth—by being charmingly authentic whispering into the shell of her ear, “I’m 6’8.” 

The Rest of the Men Still Ain’t Shit

Since this is a recap of the episode and not my personal diary, I suppose I must mention the other men competing for Michelle’s attention—or whatever scraps are left of it after those one-on-one dates. 

Going into the group date, Michelle tells us that she wants the guys to create “more small moments” with her, to which I say, then she shouldn’t have taken them to a football stadium. First of all, MY GOD, MORE SPORTS?? If I wanted to watch this much athletic prowess I’d rewatch Friday Night Lights. Secondly, the real problem isn’t with the men’s behavior. It’s that Michelle keeps taking them to do things they actually want to do. That’s not how dating works, honey! I don’t take my dog to the dog park and expect her to spend the entire time looking soulfully into my eyes. I take her there so she can start shit with the labradoodle and mark her territory on every other bush. Why Michelle expects her men to act any differently is beyond me.  

The group date functions less like usable footage ABC actually thought we would want to watch and more like a propaganda reel to convince us that Clayton deserves to be the next Bachelor. And even that fails in its endeavor when Chris S. takes center stage in the drama (more on that later).

During the date, the guys compete for yet another totally made-up, hyper-masculine title: Ultimate Viking. So, let me get this straight. So far the guys have competed for the title of Maverick, Bella Twin and now… Viking? A competition, mind you, that’s being judged by two guys who definitely stormed the capital on January 6th. What kind of chaotic thematic messaging is happening on these group dates??

While Clayton ends up winning the title of Ultimate Viking (for no apparent reason other than that he’s really good at yelling loudly), it’s Chris S. who ultimately ends up stealing the date storyline—and the show. He spends the majority of the group date pouting over the fact that Michelle gave Nayte the second one-on-one date and just generally overcompensating for his tiny hands. He wonders why Michelle isn’t seeking him out after he so kindly hijacked her rose ceremony last week. Where are her manners!

There’s something about Chris S. that I can’t put my finger on, but I think it’s that he might be a secret incel. Like, he definitely has a little manifesto of all the pretty women who have wronged him in his life. There’s an entitlement to him that feels both laughable and dangerous at the same time. Like the office buffoon who you joke about always hitting on you to your work wives only to find out that he circulated a Photoshopped image of your head on a nude woman’s body to the guys in accounting. He paints himself as a nice guy, as a victim, and then psychologically tries to manipulate women into buying into his narrative. It’s disgusting. 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by bachelor nation (@bachelorettewindmill)

While Nayte is on his date with Michelle, the camera constantly cuts back to Chris S. at the hotel, quietly seething like the bridge troll he is. It’s clear Chris S. knows he’s going home and is trying to milk his five minutes of drama for all it’s worth. I don’t respect it, but I understand it. 

Case in point: Chris S. decides that he needs to confront Michelle DURING HER ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH NAYTE to grill her about why she isn’t showing him enough attention. Chris says he feels “played” by Michelle and she visibly recoils. Lol I can’t wait for her to verbally stone him on national television. GO OFF, SIS. 

MICHELLE: You spoke for me and I can speak for myself.
ME:

She politely tells Chris that their journey together has ended, which is the nicest banishment I’ve ever seen. I would have liked more fire and brimstone myself, but I suppose we can’t always have nice things.

Something I’ll note is Nayte’s reaction. It was, after all, his date that was crashed by Lord Farquaad. Instead of starting a fight or calling Chris a little “bitch baby” (*cough* Aaron *cough, cough*) he says that he doesn’t need to know about Michelle’s relationship with Chris or her reasons for sending him home. He wants to focus on their relationship and the rest of their date. See, this is the way you handle insecurities and jealousy: by trusting the person you’re with. Take note, boys. 

