Mercury Is Doing That Thing Again: Weekly Horoscopes October 12-16

I regret to inform you that mercury…is retrograde. That retrograde will last until November 3rd, aka Election Day. Read into that what you will. (Fun fact: the last time Mercury was retrograde during an election was the Bush vs. Gore fiasco of 2000. So I guess no we finally understand why Florida f*cked that up so bad.) Politics aside, here’s how Mercury’s retrograde will affect you on a micro level, because we can’t even get into the macro right now.

Aries

With Mercury doing a backspin you might want to put a hold on any “what are we?” conversations that you have coming down the pipeline. Sure, your headstrong sign likes to get sh*t settled and out in the open, but with Mercury gumming up your communication skills, important convos are way more likely to end in tears and blocked numbers than actual closure. Unless that’s the kind of drama you’re looking for, in which case, go for it!

Taurus

Thank God for the Sun in Libra keeping your health and wellness routines anchored, because Mercury in retrograde is about to shake up just about every other part of your life. No matter what comes your way, keep yourself focused on the basics (bathing, eating meals that are not just cheese, putting on pants, etc.) and come up with some activities you can do that won’t require too many brain cells. Might I suggest Emily in Paris?

Gemini

Stress levels through the roof? Thanks, Mercury. This week you might find it extra tough to stay grounded, what with your planetary ruler in retrograde and all. During this scatterbrained time, give yourself permission to focus on—say it with me now, Gemini—one thing at a time. Not your strong suit, I know. But I think we both agree you’d rather send your boss one well-crafted email that took a little extra time than blast off 15 slacks to the entire office that make no goddamn sense at all.

Cancer

Keep your heart open but your mind sharp this week, Cancer! With Mercury retrograding in your house of romance, you could find yourself facing some very enticing offers that, when you dig a little deeper, aren’t actually that great at all. Yes, the pandemic has us all starved for attention, but that doesn’t mean letting the person who ghosted you twice in 2018 back into your life is a good idea. (Okay who are we kidding…it was three times.)

Leo

Here are three words a Leo never wants to hear: slow your roll. With Mercury in a backspin, things may not be what they seem, and you’re going to want to be extra cautious before barreling ahead with new endeavors, no matter how enthusiastic you are about them. Now is a great time to enlist the wisdom of your crew before you respond to one of those weird IG accounts asking to “collab” on a post, or worse yet, a high school acquaintance who DMs you about a new business venture.

Virgo

A plan that you thought you had on lock might be thrown into uncertainty this week, aka a Virgo’s worst nightmare. But don’t freak out! Or at least, freak out a little, then smoke a bowl and chill. The extra time you have to regroup and refocus might be exactly what this plan needed to turn it into something truly life changing. Like Davina and the $75 million listing.

Libra

Time to get your bills paid, your room cleaned, and your skin care regimen back on point because Mercury is about to inject a little chaos into your life. With so many unforeseen tasks being thrown your way, you’re gonna wanna make sure you have the basics (i.e. clothes, food, shelter) taken care of before they get swept up in the mercury tornado. Your inbox can wait a sec. Your gas bill cannot.

Scorpio

You know that thing (*cough* person *cough*) you’ve been avoiding confronting for the past few months? Well, you officially have the universe’s permission to keep procrastinating. Congratulations. With Mercury in retrograde, now is not the time to settle scores, bury hatchets, talk sh*t out, or honestly do anything that would involve high-level diplomatic skills. Save that sh*t for your birthday month. Stay petty for now.

Sagittarius

Let’s be real: the pandemic has hit Sags pretty hard. No travel. No parties. No standing in a tight circle while you regale 10 acquaintances with one of your best stories. It sucks. Mercury retrograde might have you feeling particularly nostalgic for The Before Times, scrolling through Insta looking at all the cute outfits that would make no sense for you to wear to your living room. Do your best not to let yourself wallow. This will all be over soon…right? RIGHT!?!??!

Capricorn

Blast from the past! Thanks to Mercury retrograde (and Instagram’s “On This Day” feature), you may find yourself reconnecting with a long lost friend (or more-than-friend) this week. Enjoy the walk down memory lane, and don’t get ahead of yourself trying to label what their resurgence in your life may mean. Making new friends is basically impossible these days, so if someone from your past wants to reconnect, why question it?

Aquarius

Your upward trajectory may be brought to a screeching halt this week, thanks to Mercury in retrograde. Take it as a sign from the universe to slow your roll. Now is the perfect time to reassess your goals before barreling ahead with whatever world-conquering venture you have in mind. The world will still be there when Mercury resumes its normal course on November 4th. Or at least, we sincerely hope it will.

Pisces

Time for a phone break, Pisces! The universe is kindly asking you to log the f*ck off. With Mercury in retrograde, your communications, especially digital communications, are in danger of going south. Do you really want to be the girl who has to delete her whole story after a friend gently points out your nipple is showing? Or worse yet, get on the wrong side of a Twitter ratio? Put the phone down and talk to people in real life. How vintage!

