Mercury Is Doing You-Know-What: Weekly Horoscopes Feb. 8-12

Let’s get this out of the way right now: yes, Mercury is retrograde, and yes, you can blame all of your problems on that until February 20th. But that’s not all! This week we’ve got six heavenly bodies and a new moon in Aquarius, making this the perfect time to expand your horizons and open your mind to what is possible… like actually paying attention during your morning Zoom meeting. And they said it couldn’t be done…

Aries

Aries, it’s time to stop hitting “remind me tomorrow” on that computer update. The time is now. With a new moon in your tech sector, this is the perfect time to get your digital house in order. I’m talking inbox at zero. Okay, so maybe like, inbox at 25…

Taurus

Have you taken on too much at work? Of course you have. With Mercury flipping it into reverse this week, now is the perfect time to backtrack on some of those commitments. Are there tasks that can be delegated? To-do list items that can be pushed to next week? (Hint: the answer is literally always yes.)

Gemini

Thursday’s new moon is a BFD for you, Gemini. Are you ready for it? The new moon in Aquarius is lighting up your house of adventure, meaning it’s time to see the world! From a six foot distance, of course. Might I suggest a trip to your nearest botanical garden to cure your wanderlust? Or just like, a f*ckload of Travel Channel.

Cancer

What do you actually want, Cancer? Nobody knows. Least of all you. This week you may find yourself pulled in two different directions. Should you hit up your ex, or block his number? Should you get a head start on some work, or turn on HGTV and House Hunters yourself into oblivion? Decisions… decisions….

Leo

Leo? Catching feelings? Well I never! This week, your month-long Valentine’s Day continues as the new moon in Aquarius puts even more energy into your House of Partnership. All that is to say: if you weren’t putting both of your photos into that app that shows you what your kids will look like, you’re about to start.

Virgo

I know this seems impossible Virgo, but this week the cosmos is asking you to go with the flow. No to-do lists. No planners. No Google Calendar updates. Just you, your thoughts, and the unstoppable march of time. Kind of sounds like a horror movie tbh…

Libra

Lucky Libra! This week brings much good fortune upon you, Mercury in retrograde be damned! This week’s new moon is in your house of pleasure and passion, so one can only assume you’ll be having both of those things. Just try not to brag too much okay?

Scorpio

You’re still feeling the domestic vibes this week, Scorpio, but this week’s new moon asks: what is the difference between coziness and messiness? Are these blankets on the floor because you’re creating a fort situation, or because you knocked them off your bed two nights ago and still haven’t done anything about it? And what purpose, exactly, does this clothes pile serve? I highly doubt it sparks joy.

Sagittarius

When was the last time you expressed yourself outside .gif form? Now is the time. With the new moon opening up lines of communication, now is the perfect time for quality time with besties. Try to schedule a socially distanced walk or grab a table at the COVID-friendly outdoor dining establishment of your choice. A drunk brunch is in order.

Capricorn

Keep an eye on your balance sheet this week, Capricorn! Your mind’s on your money and your mind, meaning you might be able to catch some crucial red flags that could affect your bottom line. As the Miranda of the zodiac, you simply cannot allow this. Act accordingly.

Aquarius

There are casually six planets in your sign this week (okay so the Sun isn’t a planet but still…), meaning you are going to be getting cosmic signals from all angles. Your third eye is open wide right now, so keep an eye out for signs and don’t discount your intuition. You basically have a direct line to the heavens right now.

Pisces

Look around you, Pisces. Do you really need all this stuff? Or have you been collecting knick knacks and random trash like a bored mermaid for over a year now? With this week’s new moon, now is the perfect time to declutter your space. I’d start with tossing the dinglehopper.

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Images: Giphy (12)

Mercury Is Doing That Thing Again: Weekly Horoscopes October 12-16

I regret to inform you that mercury…is retrograde. That retrograde will last until November 3rd, aka Election Day. Read into that what you will. (Fun fact: the last time Mercury was retrograde during an election was the Bush vs. Gore fiasco of 2000. So I guess no we finally understand why Florida f*cked that up so bad.) Politics aside, here’s how Mercury’s retrograde will affect you on a micro level, because we can’t even get into the macro right now.

Aries

With Mercury doing a backspin you might want to put a hold on any “what are we?” conversations that you have coming down the pipeline. Sure, your headstrong sign likes to get sh*t settled and out in the open, but with Mercury gumming up your communication skills, important convos are way more likely to end in tears and blocked numbers than actual closure. Unless that’s the kind of drama you’re looking for, in which case, go for it!

