There’s one event every little girl dreams of from the moment she waltzes out of the womb. Her dress, her friends by her side, and all eyes in the vicinity on her. She pictures the photo ops, the food, and the painfully tacky matching outfits that she’ll force her girls to wear.
I’m talking, of course, about her bachelorette party.
Let’s be clear, whether it’s a weekend full of wine and whining about exes or a week-long drug fest in the middle of the desert, there’s no right or wrong way to say goodbye to your single life. And while the party is ultimately about what *you* want (and how much you can afford to spend), the destination you choose might say a little more about who you are than you (or your carefully curated Instagram) would have thought.
The only thing worse than a bachelorette party in Florida is a bachelorette party in Florida that doesn’t involve going to the beach. Enter: The Disney-obsessed bride. Whether you make the trek to Orlando or Anaheim (at least it’s Cali), having your *gag* last fling at a place designed for CHILDREN is the epitome of a nightmare for most. Not, however, to your friend who will INSIST that everyone gets matching ears and Mickey ice cream bars for a picture that screams more “sober sorority sisterhood retreat” and less “this is my last chance to get truly ratchet that’s all about me.”
Sure, the bride who grew up with princess syndrome and a thirst for waiting in longgggg lines for infant rides will be in heaven. Her friends, however, will be in an overpriced hell that doesn’t serve nearly enough vodka. But come on, what else would you expect from a bride who plans to enter her wedding venue on a horse and carriage and calls her fiancé Prince Charming?
Bridal Personality: What personality? KIDDING! When she’s not wishing upon stars and singing with woodland creatures, she’s having missionary sex with her high school sweetheart-turned-fiancé.
Charleston’s more exciting southern cousin, Savannah, has recently become a go-to destination for the less-ballsy of brides. Don’t get me wrong—thanks to the lack of open-container laws, there is still plenty of drinking to be done here, but the girl who chooses Savannah for her party is more of a “bless your heart” and less of a “let’s do f*cking lines in the bathroom” kind of bride. She tends to turn her nose up at shots, specifically stated that strippers were a no-go, and wanted either a day of exercise or sight-seeing to be a part of the itinerary. Fun!
Savannah, like the bride, is cute. Safe. Fun, but not overly so. A big fan of brunch, cocktails, and getting some solid sleep and sober bonding time, the girl who chooses this Georgia town is the epitome of normal. Not cliché, not lame, but not wild. Just your standard, in the middle, could-be-anyone kind of bride.
Bridal Personality: Her bridesmaids will be in blush, she’ll be in an A-line, and her first dance will be something sung by either Ed Sheeran or John Legend.
Napa Valley, CA
It takes a special kind of bride to forgo the traditional weekend of debauchery and sleazeball flirting for free drinks in exchange for a quiet weekend of memory making and merlot. Whether this bride is officially over her crazy streak or she never had one at all, the fact that she’s choosing to rock maxi dresses instead of bikinis and wine glasses instead of shot glasses says it all—for better or for worse.
While no, you might not feel like the grand or so you dished out (more if you’re flying from the East Coast) to sit around a cheese-filled table, drink wine, and talk sh*t is worth it, the bride, while generally a nice-enough girl, doesn’t really care. A true bitch on the inside, she’s not going to go to a party destination just because it’s expected of her. She’s happy to force her friends to travel far and wide to do the same thing they could do literally anywhere else in the country, but this time in sun hats.
Bridal Personality: After getting married at her parents’ country club and honeymooning in either Paris or going on a week-long cruise, the bride and her run-of-the-mill hubby will immediately get working on popping out their 2.5 babies before she opens up her Etsy shop and spends afternoons at the local barre class.
A Cruise (Most Likely To The Bahamas Or Equivalent)
For the bride who doesn’t actually want to go somewhere, but still expects her party to shell out way more money than anyone can afford, I give you: The Cruise Bride-to-be. With her captain’s hat, mouthwash bottles full of green-colored vodka, and matching shirts for her group that say either “last sail before the veil” or “let’s get ship faced,” she’s hoping a weekend boat ride to f*cking Cancun will give her enough Insta content to last until her wedding photos come in.
