In case you were just out yesterday living your best news-free life in the last few weeks of summer, allow us to update you on the Kardashian-level drama that dropped in on the White House. Two people very close to Trump and supporting actors in the soap opera that is our country, Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen, are now facing prison time. This means Trump should be nervous as hell right now and we should all break out the popcorn. 

First, in Virginia, we’ve got Manafort. Trump’s former campaign manager was found guilty yesterday of tax evasion and bank fraud. Minutes after, in New York, Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to tax evasion and campaign finance violations. To add a cherry on top, Cohen admitted he made all those unlawful contributions (specifically to silence women who `had criminally hot-goss on Trump) “at the direction of a political candidate.” Who could this candidate be, I wonder?

What does all this actually mean for our president? His personal lawyer pleaded guilty and his campaign manager was convicted. I’m not a detective, but this isn’t a great look. Besides just the fact that people incredibly close to him were breaking the law, this is the first time Trump has been attached to anything potentially criminal as president. Before yesterday, the investigation into Russian interference with our election was focused on people on the edges of Trump. Cohen’s confession that he was following the orders of the president by using campaign finances to pay off a porn star and a former playboy model now paves a clear path to actually implicating Trump. 

Regardless of how the president tries to frame all of this on his Twitter or at his rallies, referring to Manafort as a “good man” and calling the investigation a McCarthyism throwback “witch hunt,” Cohen’s guilty plea and Manafort’s conviction mean Trump is walking on some seriously shady eggshells right now. Elizabeth Warren, Massachusetts senator and possible 2020 candidate, released an anti-corruption platform Tuesday. She added that the era of Trump “has given us the most nakedly corrupt leadership this nation has seen in our lifetimes.” 

If we’ve learned anything about Trump so far, though, we know he was born without a sense of shame and he’s not afraid to fight back when it’s clear to everyone (ok, just the majority of the country) that he’s wrong. The next step could possibly be pardoning Manafort or revoking more security clearances, but his behavior has been unpredictable so far. The good news is, yesterday led us closer than ever to the truth. In a time when facts are alternative, the undeniable evidence in these cases with tapes, recordings, and documents are key. Don’t pop the champagne yet, but maybe put it on ice.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

The running theme of Michael Cohen, personal attorney to President Trump and former Executive Vice President at the Trump organization, has been ride-or-die loyalty to all that is The Donald. In a bros-before-hoes frat boy declaration, Cohen once declared that he would “take a bullet” for Trump, which is pretty impressive considering not even all members of the secret service were prepared to die for him 

During George Stephanopoulos’ ABC interview Saturday night at the Manhattan hotel where Cohen has been living, his loyalty seemed to be waning. Speculations that Cohen could flip have been floating around since April, when the FBI raided his offices and homes. The President, of course, couldn’t resist offering up his own opinion, tweeting in April that “most people will flip if the government lets them out of trouble, even if it means lying or making up stories. Sorry, I don’t see Michael doing that.” Sorry, but we’ll see about that.

Cohen Says His Loyalty is To His Family

When Cohen was asked directly who he would choose if prosecutors forced him to protect either President Trump or his family, Cohen said that his family is “his first priority.” What about taking a bullet for your boy, Cohen? When Stephanopoulos reminded him of his bullet vow, Cohen said, “To be crystal clear, my wife, my daughter and my son, and this country have my first loyalty.”

No Compliments for Trump

Cohen was sure not to praise the president at all during the interview, and he even dared to criticize the way that Trump has been publicly resisting the federal investigations. He defended his own cooperation by adding, “Once I understand what charges might be filed against me, if any at all, I will defer to my new counsel, Guy Petrillo, for guidance.” 

He Won’t Be a Punching Bag

Cohen emphasized that everything he says during the investigation will not be out of loyalty to Trump, but rather the advice of his lawyer, Guy Petrillo. Once Petrillo formerly assumes his position, the previous joint defense agreement between Trump and Cohen is over. This means that Trump and Cohen’s lawyers will no longer be allowed to share documents or other information with each other, and they could start playing real dirty. When asked what he’ll do if Trump’s legal team attempts to undermine his previous work to protect the president, Cohen said, “I will not be a punching bag as part of anyone’s defense strategy. I am not a villain of this story, and I will not allow others to try to depict me that way.”

