I’m just gonna come out and say it. This season of Real Housewives of Orange County has blown balls (but not Lydia’s husband’s, though, because he “got them chopped off.” Just ask her or watch like, 4 minutes of an episode). I can’t care anymore about whether or not Vicki and Tamra will make up or whether or not Peggy is going to understand anything anyone is saying or whether or not Lydia is going to pray over someone. I just can’t. The highlight of the season was Shannon not being able to disengage from her Peloton which was hysterical but not exactly what I expect to top the list of moments on Real Housewives. So thankfully, right in time for Thanksgiving I might add, the reunion started last night. I mean, if Andy Cohen asking shady af questions to overdressed women on couches rehashing all the shit they talked about each other doesn’t top your list of things to be grateful for, I don’t know what does. Fuck the mashed potatoes. You have some soul searching to do. And to celebrate the genius that is these reunions, we’re ranking the ‘wives by the one who sucked the most last night to the one that sucked the least. Let’s get to it.

7. Peggy Sulahian

Peggy just sat there. Tbh, I don’t remember her saying a word other than the awkward “Hi, Andy” at the beginning. This is your first (and probs last) reunion, Peggy. Fucking say something.

6. Lydia McLaughlin

Could this girl be more annoying? She’s like the Taylor Swift of Bravo. Constantly being a petty brat and talking shit about people, but always claiming to be the nice girl victim. Fucking vom. From her defending calling Shannon a psychopath because it was “to her face” to her not being able to be around drag queens because there isn’t a verse about them in the Bible (wtf?), it’s gonna be a hard pass on Lydia from me. Also, the whole “game friggin’ on” line she threw at Meghan in an attempt to be a badass was an epic fail.

5. Vicki Gunvalson

Even though she looked like a total asshole all season long, Vicki was able to somewhat redeem herself by actually apologizing to Shannon for telling the world her husband beat her. But like, this is a reunion, not an episode of Barney & Friends. Where tf are the slanderous allegations and inaudible screaming? You’re the OG of the OC. Give the people what they want.

4. Kelly Dodd

I wish there was an award for most improved Housewife, because Kelly Dodd would win. I mean, last season Kelly was good for TV and all, but she was a fucking head case. You can’t call someone a cunt at the dinner table. You just can’t. But all that said, come reunion time I missed old Kelly. I need drama. I need name-calling. I need the outing of secrets we were never supposed to know, but now we know because you’re pissed someone was mean to you on the bus in Ireland. She talked about her divorce, and I’m super pumped to see single Kelly next season, but I just expected more from the resident BSCB housewife.

3. Meghan King Edmonds

Meghan takes a spot in the top three, because she’s the only one who remembered that this is a fucking Bravo reunion and not a time to bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles that everyone can eat and be happy. She came to play. Did she totally start a fight with Lydia about not liking psychics out of nowhere for no reason? She sure did. And guess what? I’m fucking here for it. Because this is the Real Housewives of Orange County. Fucking argue about something insignificant and stop crying.

2. Tamra Judge

First things first. Tamra looks fucking hot. How is she 50? Who is her plastic surgeon? If I exercise, will I look like her in 25 years? Tamra, please DM me the answers to these questions. Thanks. Tamra’s biggest moment of reunion was talking about the state of things with her daughter, which apparently isn’t going so well. It actually made me feel real feelings, which was weird, but I was also finishing my fourth glass of wine at that point so maybe that explains it. Even though her main segment was depressing af she gets a high ranking for a) looking awesome and b) calling Shannon out for being a buzzkill all season long. That’s what real friends do, people.

Also, for the record. This ^ is what reunions are supposed to look like.

1. Shannon Beador

Shannon was clearly the star of last night’s reunion because it’s the first time she publicly spoke about her divorce from David, and most of the women didn’t know, so it was a bombshell. Was it a little teary/sad for my personal taste? Yes. But she did exactly what she needed to do. She took total responsibility for everything bad she did all season but managed to blame it on her crumbling marriage with her shitty fuckboy husband. Now, not only did she get the sympathy of America, she also put herself in a position where none of the women can come for her without looking like total assholes who are picking on the sad fat girl. We played, my friend. She also gets bonus points for losing 25 pounds in time for the reunion. Mazel!

