Hey girl, wanna quarantine & chill? Welp, hope so, because you don’t have much choice. Trump has urged Americans to limit gatherings to 10 people or less. Quarantining ourselves will help keep COVID-19 from spreading, and it’s especially important for young people to take on this responsibility, as we are often carriers who can spread the virus unknowingly to elders or people with other health conditions, who are more likely to experience serious effects from the disease.
While some of us are working from home, and many of us are stuck without work or paid time off (send love and cash to any service workers/independent contractors you can!), most politicians are still out in these streets. I guess they have a duty to fulfill in these dark times…let’s see if they can rise to the occasion.
But since we’re home, we’ve decided to spend some time coming up with how some of our most beloved and most despised politicians would spend their quarantine & chill time. Let the games begin!
Bernie is going to take this time to get set up on the Youtube so he can continue making videos once again asking for us for our financial support. His wife, Jane, will be his videographer, and they will go widely unseen since Bernie doesn’t realize it’s all about the TikTok at this point. He will ignore Hulu’s repeated recommendation that he stream “Hillary.”
Bernie will also, of course, take this time to really lean into his bedhead and socially distance himself from any type of hairbrush or comb. Jane supports him in this journey because their love is pure.
Liz will be damned if this quarantine stops her from being productive. She’s color-coding her closet, reorganizing the food pantry, doing her friend’s taxes, and making spreadsheets simply for the fun of it.
If she, her husband, and Bailey want to watch a movie? You bet your sweet ass Liz has made a PowerPoint presentation breaking down which options are best and why.
Liz will, of course, continue coming up with bulletproof political plans that will go underappreciated by the American public.
Things are finally as God intended: Pence is at home with Mother, away from any other nasty woman’s presence.
Here, Mother can provide Pence with the 8 glasses of warm, whole milk he requires per day, while she reads him the Hyde Amendment (the legislative provision barring the use of federal funds to pay for abortion) out loud to soothe him. All is well.
Mitch McConnell will treat social distancing the same way he treats his time on Capitol hill: by ignoring the many bills currently on his desk that could literally save lives. He and his wife, Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao, will further map their path to corrupt the federal entire government until McConnell is exposed to the virus, after which he will retreat back into his shell to self-quarantine for 14 days.
Tbh who fucking knows, but I can confidently predict he would go on live TV and say something like, “I spent my quarantine time like I did every Christmas as a kid: riding my tractor down to the graveyard to have chicken fights with Ol’ Man Popsicle Stick, who, have you me, under many things, as they say, would not, on account of, you know, the thing.”
No amount of social distancing can stop this content queen from setting Twitter ablaze with her hot takes. Anyone with a bad take is getting retweeted WITH comment and dragged to clap back hell.
No internet troll is safe. No conservative commentator can hide. She’s coming for you.
Hopefully sitting in a corner and thinking about what she’s done. And then regretting it.
That’s all I’ll say on that.
Speaking of Susan Collins…
You just KNOW Brett is the guy who is going out to crowded bars and getting blackout, even after we’ve been told to socially distance ourselves.
Nothing can stop him from going out with his boys Tobin, Squi, and P.J.!!! Time to chug some beers and FSU because this is AMERICA and no one can tell him no (and if they do it will not compute).
A GoFundMe has been put together to provide RBG with a glass box, a la the one Joe locks his victims in in You, but obviously less creepy and fully equipped with everything Ruth needs for her daily workouts.
Food and water will be brought to RBG by a person in a hazmat suit, who will deliver it through a small opening in the box. Again, much like Joe from You, but with the intent to keep this woman tf alive, not to kill her. She is routinely let out so she can be measured for the top-secret, Bloomberg-funded RBG clone that we are definitely not making.
Cory Booker gets to spend his quarantine time the way we all wish we could spend ours: with Rosario Dawson. The two are finally together without the distractions of his busy political life and her busy celebrity/being a perfect person life.