While it might not seem like it, the bride who chooses a cruise is possibly the most attention-seeking one of them all. Not only will the bach organizer (most likely the bride in this case because, hello? Not much planning goes into a cruise other than, you know, getting ON the cruise, and this bride probs didn’t trust her MOH to do even that) avoid any chance of last-minute cancelations that leave her with the bill, but she’ll feel like a little celebrity on the ship until she realizes just how small a giant boat can feel, especially if there’s a competing bride onboard.
While sure, sharing an inside cabin for 72+ hours with four other people who tend to be insufferable when drunk is the definition of hell, the bride honestly couldn’t care less. She just wanted to avoid arguments over splitting dinners and Ubers, work on her tan, and ensure no one can tune out her drunken ramblings while scrolling through Instagram because the odds of your wifi working are slim to none. Sneaky bitch.
Bridal Personality: Slightly insufferable. Chill—I said slightly! Sure, she loves a good daiquiri and beach day, but instead of keeping it low-key and going to Florida or some sh*t, she’s literally holding you and your frenemies hostage for a weekend that will involve hula hoop competitions and *shudders* cruise-planned group activities.
The Luke Bryan-loving, boot-wearing, cowboy-hat-with-a-veil-rocking friend of yours is INSISTING that all of her best bitches meet her in the land of hot chicken and honky-tonk: Nashville. While sure, it’s not the most original place to visit, let’s be real, the bride has never been a “think outside the box” kind of gal. She’s more of a “chug a whiskey, ride a mechanical bull, and almost cheat on her fiancé the first night out” sort of bride.
Still, what she lacks in originality (and sobriety), she at least makes up for in the fact that you’ll be visiting a city where getting sh*tfaced and wearing Daisy Dukes is a requirement. If you’re not a fan of country music (unlike your bridal bestie, of course), you’ll be in a twang-talking hell, but this bride? She DGAF. She’s here for three reasons only: flirting with Southern boys, blacking out on Lower Broadway, and coming back completely bloated on fried food.
Bridal Personality: She has at least one item of non-ironic camo clothing hanging in her closet.
Las Vegas, NV
Honestly, from the moment we learned what Las Vegas even was, almost all of us have dreamt of throwing our last hurrahs (ugh, hate that term) there. Still, as bills, life, and other bachelorette parties ensued, the idea of making everyone we know travel to the middle of f*cking nowhere, Nevada to party in the desert seemed like a little too much. But not, of course, for the bride who still insists on a Vegas bachelorette.
The epitome of a “no sh*ts given” bitch, the Vegas bachelorette bride isn’t looking for a low-key weekend of yoga and bonding. She’s looking for an “all eyes on me, drinking ’round the clock, soul-crushing hangover” kind of party. She doesn’t care that a Vegas bachelorette is the epitome of cliché. She’s throwing on her biggest pair of hoops and flipping off anyone who has a problem with her party destination of choice. Whether it’s because she’s the hottest, the loudest, the richest, or all of the above, in your group, she’s used to being the center of attention. So, naturally, a place where bars literally BEG you to come drink for free and take thirst-trap Instagram pics and where pool parties are meant to put your relationships in question, is the definition of a good time for her. Enjoy throwing your money away at the slots and pulling the bride away from the hot bartender before she crosses a line she can’t uncross.
Bridal Personality: “Jenny, I don’t give a F*CK if you’re tired. It’s only 4-f*cking-am. Did we come to party or did we come to be a little bitch?”
As someone who lived in Austin for five years post-grad, it’s easy to see why this is quickly becoming one of the best bach party destinations. With lots of bar areas, tons of painted murals for validation-hungry gals to take pictures in front of, and an absurd amount of tacos, it truly has something for everyone, and the bride who chose this spot knew that 100%. A people-pleaser, she chose the destination that will make all of the bridesmaids happy (or at least not totally pissed off for having to shell out money on Disney apparel).
Between the non-stop food trucks, the nature-friendly activities, and the debauchery that takes place on Dirty 6th street, this one is a smart political choice for the girl who isn’t looking to ruffle any feathers. Sure, the girl picking this is a little weirder and more out there (as goes along with Austin’s motto) than your average Vegas bitch, but at the end of the day, she wants a party that’s well-rounded, liked by all, and juuust wild-enough. Yes, she’s playing the popularity game, but at the end of the trip, she’ll be the least likely to lose friends over a bachelorette-induced fight.
