The Good Kind Of Mercury: Weekly Horoscopes May 6-10

Mercury gets a bad rep because of its tendency to go retrograde and ruin our lives, but Mercury can do good things for your life, too! For example, Mercury is chilling in Taurus this week, meaning it’s going to bring some calm, grounded energy to your previously hectic Aries life. Take advantage of it, and don’t forget to say thank you. Maybe Mercury will go less hard on you next time it’s retrograde. Here’s what Mercury and the stars have in store for you this week—good luck, and don’t f*ck it up.

Aries

Good news for your attention span (or lack thereof), Aries! Mercury in Taurus is giving you the extra push you need to actually get sh*t done this week. You know that one thing you’ve been putting on your to-do list but never to-do-ing since New Years? This week is the time to actually make that happen. Then go on to procrastinating the next thing.

Taurus

You can’t help it you’re so popular, Taurus. You are all set up to be the (taco) belle of every ball this week, so getting 1-100 social events on the calendar right now is probably a good idea. If you play your cards right, you could come out of this week with multiple bomb dating app photo options. Just sayin’.

Gemini

You’re just like, so zen right now. Bust out the candles, bath bombs, mud masks, and crystals, because this week is all about getting centered. If you haven’t already downloaded a meditation app, this is the week to get on it. Also, booking a few yoga classes never hurt anyone (even if you only make it to half of them). If you find yourself on Sunday reeking of palo santo and talking about “the Universe”, you’ve done it right.

Cancer

It’s time to shake sh*t up, Cancer! Mercury in Taurus has you looking for quirky, spontaneous activities. Basically, it’s turning you into a manic pixie dream girl for the week. When you’re planning your week, just think WWLAZDD—what would literally any Zooey Deschanel character do? Then you’ll have your answer.

Leo

Missing out on happy hour may cause you serious FOMO, Leo, but save some time this week to get your career in order. Mercury in Taurus has put you in a unique position to move up in your career trajectory and put you on the path to become the boss bitch of your dreams, but you can’t do that hungover. Sorry.

Virgo

You’ve got some serious wanderlust this week, Virgo. That spring energy is hitting you hard. Put your expert Googling skills to good use and check out some cheap flights you can take ASAP. It doesn’t have to be some elaborate Ibiza getaway (though def do that if you can). Just a weekend somewhere that’s not the same damn place you’ve been every day for all of winter will suffice.

Libra

Get ready to go stealth this week, Libra. Your Mercury in Taurus means that you’re essentially a detective this week, digging up clues and solving problems. You can use these powers for good (finally looking through your debit charges and cancelling all those recurring charges you don’t actually need) or for evil (stalking your ex’s new person’s Insta and laying out a three-year plan to seduce their twin. You decide which.

Scorpio

Things are looking good in your love life this week, Scorpio! For those in a long-term relationship, expect some deep, rewarding conversations that help you take the relationship to the next level. For those not in a relationship, keep an eye out for someone to present themselves that *could* be the one. And yes, that does include on the apps.

Sagittarius

Fire up the ol’ ZocDoc and get some f*cking appointments scheduled, Sagittarius. Mercury has you in a detail-oriented mood this week, so take advantage of it by getting your life in order. Hell, why not start a bullet journal? Sure, you might abandon it by Memorial Day, but at least you’ll have finally gotten your teeth cleaned.

Capricorn

Mercury has you feeling flirty, which is perfect for the spring vibes. This is the perfect week to set up some dates, either with your current S.O. or with someone who *could* be your current S.O. if they got their sh*t together. Don’t let this glow go to waste!

Aquarius

You’re finally allowed to relax, Aquarius. Mercury in Taurus has you in a settling down mood, which is perfect because if you spent one more weekend going hard every night you might literally die. Like, literally. People die that way. Keep things chill this week. The only thing you should be “going hard” on is self-care. You can resume the partying next weekend.

Pisces

Mercury has you feeling curious and adventurous this week, so make sure to deviate from your usual routine. Suggest a new bar for happy hour, or just hit up a different lunch spot. Sure, going to the Chop’t on 6th instead of the Sweetgreen on Madison doesn’t make you Amelia Earhart, but branching out has to start somewhere.

Images: Giphy (12)

Mercury Is Making You Talk Sh*t: Weekend Horoscopes April 12-14

That bitch Mercury is acting up again. No, she’s not in retrograde, but she is teaming up with Jupiter to reduce your filter to, um, zero. Considering how little of a filter you typically have, I don’t think I need to explain how dangerous this can be. Be careful, especially when there’s alcohol involved. I can’t make your decisions for you, but I can tell you what to watch out for, in the form of your weekend horoscopes. Keep reading to find out how many “u up?” texts you’ll be dodging this weekend.

