The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: The Girls Have Gone Wild

Well, betches, we are back for yet another week of The Bachelor, or as I like to call it these days, What New And Exciting Personality Will Queen Victoria Develop Next? Truly, it’s thrilling to consider. 

Last week, we watched Victoria pull the single greatest PR stunt since Kris Jenner turned a sex tape into a billion-dollar career. She managed to not only redeem her middle school bully status within the house (while still looking and acting like the hungover raccoon she’s always been) but she also managed to make the girl with the dying dad into look worse than Ted Bundy. I’ve never seen such a thing take place in this franchise. I mean, Victoria looks like someone better suited to be cussing out a gas attendant at a WaWa. She shouldn’t be able to hold any sway over these ladies and their reputations! Make it make sense!


I will say, every week Victoria looks more and more beat up. Like, why does she look like she just escaped the Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Has Harry Potter destroyed one of her horcruxes or something? What’s really going on here?

The rest of the group date from last week (because, yes, we still have to finish out a group date) goes about as well as can be expected. Matt looks like he would rather be in a dark room listening to “Drivers License” and sniffing Sarah’s pillow, but he manages to muster up a small amount of energy to show up for the rest of the ladies. The way he puts it is that this is HIS journey, and he’s not going to let anyone ruin it for him. I believe he stole that line directly from an episode of My Super Sweet 16 when Ava’s dad refused to import foreign male models to act as eye candy for the occasion. It has the same energy, does it not?


The only stand-out moment from the evening comes in the form of Chelsea, or as the viewers back home know her: the bald hottie. I know that came out a little callous, but I meant it with all the kindness in my heart (or at least whatever’s left in there that hasn’t completely festered). Chelsea is STUNNING, y’all. I mean I know she’s a model, but still. Matt definitely agrees with my findings because instead of listening to Chelsea deep dive into her complicated relationship with her hair as a Black woman in a white society, he’s trying to see how far he can slip that hand up her thigh. Matthew! Hands!!! 

The Rose Ceremony

We get a rose ceremony almost immediately, and the women are weirdly optimistic. They seem to think that Sarah was the only thing standing between them and their happy ending with Matt, as if there are not 18 other women still competing for his heart on this show. This feeling is only reinforced when every single girl in the house says they’re excited to get their time with Matt tonight. Look ladies, optimism has no place on this show. The minute you show an ounce of happiness, production will be there ready and willing to burn down your childhood home if it means they can get some waterworks out of you to up their ratings. Don’t be so naïve! 

Going into the rose ceremony, Victoria proclaims that she just needs a few minutes alone with Matt to solidify their relationship. Honestly, I think she’s going about this all wrong. The less she speaks to him, the more likely she is to survive another rose ceremony. Nose to the ground, honey! Nose. to. the. ground. 

HAHAHAHAHA stop. Did Chris Harrison just break up their conversation by asking to steal Matt for a sec? Watch out, Chris. You don’t know what Queen Victoria is capable of; better sleep with one eye open.

WHAT. WHATTTTT. NEW GIRLS ARE COMING TO THE HOUSE? Is this even legal? Also, Matt does not look excited about this at all. He was already barely holding off a coup before this, now he’ll be lucky to escape his season with both his eyebrows after this development. 

CHRIS HARRISON: We’re bringing in more new women for you, Matt! Isn’t that exciting, buddy?

The girls are coming in by the truckload, and Matt looks like he has seen less carnage on a football field during rivals week than what he’s about to witness when he walks back into that rose ceremony. I mean, how is he going to explain Brittany’s presence without being immediately drawn and quartered by the women? She walks in and tells him she wants to “make up for last time” and then shoves her tongue down his throat. BRITTANY! She might as well have slipped a condom into his wallet while she was at it. 

Anna is acting like she’s heard alllll about Brittany because they both live in Chicago, but isn’t Chicago home to like, millions of people? Like, do you know her or did she just show up on your explore page on Instagram? Be honest here. 

Meanwhile, Chris looks very unperturbed that his lead is about to be mauled alive by a pack of rabid former beauty queens. They’ve done nothing this quarantine but perfect their Keto diets, Chris! They’ve been training for this!! Does he not realize that this room is about to be a mess of hair extensions and blood??

Speaking of body counts, here’s who gets eliminated at the rose ceremony:

I’m shocked that four out of the five new girls who showed up tonight got roses. They didn’t even get to sit in on a full rose ceremony! They probably spent longer with the med team getting nasal swabbed for a COVID test than they have with Matt James! So, I guess when Matt said earlier that this was “HIS journey” he really meant “HIS journey with the hottest women on this show.” That’s the only reason I can think of for why he would keep complete strangers on this show. 