Images: Giphy (12)

Mercury Is Back To Normal: Weekly Horoscopes November 18-22

Amazing news, everyone. You’ve (almost) survived another Mercury retrograde. Or maybe you didn’t. But either way, Mercury is out of retrograde this Wednesday, meaning it is officially time to assess the damage. Say some sh*t that came out harsher than you intended? (Yes.) Misinterpret a text and fly off the handle over nothing? (Always.) Get mad at your roommate for breathing weird in the common spaces? (Do you even need to ask?) This is the week to make amends. Until the next time Mercury goes into retrograde and wrecks your life, that is.

Aries

Cuffing season is in high gear, Aries, and it’s time to figure out whose dried-out face you’re going to be staring at all winter. You’re on the hunt for the person who will share your bed through the long, cold nights and won’t shame you for not shaving your legs between Christmas and Easter. If you already have that special someone in your life, take time to do a check in and make sure things haven’t gotten stale. You’re going to be spending a lot more time together now that the temperature has dropped below 50 degrees.

Taurus

raise the roof

Take a look at your partnerships: romantic, platonic, and professional. Are they in a rut? Are things going unsaid? Now that Mercury is out of retrograde you have the perfect opportunity to clear up any lingering misunderstandings and get back to dynamic duo mode. Or, in the case of your coworkers, “adult professionals who enjoy each other’s company from 9am to 5pm” mode.

Gemini

Did you get your old Adderall prescription back? Because you’re focused as f*ck this week, Gemini. Use this energy to bring an important task across the finish line, whether it be redecorating your apartment, something to do with work, or finally finishing that novel. This week you’ll magically find the focus and motivation to finish whatever you set your mind to, so choose a task and start accomplishing things.

Cancer

thinking

When was the last time you assessed your romantic situation, Cancer? Every second of every day? Cool. Same. Now that Mercury is done being a little bitch, it’s time to make sure that any pent-up resentments that have built up between you and your partner are released for good. Single Cancers should be aware that they’re going to attract whatever they put out this week, so make sure you’re giving off “stable professional with a savings account” over “35-year-old with 17 roommates whose never had an STD check.”

Leo

Bust out the coasters your aunt sent you three birthdays ago, because you’re in the mood to entertain, Leo! The end of Mercury retrograde means you’re ready to jazz up chez Leo, and what better way to do that than a little dinner party? Whether it be a full blown friendsgiving, or just sharing a bottle of wine with the girls, find a way to bring the people you love into your space this week. Just remind them to take their f*cking shoes off first.

Virgo

hoe

This week you’re embracing your sensuality and letting the world see your sexy self, Virgo. In other words, you’re in the mood to hoe it up, and we mean that in the most feminist way possible. Bust out the thigh high boots, bodysuit, that one bra that makes your boobs look amazing and take yourself for a night on the town. Whether you’re doing it to impress a random stranger (good), a significant other (great), or your own damn self (even better), you will love the confidence (and the thirst traps) that come of it.

Libra

Congratulations, Libra! You’re at the beginning of a seven week motivation explosion. Whether you want to use your newfound ability to get sh*t done to finish up some lingering 2019 goals, or get a jump on 2020, this week is the start of a whole new you. And yes, this does count as a reason to celebrate by buying yourself one of the premium cocktails at happy hour.

Scorpio

Stassi Birthday

Your season is coming to a close and it’s time to go out with a bang. Luckily, going out with a bang is kind of Scorpio’s thing. Stop chilling on the couch and get out into the world and no, the fact that it is dark at 5pm is not a reason to stay indoors. Take advantage of all the shady shenanigans you can now, while “it’s my birthday month!” still works as an excuse.

Sagittarius

You’re in the mood to keep it low-key this week, so set your phone to Do Not Disturb and get cozy. Will you use your alone time to actually finish a book this year? Or maybe you’ll tackle that 5+ hour Crock Pot recipe you’ve been meaning to try. Or maybe you’ll just veg out on the couch and binge-watch Netflix and put things in your cart that you have no intention to buy. The world is your oyster!

Capricorn

king of the world

Great news, Capricorn! You’re in the middle of a lucky streak, both professionally and personally. Everything you touch turns to gold, and every selfie you take is magically fire. It’s just one of those weeks. The only thing you need to decide now is where you want to focus these magical powers. And try not to let it get to your head (too much).

Aquarius

It’s time to earn that holiday bonus, Aquarius. The year is coming to a close, but this week you have exactly enough energy to end it on a high note. For the next month, focus your attention on advancing in your career, and you could be starting 2020 with a whole new job title. PRO TIP: Holiday parties with an open bar totally count as networking opportunities.

Pisces

goals

What do you want to accomplish by the end of the 2010s? This is the week to map that out and put it into action, Pisces. The end of Mercury retrograde has given you newfound clarity about wtf is going on in your life, and where you want it to go. Before holiday travel plans take over, set aside some time to write down your 2020 vision. That way you won’t find yourself scribbling your resolutions on the back of a napkin between layovers.

