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Welcome back to the final week of Bachelor in Paradise! At least I’ve been praying it’s the last week, because MY GOD I can only take so many nights of my life being wasted on Blake’s sniffling before I do something truly crazy, like swear off The Bachelor franchise completely. Or at least only watching it on Hulu 12 hours after it airs so ABC doesn’t get to include my watching as part of its ratings. MWAHAHAHAHA.
Moving on. When last we left off, Dean had just returned to Paradise. After finding himself at the Grand Canyon (lol) he decided that he might, kind of, sort of, mayyybe be ready to be in a serious relationship with Caelynn. And by “serious,” I mean “is willing to shave his mustache for her today, but might grow it out and take off in his van for three weeks tomorrow, we’ll see.” So now Caelynn must choose between a guy who thinks shaving his facial hair equates with long-standing commitment and a guy who won’t be able to even grow facial hair until he hits puberty three years from now. WHO WILL SHE CHOOSE?!
I love that Dean never says he’ll be fully committed, just that he’d try it out. You know, at least until his van gets fixed anyway. Caelynn spends all of 90 seconds contemplating her decision before bounding off to go roast Connor’s heart over the beach fire pit.
CONNOR: Do you want to be with someone who will always choose you or a guy who has abandoned you on a beach on your birthday?
CAELYNN: I’m sorry, was there a question in there or?
Connor continues to throw Dean under the bus—excuse me, VAN—in an attempt to keep Caelynn in Paradise. He knows that without Caelynn he’ll be cast to the wastes of that godforsaken beach, made to live in a forced purgatory where his days will consist of getting sunburnt and watching literally everyone else around him fall in love. And to think, you didn’t even need to go all the way to Mexico for that, buddy! You could have just gotten on Instagram like the rest of us plebs. At least that’s where I go to ruin my self-esteem and emotionally torture myself!
HAHAHAHA. Did Blake just say “I think Dean is incredibly charming”? I’m dead. When amongst friends fellow sociopaths, amiright Blakie?
DEAN: *talks the pants right off of Caelynn*
Caelynn tells Dean she needs more from him before she decides to leave Paradise. She asks him what his plans are for them as a couple, and Dean gives her a hapless shrug in response. A HAPLESS SHRUG. Do you see that, Caelynn? There’s been about as much thought and consideration put into y’all’s future plans as I put into answering the group text about where we’re going for dinner. Sounds like love to me!
They start making out, and Connor immediately runs off the beach to hide his tears. Aww, buddy. It’s okay. You’ll find a date to the 8th grade dance, I’m sure of it!
Caelynn tells Connor that she has to leave and “it doesn’t make sense, I know,” and this is the first thing I’ve ever agreed on with Caelynn. It doesn’t make sense. The only thing that makes sense is the sudden burst of Tiny Homes sponcon that’s about to pollute Caelynn’s IG feed.
Caelynn and Dean walk off into the sunset to resounding cheers shouts of “don’t f*ck up!” and “we were barely rooting for you, Caelynn!” Lmao are you kidding me with this sh*t? I get a better reception from my mother after I load the dishwasher and all she says is “you should load the bowls on the bottom not the top.”
Caelynn, all I have to say is, I hope you will remember this moment when you’re trying to pinpoint what made your life go down the tubes in therapy. Just saying!
Chris + Katie: Watching Caelynn ride off into the sunset with her heart on her sleeve and a hapless shrug in her future makes Katie begin to question the very solid foundation she’s built with Chris these last six weeks. I mean, how can she trust a man who’s never even shaved his mustache off for her, only constantly reaffirmed his feelings for her day after day after goddamn day? HOW?!
If we’re being honest, I’m just not invested in this storyline, you guys. And by “storyline” I obviously mean these people’s lives and happiness. I have more chemistry with this keyboard and yet ABC is trying to tell us this is what a strong couple is supposed to look like??
Katie says she needs to see some more effort from Chris and that’s why she’s happy the producers have meticulously planned and executed his date for her. It shows real drive.
They paint their future for us and use language that is more vague than what I use to talk about my marketable skills on my resume. And wouldn’t you know it, here comes an authentic Mexican wedding party to foreshadow the wedding production will ultimately beat Chris into by tomorrow evening. You are one lucky girl, Katie!
