It is a universally-acknowledged truth that there is nothing more attractive in this world than a man in a well-fitted suit. Unless, of course, we’re talking about a man in a well-fitted tux. Tragically, unless you’re the kind of person who frequents red carpets, the only time you’re really going to experience a man in a good tuxedo is at a wedding. And the only time you’re going to be able to influence the decisions about that tux is at your own wedding.
Wedding planning is horrifying enough without the additional stress of having to make sure your fiancé doesn’t show up in some sad, dusty rental from David’s Bridal. But don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. With help from the experts at Indochino, we’ve broken down a Tuxedo 101 for all the men in your wedding party. Just send them this article, and then go right back to trying to decide which mini-whimsical dessert you’ll be serving at your reception. We’ll take it from here.
First and foremost, my guys, a suit and a tux are not the same. Not. The. Same. Different occasions. Different cuts. Very different outcomes of your bride’s mood if you show up to your black-tie wedding in a charcoal suit.
To get specific here, typically there’s a satin lapel on the jacket of a tux, and there are buttons and piping on the pants. Tuxes have an inherent air of formality that suits typically lack, either because they’re made of higher-quality and more luxurious materials, or because you wear them less often. While tailoring is important on all fronts, tailored tuxes are especially important because otherwise, you’re going to look like a 16-year-old at prom in a bad rental. Remember how fun that night was? Exactly.
While we’re on the topic, stop renting tuxes. Let’s move past the general hygiene of it all and get down to the point that matters: you’re an adult. It’s time to buckle down and commit to owning one nice thing. Women have to own approximately 100 nice things to function in society on a daily basis. You can handle one. Plus, owning a tux allows you the freedom of all-out customization, and the assurance that it’s actually going to fit right.
That’s right! Customization! Who said this had to be boring? Tuxedos can be customized to your heart’s desire. Lapels? There are five different kinds. Literally, who knew? You can choose between Notch, Notch Slim, Peak, Wide Peak, and Shawl—but an insider tip, Peak and Shawl seem to be the most popular. Lapel fabric can also be changed out if you’re feeling especially adventurous, keeping the season in mind, of course.
When it comes to buttons, you’re probably safe with two. Double-breasted is a look that few can pull off, so if you’re going to move in that direction, do so with the utmost confidence. Are you Michael B. Jordan? Go wild. Are you not Michael B. Jordan? Maybe tread carefully.
A tuxedo is typically limited to one vent, the slit up the back of the jacket that allows for mobility, but if you have an ass that won’t quit, or have been known to bust a move on the dance floor, you may want to explore two.
Now let’s talk monogramming—it’s not just for sorority girls. Many grooms will get a cute message/date/quote/whatever customized on the inside of their tuxedo jacket to commemorate the big day. There a lot of pros here: it’s cute as hell, makes for a good photo, your bride will lose it over the minimal effort you’ve exerted here, and you can still wear the suit for future occasions because the monogram is hidden. Or just come out of left field and get the lyrics to “Old Town Road” monogrammed across the back of your coat. Idk. I’m not your wedding planner. (Don’t do that.)
It’s important to think all these options through before heading in for your first fitting. Going in blind will be overwhelming and likely waste everyone’s time, so be sure to at least have an idea of what you might want. But don’t stress—this should be a fun and memorable process!
Recognize early on that this will not be a quick journey, and plan accordingly. The actual showroom process will be at least an hour. The suit ships in two weeks, but you’ll want to get it at least six weeks out to allow for alterations. Yes, there will be alterations. I’m sure you’re reading this and going, “Well I’ll only wear it once, so what’s the point?”, so let me just take a minute to explain to you that you’re wrong.
You will not wear it once. I can promise you this. Because, one day, you will turn 28, and without even asking permission, every single one of your friends will get engaged. Every single one of your girlfriend’s friends will get engaged. It will be as if they all sat down together and plotted ways to absolutely bankrupt you over the course of one season. Against all odds, you will be the only not-engaged person in your city. You will spend inhumane amounts of money on gifts, engagement parties, flights, bachelor parties, and the excessive amount of alcohol all those things require. When that day comes, you will be very happy that the one thing you don’t have to spend money on is a tuxedo.
Trust me on this one.
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (4)
You know how some people say they can judge a guy based on how he treats waiters? Or how he acts around the elderly? Well, we prefer to judge guys based on how they show up on Halloween. While a girl can spend weeks putting together the final touches on her Wonder Woman corset, guys usually think of their costumes 10 minutes before the pregame, or they just don’t dress up at all. You’d think it wouldn’t be that hard for a guy to put on a decent costume that doesn’t scream “I’m a tool,” but for some reason, so many miss the mark. Here’s what a guy’s costume says about him, just so you know what you’re waking up next to on November 1st.