The Group Date

I guess the producers could tell Matt was scared for his life, because they bring in Ben Higgins to put some pep in his step. For those of you who don’t know, Ben Higgins is a former Bachelor and the first to ever say “I love you” to two different women in a season. Why ABC continues to give this guy any airtime is beyond me. It’s not like this process worked for him. He met his fiancée by sliding into her DMs. To be a fly on the wall when they tell their kids their love story started with Daddy sending Mommy a message that said, “your Instagram makes me so horny, can I get your number?” If People doesn’t cover this in their wedding exclusive, they’re crazy!

The group date this week involves some sort of fall-themed obstacle course that looks like it was thought up after someone ate too many edibles and watched a marathon of Gilmore Girls. Of course Victoria treats the entire spectacle like it’s her own personal civil war. For christ’s sake, Victoria, this isn’t the “Bad Blood” music video, they just told you to wear a squirrel suit! 



Honestly, this is horrifying. They just told these women—women who are gainfully employed and presumably have college degrees, or at least very rich fathers—to carry those acorns in their mouths like baby squirrels. Ladies, this is not what we marched for! 

No one is worse behaved on this date than Anna. And she is terrifying. I’ll be seeing those chompers of hers in my nightmares, I swear. Anna starts a rumor that Brittany is an escort. I think she actually says that Brittany “entertains men for money” which, like, who among us hasn’t? Grow up, Anna, we’re all escorts when we don’t want to drop $18 on a vodka cran.

Anna asks Brittany straight-up if she’s an escort in front of the entire group (and casually all of America when this finally aired). Brittany, of course, denies the escort rumors, along with the rumors that she shot JFK and fabricated the 9/11 attacks. Truly, they hold about as much water in terms of rumors. Where did you get your intel, Anna? Parler? 


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What I can’t understand from this entire Anna/Brittany feud is what Anna hopes to achieve by doing all of this. Obviously, she’s feeling threatened by Brittany and her connection with Matt, but there has been a crazy amount of outright slut-shaming this season. The amount of times I’ve heard “hoe” and “whore” tossed around is astonishing. First of all, I firmly believe that we should all be reclaiming this word so as not to let men weaponize it against us. A woman is allowed to do whatever the f*ck she wants to do with HER OWN BODY with whoever she wants to do it with. Secondly, this is 2021! There’s absolutely no way Anna is going to walk away from this exchange as the hero. She’s going to be ripped apart on the internet for this, and deservedly so. How she can’t see this train wreck coming from a mile away is beyond me. 

Sidenote: Matt is kind of the worst. He seems to be passively watching as the women shred each other apart one “can I steal you for a sec” at a time. He can see how hostile it is in the house and is doing nothing to manage it. Instead, he seems content to let that hostility fester and the women verbally eviscerate each other behind his back. I get that he hasn’t done this before and so maybe he doesn’t understand the dynamics of living in a house with a bunch of other people who are trying to bang the same person you are, but he does have working eyes and ears. There’s really no excuse. 

Michelle’s One-On-One Date

I still can’t get over how bold it was for Matt to ask one of the new girls on a one-on-one date. Like, I can’t decide if he actually likes her or if he wants Victoria to shave her head in her sleep. 

I don’t have much to say about this date. Michelle seems super genuine and the two of them appear to have a decent amount of chemistry. That said, I also feel like Matt could carry on an engaged conversation with a stapler. They go on a hot air balloon which is firmly tethered to the ground. Like, it’s a stationary hot air balloon. Their “once-in-a-lifetime view” consists of an aerial shot of the hotel and the freeway down the street. I hope they don’t leave this part out of their love story when they tell the kids!

One of the most memorable parts of the date comes when Michelle quotes Maya Angelou and is genuinely surprised that Matt is able to distinguish it as a Maya quote. You can tell she was hoping to pass it off as her own. Honestly, don’t feel bad girl, a producer was definitely holding that answer up on a cue card behind your back!

The Second Group Date

The second group date of the week will be a boxing date. I think the date card reads something like “you gotta fight for love” and all of the girls know to immediately start filing their nails into makeshift shivs. This isn’t their first cage fight, ABC. 

To prep them for their fight, the girls will be trained by world class boxing champ Mia St. John. You gotta wonder what she did in a past life to deserve this fate, especially as you take in the look of shock and disgust on her face as she watches these women fake spar. On the one hand, she has girls like Serena who are willing to lose a kidney if it means taking out their opponent. On the other hand, there are girls like Kit who are wondering if a punch to the face will f*ck up their fillers. I truly feel for you, Mia. 

And what do you know, these fights are an all-out brawl. I’ve watched lions dismember gazelles on the Discovery Channel with less bloodlust than is currently taking place on my screen. Someone is definitely going to go into concussion protocol after this date. 


Cut to the cocktail party, and Matt thinks he’s some sort of hero just because he stopped the cage fights before anyone was permanently maimed. Oh, honey, baby, sweetie, no. You’ve only whetted their appetite for fresh blood. 

