In general, I think us normal people assume that a lot of celebrities aren’t used to doing things for themselves. From drivers, to household staff, to stylists, there are a lot of people you can pay to make your life easier. On the most recent episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, the main drama was whether they should have chefs at the house on Christmas morning. But even knowing everything I know, I’ve always operated under the assumption that even the most out-of-touch celebs have like, the bare minimum of life skills needed to make it on their own.
But that assumption was put to the test on Tuesday, when I read GQ’s new profile of Robert Pattinson. From the title, “Robert Pattinson: A Dispatch From Isolation”, you’d think R-Patz is quarantining on the moon or something, but he’s actually chillin with his girlfriend in London. Specifically, he’s staying in an apartment paid for by production on The Batman, which he was in the middle of filming when the whole world shut down. He’s also still eating food provided by production, though Zach Baron writes, “the other day he got nervous, that they might just stop or forget” to deliver the food.
Wait, what? The apartment makes sense, but does Robert Pattinson not know how to go to a grocery store? Or how to work the Postmates app? We’ve been doing this whole quarantine sh*t for two months now, so I’m a little concerned if Robert Pattinson really hasn’t gotten his own food even once.
But given what he says about food later in the profile, maybe this isn’t far from the truth. In the interview, Pattinson tells Baron, “Yesterday I was just googling, I was going on YouTube to see how to microwave pasta.” Reader, when I tell you this stopped me dead in my tracks. I just… Thankfully, Baron said what we were all thinking: “That’s not a thing.”
You’d think that’s exactly what R-Patz would’ve found upon a quick Google search, but apparently he was determined to try instant spaghetti. “Put it in a bowl and microwave it. That is how to microwave pasta.” Who knew! He continued, “And also it really, really isn’t a thing. It’s really actually quite revolting. But I mean, who would have thought that it actually makes it taste disgusting?”
Me. I would have thought that. And you know who else? All of us. I’m no star chef—the only thing that gets me interested in cooking is Twitter drama—but even I know damn well that you cannot make pasta in the microwave. (If you could, I would have been doing this for years now.) Personally, I’m upset that the GQ profile doesn’t include a photo of Robert’s microwaved monstrosity, because I’m not even sure what that would look like. Did he just microwave dry pasta? Was there sauce? Obviously, it would be bad no matter what, but I really need more details. Maybe Robert should hang out with Charli from Vanderpump Rules, who insists she had never tried pasta until a recent trip to Olive Garden. *shudders*
But if you thought all that was strange, then buckle the f*ck up, because the microwaved pasta comes up again later in the profile. Pattinson tells Baron about a business idea he has: a fast-food restaurant that serves a handheld version of pasta. If you’re having a hard time picturing that, same. But R-Patz has it all figured out. He even had a meeting about it last year with a major LA restauranteur, but things didn’t pan out. He calls his food creation “Piccolini Cuscino” or “Little Pillow,” and he attempted to cook one for Baron over Zoom, as a way of hopefully sparking interest in his business. Yeah… sh*t is about to get weird.
First, it’s important to note that R-Patz went to the store for the ingredients. So he *does* know how to buy groceries for himself. Glad we cleared that up. So, how do you make this “little pillow”? As Pattinson says, “Obviously, first things first, you gotta microwave the pasta.” Obviously. Yup, we’re still doing that. After putting dry penne and water in the microwave for eight minutes, he makes a bed of foil, and covers it with sugar and then sliced cheese. (Don’t ask about the sugar, I don’t know either.) Oh, and he forgets that there were supposed to be breadcrumbs under there, so he substitutes the bread crumbs for Corn Flakes. Then he adds some sauce (“Like a tomato sauce?” Baron asks. “Just any sauce,” Pattinson replies), and after that, the microwaved pasta goes on top. Then, it gets topped off with the top half of a bun, which Pattinson burns the initials PC into with a lighter, melting part of his latex glove in the process. From there, you wrap up the foil and put it all in the oven.
