Are you tired of paying attention to developing news stories? Are you sick of respecting other people’s personal space during a global pandemic? Are you tired of paying sales tax?
Here at You Must Miami PR, we believe our winters should be humid and muggy, and our city should be at the mercy of an entire state whose values might be contrary to our own—not the other way around! New York City has been living the high life for far too long.
Lucky for you, Fantastical Florida doesn’t deal with pesky progressive legislation, mask mandates, or securing funding for government projects to better serve the public. And what better place in Florida to capture the diversity and talent incubator you’re leaving behind than magical Miami? You’ll be able to ignore interactions with anyone you may disagree with because we only have two subway lines that go to the exact same places. You’ll meet the same people over and over again, or you’ll buy a car.* The circle of life!
After all, Miami brought you Flo Rida, Pitbull, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Any time you ask yourself, “What’s cooking?” you should immediately pair it with gratitude for mesmerizing Miami. Does ‘what’s cooking’ need spice? We got you—Shakira holds the key to our city. We have our priorities straight and although we know we shouldn’t call Latinas “spicy,” here at You Must Miami PR, we aren’t bound by PC culture or basic human respect.
If our home crop doesn’t entice you, our transplants include Iggy Pop, Gloria Estefan, and Phil Collins. Do you think you’re better than Phil Collins?** Writer of “In the Air Tonight”? Patrick Bateman of American Psycho’s favorite musician?
Miami also has its tech population. Blake Aaron Ross, co-founder of Mozilla FireFox, was born and bred here. Everyone loves FireFox, right? Right?! And he made the browser for his mother who was frustrated with Internet Explorer—WHAT A GREAT SON. Miamians are wholesome people, even if the state around us is falling apart.
See, we’re not like Fanning Springs, FL where 50 manatees have died in 2021 from contaminated canals. In miraculous Miami, we’ve only had 15 manatees die for the exact same reason. But dirty canals, dying mammals, and daily “Florida-man” stories should make you ex-New Yorkers feel right at home. Especially since dolphins have started creeping into Brooklyn?! Ugh. Stay in your lane, dolphins.
Shed your masks, shed your legal protections (unless you’re a cop, of course), and shed your New York blues for red-hot Miami!***
* Don’t use your blinker, though—no one else does.
**Full-disclosure, Phil Collins did move to Féchy, Switzerland in 2008, but that’s a reflection of him—not Miami. Don’t put that evil on us.
***We don’t necessarily believe in climate change, but we’re legally obligated to tell you a mass exodus from the Florida coast is happening as sea levels rise for some arbitrary reason definitely not related to the ice caps melting.
Image: Gian Cescon / Unsplash
It is my personal opinion that there are enough bars in Manhattan that no one should ever have wait in line to get in. The same can be said about bachelorette weekend destinations. There are more than enough fun cities in the world to take cute Instagrams in matching high-waisted bathing suits, but that doesn’t stop way too many of our fave brides-to-be from throwing their cowboy boots in a duffle and heading to Nashville for their bachelorette weekend. For those of you who would like to experience what being original feels like, but still want to have a truly fab weekend with your best friends, please, for f*ck’s sake, avoid the following cities and give the world some fresh inspiration!
1. Nashville
Obv had to start with the most traveled-to destination. I don’t have the precise figures on how many groups of young women travel to Honky Tonk Town for their bachelorette party, but if my Instagram is an accurate indicator of the truth, then every basic bitch in America is booking her bachelorette trip to Nashville. Don’t get me wrong, Nashville is a seriously great city, and I was this close to spending four years there for college, but I chose a different yet similarly Southern school instead. Oops? Look, if you truly love this city and are dying to take your crew here, you do you, but you will have to accept that you will be sharing Broadway with about a million other bachelorette parties. Who knows, maybe you’ll make a few new friends? However, you’re more likely to be really annoyed that it won’t really feel like your weekend. Also, give the Nashvillians a f*cking break from your drunken bullsh*t! One of my best friends lives there and said that going out is simply not an option anymore because every restaurant and bar has been taken over by bridal parties dying to run into Tim McGraw. Just let Jesus take the wheel and go to a different city below the Mason-Dixon if you want a Southern experience. Atlanta is prettier, cooler, and has a whole lot more to do (and we will have a bachelorette guide on it v soon)!
2. Las Vegas
View this post on Instagram
Get caught in the clouds.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Photo Cred: @donnalorraine15
Guys, stop going to Vegas. Just stop! You are better than the city in f*cking Nevada that’s still trying to make magic shows a thing. In my opinion, Las Vegas is like a really extravagant cage. Seriously, think about it! Your entire weekend takes place in your hotel during the day and on one street (the Strip) at night. If you venture like, one mile out of these confines, you’re in what looks like the set of Mad Max: Fury Road. People who love Vegas are f*cking extra, which I truly appreciate and respect, but you don’t need to waste your efforts on the place where Ross and Rachel got married. Look, I get it. You want Vegas because you want to wear makeup and heels at the pool without being #judged. You want to get a ton of money by having to do nothing more than deciding between red and black. You want to see if Magic Mike is a myth. We stan betches like you because you have no shame in your game! Vegas is not on your level, though. Instead, save your money and go to St. Tropez or Mexico City, two places that appreciate your level of extra.
