Curvy Wife Guy Robbie Tripp Is Human Garbage

Head Pro also loves curvy women, but he doesn’t talk about it so that makes him a cool feminist or whatever. Watch as he doesn’t talk about his love for big beautiful ladies on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

Is there anything more #inspirational than the love shared between a man and a voluptuous, pear-shaped woman? Yes. Like, literally so many things. But Robbie Trip doesn’t seem to think so, which is why last week he posted the following stupid Instagram picture:

Curvy Wife Guy

Somehow this went viral, and the normal cycle took hold: Outlets like HuffPost thought it was inspiring, and countless articles praised this man for having the temerity to be attracted to the woman he willingly married. But then as it so often does, BuzzFeed got ahold of it and ruined it. Something about the BuzzFeed article caused Twitter, the most vile website on Earth, to give Robbie the mocking he so righteously deserved.

The shift in public opinion, which happened in about the time it would take you to hungoverly stream a season of Laguna Beach, is a good example of how the internet makes things bad. We all have opinions and preferences. I, too, am not repulsed by women on the thicky-thicc end of the spectrum, for example. But when you make a point of coming out and saying so without solicitation, you’ve invited people to pick apart your statement based on its merits.

In this case, the internet correctly arrived at the opinion that making a point to express an opinion that shouldn’t be controversial isn’t heroic, it makes you an asshole. Good for you for loving your wife with her “cute little side roll”, dude. Anyone who would normally care already knew that.

But in an extremely satisfying turn of events, there’s another reason to hate Robbie (and his courageously not-stick-thin wife): they’re terrible fucking people.

Exhibit A: The rest of Robbie’s Instagram, where he posts shit like this constantly.

Robbie Tripp Instagram

“Dreamchasing” isn’t a word, bro. He has a solid 55k followers from posting shit like this, which tells me that we will absolutely deserve it when North Korea finally nukes us into oblivion.

Exhibit B: Robbie gave the worst TEDx talk in history.

Linked from his Instagram profile is a video of Robbie giving a TEDx talk, which already makes him a huge asshole. But then I found out that it’s called “Why Millennial Narcissists Are Changing The World,” and I started to get mad.

And then he opened the talk by saying “I was born in the year of our fresh prince, 1990,” and my fucking head exploded into vapor. Literally nothing about this does anything to dispel the notion that we are the worst generation.

Exhibit C: Robbie and his tremendous wife already Milkshake Ducked themselves.

If, unlike me, you don’t spend hours each day losing brain cells on Twitter and are thus unfamiliar with “milkshake duck,” it comes from the following tweet, and I am gleeful to report that it could not be more literally applicable to this situation.

Milkshake Duck

So if there’s anyone still out there who thinks Robbie (and his wife) are an inspiration, strap the fuck in:

Yeah, ol’ Rob and his wife are boilerplate Trump supporter types, it seems. There was more, but since he went viral he’s been deleting with the fury of a thousand armies. Isn’t it a little odd that a man who’s willing to accept the praise for one of his convictions (to the point where now he’s posting screenshots of positive responses) isn’t willing to stand by the rest of them?

No, it’s not odd at all, because everything is awful and these people are the worst. 

Head Pro also loves curvy women, but he doesn’t talk about it so that makes him a cool feminist or whatever. Watch as he doesn’t talk about his love for big beautiful ladies on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.

This Is What You Look Like After Exercising For 10 Minutes

We’ve all been there. One minute you’re a fat, lazy millennial who lives for carbs. The next, you’re fresh off the treadmill and ready to pound superfoods like there’s no tomorrow. Avocado in one hand, kale chia-seed matcha pudding in the other, you are a goddess of fitness. Sure, you were only on the elliptical for like ten minutes, but sometimes ten minutes is all you need to acheive your purpose in life, and your purpose in life is looking good in that red bathing suit you just got for free off Instagram. And yeah, maybe later there’s a 90% chance that you’ll black out and order Dominos, but we’re not talking about later. We’re talking about right now. And right now you are on a slow carb, raw, vegan, paleo, macro-dieting smoothie plan that is literally changing your life. Honestly, given the level of expertise you’ve attained in the past twenty minutes, you’d be doing the world a disservice if you didn’t start a fitstagram like, yesterday. The fans need to know your strategy for remaining on the treadmill, even after your favorite song ends and the hot guy you were staring at leaves the free weights. 

For those of you who recognize these post-workout feels, we’ve created a little video that helps to explain the exact circumstances that led to you packing only an avocado for lunch today and thinking that would be fine. 

 

Groundbreaking Writer Declares Pizza “Overrated”

Head Pro’s favorite things are pizza, dreaming about sex with Shay Mitchell, and when you email him at [email protected].