He Changed His Tune on Stormy Daniels

The one thing we’re all interested in: the $130,000 payment Cohen gave to porn star Stephanie Clifford, aka Stormy Daniels nearly two weeks before the 2016 election so that she would keep quiet. The transaction could possibly be a violation of campaign finance law, which would mean bad things for Cohen. When asked before if Trump told him to pay Stormy off and promised to pay him back, Cohen said he acted on his own will. Not anymore, though. Cohen said “I want to answer. One day I will answer. But for now, I can’t comment further on advice of my counsel.” All I can gather from this is that Trump and Cohen were at brunch and Trump was like, “Hey can you cover up a porn star affair for me? I’ll just venmo you.” He never venmo’d.

He Respects the FBI and The Mueller Investigation

Trump called the FBI break-in of Cohen’s home, “attack on our country, in a true sense. It’s an attack on what we all stand for.” Cohen, however, disagreed. “I don’t agree with those who demonize or vilify the FBI. I respect the FBI as an institution, as well as their agents.” He also refused to call the Mueller investigation a “witch hunt.” “As an American,” he said, “I repudiate Russia’s or any other foreign government’s attempt to interfere or meddle in our democratic process, and I would call on all Americans to do the same.” 

He Just Wants His Life Back

Cohen said he hopes the interview is the first steps toward regaining his name, reputation and life back. Cough up the details on Stormy, and maybe we’ll be with you, Mike. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!ai

Here’s the thing about Stormy Daniels’ lawyer: he’s hot. He’s got that whole lawyer in the streets, daddy in the sheets look going on. Not to mention, a jaw sculpted by the gods themselves. A silver fox, if you will. Are you guys getting what I’m saying? He’s hot. Is that clear? Great. Now that we’re all on the same page, here is a roundup of times we fell in love with Michael Avenatti. His name is Michael Avenatti, by the way. But you can just call him zaddy.

When He Went On Air And Told Michael Cohen to Release His Financial Documents

Avenatti urges Michael Cohen to release his financial documents if he's so innocent. #Hardball #ctl #p2 pic.twitter.com/o9rqzJUUby

— PoliticusUSA (@politicususa) May 10, 2018

Please write “this whole thing stinks” on my grave.

When He @’d Fox And Friends

Whatever happens @foxandfriends, please do not stop helping our case week in and week out by having Mr. Trump and Mr. Giuliani appear and make damaging stmts. You are truly THE BEST; where can we send the gift basket? #basta

— Michael Avenatti (@MichaelAvenatti) May 3, 2018

Love a man who can talk shit on Twitter.

He Made #Basta A Thing

Let Michael Avenatti handle this! He will #Basta them.
Our #BastaCap Italian. pic.twitter.com/A1gzmbZuuP

— Paul van der Meer (@Paul_VanDerMeer) May 10, 2018

“Basta” is Italian for “enough” or “stop it” or “cut the shit, you idiots.” Michael Avenatti started using the hashtag on Twitter, and now has been seen sporting it on custom baseball cap. There is a word for that and it is I-CON-IC.

Well, that’s all the groundbreaking journalism I have for you today. When people start talking about the news at happy hour today, chime in with what you learned here: Stormy Daniels’ hot lawyer is hot.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Since being added to the game of musical chairs otherwise known as the president’s legal defense team, Rudy Giuliani has embarked on a media tour that is either evidence of a psychotic break, a secret plot to get Trump impeached (a girl can dream), or a desperate attempt to steal the media spotlight from Kanye West and Kim Kardashian-West – I mean, Jong-Un. While Giuliani’s interviews are objectively hilarious, I assume you have better things to stream than Fox & Friends all day. (Congrats! You have more to do than the president!) Because we still want you to be able to talk shit about Giuliani with your coworkers, we recapped ten of the most outlandish claims he’s made to the press this week. Let the crazy Giuliani quotes begin.

1. The First Admission: Trump Reimbursed Cohen for Paying Stormy

An oldie but a goodie. Giuliani began his media circuit last Wednesday with a Fox interview with Sean Hannity. In the exchange below, America’s Mayor admitted that Donald Trump reimbursed Michael Cohen for the $130k he paid to keep Stormy quiet about her affair with the president.