Taurus

Thank God for the Sun in Libra keeping your health and wellness routines anchored, because Mercury in retrograde is about to shake up just about every other part of your life. No matter what comes your way, keep yourself focused on the basics (bathing, eating meals that are not just cheese, putting on pants, etc.) and come up with some activities you can do that won’t require too many brain cells. Might I suggest Emily in Paris?

Gemini

Stress levels through the roof? Thanks, Mercury. This week you might find it extra tough to stay grounded, what with your planetary ruler in retrograde and all. During this scatterbrained time, give yourself permission to focus on—say it with me now, Gemini—one thing at a time. Not your strong suit, I know. But I think we both agree you’d rather send your boss one well-crafted email that took a little extra time than blast off 15 slacks to the entire office that make no goddamn sense at all.

Cancer

Keep your heart open but your mind sharp this week, Cancer! With Mercury retrograding in your house of romance, you could find yourself facing some very enticing offers that, when you dig a little deeper, aren’t actually that great at all. Yes, the pandemic has us all starved for attention, but that doesn’t mean letting the person who ghosted you twice in 2018 back into your life is a good idea. (Okay who are we kidding…it was three times.)

Leo

Here are three words a Leo never wants to hear: slow your roll. With Mercury in a backspin, things may not be what they seem, and you’re going to want to be extra cautious before barreling ahead with new endeavors, no matter how enthusiastic you are about them. Now is a great time to enlist the wisdom of your crew before you respond to one of those weird IG accounts asking to “collab” on a post, or worse yet, a high school acquaintance who DMs you about a new business venture.

Virgo

A plan that you thought you had on lock might be thrown into uncertainty this week, aka a Virgo’s worst nightmare. But don’t freak out! Or at least, freak out a little, then smoke a bowl and chill. The extra time you have to regroup and refocus might be exactly what this plan needed to turn it into something truly life changing. Like Davina and the $75 million listing.

Libra

Time to get your bills paid, your room cleaned, and your skin care regimen back on point because Mercury is about to inject a little chaos into your life. With so many unforeseen tasks being thrown your way, you’re gonna wanna make sure you have the basics (i.e. clothes, food, shelter) taken care of before they get swept up in the mercury tornado. Your inbox can wait a sec. Your gas bill cannot.

Scorpio

You know that thing (*cough* person *cough*) you’ve been avoiding confronting for the past few months? Well, you officially have the universe’s permission to keep procrastinating. Congratulations. With Mercury in retrograde, now is not the time to settle scores, bury hatchets, talk sh*t out, or honestly do anything that would involve high-level diplomatic skills. Save that sh*t for your birthday month. Stay petty for now.

Sagittarius

Let’s be real: the pandemic has hit Sags pretty hard. No travel. No parties. No standing in a tight circle while you regale 10 acquaintances with one of your best stories. It sucks. Mercury retrograde might have you feeling particularly nostalgic for The Before Times, scrolling through Insta looking at all the cute outfits that would make no sense for you to wear to your living room. Do your best not to let yourself wallow. This will all be over soon…right? RIGHT!?!??!

Capricorn

Blast from the past! Thanks to Mercury retrograde (and Instagram’s “On This Day” feature), you may find yourself reconnecting with a long lost friend (or more-than-friend) this week. Enjoy the walk down memory lane, and don’t get ahead of yourself trying to label what their resurgence in your life may mean. Making new friends is basically impossible these days, so if someone from your past wants to reconnect, why question it?

Aquarius

Your upward trajectory may be brought to a screeching halt this week, thanks to Mercury in retrograde. Take it as a sign from the universe to slow your roll. Now is the perfect time to reassess your goals before barreling ahead with whatever world-conquering venture you have in mind. The world will still be there when Mercury resumes its normal course on November 4th. Or at least, we sincerely hope it will.

Pisces

Time for a phone break, Pisces! The universe is kindly asking you to log the f*ck off. With Mercury in retrograde, your communications, especially digital communications, are in danger of going south. Do you really want to be the girl who has to delete her whole story after a friend gently points out your nipple is showing? Or worse yet, get on the wrong side of a Twitter ratio? Put the phone down and talk to people in real life. How vintage!

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Time To Get Your Sh*t Together: Weekly Horoscopes July 7-10

Do you feel that? It’s the last week of Mercury retrograde, which means soon you’ll be able to get your sh*t together. It also means you’re going to have to take responsibility for your own actions and not just blame it on a random rock in the sky. Or just shift gears and blame it on the pandemic. Your choice.