Honestly, I have no idea what I just described, and neither does Robert Pattinson, clearly. Aside from forgetting or messing up multiple steps, he asks Baron if you can put foil in an oven. Baron tells him yes, but NOT the microwave, but Pattinson doesn’t seem to know the difference. Of course, his nice rental kitchen has multiple appliances to choose from, and he doesn’t know what any of them do. He ends up choosing something that he claims is an oven, but Baron really thinks is a microwave, and here’s what happens:
“Proudly he is walking back toward the counter that his phone is on when, behind him, a lightning bolt erupts from the oven/microwave, and Pattinson ducks like someone outside has opened fire. He’s giggling and crouching as the oven throws off stray flickers of light and sound.” He is one weird dude.
That whole pasta debacle left me speechless, and I really hope he doesn’t try to make any more culinary creations, for his own safety. But I’m not sure his regular quarantine meal schedule sounds much better. He tells GQ that he’s on a meal plan for The Batman right now, so what he eats is pretty limited. “I’ll have oatmeal with, like, vanilla protein powder on it. And I will barely even mix it up. It’s extraordinarily easy. Like, I eat out of cans and stuff. I’ll literally put Tabasco inside a tuna can and just eat it out of the can.”
Lord, give me the strength not to throw up right now. First of all, not mixing the protein powder into the oatmeal is psychotic. Like, you already have a spoon right there, just stir it around! But the Tabasco-in-a-tuna-can situation is f*cking revolting. I’m not a canned tuna person in the first place (it always makes me think of Jessica Simpson), and this just put me over the edge. I’m not saying my quarantine meal situation has been ideal, but at least I haven’t been eating out of a can.
I know we’re all doing our best to make it through this quarantine in one piece, but please, for the love of god, take the time to boil water if you’re eating pasta. I’m not going to judge anyone for not learning a second language or becoming a yoga expert during this time, but not trying microwaved pasta is an extremely low bar for self-care. Oh, and I hope this goes without saying, but DON’T put foil in the microwave.
Images: Denis Makarenko / Shutterstock.com
Whenever I tell someone I’m in the fitness industry, I always get a lot of questions about what a personal trainer eats. Because of my background, I think people assume I’m always very uptight about food, which I am, to an extent. I think that it’s very important for everyone to put quality nutrition into their bodies. Like, if you drove a Lambo would you fill it up with anything less than premium gas? No. However, I am SO FAR from being super restrictive about food, and I take the same approach to my clients. Because I used to have such a shaky history with food in my middle and high school years, I am very aware of the effect tracking numbers (like calories) can have on someone’s mental health, so this might surprise you, but I don’t preach tracking calories or macros. I focus a lot of my nutrition counseling on actually deprogramming clients that have been on restrictive diets for forever to learn to think for themselves. A lot of people spend forever following food rules that when they don’t have guidelines, they’re completely lost. I hope that by sharing what I actually eat in a day, and why, this gives a more valuable example of what it means to eat “clean,” without the need for extra validation from a food tracker.
Pre-workout: A mug of warm water with lime and 2 scoops (I think it’s equivalent to a teaspoon?) inulin powder (an artichoke root fiber powder), 2 long espresso shots. So the espresso shots are self-explanatory, but the inulin powder is something that I’m recently trying out to add more fiber to my diet. I’ve been taking 4 scoops a day for about 2 months now, and the verdict is still out. It’s very meh. It’s not doing any harm, but I’m also not sure if it’s doing any noticeable good. I’ll be sure to update you guys if I think it’s a miracle maker.
Post-workout breakfast: 2 breakfast turkey links, 2 hard-boiled eggs with a lot of hot sauce (I prefer Crystal Louisiana hot sauce), 1 cup seedless grapes. So you’ll see that I worked out on an empty stomach. I do this because I like my body’s mechanisms to be focused on the workout and not digesting food. I also do this because working out on an empty stomach allows your body to more rapidly tap into fat stores to convert it into energy due to depleted glycogen (sugar/carb) stores. I try to make sure the post-workout meal is super high in protein.