Images: Giphy (12)

How Mercury Retrograde Will F*ck With Every Sign’s Finances

Whether you believe Mercury retrograde is real, or just use it as an excuse to cancel plans and something you blame your problems on, Mercury is retrograde until November 20. If you believe in astrology, that means you might experience miscommunications, issues with tech, and general clumsiness and mishaps. It can also affect your finances, and many people try not to make big spending decisions during this astrological mess of a time. But not all of us can just not spend money for a three-week period just because one planet is moving backwards, so we consulted MassMutual to give advice on how Mercury retrograde will affect your sign, and how you should deal with it.

Aquarius

texting

Rather than reaping the benefits of online financial systems like Paypal, don’t rely on these platforms while Mercury is in retrograde. (Take a few deep breaths if you pictured Venmo suddenly not working like I just did). Double-check that your bills were paid on time, and keep cash on-hand in case online payment systems malfunction. The key for you these next few days is due diligence and being flexible to adapt to technology malfunctions.

Aries

you need to calm down

Taylor Swift really said it best: “you need to calm down”. Since Mercury being retrograde may set your temper through the roof, it’s best to acknowledge that patience is your friend these next few weeks. In this “culture of impatience,” do not get discouraged, set smaller financial goals, allow yourself to indulge a bit, and cut yourself some slack. 

Cancer

emotions

This will be an emotional few weeks for Cancers—and that’s not taking into account prepping to have every relative bombard you at the Thanksgiving table with questions on why you’re still single. It’s easier said than done, but try not to let your emotions get the best of you these next few weeks, especially when it comes to financial decisions. The best way to navigate this time period is to reframe your money-sabotaging emotions like anxiety, jealousy, and regret, and instead turn these into opportunities to self-reflect and let go of what you cannot control.

Capricorn

i'm on a budget

Rather than letting Mercury retrograde and other external factors impact your daily tasks, regain control by calculating your expenses and trimming the fat when it comes to your overall spending. By getting the control back in your hands and being able to determine your own success and security, Capricorns won’t just survive the retrograde, but they will thrive.

Gemini

i'm breezy

Gemini is one of the few signs that is built for a Mercury retrograde (and for that, we are all jealous). Continue staying flexible and adapting when there’s a financial roadblock or challenge. Rather than dwelling on decisions you regret, stay open-minded and remember that cultivating your financial knowledge will help you overcome challenges as well as positively shape your financial future. 

Taurus

spreadsheet

Don’t let this retrograde be your bummer anthem (and please don’t throw a tantrum), because Taurus still have time to make it through this retrograde on top. Stick to a financial plan as closely as possible, and keep in mind that this is not the time to make impulsive money decisions. It’s best to wait out this retrograde before making any major purchases or deciding that it’s time to splurge on a vacation that you’ve been carefully saving up for.

Leo

receipts

Prepare, prepare, prepare. It’s going to be best to put extra effort into staying on track with your monthly budget, so keep your receipts, give yourself a weekly allowance and overestimate your necessary expenses. Taking proactive and careful measures like this will keep you on the right financial track.

Libra

frond to the ond

Do not let Mercury retrograde come between you and your family—or BFFs, especially since a recent MassMutual survey shows that 71% of Americans include close friends in their personal definition of family. Whether it’s discussing monthly spending with your BFF or chatting about the cost of your upcoming college reunion trip, it’s best to tackle these conversations in-person. Technology can be very spotty during this time, and it’s best to have your receipts printed and prepared when going into these not-so-fun financial conversations.

Pisces

intuition

A person’s intuition is one of the most powerful forces… right behind Mercury retrograde. Even though your intuition is one of your strongest drivers, your “gut instinct” may be off during Mercury retrograde, so be extra careful. During this time, stick to a financial plan rather than intuition when it comes to spending choices and making major financial decisions. And, consider tapping into your community, as one of our studies showed that people more involved in their communities are likely to have greater financial security. 

Sagittarius

First of all, take a deep breath. This retrograde cycle may test you, but preparing for the best course of action will allow you to continue your “go, go, go” mindset. Prepare a plan B when traveling, and leave early for appointments to prepare for transportation and mechanical failures. With extra transit time, knock out small financial to-dos such as paying your bills during your lengthier commutes, because #efficiency.

Scorpio

no ragrets

Stay the course financially, because your conservative approach when it comes to money will do you well while Mercury is in retrograde. Continue to stay cautious, stick to your financial goals, and save rather than spend. Build your wealth, not your #ragrets.

Virgo

planner

Grab your planner or spreadsheet, because this will be your saving grace. Even though you try to avoid chaos and uncertainty as much as possible, it may be tougher to escape it during Mercury retrograde. Therefore, write down all your upcoming deadlines and set alerts to keep the order. Closely manage your bills to ensure no late fees come up unexpectedly and keep up with routine maintenance to catch (and pay for) problems while they’re still small. Cutting clutter, especially the financial kind, truly makes such a difference in your day.