Aries

Time to download another one of those meditation apps (and actually do it this time), because this weekend is all about mindfulness. Live in the f*cking present for once! That means not spending all of Saturday waiting around for a text back. It’s like Gandhi said: “Be the text back that you want to see in the world.” (I think I got that right…)

Taurus

You’re in a glass case of emotion right now, Taurus, and that does not bode well for your friends/significant other/Alexa/any slow walkers who dare cross your path. Be sure to schedule some alone time to chill tf out to avoid any unnecessary public blowups. You don’t wanna become the next viral freakout video. It’s not a good look.

Gemini

You face a classic dilemma this weekend, Gemini. Work or play? Your desire to party your heart out and your desire to become a boss b*tch in your career are clashing hard right now. Set aside a little time for both this weekend. No need to Elle Woods it and completely miss your senior spring to study for the LSAT. We can’t all be that dedicated.

Cancer

Okay Hermione, lookatchu knowing all the answers to things. You’re going to have a Jimmy Neutron-style brain blast this weekend, meaning its probably a good time to actually sit down and do your taxes. Come Monday, all that mental fortitude will be gone and you’ll be back to watching KUWTK re-runs on E! and rewinding every 10 minutes because you missed something.

Leo

Slow your roll, Leo! You might feel in a rush to lock down your next romantic relationship, or to take your current one to the next level, but now is not the time! Instead, why don’t you try *gasp* appreciating what you already have? You might miss these will-they-won’t-they romance days 10 years from now, when your newborn baby pukes on you in public.

Virgo

Are you a Kardashian? Because you’re being hilariously bitchy right now. Take a deep breath. Find your happy place. And for the love of God, please refrain from telling Jess her wedding theme is “tacky as f*ck.” I’ll leave you with the advice I’ve given many signs before you: if you don’t have something nice to say, put it in the group chat.

Libra

People are trying to f*ck with you right now, Libra, but you’ve got to rise above. Channel your inner Michelle Obama and leave the pettiness for lesser betches. While your crew spends Saturday night arguing with some other girls who cut them in line, you can just hang back at the bar and drink all the drinks they left behind. Remember: when they go low, you get drunk.

Scorpio

You’re another sign that’s in danger of popping off this weekend, Scorpio. The world is trying to test you, but you stopped taking tests long ago. Set yourself a challenge to just let sh*t slide this weekend. If its still bothering you on Monday, bring it up. If it’s not, chalk it up to being hangry and move the f*ck on.

Sagittarius

TMI, Sagittarius. You’re in the mood to overshare this weekend, which is fine, but please read the room. Breaking down crying over your inability to make meaningful connections at girls night? Totally acceptable. In fact, encouraged. Losing your sh*t at the company softball game because the ref is triggering your daddy issues? Maybe keep some of that to yourself…

Capricorn

Normally the weekend is for letting loose and cutting back on inhibitions, but your judgement is cloudy as f*ck this weekend, so it’s time to ask for second opinions. You’re just not in the mental space to be responsible for…well…anything right now, so why not call up your most has-their-sh*t-together friend and ask for help? They won’t judge you (too much).

Aquarius

Time to hide your credit card from yourself for at least the next two days. You’re going to be very tempted to splurge this weekend, Aquarius, but you straight-up can’t afford that right now. Taxes need to be paid. Wedding gifts need to be bought. Not to mention that pesky student loan. This is not the weekend to buy rounds of shots for strangers at every bar in a five-mile radius. Sorry.

Pisces

You’re really leaning into being your most Pisces self, aka you’re highly emotional. Schedule some emotion-releasing activities this weekend like a luxurious bubble bath, listening to Adele in a dark room, or rewatching the OC episode where Marissa dies. All guaranteed to help bring on a crying session.

Images: Giphy (12)

A Blast From The Past Could Be Headed Your Way, And Not The Fun Kind: Your Weekly Horoscopes

Mercury is like, “I’m in charge this week, motherfucker!” I mean, I imagine that’s what it would say if planets could talk. Anyway, that bitch is coming to a standstill right before she goes all retrograde on our ass. You’ll probably feel a little stuck this week in some way—in a job, in a relationship, in a life path. Mercury is also the David Blaine of the planets, meaning she’s all about tricks. Prepare for some silly surprises or mix-ups this week.

Aries

Aries betches are in full-on vacation mode as we approach the end of summer. You’re not one to let the party die before the bar closes. In fact, you’re usually the one making suggestions for the post-game festivities. The only thing killing your vibe this week is the feeling that as soon as you accomplish a task, a whole new fucking project pops up. Like, can a bitch catch a break or what? Just stay on top of your shit this week and the party doesn’t have to stop.

Taurus

It’s a blast from the past this week, and not in like a fun 90s themed party where you and your friends dress up like the four original members of Destiny’s Child kind of way. Nope, not at all. This week, old flames or shitty friends you’ve ghosted somehow reappear in your life. While all these people might be back on their old bullshit, it’s time for you to move on to some new bullshit. Take this week as a time to pause and reevaluate your goals before moving on to bigger and better things.