Enter Vibrator Girl, who just wishes we could all get along like we used to in middle school, and takes it upon herself to make Matt aware of the drama in the house. I’ve seen a lot of girls over the years try to bring the Bachelor into house drama and it usually amounts to their ultimate downfall. That said, Katie actually handled this super maturely. She didn’t name names, she just very calmly explained the situation and gave him some action items for the next rose ceremony. I honestly think Vibrator Girl might be a producer plant. As in, she’s actually a board-certified therapist who is there to perform incognito wellness checks on the ladies and make sure the lead doesn’t jump a fence. 

We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Matt actually does anything with this information. If he does choose to intervene and doesn’t start his rose ceremony speech with anything other than “oh hell no I did not leave the south side for this” then it’s a missed opportunity. Until then!

Images: ABC / Craig Sjodin; Giphy (6); @bachelorettewindmill /Instagram (1); ABC (1)

The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: 50 Shades Of Please Stop Talking

I think I speak for all of us when I start this recap off by saying: OFF WITH HER HEAD!!! I am, of course, referring to Queen Victoria. (Not the matriarch of the most famous royal bloodline in history, but the matriarch of slob kabobs. You get it.) Thus far on The Bachelor we’ve been treated, and what a treat, to two episodes that are entirely too Victoria-content-heavy. Normally, I quite enjoy a villain. The manipulation, the pettiness, the drunkenly slurred insults—you could say that I see something of myself in them. But it’s almost insulting to suggest that Victoria, of the black bra straps and smudgy eyeliner and puffy under eyes—that Victoria—is a threat to anything other than the tenuous grasp I have on my sanity. But alas, I saw production put a wig on a mop and call it a “ghost” on a haunted group date last season, so there’s really no limit to how far they’ll bend reality for the success of a plot line. 

Which brings us back to the rose ceremony! When last we left off, Queen V had set her sights on annihilating the weakest link in the group: Marylynn. To be fair, she did choose her mark well. Marylynn seems like the kind of girl who apologizes if a stranger sneezes across the street. Victoria, meanwhile, is the kind of girl who would cut a girl’s brakes if she were running against her for Alpha Delta Pi social chair. Mar Mar really didn’t stand a chance. 

Okay, I forgot about the Sarah fainting thing. It seems the girl has been watching a little too much Bridgerton. That’s a total Lady Cowper move. I love how the medic is all “do you need oxygen?? A hospital??” and she waves him off like she’s good with just a few hits of Matt’s cologne. Yeahhh, I’m starting to think this was less about Sarah feeling a little lightheaded and more about Sarah feeling a little manipulative. 

Honestly, I’ve never seen a room so quickly and thoroughly decide to forgive one villain and revile another. I guess all the prayer circle Jesus talk is reserved for asking God to forgive your sin of eating carbs before 11am, not wishing a girl who’s already face-planted once this evening extensive bodily harm. Got it. 

KHAYLAH: Do I feel bad for Sarah? Yes. Of course. But also…

WHAT. HE GIVES VICTORIA THE ROSE?! She legit looks like she showed up to the rose ceremony hungover after a 10-day bender that involved several bar fights and zero sleep. How could he pick her!! I would love to hear Marylynn’s take on all of this. No, seriously. I’ve heard leaves rustle at a higher decibel than how she’s talking directly into a mic rn. 

The Group Date

Today’s group date theme is “get uncomfortable”,  which is funny because is that not also the tagline of this franchise? I mean honestly, what’s more uncomfortable than the entire premise of this show? I’m sorry, but a man dating 30 women at once? And each “date” involves a scenario that is either mildly pornographic or offensive to some cultures/religions/etc.? In any other world this would be grounds for a Special Victims Unit investigation at the very least. 

Ah, I see the real reason for this date. It’s a shameless plug for Chris Harrison’s “erotic” romance novel! I love how Matt asked for “uncomfortable” and Chris Harrison immediately thought of the content of his book. At least he understands his own writing! 

The ladies are told to write an erotic next chapter featuring themselves and Matt James. Not only will this be an exercise in creative writing, but they will also be doing a public reading of their work just in case physically writing the words “moist for you” wasn’t punishment enough. Tbh, I truly can’t wait to hear these girls (who were saying the Lord’s Prayer but a week ago!) now go into public and excruciating detail about all the things they’d like to do with Matt James’ penis. It’s about to go from “our father who art in heaven” to “daddy can I” real f*cking quick.

As I anticipated, this is a train wreck. I’ve never felt more uncomfortable in my life. Matt keeps saying how proud he is of the vulnerability these girls are displaying, but my idea of vulnerability does not involve turning the comments section of an OnlyFans post into a seductive Haiku. It just doesn’t. Kit starts talking about fingertips down her spine, Dildo Girl looks like she’s a minute away from busting out her X-rated Harry Potter fanfic for the occasion (she totally looks the type, don’t lie!), and Victoria’s has more redactions than one of Trump’s tweets. I’m pretty sure the college creative writing degree in me just shuddered in disgust. 