GIULIANI: Having something to do with paying some Stormy Daniels woman $130,000? Which, I mean, is going to turn out to be perfectly legal. That money was not campaign money. Sorry, I’m giving you a fact now that you don’t know. It’s not campaign money. No campaign finance violation.

HANNITY: They funneled it through a law firm.

GIULIANI: They funneled through a law firm, and the president repaid it.

HANNITY: …Oh. I didn’t know that. He did.

GIULIANI: Yep.

So, Trump’s months of denials that he paid for Stormy’s silence were basically a huge lie? Yep! The fact that the president’s lawyer couldn’t even get through a Fox News interview without incriminating himself says a lot.

2. Very Regular Bribery

In the same interview, excerpted below, Giuliani repeatedly insists that paying off your client’s alleged mistress is a “very regular thing” for lawyers. Sure, super normal, not like lawyers are supposed to abide by the laws that make corruption illegal or anything.

“The settlement payment, which is a very regular thing for lawyers to do. The question there was, the only possible violation there would be: Was it a campaign finance violation? Which usually results in a fine, by the way, not this big stormtroopers coming in and breaking down his apartment and breaking down his office. That was money that was paid by his lawyer, the way I would do, out of his law firm funds or whatever funds — it doesn’t matter.”

Yes Rudy, it totally doesn’t matter what funds were used to hide information about a presidential candidates’ alleged mistress from the voting public. Also, seems like a great idea to admit you would do the exact same thing Michael Cohen is currently being investigated for!

3. Everyone Loves Michael Cohen

Giuliani and Hannity then spent a few minutes gushing about their shared love of Michael Cohen. Cute.

GIULIANI: I like Michael a lot, you like Michael a lot —

HANNITY: I’ve known him a long time.

GIULIANI: I feel very bad he’s been victimized like this. The president feels even worse.

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by the fake news media!

4. Very Busy People

When asked if Trump knew exactly what he was paying Michael Cohen for, Giuliani claimed that Cohen probably didn’t give Trump the specifics, because lawyers like Cohen and Giuliani don’t want to bother their incredibly busy clients with unimportant details about what they’re being paid for. It must be nice when your lawyer takes care of minor obstacles like a porn star who claims you had an extramarital affair, and doesn’t interrupt your busy schedule of other affairs and colluding with foreign governments to tell you about it!

He didn’t know about the specifics of it, as far as I know. But he did know about the general arrangement, that Michael would take care of things like this. Like, I take care of this with my clients. I don’t burden them with every single thing that comes along. These are busy people.

5. Trump Might Testify

On Sunday, Giuliani said on ABC that he has no idea whether Trump will testify, and he probably can’t convince him not to. At least he’s honest! When asked directly if Trump would testify and try to plead the 5th, he said:

How can I ever be confident of that?… I’m facing a situation with the president and all the other lawyers are, in which every lawyer in America thinks he would be a fool to testify, I’ve got a client who wants to testify.

Casual reminder that Donald Trump once said that “only the mob” pleads the 5th.

6. Don’t Fuck With Ivanka (Sorry Jared)

When asked whether the special counsel might investigate Jarvanka, Giuliani literally acts like he’s a medieval knight tasked with protecting the crown prince and princess, which tbh is kind of accurate at this point in our non-democracy:

I think I would get on my charger and go right into their offices with a lance if they go after Ivanka. … Now, I think if they do do Ivanka, which I doubt they will, the whole country will turn on them. They’re going after his daughter? … Jared is a fine man, you know that. But men are, you know, disposable. But a fine woman like Ivanka? Come on.

My charger?! A lance?! Cool, the American government is basically being run by the Knights Templar. While I agree with the statement that men are disposable, I’m not so sure that Trump does. Also, Giuliani should probably remember that Trump considers his own daughter a fine “piece of ass,” not a woman.

7. Trump Probs Forgot He Paid Cohen

In an interview with the Washington Post, Giuliani waffled on when exactly the president was told about the payments by Cohen, before bizarrely claiming that regardless of when he was told, he wouldn’t have remembered it:

He wasn’t, since it was somewhere between ten and five days before the election. And he wasn’t told. But even if he was told, he wouldn’t have remembered it, like I wouldn’t have remembered it.