The problem with self-proclaimed “unpopular opinions” is that they’re not unpopular because, as their writers smugly believe, they’re HARSH TRUTHS that no one has the balls to admit. Instead, they’re unpopular for a very simple reason: they’re usually dumb and bad.

Take, for instance, this bone-headed take on pizza penned by Late Late Show writer Eliza Skinner in Refinery29, a publication that’s the literary equivalent of a high school sophomore trying to have a legitimate discussion with adults about global economic policies. She (wait for it)… DOESN’T LIKE PIZZA!! Which is fine, though it doesn’t warrant an entirely too-long screed that I’m not convinced is satirical, but I’m also not convinced isn’t. See if you can see what I mean.

“Yeah, that’s right — I don’t like pizza. I don’t like kids either. Dogs I like, but at this point I assume you’ve already clicked away from this article, muttering; “What an asshole. Pizza is the most overrated food since sliced bread.”

So edgy! “I have some incredibly conventional opinions held by many people my age, but let me hit you with a HARSH TRUTH: Pizza—not that good!” How do you accurately “rate” a food, anyway, especially against other foods that are not it? Good pizza is good. Duck confit is also good. Were I starving in a desert, dog food would probably be pretty swell too. Saying any one food is “overrated” is nonsense.

“Essentially, it is just melted cheese on bread with some tomato sauce in-between.”

This is an argument for, not against, pizza. This is why it’s the perfect junk food, it’s combination of salt and fat and carbs flip all the switches in our lizard brains. I know I shouldn’t eat it all the time, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t if I could.

“Nothing wrong with that. But everywhere you look someone is LOSING THEIR SHIT about pizza—pizza clothes, pizza tattoos, pizza home decor! Pizza has become an identity. I’ve seen more than one online dating profile that listed “pizza” under personality.”

Alright, this is a legitimate discussion I’ve had with Sgt. Olivia Betchson (god, that is so much dumber when I type it out). The meme-ification of pizza is annoying. Every other Instagram post is some iteration of “tfw your friends want you to go out but pizza is bae.”

 

A photo posted by Head Pro (@betchesheadpro) on

This has 6 more likes than it should, and I apologize.

But the problem is, pizza is a useful tool in these dumb memes because of what it represents: as opposed to the other 50% of instagram, which is people deliberately people showing off how hawt and sexxxy they are, it’s the opposite. People use it to poke fun at themselves by saying “hey, I’m not working out, I’m in my pajamas watching SVU marathons and eating food that someone brought to my door!” It’s annoying, but your problem is not with pizza. Your problem is with the assholes who turned it into a symbol of frivolous, intentionally-delayed adulthood.

“How much do you know about the APC? The American Pizza Community? It’s the pizza lobby… The APC has done a lot of strategizing to help make pizza popular and easily accessible. They lobbied to get pizza counted as a vegetable in school lunches… Mitt Romney received $110,807 from the APC. Mitch McConnell got $20,350. PIZZA IS REPUBLICAN.”

Inserting politics into places where they otherwise don’t make sense is a great way to accumulate friends, and I recommend doing it often. But I have news for you: anything that can be commodified and profited from is going to “be republican,” because they tend to favor business-friendly economic policies. Again, your problem is not with pizza, a foodstuff. Your problem is with BIG PIZZA. Buy local, or make your own (it’s stupefyingly easy) if you don’t like that.

“I sound like a hateful old gluten- and lactose-intolerant bitch! And you know what? I am.”

Wait, why the fuck are we here, then? The slim odds of her being both of those things aside, why are you complaining at length about a food you evidently can’t eat? That’s like me saying sex with Shay Mitchell is “overrated.”

Now, strap in to get fucked up…

“I work in TV, which means I’m often on sets full of hardworking people who need to be fed quickly and cheaply, and pizza is always the easy answer… What bothers me is the actresses. The same job that asks actresses to give in to unreasonable societal beauty standards also regularly asks them to smile and say thank you for pizza… But having a problem with pizza might make an actress seem difficult. Don’t be difficult! You should be fun! Pizza is fun!”

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KABOOOOOOOOMMMM PIZZA IS UNFEMINIST!!!!! Like, I kind of get this? No one enjoys being the person in the office who, on pizza day, skulks away to go heat up their Lean Cuisine—you will get a comment or two from people who take your mindful choices as an unspoken commentary on their own, poor choices.

But also, I’m an adult who, should I elect to not partake in the free pizza, can afford to make the choice to bring something other than not pizza. So is, presumably, a working actress. You wanna insert some intersectional feminism in there? Fine, have at it. But again, if you’re blaming an innocuous foodstuff for so many of your woes, you don’t need internet column space. You need a therapist.

Head Pro’s favorite things are pizza, dreaming about sex with Shay Mitchell, and when you email him at [email protected].