The last thing I’ll mention is that Martin—and I cannot emphasize this enough—still sucks. He has a conversation with Michelle during the rose ceremony in which he tells her that she doesn’t give him enough unique compliments and that also he hates high-maintenance women. 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by the bitchelorette (@bitchelorette_)

I think his exact words were he hates high-maintenance women and all the women in Miami are “verrrry high maintenance.” What’s fun is watching Michelle’s face during this interaction, which says she’s immediately siding with every woman in Miami over Martin. I mean, this is coming from a man with bleach blonde roots and enough layered necklaces to fuel an Uncommon James Instagram ad. You can’t spell high-maintenance without the letters M, A, and N. I’m just saying…

And that’s a wrap for this week! Michelle doesn’t send Martin home just yet (for shame), so I guess my retinas will have to survive another week of the visual assault that is his general appearance. Greaaaat. 

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (4); @bitchelorette_ /Instagram (1); @bachelorettewindmill /Instagram (1)

Welcome back to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! We are now on week four of Michelle’s journey toward love and the closest thing I’ve seen to a genuine romantic connection is the one I’m having with Michelle’s styling. (My god that woman is a vision). As we move into the middle of the season, connections should be getting deeper, rose ceremony eliminations more dramatic, and let’s not forget the rampant unrestrained emotions that can only be reproduced on a Bachelor(ette) set and in hostage situations. At least we should be seeing all those things on our television screens. Instead, Michelle’s season has felt… anticlimactic? Dare I even say, boring?

The thing about Michelle that I’m starting to realize is that her highest energy level functions like the starting effects of an Ambien. She’s just too damn calm and collected. And, look, I get it. Her day job is the equivalent of managing a crime scene every day. I mean, do you know what goes on in 5th grade classrooms?? She’s out here navigating fractions and teaching the Our Changing Bodies book to a bunch of kids who still pick their noses and hide the evidence on the bottom of their desks. Fractions and puberty, people! The amount of serotonin her brain must be firing off at all times has to be astounding. And yet, it might be these calm, cool, collected vibes that are unwittingly giving the men permission to count her as a Cool Girl, and thus, treat her feelings with about as much care and concern as the half-eaten bag of chips they discarded in the backseats of their cars.

The other thing I’m realizing is that her eliminating the villains so early on might be to her detriment. If there’s one thing men love, it’s an evil to defeat and a girl to save. Sure, it’s an outdated patriarchal fantasy, but so is the blueprint of this show. As I said, The Bachelor(ette) functions like a hostage situation—without house drama and emotional warfare, how else are they supposed to romantically bond with a stranger in six weeks? They need a bad guy so that they can rally around their girl and prove that their feelings for said girl are more intense, more genuine, than than the bad guy’s feeling for her. What? Did she think they’d just be mature enough to express their emotions without some sort of instigating catalyst? Lol, that’s cute. 

Saturdays Sleepovers Are For The Boys

And with that, I bring our attention to the group date where this cool girl energy and lack of a villain circumstance reach a crescendo. I’m not sure how this group date was ever supposed to rouse amorous feelings, as it was definitely  inspired by the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen sleepover party circa 1995. That’s right: the theme of the group date is slumber party, complete with jammies and teddy bears. What could go wrong? 

I’m sure when Michelle was pitched this idea for a group date she envisioned sexy pillow fights, maybe a truth or dare game that ended in makeouts or a coy removal of clothing. Instead, the guys are going with more of a “pull my finger” kind of a vibe. Case in point, this entire scene:

MICHELLE:

THE MEN: Does anyone want to play duck, duck, goose?

DOES ANYONE WANT TO PLAY DUCK, DUCK, GOOSE. You have a beautiful, smart, scantily-clad human woman in your presence and you want to play duck, duck, goose? The men really make it hard to root for them. Not just on this show, but as a human race generally.

And where is Michelle in all of this? Watching the men play slap and tickle from the corner and probably wishing she had never had that fifth glass of wine at happy hour before applying for this show in the first place. 

Just when Michelle is ready to confront the men, ABC brings out the Bella Twins to host that pillow fight. Not now, Bella Twins! Can’t you read a room? The Bella Twins tell us that the men will be divided into teams and each team member will go head to head with an opposing team member in a pillow fight. The winning team gets alone time with Michelle. Wow, ABC literally always chooses violence, don’t they? Oh, did you think this was a slumber party? Sorry, you’re actually here to beat the shit out of someone with a giant Mr. Wiggles.