Aries

It’s time to build your sanctuary, Aries! This WFH sh*t is going to be lasting for a while, and bars and restaurants are basically ancient history. Now is the time to make your space into the bar/restaurant/music festival/nap pod you’ve always dreamed of. And yes, that does mean dropping some dollars on a set of fancy-ass sheets.

Taurus

Take time with your communications this week, Taurus. Mercury is still in retrograde and she is hitting you hard, so double-check those emails and texts before hitting send, and maybe refrain from talking sh*t on Slack for a while. Once Mercury is out of retrograde, you can resume DMing your work wife minute-to-minute breakdowns of how annoying Ashley from HR is with reckless abandon.

Gemini

That thing you’ve been procrastinating? Now is the time, Gemini! Mercury retrograde is coming to a close, making it the perfect time to tie up loose ends and generally get your sh*t in order. That way you can hit the ground running and actually accomplish the things on your to-do list before she swings in reverse again and your ability to concentrate turns to mush.

Cancer

Mercury was retrograde in your sign this past month, meaning you might have found yourself a little tongue tied. But not anymore! Now is a great time to clear up any misconceptions that may have arisen due to your Mercury brain. Just like, don’t actually cite Mercury retrograde in your apology. That never ends well. Trust me.

Leo

This week brings some much needed clarity for you, Leo, which is great because things have been a bit foggy lately. Take some time to sit down and answer life’s great questions, like “what is my true purpose?” and “why do I keep eating cheese even though I am clearly lactose intolerant?” (The answer: it’s delicious.)

Virgo

Omg is that…can it be…a social life! Blessed be! This week you are finding new ways to resolve the lost art of chilling with the homies, whether it be a socially distant outdoor meetup or a new type of Zoom hangout that doesn’t suck. Let us know what you come up with for that last one, btw. The other signs are dying to know.

Libra

The distraction ends today, Libra! Your head has been in clouds but you are back down to earth and ready to get sh*t done. Laundry? Completed. Inbox? Zero. Weird pile of clothes in the back corner of your closet? Okay so that’s still there, but you’ll get to it soon!

Scorpio

When is honesty too honest? This is a dilemma that has plagued you your whole life, Scorpio, and this week is no exception. Be sure to check and double-check whether or not your comments are necessary this week, as you could veer from “truth” to “too far” without even realizing. Like, everyone knows Meghan has been wearing the same pants since March. No need to point it out.

Sagittarius

Do you like him, or did he just test positive for the antibodies? This week you may find yourself feeling mixed up in the realm of love. Before making any commitments, be sure to check in with yourself and make sure it’s not just your COVID dry spell that’s doing the talking.

Capricorn

An old flame might come back into your life this week, Capricorn, but are you prepared for that? And more importantly, do you even want it? These are the questions you must ask yourself before you respond to your ex’s “just checking in” text. They’re never just checking in.

Aquarius

How are those self-care routines going, Aquarius? This week your wellness routines are going to take center stage, and you’ll be feeling motivated to check out some new YouTube workouts or even—gasp—go for a run. And they said it was impossible to get hotter in quar.

Pisces

You’re keeping it low-key this week, which is good because as soon as Mercury is out of retrograde the spotlight will be shining right in your face. Enjoy this last week of leaving people on read because once the messenger planet flies into forward motion, your DMs will be out of control. *Sigh* It’s so hard being popular.

Images: Giphy (12)

Well, That Was Awkward: Weekly Horoscopes February 24-28

The good news: the sun is headed into Mercury this week, which guides all of our communications. The bad news: Mercury is also in retrograde, which can bring on misunderstandings and technical snafus. Basically, don’t be surprised if you have at least one painfully awkward experience this week that you’ll think about randomly right before you’re about to fall asleep for the rest of your life. You know, like that time in second grade when you called your teacher “mom.” Humiliating.

Aries

The Sun’s alignment with Mercury might open up an old wound this week, Aries. That sh*t you’ve been keeping buried for the past decade? Yeah, it’s coming to the surface. Time to deal with it before it continues to eat away at you and ultimately is the reason you have arthritis in your fifties.

Taurus

Awkward social situations abound, Taurus. You’re in serious danger of committing a faux pas this week. You might put your foot in your mouth at a party. You might accidentally Slack the entire company that Karen from HR is being “particularly f*cking annoying today” when you meant to just send it to your work wife. Oops.

Gemini

You’re feeling highly creative this week, Gemini. All of your ideas are amazing, and they just can’t stop coming. In fact, you might want to get on of those waterproof notebooks for your bathroom. Your next shower app idea could end up being the next TikTok (which was once the next Vine).