Because who would remember that their lawyer paid off one of the multiple women who want to expose your affairs and sexual escapades days before getting elected to the highest office in the land? Honestly seems like a minor detail in the grand scheme of covering up the pee tape and your children’s attempts to get dirt on Hillary from Russian operatives.

8. 100k is Pocket Change

On Fox & Friends last Thursday, GIuliani literally said that $135,000 is “pretty close” to pocket change. Considering a single Presidential visit to Mar-A-Lago can cost $3.5 million, Giuliani isn’t wrong, he’s just extremely offensive to the vast majority of Americans. Is “pocket” code for “bank accounts of Russian oligarchs”???

I know $135,000 — and I don’t want to demean anyone — but $135,000 seems like a lot of money. It’s not when you are putting $100 million into your campaign. It isn’t pocket change, but it’s pretty close to it at the end…And I think when Cohen heard $130,000, he said, ‘My God, this is cheap.

 

9. Shocker: Giuliani is Not an Expert

Giuliani explaining how little he knows about Trump’s legal status sounds like me trying to get out of an exam I didn’t study for:

This is, you know, 1.2 million documents. I’ve been in the case for two weeks. Virtually one day, in comparison to other people. So I’m not an expert on the facts, yet. I’m getting there.

“I’m not an expert on the facts.” – The President of the United States’ lawyer.

10. He Might be Getting Fired

To wrap up this list of unhinged commentary, we have Giuliani’s manic response to the question of whether he is likely to be the next addition to the ever-growing list of fired or retired Trump lawyers:

No, no, no! I’m not going to get fired (laughs). But if I do, I do. It wouldn’t be the first time it ever happened. But I don’t think so, no. (laughs)

Rudy’s manic laughter here makes 2007 Britney look calm and collected. At this point, it is impossible to predict what he is going to do next. I honestly feel like he might Instagram story the pee tape next week. It’s Giuliani, bitch.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Sure, sex is great, but have y’all ever tried watching a Fox News host get publicly humiliated? If you haven’t, you’re in luck because that’s what I’ll be covering in this article. And even if you have, you’re still in luck because this story is LOL. So, as you should know by now because you read The Sup, the FBI raided the office of Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen. Trump and his army of skanks were all like, v mad about this, claiming it completely violated attorney-client privilege and could expose the shit Trump is trying so desperately to hide blah-blah-blah. But that’s a whole other drama. Today we’re here to talk about the hot goss that came out yesterday in court when Michael Cohen’s mystery third client was revealed. Because it was none other than Fox News commentator Sean Hannity. People in the court room literally gasped upon hearing this news.

Life footage from the courtroom:

Okay, so this is a BFD for a couple of reasons. Number one is because of who Michael Cohen is. Michael Cohen has been Trump’s lawyer for a long time and is v. loyal to him. He’s also the lawyer who payed Stormy Daniels $130,000 of hush money “his own money.” One could say he cleans up Trump’s messes. (In fact, he’s literally known as a “fixer” despite having only caused more problems.) He also represented Republican fundraiser Elliot Broidy, and helped him pay off a Playboy playmate who Broidy had an affair with that left her pregnant. Do you see a trend here? Exactly. So, Cohen had requested to keep his third client private. He seemed to be very adamant about that. Then, Hannity was named as the third client yesterday in court. Trés drama. It almost seems like Hannity wanted this to be kept private so that his name wasn’t associated with a lawyer who famously deals with covering up affairs. If you aren’t getting it, that is my point exactly. Secondly, this breaking news makes Sean Hannity look like a v. irresponsible reporter and brings his journalistic integrity under fire. He’s been reporting on the raid of Michael Cohen’s office, offering his candid opinions on the matter. That’s not a good look when it turns out you have a personal relationship with the guy, aka he represents you.

Anyway, Hannity is denying it all because duh. He says Cohen never represented him, and they only talked about “real estate,” which I believe about as much as I believed my ex that he needed a second phone “for work.” You’ve been caught red-handed, bro. Like, literally in a court of law. Anyway, let’s get down to what we think Sean Hannity could have hired Michael Cohen to cover up for him, shall we?

An Affair

This is the most obvious one. But hey, if the shoe fits. The question is, who could the affair have been with???  If Seany boi is on trend, it’s with a woman who works in the adult film industry. Also, PS: no judgement on adult film stars, or any other sex workers for that matter. Porn is tight and I think we can all agree that we love the work that they do. However, paying a lawyer it keep a woman silent after you had an affair with her is not so cute.

