It’s Gonna Be May: Weekend Horoscopes May 3-5

As Justin Timberlake told us so many moons ago, “It’s gonna be May,” and with that solid advice in mind, let’s barrel into the weekly exercise of letting the stars and planets dictate how we live our lives! Should we finally take the plunge and download Ship? Should we plan an impromptu vacay to wine country with the girls? Or should we finally tell Jared that he has no idea what he’s doing in the bedroom?

Warm weather and Taurus in and around our signs has a lot of us feeling hella domestic this weekend, so don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty on the home front. Additionally, love seems either wild or non-existent this weekend, so it could be a good time to examine exactly what you want in a mate, too.

Taurus

Happy astrological new year, Taurus, you bastard. Saturday will be prime time to be intentional with, like, everything in your life, so make a goal list that covers everything from your hopes for finances to your wishes for perfect partners. It’s also a great time to make a burn book and write out (then literally burn) all the sh*tty sh*t you want out of your mind and life. Be intentional.

While you’re sitting around feeling feelings this weekend, Sunday is a great day to check yourself before spending cash-money every time you feel emotional. Next time a guy ghosts you, meditate over some Chinese food and crap TV. Stop visiting Nieman Marcus the way you would a shrink.

Gemini

Have you binged Marie Kondo yet, Gemini? We know you tend to be a little behind the times (bless), but this weekend is the perfect time to get inspired and tidy up. Do you really need the 18 t-shirts from pledge week? How about the kitchen set you had your freshman year? It’s time to let go. Taurus is moving into your twelfth house, so it’s a bitchin’ time to focus on a project like this.

On Sunday, Mars in Gemini has you feeling like you can totally audition for that Broadway show, nail all three job interviews, and start a thriving DIY blog, but chill out. Don’t forget about your (good) grounding forces and try not to step on toes (unless you’re a messy b*tch that lives for drama).

Cancer

Go out and get f*cking social, Cancer, because you’re gonna feel smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy (honestly, whatever that means). There are new friends on the horizon via social events Friday through Sunday, plus tons of happiness to be shared with old acquaintances.

After all that socialization, Sunday’s Jupiter vs. Mars face-off will have you feeling v adult and v practical, so big kid decisions are in order (as are decisions to be made with your head over your gut). You’ll likely be able to see more clearly whether or not you should continue seeing that guy that works at Chipotle and doesn’t believe in houses, man. You’ll also be able to make a grown-up decision about that gym membership you haven’t used in a year, which seemed like a good idea in the moment.

Leo

Bask in the spotlight, Leo, and stop being such a puss. People are starting to pay attention to you and your ideas (especially at work), so don’t skip out on drinks with the crew on Friday night or a beer with a coworker on Saturday (just try not to end up at karaoke and make out with your boss…again).

After all that work fodder, by Sunday you may feel ready to tackle a project in time for the 9am meeting on Monday, but pump the f*cking brakes. Challenge is good, but don’t stress yourself out too much in pursuit of perfection. Baby steps are totally fine.

Virgo

GTFO for the weekend Virgo, you earned it. You could be struggling with commitment in the next few months, so a trip near or far with your boo is absolutely necessary this weekend. That doesn’t mean a quiet candlelit dinner at your local Taco Bell. Actually like, do something. Sign up for a weird sex class in the neighboring town. Book a spontaneous trip to Europe. Drive to New Jersey. The world is your oyster.

By Sunday you’ll be feeling hella risky despite your inner p*ssy telling you “you can’t do it.” Ignore it and try something new—like taking the lead in book club (f*ck off, Helen), or preparing to run the meeting with your boss on Monday. Whatever you do, try to ignore your normal inclination to coddle everyone, k?

Libra

The moon is moving into your danger zone, Libra, and by danger we mean sexy-time. Friday night and Saturday are promising for meeting someone that knows where the magical clit is (praise be) or having a steamy night of rekindling the spark with someone that you’ve been crushing on for a while now.

Once you get the blindfolds and handcuffs off on Sunday morning, brunch or another social event brings the opportunity to meet people who aren’t completely tragic and boring. They may also have some useful information, like how to set up your 401k or how to move out of your parents’ house once and for all. Take advantage and listen.

Scorpio

Time to get batsh*t in your relationship, Scorpio! The Taurus new moon in your relationship zone has things looking up for your love life, so remember opposites can totally attract if you’re single, and that a next step is totally in the cards (like moving in or getting a doggo) if you’ve been together for awhile.

By Sunday, Mars is in your eighth house and is moving your urges for sex, drugs, and rock & roll, hard. You’re pretty much irresistible, so use it to your advantage if you’re looking for an engagement, pegging adventure, or yeah, adopting a puppy. Just remember that everything has consequences and, eventually, bills.