3. Miami
Miami is like if Vegas was in Florida. Tbh, I love Miami, but not for a bachelorette party, because it’s where the rich kids in college went for spring break and then just went back for their bachelorette weekend, which is just tacky. Give yourself and your girls a place they can get excited about without having to worry about running into their grandparents on the beach. Yes, there’s always South Beach, but you will be one of many a bachelorette group taking group photos on the sand. You can do better, ladies. Again, Miami is so overdone because it’s a cool city, but there are so many other cool cities where you can do almost everything you’d do in Miami. For instance, ever been to St. Augustine? It’s gorgeous, full of charming bars, and obv has plenty of beaches so you can come home with a fresh af tan. What’s not to love?
4. New Orleans
Did we just write a Betches’ Bachelorette Guide to New Orleans? Yes. Is New Orleans overdone for bachelorette weekends? Yes! Look, the people wanted a NOLA guide, so we gave them a NOLA guide. See, we listen to you! However, as amazing as the Big Easy is, it’s time to go somewhere else. I just want to reiterate for the fourth time that all of these cities are great, but they’re almost so great that too many people are visiting them and making them sh*tty. For instance, apparently there was once a time when Rome was like a cute, charming quiet city in Italy that wasn’t dripping in tourists taking photos on iPads. Don’t let New Orleans become the next Rome, y’all. New Orleans is such a hot spot because of Bourbon Street and the Garden District (and, let’s be real, Cafe Du Monde), but think of all of the cities with amaze streets that you’d use for the same purposes as Bourbon Street. If all you want to do is bar hop on an aesthetically pleasing, historical street, go to M Street in Georgetown! It’s like the Northern New Orleans, but with preppier boys to flirt with and ruder bar tenders because Southern hospitality truly only exists in the South.
5. Charleston
Remember when everyone on the f*cking planet realized Iceland exists, so at the exact same time, everyone booked a trip to Iceland? Charleston is the Iceland of the U.S. because it suffered the same influx of people, but in the form of bachelorette parties. I totally understand why: it’s like if Julia Engel was a city. Sadly, Charleston is too popular for its own good and we need to give it a rest so that it can become cool again. This tiny southern gem and its population of freelancers were not prepared for the swarm of matching T-shirts and people asking “Hi, sorry, excuse me? Can you take our pic 80 different ways?” Charleston is so f*cking charming it hurts, but for this very reason, it’s losing sight of who it is! There are other cities out there that have a pale pink house next to a mint green house with a palm tree in between! We just need to find them! Savannah is better in my opinion. You know why I think that? Because it’s the only city in the South that the Union’s army spared because it was too damn beautiful. You know what city got pummeled? Charleston!
Images: nashvilletn, cosmopolitan_lv, themiamiguide, visitneworleans, galmeetsglam / Instagram
Planning sucks, and bachelorette parties are a ton of work. So we’re taking all the guesswork out of planning a bachelorette party by breaking down top bachelorette destinations. Our guides will tell you where to stay, eat, party, how to get around, and give you a sample itinerary that you can follow. You’re welcome.
Miami is one of the biggest bachelorette destinations in the country, and for obvious reasons—it’s packed with countless hotels, bars, restaurants, pools, and clubs prime for partying. And then there’s South Beach, where you can mingle with bronzed hard bodies in skimpy swimwear, or simply live your best life sporting matching bride squad outfits for Insta opps before hitting the frozen daiquiri joints across the street. Magic City is the ultimate mix of high-low with different tiers of accommodations and day (and night) life options. So, by all means, ball out if you’ve got that kind of cash, or pregame your big day with your besties on a moderate budget. Your call. Luckily we’ve included options for both, as well as a flexible itinerary that caters to all kinds of brides and her minions besties. Here is your official Betches Bachelorette Guide to Miami.
How To Get There
Another reason to go with Miami for the bach? It’s cheap to get to and close, especially if you’re traveling from the East Coast, South, or Midwest. Expect to be up in the air for about three hours if you’re flying out of New York, and obviously use that time to get a head start on the weekend debauchery with in-flight nips. The NYC airports also churn out over 28 flights per day, so you can go super early to take advantage of a bottomless brunch when you deplane, or go late Thursday to squeeze another night in. Flights from the South are typically shorter (around 1.5 hours to 2.5) and airfare is usually in the $200-300 range, although you can find some steals in the $150-200 range. The Miami International Airport is one of the largest in the country, which is ideal for your cause, since anyone in bad shape on the last day (read: they slept through their flight home) can easily hop on another direct. After soaking up the booze with a hangover-curing cubano at Versailles Cuban Bakery, in terminal D of course. Even West Coasters don’t have it that bad on a 5-hour flight. I mean, it’s not 6+ like some desirable destinations.