Images: Jp Valery / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Welcome To Your Quarter-Moon Crisis: Weekly Horoscopes November 4-8

Yes, Mercury is still in retrograde and yes, that is a valid excuse for calling out of work, but fear not! This week brings us a quarter moon in Aquarius and some much needed stabilizing energy for this topsy-turvy retrograde world. Now is the perfect time to restore some much-needed balance to your life, even if you’re one of those people who hears the word “stable” and is like, “What? Who is that? Is stable a carb?” Looking at you, Scorpios.

Aries

How well do you play with others, Aries? You know what, don’t even answer that. This week is the perfect time to reassess how you work in groups. Sure, group projects are annoying as f*ck (What is this? Middle school?), but they’re also an essential part of life. Focus this week on really listening when you’re in a group setting, and actually taking other people’s ideas into account. Sure, 99.9% of the sh*t Karen from Accounting says is useless garbage, but that other .1% could be exactly what you needed to take your next project across the finish line.

Taurus

How are those career goals, Taurus? Have they changed? Is there some sh*t you can let go? As this year comes to a close, now is a perfect time to take a look at your goals and see what, if anything, needs adjustment. Maybe a promotion you’ve been vying for all year has lost some of its shine, or a graduate program you’ve been busting your ass to prep for is no longer top of mind. That’s totally fine! Goals and priorities shift all the time. Like how when you were six you wanted to be a princess/fashion designer, but now you’ve seen enough movies to know that life would be extremely stressful.

Gemini

This week, Gemini, you’re tap water—aka, completely unfiltered. And with Mercury already in retrograde, this can be a pretty dangerous combo. Your usual gift for gab combined with this outspokenness means you could be in danger of putting your foot in your mouth in the worst way. Keep an extra close eye on your communications this week (aka make sure you’re not sending that shady text about Ashley to Ashley) and if all else fails, vent your feelings in the group chat. It’s the best way to avoid accidentally-on-purpose insulting your coworker’s child’s art while they’re standing right behind you.

Cancer

Ow owwww, Cancer! This week, the Moon’s erotic energy is coming (get it?) for you, and you don’t want to let that sh*t go to waste. Turn the lights down low, invest in a high-end water-based lubricant, and be sure your roommates are all up to speed on what a sock around your bedroom doorknob means. Most importantly, whether you’re with a long-term partner or somebody new, tear down that protective shell so that you can really let loose in the bedroom. Not saying you need to become a porn star overnight, but variety is the spice of life and this is the week to get spicy!

Leo

Keep your guard up, Leo. This week, scammers abound and you might find out that someone close to you is trying to take you for a ride. And not the fun kind with weed. Your naturally people-pleasing sign loves to be liked, but make sure those around you aren’t using that quality to manipulate you into doing some sh*t you don’t want to do. Like, do we really believe Rachel forgot her wallet and needs you to cover her for happy hour again? Oh, and her promise to Venmo you for it later? Fat f*cking chance.

Virgo

Your health-conscious tendencies are turned up to 11 this week, so don’t be surprised if you find yourself pulled toward starting a plant-based diet, or at least trying an impossible burger. This is the time to finish up all those annual doctor’s appointments, stock up on nourishing comfort foods, and to actually get that flu shot! Herd immunity…it’s all the rage these days! Or at least, it should be.

Libra

Valentine’s Day has come early for you, Libra, and for once changes in your love life are going to be for the better. Now is not the time to settle for a guy just because he is tall or has a (part-time) job. Now is the time to hone in on what you really want in a partner (a bedframe, a savings account, owns a hairbrush, etc…) and you might be surprised to find someone who fits that description standing right in front of you! Or on Ship. Either works.

Scorpio

Is this the 1950s? Because you’re feeling domestic as f*ck this week, Scorpio. If you haven’t taken the time to pull your sweaters out of storage, crank the thermostat, and otherwise fall-ify your living space, now is the time. This is also a great week to fire up the old slow cooker and commit yourself to seven hours of watching chili become chili. Bonus points if you pair that with a large bottle of wine you finish 100% by yourself.

Sagittarius

Take a good hard look at your friend group, Sagittarius. Who is real, and who is fake? Just as the trees are shedding those annoying, crusty leaves, you need to shed those annoying, crusty people who are draining your beautiful branches. As hard as it might seem, you know in your heart which friends are only there for your iPhone 11 camera, and which friends would help you commit low-level crimes without asking too many questions. Keep the real ones close, and let the fake friends live their sad-ass one-camera life without you.

Capricorn

And now for one of Capricorns’ favorite activities…financial planning! The Moon is providing the stabilizing force you need to really get your finances on track, and lucky for you, you live for that sh*t. Take a look not only at your budget, but at your salary. How can you take your checking account to the next level? Are you being paid what you deserve? What are “stocks”? Answer these questions by 2020, and you could be Forbes’ next self-made billionaire by 2021. Kylie Jenner, we’re coming for you!

Aquarius

Set your phone to do not disturb now, Aquarius, because you’re going to be inundated with requests to hang this week. You’re just that popular. But lucky for you, a stable Moon in your sign means you’re also going to be able to determine which invites are worth your time, and which get left on read. Sure, planning a different event for every night of the week sounds fun on Monday morning, but come Thursday you’ll be running on fumes, and its not even the weekend yet. Remember Aquarius, sleep is important. Like, vital.

