Food trends are weird. Sometimes, it’s basically just everyone discovering a food that already existed, like avocados in approximately 2011. (Seriously, what did we put on our toast before? I honestly can’t remember.) But some trendy foods are a little more questionable, like turning every kind of food into sushi, or a burrito, or the invention of cronuts. But while these fad foods are a bit strange, this new food craze is fucking batshit. It’s basically the rainbow food trend of 2016, only this time it’s somehow even more hipster-y and annoying. Brace yourselves.
People on Instagram have started using weird ingredients to make foods that look like a “galaxy” pattern, or with super bright colors to look like “mermaid” or “unicorn” shit. Yes, this is real. We’ve already exposed the horror that is mermaid toast, and unfortunately, moldy-looking cream cheese on bread is only the beginning.
People Hipsters are not stopping at toast, and there’s no telling what they will fuck up next in the name of a few Instagram likes.
monstrosities foods as a whole have been dubbed “Lisa Frankenfoods,” and that’s scary accurate, but also it makes us want to kill ourselves. These nightmare people spend way too much time and energy making all their food weird colors, and in case that wasn’t extra enough, they usually add some stars and moon shapes on top for good measure extra basicness. Because it’s totally normal to spend hours wandering the sprinkles aisle at Kroger to find some stars to put on your fucking toast.
The most popular example you’ve probably seen is the rainbow bagel. But like, why does it need to be a rainbow? The colors don’t even taste like anything, and you know it’s a complete pain in the ass to make. But either way, some hipster in Brooklyn had an idea and now the damn thing is Instagram famous. Honestly though, that’s just the tip of the iceberg, and we’ve been dealing with the rainbow bagel for a year now, so it’s nothing new.
“I’ve got 99 problems, but a bagel ain’t one” [email protected]__christina
Enjoy the world’s most beautiful bagel! https://t.co/Q62XrT0JeQ #NYC pic.twitter.com/fxXAW7ve4l
— The Bagel Store (@thebagelstore) March 26, 2017
The real issues are the new mermaid and galaxy foods because they typically combine the two worst people alive: hipsters and vegans. These people love foods like chia pudding and smoothie bowls, and they ruin them by adding this powder shit called “Blue Majik,” which is apparently an Australian superfood but we’re not convinced. Really, should you be eating something from a company that spells “Majik” like that? No? We didn’t think so.
Blue Mermaid Smoothie Bowl with E3Live Blue Majik https://t.co/fTYetXm7cb via @GOTSA_ pic.twitter.com/QvzbKiyG1N
— Oh Snap! Let’s Eat! (@ohsnapletseat) August 16, 2016
Also, how does the above bowl qualify as “mermaid,” exactly? It’s just blue.
Introducing the latest foodie trend – vegan galaxy toast https://t.co/7jScKL0Vff pic.twitter.com/dBQQuPZA3n
— Harper’s Bazaar UK (@BazaarUK) March 20, 2017
We won’t lie, the galaxy shit looks kind of cool, but wouldn’t you rather have it on like your computer background, or maybe some basic leggings if you’re going to EDC Vegas? There’s really no need to ruin your cream cheese by adding swirls of black food coloring, so just don’t. We like visually appealing food, but it’s food, not your fucking middle school art project. Also, please stop trying to make everything into a mermaid or a unicorn or Lisa Frank. Like, we get it, you miss the 90s and you can’t let go of your childhood and you have some lingering daddy issues that you’re attempting to deal with by eating your feelings, literally. But please stop assaulting my Instagram feed with this nonsense. Just do what everybody else who still harbors resentment towards their absent father does, and fuck a bunch of old dudes. Or buy a Disney princess bikini. Your call.
Every so often something so extra comes along that it’s almost hard to even believe such extraness can even exist. The past year alone has given us succulent nails and permanent freckle tattoos for the face. Usually these stupid fads are relegated to the beauty realm, but occasionally they seep into the one thing we love most: food. Remember rainbow bagels, rainbow grilled cheese, and Oreo bagels? Yeah, we tried our best to forget, but our memory-zapping devices had a glitch so we couldn’t quite erase these bastardized hipster foods from our memory. After the shit show that was 2016, we thought we’d seen it all. But nothing could have possibly prepared us for what’s currently sweeping the blogs and Instas of foodies girls with an iPhone everywhere: fucking mermaid toast.
Your first question is probably “wtf is mermaid toast?” and if you’d just slow your roll for a second, we will get to it. But first I’d like to give a shoutout to whichever unhappy, bored white girl thought of this, because this is truly a testament to how far we as a race have come in our basicness. We all thought avocado toast was the be-all and end-all of basic white girl foods, but mermaid toast blows this toast out of the water. Pun intended, because I’m the worst person alive. So the next time someone tries to make fun of you because you ordered avocado toast at brunch, kindly show them this shit and let them know it could be a hell of a lot worse:
Move over rainbow bagels, mermaid toast rules the internet now: https://t.co/RcgomziEdV pic.twitter.com/4kSNF5GX8p
— Eater (@Eater) March 13, 2017
I KNOW. Don’t be fooled; this shit may look pretty, but it sounds gross af. It starts with toast (groundbreaking I know) then is smeared with almond milk cream cheese—because, of fucking course you can’t just use regular cream cheese that comes from a cow—and finally the mermaid part: blue algae powder. That’s right. What you thought was just blue food coloring (because that’s what normal people would do) is actually made from sea plants. Fucking ew. Talk about eating for the Insta, because who in their right mind would eat that for the taste? You’re left with a swirly blue-green piece of toast that’s kind of pretty I guess but also kind of looks like that time I forgot to throw out a tub of Philadelphia five months past the expiration date.
Also, can we fucking stop with the mermaid obsession already? Like, I get it. You wore a mermaid crown to Coachella and Ariel is your fave Disney princess and you live for a beach vaycay and moisture is the essence of wetness and wetness is the essence of beauty. But none of that shit makes you a mermaid. Sorry, it just doesn’t. But if you want to spend your life thinking you’re half fish, half person, be my fucking guest. Just please stop with the mermaid toast. It’s gross, no one cares, and you look basic af.