We all have our deal breakers when it comes to men: for some, it’s the inability to pronounce “quinoa”. For others, it’s maybe “hasn’t quite been convicted”. It really all comes down to
low standards personal preference, but if there’s one thing that’s been clinically proven as a 100% effective form of birth control, it would be the way some men choose to voluntarily style themselves, like, oh idk, say the deadly combination of jeans paired with New Balance sneakers. Call me shallow all you want, but that’s because I am. I can’t even believe this is coming out of my mouth mostly because I’m not even drunk yet, but much of men’s fashion choices made in today’s world make the days of Lacoste polos and sock-less Sperry’s look like the Balenciaga of Paris Fashion Week. Look, I know guys could literally give zero fucks about how they look, but we put up with way too much of their bullshit, like getting to the final photo in his Bumble account, only to double-take at some heinous sweater vest that was a legitimate style choice, and not even worn as a Robert DeNiro costume. Betches have a reputation to uphold, and because I have nothing better to do with my Friday before getting obliterated for 3 days straight, there’s nothing more that I love doing than ripping on some of guys’ worst fashion fails you should never swipe right on, no matter how desperate you are.
1. Cargo Shorts
This guy has been friend zoned as long as cargo shorts have been in the Kohl’s inventory. First off, men’s shorts should never droop more than 6 inches below the kneecap. Second, there is no reason a pair of shorts should contain pockets the size of saddle bags. Like, wtf is he even putting in those pockets that can’t fit into the back pocket of a normal pair of pants? You’re not dating Indiana Jones. He doesn’t need space for his hacksaw and leather whip. And if he does, it’s called a backpack—read a fucking issue of GQ.
2. Athletic Shorts To A Bar
Sure, they’re comfortable, but so are my yoga pants with holes in the crotch and you don’t see me wearing those to a bar, do you? Whatever, it was one fucking time. There’s a time and a place for unnecessarily long Nike shorts—which by the way, look like they’re weighted down by pounds of week-old sweat 94% of the time—and that place is at the gym, or idk, in the back of the Good Will truck.
3. Backwards Hat With Backwards Sunglasses
Know where our eyes are not? In the back of our fucking heads. Hats and sunglasses serve one job, so it really just comes down to the basics of anatomy at this point. Unless this dude can find a way to bond with my 48-year-old river rat uncle steering a boat on Memorial Day weekend, stop trying to make this happen, like yesterday.
4. Sandals With Jeans
I’m just gonna put this as nice as possible: Guys’ feet are fucking gross. It’s really just a simple question of aesthetics. Nobody cares to see a guy’s hairy barbarian toes and unkempt toenails because of that one time he refused to
emasculate groom himself at the nail salon. I’d say men’s sandals should never be allowed, but there’s nothing more I love making fun of than a dude wearing converse to the beach, so idk maybe leave the tacky leather flip flops for like, a cottage retreat that cell service/photo devices aren’t even able to be used.
5. Muscle Tee/Tank Tops
Muscle tees are the reason
I binge drink for my trust issues. Ever gone in for a hug from a guy in a muscle tee, only to be ambushed by the scent of Axe body spray and armpit bush? Honestly, this one all comes down to geometry. If a guy is gonna wear a tank top, the amount of skin showing should never exceed the square inches of fabric. It just shouldn’t. Also, since we’re doing this whole “equality for all the sexes” thing, if betches can’t practice free reign of the nip, there should be no reason for a guy’s nipple to be peeking through the slits in his man tank. That’s all.
Unless this guy comes equipped with a magic carpet and a fucking genie who can grant me my life-long wish of being debt- and hangover-free, then there is no reason for further explanation here. Plus, Aladdin was the king of Disney fuckboy street rats anyway.
If a guy wears more accessories at one time than I have upper body limbs, I’m just gonna assume that he’ll rarely ever make time for you because his indie funk garage band has practice every weekend. There should never be a reason pinky rings, fashion scarves, pink-framed glasses and stacked necklaces should ever reside on the body of a human with a penis. He’s not Stephen Tyler, and he sure as hell will never replace Johnny Depp in the 26th Pirates movie.
8. Borderline Offensive Graphic Tees
Idk why everyone seems to think they’re a goddamn comedian nowadays, but chances are, if he’s wearing a shirt from Spencer’s you found funny in middle school, he’s still living in his glory days as the 8th grade class clown. That “No One is Ugly After 2am” T-shirt is pretty fucking
true offensive, because for one, they’re just setting themselves up for failure the next morning, and two, we all know it’s a lost art to still look decent by the time last call rolls around. Whether this guy is with stupid or not, I can only assume he was the idiot from ATO in college who tried to roofie half your sorority. Plus, “Female Body Inspectors”? That just screams “still hides porn collection from parents.”
9. Deep V-Neck Tees
Are you dating a member of The Wanted? Then I rest my case. But I’ll keep going because I find pure joy in shit talking. Deep V-Necks in any way, shape, or form serve one purpose and that’s to show a profound amount of cleavage, hence why they should never be worn by a human with a penis. Not only does his overbearing amount of Polo cologne intertwined with his protruding chest hair make for a walking form of birth control, but this is the type of douchebag who will claim that his deal breaker is girls with chipped nail polish—which is really funny because just personally speaking, my deal breaker is guys who say their deal breaker is girls with chipped nail polish. Bye.
Maybe it’s because I’m just jealous that guys have once again one-upped us in peeing practicality by being able to whip it out from the leg of the romper without looking like they just took a golden shower, but honestly, idk why the fuck we’re still talking about these things. Was this not just a joke? I’m done.
Remember a few days ago when you felt personally victimized by RompHims? Well we have some bad news, because there’s a new pastel product in town: lace shorts for men. They come in five different colors, and yes, we were also triggered after “lace.” They were first advertised through an Instagram account named Sparkie Baby Official, which tells you pretty much everything you need to know about how legit and high quality they are, if the built-in belts didn’t already give that away.
Judging by the long white socks on the models, the shorts are clearly intended for bros. The more we think about it, maybe we should have seen this coming. Like, how different really are lace shorts from the bright pink Vineyard Vines shit we’ve been told were “fratty” for years? Is this not just an even better outfit for an entire pledge class to wear while shouting homophobic slurs at each other? They’re wearing the lace as a JOKE, guys. It’s not like they wear it underneath their clothes everyday!
All jokes about repressed sexuality aside, these are extremely concerning from a utility standpoint. The only material is some shitty lace and heinous white…briefs? Are those included with the shorts? There is literally no chance they’re covering ANYTHING, and if any guy is dumb enough to buy these he’s also probably too dumb to realize he’s flashing everyone and the FB tags will not be kind to him.
TBH, I’m pretty sure the only reason anyone is discussing these shorts is because of the guy in green. He is taking bubble butt to a whole new level and if he doesn’t have a modeling agent yet, I would like to step forward and offer my services because I think we could really go places. First stop: remove the tats. Next stop: Calvin Klein.
What will be next in douchebag fashion? We can’t be certain, but the thought is pretty terrifying at this point. We never thought we’d miss the days of Lacoste polos, ugh.