Pisces

Pay close attention to your emotions this week, Pisces, because they’re going to tell you something. Your usually good intuition is particularly on-point right now, so the vibes you get from different people, places, and situations should not be ignored. Dude at the bar giving you serious creeper vibes? Stay the f*ck away. New girl at work looking like she might Single White Female you? Do not let her know where you live. You’ll thank yourself later when either or both of them end up the subject of the next Netflix true crime docuseries.

Images: Giphy (12)

Pluto And Venus Gang Up On Us: Weekend Horoscopes July 19-21

Welcome to the weekend, where, here in the U.S., we’re all v likely to die of heat exhaustion! Bless. But srsly, how long till fall, lol. This weekend, we’ve got Pluto and Venus teaming up, so that’ll mess up all kinds of sh*t for, well, most of us. From complicating relationships to making us feel all the feelings, we are gonna go through it this weekend. Luckily, Mercury making its way through Cancer from Friday until mid-August will even things out, and communication will come a lot easier for our star signs. Ah, the planets: yet another thing I can point to as the reason for my moodiness and inability to love. Here we go.

Cancer

Be the bigger person, Cancer, even if you want to f*ck some sh*t up. A negative Nancy in your inner circle is all about dampening your good mood, but try to ignore it this weekend and focus on better sh*t, like good food and a classy wine tasting. Mercury in your sign on Friday will push you to learn new things, especially when it comes to love. Maybe you’ll finally brave some weird sex stuff, or learn to open up emotionally. Either one, honestly. Just be sure to keep an eye on your emotions, since f*cking Pluto this weekend is teaming up with Venus to complicate relationships.

Leo

Relax, Leo. Work has been brutal this week, and the weekend, what with its record high temperatures forecasted, will be a great time to sit in the AC and unwind. Go get a massage somewhere fancy, or drink wine in your bathrobe. It’s whatever. Plus, your romance outlook isn’t like, amazing this weekend anyway, what with Pluto pushing you to your most stressful, so it’s a perfect weekend to lay low.

Virgo

Get out with your biddies, Virgo. It’s a great weekend to refuel with your besties while you’re out and about. Go urban hiking and shop outdoors, or head to a winery to embarrass yourselves. I know canceling plans is always a welcome respite, but, this weekend you really need to push yourself to get out and do some fun sh*t. It’ll be worth it. Once the girls’ weekend is over, Pluto will inspire you to talk through and discover what you need in your relationship to make it sparkle, so prepare for some deep but awesome convos with your honey or new beau.

Libra

Look at the good, but don’t lose sight of the potentially bad this weekend, Libra. Your friends and co-workers think you’re amazing (with good reason; you’re super awesome), but you could clash with close loved ones and family this weekend if you give in to jealous vibes. Don’t give in and keep being you—focus on the positive. Take your mind off any bad juju by heading outdoors or getting lost in some murder porn on Netflix.

Scorpio

Reach out to your friends and family that live far, far away, Scorpio. It seems like sort of a weird way to focus your weekend, but we promise you’ll feel super warm and fuzzy after either visiting in person or video chatting from home. On the love front, if you’re dealing with a long distance love interest, the romance could definitely go next level on Saturday. Just be careful of your paranoia and jealousy, which, unless they’re super legit, could totally ruin the relationship. Pluto merging with Venus over the weekend will also have you feeling very high highs and very low lows, so just keep that in mind if your relationships (near or far) feel like an emotional rollercoaster.

Sagittarius

Keep the good vibes going, Sagittarius. This weekend you’ll likely be feeling super good about your relationship physically, emotionally, and sexually (yay). So make sure you have a date night planned with your new or steady lovah. Things could reaaaaally heat up Friday or Saturday night. However, money questions could throw things off, so try to go with the flow for a bit before bringing all that business up. If you’re single, concerns about people’s credit, student loans, and other financial matters could be keeping you from finding someone you jive with, so chill tf out and try not to get into credit scores before at least date four.

Capricorn

Stop focusing on yourself, Capricorn, at least this weekend. Trust friends, family, and significant others this weekend to plan entertainment and activities so you can relinquish some control. Things aren’t always going to go your way, and this weekend is a great opportunity to explore that. Like, we get that you really wanted the fry and mozzarella stick basket again as an appetizer, but will it kill you to let your hubs indulge in the nachos this once? No. So chill tf out.

Aquarius

It’s okay if you need to pound away on a work project or big time cleaning extravaganza this weekend, Aquarius—it’ll make Monday and the week ahead that much more tolerable. Plus, cleaning and pounding away on work will take your mind off of the negativity you’ve been holding on to, so it could be a good thing to focus on the “not so fun” tasks like vacuuming, dusting, and merger spreadsheets this Saturday. You’re totally good to reward yourself afterward with beer and pizza, too.

Pisces

You’ve got a fun-filled weekend in store, Pisces, so don’t f*ck it up. Get lost in your favorite hobby (drinking) with friends, or schedule a date with a new person or your significant other on Saturday. The planets are working their magic for you to be your best self, so don’t waste the opportunity. Looks like your online dating life will get a boost from Mercury in Cancer on Friday, too, so be sure to actually check in on your dating apps.