How To Get Around
Even if you think walking from point A to point B sounds like a smart idea in Miami, esp. around South Beach, let us warn you by saying good luck not dying of heat exhaustion. Temps can be crazy high during the day (and still hot at night), so if you’re slamming drinks by the pool and then trying to make moves, you’re probably going to faint. Hence why Ubers and Lyfts are strongly advised. And who wants to ruin their makeup? Not us. Boats are another key mode of transportation here, so make your hottest most sociable friend take one for the team and secure a few men with yachts (or at least a small schooner with a working engine) to act as your personal chauffeurs for the weekend.
Where To Stay
The best thing about choosing your bach pad in Miami is that there is ZERO shortage of hotels here. Seriously, like a million with more popping up every day. And because of the fierce competition, you can usually get reasonable deals, especially on packages for bachelorettes or large groups, with 3rd or 4th night free offerings. Our advice is to do your research and book early, to score as many benefits as possible.
The Confidante Miami Beach: If you’re looking for a beachfront hotel with endless photo opps, make a res at The Confidante. You probably recognize the hotel’s iconic beach set up with their multi-colored striped lounges and umbrellas. Elevate your experience by renting a poolside cabana where you can get drinks & food brought right to your chair. There are two pools, one of for families and one for adults so feel free to get rowdy. Prices are extremely reasonable and once your friends see pics of the hotel, they’ll immediately be on board.
View this post on Instagram
The Miami Beach Edition: Chances are if you’re staying at The Edition, you’re not the only girl group that is, which means more new friends. Much like other Edition locations, its got all the bells and whistles: well-appointed decor, roomy suites, killer amenities (oh hi, Le Labo products and BEATS Bluetooth speakers), and award-winning restaurants and bars. It’s basically bachelorette heaven, because you never have to leave.
What sets their Miami outpost apart from the rest however, is the Basement, featuring a 2,000-square-foot nightclub, rainbow ice rink, and neon-lit, 4-lane bowling alley with balls and shoes designed by famous artists. Verrrrry Studio 54, #NBD. And those restaurants we spoke of? Celeb chef Jean-Georges Vongerichten created the menu at Matador Room and Market at Edition, even the bar snacks in the Basement Bowl Lounge are JG approved. They also throw a party just for the ladies every Wednesday called “Femme Fatale” with complementary slushies and ice skating. You also can’t forget about the special bottle pricing for bachelorette parties every night of the week. Can’t go wrong at The Edition.
Four Seasons Hotel at The Surf Club, Surfside: If you and your mains are a classy bunch, or simply looking to bougie it up on your last fling before the ring, look no further than Four Seasons Surfside. Miami legend: The Surf Club opened its doors on New Year’s Eve in 1930 and has a fresh new look and feel, thanks to the addition of 101 tower rooms, cabana studios, and residences. So it’s intimate, yet spacious, and 100% our aesthetic. And speaking of cabanas, they restored their original ones that Frank Sinatra, Elizabeth Taylor, Joan Crawford, and Winston Churchill used to party in, back in the day. We’re talking art deco luxe quarters with private bathrooms and showers, because why trek back to your room to rinse off when you can take care of business in the ‘BANA?!
There’s also Le Sirenuse Miami, Mare by Le Sirenuse, and Thomas Keller’s The Surf Club Restaurant for celebratory meals, and no shortage of champagne. Between The Champagne Bar and the rolling champagne trolley at TSCR, your bubbly supply will never run dry. And what’s a girls’ getaway without a next-level spa outing to pamper the bride + co? They have that covered, too. Susanne Kaufmann facials, Biologique Recherche body treatments, and every kind of massage are par for the course in this wellness retreat, which you clearly need during an overly indulgent few days away. The hammam and steam rooms double as a sweat lodge for much-needed detoxing—just sayin’.
Faena Miami Beach: What’s not to love about this over-the-top gem? It’s bachelorette GOALS due to the Damien Hirst’s “Gone but not Forgotten” gilded woolly mammoth skeleton that’s #1 for photos, and don’t even get us started on the oceanfront suites. Sprawling balconies with sick views and and beds so dreamy you could literally spend your entire vacay there only scratch the surface of why this place slays so hard. It also doesn’t hurt that everyone sauntering through the muraled hallways and palm tree lined paths is supermodel stunning, so just a little heads up to pack the quality content outfits.
Then there’s the red and white striped umbrella dotted beach, grand pool, and three restaurants to consider: Los Fuegos by Francis Mallmann, Pao by Paul Qui, and the tropical Veranda. Definitely don’t leave without experiencing their Samsara Cabaret, either. A sultry theatrical performance that blends aerialist choreography, acrobatics, and insane talent—it’s exactly what a gaggle of girls looking for a memorable time should witness.
Where To Eat
View this post on Instagram
MILA Rooftop: Located right in the heart of South Beach, MILA’s rooftop offers the exact vibe you’re looking for to celebrate a bachelorette. If you’re going to splurge on one dining experience, let it be here. They offer an upscale “MediterrAsian” menu and the drinks are strong and tasty.
Gianni’s at The Villa: A trip to the Versace Mansion when in Miami bacheloretting is mandatory for the group photos in front of the Million Mosaic Pool alone. Wear your best loud and proud Versace-inspired lewks and party like it’s the ’90s and you’re Naomi, Christy, and Cindy. Pro Tip: Order the 24K gold margarita, homemade truffle gnocchi, and ask to tour Donatella’s room post-dinner. You don’t want to miss it, trust us.