The Full-On Mascot Suit
Oh god. The full suit. This is your typical “Who would actually buy that?” costume, including but not limited to: the banana, the M&M, the Angry Bird, the Ninja Turtle, the Pikachu, the hotdog, and that goddamn yellow minion. Cringe. Costumes like these are so alarming, and it probably means this guy is an immature freak who is likely to take your relationship too seriously. Like, he’s trying too hard to be funny, and he definitely looked you up on Facebook when he went to the bathroom. He’s a creep. Just like any costumed adult you would avoid in Times Square, avoid this guy too. However, I do want a copy of the receipt to laugh at how much this guy spent at Party City. I just really need to know.
The Donald Trump Costume
If you show up in a Donald Trump costume on Halloween, I’d like to sit you down privately and ask you how exactly you thought this would go over. Trump won the election a year ago, and the joke hasn’t suddenly gotten funnier since Halloween 12 months ago. I mean, at least at that time no one knew he would win yet. Also, what is your goal here? Because if it’s to hook up, then you’re sorely mistaken. Do you really think a girl would look at your costume and think like, “OMG Donald Trump, how cute and funny! I think I’ll go home with that guy.” Nope. At least in a Hillary costume you could potentially get with a drunk feminist and call it a night. The Trump costume is a huge red flag for sooo many reasons. Next.
The Jersey & Jeans
This costume honestly takes no effort whatsoever, but we kinda respect a guy who throws on a basketball jersey five seconds before he leaves the house. Hear us out. It shows that he’s chill and mature enough not to give a fuck about Halloween, but also realizes that he needs to do something to commemorate the holiday. Plus, every guy just looks good in a jersey and jeans. It’s a fact. Like, this guy is simple, to the point, and mature enough to not make a fool out of himself. He’s already lived in Murray Hill and he’s over it. This is the type of guy who wants to order wine at dinner and knows exactly what bottle he wants. Plus, he’ll probably take you to a Knicks game. He’s a keeper.
The Very Creative Pun
Pun costumes are those ones that make you take a second to think about it, and then say, “OH I get it, but like… why.” We’re referring to the “Cereal Killer” dressed in a Frosted Flakes shirt with a water gun. Or the “Starbucks” with gold stars and money signs painted on a Hanes V-neck. These stories are real and they’re tragic, and so is this guy. I mean, you might be impressed that he went to Yale or that he reads a lot, but like, this guy put way too much thought into this costume and he’s either a legit weirdo or he’s missing a screw. Most likely both.
The Firefighter/ Military/ Policeman Variation
This is a tough one, because it depends on how much commitment this guy has put into this costume. Like, if he’s just wearing aviators and a police hat with a normal outfit, this guy probably has his shit together and we can get on board. On the other hand, if it’s obvious that the guy ordered a full-on firefighter suit online three weeks ago, this kid has to get his priorities straight. Plus, he probably thinks he looks legitimately sexy in his too-short camo shorts, when he just looks like a 14-year-old boy dressing up as Magic Mike. This is probably the guy who enjoys group chats and still refers to his 2007 AEPi mixers as his “glory days.” Send help.
The T-Shirt That Says “This is My Costume”
Ugh, my heart goes out to the guys who find this T-shirt in Target and think it would be a clever, no-fuss Halloween costume. I mean, this guy is obviously lost and has no sisters, but he actually might not be such a bad guy. This is one of those guys who has potential to be legit boyfriend material, but you’d just have to take his AmEx to purchase him a new wardrobe and a few necessary Kiehl’s products. This is the kid who was nerdy in high school, but he’s honestly kinda hot now and probably cleans his socks off the floor without being asked. Don’t give up on him just yet. But also don’t go home with him. I mean, have you seen his shirt? It’s not his night.
We all have our deal breakers when it comes to men: for some, it’s the inability to pronounce “quinoa”. For others, it’s maybe “hasn’t quite been convicted”. It really all comes down to low standards personal preference, but if there’s one thing that’s been clinically proven as a 100% effective form of birth control, it would be the way some men choose to voluntarily style themselves, like, oh idk, say the deadly combination of jeans paired with New Balance sneakers. Call me shallow all you want, but that’s because I am. I can’t even believe this is coming out of my mouth mostly because I’m not even drunk yet, but much of men’s fashion choices made in today’s world make the days of Lacoste polos and sock-less Sperry’s look like the Balenciaga of Paris Fashion Week. Look, I know guys could literally give zero fucks about how they look, but we put up with way too much of their bullshit, like getting to the final photo in his Bumble account, only to double-take at some heinous sweater vest that was a legitimate style choice, and not even worn as a Robert DeNiro costume. Betches have a reputation to uphold, and because I have nothing better to do with my Friday before getting obliterated for 3 days straight, there’s nothing more that I love doing than ripping on some of guys’ worst fashion fails you should never swipe right on, no matter how desperate you are.
