What To Eat Before Going Out So You Don’t Bloat Or Die

Does bloating ruin you day, your evening, and your life in general? Do you often try to be a responsible adult and attempt to eat before binge drinking, only to find that your meal has sabotaged you into looking like a beached whale? Lucky for you, we’ve rounded up the top 7 foods to eat before you head out drinking to AVOID the muffin top spillover and bubbly stomach that results from a bloated belly, so you can still rock that deep-V onesie. HOWEVER, these foods are still substantial enough so you won’t end the night face-down in a stranger’s toilet. Anyone who’s ever tried to take shots after only eating salad for dinner can relate. We just saved your life. You’re welcome.

1. Salmon

Blah blah blah drinking is bad and can deplete your body of vitamins. So have a piece of grilled or roasted salmon before heading out which will keep you fuller, help prevent a terrible hangover, and keep the bloat at bay.

Beyonce Praise

2. Avocado

The avocado, the fruit we associate most with worship, is a great choice to prevent not being able to button your pants. Since it’s full of healthy fats and digested more slowly than carbs, it’ll keep you full without adding inches. So, whip up some fucking guacamole and have at it with like, not chips … which will bloat you.

3. Eggs

Full of protein like literally everything else on this list, whipping up an omelet is a legit choice for your night on the town. Eggs are also full of cysteine, which, according to the internet, is an amino acid that gives your liver a boost, which, obviously, you’re gonna need.

Jax Taylor

4. Chicken

Kind of random, but munching on a piece of grilled chicken before seeing how many shots you can take will take longer to digest (keeping you full), is lean protein (keeping you skinny), and will help curb some of the hangover pain tomorrow. Just make sure we’re not dealing with breaded or fried chicken … that’d be silly.

5. Hummus With Cucumbers

It doesn’t get more basic bitch than this, but your skinny stomach will thank you. Hummus is chock full of vitamins and protein, which will keep you full i.e. when you’re blackout you won’t crave a burrito bowl quite as hard. The tahini in the hummus can also help prevent hangovers, so win. Why cucumbers? Because they’re literally full of water and are one of the best things to help you stay hydrated AND non-bloaty.

Hummus

6. Very Specific Fruit Salad

So we need to be fucking specific on this one. Make yourself a fruit salad with kiwi, honeydew melon, and bananas. The bananas have potassium and will help prevent a hangover. The melon is a diuretic and helps flush excess water from your system while working to replace electrolytes. Lastly, the kiwi will help you shit (honestly yah) which always makes us feel skinnier.

7. Kefir Yogurt

If you’re in the mood for a parfait, use kefir yogurt as your base. It’s tangy, thinner than your typical Greek variety, and helps break down lactose which can cause bloating and stomach pain. Throw some nuts and honey on top and you’re ready to take shots.

Raquel’s Famous Cheese Pasta, Revamped

After Corinne’s revelation that “no one can make cheese pasta like Raquelle/Raquel,” and the subsequent release of her much anticipated cheese pasta recipe here, we decided we needed to revamp it.

I mean, I’m sure shredded cheddar and cooked white pasta taste, um, great, but we have fancy palates meant for Champagne, oysters, and vodka.

Because we love you and want you to have a fancy and non-nutritious dinner during The Bachelor tonight, here’s our fancy version of Raquel’s famous cheese pasta.

Ingredients

 

Cook your fucking pasta which, like, we shouldn’t have to give you a play-by-play on how to do unless apparently you’re Corinne. Drain that shit and set the pasta aside.  Grab the same pot you just cooked the pasta in and melt the butter over medium heat.

In a separate bowl, whisk together the egg yolk, evaporated milk, salt, and pepper. Reduce the heat under your pot to low and pour in the milk and egg mixture. Stir that shit, then add in all of your cheese—stirring continuously until the mixture is smooth.

Add in your drained pasta and stir. Spoon into a bowl and top with extra black pepper if you like.

This goes great with subpar TV shows and a nice full-bodied red.