Starbucks Made A Mermaid Frappuccino, And It’s A No From us

Tbh, I’ve never understood the whole mermaid obsession. Like, I get it if you’re a 5-year-old who just went to Disney World for the first time. But a bunch of post-grad betches running around with mermaid crowns and blue-ish green colored toast? Ya look stupid. And why male models mermaids? Is it because of The Little Mermaid? Because that’s a cool movie and all, but Ariel also got married when she was 16 to a dude who just liked her because she was naked upon arrival and didn’t speak. No fucking thanks. But regardless of my disdain for the extra af mermaid freaks, Starbucks is giving in and creating a mermaid Frappuccino. And all the basic bitches go wild.


In terms of what the new frap looks like, it’s a pale green color with light blue whipped cream and big-ass purple sprinkles, and most importantly, it’s v Instagram-able. Personally, I like this look more than the unicorn frap because that shit just looks like Lisa Frank threw up in a glass. The mermaid option is more subtle. The taste, however, is questionable at best. It’s the standard cream base with melon and “magical flavor of the sea.” Okay. Let’s start with cream base and melon… Ew. Who tf wants that? Can’t we just do like, mint chocolate chip or something? And don’t even get me started on this “magical flavor of the sea” business. I’m gonna need a fucking ingredient list on that, Starbucks. Is it fishy or salty? Either way I’m gonna have to pass on that. Thanks tho…

No From Me

For all of you who have always dreamed a of a sea-flavored frap or just care that much about basic beverage posts on their ‘Gram, bad news. It’s only available in Mexico, which seems random to me, but fine. It has something to do with the ingredients not being in the US which makes literally no sense since both melons and oceans are available here. But it also makes me wonder what kinds of drugs they’re putting in it… hmm, maybe I should stop hating on this drink. No word yet on if the mermaid Frappuccino will ever make its way stateside, but look at the bright side: now you have an excuse for a Mexican vacay.

Read: Gin Rosé Is The New Drink For People Who Are Both Basic And Psycho
Mermaid Toast Is The Latest Hipster Food Trend That’s Ruining Bread For The Rest Of Us

Every so often something so extra comes along that it’s almost hard to even believe such extraness can even exist. The past year alone has given us succulent nails and permanent freckle tattoos for the face. Usually these stupid fads are relegated to the beauty realm, but occasionally they seep into the one thing we love most: food. Remember rainbow bagels, rainbow grilled cheese, and Oreo bagels? Yeah, we tried our best to forget, but our memory-zapping devices had a glitch so we couldn’t quite erase these bastardized hipster foods from our memory. After the shit show that was 2016, we thought we’d seen it all. But nothing could have possibly prepared us for what’s currently sweeping the blogs and Instas of foodies girls with an iPhone everywhere: fucking mermaid toast.

Your first question is probably “wtf is mermaid toast?” and if you’d just slow your roll for a second, we will get to it. But first I’d like to give a shoutout to whichever unhappy, bored white girl thought of this, because this is truly a testament to how far we as a race have come in our basicness. We all thought avocado toast was the be-all and end-all of basic white girl foods, but mermaid toast blows this toast out of the water. Pun intended, because I’m the worst person alive. So the next time someone tries to make fun of you because you ordered avocado toast at brunch, kindly show them this shit and let them know it could be a hell of a lot worse:

Move over rainbow bagels, mermaid toast rules the internet now:

— Eater (@Eater) March 13, 2017

I KNOW. Don’t be fooled; this shit may look pretty, but it sounds gross af. It starts with toast (groundbreaking I know) then is smeared with almond milk cream cheese—because, of fucking course you can’t just use regular cream cheese that comes from a cow—and finally the mermaid part: blue algae powder. That’s right. What you thought was just blue food coloring (because that’s what normal people would do) is actually made from sea plants. Fucking ew. Talk about eating for the Insta, because who in their right mind would eat that for the taste? You’re left with a swirly blue-green piece of toast that’s kind of pretty I guess but also kind of looks like that time I forgot to throw out a tub of Philadelphia five months past the expiration date.

Real Housewives

Also, can we fucking stop with the mermaid obsession already? Like, I get it. You wore a mermaid crown to Coachella and Ariel is your fave Disney princess and you live for a beach vaycay and moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty. But none of that shit makes you a mermaid. Sorry, it just doesn’t. But if you want to spend your life thinking you’re half fish, half person, be my fucking guest. Just please stop with the mermaid toast. It’s gross, no one cares, and you look basic af.

Read: Stop Trying To Make Mermaid Crowns Happen