In what is undoubtedly the most extra engagement announcement of 2017, some doctor is marrying her medical degree after nine beautiful years together. You know how when you’re in college, there’s always that one friend who pretends she’s married to her studies because she barely has time to curl her hair, let alone go on a date with some fuckboy with too much hair gel and a Sperrys addiction? This is basically that, but after the dial has been turned up so far it broke off. I get that med students are constitutionally incapable of chilling out, but did nobody think to tell her that spending $3,000 on a fake wedding when you’ve got loans to pay is borderline insane?
Honestly, she has gone all the fucking way with this one, to the point where it’s almost admirable. Not only did this chick have an engagement-style photo shoot with her diploma, but she created an elaborate “graduwedding” page on The Knot, complete with guest book and registry. According to the webpage, there will be speeches. Cake. Formal attire. A themed Snapchat filter, which is hopelessly lame but I guess you can’t expect people who’ve lived and breathed medical textbooks for the last decade to understand the nuances of social media. I’m not sure if there’s a hashtag, but there probably is, and I would bet my life savings it’s a pun so bad my dad wouldn’t even make it.
Normally I would never condone this kind of behavior—fake engagements stopped being funny after that guy married a burrito. In fact, I would like it on the record that the very fact that I had to type that sentence means we’ve gone too far. Everyone gets it: Engagement season sucks, we place too much value on relationships, blah blah blah. I just fail to see how pretending to marry your dog or a fucking diploma accomplishes anything except annoying everyone on your Facebook feed.
However, I’m prepared to make an exception in this case. Instead of staging some half-assed photoshoot with a diploma and calling it a day, the future Mrs. M.D. is spending thousands of dollars and rounding up dozens of friends and family for a party to celebrate her own damn self. It’s the kind self-absorption I have no choice but to respect. However, even if I’m on my deathbed I will never let this woman treat me, considering she prioritized planning an elaborate party just for the purposes of going internet viral over like, studying for med school and shit. I hope FAFSA sees this.
Anyway, I believe I’m forced to offer my congratulations to the happy couple. May they have many happy years together, etc. etc. But so help me God, if I see another fake wedding go viral I’m going to do something drastic like delete my Instagram.