It should be noted that this combination of protective instincts and expression of strong feelings through outward bodily harm, is exactly the catalyst needed for the men to start giving a shit about their Bachelorette. I knew they’d figure it out eventually. But Michelle, it seems, is still not impressed. Instead of coming off like they need to win her affections, their actions seem more aligned with just winning in general. Shocking. 

Michelle is the first bachelorette to realize that men wrestling doesn’t help her find a husband… #TheBachelorette

— C. Money (@Lil_Vil) November 10, 2021

Look, are the men acting like immature idiots? Absolutely. But she did invite them to a sleepover and get them all hopped up on soda and junk food. Of course they regressed to 8th grade. She’s lucky she didn’t accidentally fall asleep in their presence. She might have woken up with her hand in a glass of water and pee all over that Skims set. Count your blessings where you can, Michelle!

More Clown Energy: Martin’s One-On-One

Michelle’s one-on-one with Martin goes just about as smoothly as the group date. The theme of the date is some sort of off-brand Fast & Furious tribute, because apparently ABC’s idea of mature, stable relationships involves hot cars and traffic violations. At first Michelle seems equally into the date. She tells us she wants a partner that will help her “live life on the edge” and she says this as if she doesn’t think a dangerous double life entails purposefully skipping lesson planning to fall asleep drinking Chardonnay in front of the TV. I can read you like a book, honey.

I have to admit, I don’t understand the sexual appeal of Martin. This feeling is only strengthened when he shows up to the date looking less like a romantic prospect and more like an extra from Buckwild. 

Boy, does he make it hard to root for him. 

I wish I could say the first strike on this date is to Martin’s distressed flannel, but sadly that comes later when the two settle in for a little post-racing hot tub soak. I’m using the term “hot tub” here very loosely because the thing they fold their bodies into is less of a hot tub and more of a large garbage can filled with water. Like, did they displace Oscar the Grouch for this date? How is this romantic??

Then Martin starts running his mouth about what a “hell of a man” Jamie was. Strike two. Apparently, Jamie and Martin were good friends in the house. At least that appears to be his justification for using his limited alone time with Michelle to question her decision to send Jamie home last week. 

Martin talking about Jamie…. #thebachelorette pic.twitter.com/3j4v0H2phk

— Feelin’ Thorny 🌹🥀 (@feelin_thorny) November 10, 2021

What’s worse is that Michelle has no place to go during this attack. He’s got her pinned to the other side of that garbage pail, swigging her champagne for some small outlet of release. Read the room, Martin! No one wants to hear about your bromance with a psychopath. 

Later, when Michelle confronts Martin about their tiff, he blames his aggression and shitty communication skills on his parents. Woooooow. How original. Look, if he’s going to blame his parents for his communication skills, he should throw some other things into that pile as well. His hair. His accessories. His fashion sense in general…

ME TO MARTIN AT ALL TIMES:

Michelle accepts this explanation for his behavior, but it’s not the head-over-heels devotion I’m sure her producer sold her on when she signed The Bachelorette contract. If anything, listening to a man complain about how his parents just really effed him up and honestly the trauma of surviving a traditional nuclear family is really why he can’t ever be fully in control of his emotions (you get that don’t you?), is cementing for her that the caliber of “eligible bachelors” this season really wasn’t any different than the state of her DMs in Minnesota. 

Precious Angels Of The Week: Olu & Rick

Though the men spent the majority of the episode proving my working theory that men aren’t shit (trademark pending), two of the guys managed to actually impress me. Olu was perhaps the only bright spot on the group date. When, during the cocktail portion of the evening, Michelle broke down in tears about these jackasses ignoring her, her speech took Olu out. I mean, his performance on that group date was giving human tear duct Ashely I a run for her money. 

Olu connected Michelle’s feelings to his four sisters back home and, okay, he did say sister far too much during that cocktail hour. He sibling-zoned the shit out of her and it’s grossing me out. 