Cancer

You’re feeling more than a little stressed about your future this week, Cancer. You’re not sure which path to take (thanks Mercury), and have been spending wayyy too much time overthinking and projecting into the future. There’s no use spending all day worrying about whether or not your future child should learn Spanish or Mandarin. Especially not when your best prospect for a future co-parent is leaving you on read today. Perspective.

Leo

Mercury has you feeling stressed and out of sorts. Here’s a revolutionary idea: let people help you. Crazy, I know, but it’s lowkey what friends are for. Reach out to a buddy and see if you can come over with a bottle of wine and just vent for a little bit. Any friend that’s worth the space they take up in your phone will naturally say yes, and you can happily return the favor next time they’re having an existential crisis.

Virgo

This week will bring clarity on a relationship that’s been confusing you, Virgo, thank the Lord. Mercury is helping you to step back and re-evaluate, even though retrograde is making it hard for you to make decisions right now. Make note of any insights you have this week, but don’t feel too bad about procrastinating your decision making another week.

Libra

Libras will find it harder to stick to their normal schedule this week, due to Mercury’s general f*ckering in Pisces. You’re hitting the snooze button one too many times. You’re missing your weekly gym appointment. Go with the flow and don’t beat yourself up too badly just because you didn’t hit your step goal every day this week. Even Rihanna has off days (we assume).

Scorpio

You might hear from someone from your past this week, Scorpio. An ex lover, or worse yet, an ex boss could come around looking to dredge up old issues, under the guise of meeting for coffee “just to chat!” Take their offer into consideration, but remember you don’t owe anyone your time just because you had a good texting relationship 5+ years ago. Unless you were the one who was an asshole, in which case, maybe you should hear them (but definitely give yourself a hard out in case you have to escape mid-convo.)

Sagittarius

Time to extend an olive branch, Sagittarius. If there are some lingering resentments within your inner circle, the time to make amends is now. The stars are aligned for you to heal some old wounds this week with someone who is very close to you. So yes, it might be time to admit that you are the one who lost your sister’s favorite sweater in 2007, and it was wrong of you to blame it on the dog. RIP Fluffy.

Capricorn

You feel like you’re taking crazy pills this week, Capricorn! Mercury has brought on the misunderstandings, miscommunications, and general dumb f*ckery, and you were over it like, yesterday. Try not to blame yourself for the awkwardness Mercury in retrograde brings. Soon things will be back to normal and you won’t feel like tearing your hair out every time your coworker makes a bad joke in a meeting that could have been an email.

Aquarius

Put the credit card down, Aquarius! Mercury has you blowing past your budget this week, and you’re in danger of engaging in some serious overspending. Like, do you really need a new jade roller? Okay, stupid question, of course you do. Carry on…

Pisces

Mercury is in retrograde in your sign, Pisces, which is having the odd effect of making you shut the f*ck up for once. You’re thinking before you speak this week, and it’s actually saving you from the social f*ckups that are plaguing all of the other signs. Just make sure you’re not so quiet you start to give off serial killer vibes. Nobody wants that.

Images: Giphy

It’s Time For A Glowup: Weekly Horoscopes February 3-7

Chatty Mercury is headed into a two-month stint in Pisces this week, meaning everyone will be feeling a little bit touchy-feely, even if you’re usually dead inside. Pisces is all about creativity and Mercury is all about expression, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself wanting to write a poem for your upcoming Valentine, if you have one (or at least a very elaborate text). Use all this good energy now, because Mercury is headed into retrograde on the 16th, meaning your communication will be all f*cked up until March 9th. Plan accordingly.

Aries

Mercury in Pisces has you feeling inspired this week, Aries! The only question is how you’re going to use it. You’re literally brimming with good ideas, so you might wanna make sure to carry a notebook around with you so you can jot them down. Who knows? A random thought you had in the shower could end up being the next iPod.

Taurus

Mercury in Pisces is igniting your inner activist, Taurus. Luckily there are approximately one thousand political events for you to get excited and/or furious about this week. If you haven’t already, start looking into who the 2020 candidates are, or even research a more local race you could get involved in. Whatever you do, don’t waste your energy arguing with random Twitter users who have two followers and no avatar. It’s not worth it. Plus, they’re probably a bot.

Gemini

You are absolutely thriving in leadership roles this week, Gemini, so don’t forget to lean the f*ck in. You are naturally finding the perfect way to word your stern-yet-still-pleasant emails to the team, even without using a thousand exclamation points. Use this take-charge attitude to really stand out at work. And as an added bonus, this level of professionalism might help your coworkers finally forget how f*cked up you got at the holiday party.