1. Cargo Shorts
This guy has been friend zoned as long as cargo shorts have been in the Kohl’s inventory. First off, men’s shorts should never droop more than 6 inches below the kneecap. Second, there is no reason a pair of shorts should contain pockets the size of saddle bags. Like, wtf is he even putting in those pockets that can’t fit into the back pocket of a normal pair of pants? You’re not dating Indiana Jones. He doesn’t need space for his hacksaw and leather whip. And if he does, it’s called a backpack—read a fucking issue of GQ.
2. Athletic Shorts To A Bar
Sure, they’re comfortable, but so are my yoga pants with holes in the crotch and you don’t see me wearing those to a bar, do you? Whatever, it was one fucking time. There’s a time and a place for unnecessarily long Nike shorts—which by the way, look like they’re weighted down by pounds of week-old sweat 94% of the time—and that place is at the gym, or idk, in the back of the Good Will truck.
3. Backwards Hat With Backwards Sunglasses
Know where our eyes are not? In the back of our fucking heads. Hats and sunglasses serve one job, so it really just comes down to the basics of anatomy at this point. Unless this dude can find a way to bond with my 48-year-old river rat uncle steering a boat on Memorial Day weekend, stop trying to make this happen, like yesterday.
4. Sandals With Jeans
I’m just gonna put this as nice as possible: Guys’ feet are fucking gross. It’s really just a simple question of aesthetics. Nobody cares to see a guy’s hairy barbarian toes and unkempt toenails because of that one time he refused to emasculate groom himself at the nail salon. I’d say men’s sandals should never be allowed, but there’s nothing more I love making fun of than a dude wearing converse to the beach, so idk maybe leave the tacky leather flip flops for like, a cottage retreat that cell service/photo devices aren’t even able to be used.
5. Muscle Tee/Tank Tops
Muscle tees are the reason I binge drink for my trust issues. Ever gone in for a hug from a guy in a muscle tee, only to be ambushed by the scent of Axe body spray and armpit bush? Honestly, this one all comes down to geometry. If a guy is gonna wear a tank top, the amount of skin showing should never exceed the square inches of fabric. It just shouldn’t. Also, since we’re doing this whole “equality for all the sexes” thing, if betches can’t practice free reign of the nip, there should be no reason for a guy’s nipple to be peeking through the slits in his man tank. That’s all.
6. Vests
Unless this guy comes equipped with a magic carpet and a fucking genie who can grant me my life-long wish of being debt- and hangover-free, then there is no reason for further explanation here. Plus, Aladdin was the king of Disney fuckboy street rats anyway.
7. Accessories
If a guy wears more accessories at one time than I have upper body limbs, I’m just gonna assume that he’ll rarely ever make time for you because his indie funk garage band has practice every weekend. There should never be a reason pinky rings, fashion scarves, pink-framed glasses and stacked necklaces should ever reside on the body of a human with a penis. He’s not Stephen Tyler, and he sure as hell will never replace Johnny Depp in the 26th Pirates movie.
8. Borderline Offensive Graphic Tees
Idk why everyone seems to think they’re a goddamn comedian nowadays, but chances are, if he’s wearing a shirt from Spencer’s you found funny in middle school, he’s still living in his glory days as the 8th grade class clown. That “No One is Ugly After 2am” T-shirt is pretty fucking true offensive, because for one, they’re just setting themselves up for failure the next morning, and two, we all know it’s a lost art to still look decent by the time last call rolls around. Whether this guy is with stupid or not, I can only assume he was the idiot from ATO in college who tried to roofie half your sorority. Plus, “Female Body Inspectors”? That just screams “still hides porn collection from parents.”
9. Deep V-Neck Tees
Are you dating a member of The Wanted? Then I rest my case. But I’ll keep going because I find pure joy in shit talking. Deep V-Necks in any way, shape, or form serve one purpose and that’s to show a profound amount of cleavage, hence why they should never be worn by a human with a penis. Not only does his overbearing amount of Polo cologne intertwined with his protruding chest hair make for a walking form of birth control, but this is the type of douchebag who will claim that his deal breaker is girls with chipped nail polish—which is really funny because just personally speaking, my deal breaker is guys who say their deal breaker is girls with chipped nail polish. Bye.