No one walks away from that date feeling more confident than Dildo Girl. A sex positive date that involves honest conversations with your partner (and the 29 other authors of his “special stories”) about sexual pleasure? If she doesn’t shine on this date, then there’s truly no hope for her. 

Dildo Girl, riding off a high from saying the word “pussy” on stage and not even giggling a little, gets about three minutes to bask in Matt’s praise before Sarah shows up to crash the group date. GOD, SARAH, CAN YOU LET THE GIRL HAVE HER MOMENT? She doesn’t even have a name on this franchise yet! Her face is still synonymous with a Spencer’s gag gift! Poor Dildo Girl. This all just feels needlessly cruel. 

All right, I don’t love that Matt is entertaining this. As far as I can tell, Sarah crashed the group date because she was feeling anxious… that he was dating other girls… on The Bachelor

SARAH: It’s just that you’re dating all of these other girls at the same time as me…

Don’t act like you’ve never watched The Bachelor before, Sarah! This isn’t some newfangled plot line shocking the nation. Mike Fleiss has been peddling this show’s demented format since before you were born. Seriously, you’re killing my vibe. Go home. 

Sarah leaves the group date and is only just able to narrowly escape being sacrificed on an altar by Victoria and her mob rule. The ladies are not happy. I’m sorry, but what did Sarah expect? Girls get mad when you use the same IG caption as them, let alone steal their five minutes of allotted alone time with their boyfriend. 

With that in mind, I now declare the winner of this group date to be Dildo Girl. I mean, she’s not technically the winner, Matt ends up giving the group date rose to Rachael, but in my eyes she deserves a standing f*cking ovation. Not only did she stand up to Sarah, but she also made sure the time she managed to wheedle out of Matt was as awful and awkward as possible. I genuinely didn’t think she had the balls. I’m so proud of her I might even start using her real name in these recaps! Lol, I know. I shouldn’t get too carried away. 


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Serena P’s One-On-One Date

Serena P gets the one-on-one date this week, and I can’t believe there are so many Serenas on this season that production needed to differentiate them by using the first letter of each of their last names. Are the girls so young now that their moms were big Gossip Girl fans or something? Where is this coming from? 

For their date they go on a romantic horseback ride. It’s all very Sandals honeymoon meets PA quarantine. I guess I’m just impressed that this season ABC has been able to come up with dates that don’t involve the camera crew papier-mâché-ing background sets together before the couple shows up. The bar is so low. 

Serena P seems like a real human being. She’s being flirty but in a way that doesn’t feel airbrushed or like she’s reenacting jokes she saw on TikTok first. Do I think they like each other? Eh, I wouldn’t go that far. I can’t say I’m really sensing any chemistry. Like, if this were the real world he would probably bring her as a date to company happy hours or text her during daylight hours, but would definitely ghost her the first time she asked “what are we?” Ya know? These are the vibes he’s giving off.

Their future is so bright.  

Okay, Matt talking about his spinster mother feels like a personal attack to my character. He’s like, “I worry she’s going to grow old and die alone.” Well what would you have her do, Matthew? She’s already a single mom and now she’s got to explain to future dates that, no, her son doesn’t have a sex tape per se. He just had fantasy suite dates. THE WORLD IS TRASH, MATT. LEAVE HER BE. 

Matt gives Serena the date rose, which isn’t really surprising. What is surprising is that Sarah didn’t manage to infiltrate their date somehow by pretending to be a piece of shrubbery in the background. 


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The Sarah Show

Sarah has had quite the storyline this week. Here I was thinking that last week’s rose ceremony would go down like Scar’s last stand in The Lion King with Queen V and her exposed bra straps going down in a fiery blaze after being devoured alive by the hyenas she thought she’d had in line. And yet! She still lives! Not only is she still on this show, but Sarah—fashionable, heartbreaking sob story Sarah—has taken on the role of being the f*cking worst. 

After crashing the group date, Sarah puts herself on a 14-day quarantine. Not like a CDC-recommended quarantine, she’s still going to dress cute and see people, just if anyone she doesn’t like asks, she’s going to say she’s not feeling well and it’s best to stay away for safety reasons. You know, like how they do it in LA.

Meanwhile, sensing he has a mutiny on his hands, Matt tries to apologize to the women for Sarah’s antics at the group date before his one-on-one with Serena P. He isn’t even able to get out an “I’m sorry” before asking where Sarah is AND THEN GOES TO TALK TO HER INSTEAD OF FINISHING HIS APOLOGY. This is a straight-up Clare move and I’m disappointed in him. 

The women are PISSED. They’re starting to question if they can trust Matt with their hearts (lol they can’t) and Matt’s only excuse is that he doesn’t “know how this all works.” Nope. Not good enough. You absolutely know how this works. If you have working eyes and ears and were born after the year 1975, you know how this works. Not to mention, you were sharing masks and exchanging bodily fluids all over Florida with your Bachelor pals this past spring. Please. 