Cancer

No touchy! Mercury in Pisces has you needing a lot of personal space this week, Cancer, meaning you have absolutely zero patience for the guy who “has to” touch your lower back to get by at the bar. Even your significant other may find you feeling less in the mood to cuddle, as you’ll be way more focused on your own bodily autonomy. Anyone who doesn’t like it can f*ck off.

Leo

Are you a Netflix documentary, Leo? Because you’re a f*cking mystery this week. Mercury in Pisces has you attracted to all things unknown, whether it be literal ghosts and ghouls (check out The Servant on Apple TV+), or just shooting off some risky texts and seeing what happens. Now is the perfect time to play the field, as you’re wayyy more interested in vague flirting than concrete plans. Basically, you’re interested in all things ghosting (both literal and figurative).

Virgo

The stars are playing matchmaker for you, just in time for Valentine’s day! You’ll be feeling the urge to couple up this week, and not just romantically. You’ll find more success in teams this week, so don’t be afraid to pair up on a project at work, or to ask a buddy out for drinks. You could end up being one half of the world’s next great power couple!

Libra

The business of Mercury in Pisces has you feeling overwhelmed with the details of life, meaning you should check and double check your work this week. You may find yourself unable to even look at your calendar app without blacking out, and don’t even get me started on your inbox. Take things one at a time and remember to re-read all tweets before hitting send. You don’t want an unfortunate typo to be the one thing standing between you and viral fame.

Scorpio

This week is bringing the hyper-creative energy, Scorpio, and you’re going to want to harness it for maximum success. Give yourself permission to try something new, whether it be taking a slightly different route to work, or testing out a new pickup line on the apps. Express yourself! Someone who doesn’t like you at your awkward flirting doesn’t deserve you at your second-date sex goddess, or whatever the f*ck that Marilyn Monroe quote is.

Sagittarius

This week is for the squad, Sagittarius. When Mercury is in Pisces, Sags feel most energized by spending time with their inner circle. Fire up the group chat and set aside some time to hang with your elite crew, even if it’s just a group FaceTime. But remember, this is VIPs only. You don’t want some rando you won’t be friends with in three months cutting in and ruining the vibe.

Capricorn

Capricorn?!? A social butterfly!!? Well, I never! Mercury in Pisces has you actually enjoying the company of others, Capricorn, meaning it is the perfect time to invest in a blossoming friendship. You’re feeling charming and effortlessly funny, so it’d be a shame to waste it on the same old people you always talk to. Get drinks after work with your cool coworker, or take your SoulCycle acquaintance up on their offer for a post-cycling coffee. Worse case scenario, you have a semi-boring meal with someone you never talk to again.

Aquarius

This is a good time for getting your finances in order, Aquarius, so you’d better hop on that. Sure, Tax Day isn’t until April, but what if…hear me out…you got all your tax documents in order now. TurboTax is available all year long, and it’s never too early to call your dad’s tax guy and beg him to tell you which deductions to take. You’ll thank yourself a few months from now when you’re chilling with your tax return and all your friends are scrambling to figure out what the f*ck to do with all their W2s.

Pisces

Mercury is in your sign, and it has you wanting a major glowup. You’re feeling like your entire look needs an upgrade, which may or may not be possible based on your budget. Luckily for you, YouTube makeup tutorials are free, and anything can be worn and then returned (so long as you remember not to take off the tags). Do what you need to do to achieve the glam look of your dreams. Then take lots of pics so you can remember it when you turn back into a pumpkin later.

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Mercury Is Back To Normal: Weekly Horoscopes November 18-22

Amazing news, everyone. You’ve (almost) survived another Mercury retrograde. Or maybe you didn’t. But either way, Mercury is out of retrograde this Wednesday, meaning it is officially time to assess the damage. Say some sh*t that came out harsher than you intended? (Yes.) Misinterpret a text and fly off the handle over nothing? (Always.) Get mad at your roommate for breathing weird in the common spaces? (Do you even need to ask?) This is the week to make amends. Until the next time Mercury goes into retrograde and wrecks your life, that is.

Aries

Cuffing season is in high gear, Aries, and it’s time to figure out whose dried-out face you’re going to be staring at all winter. You’re on the hunt for the person who will share your bed through the long, cold nights and won’t shame you for not shaving your legs between Christmas and Easter. If you already have that special someone in your life, take time to do a check in and make sure things haven’t gotten stale. You’re going to be spending a lot more time together now that the temperature has dropped below 50 degrees.