MICHELLE: It means a lot to me that you would compare me to your sisters like that
ME: 

Look, sibling love isn’t my thing, but Michelle seems into it and Olu does seem heartfelt in his apology. He ends up getting the group date rose and a coveted spot in my Precious Angels of the Week. 

Rick also proved to not be complete trash this week (a tough feat, let me tell you). He scored the second one-on-one date, which immediately followed the abysmal group date. The two of them go hiking and share family trauma because what is a hike without blood, sweat, and tears? 

Michelle said she was extra excited for the date because Rick has always “seen” her. I think it helped that the two of them were literally the last people in that forest, so it was either pay attention to Michelle or make conversation with the redwoods. I like to stack the odds this way as well.

And the odds do pay off for her. By the end of their date, she finally feels like she’s being seen and makes a strong connection with the back of Rick’s throat. Ah, to be young and in love again. 

The Final Drama

As I mentioned earlier, Michelle has done a pretty good job of getting rid of all the villains before they have a chance to sow too much discord in the house. As I’ve also mentioned, this could be to her detriment. But never fear! Chris S is ready and willing to take up that role. God bless him.

Now, every Bachelorette villain has a brand: Luke P was the Jesus freak, Chad was the human embodiment of an FDA warning label for steroid abuse, Jamie was the master manipulator, and it looks like Chris S has decided to lean hard into the brand of the little incel who could. 

His strategy is much like Jamie’s in that he wants to create chaos amongst the men, but his reason for doing so is because he’s butt-hurt that Michelle isn’t giving him enough attention. His off-screen interviews reek of entitlement, as if he deserves her full attention for merely existing in her presence. He hears about the drama that went down at the group date’s private after party and makes the bold proclamation that he needs to get out his “white horse” and save Michelle. Dear god, I hope he’s not talking about his penis. Giddy up. 

I will say that Chris S’ ability to compartmentalize is absolutely astounding. He convinces himself that even though he was a participant during the part of the group date where her feelings were hurt, he wasn’t actually a part of the hurting of her feelings.

CHRIS S DURING THE ROSE CEREMONY: I don’t think these guys actually understand the way she feels and how upset she was.
CHRIS S DURING THE GROUP DATE: 

In an effort to make everyone understand how Michelle feels, he decides to give a toast at Michelle’s rose ceremony to speak about Michelle’s feelings while standing directly in front of Michelle. You cannot make this shit up. 

He’s like, “these guys think they have this in the bag” and then proceeds to single Nayte out specifically. STAND DOWN, LITTLE MAN. I know he’s not talking about my boyfriend Nayte like that and thinking I won’t throw metaphorical fists in this recap over it. 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by the bitchelorette (@bitchelorette_)

Here’s how I know Nayte is a good guy: when he confronts Chris about spreading lies the worst thing he calls Chris is a “dweeb.” A DWEEB! These are iCarly level insults and it’s so cute. 

In the end, Michelle doesn’t take much stock in the “they have this in the bag” accusation because she gives Nayte a rose. But she also doesn’t consider how malicious Chris S’ intentions are because she gives him a rose as well. Or maybe she doesn’t care about his intentions. Maybe she realized these men need a little bad guy to rally against if she’s ever going to elicit any feeling out of these idiots. Whatever the case, we’ll have to wait until next week to see how part two of the Nayte/Chris S showdown plays out. Until then!

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (4); ABC (1); @bitchelorette_ /Instagram (1); @lil_vil /Twitter (1); @feelin_thorny /Twitter (1)

Welcome back to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! Last week’s episode was certainly in keeping with the Halloween theme, as I’ve never been more scared for the public school systems than after watching grown adults butcher basic trivia questions. Spooky. What’s scarier? Learning that Jamie, a man whose under-eye bags you can see from space, is only one year older than me. I’m already haunted by my bad decisions from last weekend, don’t further traumatize me, ABC, by showing me this ghost of Christmas future! Excuse me while I go drown myself and my burgeoning fine lines in the leftover Halloween candy…

And it looks like I’m not the only one being haunted by Jamie! Michelle continues to struggle after last week’s rose ceremony when Jamie revealed that the men were questioning her “character” after she decided to keep Joe around for another week. To those of us in the audience, we know this to be a lie. None of the men were actually talking about this. But he tells Michelle that he heard from a producer friend back home that she was “boo’d up” with a “light-skinned baller” before even coming on the show, insinuating that she and Joe were already an item and just wasting everyone’s time. Honestly, I think the real crime is that Jamie continues to use the term “boo’d up” with a straight face as he barrels right into his mid-30s. 