Cut to the end of the episode and the producers have finally lured Sarah out of her cage. I’m imagining they used some sort of electric rod to prod her into that lounge area the same way zoo handlers get the monkeys to dance. Her entrance is greeted by disdainful silence and Victoria’s verbal shredding of the last remnants of her reputation. 

QUEEN V: You don’t need Matt, you need Xanax. 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Guys, I think I like… Victoria?!

You can’t live with us. #TheBachelor

— Nick Viall (@viallnicholas28) January 19, 2021

After the ladies finish verbally roasting Sarah on a spit over the unending flames of their hatred for her, she decides it might be best if she leaves the show. And perhaps joins the witness protection program. Totally unrelated, of course. 

Once again, Dildo Girl is too pure for this earth. She does something I’ve never seen before on this franchise: shows genuine human empathy at no personal gain to herself. She tries to apologize for all the yelling just now and also the witch’s curse they placed on Sarah the night before. She just wants everyone to “stay classy” during this process, you know, like when she poked that girl with her 9-inch vibrator and then asked to steal Matt for a sec. Like that. 


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Jokes aside, Katie is a QUEEN, and she deserves Matt’s full attention. He better f*cking deliver next week. 

Sarah tells Matt she’s leaving, but instead of the sad story she gave Katie about missing out on time with her terminally ill father and this environment bringing up toxic feelings from past relationships, she tells him it’s because she was bullied. Woooow. I also love that when Matt begs her to stay, she drops the “I’ve been praying over this” line. Like, bitch just say you’re not that into him, you’re into G-Eazy!!

Annnnd that’s a wrap, kids! See you hoes next Monday!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; ABC (2); Giphy (4); @viallnicholas28 /Twitter (1); @bachelorettewindmill /Instagram (2)

A Breakdown Of Matt James’s Contestants On ‘The Bachelor’

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Not the holidays, but those are coming up too: Bachelor Bio days! Yes, technically ABC released the full bios of Matt James’s contestants on The Bachelor on Friday, but it was 3pm and I had other things to do (wine to drink), so I couldn’t pump out my judgmental quips as fast for you people. But after putting much thought (wine) into it over the weekend, I have returned with my breakdown of Matt James’s contestants.

Abigail, 25, Client Financial Manager

Abigail says good looks are “a plus” but “getting to know someone on a deeper level is far more important in a successful relationship.” And that’s why she signed up to get engaged to someone after at most eight weeks of dating non-exclusively on a television show.

Alana, 26, Photographer

Alana acts like she’s this free spirit because she didn’t go to college right after high school, she… wait for it… moved to Europe. Ah yes, Europe! The road less traveled! Europe is where Alana went on a “journey of self-discovery and exploration”, which we all know means she banged a bunch of dudes with accents and maybe had a threesome. Get Emily In Paris outta here.

Alicia, 24, Professional Ballerina

Now that’s what I’m calling a job title. Alicia describes herself as “unlucky in love”, which doesn’t surprise me given that she’s been working to become a ballerina since age 13. The only thing I’ve worked at that long has been staying alive, and even that I haven’t even tried too hard to do. Anyway, the point is, she’s probably just been too busy to find a relationship. Alicia says she “loves all vegetables, with the exception of tomatoes”. Girl, tomatoes are a fruit.

Amber, 30, Nursing Student

What is it about Amber that’s giving me villain vibes? Is it the fillers? The nursing student profession? The name Amber? It’s all the above. Also because when Amber was asked what her physical type is, her answer was “MATT JAMES!” Honey, we asked your type, not who you’re competing for on the show. This has big “can I steal you for a sec?” energy written all over it. And finally, Amber says she is “terrified of being on the edge of cliffs,” and I’ve got to wonder just how often that comes up. Maybe we should do a cross-check to see if any of Amber’s exes have tragically fallen off cliffs before.

Anna, 24, Copywriter

I’m already feeling good about my decision not to apply for this season, because at 29, I would apparently be too old. So, Anna’s bio sounds like a bad Hallmark movie: this cheerleading captain knew she was meant for something bigger than her hometown Applebee’s, as if that’s some novel statement. Most of us also didn’t want to live out the rest of our days at a middle-tier chain restaurant, but we weren’t even popular in high school.

Anna says right off the bat that she wants a man who will take her at “the good, the bad, and the ugly.” The emotionally stable among us know that that is literally the bare minimum for a committed relationship. The fact that she needs to spell it out leads me to think she’s keyed a few cars in her day, as does her mentioning “Gemini vibes”. Anna, you can’t blame being a Gemini for the fact that you burned your ex’s clothes because you thought he was cheating on you!

