Happy Monday, gang! Today is the 33rd birthday of Vanderpump Rules’ Scheana Shay. Marie? Whatever. I’ll give you all a moment to call in sick in honor of the 75 degree weather this holiday. While Scheana has the same three careers of most LA residents (actor, singer, waitress), she’s better known for her work as a professional Delusional Dater. TBH, it’s unclear whether Scheana needs an intervention or a lifetime achievement award when it comes to her delusional behavior. But I’m compiling a rundown of her most deluded moments either way. Without further ado, a list of all the times you wanted to reach into your TV and slap some sense into Scheana. Happy birthday!
Season 1: Scheana The Delusional Mistress
As you may remember from Season 1, Scheana dated Eddie Cibrian, then-husband of RHOBH star Brandi Glanville, back in 2006. What takes this episode from “being a bad person” to “being delusional AF” is that she claims not to have known he was married. Again, she’s dating an actor who’s married to a future Real Housewives star. Not exactly people known for keeping their private lives private. And yet it takes her “six to eight months” into dating to “find out.” Oh, and she takes him back when he says he’s actually “separated.” Because really, why would he lie?? Great instincts.
As an added bonus, Scheana throws a fit when Lisa bans her from a dinner with Brandy Glanville in attendance. This isn’t John Tucker Must Die, Scheana. It’s kind of common courtesy not to invite your guests’ husbands’ mistresses to dinner parties.
Season 2: Scheana The Delusional Invalid
As delusional behavior goes, this is a minor offense, but still extremely funny. Scheana opens season 2 after having oral surgery and giving Stassi the silent treatment for not having called. Stassi neither gives a shit nor acknowledges that there’s anything to give a shit about, all season long. It’s glorious. But of course, that means the screaming monster inside Scheana’s head that needs attention hasn’t been fulfilled. So Scheana announces a foot injury. When this, too, does nothing but annoy people, Scheana suddenly has an eye injury. All injuries magically heal after administration of 30 seconds of Lisa Vanderpump telling her to grow TF up. Funny how that works. My only regret is that Lisa stopped this before Scheana came into SUR wearing the neck brace she definitely ordered.
(In case it’s unclear why this counts as a delusional episode, consider that this is a 29-year-old woman claiming three distinct injuries in as many episodes. These are the excuses of a third grader trying to stay home from school, and it’s confusing why Scheana thinks Lisa’s that dumb.)
Season 3: Scheana The Delusional Wedding Planner
Between her impending wedding and Stassi alienating all her friends, Scheana’s confidence is at an all-time high here. This leads to many deluded moments, like designing a crop top wedding dress and choreographing the reception. My favorite moments, however, are when Scheana tries desperately to chip away at Stassi’s hold on the group. This is best exemplified on her bachelorette trip to Miami, which Stassi doesn’t attend. So Scheana spends the whole trip loudly saying subtle shit like, “it’s so nice when CERTAIN PEOPLE aren’t here.” Sadly, I really think she hoped if she made the trip fun enough, they wouldn’t all run back to Stassi the second she decided to pick up their calls. Sorry Scheana, that’s not how girl world works.
Seasons 4-5: Scheana The Delusional Wife
You all know about this particular delusion, and it’s pretty sad so I won’t dwell on it long. Despite the fact that Shay seems chronically depressed and occasionally disappears for days, Scheana insists they’re fine. He eventually confesses to her that he’s addicted to opioids. Scheana is devastated, but decides this can be turned around by working out and having Sandoval make them egg whites. This leads to a series of very painful episodes where Scheana tries to get Shay to act like nothing is wrong. She makes him go out and party with her friends, tells him she wants a fun husband who drinks, and forces Shay to make a confession about his drug use to the group. (The group’s joint effort to pretend they considered Shay a friend is both heartwarming and deeply cringeworthy.)
Lisa gently reminds her that there are rehab facilities filled with professionals for this type of issue. Scheana’s rebuttal is that she’s making Shay pee in a cup at home. Later, she finds out he’s spent a bunch of their money buying more drugs (I’m sorry, but duh). Shay continues to lie to her about it (I’m sorry, but double duh). In her one shining moment of VPR clarity, Scheana finally demands a divorce.
Season 6: Scheana The Delusional Girlfriend
Finally, the Scheana you all know and love, girlfriend of Rob Valletta, future mother of Madison Marie Parks-Valletta. Let’s recount Scheana’s absurd Rob statements this season. There’s the story (repeated three to five times per episode) of how he assembled a TV in seven minutes (while she timed him!). There’s the general praise of Rob’s status as Platonic Ideal of Man, including a giant penis, ability to both fix a boat and water-ski behind it, and foresight to buy real estate large enough to accommodate all her bratty friends. Then there’s the insistence that he never could have kissed another girl at Toca Madera, because “Rob doesn’t like kissing.” Also, there’s the time Scheana said “I love you,” blankly stared at him for five minutes, laughed, and walked away. Yikes. I think the pause here was her brainwashing herself into thinking he said it back.