Kyu: Asian fusion, Miami style. Most of the food is either grilled or raw with a healthy dose of veggies, but it’s all seriously yummy. And it’s fun. Fun always wins in our book. Make a res one of your first nights in town, when you’re still trying to keep the late-night binge (and carbs) in check.
Le Sirenuse Miami: Couldn’t decide between Positano or Miami for your bachelorette party? Why choose when the famed Amalfi Coast mainstay now has a glamorous 2nd home in Magic City? The glitzy Champagne Bar is where you begin (dressed to the nines, duh), followed by a full-on Mediterranean feast of all the seafood and pasta.
Swan & Bar Bevy: You’ve probably seen the très pretty in pink Swan gracing your Instagram feed ever since it opened last year, and it’s still a solid choice for cocktails and nibbles, with a side of photoshoots. Since it’s nestled in the heart of Miami’s trendy Design District, we suggest swinging by for drinks at the gorg, rose-hued, flower-bedecked bar or sitting al fresco in the twinkling garden before finding some street art to snap the group in composed squatted arrangements.
Los Fuegos: The vibe at Francis Mallmann’s Los Feugos is sexy AF. Think shell-encrusted columns and trees entwined with lights outside, and cushy couches draped in leopard inside. Brace yourselves for an epic lunch or GNO, the Argentine way. Their whole asado experience is not to be missed, because everything tastes better cooked over an open flame (after you’ve had a few), especially Mallmann’s crazy addictive empanadas. If you’re anything like us, you’ll be licking your plate clean by the end of the night trying to order more and posing with the animal statues scattered about.
Mr. Chow: You know it, you love it, you are most definitely gonna crave it when you’re wasted after day drinking. Mr. Chow’s private dining room is key for noshing family style, when you just want to to dig into heaping piles of noodles, platters of plump little dumplings, and their signature ma mignon and Beijing duck, behind closed doors. We’re hangry, all right?!
Zuma Miami: Celebrate the bride with your tribe at this waterfront hot spot where rubbing elbows with celebs is a given. Their VIP room just got a facelift so your crew can dine like boss bitches with your own closed-off terrace, custom menus, and Instagram-worthy views of the Miami River. That waterway definitely comes in handy when you need to pull up like the true QUEENS you are, via boat. The restaurant will also cater a full-blown dinner with drinks dockside—or out at sea—but try not to fall overboard after one too many shots, k?
Where To Party
Nikki Beach Miami: The first Nikki Beach to ever open—yes, before St. Tropez and St. Barths—is alive and well and the place to be on Amazing Sundays. There are boho-chic teepees everywhere, an intoxicating beachy scent wafting throughout the grounds, and a ton of people dancing to “happy music” by world-class DJs. Add crazy delish sushi boats and ice buckets overflowing with rosé to the list of perks and you’ll understand why wanting to move into your personal daybed is a serious consideration.
W South Beach: The W believes in the three B’s, and so do we: beach, babes, and bikinis. With newly renovated cabanas, private bungalows with outdoor showers, and the adults-only miniWET pool, you could spend an entire day here and never get bored. You could also pass out and have to be woken up around 4pm to go home. Should you be a real trooper and ready to keep going, there’s WALL, their ultra-lounge fit for a night of dancing and trying to balance in heels.
Bagatelle Miami Beach: When in hot-as-hell Miami it’s important to stay hydrated, and brides-to-be can indulge in oversized goblets of mixed drinks, or magnums of champagne at Bagatelle because #YOLO. No ask is too small, either. They’ll create personalized bachelorette menus with logos for their famed party brunches, and on Wednesdays you can take advantage of their weekly “Bacchanal” for a drunken sh*tshow that also happens to be BYOB-friendly. No corkage fee and half off their entire wine and champagne list? We’re there.
The Rooftop at 1 Hotel South Beach: You have to be over 21 to be allowed up to this 18-story-high paradise, so try not to lose your license (or your bag) during the weekend. Their “Sip.Swim” Sunday soirée is open to hotel guests and locals alike from noon until 6pm, and the scene is supreme for toasting the bride and flirting with hotties pre-wedding handcuffs bands.
Nighttime Entertainment
E11EVEN Miami: When you want a mega lounge and a 24/7 strip club in one, E11EVEN has your bridal back. Known for attracting top-notch talent, celeb performers, and hot girls that can do contortionist moves (take note for your wedding night), it’s the premiere after-party locale. So much so, that they offer an “It’s The After Party” package, that includes VIP table service and congrats messages streaming on the club’s LED screens. You can even be that chick in the club and sneak up to the DJ booth to request your songs because it’s YOUR night.
STORY and LIV: These OG Miami clubs have been around forevs, and therefore have bachelorette shenanigans locked and loaded. Get escorted to your table, have bottles with fireworks come out on the reg, dance on banquettes, and hope you don’t expose yourself…you know, stuff that would make mom and dad proud. Just be sure to check their event cals to see which big-deal DJs are going to be on the tables while you’re in town. You don’t want to miss Calvin Harris, Tiësto, Diplo, or Steve Aoki, now do you??