Bri, 24, Communications Manager

Bri’s bio is so over-the-top that I have to wonder what ABC is trying to tell us with this. Like, her bio opens with, “Bri is really something special” and then goes into how hard her mother and grandmother worked at giving her a fighting shot at a successful life. Her dream is to live in Kauai. Her favorite activity is brunching. Her tattoos are a wave and the number 13 in Farsi. I’m thinking she wins, because there’s nothing even remotely embarrassing here. Either that or she’s super boring and goes home on the first night.

Carolyn, 30, Journalist

More like retired journalist, I’m just saying. Carolyn is also giving me villain vibes—not in the traditional villain sense, but in the sense that she’ll be the one who’s constantly losing it and whom the other girls can’t stand. Why do I think that? Because her bio has things like “Carolyn wants a bold man who won’t be afraid to challenge her and call her out if she needs it” (translation: she likes the toxic ones) and “She needs someone who will appreciate her intensity and bring an equal amount of passion to the relationship” (translation: her ideal relationship is a constant cycle between screaming and f*cking). 

Casandra, 25, Social Worker

I have to say that nothing grates on me quite like girls who think that preferring to be in sweats with no makeup on is a unique personality trait. Newsflash: most people don’t prefer to put in effort and be uncomfortable! I feel like girls really took that Drake line and ran with it in the wrong direction. Drake wasn’t noting that his girl is special for not wanting to put on jeans or makeup, the noteworthy part is that she apparently actually looks better that way (which is actually a lie and a fake, toxic beauty standard, but that’s not why we’re here). In any case, “Best I Ever Had” came out 10 years ago, let’s please put this trope to rest.

Chelsea, 28, Runway Model

Chelsea might be the only one out of the bunch who’s here for the right reasons, because she’s an actual model and presumably doesn’t need to shill FabFitFun boxes in order to get mistaken for a model. Chelsea has very run-of-the-mill interests, which include learning Spanish online and her favorite meal being “snacks”. Suddenly I feel a lot better about the fact that, when asked on a date what my hobbies are, I said “currently watching Real Housewives of New York City from season 1”. 

Corrinne, 22, Marketing Manager

Well I’m glad it only took three years for the Bachelor franchise to permit another Corrinne to grace its hallowed halls. This Corrinne seems kind of similar to our Corrinne in that she earns her living through the family business, which in this case is a high-end Italian restaurant. So like, an Olive Garden. Corrinne says she wants “a man who will prioritize settling down over a busy nightlife and partying,” and it’s like, honey. Graduate college and you’ll find him. Don’t sweat it.

Emani, 25, Realtor

Emani says her turn-offs are “emotional instability, physical instability, and financial instability.” The emotional and financial instability I get. But what exactly is physical instability? Is it coded fatphobia? Is she going to make you take the Presidential Fitness Test on date one? Does she troll her local Iron Man competitions looking for love?

Illeana, 25, Health Food Developer

So basically Illeana is only here to promote “Funky Monkey Energy”, which sounds like a playtime education video series for toddlers. Whatever it is, it doesn’t even have a website (I checked). Great marketing. Illeana has a cat named Sir Theo who goes to the bathroom IN THE TOILET and she also probably has an overprotective dad who is a retired CIA operative.

Jessenia, 27, Social Media Marketer

PAGEANT GIRL ALERT! Jessenia is a former Miss El Paso 2016, and to be honest I’m surprised it took until the J names before a pageant queen came up. Jessenia says she “wants someone with whom she can travel the world, but who will also indulge in a fabulous staycation.” This is called balance, and it is not as unique as these girls think it is. I want someone who can travel but also not! This is not 1847 and Matt James is not a sea captain. I can guarantee most people you date are not traveling the world for the remainder of their existence.

Kaili, 26, Hostess

Kaili just heard of the Love Language test yesterday because her bio says she “loves to show affection through spending quality time with her partner, performing acts of service and making sure that her man knows their voice is being heard.” Kaili, you’re not just supposed to list out 3 of the 5 love languages, that doesn’t count! She also says the “man of her dreams is introspective” and “empathetic” so I’m predicting she’s going to be that contestant who won’t STFU about emotional intelligence because she read a book about it on the plane ride to the Bachelor Mansion Nemacolin. Kaili, calm down. You’re not a mental health counselor, you probably work at a small-town Applebee’s.

Katie, 29, Bank Marketing Manager

Katie is going to be typecast as “the old spinster” and I know this because the first sentence of her bio is a dig at the “boys” she has dated in the past. Katie’s most fun fact is that she “once planned a dog flash mob”, and I have a lot of questions. Did the dogs learn a choreographed dance? If not, is that really a flash mob? Just say you and a few of your dog mom friends got together in the park one day and go.

Khaylah, 28, Healthcare Advocate

Get ready for a number of tearful montages showing Khaylah on the front lines (are healthcare advocates on the front lines? What do they do, exactly?) with her patients or volunteering for those less fortunate or saving some old man from getting hit by a bus. She seems great, she really does—almost too great. Even her fun fact says that she idolizes Rihanna. She might as well have put that she enjoys breathing for all that tells us.

