Tbh, I’ve never understood the whole mermaid obsession. Like, I get it if you’re a 5-year-old who just went to Disney World for the first time. But a bunch of post-grad betches running around with mermaid crowns and blue-ish green colored toast? Ya look stupid. And why
male models mermaids? Is it because of The Little Mermaid? Because that’s a cool movie and all, but Ariel also got married when she was 16 to a dude who just liked her because she was naked upon arrival and didn’t speak. No fucking thanks. But regardless of my disdain for the extra af mermaid freaks, Starbucks is giving in and creating a mermaid Frappuccino. And all the basic bitches go wild.
In terms of what the new frap looks like, it’s a pale green color with light blue whipped cream and big-ass purple sprinkles, and most importantly, it’s v Instagram-able. Personally, I like this look more than the unicorn frap because that shit just looks like Lisa Frank threw up in a glass. The mermaid option is more subtle. The taste, however, is questionable at best. It’s the standard cream base with melon and “magical flavor of the sea.” Okay. Let’s start with cream base and melon… Ew. Who tf wants that? Can’t we just do like, mint chocolate chip or something? And don’t even get me started on this “magical flavor of the sea” business. I’m gonna need a fucking ingredient list on that, Starbucks. Is it fishy or salty? Either way I’m gonna have to pass on that. Thanks tho…
For all of you who have always dreamed a of a sea-flavored frap or just care that much about basic beverage posts on their ‘Gram, bad news. It’s only available in Mexico, which seems random to me, but fine. It has something to do with the ingredients not being in the US which makes literally no sense since both melons and oceans are available here. But it also makes me wonder what kinds of drugs they’re putting in it… hmm, maybe I should stop hating on this drink. No word yet on if the mermaid Frappuccino will ever make its way stateside, but look at the bright side: now you have an excuse for a Mexican vacay.
— 18d.Media (@18dMedia) August 26, 2017
Mazel Tov! You’re getting married. Or you’re balls deep in a breakup and fantasizing hard about a day when a man comes into your life who doesn’t turn out to be a total fuckboy as soon as you hook up. Either way, you’re obsessed with weddings right now. Despite being a completely outdated societal norm that reinforces the idea that women are nada unless they have a man who loves them, it’s something we all dream about our entire lives. Hey, no one ever accused me of being a romantic, but even I’m all fired up about putting on a big cotton ball of a dress just to have some poor dude proclaim that he’s officially whipped in the name of the Lord and the government. I blame Say Yes To The Dress tbh. Like, fuck you Randy for making me all basic and shit. How dare you? I’m supposed to be a card carrying feminist out here in my pussy hat and yet the minute somebody mentions floral arrangements, I’m suddenly full of opinions. It’s the eternal paradox. Anyway, to help you judge the shit out of almost-married besties this wedding season or make sure you don’t commit bridal fashion suicide if you’re you’re the one saying “I do,” here’s what your wedding dress style says about you.
If you dream of having a dress so big you can hardly walk down the aisle, you def want a ball gown, meaning you’re a basic AF bride. You probably say shit about wanting to feel like a princess on your big day and all your bridesmaids def commence talking shit about you as soon as you leave the room. Just trust me. They are. You’re the type that’s dreamed/talked/pinned about this day for-fucking-ever and you’re super optimistic about getting married, even though deep down you know a lack of interesting sex with a man who is developing a beer belly is in your future. You’ll start a mommy blog once you have kids and make everything look like it’s perfect, but you’ll have a secret stash of vodka and maybe a little weed in your nightstand for the one day a year when you’re actually allowed to enjoy life.
Mermaid/Trumpet/Fit And Flare
First things first, what’s the fucking difference? And even if there is a slight difference, is three different names for something that’s virtually the same really necessary? I’m gonna say no. But I digress. If this is the kind of dress you go for, you’re confident and hot but you understand that your 90-year-old Meemaw doesn’t want to see you looking like a hoe on your wedding day. Ever since you got engaged, you haven’t eaten carbs (except for that one drunken pizza binge at your bachelorette) and you’ve been hitting up SoulCycle every morning. You’re super successful at work thanks in large part to your type A personality. Because of this, you’re obsessing over every detail of your wedding and have had at least four nervous breakdowns planning this shit. You’re excited for it to be over with so you can finally relax, but let’s be honest, you’ll find something else to obsess over in a matter of days. Probably like, a baby or some shit.
If this style is for you, you’re the trashy bride. I mean, at least you’re bold, right? You’re marrying someone who’s rich AF because there’s no way you’d settle for one dick the rest of your life if there wasn’t some benefit in it for you. You were the lush of your sorority in college and while you were excited to get married at first, the whole “till death do us part” thing has you wigging the fuck out the closer you get to your wedding. In a few years, you’ll get a role on Real Housewives because you need to do something for you and after two seasons you and your husband will call it quits. You’ll say it’s because the pressure of living your life on reality TV magnified your problems, but it’s really because you were bored out of your fucking mind. In a year or so, you’ll try releasing a pop single and it’ll be embarrassing for literally everyone.
Hold on. I need to wait for this massive eye roll to end before I can put together my thoughts. Okay cool. I’m finished. A tea-length wedding dress is reserved specifically for hipster brides and people who are roughly a thousand times less cute than they think they are. At your wedding, everything will be DIY because “you couldn’t find anything that truly embodied your essence” and you will literally tell everyone in earshot about it. For favors, you and your fiancé brewed your own beer that’s fucking disgusting if I had to guess and made custom labels that say “Let Love Brew.” Vomit. IRL, you pride yourself on not having the type of job the status quo—or as you like to call it, “The Man”—expects you to have. So like, you harvest bees and sell honey on the side of the road or some shit. Idk. Long story short: You’re the worst. Welcome to your tape.