Matt + His Hand: Meanwhile, back at the beach, Old Matt Donald continues to juggle two women at once. His strategy? Just bring up his mother any time things get slightly physical with one of them. The rest of the men watch in abject horror. Blake is so disturbed by Matt’s lack of game that he has to leave the beach to go rub one out to his old Stagecoach Instagram stories just to remember that he’s still got it.
Chase finally takes pity on Matt and tries to teach him how to kiss by using a pineapple as a stand-in for a human woman. Eventually they might graduate to using Matt’s hand, but for right now, Matt needs to concentrate on rubbing his tongue against a BARBED OBJECT. What’s next, Chase? Telling himself to practice masturbating with a piece of sandpaper?
MATT AFTER THIS SEX ED LESSON:
Demi + Kristian: One couple who is struggling this week is Demi and Kristian. Demi claims that Kristian “flirts” with every single woman on the beach and it’s not fair to her. The flirting she speaks of? Lightly tapping Hot Twin’s arm to please pass her the ketchup. Smiling in Tayshia’s general direction. Accidentally knocking into Sydney’s shoulder at the breakfast bar. Breathing near Hannah. If this is what constitutes flirting, then I’ve gone to third base with the new office intern. Just saying.
KRISTIAN: *breathes near another woman*
Demi admits that she’s less annoyed with Kristian and the supposed “flirting” and more just annoyed with herself and how she’s still struggling with coming out about her sexuality. She’s still uncomfortable about being openly gay, and I’m sorry, but did I just witness someone on BACHELOR IN PARADISE come full circle with their emotions and acknowledge the deeper meaning behind their words and actions? DID I?! Is this the part where the world ends??
They get their auras cleansed by Mexican spirit guides (I paraphrase), but somehow the sage they burned does little to cleanse Demi’s jealousy. She tells Kristian that she doesn’t appreciate her being “overly touchy” with other women, and Kristian looks genuinely shocked by this proclamation.
Okay, I don’t think Kristian is in the wrong here, and I’m usually the first one to want to skin a significant other alive for the smallest amount of bad behavior. I also do really feel for Demi. I can’t imagine dating someone on national television and not coming off like a complete psycho—and my sexual orientation is actually accepted in society. Here’s hoping these two can work it out!
Tayshia + JPJ: As Demi and Kristian continue to strengthen their relationship, JPJ and Tayshia take theirs to the next level as well with…prom? I love that JPJ thought of Tayshia, a divorcée pushing 30, and thought “she’d be into a $2 Party City crown and a sash that says ‘Most Likely To Still Be Hot’.”
Well, that dress is certainly tacky enough to go to prom. Carry on.
Dylan says that the three balloons and half-drunk bowl of punch JPJ is passing off as “prom” is his way of showing Tayshia that he’s really serious about her. So, let me get this straight. When JPJ reverts to his 16-year-old self it’s “character growth”, but when I do it “deeply concerning” and “something we’ll discuss during our next session”? How is that fair?
Kristina + Blake: Watching Tayshia and JPJ dirty dance on a sand dune inspires Blake to try and romance Kristina. I love that JPJ plans this whole elaborate event for Tayshia and Blake spends 12 minutes coming up with a date card that doesn’t even rhyme, and considers it the same thing.
Jesus Christ. His romantic “epiphany” involves a leftover cheese plate and someone’s discarded beach towel. I’m calling the police.
WAIT. IS KRISTINA DUMPING HIM? Omg I’m truly living right now. Every tear that drips pathetically down his chin is adding years back on to my life, I swear to god.
Kristina tells Blake that she thinks the only reason either one of them is into each other right now is because there’s literally no one left in Paradise to date but the two of them. I love it. Kristina tells him that while his half-assed date was “really sweet” if she wanted to end up with one of her exes she would have followed Dean out to his van.
Kristina tells everyone she’s leaving as Blake wails in the distance. Okay, that is some AGGRESSIVE sobbing. Do you think those tears over Kristina or not being able to f*ck Bri when he had the chance?
And on that note, that concludes part one of the BiP finale! We’ll have to wait until tomorrow tonight to see who walks off this beach with love and who walks off with just a common strand of Chlamydia. (My money’s on Blake). Until then!