With this extra free time, Cory will of course continue to pursue his passion of tweeting out bad jokes about coffee. Fuck it, he might just turn it into a passion project and make a coffee table book full of lame coffee jokes. The perfect present for all of our dads.
"Sleep" and I broke up a few nights ago. I'm dating "Coffee" now. She's Hot!
— Cory Booker (@CoryBooker) May 29, 2009
Maxine Walters will be reclaiming her time, tyvm.
Social distancing as president is what Trump had always thought this job would be like. He’s locking himself in his room, ordering all the McDonald’s fish fillets in the greater D.C. area, stockpiling Diet Coke, and watching Fox News.
Melania is pretending to have COVID-19 as an excuse to not be near him.
At long last, peace, quiet, and a lack of total responsibility. America is finally great again.
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For many betches, the 2016 election was a painful reminder of how far women still have to go to earn equal representation in government. Like, it’s pretty hard to argue that women are equal when the American people were given the opportunity to choose between a former FLOTUS-turned-senator turned-Secretary-of-State and a racist Cheeto who runs beauty pageants and they made the Cheeto president (still not over it, sorry). In the U.S., women hold only 19.4% of the seats in Congress, with 83 women serving in the house and and 21 serving in the senate (78 Democrats, and 26 Republicans), and given that it’s been a casual 97 years since women earned the right to vote, those numbers are a fucking mess. Also, kind of puts how shittily our government is running these days into perspective. Like, oh you guys are having trouble communicating with the American people? Hmmm…I wonder what group of people could be missing from government that are also notoriously good communicators…hmm….
All that being said, there are badass betches in our government rocking blazers and telling men to STFU every day, and you should know who tf they are so that you know who to turn to when a large group of men try to do something crazy like defund Planned Parenthood.
1. MAXINE WATERS (D, CA)
If you have not already been inducted into the Church of Maxine, then sit your ass down because it is time to hear the good word. Maxine Waters, whose most recent TBT included a photo of her just casually chilling with Coretta Scott King, does not play, and has not played for a long fucking time. Mad Max has been in Congress since 1991, where she was an outspoken opponent of the shitshow commonly referred to as “The Iraq War.” Maxine currently serves as the representative from California’s 43rd district and is the most senior black woman in Congress, where she served as the head of the Congressional Black Congress from 1997-1998 (some of my best years, TBH). Most importantly, Maxine is a fucking baller with a notoriously low amount of fucks to give. Need an example? Check out this epic, mic-dropping press conference she gave literally moments after being briefed by FBI director James Comey, and then I’ll see you for Sunday for worship.
Maxine Waters is fed up with it all. pic.twitter.com/GiIhchM8Oy
— Philip Lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) January 16, 2017
2. ELIZABETH WARREN (D, MA)
If you have ever used the internet (and you have, cuz you’re like…reading this now) you have definitely seen one of the ten thousand incredible viral takedowns that Sen. Elizabeth Warren serves up daily. Warren took office in 2013, making her the first female Senator from Massachusetts, and she promptly got to work fixing what was fucked. Most notably, Lizzie served as the head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, which was created by Obama after the 2008 financial crisis (another thing that was primarily men’s fault) where she rose to prominence and Assistant to the President (Obama not….the other one) and Special Advisory to the Secretary of the Treasury. Since that time, Liz has become one of the boss betches of American politics, using her prominent platform to publicly roast anyone that she deems worthy of roasting. Liz has repeatedly said she has no interest in running for President, but hey, even Donald Trump said that in the eighties and look where the fuck we are now.
3. TAMMY DUCKWORTH (D,IL)
For most people, losing both your legs and damaging your right arm during military service in Iraq seems like a pretty reasonable point to say “I’m out” work-wise, but Tammy Duckworth of Illinois is not most people. That’s right. Before being elected to Congress in Illinois, Tammy lost both her fucking legs in Iraq and said, “Nah I’m not done yet.” Not only is Tammy the first disabled woman elected to the House of Representatives, she’s also the first Asian American woman elected in Illinois, and the first female double amputee from war in U.S. military history. So yeah, being the “first” comes pretty easily to Tammy. You know, I can actually think of another government job desperately in need of a woman that Tammy would be peeeerrfect for.