Aries

Don’t text your ex, Aries. You may feel the need to throw an impromptu get-together this weekend, but try to avoid inviting exes that’ll totally complicate the vibe. Same rules go for bros you’d love to smash, but are either already wifed up or just emotionally unavailable. Save yourself the trouble (and drama) and look elsewhere this weekend. We promise you’ll still have a good time without them.

Taurus

Let love (and like, people) in, Taurus. You’ve been kind of in a hole this past week, so expect messages from friends and family looking to catch up. They love you, so don’t be a jerk. Impromptu meetups are all the rage this weekend, so go against your desire to cancel plans Saturday and Sunday. You’ll actually be super great with communication this weekend, too, thanks to Mercury making its way through Cancer, so look for opportunities to chat it up with new and old friends.

Gemini

Spend that money, Gemini—you earned it. But remember to not dig your credit hole any deeper or expect your significant other to pay for everything. Being an adult means being smart about your finances, unfortunately, so be sure to keep that in mind when you’re throwing out the cash for a triple cheese pizza, pedicure, and massage. There are plenty of responsible ways to enjoy your weekend, so, yes, feel free to spend, just don’t go nuts.

Images: Giphy (12) 

New Moon, Same You: Weekly Horoscopes For December 3-7

The end is near! The end of Mercury in retrograde, of course. Mercury corrects its course on December 6. Think of that as an early Christmas present from the planets directly to you. Travel plans will go much more smoothly than they did over Thanksgiving. You’re less likely to run into someone you used to know while Christmas shopping. And you won’t accidentally sext your boss. This week, though, you’ve gotta watch out for that pesky New Moon. Here are your weekly horoscopes for December 3-7:

Aries

The New Moon takes place in your realms of philosophy, education and travel this week. So, like, basically any activity that expands your mind is going to be very beneficial. If you can’t bring yourself to crack a book, listening to a new podcast or heading to a different news source than your usual could really open your mind. You’ll have a bunch of opportunities to network in the near future so it never hurts to have new shit to talk about, right?

Taurus

The New Moon takes place in one of your money houses. Most signs have to watch what they spend. As a Taurus, you aren’t actually that bad with your money at all. This week, though, you’ll be inspired to think a little more about it. Consider making a holiday budget or convincing yourself you’ll only be going out three nights a week instead of seven. Ok, maybe still go out seven nights a week, but make sure someone else foots the bill once in a while.

Gemini

The Sun and Moon team up in your house of partnerships this week. Something this week will get you thinking about the kind of relationship you have with your significant other, current hang, or possibly even your work wife/husband. Is this relationship healthy? Is it beneficial? Are you just in it because you don’t want to be cold and alone during cuffing season? Get real with yourself, betch.

Cancer

The New Moon this week takes place in your house of health. Sure, you’ve probably already given up on caring until after the New Year, but let’s not let things get out of control here. Motivate yourself to actually go to the gym, even if it’s just to walk on a treadmill while you look at your phone. Remember to drink water, even though it’s cold outside. And don’t get too tempted by the office candy bowl. You can’t hide in oversize sweaters forever.

Leo

The New Moon makes you fun, creative and talented. While it’s tempting to think, “Hey, I’m really good at this, I should get paid for it,” you also need to consider your level of dedication before starting a new side hustle or venture. You don’t want to start an Instagram for your blossoming small business, only to realize you have no passion for macrame after two weeks. Some things can just be hobbies, and that’s ok!

Virgo

This week, you need to watch yourself when voicing your opinion. Mercury retrograde at the start of the week messes up your ability to be a totally effective communicator. What you think is constructive criticism may come out as way harsh, Tai. Cool it on the judgement as much as you can. Or, just, like, talk behind someone’s back instead of saying it to their face.

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Libra

This week is all about enjoying the simple things in life. The holiday season can be especially stressful for you. Also, it feels like you can’t get anything done at work/school because no one else is focused, like, at all between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Find comfort in a hot bath, finding an amazing deal on holiday candles, or savoring every last drop of a six dollar bottle of wine.

Scorpio

Mercury finishes its retrograde in your sign this week, so you’re still susceptible to major f*ckups until you’re given the all-clear on December 6. It’s best to just walk on egg shells for the first part of the week. Don’t tweet or post anything remotely controversial. Cancel that haircut because you will be motivated to get bangs. And certainly don’t agree to go on a first date unless you want it to go horribly and be really awkward. Yikes.

Sagittarius

The New Moon is in your sign this week! The Sun is also in your sign. Even though Mercury is in retrograde until December 6, things are basically easy breezy for you. You friends will be chill. You have enough to do so that you won’t be bored, but not too much so that you’re overwhelmed. Wow, you really are, like, so lucky and blessed at this point in your life. Good for you.