Taurus

raise the roof

Take a look at your partnerships: romantic, platonic, and professional. Are they in a rut? Are things going unsaid? Now that Mercury is out of retrograde you have the perfect opportunity to clear up any lingering misunderstandings and get back to dynamic duo mode. Or, in the case of your coworkers, “adult professionals who enjoy each other’s company from 9am to 5pm” mode.

Gemini

Did you get your old Adderall prescription back? Because you’re focused as f*ck this week, Gemini. Use this energy to bring an important task across the finish line, whether it be redecorating your apartment, something to do with work, or finally finishing that novel. This week you’ll magically find the focus and motivation to finish whatever you set your mind to, so choose a task and start accomplishing things.

Cancer

thinking

When was the last time you assessed your romantic situation, Cancer? Every second of every day? Cool. Same. Now that Mercury is done being a little bitch, it’s time to make sure that any pent-up resentments that have built up between you and your partner are released for good. Single Cancers should be aware that they’re going to attract whatever they put out this week, so make sure you’re giving off “stable professional with a savings account” over “35-year-old with 17 roommates whose never had an STD check.”

Leo

Bust out the coasters your aunt sent you three birthdays ago, because you’re in the mood to entertain, Leo! The end of Mercury retrograde means you’re ready to jazz up chez Leo, and what better way to do that than a little dinner party? Whether it be a full blown friendsgiving, or just sharing a bottle of wine with the girls, find a way to bring the people you love into your space this week. Just remind them to take their f*cking shoes off first.

Virgo

hoe

This week you’re embracing your sensuality and letting the world see your sexy self, Virgo. In other words, you’re in the mood to hoe it up, and we mean that in the most feminist way possible. Bust out the thigh high boots, bodysuit, that one bra that makes your boobs look amazing and take yourself for a night on the town. Whether you’re doing it to impress a random stranger (good), a significant other (great), or your own damn self (even better), you will love the confidence (and the thirst traps) that come of it.

Libra

Congratulations, Libra! You’re at the beginning of a seven week motivation explosion. Whether you want to use your newfound ability to get sh*t done to finish up some lingering 2019 goals, or get a jump on 2020, this week is the start of a whole new you. And yes, this does count as a reason to celebrate by buying yourself one of the premium cocktails at happy hour.

Scorpio

Stassi Birthday

Your season is coming to a close and it’s time to go out with a bang. Luckily, going out with a bang is kind of Scorpio’s thing. Stop chilling on the couch and get out into the world and no, the fact that it is dark at 5pm is not a reason to stay indoors. Take advantage of all the shady shenanigans you can now, while “it’s my birthday month!” still works as an excuse.

Sagittarius

You’re in the mood to keep it low-key this week, so set your phone to Do Not Disturb and get cozy. Will you use your alone time to actually finish a book this year? Or maybe you’ll tackle that 5+ hour Crock Pot recipe you’ve been meaning to try. Or maybe you’ll just veg out on the couch and binge-watch Netflix and put things in your cart that you have no intention to buy. The world is your oyster!

Capricorn

king of the world

Great news, Capricorn! You’re in the middle of a lucky streak, both professionally and personally. Everything you touch turns to gold, and every selfie you take is magically fire. It’s just one of those weeks. The only thing you need to decide now is where you want to focus these magical powers. And try not to let it get to your head (too much).

Aquarius

It’s time to earn that holiday bonus, Aquarius. The year is coming to a close, but this week you have exactly enough energy to end it on a high note. For the next month, focus your attention on advancing in your career, and you could be starting 2020 with a whole new job title. PRO TIP: Holiday parties with an open bar totally count as networking opportunities.

Pisces

goals

What do you want to accomplish by the end of the 2010s? This is the week to map that out and put it into action, Pisces. The end of Mercury retrograde has given you newfound clarity about wtf is going on in your life, and where you want it to go. Before holiday travel plans take over, set aside some time to write down your 2020 vision. That way you won’t find yourself scribbling your resolutions on the back of a napkin between layovers.

Images: Giphy (12)

How Mercury Retrograde Will F*ck With Every Sign’s Finances

Whether you believe Mercury retrograde is real, or just use it as an excuse to cancel plans and something you blame your problems on, Mercury is retrograde until November 20. If you believe in astrology, that means you might experience miscommunications, issues with tech, and general clumsiness and mishaps. It can also affect your finances, and many people try not to make big spending decisions during this astrological mess of a time. But not all of us can just not spend money for a three-week period just because one planet is moving backwards, so we consulted MassMutual to give advice on how Mercury retrograde will affect your sign, and how you should deal with it.