Sagittarius

Pick your poison, Sagittarius, cause this weekend is full of either workouts you’ve been putting off, visits with Grandma you’ve been avoiding, or overtime at the office. Luckily, the new moon gives you an opportunity to adopt healthier habits, be they finance, health, or family related, so motivation won’t be in that short of supply (which is more than we can say for most days out of our week).

Despite all the motivation and “hang in there” kitty poster-level optimism on Saturday, Sunday will be tenser than my dog trying to stalk squirrels—especially when it comes to close relationships. Communication won’t be a strong point, so hit up your bestie or your shrink before venting to the source of the issue.

Capricorn

Search for your passion this weekend, Capricorn. That could mean a new hobby  (like knitting, which is v cool), a new dude friend, or a new job. In the love department, the time is right to meet someone new, but you’ll have to actually put yourself out there and not just wait for him to find you. If you’re already in a committed relationship, Saturday is a great night for a date and steamy after-dinner treats.

Sunday will have your wheels turning, and you’ll be super into parking yourself in front of the TV for hours of conspiracy theories and murder mysteries. Don’t go nuts, though, and research the likelihood of the Ancient Alien theory for six hours online. I know that the pyramids must have been built by the Klingons, but no one else cares.  You’re likely to get a bit obsessive, so cool it.

Aquarius

Call your mom, Aquarius. This weekend is ideal for lounging at home or being with close family members. It’s also a great time to spruce up your nest, so don’t be afraid to make huge piles of donations to Goodwill or rearrange some furniture. It’ll make you feel more at ease and less like you need Xanax every time you walk through the door.

Expect the unexpected when it comes to love this weekend, too. What may start out as a fight with a total bro (or your current SO) could end up a heated discussion in a much different department (sex, we’re talking about sex).

Pisces

Everyone wants a piece of you, Pisces, and your weekend is shaping up to be a non-stop friend fest. Seize the opportunity to catch up on gossip and soak up each other’s awesomeness while checking out some new places—aka not the usual brunch spot where you seem to always end up.

Be careful on Sunday, since Mars is prone to starting sh*t with family members. Just be diplomatic and cool; try not to make any decisions that could leave you with unfavorable consequences down the road, i.e. don’t tell your dad you don’t need his charity anymore. You might, ya know?

Aries

DING DING DING. The new moon in Taurus is making baller-ass moves into your money house on Saturday, Aries, so your potential to make f*cking bank is WAY up. I mean, it could also just inspire you to adopt new savings habits, but it’s honestly much more fun to pretend you’ll suddenly get a 60% bonus on top of a raise, amirite?

You’ll feel a little overwhelmed by Sunday, so break out the editing pen and the takeout food, throw on some sweats, and go through your personal finances and resume. It’s a great weekend to be professional AF, ignore the distracting sh*t (like binge-watching the last four seasons of GoT), and focus on one goal.

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The Best TV Shows And Movies Coming To Netflix In May

Schools are almost out, and it’s time to relax and let loose. And by “let loose” I mean stay in on a Friday night for some Netflix and chill. There are some incredible original movies coming to the streaming platform this month, like Wine Country and Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile. Two totally different movie night-vibes there, but excited for both equally the same. I mean, a movie directed by Amy Poehler, and another starring Zac Efron? That’s pretty much all I could ever ask for in life! And from my streaming service nonetheless! Is that sad??? Maybe. Do I care??? Nope. So here are the TV shows and movies hitting Netflix this month that we’re most excited about, plus a few that we’re well, not so much.

1. ‘Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery’ & ‘Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me,’ May 1st

If you’ve been getting out your DVDs or VHS tapes to watch your favorite Austin Powers movies, then you’re an idiot and very behind on the times. But, no need to beat yourself up, you can now sit back and relax because these iconic movies will be available on Netflix as of May 1st. And, as if people don’t overuse Austin Powers movie references enough, expect them to be in full force this summer with these two titles now available for streaming. Guess you could say it’s both a blessing and a curse.

2. ‘Knock Down The House,’ May 1st

When I first saw this movie title, I assumed it was some Netflix interpretation of Bringing Down The House, an iconic cinematic masterpiece that I’d be super on board for a revival of. Unfortunately, it’s not. And even more unfortunately, it’s a political documentary. Again, I’m not the ideal customer for this kind of sh*t, considering my tastes in entertainment are superficial and far from deep. But, for those of you with more complex taste than myself, this documentary documents (woah, imagine that) four progressive women who ran for Congress in the midterm election, and one candidate’s ultimate success in doing so. It’s said to be hopeful and inspiring, so maybe I will actually put a pause on re-watching old Vanderpump Rules episodes to give this one a shot. I mean, I could use some hope and inspiration from someone other than Tom Sandoval to get me through my week, so we’ll see.