Capricorn

While you’re waiting for the Sun to enter your sign next month, you’re basically in hibernation mode. It’s time to look back on the last year of your life and set some goals for where you’d like to see yourself a year from now. The New Moon will make you introspective, and also motivate you to let go of shit you don’t need. Time to throw out clutter, unfollow some people and delete all the guys in your phone with the last name “Tinder”.

Aquarius

It’s time for you to do some strategizing this week. With the New Moon in your house of work, you’ve got to put a plan in motion to get you where you want to be in your career. That might mean sitting at the right table at the company holiday party, or making sure you have an extra random gift in case someone gives you something unexpectedly. Figure out how you can have the upper hand and go from there.

Pisces

The New Moon takes place at the top of your chart, meaning it will have an influence on authority figures in your life. It’s important to be in good favor with people who hold your fate in their hand. Make sure you don’t piss off professors, bosses, or your landlord. Bring out your inner Betty Crocker. It’s kind of hard to be mad at someone when they’re handing you freshly baked cookies, right?

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We Almost Survived: Weekend Horoscopes For Nov. 30-Dec. 2

The end of Mercury in retrograde is so close, yet still so far away. We’re dealing with that BS until December 6. It’s cold, it’s miserable, literally everything that could go wrong is going wrong. Never fear, there is some good news (for some of the signs) in your weekend horoscope. Check out how the planets might not ruin your life. Here are your weekend horoscopes for November 30-December 2.

Aries

Venus moves into Scorpio this weekend, making you all hot and bothered. Sure, your temper could flare and you could cause a big fight between you and your significant other. But that fight will probably lead to really hot makeup sex. There’s nothing sexier than hate sex, or so they say. Wait, maybe the only person who said that is your ex? NVM.

Taurus

A Venus-Uranus opposition makes you super anxious over the weekend. If you’re not worrying about your friends, it’s your relationship status (or lack thereof) that’s stressing you. If you’re not paranoid about your boss hating you, you’re contemplating whether you hate your boss and job and probably your whole career. Drink some calming tea. Rub lavender oil on your wrists or whatever the hell you need to do to calm the eff down.

Read: I Tried A Bunch Of Natural Relaxation Methods & Here's What Worked

Gemini

You need to make a decision about something this weekend before something or someone else decides for you. Sure, as a Gemini, you can often get away with straddling the fence, so to speak. You know you have at least one situation in your life right now where it’s time to make heads or tails of it. Do one of those pro-con charts or call your mom for advice. Hell, you can even flip an actual coin if you want.

Cancer

With Mercury in retrograde until December 6, you’re at risk of acting quickly and rashly. You’ll probably say something you don’t mean. Or, well, maybe you do mean it but you didn’t mean to say it. You could even make a major life decision without thinking it through. Why not put any major decision making on the back burner for a couple more weeks, k?

Leo

The Venus-Uranus opposition makes you super feisty. Your harsh words are putting you on track to lose friends and influence people to hate you. Just because you know exactly what to say to offend someone to the core of their being, doesn’t mean you should say it. Think it. Write it out in a text and then delete delete delete. Pressing send is detrimental to your health this weekend.

Virgo

Girl, you literally cannot keep spending money the way you are right now. The vibes in your money houses are all messed up. Sure, you can keep justifying your spending by saying “it’s the holidays” and “I need this for a party” or “I will literally have a mental breakdown if I don’t validate my insecurities with this purchase”, but you need to slow your roll if you don’t want to be broke as a joke by New Years.

Libra

Your ruler, Venus, moves into Scorpio this weekend, inspiring you to treat your self to all the festive holiday goods. You’re not the most decadent of the signs, but for some reason you’re eyeballing furry jackets and sequin skirts and holiday themed sweaters you would literally wear one time. It’s best to avoid the frivolous purchases right now. You really don’t need satin sheets and you’ll need that money later.

Scorpio

Venus moves into your sign this weekend, bringing you luck in the love and romance departments. Of course, there might be some bumps along the way with Mercury still in retrograde until December 6. If it’s not a deal-breaker, give those awkward sexual encounters and red flags a pass until after Mercury corrects its course. If things are still borderline weird and creepy, call yourself the Ghost of Christmas Present and GTFO.

Sagittarius

There’s a battle between what you want to do and what’s being asked of you this weekend. Like, maybe you have to work and all your friends, are, like, day drinking. Maybe your current hang wants to spend a lot of time with you and you need some space. Prioritize yourself this weekend. Unless that means quitting your job. Don’t do that, you need the money. And if you call in sick, don’t post what you’re actually doing on your Insta story.

Capricorn

Unfortunately, the Venus-Uranus opposition brings drama to your life. Luckily, the issue probably won’t center on you. Still, you need to be aware that you might have to cancel plans when your friend calls to tell you she broke up with her boyfriend or got fired or found out that those bumps weren’t just razor burn. Be her shoulder to cry on. It’s good practice for when you have a rough week and need someone to lean on, too. What goes around comes around, especially when it’s herpes. Yikes.

Aquarius

Venus soars into Scorpio on Sunday, passing through your career house. Mercury retrograde has made things a little awkward or uncomfortable at work. Now’s the time to evaluate whether you want to cancel your winter vacation plans so you can seem diligent and dedicated or if you want to start packing more business cards to holiday parties. Up to you.