Aquarius

texting

Rather than reaping the benefits of online financial systems like Paypal, don’t rely on these platforms while Mercury is in retrograde. (Take a few deep breaths if you pictured Venmo suddenly not working like I just did). Double-check that your bills were paid on time, and keep cash on-hand in case online payment systems malfunction. The key for you these next few days is due diligence and being flexible to adapt to technology malfunctions.

Aries

you need to calm down

Taylor Swift really said it best: “you need to calm down”. Since Mercury being retrograde may set your temper through the roof, it’s best to acknowledge that patience is your friend these next few weeks. In this “culture of impatience,” do not get discouraged, set smaller financial goals, allow yourself to indulge a bit, and cut yourself some slack. 

Cancer

emotions

This will be an emotional few weeks for Cancers—and that’s not taking into account prepping to have every relative bombard you at the Thanksgiving table with questions on why you’re still single. It’s easier said than done, but try not to let your emotions get the best of you these next few weeks, especially when it comes to financial decisions. The best way to navigate this time period is to reframe your money-sabotaging emotions like anxiety, jealousy, and regret, and instead turn these into opportunities to self-reflect and let go of what you cannot control.

Capricorn

i'm on a budget

Rather than letting Mercury retrograde and other external factors impact your daily tasks, regain control by calculating your expenses and trimming the fat when it comes to your overall spending. By getting the control back in your hands and being able to determine your own success and security, Capricorns won’t just survive the retrograde, but they will thrive.

Gemini

i'm breezy

Gemini is one of the few signs that is built for a Mercury retrograde (and for that, we are all jealous). Continue staying flexible and adapting when there’s a financial roadblock or challenge. Rather than dwelling on decisions you regret, stay open-minded and remember that cultivating your financial knowledge will help you overcome challenges as well as positively shape your financial future. 

Taurus

spreadsheet

Don’t let this retrograde be your bummer anthem (and please don’t throw a tantrum), because Taurus still have time to make it through this retrograde on top. Stick to a financial plan as closely as possible, and keep in mind that this is not the time to make impulsive money decisions. It’s best to wait out this retrograde before making any major purchases or deciding that it’s time to splurge on a vacation that you’ve been carefully saving up for.

Leo

receipts

Prepare, prepare, prepare. It’s going to be best to put extra effort into staying on track with your monthly budget, so keep your receipts, give yourself a weekly allowance and overestimate your necessary expenses. Taking proactive and careful measures like this will keep you on the right financial track.

Libra

frond to the ond

Do not let Mercury retrograde come between you and your family—or BFFs, especially since a recent MassMutual survey shows that 71% of Americans include close friends in their personal definition of family. Whether it’s discussing monthly spending with your BFF or chatting about the cost of your upcoming college reunion trip, it’s best to tackle these conversations in-person. Technology can be very spotty during this time, and it’s best to have your receipts printed and prepared when going into these not-so-fun financial conversations.

Pisces

intuition

A person’s intuition is one of the most powerful forces… right behind Mercury retrograde. Even though your intuition is one of your strongest drivers, your “gut instinct” may be off during Mercury retrograde, so be extra careful. During this time, stick to a financial plan rather than intuition when it comes to spending choices and making major financial decisions. And, consider tapping into your community, as one of our studies showed that people more involved in their communities are likely to have greater financial security. 

Sagittarius

First of all, take a deep breath. This retrograde cycle may test you, but preparing for the best course of action will allow you to continue your “go, go, go” mindset. Prepare a plan B when traveling, and leave early for appointments to prepare for transportation and mechanical failures. With extra transit time, knock out small financial to-dos such as paying your bills during your lengthier commutes, because #efficiency.

Scorpio

no ragrets

Stay the course financially, because your conservative approach when it comes to money will do you well while Mercury is in retrograde. Continue to stay cautious, stick to your financial goals, and save rather than spend. Build your wealth, not your #ragrets.

Virgo

planner

Grab your planner or spreadsheet, because this will be your saving grace. Even though you try to avoid chaos and uncertainty as much as possible, it may be tougher to escape it during Mercury retrograde. Therefore, write down all your upcoming deadlines and set alerts to keep the order. Closely manage your bills to ensure no late fees come up unexpectedly and keep up with routine maintenance to catch (and pay for) problems while they’re still small. Cutting clutter, especially the financial kind, truly makes such a difference in your day.

Images: Jp Valery / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Hibernation Vibes: Weekend Horoscopes November 1-3

Happy psycho Scorpio season, Karen! Now that it’s November, we’re moving past the spooky season, and truly living our best lives by wearing body-concealing sweaters, the stretchiest high-waisted pants, and eating until we can’t feel feelings anymore. It’s all about that hibernation vibe, fam, so don’t expect this weekend to be too crazy.