As Michelle preps for the week she says that she doesn’t know who to trust anymore. She just wants to know who still believes in her. Believes in you? Oh, honey. Look around you! I have a feeling the only “strong beliefs” they have in this world are in Bitcoin and their hair gel. I have more trust in my astrological sign than I do in these guys giving a shit about your character. 

The Adventures Of Dough Boy & Little Willie

Let’s talk about the first group date of the week, which was Top Gun themed. Why Top Gun? Because ABC practically foams at the mouth at any opportunity to collab and increase their capital. Also, I just think they wanted to watch people throw up on that spinny thing. 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by The Bachelorette (@bacheloretteabc)

Michelle says that she wants to find her maverick and thus will be hosting a maverick-themed competition judged by actors in the new remake of Top Gun: Jay Ellis and Glen Powell. This date boggles my mind. She’s making them compete for a fake pilot title and have the competition be judged by fake pilots with no actual pilot experience. WHAT IS THIS DATE?! These men aren’t mavericks! They read lines off a piece of paper and have a personal assistants hold their Juuls to their lips when they need a hit. My god, Pilot Pete has more credibility in judging this date—and he would have to run his ruling by Barb first!

So what makes you a “maverick”? How good your fake pilot nickname is. Will and Pizza Peter (who got into some beef during last week’s episode) manage to come up with names that a fifth grade bully would use to belittle you behind the swing set: Little Willie and Dough Boy.

In addition to heinous nicknames, the guys will also have to compete in flight-themed drills and survive a g-force simulator as they profess their love to Michelle. The men act as if conquering the g-force simulator is on the same level as a Middle Earth quest to return the ring to Mordor. You guys, they literally had that apparatus at my playground growing up. I’m not impressed. 

Little Willie ends up scoring the Maverick title, but the real competition occurs during the cocktail after-party when Little Willie and Dough Boy face off for round two. Dough Boy is pissed that Little Willie called him a narcissist last week and bested him with a stick in the maverick games. Yes, there’s more to their feud. No, I can’t go into any more details than that as my brain cells are literally flaking into dust with every word I type. 

MICHELLE: I just love what a mature group of men I have here
DOUGH BOY: 

I honestly find nothing more tragic than the fact that the guy who owns a pizzeria and brought cannolis and red wine on the first night is actually a blight on the human race instead of being Jesus Christ himself. 

Dough Boy and Little Willie spend the entirety of the cocktail party verbally sparring—that is, if comments like “bro you hate my mouth because you wish you had it” count as “sparring.” The stakes get even higher when Dough Boy throws Little Willie’s bomber jacket into the pool and Little Willie cries about it in the corner. Wait, what’s the sound? Oh right. Just my Masters’ degree physically quaking at having to type that sentence. 

In the end, it’s neither Dough Boy nor Little Willie who gets the group date rose. Instead, Martin gets that honor. I’m shocked by this development. Martin seems cool and all but Michelle can’t be serious about this guy… right?? She’s like “he has so many sides to him!” Yes, and is one of those sides is James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers. 

Tell me this isn’t the same energy!! Is this really the father of your future kids, Michelle? Is it??

Best Boyfriend Material: Rodney & Nayte

And now for a scheduled break in your programming to rave about my two favorite men this season: Rodney and Nayte. Am I wrong or are these the only two men worth Michelle’s time and attention? (I’m not wrong). Rodney scored the only one-on-one date of the week and proved that he is an Earth angel that deserves to be protected at all costs. For some reason the guys in the house don’t think of Rodney as a threat and that’s to their detriment. Not only did Rodney literally never stop smiling during their date (even when Michelle forced him to run naked around the hotel complex for ABC’s sick enjoyment), but he also had the audacity to ask Michelle personal questions about herself. Imagine! What a guy! 