Housewives… they’re just like us! And by “like us,”  I mean that they resort to posting shit on Instagram to fix all of life’s problems. I guess it doesn’t matter how old you are. A long, rambling caption filled with emojis about how much you love your significant other can really heal all wounds—just ask Meghan King Edmonds.

On the most recent Real Housewives of Orange County, Kelly Dodd and Meghan King Edmonds both accused each other of being shady bitches and cheating on their respective partners, via text message, obvs. Because no Housewives fight is legitimate until at least one of the participants takes it to one of the various talk shows about reality TV, Kelly went to E!’s Daily Pop to get more attention explain what happened.

Kelly was basically like, “Meghan is so boring. And I didn’t even bring up the rumors about her affair. Like, I really didn’t. Well, I guess I am now.” Or, if you’re looking for the video footage:

This is literally the most boring Housewives drama I’ve heard since RHONY spent almost an entire season on Ramona and Sonja fighting over rooms on cast trips. Yawn. At least you’ve gotta give Kelly points for trying to drag a bitchy text message into a full-on plot line. Homegirl’s going through a divorce, so she probably has a book or something coming out that she’s trying to start up some publicity for.

Meghan responded the way any college sophomore who had a random girl in her sorority try to tell her that her boyfriend has been cheating on her would. (Even though, technically she was the one accused of cheating, if you’re following this. Kelly said Meghan was her husband’s mistress and destroyed his second marriage.) Anyway, Meghan posted a cheesy wedding anniversary post about how great her relationship is with her husband, mentioning that they both totally forgot it was their anniversary because they’re like so in love. Ugh, spare me.

Someone needs to hold this woman to a strict emoji limit; this looks like what one of my stay-at-home-mom friends posts on Facebook to advertise her MLM scheme small business. E! reported that “a source” (aka, probably a direct email from Meghan’s personal account) denies Kelly’s claims, as one does. Meghan’s husband also spoke to E! to call the claims “ridiculous”, because clearly these two grown-ass women can’t fight their own battles. That they started. I know, too much logic. 

Meghan and Kelly are shockingly no longer friends, and Meghan previously told Daily Pop that it was going to be an interesting reunion, which, it better be. The reunion airs Monday at 9pm, so like, check back in Tuesday.

A couple weeks ago, we broke the earth shattering news that Vicki Gunvalson, the OG from the OC, was reportedly getting fired from Real Housewives of Orange County because 1) she’s not friends with anyone on the show anymore, and it’s weird just watching her be alone in her kitchen, and 2) she pitched a fit about not sitting next to Andy at a WWHL taping, and the peeps at Bravo weren’t fucking having it. Lol, it’s the little things, people. Well, there hasn’t been an official announcement yet, and don’t expect one, because the season isn’t over, and Bravo doesn’t make cast change announcements until after the last reunion has aired. The rules of housewife firing are simple and finite; every Bravo girl would know. But we have something better than a boring PC official statement. Meghan King Edmonds, Vicki’s fellow OC wife, has come out saying she hopes Vicki actually gets fired. Oh fuck, shit’s about to get serious.

In a recent interview, Meghan was talking the standard housewife shit about Vicki and said how Vicki never liked her and was always “nasty” to her from the get-go, yada yada yada. But then, in a petty af turn, said, ‘‘’You’re out!’ If only I could say that… ‘Vicki, you are out. Bye! No more lies. See ya!’” Was she joking? I mean, probs. But most of the time when I joke around, I actually fucking mean it. Or else I wouldn’t have thought it in the first place. Obviously.

Normally, this kind of thing would just die down, maybe get a salty response from Vicki on Radar Online, nothing maj. But Vicki and Meghan have been subtweeting the shit out of each other—actually, scratch that. They’re mentioning each other by name, so they’re full-out beefing on Twitter.

Now things might actually get interesting, because they’re filming the reunion today. Something I’m truly thrilled about, just FYI. And you can bet your betchy ass that Andy will bring this shit up to try and stir the pot to create some form of drama on this otherwise boring af season. Get the popcorn and rosé ready.