Kimberly, 28, Airline Recruiter

Kimberly is now at least the third girl to point out that she loves snacks in some variation or another, and now I have to wonder what kind of anti-snack propaganda they’re disseminating to hot women to make them think this is quirky. Snacks are just smaller meals, everybody likes snacks! I am beginning to suspect snacks are just the new pizza in terms of “foods hot women claim to eat to seem relatable.” Anyway, Kimberly’s bio says not to take her on a date to a cemetery because that’s a hard pass for her. I literally host a true crime podcast and not once has a guy offered to take me on a date to a cemetery, so I’ve got to wonder if Kimberly is using her Ouija board as a dating app.

Kit, 21, Fashion Entrepreneur

Ok, you may have fooled Bachelor casting, Kit, but you didn’t fool me. You’re 21 years old. You are not a “fashion entrepreneur”, you are an attractive, thin woman on Instagram who gets sent free clothes. There, I fixed it. And yea, I was right: she lives at home with her parents in the West Village while finishing school at NYU. Kit also hasn’t had a serious relationship since high school, which is supposed to sound impressive but that was literally four years ago for you, Kit! Talk to me when you’re 29 and haven’t had a serious relationship since scrunching your hair with 10 pounds of gel was in vogue! Get a f*cking grip.

Kristin, 27, Attorney

Kristin is kind of a walking contradiction. She works too hard to date, but is a party starter. She loves PDA but is obsessive about her oral hygiene. She needs someone who doesn’t care about their personal space, but god forbid you try to take a fry off her plate. I’m beginning to see why she might be single.

Lauren, 29, Corporate Attorney

At this point I just feel bad for any Lauren that gets cast on this show. This Lauren actually seems very normal: she likes working out, going to the beach, and her book club. The only potential red flag I see is that she seems like the type to bring up her biological clock on the first date.

Magi, 32, Pharmacist

First of all, loving that Magi dressed for this Photoshoot like an eligible Victorian bachelorette with a terrible secret. That’s the only semi-bad thing I can say about her because otherwise she sounds like a literal saint. Moving on because now I feel bad about myself.

Mari, 24, Marketing Director

Another beauty queen! Mari won Miss Maryland USA in 2019. She says she loves working remotely because “she can’t wait to have kids and wants to be a working mom that shows young women they truly can have it all!” That’s why you love working remotely? Not because of the lack of commute? Not because you can wear sweats? Because of some kids you don’t even have yet? Well, I guess I’m the asshole because I like waking up five minutes before I’m supposed to sign on in my pizza-stained pajamas.

Marylynn, 28, Event Coordinator

Marylynn’s five-year plan is to be married with two or more rescue dogs and “living a productive, inspirational, healthy life”. This is oddly specific, but hey, at least she’s got goals. I bet she kills in job interviews.

MJ, 23, Hair Stylist

MJ is a so-called “beauty expert” who’s wearing no makeup in her headshot. I’m 50/50 on whether or not this is a good endorsement of her skills. She grew up on a small island in Lake Erie, so maybe lip balm counts as glam when you’re in the woods 24/7.

Pieper, 23, Graduate Student

I love that Pieper’s bio begins, “don’t discount Pieper as just a pretty face!” because if we were doing that, we’d be discounting all 32 of these women. And everyone from every single past season. But sure. 

Rachael, 24, Graphic Designer

Rachael says she “needs a man who will make every day with her something to tell their future children about” and like, what Hallmark Christmas movie are these girls injecting into their eyeballs before they write these bios? I don’t need to tell you all why this is wildly unrealistic and also makes no f*cking sense. She also is the only one so far to get a direct quote: “At the end of the day, love is what makes your life more special than others.” Yikes, I feel really sad that career counseling in Cumming, GA apparently consists of putting all the girls in a room and showing them Disney movies. That’s the only explanation I could come up with for why someone could honestly be out in the world thinking that love (and not, idk, accomplishments, personal fulfillment, contentment) is what makes your life more special than others.

Saneh, 25, IT Consultant

Saneh was apparently inducted into the University of Florida’s Hall of Fame for “outstanding leadership, service, and academic achievement” which I assume means she organized a killer bar crawl junior year. She had a pet parrot as a child and ran her first marathon at the age of 16, so I am frankly afraid of her.

Sarah, 24, Broadcast Journalist

Alexis Rose is a trained fire dancer, which is very Alexis. All her bio needs is the added detail that she learned to fire dance in order to escape from the yacht where she was being held captive by a fake Saudi prince.

Serena C., 24, Flight Attendant

Now this is fun, multiple Serenas. We only got one Lauren but have more than one Serena, you really don’t see that every season. Serena C. is the only girl so far who’s acknowledged quarantine at all, though she says she was spending that time “to really think about what qualities she wants in a partner” when we all know she was learning the “Savage” dance.