Images: Giphy (6); @caelynnmillerkeyes /Instagram (1); @brettsvergara /Instagram (1); @bachelorinparadise /Instagram (1)
In the Bachelorette seasons of yore, once the contestants were eliminated, we never had to think of them again. They would go home and get right back on that golf course with their frat brothers! Or watch the episodes of Blue Bloods they DVR’d while they were away in peace! It was a simpler (but still very white) time. But now, thanks to social media, even an obscure nobody who went home on night one can end up making a living selling Fab Fit Fun boxes. I believe this is what we call the American Dream, folks. Last season it was, of course, Grocery Store Joe, who parlayed his social media stardom into a trip to Bachelor in Paradise, Dancing with the Stars, and Kendall’s heart. It went so well for him I don’t think he’ll need to be restocking the Snickers Ice Cream bars any time soon. This season, we have #JusticeforMattDonald.
WHAT!! MATT DONALD GOT ROBBED!! SOMEONE GROCERY STORE JOE HIM FAST #thebachelorette
— Evan Bass (@ebassclinics) May 14, 2019
I first noticed the Matt Donald love in the comments of last week’s Bachelorette recap. Yes, It’s Britney, Betch and I do screen the comments of each other’s articles for the sake of our mental health. Unfortunately, we’re still unwell. Anyways, then I hit up the Bachelor subreddit, which pointed me in the direction of this interview with Matt, and alerted me to the Twitter hashtag. Yes, I was late to the party, but that’s only because Twitter scares me more than navigating the GW Bridge at rush hour with my grandma driving, okay? I avoid it at all costs. So, since Matt Donald is the internet’s new boyfriend, let’s take a look at what makes him so special.
After Matt was eliminated on night one, a lot of people were shocked. First, ABC gave him one of the coveted intro spots. Yes, I know they always profile people who end up going home on night one, but I would argue the girl that listed her profession as “Chicken Enthusiast” deserved to get eliminated, whereas the sweet guy with the deaf family maybe did not. Matt was also one of the only guys who managed an interesting entrance. Let’s take a gander:
Sure, I was so second-hand embarrassed for him after this aired I refused to leave my bed for six days and my only interaction was with my pizza guy, but still at least he tried. And I thought Hannah liked cheesy *cough* Cam the white rapper *cough*. And finally, Matt was too precious for this world, because he worried that his entrance made him appear goofy and not serious about the Bachelorette process. Oh, honey. I would love to think that kindly about myself after a rejection. It’s because she didn’t want to bang you.
Now that we know all about Matt’s brief appearance on The Bachelorette and why the internet is obsessed with him, is he worth all the hype? After looking at his Instagram that I’m sure is not carefully curated in any way, my answer is a resounding YES. As we learned from the show, Matt’s family is deaf, and so he uses sign language to communicate with them. Fine, cool, whatever. But did you know HE BOUGHT HIS MOM A MERCEDES?!
WHAT?! My mom recently bought someone a $700 bridal shower gift that was supposed to be from the two of us, and I told her instead of giving her half the money, I’d buy her an iced tea on the drive up. So he’s clearly less of a sh*t than me. If this is the kind of gift Matt gives his mother, imagine what he’d give to the woman sucking his d*ck?!
Matt Donald apparently doesn’t just love his family, but is also a dog lover. OMG he got a puppy for his family for Christmas! Excuse me, where can I get an application to be this dude’s girlfriend? I’ve dated a guy just because there was a puppy in his vicinity on the subway before, so knowing that that Matt has a real tangible ball of fur in his possession is really winning me over.
And finally, Matt Donald ain’t too hard on the eyes. I mean, he doesn’t have Luke’s PED physique, but you also don’t have to hear him talk about Crossfit while he’s on top of you. Plus, things aren’t looking too bad under that tight white henley. I approve. And this is coming from a woman who is actively disturbed by grown men with blonde hair. It’s a personal issue I know I’ve mentioned here before. We all have our crosses to bear.
So it looks like America knows what we’re talking about! We need #JusticeforMattDonald. He better be on Paradise this summer. Because let’s be real, if the producers didn’t force Hannah to choose John Paul Jones in hopes that he would murder her and they’d have THE MOST DRAMATIC episode of 20/20 of all time, Matt would still be on the show. The least they could do is give him the chance to get a full body massage from Caelynn on the beach in Mexico. Okay, Chris Harrison?
Images: ebassclinics/Twitter; bacheloretteabc, oldmattdonald22/Instagram (3)