Later this week—so like, tomorrow—Andy Cohen is heading out to OC to film the reunion for Real Housewives of Orange County. Normally, this makes me sad, because it means the season is almost over, but in this case, I’m stoked, because this year has truly sucked. I have no more fucks to give about whether or not Vicki and Tamra will be friends and whether or not Lydia will mention her husband’s balls again. I just can’t. I’m also happy about the end of this season, because it makes room for the real queens of Cali aka the Bev Hills wives. Fucking duh. Also, total side note, but where tf is the trailer for that, Andy?! It’s almost November, for fuck’s sake. But anyway, in honor of the upcoming finale in OC, we’ve ranked all of this season’s wives by betchiness. Tbh, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, because all of these women are hella busted. But I did my due diligence.

7. Vicki Gunvalson

Tbh, Vicki probs falls at the bottom of the list for housewives across all cities of all time. There. I said it. BE BOLD! She cries about not having friends, she doesn’t own her shit when she’s a dick to people, she dated a dude who faked cancer, and, like, complained to a child about how mean the girls are to her at his parents’ anniversary party. You’re fucking 60. Who does that? She owns her own business, which is cool and all, but she never shuts up about it, because she secretly wishes she could shop and lunch and exercise all day and still be rich af like all her friends.

6. Shannon Beador

Poor Shannon… This has really not been her year. Her husband is back to being a little fuckboy, and she’s put on some weight, and while it’s super not betchy, literally every single person can relate. Who can say she’s never had a fuckboy treat her like shit and followed that pain up with a Papa John’s binge session? No one. Unless you’re a fucking liar. And while I feel for Shan, I really do, she’s got to stop complaining and fucking do something about it. Tell your loser husband to suck it and head to SoulCycle. Brb, making that my Twitter bio.

5. Lydia McLaughlin

In full disclosure, I think Lydia is the fucking worst. But as a non-biased professional journalist, even I have to admit she has some betchy qualities. She and her husband own a magazine, which is cool, and she has amazing mermaid hair, but that’s it. She’s a nice girl, which y’all know I can’t fucking stand, and she doesn’t like belly dancers or drag queens. Wtf is dis bish doing on a Bravo show? Like, isn’t there something on the Hallmark Channel you could audition for? Plus, anyone whose tagline is “If you can’t take my sparkle then stay off my rainbow” is not a betch.

4. Peggy Sulahian

I also can’t with Peggy. Her talking about sports cars all the time and shit… Like, no one fucking cares. But she and her fam appear to be really rich, and she’s really pretty and thin, which are all super betchy qualities, so she finds herself somewhere in the middle of the pack. Plus, there was that whole scandal where she apparently wouldn’t let her brother come to their dad’s funeral because he’s gay, which would make her a mega-bigot asshole, but now she’s  come out saying that’s not true, and she loves the LBGTQ community and other shit I’m not sure if I believe, but innocent until proven guilty I suppose. I’m sure Andy will give her shit at the reunion about it either way.

3. Kelly Dodd

I feel like a bunch of y’all are gonna lose your shit at me over this, but this is my list, so IDGAF. Hear me out. Sure, she’s a BSCB who, like, calls people cunts in the middle of family-friendly restaurants. But she also calls people out on their shit, which I can appreciate. You act like a snobby bitch at a party? Prepare for your deepest secret to be outed on national television. You try and get her tequila wasted and make an ass of herself in Ireland? Prepare to die on a bus. Maybe y’all should all just stop being assholes. What a concept.

2. Meghan King Edmonds

Meghan is the only housewife on this show who is even remotely normal. Like, we could maybe hang out. Maybe. She’s not a total nice girl, but also doesn’t totally suck either, which is kinda of refreshing given the rest of the cast is like the meanest group of women alive. She’s married to a ex-pro athlete, and her kitchen island is #goals. Sorry, I’m in my mid-20s, and that kind of shit is important to me now. Sue me. She’s also really skinny even though she gave birth like 5 seconds ago, which is something I truly admire.

1. Tamra Judge

Last year, Tamra was getting ready for a fitness competition, meaning she was in the running for my least favorite person on Bravo. People who won’t shut up about diet and exercise are my legit archnemeses. But anyway, this season she’s still working out and shit, but she doesn’t talk about it that much, thank god. She’s friends with most everyone in the group, except Vicki of course, but the OG from the OC is practically begging to be in her good graces again, so Tamra is the new HBIC. Congrats, girl.