I’ll wrap it up with my favorite exchange of Scheana’s Rob-related delusion. She’s rooming with Lala in Mexico, and Lala gets flowers from her boyfriend. Scheana immediately gets competitive and FaceTimes Rob, who basically says “please stop calling” and hangs up. In the next room, Lala asks if Rob ever sends her flowers. “I don’t like flowers,” she says. Gifts? “I don’t like gifts.” While it might seem like Lala is kind of badgering Scheana here, I honestly think it was a kindness. They all just recently watched Rob around Scheana acting like he kind of hated her. Then he essentially hung up on her. If Scheana had been like, “oh no I have $10,000 worth of merchandise in gifts,” that would have given the world something to go on. Instead, she said “I hate all gifts.”
In a final bit of delusional news, Scheana now thinks she should have her own spin-off reality show. She’s quoted as saying “with my life in Vegas right now, there’s just so many interesting aspects to everything I’m doing out there, and the group of people I hang out with.” Pro tip, Scheana: if you’re angling for a reality show, maybe don’t make your Instagram stories a second by second replay of exactly how boring your life is. And once again, happy birthday!
Images: Giphy (5)
Scheana Shay and Rob Valletta are a confusing couple for many reasons. Mostly, for the reason that he seems to barely tolerate her while she worships him like a tiny, water-sporting god. Their timeline, however, is nearly as confusing as why either of them stays in this relationship. On Monday night’s episode (recap here), Rob announced that he and Scheana have been “dating for 10 years.” His definition of dating seems admittedly flawed, given his addition that “she was married for six, so we weren’t talking.” But then again, marriage has not historically been a dealbreaker for Scheana, dating-wise, so Rob’s comment seems worth investigating. Here’s a definitive timeline of Scheana Shay’s relationships.
John Mayer
John Mayer has dated everyone from Taylor Swift to Kim Kardashian (literally), so this is less than surprising. But yes, our very own Scheana Marie had a brief (under a month) fling with Mayer back in 2009. According to the Daily News, Mayer broke it off because she was too public about their relationship. Specifically, she called him “like, a dork” to Young Hollywood, and Mayer dumped her immediately, demonstrating his Arie-level sensitivity. The rest of the John Mayer coverage is pretty good evidence that Bravo ran out of ideas 5 years ago. (Tarot card readings and ruined birthdays are heavily featured.) Mayer’s reps also apparently suggested that Scheana was “delusional” and the singer “laughed off all of this.” Ouch, but kind of seems legit?
Eddie Cibrian
In 2013, Scheana says she met Eddie “seven years ago” (2006, for the mathematically challenged). “Six or eight months” after that, she temporarily broke it off when the whole “he’s married” thing first came up. But then, “one night after work” (thanks for the attention to detail, Scheana, I need DATES), they make up. You know the drill: boy says his marriage is over, girl knows he’s lying, girl sleeps with him anyway. Romantic stuff. “Shortly” after that, Scheana reads more about his marriage, gets pouty, and ends things for good. (A different article cites their relationship as 2006-2009. So I guess homeboy put over a year between the “I’m married” conversation and the “not really tho” follow-up. Bold.)
Is this information as helpful as, say, timestamped screenshots? No. But that’s 2006 for you. At least we can add to the extensive pile of evidence that she has always been a delusional dater.
Michael Shay
Technically, Shay should be listed first. The two met in high school, where she was a cheerleader (of course) and he was a football player (really?). The couple married in July 2014, and divorced in November 2016. According to most timelines, they’d been dating for three years when they got married—giving Scheana plenty of time between 2009 and 2011 for that fictitious relationship with Rob. I’d devote more time to this section, but it was literally a televised event for five years. Keep up.
Rob Valletta
Now we get to the interesting part. According to this Page Six article (v legit), Scheana claims to have met her boyfriend 10 years ago, in 2006. Even back then, Scheana remembers being desperately thirsty smitten, claiming she broke things off because Rob was “the guy you marry, not the guy you casually date at 21.” However, you’ll recall from like, two paragraphs ago that 2006 is also the year Scheana met Eddie Cibrian. So let’s just say it’s possible that that was more of a factor in their breakup.
As for the years between 2006 and 2017? There’s literally almost nothing. A random source claims the two “supported each other through the years,” but like, the same could be said of my ADD and anxiety. It doesn’t mean two people even like each other. Valletta says similarly meaningless crap, like this week’s announcement that he and Scheana “have cared for and supported each other for 12 years.” (Again, 2018–12 = 2006, so they’re really getting their stories straight on the year at least.)
As we all know, Scheana and Rob broke up in October 2017. So it seems like they at least had significant overlap with Eddie Cibrian—but not much else is clear. More than anything else, I’ve learned that “facts” and “Scheana Shay’s relationships” do not mix. It’s partially because Scheana paints fiction over her past to go with whatever relationship she’s currently in (e.g. saying she was thinking of Rob on her wedding day with Shay). And it’s partially because half of Scheana’s affairs are so scandal-ridden that the men refuse to comment. But mostly, it’s for the same reason that mapping out your relationship with your first-ever freshman hookup would be impossible. Two hot people who keep each other in their lives as long as they continue finding each other hot tend to have a messy paper trail. I have a feeling Scheana and Rob fit that description.
Images: Giphy (3); Rob Valletta / Instagram