Back On My Bullshit

Gemini

Like the Regina George of your friend group, Mercury is your ruler. You’ll probably feel frustrated this week, like you’re walking through quicksand or some shit. Something important to you or something you’ve been working toward will feel like it’s basically been put on the back burner by everyone else. Um, it’s not your fault everyone else’s priorities are bullshit. It’s a good week to put your head down and tie up loose ends, finish projects and all that stuff, while you’re waiting for your come up.

Cancer

You’re feeling kind of weird about your funds this week. Like, you have money, but you also seem to be spending a lot on end-of-summer sales and all the activities you’ve yet to cross off your seasonal bucket list. You probably have that weird feeling that you should be paying a bill or something and just haven’t. I mean, yeah, that feeling sucks but you’re probably all right in the finance department. Just don’t blow all the money you’ve earned on something frivolous. With Mercury in retrograde on the horizon, it’s important you have a little nest egg saved up in case your car breaks down or your dog eats your Frye boots right before fall.

Leo

It always seems like Leo is a lucky betch no matter what’s going on with the other signs. You’re the most resilient to Mercury’s bullshit. This week, the Sun and Mars are in your sign pumping you with energy and making you attractive to others. Like, what’s new though? Anyway, like the Cancer ladies, you need to be watching your finances right now. When Mercury hits, it’ll probably hit you where it hurts the most: your (dad’s) wallet.

Dave Chappelle

Virgo

So Mercury retrogrades in your sign, which is really bad for you this time around, and hey, at least I’m giving you fair warning. The semi-good news is Mercury doesn’t retrograde for over a week, so just chill out until then. Right now, you’re probably feeling really introspective and may or may not be smoking a lot of weed. Even though you’re #enlightened right now, it’s also a good idea to use that clarity of thought to gain some more recognition and awareness for your life. It seems like everything kind of starts over in the fall, so this might be a good time to come up with a plan to hit the reset button if you’re not happy with where you’re at in life right now.

Libra

Jupiter is in your sign and Venus is at the top of your chart; that combination is giving you all the good feels and vibes. You’re probably feeling a little sexier than normal and seeking attention from others. No matter what your fuck buddy who buys you dinner sometimes boyfriend’s sign is, let’s just say he’ll be happier this week. Wink, wink. While everyone else is spinning their wheels in doomsday preps for the upcoming Mercury in retrograde, you really just need to be soaking up all the attention and adoration that’s coming your way.

Janis Ian

Scorpio

Girl, just keep doing you this week and others will be so impressed. Like, your bare minimum will look amazing to bosses and people in positions of power. This is because some of the other signs are basically in slow motion, being held back by Mercury. Not you. There’s no fucking up your game this week. You’re efficient, enlightened and enchanting, but like, when are you not though? Anyway, the only thing to watch out for is someone wanting to hash out the past. Avoid that conversation and let bygones be bygones.

Sagittarius

You def need to make the most of the rest of summer. Don’t turn down opportunities to drink, party, travel, and generally cause a ruckus. It’s necessary for you right now to stay busy so you keep your mind from spinning over shit that doesn’t really matter. Plus, you’re still in a period of time where your interests lie in traveling, learning and having great conversations. Expect to run into some randos from the past this week. Don’t worry, though. It’ll be like, the awkward old elementary school teacher or people you kind of knew in high school type of encounter—not like running into your ex or your boss while you’re drunk.

Ready To Party

Capricorn

Things are kind of intense and hostile for you right now, and if they’re not, they soon will be when Mercury is in retrograde this month. Over the next few weeks, it’s important that you resolve as many issues as possible. Like, even if you can’t get stuff to print from your computer at work, this is the time to have an IT nerd come look at it instead of just putting it off indefinitely and forcing your coworker to print out your concert tickets for you. The more little things you can address this week, the less of a shitty time you’ll have when Mercury actually retrogrades and shit really hits the fan.

Aquarius

You need more sleep right now, because the sun is hiding in your sign. This is also a stressful time on your relationships, probably because you’re a total grump-ass when you’re tired. No one wants to deal with that bullshit. There’s no point in escalating a situation right now. I know it’s hard, but work on keeping the bitching and moaning on the low so your friends and loved ones don’t drop you like Trump dropped Scaramucci. You’ll need all the good karma and positive vibes you can get when Mercury retrogrades mid-month.

Sleeping

Pisces

Pisces are full of contradictions and are usually hard to figure out entirely; that’s definitely true of you this week. Half of you is down to party. The other half wants to cut out the bullshit and get stuff done. You want to cross all those to-dos off your list so you can get to the fun part of stuff. Like a few of the other signs, blasts from you past are lurking around every corner. Just hit ignore when an old hookup hits you with a “Hey, how’s it going?!” on Facebook Messenger. Like, ew. Are we in 10th grade? No. Don’t fan those flames, they’re out for a reason.