4. WENDY DAVIS (D, TX)
While Wendy is not technically in government right now, she did serve as representative for Texas’ 10th district in the Texas State Senate from 2009 to 2015, where she rose to prominence after holding an eleven-hour-long filibuster in opposition to Senate Bill 5, a measure that helped to continue Texas’ embarrassing obsession with restricting abortion rights. You’re thinking “That’s NBD, I could talk for eleven hours no problem, just ask my bf,” but could you do it…without sitting down? Or peeing? Or drinking wine? Yeah. Probs not.
5. KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND (D, NY)
Kirsten Gillibrand was elected Senator from New York in 2009, taking over the seat vacated by Hillary Clinton (heard of her?) and she has not stopped balling since. Sen. Gillibrand was the only member of the Senate to vote “no” on every Trump appointee besides Nikki Haley for U.N. Ambassador and has been an outspoken advocate for women’s rights. Also, thanks to her we now have someone in Congress named “Kirsten,” which is honestly a win for women with basic names everywhere.
6. TAMMY BALDWIN (D, WI)
Tammy Baldwin and her collection of kickass purple blazers was elected to the Senate in 2012, making her the first openly gay U.S. Senator in history. Since that time, Baldwin’s voting record has made her one of the most liberal members of Congress. She is a supporter of the Violence Against Women Act, the Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, and the Equal Pay Act. Also, she’s up for reelection in 2018 so, yeah….let’s make that happen. Also, sidebar, but who knew there were so many Senators named Tammy?
7. SAIRA BLAIR (R, WV)
Saira Blair is a Republican (whaaa?) member of the West Virginia House of Delegates, and the youngest person ever elected to state or federal office. Blair casually joined the WV House of Delegates at the ripe old age of 18, when most people are planning their beach week and lying to their significant others about how they’ll totally stay together in college. Blair began her political career at 17, and was able to pull the ultra-boss move of voting for herself in the very first election she was ever allowed to vote in. Blair describes herself as “very conservative,” opposing abortion even in cases of rape and incest, and is a staunch supporter of voter ID laws, but hey, people change between high school and college. Like, am I still obsessed with Soco and crop tops? Well, okay, yes, but you get my point.
8. BARBARA MIKULSKI (D, MD)
Babs is retired now, but before she decided to leave work and begin a lifelong vacay, she was (and still is) the longest serving woman in the history of Congress. Mukulski served from 1987 to 2017, so like, three years longer than Taylor Swift has existed on the Earth. Babara saw a lot of shit in her 30 years as a senator. When she was elected, there was only one other female senator (Nancy Kassebaum of Kansas) and as a result they lacked a proper bathroom, meaning there was no place for Babs and Nanc to run and talk shit when the men were giving them anxiety. During her time in office, Barbara would host all the female senators from both sides of the aisle at her house for monthly group dinners, where I can only assume copious amounts of much needed wine drinking and shit talking took place.
9. ILHAN OMAR (D, MN)
While the 2016 election was generally a shit show all around, it did give us Ilhan Omar, the first Somali-American legislator to be elected to Minnesota’s House of Representatives. Omar, 34, who just happens to be a Somali refugee, proudly rocks a hijab (and statement necklace) each day at work. Representative Omar is a walking, talking contradiction to President Cheeto’s stance on refugees, and while being a Muslim-American woman in Minnesota is probably not easy, neither is looking this fucking fly, and Ilhan still manages.
10. JEANETTE RANKIN (R, MT)
Jeanette Rankin is another woman who is no longer in government, given that she was elected to the House of Representatives for Montana in 1917. That’s right, a full three years before women were even granted the right to vote, Jeanette Ranken was in Congress serving as a living, breathing example of how fucking cool women are for her colleagues in The House every damn day. Ranken was instrumental in securing the vote for women in 1920 (obvi), making her “the only woman who ever voted to give women the right to vote”—those are her words BTW.