Lunch: 8 oz. chicken breast, well-seasoned and baked in the oven for 30 minutes at 350, 1.5 cups broccoli (I cook it in boiling water for approximately 5 minutes, or until soft), 1/2 avocado, more hot sauce. I try to make sure my plates are protein, vegetables, and fat because this formula is the one that I’ve found keeps me full without weighing me down. Avocado is my go-to good fat or olive oil dressing on salads. HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING, ALWAYS.
Snack: 1 cup grapes, 2 date bites (I put pitted Medjool dates in the food processor, roll them into little balls, sprinkle a little salt on top, and refrigerate), 1 tbsp extra protein peanut butter, 2 more shots espresso. I’m big on grapes and dates because I have such a sweet tooth. The biggest set up for failure is ignoring your persistent cravings. The only way things will be sustainable for life is if you find healthy ways to indulge. What I’ve noticed is that once you start eating right, though, your cravings are rarely that severe, and your healthy alternatives will start to satisfy you more than junk food.
If you want to cut back preparation time while making butternut squash linguine with fried sage, just buy some Doritos and get tf over yourself, Heather.
— ??????????? (@kayyorkcity) March 3, 2019
Dinner: 2 glasses white wine, 1 bell pepper stuffed with ground turkey and topped with guacamole, salsa, and labneh (I prefer this a million times over sour cream. It’s got a richer taste plus it’s a fantastic probiotic), a Chloe’s fruit popsicle. 4 or 5 nights of the week I’ll have one or two glasses white wine with dinner, so yea I guess you could say I’m a moderate drinker? But this is my way of balancing everything. I don’t even see this as an indulgence, it’s just something that I do that works for me. I enjoy wine, I drink so if I were to try to cut alcohol out, it probably would not gonna stay that way for long. Again, protein from the turkey, fiber from the bell pepper, and fat from guacamole and labneh (which is like a mediterranean version of sour cream, very similar to greek yogurt).
Before bed: Green tea with 2 scoops inulin. Time to unwind! I don’t drink tea every night, some times it’s more hot water with lime. But I like this simply because it kind of sets the tone for bed.
Clearly, ya girl is a carnivore. This is typically my menu all Monday-Friday, and any changes to it will be super minor, like switching chicken to steak or broccoli to sautéed baby spinach. My main priorities are making sure I get protein, healthy fat, and veggies during my meals and keeping my sweet tooth limited to fruits and natural sugars.
I find that my body, like many people’s, works better when I don’t consume starches and sugars. If I eat that 10 oz. ribeye steak and broccoli (also a common menu item for me), I will be much less fatigued than if I consume a pasta or noodle dish of the same calorie amount. Knowing this, it’s very rare that you’ll catch me eating any kind of starchy items during the day, although on the occasional night out I’ll have that pasta.
Contrary to popular belief, when I do eat starch, I save those kinds of dishes for later on during the day because I know how it’ll make me feel—a little sleepy, kind of couch-stuck, and indulgent. Notice I didn’t demonize starches or pasta. I like to feel like that every now and then, especially winding down after a long week, but if I eat starches for lunch I’m going to be sleepy for work or my workouts. Not exactly what I want. I also don’t stress on the occasions I do eat a little more indulgently because I know what’s going into my body the rest of the time, and trust me, that pasta is not going to immediately land on your thighs. It’s a balancing act, the bigger picture of what you’re eating.
I understand that what I eat may not be feasible for everybody, but I do want to stress the importance of being able to know what is being put in your body, which is why I preach the importance of cooking your own meals. Invest in a non-stick pan and stop relying on takeout. Not only will you save money and know what you’re feeding yourself, but it will help you decipher how different food affects your body. Instead of demonizing or making certain food off-limits, I encourage everyone to pay attention to how certain kinds of food affect your body’s function in other ways. Get to know how your body and mind are affected by certain foods, and it will help you to take control of food rather than letting food control you.
Images: Giphy (2); kayyorkcity / Twitter