Friday, Day 1
Pro Tip: Don’t sleep Thursday night, so you can board the earliest possible flight Friday am
- Drop your bags at the hotel lobby desk since it’s probably too early to check in, do a quick change into the swimsuit you obvi packed in your carry-on, and head to the pool like a girl on a mission with your comically large cups full of booze.
- Post up in your cabana (and order rounds of tequila shots like a pro), then relax for a few hours before throwing on swim cover-ups and make your way to lunch.
- Lunch outside at Los Fuegos, The Edition, or Swan/Bar Bevy, and try to remember to drink some water in addition to carb loading so you actually make it through the rest of the night.
- Return to the pool for more debauchery and a nap.
- Wake up, get your glam on, blast some single lady anthems with the bride, and head to dinner at Gianni’s or Le Sirenuse.
- Friday night is your night to go HARD, so drink some more water and roll into the club at E11EVEN or STORY.
Saturday, Day 2
Pro Tip: Make sure you keep charcoal pills, Pedialyte, and coconut water next to your bed to consume the second your eyes open, and if you’re really a great bridesmaid, you’ll book IV drips to cure the crew’s massive hangovers at REVIV
- Brunch at Bagatelle, where you won’t feel the slightest bit guilty about ordering a hair of the dog, because everyone is about to get LIT.
- If you plan on doing something other than get sloshed at the pool the rest of the day, good job being an overachiever. But if you want to do that and something else, book an afternoon catamaran charter on GetYourGuide that includes four hours of fun and a cruise to a sandbar for water activities and more drankkkkks. They also offer a 1-Hour Wynwood Walls and Street Art Tour for groups interested in a little culture to balance out the mayhem.
- Put your ass in bed and NAP!
- Wake up and dial room service for more booze and try to make yourself presentable for the night.
- Do dinner at KYU, Mr. Chow, or The Surf Club.
- If you need a change of pace and want laid-back bars instead of intense clubs, stumble into Broken Shaker at Freehand Miami, Rose Bar at Delano, Racket, Wood Tavern, and Sweet Liberty
Sunday, Day 3
Pro Tip: Hopefully you took it sorta easy Saturday night because Sunday is the best pool party day in Miami. If not, bottoms up!
- Hold a quick group powwow for outfit coordination and required flair, then Uber over to Nikki Beach to start the day.
- Lunch, drink, tan, reminisce and close your tab, you’ve got more places to hit
- Up next: Sip.Swim at 1 Hotel
- Set an alarm to chug at least 3 full cups of water
- You know what time it is—NAP TIME!
- Find something clean to wear and settle in for food coma at Zuma, or try Upland or Michael’s Genuine for pizza/pasta/burgers since you don’t have to be in swimwear the next day
Monday, Day 4
- Book the next flight out if you didn’t depart Sunday night. Good luck and godspeed—we hope you still have some essentials for the plane in your bach survival kit.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it, finding a bar in a big city is hard. It’s especially hard if you’re looking for a date spot, and you want to fool convince your date that you are a classy individual who does not choose establishments solely based on happy hour prices. Life is hard, but there is good news! If you’re based in Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, San Francisco, San Diego, Austin, Miami, Nashville, Dallas, Washington DC, Phoenix-Scottsdale, Houston, Seattle, Orange County, or Toronto, there’s an app to help you out. Skorch is a new app that can help you pick bars, restaurants, lounges, and other hotspots in your city.
And the best part? Every locale is specifically curated to what you’re looking for. You can refine your results based on “hotness” and distance (which is, incidentally, how I choose my dating app matches), plus you can filter by category: bar, club, lounge, cafe, restaurant, event, attraction, and outdoor.
Basically, Skorch takes all the effort, difficulty, and indecision out of picking a place to eat and drink. So I decided to put Skorch to the test and see what classy date spots I could find in NYC using the app. Let me tell you, I was not disappointed.
Gallow Green
When Gallow Green came up on Skorch I knew I had to include it, because it’s so classy I could only afford to go there when my cousin was the bartender. Excuse me, the mixologist. Thanks for the free drinks, Kev!
Gallow Green is a rooftop bar at the McKittrick Hotel in Chelsea, and it makes you feel like you are in a secret tranquil garden atop this dirty trash city. You can order drinks or dinner, or drinks AND dinner. Plus, you can say things like, “I’ll have the Scottish Law. Do you only have Glenlivet 18-year, or can you substitute with Glenlivet 21-year?” and then throw a suggestive wink at my guy. Locked. It. Up.
Jack’s Wife Freda
Jack’s Wife Freda is located in my absolute favorite part of New York City, the West Village. You can’t get much classier than a neighborhood where I saw Liv Tyler every morning on the way to work, am I right?
Not only is Jack’s Wife Freda in a great spot, but it also has a menu that’s the bomb, relatively reasonable prices, and is in a small space, so you’ll be able to get pretty close to your date. So ideal! And when you’re finished, you can stroll down the quaint streets together, pointing out all the beautiful brownstones and pick out the one you’ll buy together once you’ve scraped together $12 million.
