Every single thing in our lives has turned upside down in the past few years, and 2019 isn’t promising to be any different. Hell has frozen over and we are going to be tuning into Fox News. No, not to hate watch, but to actually learn something. The movie centering around the Roger Ailes scandal is in production and I never thought I’d say this but it’s making Fox News look glamorous.
Basically it covers the 20 year reign of Ailes as the head of the network and all the shady sh*t he did. What sort of shady sh*t? Oh you know just the sort of shady sh*t men in power seem to always end up doing: sexual harassment. But a movie simply about Ailes isn’t what is worth getting excited about. No. What is bringing my butt to the box office is yet another incredible wig donned by Nicole Kidman who plays Gretchen Carlson. (The other wig I am referring to is, of course, Kidman’s Big Little Lies hairpiece.)
We’re tuning into Fox News next fall, ladies! pic.twitter.com/biMpeg9ZQH
— ilich (@theReal_ilich) December 10, 2018
Kidman is joined by Charlize Theron who will play Megyn Kelly and Margot Robbie as an associate producer at Fox. This is what I’ve always dreamed of- an ensemble film filled with ice queens and terrible politics. Russell Crowe is apparently on board to play Ailes, which feels a little to gracious considering Russell Crowe is like, an attractive older man, and Roger Ailes famously looked like hamburger meat that had been left in the Sun. We will have to wait to see who will play Bill O’Reilly and Rupert Murdoch, but maybe Satan himself is free and looking for screen time?
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If the red carpet segment of the Academy Awards got its own spin-off show with even more paparazzi and less Ryan Seacrest commentary, it would be the Met Gala. The Met Gala, thrown at the Met in New York (obviously), is the one time of year where every A-list guest can act like they give a shit about Anna Wintour and no one can say anything about it. A-List celebs are always invited, but along with your Rihannas and your Kardashians and your Beyoncés (conspicuously absent this year, actually) some people get through Met security that are just so fucking random. Every year there’s bound to be at least one Met Gala guest who shows up tragically underdressed and whom you have to stare at for like, five full minutes before you say, “Wait is that Glen Coco?” Here’s the definitive ranking of the most random guests that somehow made the cut this year:
8. Paris Jackson
People keep telling me that Paris Jackson is an actress and a model, but I’ve yet to see any evidence of this. Does being Michael Jackson’s daughter just mean you’re an actress? What roles has she played? Her IMDB literally has one entry, and it is for a show that has yet to be released that I’ve never heard of called Star, and she is not even the star. I feel like that’s the equivalent of writing “entrepreneur” on your resume when you’re really just unemployed. Is this person famous? Apparently she did one campaign for Chanel in March, but like, if that’s the standard for getting into the Met Gala shouldn’t every ANTM winner also be present?
7. Courtney Love
Hard to imagine someone less suited for a classy A-List event than Courtney Love, but here we are. Love got to hitch a ride to the Met Gala on the coattails of her daughter, Frances Bean (name brought to you by heroin addiction), who is apparently modeling for Marc Jacobs now. Honestly, I’m kind of happy Courtney was there, if only as a reminder that she is still alive. I mean, her face looks like she’s been stung by a thousand bees, but she walked the red carpet and kissed her daughter on the mouth and stuff so she appears to be in good spirits. Funny how she could never score an invite to the gala when she was like, relevant.
6. Solange Knowles
A BIT confused why Solange attended this event sans Beyoncé. Look, Solange is cool and all. “Don’t Touch My Hair” is a good song. “Cranes In The Sky” WAS a good song before every radio station stabbed it to death and then stomped over its corpse, burned it, and smoked the ashes. Anyway, Solange had a cool wedding where she wore a cool white cape thing. It was funny when she punched Jay Z in the elevator, and after Lemonade it’s even more so. But when I’m sitting at home
waiting hoping for a doubly pregnant Beyoncé to get carried in by a hoard of male models while angels surround her, having to watch Solange walk the red carpet in her Old Navy winter coat just feels rude.
5. Hailee Steinfeld
Ugh, WHO let this girl in the door? I mean, she stepped up her game at Coachella the other weekend by managing not to look like a 13-year-old playing dress-up, but we’re still kinda confused as to what the hype is with this girl. We get that she was nominated for an Oscar, but that was seven years ago. And she didn’t even win. Is it her voice? Because if I hear another “Starving” mash-up come on in the middle of a SoulCycle class I’ll literally leave, my $34 be damned.
4. Ansel Elgort
Oh great, Augustus Waters is here for a little TBT action. Seriously, this guy totally blew up when Fault in Our Stars came out a couple years ago, but then everyone forgot about him, so why did he get invited to this event? Like, yeah he’s good-looking, but is that all you need for a Met Gala invite these days? Does Anna Wintour even know who you are? Seriously. Raise your hand if you didn’t quite remember who this was until I said he was in Fault In Our Stars. Be honest.
3. Megyn Kelly
Megyn Kelly might be a major boss in terms of TV journalists, but let’s be real—she doesn’t even go here. The Met Gala’s guest is probably divided into 40 percent Hollywood actors, 30 percent singers, 20 percent models, and then like, 10 percent “others,” and Megyn def went in the last category. Maybe she wants to get more screen time to help her go to war against Kelly Ripa? Either way, this dress looks like she got it from Sears.
2. Jaden Smith
Oh no, NOT Jaden Smith. Can we stop trying to make the Smith children happen, please? This is the kid who said “How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real.” How long are we going to continue to enable this child? Like, yes he’s family friends with Kendall and Kylie but Kendall and Kylie at least know how to behave (kind of). This kid brought his own human hair with him as an accessory. Dude shows up with a literal bouquet of his own dreadlocks and we’re just gonna be like, “Sure, keep being famous! you’re doing great!” No. We should have shut this shit down when he wore a white Batman suit to Kim and Kanye’s wedding. Now we have to live with the consequences.
1. The Winklevoss Twins
Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss are those twins from The Social Network who say the word Harvard six times per sentence and are still super bitter about Zuckerberg “stealing” their idea. Only, the twins at the Met Gala were the real Winklevi and not even the cleverly edited ones played by Armie Hammer, so we’re doubly confused. I mean, where do we even start with this invite? Did they just send in an envelope of cash and threaten to sue if they didn’t get invited? Plus, why do they even want to be there? For a selfie with Karlie Kloss?