3. ‘Chasing Liberty,’ May 1st

Chasing Liberty is the epitome of a classic rom-com from the early 2000s. I mean, you have Mandy Moore at the height of her being Mandy Moore, playing the president’s daughter who can’t get the secret service off her back long enough to actually date boys. Tragic, right??? Tbh, idk if I’ve ever actually even seen this one, or if I’m just confusing it with that Disney channel movie with Hayden Panettiere that had basically the same exact plot. Either way, I now can’t get the song “My Date with the President’s Daughter” out of my head. Honestly, such a bop.

4. ‘Wedding Crashers,’ May 1st

Like, if this isn’t the best movie ever for staying in bed all day hungover, then I don’t know what is. Everyone loves Wedding Crashers, and this classic comedy hits Netflix this May, just in time to cure your Memorial Day hangover. Thanks for thinking of us, Netflix!!! It almost negates the fact that you’re increasing your monthly fee. Almost. Then again, wtf do I care, I don’t pay for this. Shouts out to whoever is, though, I appreciate you!!

5. ‘John Carter,’ May 2nd

I’m going to be honest, this is one I’ll probably skip. I had actually never even heard of this movie so I asked my sister’s boyfriend, who is a TV and movie connoisseur, about it and his exact summary was, “it’s a SciFi movie with good actors and a cute love story.” And sorry, but like, ya lost me at “SciFi.” I’m a religious watcher of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, so needless to say, I’m not really a SciFi gal. But for those of you interested, it’s a Disney movie based on a book, and is about an ex-military captain who somehow randomly wakes up on Mars (talk about the Sunday scaries) and is now faced with saving a bunch of randos. I mean, talk about “I didn’t sign up for this sh*t.”

6. ‘Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile,’ May 3rd

If you didn’t fall in love with Zac Efron as Troy Bolton in High School Musical, then you’re either too young or too old to be here rn. Stop what you’re doing and go watch this instant classic I think we can all agree that Zac Efron is a babe. And he has only gotten hotter with age. HOW?!?! And he’s going to be playing Ted Bundy, the infamous serial killing heartthrob??? Sign me up! I mean, in all seriousness, it’s kind of dangerous that he’s playing this character. It’s totally just going to further confuse hopeless romantics everywhere, making them believe that the serial killer-like tendencies of the guy they’re dating (but like actually, beyond just not texting you back for three days) are just something you can “fix.” Just kidding. But I will be excited to watch this.

7. ‘Lucifer’ Season 4, May 8th

So like, I don’t watch this show but maybe I should, because people are pretty hype for its return. Season 4 comes to Netflix this month, and like I just said before, people are stoked. Apparently, this show has some real stans because after it was canceled by Fox after season 3, fans campaigned for it to come back. I mean, just because something has passionate, loyal fans doesn’t mean it’s a winner *cough cough Donald Trump* but this show does look kind of good. And the lead guy is hot as sh*t, so that’s probs reason enough for me to give it a whirl.

8. ‘Wine Country,’ May 10th

Well, when you have a new movie starring half the adult cast of Mean Girls, you know you’re in store for a treat. Not to mention, it also has Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch, and Paula Pell. Plus, as if that star-studded cast isn’t enough, the whole thing is directed by Amy Poehler. Expect your Insta feed to be flooded with stories of girls having wine nights together to watch this movie. And no shade to them, cause I’ll be grabbing my gals and doing the same. I mean, the premise is a girl’s weekend, very basic plot line. And like, if the cast wasn’t so good, then it would probs be a movie I’d never see. But, with a cast of women who genuinely make me laugh with everything they do, I’ll have this in my queue the day it comes out.

9. ‘Wanda Sykes: Not Normal,’ May 21st

Wanda Sykes’ first one hour Netflix special comes this month, titled “Wanda Sykes: Not Normal.” Apparently the special surrounds our current f*cked-up political and cultural climate. And considering how f*cked-up the world truly is right now, there’s no doubt in my mind Wanda will have some great jokes for us on the matter. Bring it on, Wanda.

10. ‘When They See Us,’ May 31st

This is a limited miniseries surrounding the wrongful conviction of five men of color over a female jogger who was beaten and raped. It’s based on the true story of the Central Park Five and documents the breakdown of our criminal justice system. Honestly, the trailer is chilling, and if that’s not enough reason to watch, recently admittedly guilty Felicity Huffman is a main character in the drama. And, she’s playing the assistant district attorney who presided over the case and was a huge contributor to the infamous f*ck-up. Ironic, I know.

There are tons of other popular titles on the list coming for May that I’ve heard of, yet haven’t seen. So if I didn’t mention your beloved movie or show (like, relax Hairspray stans) there’s no need to come for me. Feel free to utilize the comments section for good, and promote said movie or show that you clearly feel so irrationally passionate about. If that’s what helps you sleep at night, who am I to stop you?

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