Michelle reveals some pretty personal stories about herself, including delving into an old wound with a past relationship. She describes a moment when a stranger called her the N word to her face and her boyfriend at the time wasn’t supportive of her hurt feelings. Even with how heavy and personal the story is the two of them—who are virtual strangers, mind you—-handle this with easy, open communication. Is this what a healthy relationship looks like? I absolutely must stan.

And then there’s Nayte. I don’t mention him much in my recaps because I tend to focus on the absurd and unhinged (like calls to like and all of that). Nayte has consistently been a shining star this season. Every episode he finds a moment to sweep Michelle completely off her feet and, when possible, removes himself from any house drama. He’s so cute I’ll even forgive him for his excessive accessorizing. Watch out for these ones, y’all, I think we have some front runners on our hands…

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by the bitchelorette (@bitchelorette_)

Jamie Digs His Own Grave

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. What is there to even say? I never should have trusted a man with a good first impression. Last week Jamie and Michelle hit it off during their one-on-one date, but by the end of the episode Jamie had revealed his true form: a chaos demon who was summoned in the bowels of ABC studios by an overly ambitious producer. Seriously, where do they find these monsters?

Jamie spent most of the episode acting like a smug asshole and just generally digging his own grave in the confessionals. He wound up on the second group date which involved the men performing spoken word poetry. While the rest of the men showed surprising depth for a group who show that much ankle on a regular basis, Jamie’s poetry was almost word-for-word a Vanessa Carleton song. The assignment was to be vulnerable not to talk about making your way downtown, walking fast, faces pass and you’re homebound. 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by the bitchelorette (@bitchelorette_)

Later, Jamie took personal offense when Michelle offered Brendan the group date rose. By “personal offense” I mean he openly talked shit about Michelle to a producer after the group date ended. He’s like, “you’re telling me that Brendan and I are in the same league? Is this a fucking joke?” and then proceeds to laugh maniacally directly into the cameras. God, he’s a fucking moron. How does he this footage won’t air? THOSE THINGS WITH RED LIGHTS ON ARE CAMERAS, BUDDY. 

If that scene made your blood boil then just wait until the rose ceremony. I’ve seen gladiatorial rings handle their differences with more decorum than what happened here tonight. With the men still on edge from the last rose ceremony, Rick takes it upon himself to ask Michelle who confronted her with these supposed house rumors. 

MICHELLE: Jamie told me you guys think I’m a piece of shit
ME ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:

Once again I say, Nayte is a SAINT. While the rest of the guys are ready to tear Jamie limb from limb and bake his remains into one of Pizza Pete’s pies, Nayte would like all of us to just calm down, take it easy. Let’s hear it from the source first. Boo, you whore. 

Once confronted, it all starts to fall apart for Jamie. As it turns out, his spoken word poetry has more of a narrative arc than the story he fed Michelle about mysterious “men” passing judgement on her character. At one point Jamie says something about episodes and how things would look once the season aired and Nayte’s like “why are we talking about episodes!” WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT EPISODES. I screamed. See, this is what I watch this show for. 

Jamie tries to save face by actively hashing it out with Michelle IN FRONT OF THE OTHER MEN. My favorite is when Michelle starts parroting back his questions. You know when a teacher starts asking rhetorical questions you’re about to get your ass handed to you. She takes Jamie out back to finish the verbal skewering started at the rose ceremony and ultimately sends him home. You love to see it. 

We end things with a rose ceremony elimination: Spencer, Mollique, LT, and Pizza Peter all get sent home. Until next week!

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (2); The Ringer (1); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1); @bitchelorette_ /Instagram (2)

Welcome back to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! Last week was the official kickoff to Michelle Young’s season. If you thought just because Michelle is poised, mature, and sexy, that the caliber of men would rise beyond “spank me with a yardstick” gimmicks and weenie bikinis—then obviously you don’t know this franchise as well as I do. God, it’s good to be home. 