Isn’t one $10,000 dress for one evening of your life enough? If your answer to this question is no, you’re extra af. You care way too much about what everyone thinks and you’re going to be so tied up in everyone’s opinion of you and your wedding, you’re going to be fucking miserable the day of. In general, you try way harder than you need to at pretty much everything you do. Out of your 12 bridesmaids, only 4 or 5 would consider you a close enough friend to have them in their wedding, and all of them are pissed about how much money they had to spend making your destination bachelorette happen. Ouch. In a few years, you’ll pop out a kid or two and quit your job to be a full-time mom so you can take up tennis at your local country club and become the president of PTA.
Your Mom’s Dress
If you insist on wearing your mom’s old haggard wedding dress from the 80s, you’re a typical nicegirl. Everything you do in life revolves around what’s best for others rather than looking out for #1 and because of this you’ve been walked on by everyone you know. Tragic. You think wearing your mom’s dress will be a sweet gesture and will make her v happy, but did you even think about yourself? I mean, it’s your fucking day and you’re gonna wear some tacky shit from the 80s? I’d feel bad for you except you’re also the type that would only have beer and wine at your reception, fuck maybe even no alcohol at all, and I don’t feel bad for people who pull that kind of shit on their friends.
Brides who choose A-line dresses are sophisticated, classic betches, not just on their wedding day but in general. Unlike most brides, you’ve been chill throughout the entire wedding process and not a total nightmare so you’ll still have friends other than your spouse once this whole thing is over. You’re like really really pretty and don’t need a super tight dress to be the hottest girl in the room. You’re the type that won’t change after you get married. You’ll still hang out with all your friends and not be lame AF and for sure won’t keep your wedding portraits as your prof pic for too long. When you have a kid, you’ll name it something normal and have the appropriate amount of involvement in its day to day life. Congratulations. You win.
How long is it acceptable to keep your wedding profile pic up? Find out here!
Food trends are weird. Sometimes, it’s basically just everyone discovering a food that already existed, like avocados in approximately 2011. (Seriously, what did we put on our toast before? I honestly can’t remember.) But some trendy foods are a little more questionable, like turning every kind of food into sushi, or a burrito, or the invention of cronuts. But while these fad foods are a bit strange, this new food craze is fucking batshit. It’s basically the rainbow food trend of 2016, only this time it’s somehow even more hipster-y and annoying. Brace yourselves.
People on Instagram have started using weird ingredients to make foods that look like a “galaxy” pattern, or with super bright colors to look like “mermaid” or “unicorn” shit. Yes, this is real. We’ve already exposed the horror that is mermaid toast, and unfortunately, moldy-looking cream cheese on bread is only the beginning.
People Hipsters are not stopping at toast, and there’s no telling what they will fuck up next in the name of a few Instagram likes.
monstrosities foods as a whole have been dubbed “Lisa Frankenfoods,” and that’s scary accurate, but also it makes us want to kill ourselves. These nightmare people spend way too much time and energy making all their food weird colors, and in case that wasn’t extra enough, they usually add some stars and moon shapes on top for good measure extra basicness. Because it’s totally normal to spend hours wandering the sprinkles aisle at Kroger to find some stars to put on your fucking toast.
The most popular example you’ve probably seen is the rainbow bagel. But like, why does it need to be a rainbow? The colors don’t even taste like anything, and you know it’s a complete pain in the ass to make. But either way, some hipster in Brooklyn had an idea and now the damn thing is Instagram famous. Honestly though, that’s just the tip of the iceberg, and we’ve been dealing with the rainbow bagel for a year now, so it’s nothing new.
“I’ve got 99 problems, but a bagel ain’t one” [email protected]__christina
Enjoy the world’s most beautiful bagel! https://t.co/Q62XrT0JeQ #NYC pic.twitter.com/fxXAW7ve4l
— The Bagel Store (@thebagelstore) March 26, 2017
The real issues are the new mermaid and galaxy foods because they typically combine the two worst people alive: hipsters and vegans. These people love foods like chia pudding and smoothie bowls, and they ruin them by adding this powder shit called “Blue Majik,” which is apparently an Australian superfood but we’re not convinced. Really, should you be eating something from a company that spells “Majik” like that? No? We didn’t think so.
Blue Mermaid Smoothie Bowl with E3Live Blue Majik https://t.co/fTYetXm7cb via @GOTSA_ pic.twitter.com/QvzbKiyG1N
— Oh Snap! Let’s Eat! (@ohsnapletseat) August 16, 2016
Also, how does the above bowl qualify as “mermaid,” exactly? It’s just blue.
Introducing the latest foodie trend – vegan galaxy toast https://t.co/7jScKL0Vff pic.twitter.com/dBQQuPZA3n
— Harper’s Bazaar UK (@BazaarUK) March 20, 2017
We won’t lie, the galaxy shit looks kind of cool, but wouldn’t you rather have it on like your computer background, or maybe some basic leggings if you’re going to EDC Vegas? There’s really no need to ruin your cream cheese by adding swirls of black food coloring, so just don’t. We like visually appealing food, but it’s food, not your fucking middle school art project. Also, please stop trying to make everything into a mermaid or a unicorn or Lisa Frank. Like, we get it, you miss the 90s and you can’t let go of your childhood and you have some lingering daddy issues that you’re attempting to deal with by eating your feelings, literally. But please stop assaulting my Instagram feed with this nonsense. Just do what everybody else who still harbors resentment towards their absent father does, and fuck a bunch of old dudes. Or buy a Disney princess bikini. Your call.