A Sexual Harassment Claim

Sean Hannity works at Fox News and also is a man, so he has two factors working against him here. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sean Hannity has a sexual harassment case in his past, but then again I haven’t been surprised about sexual harassment cases since ever, so. Sean Hannity having Michael Cohen help him silently pay off a woman to keep quiet about him harassing her would be unsurprising but honestly so derivative.

Sean Hannity Has A Blackout Alter Ego

Okay, so hear me out. You know when you get blackout drunk and become a completely different person? For me, I hug people and give them compliments and smile a lot. V. off brand. Anyway, I’m thinking Hannity gets blackout and donates to Planned Parenthood, tells people Obama’s inauguration crowd was bigger, and respects women. He’d need a lawyer to help him get the witnesses of this behavior to stay quiet. That’s where Cohen comes in. Makes you think.

These are just some of my predictions. Do I understand how the law works? I’ve seen every ep of Law & Order, so that’s a hard yes. Sound off in the comments with your own predictions!

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Yesterday the FBI reenacted an episode of MTV’s Room Raiders but instead of a exposing a boy with bleached tip’s dirty mattress, they went after Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen and tax documents. With the news as insane as it is, it’s easy to be like who tf is Michael Cohen. Here’s a breakdown of who he is, why he’s in trouble, why Trump’s freaking out, and if he’s cute (lol he’s not.)

Who TF Is Michael Cohen?

Michael Cohen is a longtime friend, ally, and lawyer of Donald Trump. He looks like a boring dad from a lesser known frat. When he was an executive at the Trump Organization people called him the “pit bull,” (not to be confused with Pitbull). In 2011, Cohen explained the nickname to ABC. “It means that if somebody does something Mr. Trump doesn’t like, I do everything in my power to resolve it to Mr. Trump’s benefit, if you do something wrong, I’m going to come at you, grab you by the neck, and I’m not going to let you go until I’m finished.”

 Now, I didn’t go to law school but that sounds like intimidation, which is illegal? Anyways, it doesn’t matter if that is illegal because there are other issues that definitely are illegal that he’s currently in hot water for.

Wtf Did He Do?

If you thought you were done hearing about Stormy Daniels, the First Lady that should’ve been, you’re not in luck. Cohen admitted to paying the porn star $130,000, but claimed it was from his own money. He also wasn’t clear on why he paid her, but we got the deets thanks to that informative and educational 60 Minutes special she appeared on the other week. While it isn’t illegal for him to have paid her with his own money, if he was reimbursed by the Trump campaign or organization in any way, Cohen is in big trouble. 

While yesterday’s raid was separate from the Mueller investigation, Cohen’s lawyer, Stephen Ryan, says that the raid was, in part, because of a referral from Mueller’s office. Mueller is being a messy bitch who lives for drama right now and we should all take notes on how he is expertly ruining people’s lives and office organizational systems.

The FBI confiscated documents related to Stormy Daniels, Trump’s taxes, communications with Trump, and other business records. I imagine they also had to file through lots of far away photos of Ivanka with hearts drawn around her. They also raided the hotel room Cohen had been staying in in NYC.  I am pre-ordering my tickets for the inevitable movie that’s going to be made about this event. But before that happens, you’re probs wondering, if Trump mad?

Is Trump Mad?

Duh.

Wtf Is He Going To Do?

Well, so far he’s angrily tweeted like a petulant teen whose mother read through their diary. But that is par for course.

A TOTAL WITCH HUNT!!!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 10, 2018

He held a press conference after the raid calling it a “real disgrace” and “attack on our country.” He also brazenly speculated if he should fire Mueller as if it were a group text with the girls and was wondering if he should break up with his boyfriend. Firing Mueller would be legitimately insane and very bad. Like, ring the alarm bad. If that happens, take off your heels, clear your calendar, get in the car, we’re going protesting. 

Now What?

Honestly, now we just have to sort of wait to see what happens. But it seems like every politician on earth has their butthole clenched in anticipation. So maybe now is the time to do a face mask, take a bath, and pray that when you look at your phone twenty minutes later we have a new president.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!ai