10. RompHims
Maybe it’s because I’m just jealous that guys have once again one-upped us in peeing practicality by being able to whip it out from the leg of the romper without looking like they just took a golden shower, but honestly, idk why the fuck we’re still talking about these things. Was this not just a joke? I’m done.
Read: Mattel Just Released A New Line Of Ken Dolls And They’re All Fuckboys
Remember a few days ago when you felt personally victimized by RompHims? Well we have some bad news, because there’s a new pastel product in town: lace shorts for men. They come in five different colors, and yes, we were also triggered after “lace.” They were first advertised through an Instagram account named Sparkie Baby Official, which tells you pretty much everything you need to know about how legit and high quality they are, if the built-in belts didn’t already give that away.
Judging by the long white socks on the models, the shorts are clearly intended for bros. The more we think about it, maybe we should have seen this coming. Like, how different really are lace shorts from the bright pink Vineyard Vines shit we’ve been told were “fratty” for years? Is this not just an even better outfit for an entire pledge class to wear while shouting homophobic slurs at each other? They’re wearing the lace as a JOKE, guys. It’s not like they wear it underneath their clothes everyday!
All jokes about repressed sexuality aside, these are extremely concerning from a utility standpoint. The only material is some shitty lace and heinous white…briefs? Are those included with the shorts? There is literally no chance they’re covering ANYTHING, and if any guy is dumb enough to buy these he’s also probably too dumb to realize he’s flashing everyone and the FB tags will not be kind to him.
TBH, I’m pretty sure the only reason anyone is discussing these shorts is because of the guy in green. He is taking bubble butt to a whole new level and if he doesn’t have a modeling agent yet, I would like to step forward and offer my services because I think we could really go places. First stop: remove the tats. Next stop: Calvin Klein.
What will be next in douchebag fashion? We can’t be certain, but the thought is pretty terrifying at this point. We never thought we’d miss the days of Lacoste polos, ugh.
I’ve put up with a lot of shit from the male species over the years. For example, finding out that the person I’ve been Snapchat committed to all winter long proudly wears Chubbies in the summer. Or depriving myself of real happiness by actively not trying to set fire to everything a fuckboy loves when he disappears off the face of the earth after five months of dating. You know, that kind of thing. And yet I still show up to play the game on Bumble every fucking week. *takes slow, calming breath* But there are just some things I will not get behind and one of those things is RompHims. Brace yourselves, ladies, because this just in: male rompers are happening and we’ve officially hit rock bottom.
Who is responsible for this abomination, you may ask? As per usual, douchebags in pastels are to blame for this, as well as my trust issues. Apparently a group of bros “were sitting around drinking beers one evening” and came up with the idea for grown men to buy and wear rompers. To absolutely no one’s surprise, it turns out that all four of the co-founders have yet to graduate business school and this whole idea was some sort of group project gone awry.
— Desmond (@TheeDMC) May 15, 2017
Tbh that information is less alarming than this promotional video they made:
Oh, for fuck’s sake. I sincerely hope season two of 13 Reasons Why addresses this v important issue because RompHims def deserves a tape.
Okay, can we be serious for a second. Do we really think that if a guy wore this to a bar he’d get laid?
DO WE?? I want to say the answer to that question is a hard no, but I’m amazed at what I’ll do women will do when they’re white girl wasted. Literally. Though in all honesty, if some 19-year-old lacrosse player douchebag wore this shit to Houston Hall it could be a game changer.
Also, do men not realize that rompers are sabotage in its purest form when you’re out at bars? It’s all fun and beautiful Instagram pictures until you break your seal and almost publicly wet yourself trying to Houdini your way out of that shit. I mean, guys still have difficulty taking off my bra during foreplay so, like, good fucking luck with the romper, fellas.
That being said, the creators of this monstrosity do promise that unlike rompers designed for women, RompHims are “pee friendly.” Great, because the world wasn’t already pee friendly enough for men. And if that doesn’t symbolize that the patriarchy is real and thriving then Idk what does.
To make matters worse, these douchebags have already raised over $135,000 because apparently anyone can make a Kickstarter campaign these days. So basically the threat of this actually happening is very, very real. Just to put things in perspective here, that’s more money than was raised to save Raquel from a lifetime of servitude making cheese pasta. WHERE IS THE HUMANITY??
Idk about you, but I’m feeling very personally victimized rn. Like, when will the men be stopped?? What do they want to take from us next? Stay tuned for tomorrow’s story on men’s tampons.
