Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And where there’s allegations of attempted rape against a guy named Brett, there are allegations of actual rape against Brett and his boys, just waiting to be uncovered. Today Michael Avenatti (the legal Robin to Ronan Farrow’s #MeToo Batman) revealed the name of a third woman who alleges sexual misconduct by Brett Kavanaugh in high school, and her allegations are serious as f*ck. (Okay, so all allegations of sexual abuse are serious as f*ck, but these are really really bad.) The alleged victim’s name is Julie Swetnick, and she’s a former government employee with tea to spill. Oh, and this tea comes with a major trigger warning because it’s 2018 and literally everything is triggering for assault survivors rn.
In a statement released by Avenatti today, Swetnick says that she personally witnessed Kavanaugh and his BRFF (Best Rape Friend Forever) Mark Judge get their female classmates “inebriated and disoriented so they culd then be ‘gang raped’ in a side room or bedroom by a ‘train’ of numerous boys.” And now, we’ll take a brief pause to let it sink in how fully f*cked up that is.
Michael Avenatti just released a declaration from his client, containing explosive allegations about Brett Kavanaugh and Mark Judge. pic.twitter.com/dYwB2YqbqL
— Renato Mariotti (@renato_mariotti) September 26, 2018
In the statement, Swetnick says that she herself was a victim of one of these “gang rapes,” which is corroborated by the fact that Mark Judge’s ex-girlfriend, Elizabeth Rasor, told The New Yorker that Judge had once told her “ashamedly” about an incident where Judge and his friends took turns having sex with an unconscious woman.
So now we have three woman, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, Deborah Ramirez, and Julie Swetnick, with allegations against Brett Kavanaugh, and at least one man, Mark Judge, who could serve as an alleged witness. Even still, the White House is still stanning for Kavanaugh and the Senate is refusing to subpoena Judge, call other witnesses to testify, or allow the FBI to investigate.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Last night in the beautiful flyover state if Ohio, pornographic actress and sexiest member of the resistance, Stormy Daniels was arrested. Performing at a strip club in Columbus, Daniels, was charged with three counts of misdemeanor sex offenses for touching patrons while she performed at Sirens Gentleman’s Club.
Allegedly she placed her breasts on the faces of patrons and fondled a few women patron’s breasts and those patrons turned out to be undercover cops who then arrested her. You know, a typical Wednesday night. I’m not making light of touching people inappropriately but this narc-heavy scenario smells highly of Eau de Setup.
Her lawyer, Michael Avenatti, famous for being hot and good at Twitter and inventing #basta also thinks it’s a setup, so vis-a-vis (wow, already dropping legalese) I am also a lawyer.
Just rcvd word that my client @StormyDaniels was arrested in Columbus Ohio whole performing the same act she has performed across the nation at nearly a hundred strip clubs. This was a setup & politically motivated. It reeks of desperation. We will fight all bogus charges. #Basta
— Michael Avenatti (@MichaelAvenatti) July 12, 2018
Daniels was released on a $6,054 bail but had to cancel her remaining Columbus shows because of the incident. Honestly, feels like more of a crime to deny innocent Ohioans from a seductive night out on the town but glad these undercover cops are going after the real criminals out there. Keep up the shady work!
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Here’s the thing about Stormy Daniels’ lawyer: he’s hot. He’s got that whole lawyer in the streets, daddy in the sheets look going on. Not to mention, a jaw sculpted by the gods themselves. A silver fox, if you will. Are you guys getting what I’m saying? He’s hot. Is that clear? Great. Now that we’re all on the same page, here is a roundup of times we fell in love with Michael Avenatti. His name is Michael Avenatti, by the way. But you can just call him zaddy.
When He Went On Air And Told Michael Cohen to Release His Financial Documents
Avenatti urges Michael Cohen to release his financial documents if he's so innocent. #Hardball #ctl #p2 pic.twitter.com/o9rqzJUUby
— PoliticusUSA (@politicususa) May 10, 2018
Please write “this whole thing stinks” on my grave.
When He @’d Fox And Friends
Whatever happens @foxandfriends, please do not stop helping our case week in and week out by having Mr. Trump and Mr. Giuliani appear and make damaging stmts. You are truly THE BEST; where can we send the gift basket? #basta
— Michael Avenatti (@MichaelAvenatti) May 3, 2018
Love a man who can talk shit on Twitter.
He Made #Basta A Thing
Let Michael Avenatti handle this! He will #Basta them.
Our #BastaCap Italian. pic.twitter.com/A1gzmbZuuP— Paul van der Meer (@Paul_VanDerMeer) May 10, 2018
“Basta” is Italian for “enough” or “stop it” or “cut the shit, you idiots.” Michael Avenatti started using the hashtag on Twitter, and now has been seen sporting it on custom baseball cap. There is a word for that and it is I-CON-IC.
Well, that’s all the groundbreaking journalism I have for you today. When people start talking about the news at happy hour today, chime in with what you learned here: Stormy Daniels’ hot lawyer is hot.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