Bridal Personality: A night out for her college friends, mural posing for her blogger friends, a hike for her outdoorsy friends, and a bomb-ass brunch for the foodies, this bride is the epitome of a “make everyone else happy even if I hate my own event” kind of girl.
New Orleans, LA
Between the lack of an open container law, the plethora of strip clubs, and the abundance of absinthe, the bride who chooses NOLA for her bach is not. here. to. mess. around. Most likely she was the party girl in college and despite toning it down a bit post-grad, she’s still usually the first to suggest doing shots on a casual night out. While it’s not exactly original and you’ll see at least three other bachelorette parties as you parade (literally) down Bourbon, it makes up for it in the sense that you can stock up on cheap alcohol and carry it in the street as you go from bar to bar (or po’ boy place to po’ boy place).
And this bride? She’s not looking to be completely original. She’s looking to have a Vegas-caliber party in an Austin-type town, with Charleston-esque food, and Nashville-level hospitality. Plus, you know, with some voodoo sh*t thrown in. There’s a 0% chance the bride will leave until she’s flashed a stranger, been face-first in some titties, gotten tangled up in some voodoo sh*t, and gone up two sizes due to her constant diet of beignets. It’s not for everyone, but this is a bride who knows exactly what she wants.
Bridal Personality: If it’s not fried, flirting, or freaking her tf out, it’s not for this bride.
Rich? Extra? Has had at least one major plastic surgery? Say hello to your Miami bachelorette bride, the friend who has no idea what the concept of money or packing light is. As soon as she rolls up to the overpriced Airbnb or sketchy hotel where you sleep four to a room with her four suitcases in tow, you’ll know you’re in for one of the most exhausting bachelorette parties in wedding history.
Sure, every bach party is expensive, but the Miami party girl brings it to a whole other level. From the pool parties that come with $1,000 food and drink minimums to single dinners that cost more than your weekly grocery budget, it’s easy to rack up a hefty bill, even with all of the spots on South Beach bribing you to come into their bars so they can fill them up. So, why did she pick this place for her pain-inducing party? Three words: She’s a babe. And the best place to show off her meticulously toned muscles, expensively highlighted hair, and “paid for by her fiancé” boob job? You guessed it. Mi-f*cking-ami. Pro tip: if your group isn’t up for Miami, go the chiller (and cheaper) route of Fort Lauderdale.
Bridal Personality: Is she rich? Yup. Is she hot? Yup. Do you kinda hate her? Yup! Still, it’s better to be miserable and be friends with her than to not be friends with her at all.
Somewhere Out Of The Country
You all tried to talk your friend out of having her bach party abroad the same way you tried to talk her out of getting bangs in college. But now, like then, it fell upon deaf ears. Too good for what everyone else does, the bride who makes a whole bunch of her friends fly across the world in order to get some IGs is not only to be feared, she’s not to be messed with.
As soon as you get the “make sure your passports are up-to-date, ladies” text, take a few deep breaths and accept the fact that you’re already in too deep. This friendship is in charge of your life now, and you’re just along for the ride. Anyone who would willingly make her friends get drunk abroad instead of at any of the zillion locales they could do the same thing at in the U.S. is officially the bridezilla we’ve all been warned about. From insisting you all get matching passport-holders, luggage tags, and side-by-side first-class tickets, to getting pissed when someone dares to suggest she’s being a little too extra, this bride is officially too far gone to be reckoned with. Hold on for dear life and report your credit card stolen for fraud when you get back t0 the states—this one’s going to be a doozie.
Bridal Personality: Have a problem? She doesn’t want to hear it because she’s the f*cking bride and by God, she’s going to get EXACTLY what she wants.
Images: Andrew R Simoneaux; Sogol Salehi, Ashley Knedler, Trevor Gerzen, Fernando Jorge, Drew Hays, Nicola Tolin, Clark Van Der Beken, mana5280, mprage, Jealous Weekends / Unsplash
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