Serena P., 22, Publicist

Serena P. is making up for the fact that she probably never got to legally set foot in a bar before COVID hit by saying that she’s “always been a believer that no matter what your age is, when you know, you know.” Serena P. is “chronically hangry”, says her dream man “HAS to be willing to share his food with her”, and “would love to have a pet chicken so she could have a pet and an endless supply of eggs.” Ok, so the woman wasn’t kidding. She is hungry! Someone get Serena P. an omelet, STAT! 

Sydney, 28, Marketing Specialist

Sydney’s whole bio is basically about how “opinionated” she is, so she’s going to start sh*t with every woman in the house for no reason. She writes that her role in life is to “give facts over being a shoulder to cry on” which legally is the closest they’re allowed to get to “not here to make friends” before the cameras start rolling.

Victoria, 27, Queen

Umm, I’m sorry? Did I read that correctly? Yes, this girl really put “Queen” as her bio and says that she refers to herself as “Queen Victoria”. I don’t even need to read anything else; this tells me everything I need to know. Oh wait, she has a goldendoodle named Coco. Ok, NOW I have everything. Run for the hills.

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Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin

Matt’s ‘Bachelor’ Contestants Are Here & We Have Thoughts

After nearly seven months without new Bachelor content, our frenemies over at ABC are finally giving us what we need to survive. Clare’s season of The Bachelorette premieres next Tuesday, and last week, we were blessed with the full bios of the 31 men competing for her heart (and then Tayshia’s heart, allegedly). I’m still grappling with  the fact that I need to make room in my brain for another Tyler C, but Mike Fleiss & Co aren’t done with the surprises just yet.

On Monday, as they’ve done for the last several seasons, ABC gave us a first look at the women who may be competing on Matt James’ upcoming season of The Bachelor, which is filming in a bubble in Pennsylvania. There are 43 women on the list, so by “may be competing”, I mean that around a dozen of these women will mysteriously disappear by the time we get the full cast bios in a few months. Sorry to those women; they’ll have to find another route to their dream influencer careers.

Until we know a bit more about these women, we’ll hold off on our full contestant breakdown, but for now, there are a few who we absolutely need to talk about.

Kit, 21

At 21 years old, Kit is the youngest of the group, and I have questions. Matt James is 28, and I can’t be the only one who’s a little skeeved out at the idea of a man in his late 20s dating someone who had her college roommate take her pic for The Bachelor on the porch of their sh*tty off-campus house. But age aside, this is just a terrible photo. Like, what is she doing with her foot, why is she holding a random tote bag, and why can I see the reflection of a car (and the person who took the photo) in the window? Why do I feel like she had to crop this so you couldn’t see her red Solo cup? Sorry, but I have no interest in Bachelor contestants who are currently in sororities.

Amber, 30

I don’t know what it is about Amber, but I’m getting distinct villain energy. Maybe it’s the intense fillers. And the fact that her name is Amber. This girl is going to have no problem stealing Matt every second she gets, mark my words.

Sarah, 24

Is it just me, or is Sarah serving some serious Alexis Rose vibes? Love this journey for her. But actually, Sarah is from San Diego, and I feel like she’s the kind of woman who goes rock climbing for fun, which I find very intimidating. 

Victoria, 27

WHERE ARE THIS GIRL’S SHOES? She’s just sitting in a field of grass (or wheat, IDK, I’m not a farmer) completely barefoot? Commenters on Facebook are calling her a “typical country girl”, but this girl says she is from NEW YORK CITY. Now I’ve got to wonder if Victoria is even from Manhattan at all, or if she’s from a suburban town in Jersey that she tells people is “just outside the city”.

Rachael, 24

I just feel the need to point out that for her headshot for The Bachelor, Rachael decided to wear a cardigan as a shirt and only button the top button. That is a choice, and one I respect, because it tells me that this girl has no shame and nothing to lose. She WILL be an influencer when this is all over, and nothing can stop her from reaching that goal.

Kaili, 26

I know nothing about Kaili, but based on this photo alone (specifically the hair), I’m betting that she’s this season’s pageant queen. Every season has at least one, and that fresh blowout screams Miss San Diego. If Kaili hasn’t actually competed in pageants, I still expect her to bring the same energy to the house, meaning her answers will be a little too polished, and she’ll do anything to win. Will she fall in love with Matt? Probably not, but she’s more concerned with crushing the competition.

Matt’s season doesn’t premiere until 2021, a concept so intangible and faraway that I feel like it may never come to pass, and we don’t even know how many of these women will end up on the season, so don’t worry too much about learning their names right now. Instead of learning the difference between Serena C and Serena P, focus on the 31 random dudes that are going to be on your TV starting next week. Truly, this is the serotonin boost we’ve all been waiting for.

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Images: Craig Sjodin / ABC; The Bachelor / Facebook (6)