Oh HELLO, do my eyes deceive me or is this a still from a rom-com?
The Standard Biergarten
Just admit it, we all love to day drink. The sun is shining, the possibilities are endless, and you can get to bed at 9pm. I know you’re thinking that day drinking might not be all that elegant, but you’re wrong. Sure, maybe it’s not classy when you’re in the backyard of the Sigma Chi house doing keg stands, but at a luxury boutique hotel where you might find Solange assaulting Jay-Z in an elevator? Abso-f*cking-lutely.
At the Standard Biergarten you can get, you guessed it, beer, as well as the other traditional German fare. And if you like a little competitive element to your dates, you can pass the time at the ping-pong table, since every dude likes a girl that can hit a winner.
Magic Hour Rooftop Bar & Lounge
Sure, Magic Hour Rooftop Bar & Lounge is in Times Square, but some of us work in Midtown! And everyone likes a quick commute to their cocktail. Magic Hour is owned by the Tao Group, who also own Tao and Lavo, two of my favorite high-class places. The $19 dumplings are to go broke for die for.
Magic Hour has expensive cocktails and a great view, but it also has cheeky elements that make it a perfect date spot. It’s got a mini golf course that is called Foreplay and features sexy animals in suggestive poses. Yes, I did just say “sexy animals.” And sure, a mini-golf course called Foreplay might not be coy, but sometimes you just have to be forward about what you want. Am I right, ladies?
And those are just a few of the many ideas that Skorch gave me for my classy date night! It’s available in a bunch of cities, so if you’re trying to snag husband material in say, Austin, you should definitely check it out. And you can use Skorch for way more than bars, like planning your next group dinner, finding a cute cafe to work at, or deciding where to go for your best night out.
Imags: Shutterstock; magichourny, standardbiergarten, jackswifefreda, gallowgreen / Instagram
As Samuel L. Jackson told us in the OG Jurassic Park, “hold on to your butts.” Xfinity Reality Week is coming.
WTF is Reality Week? It’s a celebration of all things fights, frenemies, and totally real and not scripted television that we all love to hate.
To celebrate, we’re flying down to Miami, where Xfinity is flipping a grotsky little bitch sports bar HGTV style and glamming it up as the Xfinity Reality Bar. This rad reality hotspot will be open to the public (so book your ticket now) as of January 6, 2019. Then, when the stars align and Mars is out of retrograde, we’ll get our bodies ready for the premiere of The Bachelor and what promises to be THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER with virgins, veiled football/sex analogies, and island love.
So what does this all mean for you, the average, sweatpants-wearing, wine-drinking home-body betch? It means you can watch us party it up and indulge in all things reality TV without even leaving your couch. If you (sadly) can’t fly to Miami and party with us, just say “Show me Reality Week” into your Xfinity X1 Voice Remote and access exclusive content including interviews, games, and viewing parties with your fav (and least fav) reality stars. We can’t think of a better way to spend these cold, miserable winter days than curled up with your reality TV addiction.
For all the details on the Xfinity Reality Bar, click here.
Images: Shutterstock; Xfinity
One of the good things about Instagram (or the bad, depending on how you look at it) is the advent of doing things for the ‘Gram. Like, it’s great when you’re taking a photo of your hot dog legs on a beach and showing off to your 400 Instagram followers, but it’s annoying when anyone else who isn’t you does the same exact thing. Well, too fucking bad for everyone else, because I’m here to give you your Instagram bucket list: Miami edition. Whether you’re at Art Basel this weekend, planning your spring break, or just going because you want to live out your Will Smith tour of the U.S. (just me?), these are the places you need to go to—for the ‘Gram, of course.
Brunch
Leynia
All your friends’ basic avocado toast Instas have nothing on Leynia, the Argentinian grill located inside South Beach’s famed Delano hotel. First off, the seating is outside (because, hello, you’re in Miami), so the natural lighting cannot be beat. In the background of your Instas may be the Delano’s pool, where the famous Proviseur chairs, originally from Le Jardin St. Payl in Paris, sit. Second, and most importantly, you will not find these brunch foods on any menu anywhere else. They have an El Tucamano egg Benedict that sits on top of a fucking empanada. The smoked salmon Benedict rests on a potato pancake. The French toast comes with a guava dulce de leche, and will make you a believer in sweet breakfast foods, if you’re not already (aka me before I had this French toast). If you manage to take any pictures before you shove all the food in your mouth because it looks amazing, and tastes even more amazing, your pictures will get triple-digit likes, guaranteed.
^No filter needed on this.
Beaker & Gray
For your brunch Instas that are bougie but in a more rustic, hipster, less in-your-face way, head to Beaker & Gray in Miami’s Wynwood neighborhood. Once again, this is not your run-of-the-mill eggs Benedicts that you’ve eaten at every place in NYC. To quote the great Stefon, “This place has everything”—from spicy chilaquiles with chicken that practically disintegrates in your mouth to a sweet and savory waffle panini with pork belly rillette and maple mustard to a guava skillet cookie. I had a croque madame—a slab of crunchy yet chewy sourdough spread with oxtail, smothered with gruyère and topped with an egg. If I didn’t know any better, aka study abroad in Paris, I’d have thought Beaker & Gray invented it—and it was leagues better than any croque I ate in France. Je ne suis pas désolée.