They Aren’t Smarter Than A 5th Grader

Ah, I see we’re still going to be milking the “hot for teacher” theme for as long as we can. I love that the ABC creative team has the critical thinking skills of a pine cone. Carry on.

For Michelle’s first group date, the men must compete in a Quiz Bowl. There will be math questions, spelling questions, science experiments, a game of wits (musical chairs), all judged by three precocious squirts who can’t be more than 10. I’m sorry, I thought the goal of these dates was to make these men seem more desirable? Not to have their intelligence owned by a mouth breather on national television. 

Once again, the children remain the standout stars of this season. Despite the men’s best efforts, they’re giving me crumbs compared to the star power that is little Mia. She can barely contain her disgust for these adult men fumbling through basic spelling, and I’m LIVING for it. She takes particular beef with Pizza Peter, who spends the entirety of the date acting like he has the maturity of a Slinky.

At one point, Pizza Peter tries to get Michelle’s attention by whisper-yelling her name nonstop until she acknowledges him (where is the principal’s office when you need it?), to which Mia yells with all the force of a beleaguered woman twice her age who has maybe seen some shit: “LEAVE HER ALONE MY GOD!” Simply iconic. 

Little Mia isn’t the only one who has it out for Peter. Peter was probably the kind of kid who made his teachers want to drink heavily on a Tuesday—and it shows. He treats musical chairs as if it’s a game in a gladiatorial ring where the only outcomes are survival or mauling by rabid hyenas. I’ve seen less bodily harm come out of an actual bar fight. Have some class, Peter! There are children in the room!

THE KIDS: Spell “narcissist”
WILL: 

ME TO MY DOG, ALONE ON MY COUCH:

Unfortunately, the cocktail portion of the evening fares no better. Instead of “hot date night” the evening is giving us more “we need to talk about Jimmy ” parent-teacher conference vibes. It’s like Michelle cannot turn off the teacher side of herself. Brandon, to his credit, does try to steer the conversation toward more romantic avenues and Michelle’s like, “yeah, yeah, but first let’s talk about your spelling.” My god! The man is trying to woo you, and you’re thinking about the kind of study packet that would best suit his learning style. Take the day off!

Meanwhile, Tiger King and Miami Vice over here are throwing fists over chardonnay. Jesus Christ, can we not have one nice evening, people? Will and Peter are still arguing about the spelling burn from earlier in the date, proving they have the the decorum of a Jäger bomb. The woman just spent all day teaching; let her drink her glass of wine in peace!

Michelle catches wind of the fight and asks Peter about his role in it. He’s like, “that was really out of character for me.” Yeah, see, I’d believe you more if you weren’t dressed like a guy whose personality is more chaotic than an Electric Zoo festival. Send him home, Michelle. The only future this guy has is at the center of a news story about a guy farting into pizza dough for TikTok views. 

Jamie’s One-On-One Date

Jamie scores the first one-on-one date of the week: a rock climbing adventure in Joshua Tree. I guess this date is supposed to be a metaphor for relationships: it’s hard and scary and trying to master one could lead you to an early death in a rocky ravine. Finally, a date that makes sense! 

Despite this being Michelle’s date that she seemingly picked out, or at least had some sort of creative say in, she’s terrified of mountain climbing. She’s acting like this is 127 Hours, not an influencer’s wet dream. You’re in Joshua Tree. The worst thing that can happen to you there is that you wear an athleisure set that doesn’t match.  

Later, Jamie reveals that his mother struggled with mental health issues. After a brutal description of his childhood, he reveals that she died by suicide when he was 24. This is DEEP. It almost feels sacrilegious to air this footage mere moments after a man in a banana print shirt yelled about being embarrassed in front of children. 

Personally, I’m not sure how I would handle hearing a story like this on a first date, but Michelle handles it beautifully. She’s like, “I don’t really know you, but I’m proud of you” and I love that she went into teacher mode for this. She could have said “thank you for sharing” or “thank you for your vulnerability” but that’s the producer-approved answer. This feels more honest. Emotionally, these two are already at third base. Can’t wait to see what their future holds!