Pisces

Your values are changing, but that doesn’t mean things are going in the wrong direction. Things and people you once thought were important to you seem less important now. Likewise, sh*t you didn’t care about before might seem appealing. In the words of Fleetwood Mac, go your own way. It’s 2018 and you can pretty much do whatever you want. If someone questions you on it, just accuse them of being close-minded. Works every time.

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Yoga Pants Are All That Fits You RN: Weekly Horoscopes For November 26-30

Now that Thanksgiving is out of the way and you’ve fully accepted that yoga pants are all that will fit you between now and Christmas, we can really get out and enjoy ourselves. Better not start that combination keto/paleo/bone broth cleanse right now, because the stars are aligning in just a way that keeps you busy, social and happy. Sure, Mercury is still in retrograde for a week or two more, but you’re not going to let that get in your way. Here are your weekly horoscopes for November 26-30.

Aries

You draw energy this week from the Sun, retrograde Mercury, and Jupiter in your fellow fire sign, Sagittarius. This makes you more likely to do things out of your comfort zone like attempting to ice skate or taking a winter carriage ride. Sure, normally you’d think these things are cliche and a waste of money—which they are. But, hey, sometimes you need to do something you’d normally make fun of to shake things up a little bit.

Taurus

There’s a lot of activity in your money houses this week. Of course, with the holidays, like, basically here, it makes sense that there’s a bunch coming in and out of your bank account. Take a second to really think about what you’re buying and for whom you’re buying it. If your boyfriend is only going to spend $200 on you, don’t go out of your way to buy him a $700 ski pass or some sh*t. You don’t want to throw the power dynamic off like that, okay?

Gemini

The Sun opposite your sign in Sagittarius means you still need to get more sleep to recharge yourself to power through the second half of your personal year. Use this excuse as an explanation for why you can’t meet people out for drinks or dinner or whatever. It’s not that you’re boring and too weak willed to go out in the cold. No. You’re just preparing to really kick ass starting in the Gemini Q3.

Cancer

Retrograde Mercury continues to create delays, little errors, and mistakes for you at work for the next two weeks. You’ll just have to deal with that because there’s not much you can do to change it. Luckily, there’s a lot going on for you socially this week. You’ll basically get an invite for every second you have to spare and most, if not all, of those invites will include alcohol. There’s nothing like an extended happy hour to make you forget you hit “reply all” when you meant to FWD.

Leo

Things are going pretty well for you right now considering Mercury is still in retrograde. This week, you’ll probably find yourself taking in your surroundings and really being appreciative for what you have. Maybe you’ll find the subway rats cute or thank that homeless man for complimenting your outfit on your way to work. Ah, yes, positivity abounds.

Virgo

Mercury in retrograde likes to bring things up from your past. Hopefully, you made it through Thanksgiving relatively unscathed. Like, maybe you only saw your ex boyfriend’s mom at the grocery store and not him and his new girlfriend. Phew. There’s still a chance for things like that to happen during the next two weeks, and with fiery Mars opposite your sign, it will be especially annoying to you.

Libra

This week could be difficult for you at work/school because you have a lot on your plate, yet others are demanding so much of your freaking time. Like, yes, Kayla, I’ll listen to you practice your presentation six more times but after that I really have to get back to, you know, doing my own sh*t. Thank god you’re, like, such a good friend.

Scorpio

Money and sex are, like, pretty big themes for you over the next little stretch of time. You’re entering a 12-month window where you have potential to earn a lot more dough. Likewise, you’ll have a desire to be more physical and tactile starting this week. Sometimes your Orangetheory class isn’t enough to get all that pent-up energy out, no matter how many splat points you’re earning.

Sagittarius

Things continue to be pretty much all about you all the time. The Sun, Mercury in retrograde, and Jupiter are still in your sign. The Sun keeps you energized to deal with the BS Mercury in retrograde throws your way. You’re more likely to miss appointments, lose things, and run late. Which is totally not like you. So when you use Mercury in retrograde as an excuse to your boss, they should totally understand. Maybe. Probably not.

Capricorn

Venus and Mars working together this week make you strong, opinionated, and direct. Of course, all those things combined can also make you pretty argumentative. Stay away from anyone you need to keep the peace with. Like grandparents and parents and your significant other. I mean, you don’t want to be on anyone’s sh*t list heading into the holidays. It could really cut down on how much they spend on your present.

Aquarius

This week, you might run into your past in unexpected places. You can thank Mercury retrograde for that. This is a time where you bump into an old high school friend while you’re in a different state or country. You might share a train car with a guy you went on one Hinge date with. It’s hard to say when this will happen, but you should probably dress cute every day just in case.

Pisces

Mars is in your sign giving you a bunch of fiery energy to go after what you want. Be careful who you step on on your way to the top, because planets at the top of your chart shine a light on your actions. Bosses, professors and VIPs will be watching, so you need to be mindful of the impression you’re making. As long as you stay on the up and up, things could go especially well for you too.

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