Bars
Doheny Room
This is where you and your friends will want to take those not-not candid group photos. This cute little spot has floor-to-ceiling wallpaper in that chic palm leaf print you’re seeing literally everywhere, plus a giant neon sign that says, “I’m never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you…” that’s just begging to be posed underneath of. The DJ booth also has a retro-looking neon sign in the shape of lips, which is another solid option. And you won’t even want to bother the DJ in between snaps to ask him to play the new Taylor Swift (please don’t be that person), because the music is on point. They play a mix of ’80s and ’90s throwbacks and current hits, and you really can’t argue with it. If all that’s not enough for you, they have a gif photo booth inside the bar for your Boomerangs.
Employees Only Miami
Employees Only has an outpost in New York, but if you’ve never in your life managed to get a seat there because it’s always so packed (same), the Miami location has a more spacious interior, plus outdoor seating. It’s a speakeasy, so the drinks taste and look incredible. They serve dinner, if you’re not a rager, but if you are, there’s an insane late-night food menu. Ever had a craving for buttery bone marrow poppers at three in the morning? Me either, but you can make it happen at Employees Only Miami. (They’re actually known for their post-3am chicken noodle soup. Don’t know why, it just is.) Not to mention, it’s located on the Washington Park Hotel property, so after getting (responsibly) drunk off fancy af drinks, you can stumble back to your room, mere steps away.
Dinner
Byblos
Step into Byblos, with its eye-catching artwork that depicts ancient mediterranean scenes, accordion-style fabric-wrapped panels, plush turquoise and yellow couches, and gold and silver mirrored statement bar, and you’ll feel like you’ve landed somewhere in the Mediterranean. Settle in with an earthy cocktail like the Ottoman Cartel, a melange of Avion silver, spiced barberry reduction and carbonated beet juice, decorated with edible marigold flowers. Or try their cold tea service—tea infused with spirits and served for two or four in a luxurious ritual reminiscent of a classic eastern mediterranean tea ceremony. The most difficult part of eating at Byblos is going to be putting down your phone long enough to take a bite. The food tastes as gorgeous as it looks—the canoe-shaped Wagyu Lameh Pide houses vibrant Turkish paste made in-house, creamy fior di latté, garlic-y toum, and basil cress. The melt-in-your-mouth, Spanish octopus is perfectly prepared with biber chili vinaigrette and a hint of lemon. Also, Drake eats here. That is all.
BRAVA by Brad Kilgore
It’s hailed as the best restaurant in Miami, and for good reason. Helmed by celebrity chef Brad Kilgore and located inside the Ziff Ballet Opera House, this locale will provide some of your most enviable Instas. Unlike other spots, the lighting in BRAVA is perfectly suited for your iPhone camera—and so is the food. The heavenly, marigold-colored lobster risotto is adorned with some sort of classy gold flake that I’m still trying to explain to people. The black-and-white pecorino cheese-filled gnudi are topped with an airy foam. And the pastry-encrusted short beef Wellington is served with a peppercorn demi-glace that the server pours gently over it. This is where you’ll want to break out your fanciest outfit and spend all your money, because you’ll feel sophisticated af. Again, doing it for the ‘Gram.
Snacks
The Salty Donut
Sweet and savory food lovers alike will moon over The Salty Donut’s confections. Flavors run the gamut from tangy and creamy Guava and Cheese to rich Nutella and back again. These pillowy, small-batch craft donuts pack tons of flavor, and they look just as gorgeous as they taste. This place sells out before closing every day, and you’ll see why if you take just one bite.
Campton Yard
Set in the courtyard of South Beach’s historic Hall Hotel, this open-air space reminiscent of an outdoor tiki bar boasts larger-than-life table games like giant Jenga and oversized Connect Four. Food items like mini empanadas and bite-size ceviche can provide a different perspective to your pics; cocktails like Batida de Maracuja offer a unique twist on your favorite go-tos.
Scenery
Wynwood Walls
I saved the best for (second-to) last, because the Wynwood Walls are your number one Instagram destination. I would say that they were basically invented for IG, except that there’s a really rich artistic history behind them, and I’m not a total idiot. A short history is that Wynwood used to be an unsafe area artists eventually moved into because housing was affordable—think like every New York City neighborhood on the cusp of gentrification. Different city, same story. In 2009, real estate developer Tony Goldman bought up a lot of Wynwood and created a series of open-air art murals that are today called the Wynwood Walls. Graffiti and street artists are invited to paint a mural at the walls, and there are new murals every year. So now you have this whole neighborhood that’s got graffiti art everywhere—and I’m not talking like, your shitty bubble letter graffiti. This shit is the real deal. Get a tour with Wynwood Art Walk before you go see the walls, so you actually know what you’re looking at and aren’t just an annoying tourist. Then go out and be basic and have a full-on photoshoot in front of your favorite murals—you’ll come out with one-of-a-kind pictures…except for everyone else who took the same photos in front of the same walls.