Love & Basketball

The second group date graduates the men from elementary school to high school. Miss Young has left the building and Coach Young is ready to turn boys into men on this basketball court. She’s joined by two of her pals in the WNBA. First of all, I want to meet Monica Wright McCall or no player at all. Second of all, the amount of confident athletic prowess wafting off these women is staggering. You can tell these emotionally stunted barn animals posing as eligible bachelors don’t know whether to be aroused or scared. (The correct answer is both). 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by the bitchelorette (@bitchelorette_)

Joe has never looked hotter to me than on this group date. Michelle says that he looks “at home” on the court, and by that I think she means his ass looks at home in those basketball shorts. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, girlfriend. 

We learn that Joe was crowned Mr. Basketball, which seems an unfair advantage given that the winners of this basketball game get alone time with Michelle. Sadly for Joe, he has Pardeep on his team, whose idea of a free throw is to granny-shot the ball in the basketball net’s general vicinity. Don’t worry, Pardeep, your air balls will only live on for eternity on the internet!

JOE: *somehow lands on the losing team*
TAYSHIA: Actually!! We’re giving out an MVP award to someone who got our panties wet was the most valuable player: Joe!!

Well, that’s certainly one way to measure “value.”

Joe and Michelle are hitting it off at the cocktail party. It might as well be a one-on-one date for the amount of time she spends with anyone else. Michelle says that she’s never felt chemistry this off the charts before with another person, and it’s like, is that there’s chemistry or is it that he ghosted you once and now you’re high off validation? Be honest. 

Joe ends up scoring the group date rose and a new target on his back. He should have realized nobody likes a winner.

The Rose Ceremony

The rose ceremony is full of shocking twists. For one, I was not aware that an ear piercing was a requirement before coming on this season. There are so many earrings in this room, I feel like I just walked into Claire’s. 

And then there’s Jamie. Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. Just when I was starting to root for you and your under-eye bags. It’s clear from the moment the cocktail party begins that Jamie woke up today and chose violence. He hears that Joe is a top contender, and instead of feeling secure in his relationship—AND THE ROSE HE ALREADY HAS—he decides to cause chaos at the rose ceremony. 

He tells Michelle that “the guys” have been talking and “the guys” think Michelle has been shady about her relationship with Joe. It’s just what he heard around the water cooler. It’s just what “the guys” are saying. I’m pretty sure middle school girls are more subtle in their warfare. 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by the bitchelorette (@bitchelorette_)

The thing is, Jamie is being so stupid. He had such a great date! He already had a rose! Why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut? And Michelle! Why is she making such a big deal about this? She doesn’t need to explain herself to anyone. Plus, she and Joe didn’t actually date before the show. As my mother tells me every time I update her on my love life: DMs don’t count. 

Michelle calls the class to homeroom to set the record straight, and WOW does she handle her shit well. She handled that like a SAINT. She calmly delivers all the facts. How she exchanged two messages with Joe, how he ghosted her, how she never met him in person before that first night. You can tell the guys have no fucking idea what she’s talking about. She’s like “any questions?” and the room is still trying to process why DMing someone is a crime. 

MICHELLE: This is a conversation, there shouldn’t be silence right now.

HAHAHA. God, she is such a teacher. Michelle, you can’t just wait for them to decide to participate in class discussions. Don’t you know you have to elicit that response by randomly calling on people until one of them caves in fear? That’s Teaching 101! 

Michelle cancels the cocktail party because she’s had enough with these guys. Oh honey, it’s only week two. I do love how much the guys pout when they don’t get a rose ceremony. They’re like, “what? We have to rely on our good looks to get us through the next round?” Of course, you idiots! We barely wanted to see your personality at this stage in the game anyway. This is bad news for Alec, Pardeep, Daniel, and PJ, who are all going home. It appears their attractiveness does know some bounds. Better luck next time, boys. 

And that’s all she wrote! See you hoes next week!

Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; Giphy (3); ABC (1); @thebitchelorette_ /Instagram (2)