Even though we’ve officially entered a period of Mercury in retrograde, try not to get too stressed about it. All hope is not lost for this weekend. The planets are ready to get cozy and push you into some romance, adventure, and whatever other bullsh*t they can muster up this weekend. Yay, stars.

Scorpio

Your gut is guiding you this weekend Scorpio, and not just to Pizza Hut and discount frozen taquitos at Costco. You’re extra sensitive to everything going on this weekend, so pay attention to your feelings. The moon in Capricorn is highlighting communication, so make time to listen and have some meaningful convos this weekend—even if it’s just with your dog.

Sagittarius

It’s the perfect weekend to review your f*cking finances, Sagittarius. It may seem boring, but ’tis the season to sit tf down and create a household budget. What are you spending on cable every month? Electricity? Eating out? Spray tans? Having your money in order will help you feel more in control of other aspects of your life, so buckle down now to reap the benefits later. Once you see how much money you’re literally lighting on fire by ordering delivery, you’ll likely feel pretty bad about yourself.

Capricorn

You’re all about friends and going out this weekend, Capricorn, thanks to a buncha planets f*cking off together in Capricorn. Ditch work early Friday (do it) and head out for dinner, drinks, and a weird club you can make fun of later. Reserve Saturday for activities great for Instagramming, like pumpkin picking, chugging seasonal beers, and wearing chunky scarves. Sunday, chill tf out.

Aquarius

Been having weird f*cking dreams lately, Aquarius? GOOD—pay attention to that sh*t. Take the weekend to chug wine and read through your dream journal, or just Google why all your teeth keep falling out in your dreams. Otherwise, take Saturday and Sunday to cuddle up and enjoy the cooler weather your your SO or your BFF.

Pisces

The planets in Scorpio are pushing you to explore other cultures, Pisces. No, we don’t mean exploring the culture of whatever your fav influencer is pushing online. We mean making a reservation with friends at a restaurant serving cuisine you’ve never tried. Or seeing whatever new play your artsy friend told you about, but you haven’t actually bothered to look up. F*ck, go see a Russian ballet. Just like, expand your horizons and sh*t. Ordering pho via GrubHub counts, btw.

Aries

Friday and Saturday have you feeling tugged in 80 different directions, Aries. You’ll feel that between what you want, what your partner wants, what your friends want, and what your mom wants there’s no brain space left for important sh*t, like which Bachelor couple is breaking up this week. Try to take it in stride, and by Sunday things will chill out.

Taurus

You’re like, so cheerful, Taurus. You’re also feeling super adventurous on Saturday, so lean in to that sh*t and try some extreme rock climbing or hot yoga or sashimi with friends. Sunday is time to watch some HGTV reruns and get inspired to re-organize your closet. I mean, you could also head out for lunch with your roommate from college, but, honestly, drowning in DIY sounds so much more fun.

Gemini

Time for some self-care, Gemini. Listen to your bod and your mental state and act accordingly. Whether you need to sweat it out at SoulCycle, hang out in sweats all weekend, or blow $500 at a spa on a 90-minute massage, do you. Saturday is the perfect day to indulge, but take it easy Friday night, too. ‘Tis the weekend for relaxation.

Cancer

You’re feeling creative and confident, Cancer, and it looks good on you. You’ve been putting off indulging your artistic side, but this weekend is perfect to finally tackle those artsy fartsy projects. Yeah, go ahead and paint a chalkboard wall in your kitchen. Find shiplap and figure out how to get it on your bedroom wall. Or, like, draw a picture of a butterfly.

Leo

You may feel a little off this weekend, Leo, but stay close to home and everything will blow over. Concentrate on a quiet weekend with your loved ones and stay far away from anyone being overly dramatic about, like, anything. So, brunch with your bestie while she goes through the “what’s wrong with me” “why haven’t I met anyone” speech again is probably not the move this weekend.

Virgo

Feel the looooove, Virgo. Plan a sexy date on Friday night with either a new interest or your SO, then take it to the next level at home if you’re like, cool with that. Saturday, get out of town with your partner and drive around looking at foliage. It’s like, the most basic fall sh*t you can do for free.

Libra

You need to relieve some stress, Libra. After this week at work, things need to take a chill turn over the weekend, but only you can control that sh*t. You may get dragged into family drama, but stay far away from anyone else’s bullsh*t. You’ve got enough on your plate.

Images: Giphy (12)