Washington Park Hotel
Located within a five-minute walk to the beach, Washington Park Hotel is an Insta-worthy hotel that even non-influencers can afford. The exterior of each of the hotel’s four buildings are done in the retro art deco style that’s been preserved since the early 20th century. Inside, the chic retro rooms are decorated in an updated art deco style with modern photographs by artists and influencers including Jason Peterson, Ryan Parrilla, Stephen Vanasco and 13thWitness. The hotel bar, Swizzle, makes oversize tropical drinks adorned with local flora, and the frontside pool is an ideal location for lounging and snapping.
After the literal shit show that has been 2017, the countdown to spring break is pretty much the only thing keeping me somewhat sane this winter. I mean, after following the summer’s Rob and Chyna drama, keeping up with Miley’s non-stoner revival, and dealing with the news that every man on TV is a sexual predator, it’s been a hard year, and no amount of tequila shots or Kylie Lip Kits can get me through this time quite like spring break can. Picking a destination is so much more complicated than a JetBlue flight and a cheap Airbnb, so we thought we’d help you out. Here’s where all your sorority sisters will probs be headed this year, so we came up with a few important points to consider before you book.
1. Cancun
Let’s start with Cancun because it’s basically the OG spring break destination. Betches have been flocking to Cancun for spring break since the concept first existed, and it’s not because of our soft spot for guac (although it low-key makes for a good chaser). Cancun is the best place to go because it was literally built as a spring break city. Every hotel is on the beach, and they all have all-inclusive packages. The beach can get pretty ratchet during the day, but if you drink enough, you definitely won’t care. Going downtown at night is the best part, because the clubs are huge and you can definitely get a great Instagram of you looking hot on an elevated surface.
2. Miami
Going to Miami for spring break is a little less ratchet than Mexico, but it’s also amazing if you don’t mind the fact that every girl looks like Sofia Vergara and every guy is an entitled douche who knows too much about house music. Keep in mind that Miami is a legit city where shit like Art Basel takes place so the night scene is a little more exclusive, but then again the slimy LIV bouncers don’t seem to have a problem letting a hot group of college-aged girls in. You’ll probably get a sick tan, see Jonathan Cheban in the Fountainebleau lobby, and avoid PV’s food poisoning, which is always a plus.
3. Vegas
We’ve always loved Vegas, but then again we’ve been completely blackout every time we’ve gone, so we can’t really remember deets. Anyway, if you’re looking for a Hangover-esque trip minus Ed Helms and his missing teeth, Vegas is one of the only places to find it. It’s basically Disney World for reckless adults and reckless pseudo-adults like you. Vegas is seriously a free-for-all, which means no one gives a shit if you’re on molly in the hotel lobby or flirting with guys at the casino to get them to buy you a table at the club later on. Works every time.
4. Punta Cana & Puerto Vallarta
I know these are two different places, but let’s group them together because they’re basically the same vibe when it comes to spring break. PC and PV are both places betches go if you’re looking to black out in the cheapest way on the prettiest beach. They always have group rates and all-expenses-paid hotel deals, so it’s an ideal place if you’re going with a huge group and can’t separate from your 34 closest Tri Delt sisters. You’ll probably be hungover on the beach at 8am, but then again you’ll be surrounded by hundreds of other 21-year-olds in the same boat, so it’s cool.
5. Bahamas Cruise
A cruise is a solid spring break option because of the open bar and the included meals, and even better if there’s a casino or clubs on board too. Keep in mind that not all cruises are created equal, though, so don’t just book a ticket to any cheap deal you find online that promises an “unforgettable week” with “no passport required.” Like, are you trying to get killed? Also remember you’ll prob end up vomiting over the side of the ship after one too many mojitos at the deck party, but then again I guess you’d be doing that anywhere. Just make sure that if you’re going to puke, it’s from alcohol and not Norovirus.
6. Myrtle Beach & Palm Springs
Depending on if you’re an East Coast or West Coast betch, Myrtle Beach and Palm Springs are two classic spring break destinations, and they’re both resort towns, which means you’ll be blacking out with people who have been raging since Fourth of July. You’ll probably end up drinking on the beach during the day and pregaming at Señor Frogs before you go out at night. I mean, the nightlife scene is kinda trashy, but then again you’re in college, the flights are cheaper than the ones to Cabo, and you probably won’t die from bootleg liquor.
7. Daytona Beach
If you’ve never heard of Daytona Beach, it’s because it’s basically Miami’s younger cousin who shops at Forever21 and rages like she’s on Jersey Shore season 3. Daytona Beach is only an option if you’re literally broke and don’t care about appearances, but you’ll definitely feel the difference unless you’re literally on too many drugs to care that you’re partying on a dirty beach with 45-year olds. I mean, the city is known for their NASCAR race track and their Motorsports Hall of Fame, so don’t expect a luxury spring break. But then again if you’re 22 and all you care about is taking shots of Smirnoff near a body of water, go for it. Just avoid the geotags. They’re not doing anything for you.
